Same 💕 sending you love

From what you stated you do have self awareness of your situation, and you also have a sense of what others or going through evidence by your statement about your mother. All you need is to understand and accept the situation and not try to medicate, cover up, or make excuses. You may want to consider therapy to do this work. You do have the sense of and consideration of what others are going through. Empathy is not making excuses for your behavior. Focus on being mindful of how your behavior affects others. And not blaming others. This is what I observed from your comment. I also do go through this with my Covert Narcissist husband. Sometimes I get frustrated, and I am not mindful of what I say. I am an empathetic person. I do struggle with the pain of my relationship. The bottom line for me is scientific remove the cause. Metaphorically, if you touch a hot pan, and it burns you. Don't touch it. Best wishes.

I lost much ability to empathise in a similar manner. I hope it will come back.

It is a true loneliness to feel as though you lost yourself. 😞

It can. To me it's slowly coming back🧡

facts. lol coincidence. maybe narcs just need coincidences every day every moment to wake up that they're not the only person here. never thought of coincidence in this way! :)

Actually, I can see how attractive it would be for a narcissist to start "fixing" somebody's problem. He's in a position of control now, doing it "his own way" and at the end the person "fixed" will owe him a big time. SO, it's a win-win situation for somebody egocentric. Also, they may fix it to shut up that little whingeing mite who makes it "all about himself" and annoys the hеll out of the poor narcissist. Now, does my reply counts as showing empathy? LOL I know it doesn't. Just kidding.

Boomtown. Fixing isnt empathy.

I loved that part too. Thinking about this in terms of reactive abuse, the narcissist can act as both the agent of chaos and the hero that can solve the chaos by fixing the problem they created. In the case of something that is bothering you external to the narcissist, offering a solution is a way of enforcing the dichotomy between their "reasonableness" and your "hysteria."

Unskilled therapists don't understand it at all. I fired such unempathic therapists who try to fix things.

@@yukio_saito I understand. I asked my therapist to please remove me from her client list. She acted like she got it. Yet she would blame me for not setting boundaries for my husband. I replied, you are aware I have been in a relationship with him for 35 years. Do you actually think I haven't communicated with him in that time period. He is not listening. And he is not going to change I do not have the Degree to even come close. She stated that is your choice. My therapist is aware that I am an RN. I did learn to set boundaries.

@@Hi-Phi So true. I have also run away from such people.

I think the most important part in dropping defensiveness is finding an inner circle of people who will not attack you if you admit you did something wrong. It helped me at least, over time to let go of this. This is the road to true confidence and life becomes infinitely better after this change.

My therapist told me the exact same thing. Yet people in my family are hurt by me and I can’t work on fixing myself because people who are supposed to help don’t believe me. It gets tiring having to roam life feeling like the entire world is unsafe and against all the time. And in the process hurting people Who care and have been supporting me. I do truly want to change. Please make more videos for self aware. Thank you!

i have actually come to this conculsion about my self... "Wait, if I keep trying to think about/aknowlage the fact that I am a narccisist , would that not mean I am not one since I'm aknowlading it and admitting I am in the wrong?", But then... isn't that a "Narsiccitic excuse"? but then wouldn't having the thought of questioning that self diagnosed psychological conclusion mean that I am again questioning myself instead of instantly being defensive? and then again I'm back to the "trying to convince myself and not acknowledging the problem. So reading your comment, masterpys, I feel jealous that a therapist told you that, if I were to go to a therapy session prior to contemplating about this endless loop, i'd probably feel utterly relieved. also, I would love someone else to share their thoughts on this , do you think his therapists were right? wouldn't him still trying to stop being a narccisist even after a therapist told him he isn't , mean he isn't one?

Apologies for the possibly bad wording btw

It's impressive though that you DO want to work on yourself

Yeah, very true

And some people who share their own experiences do so as a kind of commiseration and an implicit acknowledgement that this was a bad thing that happened to the other person. Autistic people do that a lot, though there are times when non-autistic people do this as well.

