A Survivor Story: Marilyn Van Derbur

Рет қаралды 1,334,713

10 жыл бұрын

Marilyn shares her story of child sexual abuse, to provide a deeper understanding of the experience of survivors.
Together, we can protect children from sexual abuse. To learn how you can help us keep kids safe, visit our website at www.D2L.org/get-trained.

Пікірлер: 4 000

@lisajones2533 4 жыл бұрын

I was sexually abused from 3 to 19 I still can’t have a normal relationship. I cannot be around my Parents or siblings, I did finally find my voice, and tell. Everyone was so protective of my parents. I was bullied . I stay to myself all the time, even around people, the comfort I have is closing my eyes and going within myself. No one around me understands , now that I’m 55 evevyone says just get over it. So I’m the only one who really cares and loves me

@abutterfly7975 3 жыл бұрын

I understand so much.....

@jfranco1300 3 жыл бұрын

God can bring you healing and deliverence.and Joy of the Lord to you.call on him in the name of Jesus! Praying youll be set free....

@jeffthompson6451 3 жыл бұрын

Jesus loves you

@froandcara 3 жыл бұрын

❤️

@PotterSpurn1 3 жыл бұрын

I suffered an abusive childhood from two narcissistic parents. My brother too was / is a narcissist. I was the family scapegoat. The destruction their emotional and psychological abuse had on me: especially the invalidation, the belittling, the glaring favouritism toward my brother, knowing that I could not talk to either parent, knowing my father (or mother) never wanted me to be happy or successful, their sadistic tendencies too permeated every core of my being and I have ended up alone, too scared and unwilling to commit to a relationship with anyone knowing full well that what I am inside may put a potential partner off. So I have never married or had kids or ever had a wonderful home filled with people and happiness. I've lived alone all my life struggling with it for a long while, trying to find a route cause and the correct label that explained their behaviours and and just trying to cope with it all. I wouldn't have even got as far as I had if I had not become a Christian, so that is one silver lining. The economic impacts have been just as hard too - anger stopped me being able to mix well or hold down a job earlier in life - and the whole abuse continued into my parents death when they disinherited me for ever trying to escape the abuse and make a life for myself, which they clearly did not want for me. Not allowing myself to be in the firing line of their direct face to face abuse was reason enough to abuse me more in my absence- so it seemed. When they died (no one bothered telling me they had died, I just found out) I never mourned either one of them. Never shed one tear. Never attended their funerals. I have no idea where either one of them is buried. Neither parent had bothered explaining, apologising for the abuse and by leaving their entire estate to my brother they wanted to leave this world ensuring that I did not have a brother either. The money and unfairness would cause an obvious divide that was impossible to mend. I can't tell you what it is like knowing that your family doesn't just not love you but also wants to go out of their way to make that clear to you from the time you were young until the day they die and beyond. It's almost impossible to see yourself as a loveable, normal human being when there are so many tangible reasons to think otherwise. The legacy of the hurt and pain they caused is total introversion, an unwillingness to trust, a desire to just not bother to socialise after attracting a whole lot of other exploitative narcissistic types into my life. Being an abuse victim makes you an obvious target for more of the same. So I tend to avoid people now. Most of the time it is OK, but at Birthdays and Christmas it is painful to be alone. The bible says that I should love my persecutors but not their behaviour. They know not what they do. I haven't got to that stage yet. So I feel like a failure as a Christian too. But I do know that God loves me. That I am sure of. He has blessed me in so many ways and I have sensed his presence from early childhood. I am certain he sent an angel to look out for me. The destruction that child abuse can cause is mind-blowing. No one, who has never experienced it, could possibly understand it. Emotional abuse is often harder to deal with because no one believes it's as bad as physical or sexual abuse. But it is. The impacts are just as devastating.

@pattyoneill6724 3 жыл бұрын

The part where she says her husband never betrayed her, oh she deserves that love, is a sweet woman.

@sallyann985 2 жыл бұрын

Truth be told she got very lucky outside of the abuse situation. Most people don't have the kinds of blessings that she has.

@fritula6200 Жыл бұрын

Laura...in reply: You're missing her story: listen to her daily pain: it's because she was wealthy that she was able to reach you & me and HELP millions of INCEST VICTIMS:

@cwhyharris7473 4 жыл бұрын

My baby sister was a survivor at the hands of an older sisters husband. From the age of 5 to 14. She passed recently at 53yrs of diabetes complications. When we hold our hurts inside it destroys our body. I so miss her.

@TheRetroWoman80 2 жыл бұрын

Hugs💚 so sorry for what she went through and that COVID messed with her too. Please keep the bright memories of her close to your mind and heart.

