THIS! 💯

If anyone's read the book or seen the movie, "Their eyes were watching were watching God" this explains Janie's relationship with Jody.

And even than, if they get your obedience, they are treating you like a piece of sh.t.

Thats because their goal is to keep you from loving yourself, keep your attention from you. Its all a distraction to sow a seed of evil, self doubt, low self esteem and self hate in you. So you can self destruct and end up like them. Thats all they want. To create more of themselves and steal the joy in the world.

You put it together so well.

Well my ex wife is dating someone behind my back from the Marley clan or inner circle. We recently reconnected but she keeps going to Florida in business trips and spending all this money and going to Villas in Key West and she has none of her own money! She even had back stage passes to watch Lauren Hill at the big festival in Memphis last week. Then my stepson said she went out one night by herself in Keywest but got an Uber black. When I asked who she went with she said “ me , myself and I “. The untimate gaslight . I would love for TMZ or another news outlet to investigate this relationship!! It would blow up the internet. She kept posting stories on Instagram but stopped because her stories and her photos were not lining up. She also about a month ago cleaned out her Instagram!

Correct I saw how my,NPD wife grow up our two children

Rule noted

Hey, I just saw your comment . I'm dealing with this, and it's such a contradiction to with her actions I just don't get it

@@williamcrawford8711 Yes, it’s the reason why people don’t believe our suffering. The narcissist presents a different face to the outside world. Charming, sweet, etc. At home, the beast is unleashed.

Or do for them.

they appreciate what you do but not who you are, so to me that isn't love, it's more like a farmer with a working dog.

Well said (unfortunately). 😢

Yes. Farmer with the dog.... Except I was the Dog. We were farmers. So sad.

This is one reason the love is an action or my love language is acts of service turns my stomach, because most narcs abide by these anecdotes.

Please write a book ■ we live in a world that even the 'law' makers make it possible for mother's to [k]ill their children/babies.

@@margiechismwhat?? Love dogs and all animals. Truly the best

That is the unfortunate lot many of us have been handed. And none of these people understand why I can like a cat so much. 😂😮

I sympathize...I realized at 12 yo. Only male in a house with her & little sister and more pets than humans. Now, 50 years later, I'm the only one left she has to call when she needs to be bailed out of her own avoidant decisions. I walk into her house 62 yo and to her, I'm still the 12 yo who stopped her physical abuse. And so the psycho abuse continues, because she's " The Boss ."

I love animals. They really are good for the soul. Glad u have a dog.

I can relate to your comment. My love references were very bad growing up, and that lead me to one unhealthy reltionship after the other. Long term ones and still very unhealthy behind closed doors. I knew that my family wasn't the model to follow, and still. Is like it was inevitable, almost. Community wise, and looking back, I think most families in my social circle were very abusive, so me and my peers were equaly clueless.

This was my experience and those morsels of kindness get smaller and are given less frequently as time goes on.

Exactly how I have been made to exist.😢

@@CH-fp9wt I hope you are able to find freedom! Faith helps...and prayer too. Believe in it, and somehow it will happen.🙏 ... God will send more helpers your way!

I think this is what's happened to me

Yes, definitely strong!💪🏆

Yes we are, 36 of marriage what a waste. The only thing happened with that marriage I have three beautiful girls that always my strength and inspirations in my life.

@lorettag4377 Yes! My children turned out to be decent successful people despite his craziness. Bravo you! 🤗

Narcissistic people don’t know what true unconditional love is. Or when they say I did this and that because I love you.

Oh gosh so true . Narc husband is so boring w his lack of any emotions other then sexual Ones. That’s all he has . It’s weird . Can not have deep conversations . I’m not allowed to even have a voice n he just doesn’t have the ability to talk about ANYTHING BUT HIMSELF - IF IM PRAISING HIM REASSURING HE IS SUPPER DUPPER IN BED 🤮 then he doesn’t wanna talk . Makes me not want to be his fulfill his needs thing no more .

Oh man. Sooo true! 🙏🏼

Love is also sacrificial - Narcs will never give an inch.

As deep as an evaporating drop of spittle filled with a billion microbes

You didn’t get any. That’s why you get panic attacks. Those who get love are pretty secure people.