Don’t confuse your complex PTSD that you’re describing with narcissism. It’s just a result of the abuse, not abuse itself. How to tell? Because other survivors won’t care when you react. They’ll understand. If you were really a narcissist they wouldn’t have anything to do with you. Stop worrying.😊

@@FPVREVIEWS It is still not very clear to me what the difference is between pstd and narcissism. My partner and even I have lived with toxic parents and previous abusive relationships. but I started to see more patterns in her, and it feels very damaging not to understand who is being the narcissist or if both, all I know is that she was diagonistic as a histrionic person.

@@MrSarkis well, if you are looking for narcisistic traits, you will find some extent of them in anyone. it's on a scale, but it has to be pretty high up on the scale, to actually be narcissistic. we are all somewhat self interested, and all lack empathy at times. a true narc will never really care about anyone, not understand the concept, and be absolutely incapable of showing empathy, but may be able to fake any of these things for a period of time.. but usually just attack the other person instead when it will become obvious.

I'm going to try harder, right now. I want to be a good person.

@@msPranksterPixie yes, we all have faults... And yes maybe everyone who is not self-conscious and does not work on themselves may get narcistic tendencies. But from what you wrote, I of course don't know you and I am not a specialist - but it seems to me, maybe you have PTSD post traumatic stress depression. Maybe worth while to look that up. Sending you love, you are not alone, you are a good person, I believe in you ❤️

@@june.w.1288 thank you. I really appreciate the love and warmth. And I'm amazed at your skills, if you feel it's right for you, I think you'd make an excellent therapist! (I say this as my diagnosis is C-PTSD and dissociative disorders, which I'd kept contained until a nervous breakdown. So you had it spot on just from reading one comment!!) And I agree with you: with everything happening in society right now, it's very easy for people to become normalised or conditioned into narcissistic behaviours..... I mean, I wonder if that's a thing the science shows, that people who were not previously narcissistic, slowly become so, if the culture/subculture around them immerses them in the most toxic patterns.... I know sociology studies show mixed results re: media influence. But anyways, away from pontifications.... You have an amazing talent for spotting psychological diagnoses. If you're not a therapist or psychologist, I think you'd go far in that field. But only do it if you want to, and if you feel strong enough, and the relationships around you aren't narcissistic/abusive (as they'll drain so much from you work will be immensely hard). Thank you 💜💜💜💜💜

@@msPranksterPixie I am glad I could help a little. I spotted it because I also went through this 😢 I felt the deep pain behind your words, I have written similar messages: I'm going to try harder, I want to be a good person... And it was so shattering when I didn't got any response... A little kindness can go a long way in healing a soul ❤️ But yes, I thought about becoming a therapist,, thank you for your support. Yes, unfortunately there are some narcissists around me, but it is not so bad as it was before. Since I know what is going on, it is easier to handle... They cannot draw me so easily into their manipulation games. Right now, I am learning resilience. But yes, becoming a therapist was a big dream of me once, I just didn't know then how to help others, since I myself had a lot of problems too. But maybe these bad things happened to me so that I have rich life experience 😅😢 and so I am able to help others better. I hope your life gets better and better every day and you find healing and freedom and happyness. If you want, we could write each other sometimes, but of course only if you have time. I am a woman, 32, with 2 children, a boy and a girl, married, we live in Hungary, Europe.

@@msPranksterPixie I would like to add something... You see, when I had problems, once I was foolish enough to post about it on social media... And I got some very bad advice afterwards from some people. Like, there was a friend, supposedly well meaning, who called me just 2 days before Christmas, and told me just stop being sorry for myself and go to a doctor who would prescribe me something and get over it... Well, it was very hurtful. I really believe that dr Ramani is right and when someone has a problem, what they need is emotional support, letting them feel they are not alone, and if anything, then try uplifting, motivating them, perhaps give information to solve problems.. but they should take into consideration that sometimes it takes time to solve problems, it won't happen over night... And it is already uncomfortable enough for a person to have those problems he/shr struggles a lot to solve....and putting even more pressure upon them to solve it immediately and saying harsh words, supposedly "ugly truths" - well it sometimes hurts a lot and it shows a lack of empathy and a narcistic trait that the advice giver cannot endure emotions and... Uncertainty when things are not black and white... Like it was said in the video. Those ugly truths, spoken with more care, with more carefully chosen words, they might faciliate change in a good way, but yes people should be very careful in giving advice... So they don't hurt an already wounded person even more. So what I wanted to say is, that it is very good if you do not trust people easily. I want to believe that there are still good people out there, who really know how to help someone heal,good friends, but unfortunately, we have to adapt to the world, and see that unfortunately not everyone is like that. If someone speaks about their problems, that makes it extremely easy for a malignant person to hurt them. It is like pointing out to them where to hit. So if someone is overly trustful, they can easily become pray to severely narcistic people, and that might multiply their problems and make it even more difficult for them to come out of all the things. So, I just wanted to tell you, you do it well. I hope I am not narcistic, but who am I to judge this, and it could be anyone, and it is a wise thing not to trust strangers easily. I hope this is uplifting for you and well, if it does not help you, at least it does not drag you down. Because I really wish you well. ♥️ Have a nice day, take care ❤️