@rickruthstrom222 Жыл бұрын

At one of the darkest points in my life, Marilyn revealed what had happened in her life. My mind was screaming, “No, not Miss America too!” I was violated by several perpetrators as a child. In 1991, my three-year old very clearly told me what had happened to him and who did it. That finally launched me into my own recovery over 30 years after first being violated. My acquaintance with Marilyn began then. Miss Colorado before becoming Miss America was living in Denver. I have lived in Colorado since 1979. I was able to participate with groups Marilyn was a part of. However, the best memory of that time was the two-plus-inch thick file of personal correspondence between myself and Marilyn. Her very personal efforts to support my recovery were stellar.

@annakoshi4774 4 жыл бұрын

What horrifies me is that her mother did not support her. That is the ultimate rejection!

@user-rd6dh4hq1j 2 жыл бұрын

Women often look the other way or just won't accept it even if the child finally opens up to her - because it's more important not to lose the man and to be alone. It's sickening! So many men (and also women) get away with their crimes forever.

@TheRetroWoman80 2 жыл бұрын

One of THEE most disgusting and unforgivable ways a parent can behave towards their child😡

@sweetrose813 Жыл бұрын

I know but these women seem to be blinded by the shame of it so they'd rather live in a fantasy world a plastic world that's fake and sacrifice their daughters to the lust of their husband that man needs to be locked up instead of covering his sins

@Lemoncare 10 ай бұрын

Its called a betrayal.

@barbryll8596 5 жыл бұрын

Even imagining a father getting sexual gratification from his own daughter makes my stomach turn !!!! Marilyn you are a very brave, beautiful woman! Thankyou for helping people see the bigger picture.

@milkandhoney9849 5 жыл бұрын

barb ryll so painful

@jameseverett9037 5 жыл бұрын

And it's those kind of guys who will always have women who are committed to them, while a million "nice" guys won't.

@KDL861 5 жыл бұрын

barb ryll Does it make you wonder what happened to her parents as children?

@dancingnature 4 жыл бұрын

Trauma bonds

@DorothyGTyas 4 жыл бұрын

It makes me want to cry.... and rage for all children who are abused by sexual predators. What an absolute unmitigated nightmare of a horror show.

@oneday455 3 жыл бұрын

She was so articulate, and able to identify all the pitfalls of internalizing the shame. What a great spokesperson for survivors!

@VioletJoy 3 жыл бұрын

Absolutely!

@cornelj. 3 жыл бұрын

Nope! If she spoke up sooner she could've prevented her dad from hurting others. She doesn't deserve praise.

@minniemouse8686 3 жыл бұрын

@@cornelj. You may need to learn to listen better...ignorance is quite ugly when spoken in arrogance.

@cornelj. 3 жыл бұрын

@@minniemouse8686 explain your argument please?

@annamfkelly 2 жыл бұрын

Easy for you to blame the victim! Do you do this often in your life? Are you that harsh on yourself? Where is this coming from?

@pattim173 3 жыл бұрын

I grew up in an incestuous family. These men believed it was ok to victimize the women in the family yet they held shame. Hid what they were doing, knowing very well it was wrong. I was beaten for going to a therapist because he (my idiot father) thought I was telling them what he did. I did. My mother, who suffered from tremendous low self esteem, allowed it. She was complicit and I blamed her for not protecting my sister and I. My marriages could never flourish because of the abuse. I could never wear a bathing suit, and to this day I still lock the bathroom door while using it. Through life I would never allow my children to know her or my father.

@samch656 2 жыл бұрын

All my prayers for you sister 🙏 clay God bless you Ameen

@catherinehenry6762 2 жыл бұрын

why is it that mothers so often deny what is happening when their children tell them about the abuse. They go so far as calling their child a liar. I've heard of it happening so many times, once in my own family. Why this , almost universal, denial? Is it just too awful to even consider, or too socially unacceptable, is the hurt too deep that you could betray your own child and make her (him) feel even more isolated?

@GEENIAH3 Жыл бұрын

Im so sorry 😕

@debraethan8920 Жыл бұрын

@@catherinehenry6762 I think mothers deny because it would hurt too much & be too much of an upheaval to accept or believe the truth. The mothers find it easier to bury their head in the sand & look the other way. My sis was abused at 7 repeatedly. She was told never to tell because it was her fault. She started wetting the bed at 7. When she got her period at 12, she finally told. My mother said she must've enticed her abuser (who was our cousin, my mother's brother's son, 15 at the time of the abuse). My mother blamed my sister because otherwise my dad would have to know & my mother always held her family up as superior to my dad's family. So mothers have all kinds of reasons for their denial. When my sis would wet the bed, seems my mother would have to wonder why all of a sudden. Could it possibly have something to do with the fact that this cousin was babysitting us while she & my dad worked? Instead she'd wash my sister's face in those urine soaked sheets to teach her a lesson. We were frequently treated like animals. I divorced myself from my mother as a young woman because I could see the kind of person she was. God help all children who have a "mother" like this.