I feel you

At the end of her life Ms Turner said that was her least favorite song. I think once she felt truly loved that song seemed cynical

​@Loretta Nericcio-Bohlman Still, I hope she knew what a great service it did to highlighting how life should be nothing like living with Ike was for her. ❤

So did I. At the time, I had no idea it was because of her.(mother)

Yup. It’s called “intermittent reinforcement “ aka “trauma bonding”.

I can relate!

Turns out they don’t give a damn but know what to say to make you feel like they might… if only you do another round of x y z

Literally this is exactly what I went through and feel 😢

Your sincere and deep feelings saved you from the monsters.

so true, you can give them whatever intimate thing fx they would like, but at the same time, they want to express the nine other thing they wishe. The list is loooong

Well said!

Exactly !!! 💯

Exactly I never felt loved...... And that's all i know ! So no contact forever ! 🙌

And if you feel unloved or feel like you don’t have a reason to be loved, then it’s not love. Love doesn’t need a reason

It really adds credence and makes you understand ‘To love each other as yourself ‘ To put yourself in the other persons place and make them feel as you would like to feel It is the essence of not only civility but the survival for the human race Religion doesn’t come into it in comparison to the importance of these great words

Wow so deep yet so simple ! So true !

Same for me! On my self love journey and I’m loving it!!

Yes exactly. I have just come out of the worst relationship ever with a narcissist and now am ready for the self love journey

Cue `•` What Is Love? (12" Mix) _by_ *Haddaway* `•` and let the algorithm sort the rest.

kzfaq.info/get/bejne/g7aeaahl38ebf6c.html

Very true.

Absolutely 💯💯💯 NOT exploiting those things. 💯💯💯

Sex addictings

Uskon todella kaikkeen, mitä voit tehdä. Jos voit MakeBelieve™️ sinulla on ystävä, jolla on puhdasta luottamusta 🌈🌊 Järjestät ympäristösi, niin ✨🪄 taikuus alkaa peittää kaiken tekemäsi. 💕 🇫🇮

I remember that stage all too well. Truly mind boggling and heartbreaking. My first thought is to get as much exercise as you can. Deep aerobic breathing will deliver oxygen to parts of your body that you need right now. Suck down as much water, put good food into your body, buy some flowers for YOU which will remind yourself who you are. You are not them and you’re not a team. That part sucks but if you take one day (or sometimes one hour) at a time you will come out so much stronger. I promise. Thinking of you through this crap. 💕

I know exactly where you are. One day you're gonna look back from your small peaceful life and be amazed you survived it. But your gratitude for life will be soaring through the clouds 🌈

Hei, toinen suomalainen 👋 Et ole yksin.. meitä on valitettavasti tosi paljon. Voimia, selviät kyllä! Irtautuminen toksisesta suhteesta on ihan helvetin vaikeaa, mutta paremmat ajat on edessä päin. ❤️

💜🥰💜

So awesome, good for you!!!! If you don't mind, what would you say were some tools or attitudes that helped you hold on to your sense of self?

@@twelfthhour (take this for what it's worth because my narc didn't care.) when I figured out that they had no follow-through on threats (punishments), and that their anger didn't affect me, I stopped caring what they thought. I stood up to one narc parent (the violent one) regarding their drunken words about my other narc parent, and laid down the law, via the phone as a kid, (I didn't know that was called a boundary.) When the world didn't end, I stood up straighter, and more often. My continued defiance put the narc in their place, and that's the basis for our struggle.

@@cyndis3942 thank you for replying! The ideas that their anger doesn't affect us and that we have the ability to put them in their place are very empowering. I'm glad you were able to figure that out early!

​@@twelfthhourThank you; here's some irony: my narc taught me that. They taught me that someone else's anger has no effect on you, it only poisons the person holding it. the message they were trying to teach was about forgiving slights and not holding onto anger. I think I learned a lot of my coping mechanisms from actually listening to my narcs and doing what they said. Narcs have no self awareness in that way.

Good you pissed in the pond. I have described my narc relationship as a room, where there is poop on the floor because of his critique, urinpond ind the othr corner because of lies, a broken window because of rage and aggression and no door because of his flirty ways.

