"Hope is the dope" is the best shorthand description of limerence I've ever heard. Thank you, Fairy , for telling us hard truths. I hope that the writer did not think the Fairy's advice was too tough. The truth is that we all needed to hear it too. Fairy tough love constantly reminds us that to get what we need, we need to get clear about what we want and see things as they really are.

Part of limerance is thinking you will never meet someone who actually prioritizes you, so you convince yourself to latch on to subpar "connections". If we believed we could find someone who loved us in a healthy way, we wouldn't keep trying to convince ourselves people who don't love us will change their minds.

No convincing, ladies. Never convince him to be with you. Don’t be his friend if he’s not giving you the relationship you want, you don’t have time or energy to dedicate to him if you’re busy looking for a forever partner. Don’t be his counselor, that is not your job and he will use it if it’s free. Thank you crappy childhood fairy! This video is a great reminder ❤

she considered herself to be 'healed', and yet was attracted to exactly the same type of partner as her previous two partners. we need to stop lying to ourselves in order to feel that we're worthy of love. you don't have to be 'healed' to be worthy of love, you can just be you.

The real heartbreaking part of this is when you realize just how badly your own mind and emotions lied to you. Like am I insane? How could I be THIS wrong? You feel genuinely insane. It feels like WandaVision where she uses her powers to create and live in a world that doesn't exist to cope with her tragic reality. Except we are totally unaware we are doing it.

I was in a 2-year relationship with a dismissive avoidant, which was not unlike this scenario. Even if he calls you his girlfriend, brings flowers, and plans dates, the dynamic is the same. That relationship fed off of a deep longing I had- to keep longing. My ex would never want to discuss the relationship, make plans too far into the future, or stay over too many nights in a row. I was patient with his need for space and independence. It was the hardest breakup I've ever experienced because it was sudden and felt like it came out of nowhere. In hindsight, I realize that he was a ticking time bomb- and although he wanted a committed partner, his fear of intimacy always wins out. I learned one thing through that relationship: Don't try and teach a pig to sing. It's a waste of your time, and it annoys the pig.

I really feel for this woman. I was in this type of situation as a guy. It's so so sad. You can have people around you that are a much better fit in every imaginable way, but you'll have zero feelings for them, while you're mind is completely obsessed with some person that will never love you.

"Can you get pass this idea that men just accidentally show up as unhealthy and unavailable, or can you see that you're choosing them?" "Be Victorian about friendships with men." My favorite lines from this video.

I've been here multiple times ... It is so helpful hearing how delusional the other people sound. lol and I don't mean that as a criticism of them it's just wild when you can easily see it as delusional for someone else but you can't see that of yourself.

she was willing to go above and beyond for him and he literally gave her NOTHING????! He basically used her to dump all his trauma.

I was in a similar situation for years and finally broke up with him :) I made friends in my community and realized how little my partner talked to me, supported me, and saw me. I was like, “I can find new friends who talk to me consistently and support me, why would I be with my boyfriend who I’m fighting tooth and nail to talk to me/move closer/spend time with me?”

My ex was dismissive avoidant. Moral of the story is these types of people will absolutely waste your time. Bread crumb you. String you along and will give you every excuse in the book. Run! Do not damage your mental health being with someone like that. They will absolutely drain you and leave you nothing more than a trembling shell of your former self.

I could have written this letter a few years ago 😆 i was in a similar situation, and in retrospect it’s crazy how much i saw it as “complicated” when really it was simple-the truth just ruined my fantasy so i twisted it until i could ignore the reality. I also didn’t see it at the time, but I DEFINITELY was drawn to this weird, online, distant relationship over a normal one that would be too scary and vulnerable. I’m so glad i eventually cut off that relationship (even as a friend), and i agree that was necessary for me to fully move on. I’m happy to report now that i’m in a healthy, happy, committed relationship with someone who actually lives in my city 😂

Sometimes you have to learn how to love something that is actually good for you. We, traumatized individuals have a tendency to settle for (or even long for) things and persons that are actually bad for us. It takes time and a lot of effort to heal and to learn that we have every right to love someone who reciprocates that love, in essence to love someone who is good for us. Avoidants definitely do not fall into that category IMO.