@lindsays2007 Жыл бұрын

@@debraethan8920 oh my. I’m sorry you and your sis went through this. Unbelievable. I’ve never heard of a mother rubbing her child’s face in their urinated sheets (though I know it’s undoubtedly happened bc parents can be cruel). Truly, you both have my respect. If you don’t mind me asking: about how long ago did the abuse start? I’m just curious when it took place. ❤❤

@artbysonyabadgley 4 жыл бұрын

This happened in my family as well. My father and my brother who was 10 years older than me. I have 4 other sisters and it happened to every one of us. All of us in some way ended up being damaged because of these horrible secrets. I was one of them that stood up to my brother and said I was going to tell if he touched me again. I ended up marrying 3 times to abusive men...thinking that's all I deserved. I went to counseling for years...and FINALLY, at the age of 40 I figured out that I did NOT have to have abuse of ANY kind in my life. And the way Marilyn had the split personality and acted out and had to be hospitalized was so much like what happened to my sister. These pedophiles need to be locked up permanently!

@thcproductions477 4 жыл бұрын

Hunny, I'm SO sorry this happened to you and your sisters. I hope you managed to find happiness, self worth and self love. So much evil out there... it makes me sick to my stomach. Love and light to you, always XOX

@artbysonyabadgley 4 жыл бұрын

@@thcproductions477 I did find happiness, self-worth, and self-love. Thank goodness! And yes, so much evil...it's so heartbreaking! God bless you for caring. xo

@artbysonyabadgley 4 жыл бұрын

@Monica Merino Yes, I do! And I'm so thankful for that! And He has delivered me, praise God. I just wish I could rescue all other victims.

@rochelleahrotbard8866 4 жыл бұрын

ABSOLUTELY

@breezy3725 4 жыл бұрын

No, they need swift justice. Anyone who harms an innocent child needs to be strung up until dead, period. There is no rehabilitation.

@Catalystresource 4 жыл бұрын

As a therapist and an incest survivor myself, her description of dissociation and the abandoned inner child that she needed to rescue is so perfect! It is everyone's recovery journey and eventually it will manifest into physical symptoms to get our attention, which ultimately is a blessing.

@fritula6200 Жыл бұрын

Correct!!

@OneTrueWord1988 4 жыл бұрын

She absolutely glows with happiness when she talks about her husband! So happy for both of them. 💕

@myfriendisaac Жыл бұрын

I hope she realizes how MAGNIFICENT she is for sharing this story. Wow 😭👏🏾💯

@dreamsofturtles1828 4 жыл бұрын

She loved her father but he did not love her. No one who loves their child could do this .

@malola100 4 жыл бұрын

Her father is undoubtfully a psycopath... I read the first chapters of the book online and he was a tyrant with the whole family beginning with the heartless mother... He just cant love anyone

@lynnklein6146 4 жыл бұрын

He was a very sick man

@alejandraalejandra4700 3 жыл бұрын

Dreams, it's nothing about love in her father thats lust like animal's. Probably she was confused if she stayed in that house hold until 18...

@alejandraalejandra4700 3 жыл бұрын

Also victims are often feel like powerless, like paralise to move out or dream to start clean. BECAUSE they blame self first...

@Farrah300 3 жыл бұрын

Exactly my thoughts. If a parent loves his or her child, he or she would do everything possible to keep child safe, and NEVER HURT HIM OR HER.

@grizzlybear4 4 жыл бұрын

"THEY NEVER STOP." Truest words ever. Damn them, and damn their enablers.

@curiousgeorge6921 4 жыл бұрын

That's Why Hell exists yet people call God evil for promising that

@fabulousatfiftywilliams4177 4 жыл бұрын

They don’t want to stop

@cathyrenick8562 4 жыл бұрын

NO, there's no cure for pedophilia and that is a fact. More than likely her father was also sexually abused. Sexual abuse incest is usually passed onto many generations in families. Her mother's denial as rejection seemed much harder to accept. Made me wonder if she herself split and was also sexually abused. Exactly, as she stated, How could her mother not know for 18 yrs. Very interesting how she was able to heal and finally get the validation she needed and found happiness.