Pathetic . . . To the point of hilarity! Gotta be careful of those selfish baby types! 😂🙄

lmao, your mom and my mom should have tea parties. My mom says she was overwhelmed and if I weren't such a bad little kid... Meaning, 30 years old was the victim of a 10yr old. Oh brother.

By the way, is your mom Judeo-Christian religious? Don't tell her about Psalm 58: 3. Wacky stuff. "The wicked are estranged from the womb: they go astray as soon as they be born, speaking lies."

@@floxendoodle942 😂😂😂

Yes, that is projection... She projects her own faults to others... So sorry for you 😢

Yes, I also learnt some unhelpful behaviour patterns and am currently working on them. However, we are actually willing to put hard work and change them. That makes all the difference. And we don't enjoy hurting people.

@@steveblobs4851 that's right

Yeah, that's "empathy fatigue" happens after being with narc for many years

@@sabat8068 how can we cure it? I have it too.

It's also been described as narcissistic "fleas." It reminds me of "character hangover" that some actors use to describe how playing an extreme role can leak into their personal lives. Good luck on your journey!

Likewise, I've seen this occur. The narcissist calling anyone around who disagrees with them or has seen their bvllsh't or is in a positiin to call them out, 'a narcissist'. I never really knew much about it, but heard it over & over, & upon researching, it looks like pure projection & blameshiftig.

Buhaaaaaa…same here..the nerve to even go that route proves they love to deflect and blame shift

I recently read a similar comment under one of Dr. Ramani's videos. When you learn more about narcissism, these guys stand out like a sore thumb.

It's such a mindf*** to realize after all the years they were calling you selfish just for having your own opinions, needs and boundaries it was actually them who was extremely selfish. There's a lot of projection from narcissists that can confuse everyone around them. I remember he would pick at me for the smallest things and go "OOooooo, WOOWW, you're so self-centered" and I'd just be like, what? Why is that a big deal. Like I have a thumnail that goes straight to my FB page because I don't want to be distracted by the newsfeed when I check for messages and notifications. He rrrreally really dug into that as some extraordinary case of narcissism. I remember that just puzzled me. Why is this such a big deal and why is he so invested in thinking the absolute worst of me any time he can? Projection.

@@LXSeaV The big question that remains for me is: how do you know that when you actually called that other person a narcissist, they really are? because I have seen many patterns in my partner, for example, but how do you know that it is not a projection of yours? it's almost gaslighting yourself

Only 10 years so far over here, but same feelings. I stay away to stay out of the mud. Which is lonely in marriage. 😔

@@k79311 It certainly is a total waste, isn't it? Wasted and sad. For me my children, grandkids and great grandkids fill my life. I'm so very blessed by them and frankly, if it meant I would have to give them up I would relive my life just to have them!!

Yeah, better to just build up a ‘firewall’ around you in the presence of the narcissist. We can’t beat them at their own game. They have had a lifetime of perfecting their manipulations & other tactics. Empaths are not wired to use narcissistic tactics; we will mostly just screw them up. But if we play to our strengths, we can protect ourselves from some further abuse. God bless!

Yeah. I thought that fighting fire with fire would at least show them how their behaviour is hurtful. Guess I was wrong.

@@h4xi0rek We are no match for their way of thinking and acting. They win every time cause they it's just in their nature. It comes naturally to them.

Kudos for doing this work. The world doesn't see it, but I do.

