People often say they didn’t feel like a woman or they didn’t feel like a man, when in reality, no one knows what anyone other than themselves feels like. If your a girl and don’t like feminine things be masculine or be androgynous. Do whatever makes you happy, just don’t rush out and make unhealthy and irreversible changes to your body.

What does someone here mean when they say they have masc and fem inside? Cannot one simply have a female body and an expansive and creative character that doesn’t want to be confined to society’s stereotypes?

Sounds like your mother’s expectations were suffocating, and you had to get away from them. Not that that’s the only thing going on but your whole story was quite interesting.

“I stayed up late - writing fan fiction -“

I am so blown away by you story, your intelligence, your self actualization and your insight. This is such a unique story and I hope you will continue to share your journey cuase you are an incredible storyteller. I also send you all my best wishes for continued understanding and growth of your world and how you fit into it. Truly incredible!

31:14 I honestly didn't expect to relate to this, but at this time stamp, I did. As a teen, an Indian (from India) doctor convinced my mom my asthma was all in my head. I literally spent my entire 15th year sleeping upright so I wouldn't suffocate lying down. My mom literally believed this until a couple years ago, down to outright blaming me for "doing" asthma attacks on purpose to make her life harder, until a brief boyfriend of hers told her "No, seriously, look, if she's got asthma and doesn't get medication, she could die" and he gave me the last of his current inhaler. Prior to the day she handed me that inhaler, I had been awake 5 or 8 days (no idea how long, in truth, because the days fly by after 2 awake) because I could not lay down and there was no way to sleep sitting up at that apartment. Thank goodness for coffee, because that was how I survived staying awake the whole time. Parents, if you do this crap to your children, you are the worst of the worst, right up there with the molesters. By saying your children fake serious debilitating conditions just to make your life harder is hardcore mental abuse.

Hey Courtney, I hope you're doing okay, I know you don't know me, but I'm proud of you for making it to where you are today.

When you talked about wanting to serve people, and getting genuine satisfaction out of it, I kind of resonate with it on some deep level. Especially when you said about serving a family of some kind. My favorite line was "I'm a servant, not a slave"

As someone with BPD (borderline personality disorder) it is so intriguing to me you arent able to feel emotions. As being extremely highly emotional is the only thing ive ever known!

I'm sorry, and I don't mean to be rude, but I'm 25 minutes deep and wow does it feel good hearing about someone elses problematic family. My family is similar especially with the mother aspect. Our mothers would probably get along, that is if mine got along with anyone. I'm from a small town with very unproblematic lives. Thank you for making me feel less alone, even if its in the most unconventional way!

I don’t want to be a human either. Many of us Autists relate better to animals. They love unconditionally and are so accepting. My mom was just like you too. Narc mothers help to further harm Autistic daughters.

Your facial features are wonderful. The wig suits you. I was suicidal at one point too. I also considered the effect on others. Most of all, I stayed for my cat. Hope you are finding your place.

I like your voice. I'm somewhere on the spectrum but I don't want to physically transition, but I wish my voice were lower and yours is right where I'd like to be. ❤

This was so interesting, thank you for sharing your experience. I related to more of this than I expected so you got me thinking about some things, but it makes sense with some overlaps of family background, autism things, CFS, digestive issues, different personalities without it being DID, dissociation, sexuality, emotional stuff etc. The last one is totally different now but me a few years ago didn't really feel emotions and never consciously had so I still could relate. Even the compulsive scratching image took me back a few years which I hadn't even put into words before, so thank you for expressing it. Surprisingly to me though, the not so human thing also hit home even if android doesn't quite fit for me. I've always existed in this weird gender space of not really identifying with nonbinary trans as a label, and being pretty neutral about my birth sex. I would love to look like a man but just changing the way I dress isn't enough, and medical treatment to get there doesn't appeal personally (I also have the contrast of a sister who is trans so her experience helps me see my own as different to that). Honestly it would be fun if there was a switch I could push to choose man or woman based on the day, like switching an avatar, but I look like a woman and my body doesn't really do androgynous so whatever. It's not as overt as it used to be but I still get flashes of it occasionally, usually when I see/hear my name or get reminded of my human existence in some other way, I just didn't really give it language because I didn't realise it wasn't what other people experienced until I finally started working with therapists who were a good fit. Building healthier relationships has helped too cause I've been able to find a couple people who take all the 'weird' stuff in their stride and are good at both validating and questioning at the same time which helps my self awareness, so that's nice. All the best on your journey, I'm glad you were able to move away from your birth family and I hope you find that new family set up for yourself :)

