the more i analyze love and dating in this day and age, i have decided to aim for becoming a hermit and live in the woods alone for the rest of my life.

When anxious attachers turn into avoidants BECAUSE of being traumatized by an avoidant. ..

I got tired of the 'no contact' crap everytime he couldn't sit there and discuss issues like an adult, but ran away like a child with his hands over his ears! I flipped the script and returned 'no contact'....forever!

Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.

It's funny because I have dated two avoidant guys and both of them swore they thought of themselves as being blunt and direct but ultimately they were big avoidants!

My avoidant ex said all his exes were anxious…. Now I think we all got our anxiety exacerbated because of him

I really pray he gets the help he needs. I really loved him.

the avoidance is what hurts the most and especially when they said "they cared so much about you" its straight evil they are basically saying f*ck my emotions - ok f*ck yours too - I am avoiding them now FOREVER. I definitely don't want an "avoidant" ever again!!

He won't find another one like me 💖

4 years…One day “I can’t believe that I have you, I always wonder if this isn’t just a really good dream” the next day “I think this relationship has run its course.”

I don't do "no contact". Doesn't work anyway. I give my 100% and more to make a relationship work. And if thats still not working, its "be done" phase. No looking back. Hence be done and congratulate your avoidant ex because he finally fulfilled his destiny to avoid you and your love.

As a former avoidant this is so accurate. At first when you break up you actually feel a relief. For a long period of time there is no emotion about it at all, there’s a sense of getting yourself back. Then at some point you’ll start thinking about the ex again and remembering the good times. Next stage you’ll have some kind of trigger where the emotion of the breakup with hit you harder, then you get very nostalgic about it and start to yearn for the relationship again and beat yourself up for how you acted. It’s actually a horrible way to live your life and can end up in a really dark place.

I think a lot of people who are labelled an “anxious attacher” actually aren’t always that way before dating a dismissive avoidant. I mean - most people want to feel love from someone they care about right? I think there’s a difference between someone who is in a stable relationship but constantly needs attention, and someone who is normally quite independent but is asking for basically the bare minimum from their avoidant partner, which in turn is making them anxious about their partners devotion to them.

I’m a secure attachment style and dated an avoidant! He brought out the anxious in me and I had to let go!

avoidants can turn secure people anxious, even avoidant, themselves. never again. i will just walk away next time the first few red flags appear. wasted so much time, effort, money and love on her. i lost everything. what a fool i was.

Venting… An avoidant’s cold shoulder is vicious and heartless. I don’t care about the thought process in their head anymore…it’s just cruel. My ex did this to me 2x. First time was when we were 20-21 years old around Christmas. Appeared and reappeared over text/calls for the next 11 years, then i let him back in, finally. We WERE in a second relationship for 6.5 years this second time around, and I was a fool. A few weeks ago he went ice cold when I brought up commitment (building a future together) and suddenly he just stopped caring/loving, became an asshole, then ghosted me. So strange and cruel and hurtful. Feels like he never cared at all. And I’m pretty sure he’s seeing someone new without giving me proper closure. WHO DOES THIS SHIT? Avoidants, I guess. Had I known anything about avoidant attachment styles 6.5 years ago, I would not have engaged in a second serious relationship with him. He future faked the whole time making me think he wanted a real partnership and build a home together, forever. What a lie. I never even met a single family member of his. Never visited his home. Didn’t meet his friends. I felt like something must be deeply wrong with me and I just couldn’t see it-even though my other 2 serious relationships proudly let me into their life and family and homes, he let me believe it was me. I can’t wait for the day i no longer have any feelings for him. In the meantime, these videos help me make sense of things and stop the uncontrollable sobs. 💔 /vent

They always tried coming back at least 3/4 times. Now, I avoid the avoidants 😅

avoidants get no second chance with me - your hurt me once ur done BYE

I’ve come to the conclusion that I will no longer waste time trying to understand someone that gave up on the relationship. Any moments of clarity or enlightenment that I have will only be for my benefit, and the benefit of my future relationships regardless of the dynamic, there’s no point in holding a grudge or bitterness but humanizing someone’s cruelty serves no purpose. Those that genuinely want to be in your life or have remorse for their actions will make the effort, it’s a hard lesson to learn sometimes but preserve your dignity and move on. Focus on yourself, that project or hobby you’ve been putting off and take some time to grieve and do some introspection then save your best for the next person who actually deserves it.

this is crazy accurate 😭 Avoidant ex went on 2 international trips within 6 months after our break-up, and we did not take ONE during our 5 years...