Yes, and also, "thanks for taking my manipulations, etc."

After a 40 year marriage, I find this quite accurate. Very interesting. The spending time part is mostly eating meals together. And he definitely kept me separate from his career life that he much preferred over me.

Perfectly put, l grew up with a narcissistic mother, l can't imagine being married to one.

Lee was right! My family and ex-husband were like this. Giving "stuff" and nothing else.

@@laurabfromvt6197e too have spent 40 years with a stranger that has always finds things that he likes to do. Hunting, Fishing trips, hanging out with his buddies. Me, my opinion don’t count. He wants to stay to home on his vacation days. The only time that I get out is to go to a dr appointment or store. Anything I can do he can do it better or so he says, He tells me that he loves me before hanging up the phone and right before we go to sleep. He don’t know how to be romantic he tells me to get ready for tonight because he going to get him some. 🤮

you are right. its so sad

It is freaking sad knowing some people are also not aware that they have that disorder and that trauma can be pass to their kids.

@duromusabc. 🤝🏼👌👍👍 Exactly.

Me too. My mother never loved me either. Growing up I could never understand why she seemed to take such joy in my pain. She would actually put me in harms way so that I would get hurt, and then she would blame it on me as she smirked. I grew up convinced that there was something fundamentally wrong with me and that everything that went wrong was my fault. But when I turned 40 I made the very difficult decision to go no contact. That was 15 years ago. It was the hardest decision I ever made, but also the healthiest decision I ever made. I’m so sorry your mother hurt you. We didn’t do anything wrong.

​@@SDsearcherThat "smirk" is apparently called dupers delight all I know for sure is that my blood ran cold whenever I saw it....I am now no contact with the whole family but had not had any contact with my mother for seven years before she passed....that is when my recovery truly began...I am genuinely sorry that you suffered too and find your final sentence very moving and very healing....wish you well ....❤

​@@midnightblue3226That smirk feels sadistic to me because I'm witnessing my own mother take pleasure in my pain that she intentionally caused. My relationship with her is extremely strained. If I didn't live with her out of necessity I would go NC and never look back.

I read your comment & i am sorry that happened to you.

That is a kind sentiment. 👍

@@andrewfarrar741 thanks 👋🏻🙏✌️

This! I feel the same way. : - )

We must have married the same woman. Literally my story.

Sorry about your mum 💐

The phrase never did much good for me either because it was used to bury a lie and I always knew it. My mom used it for company, never when we were alone. She ultimately told me she wished she could have aborted me, Mind you I was born in the mid 50's and am now nearly 68 years old. My own kids were told by me how it felt to be around my mom because they never felt the love either. I did not shower them with the words myself because they knew how easy it was to say it and not mean anything great by it. They knew it took days for me to recover when I had to deal with my mom. I tell them I love them and remind them that I do really love them and they know it is real. I do not abuse the term. I save it for when we are alone and doing things together and I remind them that they are love for no reason and all reasons. I broke the deadly chain and I am proud of that. I do not talk to my siblings either because they are toxic. I have few blood relations that are worth a shit. LOL. That is also okay by me. Freedom has a price that I am glad to pay at this point.

Like dr. Ramani said, love is not needing to hear it from someone. Love is KNOWING that you are valued and important and cared for, bc they consistently show it and take an interest in you and it lights u up with such ease. So, ironically, the most loved I ever felt was by the people who said it to me the least, but showed it to me with every breath and action.

@abracadaverous How awful to have "I love you" turned into a conditioned cue that you're about to be abused. That is grotesque and I'm so sorry it happened to you. You deserved better. ❤

​@@Feribrat99 Good for you for breaking the chain! 👏👏👏 I resonated so much with your comment. "used to bury a lie" " used it for company, never when we were alone." "They knew it took days for me to recover when I had to deal with my mom." Phew! Felt that! I recently reconnected with my sibling after years apart due to me going no contact with my mother and am processing my sorrow at discovering that the big brother I always admired is a covert narc. I know intellectually I can cut him off, but if feels so painful. Thank you for the reminder of a lesson I've already learned and needed to remember: "Freedom has a price that I am glad to pay at this point." You are a lovely writer, by the way. : - ) Good wishes to you! ❤

@@butterflypooo Your comment got me in the feels, too! "Love...lights u up with such ease." Beautiful! ❤🤩

@Emilio Yepez well not the orthodox way but i was referred by a friend to a spiritual adviser and healer

@Emilio Yepez her name is *Victoria Lee Hess* ,and she is a great spiritual adviser as well as caster

you can look her name up online and you will find all you need.