You fascinate me.. your self awareness and genuineness is so amazing. I don’t relate to you whatsoever but find your personality just incredible

I also had chronic fatigue syndrome and recovered by clearing my digestive system of candida. there are many connections between autism and digestive system. take care of your tummy xxx

Wow! These complexities are so well articulated! Amazing, amazing, ah-amazing! 🙂👍 Kudos!

Being so analytical of how the body works definitely makes things super weird.

Love and respect to you on this journey ❤️

Thank you for your willingness to share your story. As a therapist, I am burdened by how many young people are falling under the spell of this dangerous Movement.

Great you’re sharing so candidly. You mention not experiencing emotional consequences, but you said you hated - and hate is definitely an emotion. So I wonder if there might be methods to get in touch with the emotions you clearly have but seem not to be in touch or regulate well. You present as happy (also an emotion). Great take on yourself and life. So my guess is it’s about exploring how to notice and be in touch with the emotions you appear to have.

Back in the day when I was first in the hospital for depression, they thought I could have autism, but I passed their tests. I've been medically transitioning for the past 2.5 years and I'm very happy with the results, but sometimes I worry that my semi-autistic characteristics have somehow tricked me into being trans. (I also have a LOT of anxiety.)

Thank you for sharing your story I hope you do write a memoir!

Your so well spoken you had me intrigued the entire story

Please write that memoir! xo

I loved your sense of humor and candidness. Thank you for sharing this. As a woman, myself I completely understand your hesitance to want to be a woman with all of the expectations we face. Strangely, I’ve experienced the vast majority of them coming from other women (aka Moms and peers). With that said, since its our own ‘kind’ who we feel most judged by, it would seem we would collectively stop the cycle to give ourselves a break lol. As a mother I’ve also experienced the pressure of societal standards regarding my parenting, yet that self awareness, many times, doesn’t happen with mothers (due to difficult marriages/divorces, busy schedules, etc) and we end up passing on the same expectations to our daughters. I commend you for digging deep into who you truly feel you are, and aren’t and embracing that without letting anyone influence you in the end. That is most hard to do for us people pleasers. God bless, little love💜

I abruptly moved out in June because I couldn't take how toxic and abusive living with my mom was. I'm living with a friend now. It was an extremely good decision

1:03:26 Wait, you went to a therapist saying you think you are a robot and she wanted to "affirm" that? WTF?

you're amazing for speaking like this. thank you!

listening to your story reminded me a lot of myself and my experiences with DDNOS (Dissociative Disorder not otherwise specified) or more recently known as OSDD-1a (Otherwise Specified Dissociative Disorder) personally, the disconnection from my body/depersonalization takes the form of an eating disorder, depression, and anxiety that comes and goes depending on who's "fronting" or whoever of my inner beings is strongest. i feel as though I have barriers in my brain between several different fragmented personalities or souls but I am fully aware of everything I am doing. i am a very contradictive person and oftentimes ironic as well. maybe do some research on this? overall, I am very intrigued by your story and willing to learn more about you 🌺 I wish you the best

You have an amazing story and are very generous to share it. You are also very skillful at storytelling.