So happy for you fr!!! How did you develop the compassion and forgiveness for the old you

All the best for you. Amen

What kind of therapy helped you?

I’m always so tempted to send the videos to my soon to be ex husband to show him I’m not crazy, but I think he’s always known!

Agreed. At another channel there was a thread wishing to send all the narcissists to an isolated island. I mean... lol... it's a fantasy that's not doable, but I have to admit I participated. But I was willing to say "But they have to be narcissist for at least a third of their lives or 10yrs, which ever is longer. (To account for young adult narcissists and older ones). With them gone, the rest of us and those of us being led the wrong way can get a chance to breathe and revert back to healthy patterns. And maybe the people on Narcissist Island can also find a way to heal and come back to the world. Someone got bent out of shape, and honestly I don't blame them. They said it was totalitarianism and practically despotic thinking. Yeah, OK. I agree. lol. Again, fantasy. But people can be healed.

Some people have no ability to care for others and go about their own life hurting others constantly. So Either life is precious or not. And if it is… then the abusive people should not be allowed more chances to continue their activities once it’s obvious that they are toxic and harmful. Second chances only allow them to become repeat offenders. Or serial killers. Do you really want that responsibility of allowing them to do it again and again? Is it worse for them to kill someone or destroy their mind to the point where they want to die? Think about this and don’t be ignorant about what’s actually happening. Some people are just evil.

@@FPVREVIEWS Yeah. We need to keep them out of our lives and set our boundaries as individuals in this world. But Dr. Ramani has tools that could facilitate change in these hurtful people. It's better for society both in a utilitarian sense (less selfishness out there circulating), and just because we should strive to be a compassionate rather than retributive society. That being said, that is just a social constructivist position. At the end of the day, for the individual, I really do understand how discussions of this kind can feel like ONCE AGAIN the abusers are getting the focus and consideration, and a pass, while those they are hurting are left feeling invisible in the discussion. I really do believe Dr. Ramani and most of the people in this community are not shifting focus. Those suffering from narcissistic abuse come first.

@@FPVREVIEWS By watching Dr. Ramani I have become aware that some of the things I say and ways I behave are not okay. I was raised by a narc and do not want to hurt my children by repeating behaviors or statements that I used to think were "motivating" or "said with love" but are actually hurtful. In this video when Dr. Ramani advises us to be more present that is a change I need to make. When she said,

People who abuse children should be written off

Me too. The penny drops hours later, but with the narcissists you get it straight away.

@@joannakerr6231 It seems like there are other people who got this issue too, i didn't know. it hardens developing healthy relationships with healthy people...

PTSD

@@michellefarris3961 Thanks, I'll add it to the list, it can be one of the reasons...

I've never thought about that, but I think I have the same issue. I always get it like an hour later because normal people aren't as loud and/or bitchy as the narcissists are. We get used to thinking all the messages we get are going to be loud, rude and cruel, so anyone communicating with a softer touch can go often go unheard because we're just not used to that frequency unfortunately.

I want to hit the thumb up more then once on this one!

@@urch4ever Here's another thumbs up from me. Very well stated, Karen.

♥️

Umhm, shields/walls and numbness/"why-am-I-saying or doing-this?" are some annoying aftereffects.

PTSD

Wow. What a huge leap of rationalization. You've taken"True:True:Unrelated" to a new level.

*applause* wish you the best on your path to healing

This was a great video. Empathy has always been a tricky thing for me. I think there's a rush to judgment that anyone who has a hard time with empathy is a narcissist. If you were raised or conditioned through trauma to fix things that could be the way you think you should show love. I've learned through therapy that's not always the case. For years, empathy seemed like woo woo hippie stuff - "I hear you... I see you..." but practicing it daily (and it is a practice) has made it more of an authentic response and has helped me in many parts of my life. Keep at it!

@Enjoy in Joy may I add Inner Child Work? When npd is caused by early trauma your inner child needs to learn it is safe now: You are safe now. Your emotions (all) are safe. Take the jump into the scary unknown of working through your past to find out it's worth it.

Yes, sara, there are definitely too many of you. Why don't you take a hint and quit showing up for supply and to turn all the attention and playing-a-victim back on yourself. For real, GO AWAY!

Thank y'all for constructive suggestions and helpful comments.