Was she or you a narcissist? If so, damn you guys are strong minded because i could not endure ever again these type of chaotic minds of a Narcissist.

Guilt over leaving is a hook they use to keep you tied to their abuse.

❤

❤

She thinks she's a hero for doing the very basic expected from a mother, glad l didn't have diabetes, my mother would have gone down the munchausen route for attention and make me sicker.......glad to read other people's experiences. I hope you are doing okay. My son is Type 1, l would die if anything happened to him, these "mothers" are bizarre, my mother now blames my parenting for my sons condition, l have explained to her dumb@ss that it is autoimmune, but she prefers it her way, that bad diet caused it 🙄, because my love for my children turns her stomach, she squirms when she's me loving on them. Truly a damn demon.

Omg same!!! Even in our best moments I used to tell him the reasons why I loved him. I always told him what I loved about him: his sense of humor, his ambition, his ability to make sound decisions, the way he loves our children, etc....when I asked him what he loved about me...he said, my face. That's all I ever got from him. He liked my face, he said I was pretty. That's all he saw. Now he's finally come clean and said he doesn't love me and hasn't for the last 4 yrs.

@@berlizgonzalez6736 how long has it been since you truly loved him? The reason I ask, for me: I love him as I would a distant relative. I no longer feel like a spouse. I’m just currency to him & that will never change unless he acknowledges that he has an issue & permits God to help him change. For me the spousal love is gone; he killed it when he told me that he wished he could kill me. So, any love that he receives is the “love thy neighbor…” love.

@@mjharris5999 since I truly loved him? Probably January of this year. We are going through a divorce. He filed in January and he has shown me his true colors since then. I don't want to love him anymore. I used to have to convince myself. I don't think it's safe for you to stay with your spouse. He said he wished he could kill you which means if he could get away with it, he will. I hope you find peace and comfort in the Lord.

@@berlizgonzalez6736 oh, I have faith in God to protect me. Since people have free will, I also have the tools to exercise my 2nd amendment rights.

It’s like the “thoughts and prayers” that people say after a catastrophe, instead of actually helping the people in need. It doesn’t translate.

In a nutshell, I come from a dysfunctional and psychologically abusive relationship with my father who was a covert narcissist and had robbed me of my self-worth, I was homeless with him for a very long time during my upbringing and never had a good home life growing up. I managed to escape that and had to go great lengths to get away from him. I went to go be with my extended family that had found me on the internet, I genuinely felt that I would belong with them and I thought they felt same way, but unfortunately, I guess they didn’t. What seemed like a gift from the universe, just turned into something that only contributed to my psychological and emotional wounds, I was only with them for 3 months because of how difficult they were to live with, and how conditional their love and regard was towards me, couldn’t really be loved or accepted for just the way I am and only if I meet certain criteria, and had to constantly jump through hoops in order to be loved. It’s just really unfair to me how my upbringing pretty much got robbed by a narcissist father and is something no kid should ever have to go through, while my fully related brother got to have what they called a ‘privileged life’. Yet, some online stranger on discord said to me “why should they love you” and “who are you and why should you be loved and cared for” and even a former friend laughs at me and invalidates me saying “well they raised your brother and not you so he’s their kid and not you why do you think you deserve everything what he always gotten.” …but to me it’s just really unfair, my aunt didn’t even have any idea why I went to go be with them, even though she invited me and was like “why not come stay here?”. It has put me in a constant endless loop of rumination. I remember I stayed with a friend of mine and his family because his mom couldn’t sleep at night knowing that I was sleeping in a car in a parking lot somewhere. They treated me as equally as their 2 boys… I wanted that with my brother… every other kid gets to have a family home life, the most basic thing in the world… except for me I guess…

Absolutely! I saw it very vividly depicted in the TV show Succession when the narcissistic patriarch Logan Roy dies and his children are scrambling to cobble a collage of how/why their father loved them. Especially the most trauma-bonded of the children, Roman.