I would like to suggest that part of the difficulty you may have had could be that most people have no idea what identity is, and how then can we communicate about such an important issue? When people talk about identity they seem to talk about belonging to a tribe or a group or a category: identity is the opposite of this. If one *identifies with* something one essentially pays fealty to something external. But surely identity is *internal*. When I changed gender I was confused about how everyone else, it seemed at the time, knew that they needed to change. I did not know for sure. I had read widely and felt I knew all the arguments and had none of the answers. I don't know if I can say "like you", but I was very aware of the ideas but very unclear about the feelings: I did have feelings but could not map them to a clear meaning. So I decided I had to experiment and gave myself permission to stop or reverse if ever it seemed to feel wrong. Fortunately, for me, it didn't. I was lucky to find a community of different people changing gender who I was able to watch and observe, and I managed to avoid therapists with their loaded ideas. I now live in the opposite gender to the one my biology tried to dictate; it's not fully satisfying or successful, since, as you say for yourself, the mental image I have of who I would like to be is not possible, but for me what I have achieved is so much better than where I started. But I see it less as changing my body (though I have somewhat) as changing the attitudes of those around me, giving them the signals they need so I can feel comfortable and not feel my identity, my inner self, is being violated by their demands and expectations. But the preferred gender is not my identity, it is a tool which is necessary in a society that believes so strongly in gender: a tool which allows me to feel more nearly myself. It is this self which is my identity. Categories, nouns, adjectives, taxonomies, species, genders - these are all the map and not the territory: they are not real, but myths necessary for the rationing parts of our minds, for our linguistic selves, when it tries to conceive of the complexity of the universe. I may not be understanding you correctly, but it seems to that your perception of the world around you is subtle and does not fit with what people are saying and so you are turning to ideas not commonly used to find a space to be comfortable. Yet you say you are delusional, which I think is part of your great insight. If we agree the map is not the territory, then all ideas and concepts fail to describe reality, and yet by a slip of the mind most people end up believing in the map: I think *everyone* is delusional, but most people do not realise it. Without wishing to be contrary I'd like to suggest you are not at all transhuman but are, on the contrary, very human but aware of it with a very subtle and discriminating mind. But in that situation, surrounded by others who think differently, then perhaps relating to a concept such as transhuman may be a very eloquent myth to work with. As well as delusional, you call yourself immature, but perhaps you merely require a much more full understanding of some things than others do because you detect more shades of grey, and that will take more time. I don't know you, of course, but you strike me from your upload as being very thoughtful, intellectually creative, philosophical, tending more towards rational thought than emotion, desiring good things for other people and very altruistic in outlook as well as, perhaps being something of a sophist. These are great qualities. I would suggest looking inward at these motivations and tendencies and not outward at categories for a sense of your identity. I wish you the very best. Keep thinking and keep exploring, but I would suggest it may be safe to trust the categories and the diagnoses a bit less.

You are so interesting and delightful. I wish I lived near you and could be your therapist. It would be fun to get to know you on that level and work with the layers and support you in your self exploration and understanding.

Amazing video! Although I am different from you in some ways, I can relate to some of the things you mentioned. I am biologically male (haven't transitioned yet) and have been dealing with gender dysphoria since I was 7 and got diagnosed with autism at 11. My dysphoria is a bit different than yours since it wasn't rapid onset and I've been dealing with it for many years. I am 21 now and in college. I think the android/emotionless feeling is related to autism in some way because people on the spectrum tend to be very logical and have straightforward thinking. I also think the dating difficulties are too since I have only been in one relationship my whole life and the girl broke up with me. Im glad to see you've grown as a person and that gives me hope for my life. I think you are beautiful just the way you are! I find masculine women attractive and cool.

Your story is incredibly interesting. It's so cool to hear how you describe your thoughts/your brain. My feeling (I could be wrong) is that as a child you maybe experienced some kind of trauma (whether it be emotional, physical or due to your illness) and that led to the unspecified DID - you see yourself as an android who doesn't really "feel", but your underlying humanity shows from time to time (when you're laughing, when you're making a sassy comment, your creativity etc). Please don't get me wrong, I just try to make my mind up about how this could happen in your brain. I wish you all the best, your video was absolutely fascinating to me and I hope you are in a place you feel right.

fantastic video, I am so happy for you. xxx

Thank you for sharing your story.