I'm a woman and I'm FA and I have commitment phobia, it is so strong I feel like sufocating (feel sick for real) everytime men start to want more from me. The only type of men I feel like being around are other avoidants because I feel bad about hurting ppl, they are the only ones to give me lots of space, but at the same time these relationships never blossom in the way Id like to. I'm phobic but deep inside Id like to have a normal love life. Now I'm almost in a "normal" relationship, but I'm still creating excuses, space and lots of rules, he is a little bit avoidant as well, but we are moving slow and things are improving.

Wow, revelation! "If only..." thoughts are avoidance? 🤯 "If only" can come up in all kinds of life situations/areas, not just romantic scenarios. I used to have a lot of "if onlys" a couple of years ago, but I reduced them because they felt like a fantasy and I didn't want to live in fantasy, I wanted to live in reality. But I do have a few (new) "only ifs" that come in the form of "if only the world was a safer/better place" and "if only people were more honest" or "if only I had not become entangled with the abuser", etc. 😔 I will try to drop this thinking! 🙏🏻 Thanks Anna... 💗

"that's psycho-babble for being a codependent sponge for somebody" 🎯🎯🎯🎯

Limerence isn’t a “kind of addiction” it IS an addiction. It can sound so sweet, real you in, sing nice, comforting songs, just like a Siren, but Limerence is really a curse. It’s a cancer. Once it starts, it’s so hard to stop. It’s exhausting. It sucks up your time and mental energy, so much so, that you do NOT have time for anything else, bc why would you wanna face real life, when you can just escape in your own fantasy land? That’s what the mind does. The mind is so, SO powerful, it’s like a trickster. But, it’s not your fault. If you were constantly rejected by people your age, like I did, you’re not a “bad person.” Don’t be so hard on yourself. Yes, it’s hard, it’s painful. Exhausting even. I know this for a fact. I just cut off a long distance old HS friend, just three months ago, and before that, I cut off someone who I thought was a “friend,” but it just turned out that they were just your neighborhood energy vampire. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true. I cut them off maybe about a year and this latest one didn’t even last that long; only 8 months. So, unfortunately, I do have experience with this. I’m tryin to get help myself, but admitting that you have a Limerence for someone is the hardest step, and I’m still trying to escape my own dreamland. Remember that the mind is strong, but you are stronger!

I must say that your content hits so perfectly. How are you able to make content that completely defines the issues I have? Some days I have been moved to tears by the fact that someone has been able to help me understand why I've done some of the things I have. What I love most is that you always give us ways to live life while actively dealing with issues. Thank you, crappy childhood fairy. I am so grateful for the work you are doing.

WHY ARE WE LIKE THIS. I MEAN I KNOW BUT JESUS LOL. I NEED REAL LOVE AND TO BE HEALED.

So I don’t think these people are necessarily that bad to have their feelings because feelings and emotions are not controllable. It’s the actions that are controllable. They do not have any regard for the people that they are holding back from being in healthy, thriving relationships and this makes them very selfish and self-centered, so might even say narcissistic they’re trying to get their needs met in an aggressive way instead of in a assertive way. It should be imperative that schools teach psychology sociology, because these types of relationships are becoming more and more common and people cannot read the signs of attachment, personality styles. If this woman did identify as a secure attached personality style, she would not have been attracted to him in the first place however, she was familiar with his personality because of her previous relationships. It felt comfortable for her. He took advantage of that situation to continue his toxic behavior. That’s why it’s so important to educate yourself, and know exactly what your core values are both in compatibility and in chemistry because they’re two differently categorized things to consider. Make a master list and then take your top five for each and don’t straight from those. If you don’t have all five present, you’re not in Love you are in Limerence and there is a huge difference. In love, you’re in love with the person and in Limerence you’re in love with the fantasy.

Also: *Limerence is a denial of today.*

thank you Anna and many thanks to the author of the letter, honestly, it was one of the most shocking letters I heard on this channel, Anna mentioned the ability to see love where there is no love, maybe this is it but I don´t think the author of the letter wants love, she said she wanted to find an avoidant partner who would be ready to heal. she wants a patient, not an equal partner

but how in the world do you get over the embarrassment of being limerent on someone? Years later I still feel stupid and counseling for it hasn't worked

Ouch that was harsh

Anna, thanks for this video. I couldnt agree more. I was in a very similar textationship with a man on the other side of the country. I lied to myself a lot about what was really going on. Everything you said to this woman, I have said to myself as part of my healing process. Love you and all you do!

