"Power in a relationship is the ability to stand in front of another human being, and openly, transparently exhibit love and be willing to take the outcome." Perfect quote!

"Don't be someone's down-time, spare-time, part-time or sometime. If they can't be there for you all the time, they're not even worth your time. "

“Their greatest fear is that if they stand still long enough, you will see them. You will see through them.” Wow, that statement really opened my eyes. Thank you so much.

I've learned that if you are open and tell them how you really feel and what bothers you about their behavior,they double down and use what's bothering you against you.

I really needed this. I'm in tears right now. I thought I was going crazy & u have allowed my mind to come to peace.

Self love and self honor will magnetize healthy masculine energy to the feminine, we have to stop chasing, fixing, working so hard and just trust in it, let go of control and stand in our power....that sends a powerful signal....feminine energy is receptive...big lesson for me!

Thank you, Susan! So true! I recently told him: "No contact = no relationship. This isn't working for me." Being the emotional coward that he is, he never responded. It's all about control & power games with these people. They are weak & fragmented. Don't let them waste your time - you are too valuable as an authentic, loving person.

Don't let someone waste your time like this for three years, I've had this situation going on for three months and even that has been a complete waste of life. Spot these signs early and walk away. Always remember that you deserve better than being someone's little toy that they play with when and if they feel like it.

I totally agree with this. So many "dating coaches" say confronting this is being "needy". I disagree.

You are SO right! Sadly women have been told that if they question what a guy's motives she will come across as desperate. I really hate that a lot of women believe that asserting themselves about what they want and don't want makes them look clingy, desperate or "crazy". I've definitely been in this position with hot and cold men and simply stating (calmly) that they're indecisive behavior is confusing and because of it I'd rather not be contacted by them any longer... wow! Watch them really lose their cool. It only confirms that they are indeed the powerless ones, not the girl who speaks up. People who are confident in expressing their feelings are absolutely the strong ones. People who play games are weak.

This is fire, i am a hot and cold person but this video opend my eyes to change my behavior, thank you for this great Video

Wow, everything you said is so on point. My Ex broke up with me 3 times in a span of 2.5 months and kept coming back. And I kept taking her back because the 'hot' cycle was so alluring. I know she needs the attention to thrive on and hates it when I don't give or reward the 'shit testing', so now she's trying to make me feel worthless/powerless by ending us again. With the help of your advice, I'm beginning to feel stronger and more confident than ever. Thank you so much for your teachings.

Yeah I just went through that with a woman she played hot and cold. I called her out on it and found my answer and walked away. She did not look attractive anymore and I’m glad I stopped. When someone really likes you they will not play this game

Pow!!! And she hits the nail on the head...dont play the game raise them to your standard!!!

I had to watch this more than once! Best advice!! You’re such an intelligent classy woman! Thank you for this!

Hot and cold, is so painful. Im pulling back. 😞

One of your best videos. You saved me a lot of pain and gave me power to end the game finally. Thank you, Susan, you are a blessing to us!

Thank you for this Susan - being a guy who's been burned many times it's comforting to know I wasn't crazy for being open and honest with people - even if things didn't go exactly the way I'd hoped.

SPOT ON !! I just shook down a girl & told her to get back to me if she changes her mind. Life is too short , to put up with flakey women & my time is too valuable to waste

Wow. A game many of us know well, but never heard it explained so eloquently. Very enlightening. That really grabbed my attention. Bravo Susan, and thank-you!

Omg..this is exactly the conclusion I have reached about my boyfriend! Soom to be ex! A year ago I thought he is the one! After removing the rosy shades and taking a step back. I have noticed that he is not shiny anymore. He is empty , no essence or value! It all fake confidence, smoke and mirrors. Yes and alots of running about, avoiding real connection! Yes I can see that being around him is exhusting and boring and hot cycle really can't make up for the coldness! I don't know how to dump him without making a big deal of it. Am angry and would like to disappear from his life without bothering to explain! Just like what he've done to me! Shut me out in the cold. Until I knew what am dealing with! Am good now. So true what you said! One time he said word for word :"it's alot of hard work being me"! Shame if he put all that work in connection, authanticity and vulnerability! He woul have been a soght to be held! Thanks again!