@cathyrenick8562 4 жыл бұрын

@@curiousgeorge6921; Seriously, where in any Bible does it say hell exists? I'd really like to know. What I appreciate from her life's exoeriences. She was betrayed, rejected found true love and was later validated by her husband's family. Amazing child as a survivor of incest, betrayal of her father, and denial or rejection of her mother. Who may have herself been surviving abuse of incest. A truly remarkable woman as a survivor who was able to heal.❤ GOD BLESS ❤ALL SURVIVOR'S.

@Mademoyselle 4 жыл бұрын

Mary Riker Marilyn is exactly right-in the vast majority of cases-“They NEVER stop.” She said everything, in this interview, that I have always felt. Especially, when she says (not verbatim) “Even if there are some who are reformed, oils I trust my child around them? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Not even for 10 seconds.” I love her for that. She has expressed so much of my emotions, it’s surreal. Pray complete healing for each and every survivor.🙏🏾

@lps1045 4 жыл бұрын

“All I wanted was my father’s daytime love” A sad story but its a survivors story.

@karenkennedy6331 4 жыл бұрын

I am from Denver, I remember you. We thought you lived a charmed life. Thanks for speaking out.

@Farrah300 3 жыл бұрын

Everything this lady touched turned to gold seemingly. Nobody knew of the horror she suffered.

@dyawr 3 жыл бұрын

Must be surreal hearing this story now, while also knowing her from afar back then.

@sOnlight67 5 жыл бұрын

"He never betrayed me... I could trust him." I wish I could say those words.

@MimiB1974 4 жыл бұрын

You never know what someone’s going through..... smiles hide a lot

@blessedbeyondmeasures7532 4 жыл бұрын

me af

@texastea5686 4 жыл бұрын

@@blessedbeyondmeasures7532 😔

@chee5935 4 жыл бұрын

Totally !!!!

@bigjon-zx7ly 4 жыл бұрын

Very true.

@nildabridgeman8104 4 жыл бұрын

MANY in life are clowns... Behind the makeup & costume are hidden tears

@ladennayoung2939 4 жыл бұрын

Larry was literally Heaven sent.

@Farrah300 3 жыл бұрын

Marilyn found unconditional love. So many never do.

@dyawr 3 жыл бұрын

@Ladenna Young Exactly 👍 Amen

@suestone6156 3 жыл бұрын

She just explained the exact details of my life, except it wasn't my Father! I was threatened not to tell anyone! I was only five!!! As an adult I had to be perfect and succeed in everything, and I did! After 50+ years I choose to still remain alone, but I know now this stress is causing my severe health issues! Thank God I found this video. May God Bless her!

@bedeshahines9287 5 жыл бұрын

I was sexually assaulted by my moms guy friend and it wasnt the abuse that damaged me as much as my moms reaction which was telling me "maybe he just wanted to see what little girls felt like down there." It has taken me 20 years to recover my sense of self worth after hearing that statement.

@Pamsmith59 5 жыл бұрын

She made an excuse for the guy's despicable behavior???!! Did she continue on with him, too???

@bedeshahines9287 5 жыл бұрын

@@Pamsmith59 it wasnt a boyfriend, he was married to one of her friends, but she tried to make me go over there for a swim party a few months later to make things "look normal". he ended up molesting other people at the party which couldve all been avoided if my mom had her balls on and her wits about her and reported it. she was always the mom who refused to make a fuss. i became an alcoholic later in life and spent 10 years that way because i had no self esteem and i refused to address issues in my life that needed action. been sober 10 yrs and eventually had to deal with this situation in an effort to recover from my codependency issues and the rage i ended up feeling for her when this all fully processed inside of me was unbelievable!

@Pamsmith59 5 жыл бұрын

@@bedeshahines9287 I am so sorry that your mother was self-absorbed and unaware of the actual need to protect you; not to mention your psychological needs. SO IMPRESSED that you are now sober and working through all this. I've always loved Dr. Laura's definition of self-esteem. She says, "Nobody GIVES you self-esteem. You EARN self-esteem by doing hard things." And YOU certainly have earned it!!! Very best wishes to you.

@wandalester7253 5 жыл бұрын

I am a surviver of multiple family incest. My skin crawled when my father touched me. I have a picture of my face splitting, one half is trying to smile, the other half in cringing. I was so afraid of my father finding out that he made my skin crawl. I am sixty-six years old and l'm still inside the coat of a foster mother, we are standing outside of her car, l am four years old. I was only with this foster mother for 24 hours. The hug she gave me as she tucked me into bed was the only hug l received as a child with love and security. I now know through counseling that it me that won't come out of her coat. The twenty-four hours l spent with Eleanor and that hug help me survive what came before and after that hug.

