Jen, You have definitely been missed. i have been wondering about you but thought something must have happened to prevent you from posting a video. I wasn't surprised by your absence once i heard you'd had house guests, though, as i knew you'd be exhausted & need to rest. In this light, have you ever been diagnosed with M.E. (myalgic encephalomyelitis) or fibro myalgia - both of which can be the result of long term trauma or illness? (I have both). I perfectly understand, & often say "the spirit's willing but the flesh is weak!" as i wish i could do more but am frustrated by my body/brain not being able to do what i'd like them to! (Some days my brain thinks i'm 17 but my body thinks i'm 92!) So sorry to hear about your husband's health flare & such a lengthy wait in A&E, too - you'd think he would be prioritised considering his medical condition. Waiting times are horrific & getting worse here, too. Sometimes people are having to wait in abulances because there's no room, which means the ambulances are then effectively 'grounded' & therefore unable to attend other emergencies - it's a vicious circle. Yes, you are are absolutely right in that your own health & wellbeing, & that of your family & friends, must always come first - i certainly understand that & will not think any less of you for having this philosophy, & am sure others will feel the same because it's an important & very beneficial part of self-care. It was an important lesson i learned when i found i could eventually say "no" to people, (not in an unkindly way but a nevertheless assertive one), but an even more important lesson when i realised i needed to say "no" to myself. Because i was brought up with the doctrine that i should always put others first, no matter the cost, i became in effect a people pleaser - no other way to describe it - & my husband was the same but to a much greater degree as his mother was much more controlling than mine. It was he who made me wake up & realise & understand what was happening with us both, for which i am grateful (silver linings & all that), & we have both learbed from it. I am proud of you that you are able to speak so honestly in your video, & the strategies you're planning are really sensible ones. I hope that sense of failure you feel will soon dissipate. I read somewhere that every failure/mistake is valuable because they are learning curves in themselves. It is natural, i think, for those of us with the personality types that we have, to foster with the best of intentions a tendency to 'bite off more than we can chew', & then end up feeling disappointed that we weren't able to achieve, usually because of the sometimes impossibly high standards we set ourselves (again usually due to our upbringing), & we are often much kinder & more lenient with others than we are to ourselves in this ilk, too! (I've often had to say to myself, "Ok, plan B/C/D then!") With long term chronic illness & cptsd we suffer lots of little losses that we need to grieve & come to a place of acceptance over, & i consider that to be a major one. Yes, i've had a 'drying up/freezing' of creativity in the past - in the form of writer's block when i attended writing groups years ago, & a ceasing of creativity in my drawing in the past - & very uncomfortable it felt, too! Back then with the writer's block i managed to push through it by carrying on writing even though what i was putting down seemed like a jibbering load of old nonsense. With the drawing, however, i just gave up - these days, though, with the availability of the internet, i would be able to watch tutorials & hopefully push through in the same way, learning new skills & gaining inspiration along the journey. With my music (piano & guitar) i have periodically given up but find if those periods go on for too long then it's much harder to get back to even the same place i left off, as skill sets (muscle memory, sight reading, etc) just keep diminishing as time passes - as i am seeing to my detriment at the moment... For example, it took me a whole year to learn a piece of Mendelssohn from his beautiful Liede Ohne Worte which i loved but, looking at it again now, i can hardly play a note, so i need to take time to sut down & learn it all over again - & that's the same with all the pices i learned years ago. I heard recently on another creative vlogg that we need to 'keep the muses healthy' & that we only have ourselves to blame if we don't - it wasn't meant in an unkind way but in a totally honest & truthful way, as no one can do it for us - it's down to us to keep those coggs well oiled! (Hard enough for those 'ornary' bods, but even harder for those of us with energy-sapping illnesses). This has turned into another long one, so all for now. Sending, as always, vibes of strength & peace across the pond, Belle.