Thanks so much. You,re a very intelligent lady and you hit the nail on the head everytime. It,s so much better to confront these players and stop their games so they realise they can,t play you. It will infact increase their respect for you and you get to keep your self respect too. Love is not playing games. Love is not a power struggle. Love is a healthy respect and admiration for someone. If someone is playing hot and cold with you then they don,t have that love for you. They are on a power trip for themselves

ahahahaha oh Susan, you are fantastic buddy :) you speak on complex topics in a very lucid manner which is understandable....thanks for this video

I must say that this channel is 1 of the very few channels that teaches MATURITY within relationships! Including my own channel lol! This information keeps me coming back for more! I have learned that in order to recognize maturity, it helps having some form of maturity within ourselves! Thank you for your channel here! I appreciate it.

Thank you Susan!!! I have to say I played that game for 3 years and finally got out. I'm completely off of the merry go round and have no contact. My days of frustration, crying, and fighting are a thing of the past. He's history and I feel very empowered!!!

I've known for quite some time that I had the power but was scared of losing him.😟 NOT ANYMORE!!😊 💙💙💙💙 Now he calls and texts like never before. NOPE NOT INTERESTED. BUH BYE!!

Great advice. So succinct and to the point. Call him out and tell them you don’t have time for the hot & cold games. “Hey I like you, I don’t have time for your hot & cold games.” Boom 💥!👏🏾

Brilliant, just brilliant! Thank you for clarifying the twisted game some people play. It’s confusing and hurtful and so childish. The worst part is not knowing you’re part of a game until an incredible lady gives you the rest of the puzzle pieces to put together. Thank you for sharing. I think you’ll save a lot of pain for a lot of people. 😊

Wow, this is an eye opener. I don’t play this game because I don’t have time for it. That said, I never thought about this type of behavior in these terms. It is kind of sad. Great talk, as always!

"Courage to love." Very important words. Thank you.

I found your videos about a month ago. I spent months watching all the other coaches on KZfaq. Their advice made the situation worse. You straightened my mind out.

"I love you - deal with it!" XD That's great. It's what I did. Guy didn't love me back. Saved me a lot of time and from more heartbreak than necessary. Feels like the Gandhi way of love. Just standing there, vulnerable, open and not even trying to fight or hide.

Omg, you have answered the $5 million dollar question of how to deal with hot/ cold players. Thank you!

Oh I love this. I’m learning about myself so much lately. I’m getting so much more comfortable by feeling what I feel and being satisfied with it. Though there are times when I have to tell myself I’m not afraid. I’m confident, that I can handle this. I so much want to face all of my insecurities so that I can continue to grow. I’ve been in the habit of running when I feel pressure, when I need to say what I want and feel to a man I’m interested in. I’ve shut down and ran away but blamed them. Smh at my past self now. Time to stop running away.

So true!!!!! I was involved with someone who went ‘cold’...again. I’m done and this video solidified my choice. Thank you!

i cant how incredible ive discovered you!!!!! youre sooo wise!!!! i can listen to you 24/7

I think this is, hands down, the most powerful coaching video I've ever watched. It has helped me enormously - despite the grief I feel at the loss of the relationship, I know we would be in the same place in 3 years. I just know it. Thank you Susan. I'm just hoping a better future is out there.

Thank you so much Susan! You just opened my eyes in a huge way you have no idea. Putting me at ease and how to deal with all of this I can't thank you enough for pointing me in the right direction! Bless you xox

Yes yes yes yes yes yes. Just...YES to all of it.

I love how both you and your surroundings always look so put together. I think it is important to have a functional clean space and to always look your best out of self-love and for the sake of clarity and purpose in life.

Beautiful delivery and extremely wise lesson. I think I am experiencing this. Earlier she was very reciprocative but suddenly she has stopped responding. Don't know what to do.

Wow, the entirety of my last two year relationship just made sense. Thank you.

Your videos are amazing! They explain everything I have been wondering for some time about a guy that I've liked for months. Thank you!