Same thing kinda happened to me. Met when we were 15 and 14 (now 32 and 31) on the internet, from two different countries. Except he came visit me less than a year ago TWICE, two months apart before dumping me for another avoidant he originally swore he only loved as a friend 🤦‍♀️ i feel groomed and swindled.

I wish you were there for me in 2020 where I was going through a pretty similar relationship.

I think this guy was mirroring and playing with her.

Avoid avoid avoid if they reject you avoid keep moving peroid

That's exactly what I needed right now! Thank you!

Needed this. Thank you Anna🩵

I don’t think you can help who you have feelings for or are attracted to but you can control who you gove your time and energy. I’m FA and true to form I like a guy I know doesn’t want a relationship. I can’t turn off the attraction but I also don’t talk to him outside work. Sometimes I worry about how much I think of him and that it’ll prevent me from meeting someone but no way I’d spend hours on the phone for over a year with him. No such thing as fully healed but I think I’ve made progress by at least knowing not to expect or pursue a romantic relationship with someone who flat out said doesn’t want one. Not gonna lie I fantasize about it but I don’t think only traumatized ppl do that. Now I just need to be attracted to someone who wants me instead of feeling suffocated when they do 🤦🏽‍♀️

OR doesn't outright reject you, but string along for years, w/o commitment! NO LADIES! IT'S YOU, NOT HIM! Do the work.

After going through a somewhat similar situation to op I am now utterly repulsed by the idea of anyone being interested in me. I feel like I don't even deserve love. Of any kind, really. & with that much healing work to do you will not catch me trying to be in a relationship anyways. That's how people get hurt and I refuse to hurt them like that. The thought terrifies me. Yet I crave the idea of a relationship like air.

Although I can't dismiss the mem'ry of his kiss I guess that he is not and will never be for me. - George Gershwin

Thank you for this video. I was in a similar situation with a woman. We were actually together for a short time. She was a lovebomber (I learned the term after that) and I gave it a change. I fell hard for her, but checked every day the boxes. What do I want, what does she want, is it aligned? What are my values, what are her values, are they aligned? What are my boundaries, what are hers, are we communicating them clearly? It checked all out. The relationship was heavy focused on her, but it was all fresh. Adjustment to a new routine is hard. It can be that way. I was a bit reluctant in the beginning (I was hurt a lot), but she said all the right things. Did the right things, was vulnerable, open, well-adjusted, and she didn't just copy me. We started to make plans, all seemed to be wonderful. I was between jobs, she suggested looking for a job a bit closer to her. After some time, she offered that I can move in a little while. That seemed fast to me, and I didn't say yes immediately. She asked several times, until I gave in and agreed to eventually move in. In a few months. But then her behavior changed in a matter of three days. And then her life goals practically change overnight, she sends me home, and it was over three days later. She said she was never single for more than three months. She needed to be single for a while to figure out who she is. In a way, I think I therapized her by accident, as we had very deep talks about our lives and past. She really said she wanted all of it, and that her feelings for me were real. That she wanted me, but she couldn't. Which was bullshit, if you want me, come and get me. I was offering, I was available, I was fine with discussing new life goals and adjusting as long as they weren't conflicting to my own. And her new ideas were completely reasonable and doable. They really were fine with what I wanted to do. I was even a bit excited. As she heard that, and I explained what I meant, she suddenly said, that she doesn't want to make decisions with another person in the back of her mind depending on her. I genuinely wasn't depending on her. I was independent. I just offered support. Fact was, she just didn't want me anymore. I was a toy for a few months and as she had been she needed, she did a terrible job ditching me, because, for the first time, in my life, I was too at least 90 % securely attached in a relationship. Knowing what I wanted, ready to walk away, but I just wasn't pushed to that point yet. I still thought, this was doable, with actually low effort. But her story kept changing and expanding, until it was obvious, that she wore a mask, dropped it, and suddenly there was a new person. I was sure, that it wasn't limerence, because I was plainly aware about her flaws. It wasn't just the feelings, the sex, the deep talks and the feeling of belonging that I miss. I genuinely miss her, with all her problems and her strengths. But it was a facade. It wasn't real. That was months ago, and I still think about her. I'm in mourning about what could have been, now knowing that it was doomed from the start. BUT I learned so much from it. I know now what I want. I made real progress in everything since them and used the chance to grow. My next relationship will be better. Maybe I even find the one. But if not, no biggie. I keep looking, learning, and be the positive power in my life and the life of others, respecting my boundaries and wishes for myself. And if someone around me wants to be a part of my life, and I want to be in hers, let's try it. I'm open to it.