Dont care not my monkey not my forest, let them sort their issues

Blocking her on all social media was hard but it also gave me huge relief. No more endless hoping she would reach out. No more feeling weird when she can see my "online" status. It helped.

Unless they put effort on healing, its a doomed and useless cycle to go through everytime. Heal yourself and dont give them any chance back, because they always want to come back.

Thank you for making this video. I have been toiling with confusion, and on the brink of deep depression, due to being blindsided by an avoidant. Your video gave me the tools to come to the conclusion that I need to make the conscious decision to not allow my self-esteem and sense of self-worth to be impacted by the avoidant person's rollercoaster ride. I realize that their issues are just that...their own issues. It did not originate with me - because I was perfectly fine with myself before I subconsciously (or unconsciously) gave away my power and emotional autonomy to another person. I'm getting off the rollercoaster ride, and I'm going to focus on loving myself and taking better care of myself.

Was losing interest until you brought up journaling. This was a suggestion to me some time ago, and now I'm addicted to writing hundreds of words every morning on a daily basis. It's is extremely effective in unknotting thoughts and extracting wisdom. It has occurred to me that many accomplished intellectuals likely have a daily journaling habit. I feel that it will perpetually lead to an upgraded life.

You forget that some of their "Creature comforts" are all the other "love interests" and superficial connections that they have cultivated even WHILE u were still in a "relationship" to fall back to when they break up with you. Happened with me. As soon as I ended the relatonship after realising it was draining me, and that he was already talking to smb else, he started dating that exact other girl. )))

What happens when you go no contact with an avoidant attachment type? They experience ‘separation elation’. They are probably relieved. Because of their early unaddressed emotional wounds they feel easily overwhelmed when relationships get close. They feel guilty. You going no contact will probably be a relief. Will they feel said? Unless they also have a personality disorder like narcissism or anti social personality for example, they will feel sad and guilty about the relationship not working out. They may with the distance of time come to idealise the relationship you had with them and compare future relationships to the one they had with you regretting that they let you get away. But if you were to come back together your relationship will be the same as before unless they choose to work on their issues and you as their partner work with them on the relationship recognising your own attachment issues and what you bring to the table . Begin with asking yourself, why was I attracted to someone who is emotionally unavailable or distant ? Why would I want to be with someone like that? Or maybe you are securely attached.

That's why it's said that men come back to late when the woman has already moved on or healed.

After two years (we were long distance so only saw each other every few months), things felt like they were starting to move into a much more open and intimate connection so I asked for a commitment and he told me he loves me, is intensely attracted to me, loves the way I make him feel but that he doesn’t have feelings deep enough to take it to the next level. He said he wants to stay friends and I had to tell him I can’t do that. I’m on Day 8 of no contact and it’s hard but this was very comforting. Thank you.

My avoidant ex broke up with me for the third time last week just when we were planning to live together. And my stupid anxious ass still loves him and wants him back.

i’m so very thankful for the expansion upon attachment theory content. this video in particular is so healing to hear, and be able to relate to without feeling like a monster

this is an excellent well explained video. As you have said you're an anxious attachment individual however there are some of us who are secure and are just as confused by a DA' s behavior.

I am so pissed at people who know what they are but choose to do nothing about it. I’ve spent 3,5 years in therapy and managed to overcome my mostly avoidant attachment style to give that security to my friends and family and romantic connections. I was in such a great place mentally before I met my ex. And over the last 2,5 years he sucked joy and love out of me to then cheat on me with another woman and say he never made any commitments. He even dared to demand to cater to his needs (and he wants full-time care, attention, prioritisation, for me to be there for him whenever he needs to connect or get support) while having zero security and safety in this relationship. I cannot wait to start healing and to never experience that again

Outstanding. So well articulated,thank you

This was really comprehensive. You covered it all in great detail, thank you for your work.

This is so spot on it blows my mind

Thank you , this video was super helpful. Went through a situation and seeing this is helping understand but still hurts very much. I have an anxious attachment. The more I sought clarity the further the person pulled away.