"They don't like themselves." You get that sense too. The Women I experience this with distances themselves, pushes away, and/or ghosts.

Absoulitly right, l had been in this game ,you give a clear , powerful explanation thank you my dear you are my guide.

Thank you, Susan. That is my goal. To stand in front of my love. Living in my power. and say "I LOVE YOU". And having her standing in her own power and say "I LOVE YOU" back. As my life grows, I will need a dating coach to guide and direct. my life. This is a new area for me. and I am reaching out for your help. Thank you so much.

Thank you! Detachment with love. Onward and upward!

Love this video. Some of this I already know and think about when I communicate and meet with a guy who plays hot and cold. He was so wonderful and I was into him until he texted and said to forget about him. So I stopped contacting him. 3 weeks later he contacted me again, lamenting that I didn't want him. I realised then it was a game. In the interim I had stopped caring so much and reflected a lot and now I see him with other eyes. My last boyfrien was a narcissist who has made me afraid of being hurt like that again. Now the hot and cold guy and I are again kind of seeing each other but we are playing each other in a way. I pretend like I'm into him but I know he's so afraid of rejection as you say so I am not that emotionally invested. Feels like we are two people who are afraid and lonely. Anyway, I really enjoyed the clear and succinct way you've presented this video.

I loved my ex girlfriend with everything I had. There was no hot/cold behaviour from my end; I was completely transparent with who I was and the true raw version of myself. You say this takes great courage and strength. When she dumped me, I didn't feel this courage and strength. And I don't know if I'll ever feel strong enough to love someone as genuinely again, knowing that it may as well just be thrown in my face again.

„ transparency is the greatest fear for those who hate themselves“ Susan Winter, dating philosopher

I’m going threw this right now!! Hot&Cold she lets me in saying she wants our relationship going further ten pulls away once she sees my interest & knows how much I care about her it’s killing me inside my heart can only break so many times!!

Thank you so much Susan. I literally had survived this hot and cold mental torture from an individual from listening to your videos. every time I felt weak I would gain strength from listening to you before getting back out there again. Thank you.

Love with courage and dignity!!! LOVE THIS!! Thank you Susan~~

Susan, thank you so much for your insights and words of encouragement! I am in a situation where it is hot and cold. I wanted to test the waters since its been years since I've spoken to this guy and I did feel like there was some unresolved feelings to figure out. I did make it very clear with him about what I wanted and where I stood with him, but I just feel like this guy is just not getting it. I was overthinking the situation and feeling like he has so much power over my feelings and whatever this situation is... But after hearing your insights, it did open my mind more about the situation. I really appreciate you for reminding me that I am the stronger one for not being afraid to say how I feel and being honest about what I want.

Susan, the Lord God called you to do that what you are doing. Continue!

Your videos are super inspiring Susan! Thanks a lot for sharing your knowledge!!

@susanwinters thank you for this invaluable relationship wisdom. You made me realized that my vulnerability and authenticity make me the most powerful in any human dynamics. I would never amend my behavior from this point so i can repel those who are not up to my level. I love this video so much that i have put in on a loop before going to bed. Love you Ms Susan. I appreciate you more than you know.

Wow! Your work is brilliant and always eye-opening. Love you lady. Thank you.

This girl is the legend , simple and normal 🍀👼!

Please post this type video again. Best ever, in your work!’

Absolute genius, spot on!!!

You're giving me peace, I'm dating someone like this, I'm looking through rose colored glasses. Thank you Susan. 3:57 it's sad, exactly me.

Great topic!! Will definitely keep that in mind!!

My daughters father has anti-social personality disorder and exhibits borderline personality characteristics. Be on the watch for this as well.

.... I almost cried to this. This is EXACTLY MY LIFE, right now. Thank you Susan. THANK YOU.

Can’t confuse this with reason why someone disconnects with you because of boundary issues that have been broken. You can’t ignore those issues and think they are playing hot and cold with you. I disconnected from my ex many times and got back with her expecting a change in the relationship. It never happened. I can only show her compassion.