Finally!!!! Someone that says otherwise like it is!!! I can’t thank you enough for your video! I’ve been searching for answers for my marriage as my husband was diagnosed with APD. He’s passed away now and has left me with so many questions that your video is perfectly answering!

Welp, needed to hear 👂🏻 Thanks, Anna

Thank you so so much, I'm newly single and learning a lot about choosing the right partner next time. Your videos are very much appreciated ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Needed this, thank you Anna😬

20 years of research and introspection and i could never figure myself out. So many failed relationships. The last one a woman i wasnt initially interested in wanted me to be her friend with benefits. Once she told me about her traumas it clicked and she was the one. She didnt want me more than a drinking friend so for 5 years i hung out with her on weekends got drunk with her had sex with her and it absolutely destroyed me. I would be horribly despressed all week because i had to accept reality. Until the weekend again and i could live my fantasy of her being the one and that i could have her one day. I put her on the highest of pedestals like all the girls before her. Eventually i cut it off but 4 years have gone by and i thought about her all day every day. I wish i knew what limerence was long ago.

She's expecting someone to change right at the beginning.

You said in a previous video that you had a successful comedy gig and it really came through in this video. I laughed at you telling us to be Victorian in our relationships with those we are attracted to. "They knew something in those days" lol

In the past I looked for " hidden meaning " 😢 very Neurotic thing, very self-harming...I'm glad I healed from it. It's a waste of time, energy and it's very painful to get stuck like that/ in denial.

I love the candid tough fairy in this. I was in dating situation for a short time that now I can see included limerence on my part. Excerpt from a poem (to help me wake up out of that rose-tinted trance!): An inner sentinel steps in, Whoa- Keep your eye on the prize! Do not settle for just crumbs that taste good on your thumbs, but are not what you deserve. Remember your vow to choose “reciprocity with a soulmate who honors me and the higher LOVE we both serve” We want you to receive your king who shall cherish and honor your radiance, and you will have no doubt of his adoration, and mutual admiration.

You are so spot-on about everything, you are amazing! First video I'm watching of yours btw I love the comment about Victorian girls--you're so right XD

“We have a superpower to see love where there is no love”

Is a combo of loneliness, alienation, and projection I think when a one-sided fantasy person occupies your mind. It goes nowhere, you are left ruminating -though the possibilities keep you hooked. I once had a guy limerence on me. At first it was nice to be pursued though I soon sensed by his words that he was projecting his fantasy-girl image onto me. I had some of the traits but the rest was pure projection. I tried to gently talk him out of it, pointing out realities, but he wouldn't hear of it. Bittersweet. I didn't know his personal sitch but got the impression there might hv been a recent break-up as he'd just moved into a new place when I met him. It took awhile but he eventually let go. I had compassion however the attraction on my side wasn't there.

Same situation here. I get It Anna, I'm aware of everything you said from almost day one ( after a month precisely) and I've tried to end the " situationship many many times but he always come back and so I've opened the door. My fault Is to be a sort of avoidant/limerent perso, his fault Is worst though. If I'm not into someone, I leave sooner as I could. I'm a little bit tired to listen that I am weak and naive because I've develop feelings for him. He used me for years.

This story reminds me of what happened with Jodi Arias. SCARY to play with peoples emotions..

I hope you read this... firstly, thank you, I've been ignoring my own boundaries when it comes to a particular avoidant person because they are depressed and very isolated. The dynamic that has arisen as a result of this choice is unhealthy to say the least. This video helped me understand that whatever it may mean for the other person, I do need to reinstate and enforce those boundaries because our connection means I don't have space for the relationship I want to find. I do genuinely want to ask you something though - you said to be Victorian in friendships with men and seek out closeness with women - what do I do if I'm bisexual?!? Do I have to be Victorian with *everybody* unless there's zero attraction there? I'm pretty good at not thinking about it (thanks interalised homophobia!) but if I'm being honest, I could find a lot of my female friends attractive if I let myself go there.