@mariacardoza8093 4 жыл бұрын

Your a true survivor

@chynnhowe 4 жыл бұрын

Wanda Lester I’m so sorry.

@wandalester7253 4 жыл бұрын

@@mariacardoza8093 thank you for your comment. God is so good, through Jesus, l was able to forgive my father and mother before they died. I will see them again someday. I hope you know the Saviour Jesus Christ. I have a wonderful relationship with Him through His Word! My favorite Ch. is John 17.

@wandalester7253 4 жыл бұрын

@@chynnhowe, thank you for your comment. I am still amazed how Jesus Christ has changed my life.

@lindaj171 4 жыл бұрын

Wanda, I hope the rest of your life is filled with comfort and peace and love. You so richly deserve the best life has to offer. I'm sure everyone who reads your story would love to give you a warm, healing hug, myself included. ❤️🙏🏻

@rebeccaaldrich3396 3 жыл бұрын

You can't blame a child. Thank you for your story.

@glasshalffull4061 4 жыл бұрын

8:36 She hit the nail on the HEAD when she said, "We feel unlovable. We have to marry into relationships where we're not treated well, because we don't believe we deserve to be treated well." It's not because we want to be abused! It's not just the physical or sexual abuse, but the mental and emotional abuse as well. Children are in their formative years and predators know it and take complete advantage of that. They mentally and emotionally abuse children along with the sexual abuse in order to gain complete control. Unfortunately, even if the sexual abuse stops, the mental, spiritual and emotional effects last a lifetime. That's why it's SO IMPORTANT to participate in counseling, and if possible, involve those you trust implicitly. Doing this creates a Network of Support which is absolutely critical to healing. Marilyn, Thank You for being So BRAVE! Bless you. Bless you! BLESS YOU!!!

@Tameasa 5 жыл бұрын

I heard Marilyn Van Derbur tell her story when I was a young woman in my 20s. She helped me to find the courage to speak.

@jrg4313 4 жыл бұрын

Tameasa Provencher Very sad to hear that this happened to you. It is heartbreaking. I was not sexually abused.....I was verbally, emotionally and physically abused..... beaten, hit, ridiculed, ignored, teased, put down, yelled at, etc. by my father, and the other siblings were encouraged to do the same. My mother looked the other way. I have been in therapy 40 years and counting.

@sharongill9837 4 жыл бұрын

@@jrg4313 😢😢😢😢😢

@sallymander7863 4 жыл бұрын

Tameasa, JR G, I don't know what to say to you both to comfort you, all I can do is hope you find the happiness you both deserve, sending you love and hope, bless you both ❤️❤️

@jrg4313 4 жыл бұрын

@@sallymander7863 Thank you! I was fortunate not to be sexually abused. I can sort of forgive my mother because she had a he-ll of a hard life growing up. Her brothers were abusive to their children. I don't know where my father's anger and mental health issues came from. His parents were not abusive in any way, and his siblings were not abusive to their children in any way. Many many others have been through worse and too many to this day go through horrible abuse. People who abuse defenseless children, elderly, handicap and animals are evil vile scum. God Bless you 🙏!

@adriennep.5004 4 жыл бұрын

She is a stunningly beautiful woman....more beautiful than when she was young and she tells her story with such grace and class and honesty.

@ummiramli6554 4 жыл бұрын

That's what I thought striked me when I first scrolled down ! Amazing beauty.

@schoomzer 4 жыл бұрын

Adrienne P. Yes, stunningly beautiful then and now, but not more beautiful now than when she was younger.

@terenoy 4 жыл бұрын

schoomzer I’m guessing it’s the depth of positive feelings that shine through.

@ladennayoung2939 4 жыл бұрын

She is pretty period. When she was younger. She was pretty, and at an older age. She is pretty.

@reneecarter4505 4 жыл бұрын

I'm not sure when this interview was made but she is 82 years old now and still beautiful. So glad she chose to share her story, may she continuously help others.

@seattlejayde 4 жыл бұрын

“It’s never too late to be a Mother” .... profound

@romanromano4338 4 жыл бұрын

""I will NEVER SPEAK TO YOUR MOTHER AGAIN!' Oh, it was so validating." It's a shame to the family when it is other people who give you the kind of love and protection that you desperately need. A heart-wrenching story.

@Farrah300 3 жыл бұрын

Marilyn's father-in-law is nothing short of AWESOME~~~

@TheRetroWoman80 2 жыл бұрын

It is a terrible shame indeed. But thank goodness those other sweet spirits exist.

@bigfoottreehugger12213 5 жыл бұрын

In my opinion when your loved ones don’t acknowledge the abuse it hurts more than the abuse itself then the healing doesn’t know where to begin 😞