Yes! They resent you for having basic human decency and kindness. Sucks .

in the exact same boat! for me, overall, he definitely did just care about himself. totally emotionally unhinged and immature. but i also struggle with your thoughts, like did ANY of it EVER mean anything? did they EVER do ANYTHING out of pure unconditional love? or was there ALWAYS an ulterior motive, always a veiled lie behind everything? did they ever truly love you, get butterflies around you, dream about your future and kids... like you did for them? i don't know. i struggle writing it all off, but the more i think about it, it really was just a trauma bond/intermittent reinforcement keeping me around. it really is such a mental fatigue... but i try not to ruminate too much. or else i start spiraling searching for these answers, and truly, we will never understand the true intention behind every narc's every action. however, i will say, my narc ex knew ALL the right things to say to me, all the right things to reinforce and reassure me (ie. the supposed "good times"), all the while throwing me off his trail and gaslighting me. i think even when they think they are doing a good thing (like performing "love" in some way), it always must ultimately serve them in some way. rare to see them sacrifice anything. sorry for the rant lol - wishing you tons and tons of healing and love

I know one thing, you can't please them. And they are always right no matter what. And he's got soooo much common sense, so he thinks. Like I said he's never wrong. His own mother says he's a mr. Know it all!!!

❤

I admire your strength ❤

It´s sad for you to know, what pattern she lives and mirrors, but, as you describe it is somewhat good to know, too, because you better understand now. You have got a frame to but the nastiness in, and now better know, as you say, how to manage cruelty, without personalizing it. Using DEEP instead.

Same

Yes to all of this! One of the "kindest" things my mother ever did for me was write to me after my father died saying I could contact her if I needed to, but that she was happy with our relationship the way it was. We hadn't seen each other or spoken in decades. : - ( It was *devastating* at the time, but in retrospect freeing. It made clear what you said: "[it's} about them, their capabilities & their actions... it isn't a reflection on me or my worth." Good wishes to you!

Congrats on breaking free! The self-pity meltdowns sound almost like Borderline, which is also exhausting. No wonder you feel lighter! 👏👏👏 It took me a while to realize that my values of compassion and acceptance are not the same as letting myself be used (*I* deserve kindness too!). We are not on this planet to be emotional support animals for grown adults who refuse to take responsibility for their own healing!

Congratulations!!

❤

I like what relationship coach Matthew Hussey says. Our love for them is *irrelevant* to deciding whether to stay or go. If the relationship makes us feel bad, it's wrong for us. That helps me a lot.

Same

This sounds like textbook Childhood Emotional Neglect---a concept that was so freeing for me! Good for you for breaking that legacy with your daughter! 👏👏👏

Thank You for this, your comment helped me to better make since out of a long gone relationship that still haunts me.

@lovelylinda8891 most welcome. Nice to meet you Linda. 😊 God bless!

Had a daughter like this. No gift I ever gave her was okay. Always something wrong with it. Every gift I gave my grandchildren was a problem for some reason. And every gift she gave me had a sting in it -- kitchen items when I don't like to cook, a necklace I'd wanted but as I unwrapped it she told me how much obtaining it had ruined her week and how inconsiderate I was to have asked for such a "difficult" gift, shirts in styles I don't look good in and don't wear, books that were to "improve" something about me -- frequently my appearance -- rather than being for enjoyment, expensive gifts to replace items I already had and liked and didn't want to replace with different ones. Gift-giving with her became a barb-laden ordeal by the time she was nine. Nothing was ever good enough for her and no matter how much time, effort and attention I put into pleasing her, it never did. She never gave me a gift because she wanted me to be happy. It was always to make a point. Sucked what little fun her father had left in holidays right out of them. Then she haranged me for being stressed and worried. She did the same thing to her siblings. Our being happy seemed to enrage her. Poisonous.

Exactly this. They love what you do for them and how you make them feel, but that's not the same as loving YOU. Even they may not know the difference, which can trick you if you can detect the sincerity in the voice when they say it. Bottom line, it doesn't matter if we love someone, or they think they love us, if the relationship doesn't feel right, that's reason enough to go.

❤