❤️you're dope thanks for this video. My strong impression is that you don’t feel emotions because you’re used to shielding yourself from really feeling and expressing your emotions. That’s sounds very much like a defense mechanism to protect yourself. I have a very critical opinionated mother too and for a lot of people that makes you bottle up because you become used to your mother not being that receptive when you do express yourself (in a way that doesn't support their opinion) Not a therapist just my impression based on watching 1/3 of the video

Some years ago I was chatting to someone in a Trans club & they said that they were male & female, then I realised many are, & that can be quite normal, although not generally understood by the general public. I now think it's like having 2 computer programmes running simultaneously in one head, one being male & one being female. As I am MtF the female programme runs in default mode, it's always there, but the male side can click in under certain circumstances, & that's not a problem. I suspect FtM is a mirror image....I have talked to hundreds of Trans people & one common factor is the ability to think in both male & female modes at the same time...

I’m so glad you realized you are a simply different type of woman, not a man. I understand the android feeling as a person with anxiety. It’s a great analogy. All the best to you ❤

We all best serve others by just being ourselves. Try to set boundaries that let you be you.

Hey there... found you through Rivalmavericks channel.. I'm sorry your life was/is full of problems that seem to compound in all areas!! I know we dont know each other... but I'm glad that you dont think that you are a burden to the world!! I'm about 10 min into your video.. and have a few things to say and ask....but I'll be quiet and watch the rest of your video. Thank you for your courage!!!! You are awesome!!!

All the very best to you, bright eyes.

Ever played Detroit: Become Human? Being an android seems interesting. I love the game. I love the outfits, the LED temple thing, the communication abilities, the weird blue blood... it's all SO COOL!!! What an interesting dystopia. Ooh, and the multi-choice aspect of the game is really good for seeing the consequences of your actions. EDIT: It turns out that you do play Detroit: Become Human. I just was so excited that I commented before getting to this part of the video. Haha!

Good luck in the future and I look forward to seeing your film reviews. I have a lot to say, but no way to say it so here's a fave quote of mine from William Blake: I must create a system, or be enslaved by another man's. I will not reason and compare: my business is to create. 'Oceans of Love' from a slightly dissociative vampyre :)

You're beautiful, and a fascinating story teller.

I love your wig!!! I was and still am a tomboy however once I hit maybe 18ish I started liking to wear more feminine clothes sometimes. Not all the time, in fact I’m sitting here writing this in my comfty more masculine clothes.

This is authentic

I don’t know if you have looked into ASD in any detail but a lot of what you say is consistent with the experiences of people on the spectrum. Not feeling human, for instance. Autism is present from from birth, not caused by outside factors, and doesn’t go away. Maybe you have just learned to manage it better.

I'm STILL trying to get on disability pension. I'm in Queensland (Brisbane). My husband should be getting Carers Payment/Allowance because he helps me do basic things like buying food, showering, washing up. It's not like I CAN'T but that I feel tortured doing those things these days.

Hey! I just want to (not angrily!!) correct you on what it means to be non binary :) Non Binary people are not always androgenous - gender expression and gender identity don't have to align in the traditional sense (men CAN wear heals and be men). Being non binary is about having a gender that is not fully man or woman - or that is neither. Non binary identity does not reinforce gender norms. Being non binary just means that you're not a man or a women (or not fully one). Anyone can dress however they like - identity is a different matter 💗

I agree with not liking the "non-binary/androgynous box" because it just reinforces the gender stereotypes imposed on sexes. What you said about just letting people do what they want without it changing their being a man or a woman is precisely something I love about radical feminism: it's about removing these artifices and constraints

I want your thumb nail outfit where did you get it from?

I don’t know how your video showed up in my suggestions, but I watched it all. I have so many questions. I would love to sit and talk with you! This was both enlightening and entertaining (for lack of a better term). Genetics has fascinated me for many years. I hope you will continue to make videos of your journey to happiness whatever that looks like to you.

I had my hair dyed (only with one streak to imitate GoGo Tomago) and my crazy grandparents on my Mum's side said I was becoming worldly. Mind you, I'm Christian, and they are too but not my kind of Christian (they are/were really weird about it all), so they were saying all of this from a religious perspective. To be honest, I wasn't even satisfied with the haircut in the first place. They did a really crappy job. I'm not going back there. Humans sure are interesting, aren't they. Interesting specimens.