Thank you! This was so insightful. I, an anxious, got back together with my DA bf exactly 1 year ago. We were together for 3y before my bf “suddenly” broke up with me. Really turbulent on again off again for the first 2m and then no contact for 4-5m after that. Caught him right at the nostalgia stage ig and now we’re better than ever. Had no idea about attachment styles until recently. Learned a lot about them unknowingly while getting to know my bf. But It’s been quite the battle unpacking the break up. 1st was understanding how he could suddenly end it with out confiding with me and tried to fix it together. I could’ve adjusted if his needs weren’t being met Etc. I realized his suppressing nature and was soon able to get over it. But One of the lingering feelings Ive had even a year later is regarding how he could “move on” and “forget about me” even though I knew (and now confirmed) that he still cared. Ur “move on phase” explanation got me closer to coming to terms with this one so thank you!

Thanks. I hope you all get better. I was with a manipulative avoidant, abs it was very painful. I'm glad you're talking about this.

😮there is absolutely NO original experience in the WORLD!!! Just spells out my life RIGHT in front of me & doesn’t even know me!!! This was very well expressed & beautifully put together! Thank you for that!!! 😊😊😊

They are damaged people and difficult to understand. I am damaged myself.

Great video thank you for helping people with their trauma.

Love your voice! It's very soothing. Just found this channel, very grateful. Fearful avoidant here, after my latest break up, and this is really helpful!

Forgot to mention the immediate rebound

Thank you for this, lightbulb moment in my head about what's going on !

You’ve explained this better than anybody else I’ve listened to. I also really like your calm demeanor, which is comforting for such a hurtful topic (I used to be very anxious, but I’m working on it). This is very painful, but I guess you can say that now I’m rationalizing his point of view. I used to be angry, but now I feel sympathetic towards him. 🙏🏾 I hope that he heals, too. This is what we call the twin flame journey in spirituality. Lastly, it’s very helpful that you are both anxious and avoidant because you understand both.

Space out the emotions to deal with....yup that makes sense. I am an "anxious" or at least veer towards that, and i like to get everything out in the open and deal with it all!!!!.My ex left me 5 times in 3 and a half years!!! Finally left me (after just hours before telling me i was their future!!), four days after my Dad got a cancer diagnosis. My Dad died 2 weeks later, and *still* my ex maintained no contact!!!!! It is so rude and self-centred. I know there's tons of reasons behind it, but it's truly horrendous, and leaves those of us left behind, feeling like death/dying. 😢😢😢

Amazing video. Just what I needed. Thank you so much!

What an excellent video! I also want to point out your awesome guitars in the background. 😮!

Great video Charlie.

All I wanted from him was a genuine apology 😪

Really appreciate this, thank you

Oh wow!!! Thank you its very very helpful!!!

I was 6 years out with no contact when they reached out. It was such an emotional roller-coaster trying to decide if I even wanted this person in my life. They were asking for us to be friends. All we ever had b/f was a situationship, and we're both now married (to someone else). I've been doing my work, and it was apparent that they had not. For a moment, I thought they were on the narcissism spectrum with the discard, idealization, love bomb, etc. phases, but this video gave me a lot of aha's. I was sad to have to release them again, because although I'm happily married, I care about their well-being. But the hot and cold, mixed signals were making me anxious. I was unable to trust their intentions. I changed my number and have been no contact (again) for over a year. It hurts sometimes, but it feels good to have chosen myself over another toxic cycle. I've taken time to grieve this time around and realized that I too was/am an avoidant, and I was going through these phases you described in this video, which also contributed to the breakdown and the nostalgia for them while being married to someoneelse. Mind blown!! I still have work to do.❤️

Thank you. This helps me understand what happened between my DA person and me FA. I am the one that separated us after feeling them pull away. That was a year and a half ago. We are now on good terms and talking about what happened. It's a relief to us both that there is no need to demonize one another.

Thanks for the video, this helps me understand my situation so much.

SO good! Thank you for the awesome insights. Easier to understand my ex now. ✨✨✨ Healing for both of us. Everyone has things to work on. I want to support him and we’ve had a good “conscious uncoupling” process.

This is incredible. This is seriously happening

Thanks for the video! Much appreciated

How about detaching to an appropriate emotional state and come to the conclusion that you are ok and not to personalize the others behavior? Just love like a Stoic. Love but in a witnessing way. Once you know how to be your own best friend and really love yourself you have the room to allow avoidants or any other type of attacher to just be. Know whats realistic for any relationship and manage your own expectations. Understand your own boundary needs.