I've heard of romance and dalliance but never about limerence. I've never had a dalliance that lead to romance so I suffer from dalliance! Thankyou!

He was probably married and doing this while she was at work supporting him...

This was my last relationship minus living in different places. Wow

my bath tub loves me back lol

Break the cycle ❤

15:02 the future that you want

The guy sounds married!

wow, emotional vampire! I have to remember that one

She sounds exactly like one of my friends and unfortunately I doubt she will listen, because I have tried to advise my friend for years! But she never listens because she can't accept it deep down and unfortunately real acceptance and change only happens when the person themselves wakes up and smells the roses independently.

Yes, this is the situation I am in. It's hard for me to move on to a real in-person partner, even though that's what I need -- an in-person boyfriend. I have been with him for 2 years. He is monogamous to me.

Anna, what did you mean when you encouraged the writer to "take your no contact further"? Timestamp 21:50. Thank-you.

I once read that we can't control who we fall in love with, distinguishing between real love and feeling in love. We can control what we do about it. A fake love will fizzle soon. What's the point of trying to make it real when all the signs are there.

Good life example...People say nice to meet you but that's bs, no one really meets online, you can only connect. Digital connections, most are obvious scams, but they all die because they are just not comprehensive enough to be a relationship. Instantly disposable. To be anything, it has to transition to a physical connection. But huge risk of wasting time and energy.

Sorry, I'm not dealing with someone who is avoiding and dismissing me. I can't believe they call it an attachment style!

Why I avoid relationships..

Every morning & night video calls. Like WTF relationship or life s that. I m 40 this yr, i can't imagine doing that ever & there s noone who has been more traumatized than me. I have my own life NOW, goals that have NOTHING to do with a man, my own healing, 💵 manifestation i AIN'T got time chat with anyone on video calls nor energy to chat daily like that. Taking a break AGAIN frm dating or sex,, gonna revisit that next yr.

I have learned the hard way not to get all of your energy from a hobby either.....

The story is almost the same as mine, different country and continent, but we're younger

When someone describes their relationship with so much psychological jargon, it's an appeal to authority and disingenuous. These are the types that seek out couples therapy with the aim of winning the therapist over and weaponising them against their partner.

The advice is tough and realistic but maybe we can be compassionate and say with limerence or any intense infatuation our brains are releasing chemicals that are not making us think straight. Also it's what makes us human but we need to be aware that we are creating an idealised version of someone, one without flaws, up on a pedestal and when they are on a screen that infatuation can become greatly exaggerated.

This video hurts😢

He likely loved her as a friend, but she wasn’t his type

💚💚💚

I don't know how you can have romantic feelings for a person you've never been with in person.

I’m a guy reading through the comments here and this shit hurts. I’ve been single ever since my wife and I separated. For 4 years I would hook up with women casually and didn’t want anything serious, and for a while, it worked. Met a woman just after new years. She told me that she prefers to be in a monogamous relationship. She’s kind, sweet, vulnerable, outgoing, etc. all the attributes I guess you would say that I wanted to find in a partner. Someone that I can once again be vulnerable with. I told her that we should be together and she was very reluctant. When she first slept over at my house she said that she really didn’t need anyone and that she was only really interested in having sex and someone to go on nice dates with. I obliged because I wanted the same thing. Well almost the same thing. I really want to be loved and because she works a couple states over a few weeks at a time, I only really see her one week a month. When we’re together time slows down and I feel so at peace around her. When she’s gone she’s gone. It’s tough. Especially when I’m lonely. I want someone like her but more available, someone that has the ability to make a relationship somewhat of a priority. I find myself thinking man what if we were together for a long time and what if she were to become more available. And I don’t know if that day will ever come.

The site blocked for me unfortunately🙄.