I feel like the not feeling your emotions might have something to do with being a Capricorn. I can definitely relate to that. I have had a hard time feeling my emotions much less even realizing I had them in the first place.

Can we talk? I'm an engineer in a neuroscience lab, and a trans woman. I'm a huge cyberpunk nerd and grew up with all of it. I'm also diagnosed autistic from the age of 5, but am regularly told now that I don't look or read like it. So much of what you've said here is super relatable, and I think we'd both learn something from a conversation. Happy to put it up for public consumption too, so we can further the discourse here. I am not an active youtuber, but am familiar with the scene here. I can provide my creds/identity offline.

I saw your face and I thought what a pretty girl then you spoke 😳 I really hope it gets softer over time

Yup. Mental health is directly influenced by gut health (the microbiome). The carnivore diet did wonders for me, it was like from night to day, but I had to modify it because of adverse reactions a few months later. Watch out for those. I find root vegetables are an acceptable source of carbohydrates for me

Our identity is not tied to our gender. If you want to be someone who likes and identifies more with masculine energy, then be a girl who likes guy stuff. And vice versa. We ahould embrace who we are wholly and learn to love ourselves unconditionally.

Thank you for sharing the details about how you experience yourself and life in general.

Good android! Thanks for helping this person

you have a really interesting story i loved hearing it

Yes! Why can't there still be tom boys? Too many little boxes too much rubbish being taken seriously. Great vid. Bella L

you're great! more vids pls

Keep going! Do you!

“Defining yourself through thought is limiting yourself.” - Eckhart Tolle

Doctors are always in awe of my Stoicism. So I recently looked it up. I think you are a natural Stoic. It's actually considered a religious (or not) way of life. 😊

Since I found you, I love listening to you ❤️. Also autistic and been on the hormone

I think you have emotions just not in the way you previously understood emotions. You’re fine. Enjoy your life!

You should meet my husband. He loves health and working out at the gym. He also goes really meta with his thinking. Existential crises is basically his identity. But he loves it! I do to.

I came across the Abigail Shrier book a few weeks ago and considered reading it. I usually post the books Im reading on my Instagram but I was like I wouldn't be able to post this book, people will get so mad 😩

Sometimes I feel so emotionless, like an android like you said, yet at times, I get too emotional and start crying and can't stop, the slightest little thing will set me off to crying. I do not understand it. I can hear of something true that has happened that is tragic and sad and it won't phase me yet ball my eyes out over something that happened in a movie.

How old are you now? Amazing speaker. Well done. So inteligent and articulate

P.S severe depression will cause chronic fatigue and depersonalization. I’m glad you’re doing good but I wonder how you would feel taking SSRIs? (Zoloft, etc.)

it's sad to hear that when faced you a person with genuine deep psychological problems that therapist are completely out of their depths. On another note all these billion of bipeds with these emotions that you have to mind not hurting. You are one interesting person . . . Android

I don't think you've understood non-binary tbh, you don't have to be androgynous to be non binary. Nor is it particularly about gender presentation.

You are a really interesting person.

This was so interesting. Thanks for sharing.

in detransitioning you are bringing another shade of colour back to womanhood. I support you and send all the love from Scotland x

I really appreciate you sharing your story. I think young women and men need to hear more of these stories before rushing into irreversible decisions or consequences.

Also I’m surprised you never mentioned the android from Ghost in the Shell. A female that is assertive and a leader. Just like you.

OMG identifying so hard with 8:51 "....and that's very much how I think about everything: I don't really have emotions. the best way to describe it is that I can't suffer emotionally, I don't know what emotional pain feels like, never have, probably never will. Doesn't mean you can't have mental issues, so you - I can suffer mentally, I can't suffer emotionally...." and 9:35 ".... So it's kind of like that, where something's going wrong with me - mentally, but I'm not getting any of those warning signs - emotionally I just feel - okay, all the time."