Thank you so much for making this video. I have an anxious attachment style but I am working on healing from all this and am in therapy. I recently was in a relationship with someone who I just realized has avoidant attachment style which explains his behavior. We are in the no contact phase. If he does come back again like he has the other times I will tell him that he has to go to therapy and heal from his trauma that is causing his avoidant attachment before we can be together again.

You are good man! Keep it up!

I just hope one day he can open his heart up to someone and truly experience the love they have to give. I hope he learns from our experience and doesnt measure everything with the yardstick of past failed relationships and gives love a chance. I hope he realizes that someone caring for him and loving him is not "moving too fast" and I hope the next time he does not get cold feet when someone brings up committment because getting to experience love with someone is beautiful. I hope he doesn't give up on something that could potentially be so beautiful even before giving it a chance. I'll heal with time. But hopefully, I would also be able to treat this as a learning experience :)

Great video

I think The Killers "When You Were Young," pretty much captures the avoidant's facade.

Thank you for this 🙏🏼

Very well explained

There are definitely variables that'll affect this. How avoidant they are and if they broke up with you or vice versa. I'm FA, and my husband is DA. I broke up with him two times during the first two years. He tried to accept it but came back. Agreed to therapy, etc. Which helped us both. We're doing better than I believed we could. When an avoidant ex broke up with me, though, he moved out while I was at work. He'd reach out randomly after but never wanted the relationship again.

Very good video I’m in no contact right now with my ex avoidant girlfriend. We were together for 10 years. She broke up with me suddenly 4 months ago. She’s 46 and running around town with all sorts of guys loving being single I guess. I pleaded with her for the first four months, but I’ve had it.

I was your 1,000th like you the man 👍

Wow. On point 👌🏻 💯 accurate

thank you for this video❤

Now at the other end of our relationship and feeling 'tossed' away and the pain being exacerbated by no care behaviour / no contact. I'm glad this video found me as I am trying so hard to be strong, accepting no contact. My aim is to genuinely hope his future is bright and to know mine is. He has done me a favour with his no contact. The 'deceit' that went beforehand and settling himself up for when he was ready to move on is harder to accept. Also the knowledge that he will share a narrative to his people that will put me solely to blame. Yet my reactive behaviours were triggered by instincts that I now know we're spot on. I feel both sad and angry that adult conversations would have avoided the issues even developing. I feel cheated out of a future that had so much potential by behaviours we both developed from abuse or neglect by others in our past.

Honestly, no one needs to understand an avoidant or an anxious type. If they don't heal their shit, they are not part of my life. Their loss, actually, end of story. This mi mi mi...I don't know why, how and bla bla bla...I cannot listen to this anymore. Get over yourself and grow up! You are wasting not just the lifes of everyone around you but your own particularily.

Charlie I appreciate you explaining this; I'm also an anxious-avoidant. My childhood plays a heavy influence in being an avoidant, I couldn't feel my feels and if I showed emotion that showed weakness.

Thanks for your perspective on this matter. Would love to hear your thoughts around whether avoidants keep their ex-partners as “options” in case their future relationships don’t work out the way the intended and they keep their partners as friends to act as “safety nets”?

So much trauma. Nobody deserves this and they didn't deserve what hairbrush that made them like that. Makes me wish I was in Heaven with my sister. No drama or messy relationships there.

I think this was interesting perspective in looking at how the other may be doing. I’m a moving on type of person. I don’t think life should be wasted in that. Life is to short.

Thank you so much for your transparency. I want to Love my Avoidant this will greatly help me understand him❤ will you please do a video on Avodiant VS Narcissism?

I’m dating an avoidant but I have to say I am not an attacher. I have warned time and time again the negative distant behaviors with my DA and I have to say our relationship has been pretty amazing - he’s on vacation and the breadcrumbing texts and no calls has allowed me to know my worth and just go no contact. So this is going to probably make his head spin and the only way he will see the reality of this situation is when we are suppose to connect when he comes back. Telling him to his face that he can go kick rocks will be difficult but necessary. I’m so over these behaviors and being tough as nails makes it easy for this door to close.