A guy that did that to me as nced emotionally more than anyone else (I asked him this). I was determined to advance the level of the relationship. I finally got him to agree to live with me. He said yes. Then he distanced himself. Went back to the game. He broke up with me saying he had to go out of state to deal with family stuff and *maybe* we could date when he got back. So he came back and of course he is living with a different girl who is way uglier, poorer and younger than me.

Just listened to your video, it was incredible insight on the topic. It is happening to me, but not anymore. Thank you..

This was absolutely the most eye opening thing I have heard. With my current situation, this makes so much sense. Thank you! Susan, you are amazing!

It took me years (I am now 43) to get there. Love always prevails and beats all odds.

I it was suggested by previous comments. I knew I had the power within me to decide whether I should stay or go? But I lack the will because of my own insecurity!

You’re the best Susan Winter!! Thank you so much for the help!! This hot and cold game completely describes what I’m going through and you help me so much to understand what’s going on and realize I’m not alone with this issue. It completely turns around my emotional problem with this! Thank you again!

Same here. It is super annoying. Every time we get really close she rejects me and just wants to be friends. I can feel that there is chemistry, all the signs are there that she really likes me but every time I tried to make it happen she pulls away. She said it herself that we would make a great couple and behave like one but just to reject me again when things get serious. I kept coming back as we fit so well together but I am tired of it now and hope I can withstand her. All those tiring and unneeded games. As CCW says so often people do more to avoid pain than to gain pleasure. It is a pity but I am sick of it and played her game for way too long.

Thank you so much for this new insight and it resonates with my heart

Thanks dear Susan. I ignored him for days. Then I let it all out. :) Feels good to call him out on his bs.

This IS the BEST commentary I’ve ever heard! So enlightening! THANK YOU!

Susan, this is eye opening. The way you put facts in place. It made me feel Powerful. Thanks so much.

I seem to attract this sort of thing and this sort of person. I thought the latest would not be like this and as soon as we were intimate, he went backing off and throwing little crumbs out like I was an acquaintance on social media. I did enough to encourage this person and since I am getting no encouragement back, I've dipped out fully. I decided it's for the best because he's not that great really if I get totally honest with myself. I was asking myself how come no one seems to like me enough and then a voice came into my head and said, "They don't like themselves enough. You need to raise your standards again." Either way, I've made progress in that I am not chasing, not getting upset at them, and just moving the opposite direction. This may sound harsh, but I am listening to my instincts more and they only get one chance with me by now, because it usually never gets much better no matter what I state. That's when you don't hang in there at all anymore.

You have wonderful content Susan, thank you!

Dear Susan, you are blessing my mind and heart with healing & peace in this video that I am watching again today. 🙏💛 Bless your heart.

Susan thank you I learned a lot from your video's. You help a lot of us understand what's going on. Thank you thank you .

Thank you so much again and again! I am going through all kinds of spiritual awakening and emotional healings listening to your videos! Your words are like a gift from God because all kinds of light bulbs are going off in my head! Is it funny that I prayed about some kind of breakthrough for the millionth time and that same night I came across your videos! Wow!

thank you very much for guiding me, to the end of loop, didn't knew, how much i would have gone into it but you saved me in the beginning.

You just gave me a piece of mind, this was all I needed to hear Thank you Susan 💐

you're amazing!! it is exactly what i am going through and i also study NLP and i realize every movement he does, and you point it great: they have a problem within themselves and they make me think i am not good enough...it worked a few years ago, but now, it doesn't work his technique. Why? I found who i am, and I found MY VALUE and he doesn't have anymore that luck to even look me in the eyes...he expected me to run to him like a puppy i used to be. And I didn't. So, now, after he saw i am not running to him anymore, he started to write to me again...but you know what? the POWER i used to give to him is now in MY garden :D he has to work, and pretty hard!

Wow, Susan. This is really accurate. He had self confidence issues... He did exactly what you say ...pre-emptively dumped me all the time. And then I changed my behaviour a bit and he would chase. I finished the relationship.