Thank you for the enormity of your courage, and thank you for sharing with us the broken parts of you. It's extremely rare for a narcissistic individual to allow this, but when they do, I am only too happy to pour my love into the cracks of their wounded and tormented soul.

My narc sister told us life is too hard for her cause she's an empath!

No, no one here cares about narcs anymore. We're sick of your self-centeredness, exactly what you are displaying now. Go start your own pity party channels and leave decent people alone.

@@michellefarris3961 oh how I would love to destroy this one. But I'm gonna take the bigger route & just let you be great.🤍

@@LandofOzOfficial Yes, I'm sure you want to play the hero for the audience.

Or resort to abuse. Why don't you just go away.

@@michellefarris3961 I am for real sorry if commenting on this video triggered you. I have zero bad intentions whenever I watch Dr. Ramanis videos & only do it from a place of trying to become a better person. I genuinely mean that. I also have a feeling it doesn't matter what I say, unless I sat down and had a conversation with you, there's no way you would try to understand. I actually do kinda understand your blatant frustration with anyone who might have narcissistic traits, and I can only imagine you have been hurt very badly. I pray your healing and find what your looking for. And I have no desire to upset you or a deep need for validation in this post. So I will go away. (Well, I won't post or comment again). I kindly suggest you don't reply again either. Don't allow someone else to take your power or control your emotions. Think about how powerful it will feel to walk away right now and have no desire to say another word. I hope that you interpret that as genuine and not cocky. I happen to be in a good place at the moment and am making a very real effort here.

Hope you are doing well! It's tough when your spouse always has to one up you. I know it made me feel invisible. Best of luck to you ❤️

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I have a honest question, how can you be an empath and in the range of autism? Doesn't that contradict each other? I work with Kids with autism and i am honestly confused how those 2 combine! Thanks in advance!

@Chiveaux Snow it is good to hear your Story of survival, i am not able to call myself an empath, because that would be Bad for me in the longrun. I fear the sensitivity will reduce itself by time. Still i am very interested how those 2 combine.

@Chiveaux Snow first of All thanks a lot for answering and Not taking offense by the question. I try to improve my communication skills with non-to-almost-non-verbal Kids in Kindergarden and i have to admit I am not rlly familiar with those 2. I think i have to study a little bit deeper. Thanks again

@@seppbookwood8163 maybe rethink your job. maybe if you cant see that ASDs have empathy, go apply at taco bell. sorry.

me too. but my pa is narcissistic too. im so confused now and terrified i am a narcissist. all my life ive been told things were as they actually werent. so 50 years later my reality is super screwy. how do i know? PS i was/am the scapegoat. or am i just a covert/ vulerable narc...?

A saint!

It's wasted energy.

@@michellefarris3961 i will still try to implement it

@@ashi6838 Yeah, they have a lot of enablers. Best to you.

@@michellefarris3961 i am the narcissist here, not the victim. Thank you

@@ashi6838 Great initial comment. It's hard enough for self-aware narcissists to improve without the superior naysayers putting you down. Those naysayers are so pathetic.

Best of luck on your path Tory :-)

Go away. Sam vaknid is a self-professed narc. Go to his channel, or start your own pity parties somewhere else. Abusers and victims need to be separate.

I hear you. I'm glad to realize my intuition was correct because I had that very concern for people in your position even before reading your comment.

Only too show up too therapy get really really really bad advice and gas lit by a new psychiatrist so I literally trust none of these folks it's a unique situation I'm disregulated angry no empathy and its my fault for giving myself a personality disorder like ....ok then I was better off drinking drugging and doing my own thing it was safer and I didn't have too keep rewiring my brain too deal with society cultural norms that labeled me antisocial before I had a chance too prove no I'm not antisocial I'm just not a door mat ....now I'm addicted too drugs I hate and a family that believes the hype legal drugs legal drugs are addictive you pharmaceutical whores .

Thank YOU. And here's the kicker: change is REAL. We believe in you!

Exactly, classic projection. They are told all of the details about themselves but instead of taking ownership for their wrongdoings and self reflecting they just project onto the people around them.

I think I can relate to this. So many times I’ve been called “sensitive” in relationships. I can not help what I feel and my emotions are valid.