My point might seem like opposite, but are we considering the practical limitations here? They live in two different continents, and neither of them are willing to move to each other's place. Sasha doesn't wanna move due to her physical condition, what about the man? May be he has legal restrictions to move to Sasha's country. we don't know that. I don't know what kind of Medical/ Physical condition does Sasha have, but it's kind of confusing to think that in this year 2024, that might restrain people to move to other country. Did Sasha solely want the man to move in? And, may be the man was quite practical thinking this wouldn't go anywhere, so he was clear about it in the beginning. Is it that man's fault that Sasha still fell for him, even though that man was clear about his stand? Talking for hours a day is very normal for BFFs. I used to do it with my both male and female BFFs. Didn't cause any problem. And I still kind of think, if Sasha would move in to that man's country, that man would have given their romantic relationship a shot. I am not taking that man's side or going against Sasha, I am talking about practicality and logic here. I am trauma survivor myself, I was badly abused by my mother and my first love.

14:00

no need of a person by my side and limerence is better than reality.

Another side- Dark Limerance by an FA man who pushed his gf away. When she finally REALLY left and went no contact, the dark limerance. If you can feel pain, you can love too.

Putting crumbs together to make a little loaf & thinking that’s good enough 😿 Healing our childhood wounds can help heal the whole world ❤️‍🩹

Very accurate analysis, I see this psycho babble an awful lot in people who are manipulative, sad she is so deluded about the limit of that friendship

9:16

Goes the same way for men, ladies. Most guys will tell you if she 'only wants to be friends' than they're out of there. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Then again, you have to have your cake first before you can eat it. Have you visited your local bakery today? 😁

Yikes

6:09

If you love a woman leave her alone

Sounds like she still has some healing to do...

It is always the same:women expect the guy to move. If she could not move or did not want to move due to health reasons or excuses..then she should bring that topic onto the table before getting involved emotionally..instead of asuming that he would want to move.

Oh Anna, this is my relationship with my husband. We met online and got married too soon. I am miserable. He emotionally cheats on me and has no respect for my needs. I sit here wishing he would work on his avoidant tendencies. He goes to his old female friends online for validation and dismisses me.

Unfortunately there is a lot of self-help new-age jargon out there that keeps individuals stuck in unhealthy patterns… I like your no nonsense proactive approach Anna.. 💛

All these sappy things this guy supposedly said to her, make embarrassed for her!

As long as you don’t have to wash his dirty socks, then it’s not a “real” relationship.

I've been watching this channel with a critical eye for a little while now, it's interesting to see how concepts from psychology and psychiatry are being communicated to the public. However I think this video does generalise advice that only really applies in specific circumstances. As a viewer that is queer, I'm always suspect about any advice along the lines of "you can't be friends with " because if you're capable of being attracted to people of any birth sex or gender expression, then like- how can you be friends with anyone? So really I have to call this out- the part of "limerence" that I rarely see communicated effectively if at all in content like this is the objectification aspect. Sometimes terms like "limerent object" will be used without context such as definitions of objectification and/or descriptions of the subject-object relation. If you have persistent and recurring issues with objectifying people of the gender(s) you're attracted to then that is an issue you need to work on before you can form any healthy relationships- friendships or otherwise. If no longer being in contact with exs or people you dated works for you, then great- but prescribing "victorian" attitudes towards gender relations is taking it a step further and into really unhealthy territory.

It’s amazing how judgmental healers can be. It’s truly time for healer to heal not just the hurt but those hurting the hurt deserve heal. I used to be fan of this station but after this… I’m done. Healing is hard work and it’s something that belongs to all. The victim mentality is destroying humans that need healing. If you get hurt you need healing and if you hurt you need healing. Where are the healing centers? Until I see real work being done : I’m done with internet healers. Especially those that charge $1600 for classes such as this…are you interested in healing or money? Don’t answer show us through your classes and work. This video sounds like you have been hurt and need healing too…healers don’t get disrupted over someone’s story yes empaths are real but this is not that; this is judgement…as if you are above those you’re helping I never want help from a arrogant and money motivated healer. It helps no one to belittle those you’re attempting to help. Borderline Gaslighting…?

That's why I love the idea of an AI girlfriend

he's probably gay in my mind but anyway, just a sudden thought!

Someone need to get it all together - if it’s a twin flame connection, you both are right. Because she needs to heal excactly on the topics you mentioned, but there is another aspect to if if it’s a twim flame connection, and is that you cannot ignore this love.