Learn to play the game. Take it as a compliment that he values you so much that he is willing to spend the energy to play this game with you. The reason men play this game is because they've seen too many women that they've been nice to walk off into the sunset with a**holes. So, they've ask themselves what are the a**holes doing that make women attracted to them? One of the things the a**holes do is a behavior called hot and cold or push-pull. Now, the a**holes do this naturally, because a**holes have several women they're dating at the same time. So they will be very attentive to one woman for a short period of time and then go off with another woman, then come back to the first woman. For a**holes it's not a game, it's just the way they are. And women let them do it, because they're attracted to a**holes. The nice guy is not like this. He usually has only one woman, but he's found in the past that if he doesn't keep her interested she will dump him. So, the nice guy plays this a**hole game. But, usually, he only plays this game with women he's interested in. The reason he isn't transparent with his feelings is because he's been dumped too many times by women who have walked off with a**holes. So, women have trained him to behave this way. I'm afraid I know this because I'm one of the a**holes they’ve walked off with. Halfway through my first date with my wife I put her hands behind her back, pressed her up against a wall and started kissing her. This was typical behavior for me on a first date. We had a hot make-out session halfway through our first date. Now, if you don't think that makes me an a**hole, after we'd been dating for two weeks, my wife went home to visit her parents. We were in college. That Saturday night I went over to the Student Union, picked up a girl, took her to the movies and made out with her at the dorm. It just so happened that this girl knew my wife, and told her about the guy she met at the Student Union. My wife confronted me on it, but it only made her more attracted to me. So ladies, you see why you're turning nice guys into a**holes. You reward a**hole behavior. After we were married, she told me how relieved she was on our first date that I wasn't a nice guy, because she had been on too many boring dates with nice guys. So, you can imagine the reaction of all the nice guys who dated her, when they saw her walk off into the sunset with an a**hole like me. How do I know that I'm an a**hole? My wife told me so. She told me that I'm so self confident that sometimes I come off as an arrogant a**hole. (I know you can't tell that by my comments here.) But she said that's what attracted her to me. So, this is why nice guys play this stupid game. Because women have taught them that nice guys are boring and a**holes are exciting. As Susan says, never never think that this is happening because you are not worthy. Far from it. This is happening because he thinks you are worth the trouble for him to play this game. He's going to all this trouble to try and keep you interested in him, because he's a nice guy, but he knows that you're attracted to a**holes. Now, if you do what Susan says and talk to him and tell him that he doesn't have to play this game, please please don't dump him six months later because you find him too boring. That will break his heart, and he will never believe another word any woman says about what she wants.

You are so awesome!! I love your advice, compassion and “real life” experience in the dating world. Thank you for being you and bringing a powerful female voice to the struggles we incur as we strive to have loving, open and honest relationships.

Susan... THANK YOU!! I subscribed, and also I'm sending tremendous loving energy from my heart to yours.

Those are hard but truthful words. Thank you for helping us understand the others and ourselves.

I’m currently in the cold cycle. Next time he pops back up, I’m going to say this all to him.

Wow. The way that you describe the standing still explains a lot. People with low self esteem play such games. It makes sense.

Thank you, Susan! I watched this video a few times before commenting. We are made to think that if we show signs of vulnerability, we are weak. That couldn't be farther from the truth, I'm learning. Once the whirlwind stops, what is left? Who are you? And I wonder if they ever tire themselves out? Again, thank you! 👍🏽

thanks for explaining ! It’s their fear of me not chasing them … had to figure this out …

Ty! My former boyfriend was a bit hot and cold at the very beginning. I'm an Avoidant and when he'd pull away I'd chat but I didn't chase. He stopped. Either confront like Susan says or just mirror them; they pull away, you do too, just enough replies to be polite but never beg for their attention.

Such valuable knowledge. You describe in your videos exactly the experience I had. You're very accurate about their behavior and intentions

This was some heat and nothing but the truth sheeesh !

Absolute best advice thank you Susan 😊

@Susan Winter I`ve seen MANY videos about this topic, but your approach is just perfect. And true. Thank you for sharing!

Love your videos Susan, they are really helpful. Learned a lot from this one too. Thank you