@@pault9544 Yeah. "Grow up!" and "I'm not going to coddle you!" Said by enablers and narcissists I gravitated towards. It's harmful and keeps you anchored in the pain.

Or "If I were you..." No, if you were me, you'd be doing it how I am doing it. My mom says "I just know if I were in that situation..." Then it would be you, not me, mom. I'm not you. The only recent time in years she said "I love you" was "Huh... I love you but..." and then told me what I was doing wrong. Same as you. Sorry your sister is like that. It's rough.

Well said...at the end of my narcissist relationship, he started to talk to me in sentences starting with a 'but' . But you cook well. But you give very good advices. I filled in the sentences before that 'But'. There was so much hatred inside that person. And I witnessed his mother putting that hatred inside him. She thought she was tactful and subtle. But I saw clearly what she was doing. I feel pity for the duo.

TOTALLY AGREE!

I am also concerned that people who are narcissistic are not really self aware but are just writing down a list of behaviors they have heard on you tube videos and claim they are ready to change. They may even know that something is wrong but if they do not understand what is going on to create the situation. I just think there is so much that they are not getting but claim they are ready to change. Just because you don’t like something doesn’t mean someone is ready for change.

You're not the only one with that concern. Ime, the narcs that are "successful" are the one- or two-trick ponies. Our family narc is the type that can flip Edit: (oops) any conversation to make other people offer their blessings for the narc's bad luck, even at funerals. Add an unrelenting dedication to rumor-mongering, and the narc can get away with anything in private. It's a frail metaphor, but some criminals steal cars, and they get really skillful at it. They rarely switch crimes because (imo) they want quick, easy results, just like narcs want steady, easy supply. Just my two cents. Good luck on your journey.

"How To Be Better Actors"

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my sister uses that one!

@@rantersparadise sorry to hear that :( it sucksss

It helps to have a empowering song to sing to yourself when you feel this way cause they hear nothing you say or will use your words against you & enjoy making you nervous or anxious- Pamper yourself during this time- a good book, try new foods, go to shops that are totally foreign to you- have fun & don't share any negativity of your spouse or others cause it will be used against you- remember she is not your friend & you will have a good time💙

Straight and holding your grace don't give her any Ammunition they just want to fight an unwinnable fight good luck my dear it's hard

@@salettamyers8845 thank YOU! These are great tips! I will try to focus on fun things, my child and pampering. ❣️

@@carlya3035 My husband’s all about family and maintaining relationships it’s hard to not meet. Especially after one year of lockdown, it’s impossible to avoid. My hubby will think I am being mean. :(

@@catherinepraus8635 you’re right!! It’s always a fight/ competition that she initiates and wins. Even if I don’t give her any information she asks stuff about me from my husband. It’s so difficult, I am going to try harder. I am watching more and more YT videos on NPD before Labor Day, hopefully I will learn more tactics on dealing with NPD.

You may have developed certain defense strategies that work against narcissists but didn't realize were being used on innocent people. I began developing the same. But in actuality, I do care about people and when people are NOT watching I have done things to improve a situation for someone or the community not looking for accolades. (not even now lol). Perhaps that is your situation? Not that you're a narcissist, only that you developed traits and you notice "I don't like that about me" which is normal, which is what normal people do when they take a dive in their behaviors. :)

This sounds like borderline personality disorder not NPD

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Re: Translation Good point. I've seen other channels ask for volunteers to translate, and some have had no lack of offers. Maybe an email to Ramani might get a shout-out for fluent bilingual viewers. 👍😎

They are incredibly harmful abusers. They need to be taken out of society.

Feel yr pain. Still waiting on the perfect society. Protect those healthy boundaries.

@@eddierayvanlynch6133 Huh, I see that the automatically generated and translated subtitles aren't bad.

@@gregansen544 All I know is that another channel was asking for translators at the beginning of the year. I hope it gets better for other languages, because I've seen posts here from lots of countries. I can only imagine needing this information and language being another hurdle.

You can be highly empathic and have strong healthy boundaries. But this starts within. If you value and love yourself, then you don't need others for validation. You can remain empathic and caring while protecting yourself, but needs to start within.

Check out this channel kzfaq.infovideos for empath to empath advice on healing from narcissistic abuse.