I like your brain. 💜

Did you write your book yet?

Whatever... you both male & female, but looks more female and so beautiful and so well spoken. Its amazing.

As a woman or man 👨you are so unique 💙✨and amazing 👏💙💖✨thank you for sharing 😊

I hope you get this because of your years of having chronic fatigue. I have Aspergers and also something called Ehler Danlos. I was looking at your hands and you looked as if they were hyperextended. It's common with Aspergers people It may be something to explore as it causes fatigue problems. It is something to consider and good luck to you. I never was transgender however I could have been pushed into it when I was a teen simply because I never fit in with any gender due to Autism.

Have you researched alexithymia?

If you are a woman and you make a certain motion, that by definition *is* feminine. Drives me crazy that ppl try to *define* make our female mannerisms, and other superficial aspects.

I grew up with a psychiatrist stepfather, surgical tech mum, & straight feminine sister who was also goth yet is a surgeon & just got a job at Soace X. I grew up identifying as male, born female, yet went by either Mike or Tom. My parents tried to lean into the questions in the mid 90s (born 1993) yet I'd run away going, "pervert!" They left it alone & allowed me to just... be. I was treated well by my peers, teased by some, yet there was no politicizing of the issue in said 2001, let's just name a year. Knowing how easily suade I once was, I would've yes, disowned family & leaned into the trans issue despite already knowing one day I could change into a boy. TV taught me so. However in 2018, around 25 when my brain fully formed it disappeared for the most part? Found it interesting in the theory of waiting until the brain forms many channels speak on now. Turns out too, if I had leaned into testosterone, I would've died unaware I had a severe predisposition I am already at 29 being treated for already. Prayers to you. Sorry I am half asleep but to anyone reading, please don't be suggestive to already vulnerable people xo

I think I'm autistic. I wish there was a way to find out. I used to dress like a boy for a year or two. I identified as a lesbian for 5 years, but ultimately I realized I was bi. I look very feminine big lips, boobs, hips. I like sundresses with boots and I like earrings, makeup. I'm loud and awkward for how "feminine" I am. Oh well. Thank you for sharing. It's really helpful when others share their stories.❤🧡💛💚💙💜

I'm female to male but I want to be a woman .... I'm 3 years on T now. Unfortunately now I have an Beard, what can I do that this left? 😭😭

Have you seen blade runner? I mean you've probably seen it but if you haven't you have to watch it! It's super good! Also I'm talking about the original 1987 one.

"girl's don't get autism" I hate this so much.

First I just wanna say that I just found your channel and I’m loving it 💖 Second, I just wanted to say something abt the non-binary part in the beginning (around 4 min). Your concept of what “non-binary” means may have changed since you posted this, but it’s something that’s really important to me and I think that this could help somebody!! I’m feminine (sometimes hyper feminine - I literally just finished epilating my legs, and that takes determination 😳), non-binary, and AFAB. People basically see me as a cis woman, and saying that makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. But, alas, that is the way things are. The idea that non-binary is inherently androgynous, a mixture of “the two genders,” or gender non-conformity (tomboys and men who wear makeup), is a limited and kind of false stereotype. In other words, a masculine woman and a feminine man don’t automatically become non-binary. You can be a cisgender woman who could literally pass as a guy (like in some of the bits that Hannah Gadsby has in Nanette) and not be non-binary. The whole point (imo) is that outward appearances don’t *inherently* define gender - gender is an inner experience. Gender isn’t a binary and it isn’t a straight line between man-woman with non-binary in between. It can be for some people, but you know, social constructs and stuff. Also, to say that “gender is non-binary” doesn’t mean that men no longer get to be men and women don’t get to be women. I see this misconception ALL THE TIME from cisgender people, and it sucks because they’re missing the point entirely. You are what you are, but gender isn’t just *men on one side* and *women on the other side* I hope that made sense.

I am glad you are okay, love.

Seems to me there are worse delusions to have. And thankfully you have a moral code.

Your video seems interesting for me because I really need help, but as non english speaker I don't understand the ambiguity of the video..

Bless you baby x x