Damn, this genuinely made me have a bit of a panic response because it really describes my ex and I's breakup well, but it's a much needed realization!! I'm an anxious attachment type person, and he was avoidant. Thank you for talking about this, I think it's definitely given me an insight into a person I do still care deeply about and love, but felt hurt and blindsided when he initiated the breakup. I still haven't moved on entirely, it's been three weeks as of tomorrow... But each day I understand more why he did it, and why it was what was best! As much as it hurts, if he isn't choosing me right now, he can't be The One. All I can do is keep on keeping on until either we become friends again, grow apart entirely, or MAYBE rekindle something... But I will try my best to heal in the meantime ❤

This is so incredibly accurate and exactly what I'm going through at the moment. But the question is this: can an avoidant and an anxious attachment type ever be happy in a relationship?

Wow...hit me like a brick. I'm an avoidant. Brought up that children are seen but not heard. Spent 28 years with a narcissist and after a breakdown decided to leave everything...him, kids, house, pets....the lot. History repeats and I've left my partner of 15 years. We never lived together so easy to just avoid, block, denial. And I went through the phases. Still going g through it. I've joined clubs, groups, tried online dating...disastrous!! And I spend a lot of time with my pet rats. It's really hard...I have reached out to him again because I love him. But I know it won't work and just makes him feel crappy. 😢

Insightful

Spot on!! Best explanation yet! So True....he doesn't seem to want to change....he thinks/believes ....that is who he is... Denial of healing himself!! Yes when ever he got scared... he would run back to an ex/friend/Denial/Dismiss ME!!....he knew this killed me....yet this continued....then, as u said....circle back to me!! EXCRUCIATING!!! ive stopped replying to any contact....but seems no problem for him😢 I cant do it anymore...as much as i may want to & want him....yes ive lost myself😢 AP

If I'd known this at the start of our relationship it would have helped me make sense of some of his behaviours that caused a lot of issues as I then interpreted them as something else.

sick guitars bro

I am grateful there is all this knowledge out there. I think I had a phase in my life when I was an avoidant because I had two completely different parental figures. My mom was the anxious type and my dad the avoidant. In the relationship we just terminated (she first brought it up in November but then I did the typical anxious thing that obviously I didn't know then was an anxious thing to do: kill myself to get them back willing to change everything to meet their needs. Eventually realized I was slowly killing myself mentally and physically so we ended things on good terms.)I was definitely the anxious one and for me it is progress because it means I decided to finally open my heart. I know I still have to work on some insecurities and traumas, from childhood and previous relationships to become more secure but I know I am on the right path now. Also, I feel compassion for the avoidant thanks to all the knowledge I have found. At least, this person I just broke up with. It's as if I can differentiate the person she truly is when she opens her heart because at first she did and I have seen all the beauty she can give to deactivate herself to protect herself from unaddressed traumas. I will just make sure I never jeopardize my emotional and mental health to keep someone in my life who doesn't seem to be willing to work on their issues. Also thanks for the no contact journal, we had a "closure" yesterday with this person so I am sure it is gonna help working through my own closure. Thanks Charlie! All the love. All the power.

Glad I'm not the only one going through this. Thanks for the comments

I’m still living with an avoidant and he’s with someone else now. This is truly difficult and I’m glad we are parting ways in a few months

Avoidants are weak. All my exes who have been avoidant admit their weakness to face tough things. Anxious avoidant are some of the toughest human beings to exist.

It takes me a while to fully detach, but when I do, it’s a done deal. Im tired of putting my compromising my self respect for someone who doesn’t even respect me. I’ve been so supportive of him and gave him all the love I had to give. He's done several things that are considered deal breakers for me like calling me out of my name, hanging up on me, screaming at me, and his immature ways. He never holds himself accountable and blames other people for his actions by saying it is just a reaction from what I did. I think he’s a narcissist that has serious mental issues and I’m not dealing with it anymore. It’s time to move on and find the love and respect that I deserve ❤️ we all deserve that and I hope everyone in the comments finds that.

I always wonder why we are so hard on each other as people? We know we say things when we’re mad and we know we all feel pain, but we mask it thinking there’s something better or judge others by what we ourselves have been in same position.

Dating a BPD, she is an avoidant, it is complete destruction. No contact works well. I am no longer receiving her punishment, I dish it out now.

Cool guitars

Oh my god, I am an avoidant and never realised it. I seek out creature comforts in journaling or being with my friends, partying, seeking out hobbies, and never actively understood that I take time to process my emotions. Especially after being in relationships with anxious people and some with avoidant tendencies it can become a bit of a blurr... I came here for advice on a potential other person leaning avoidant, but the more I learn about it, the more I feel as if it is me and this other person as well O_O I was always under the impression that you would not be avoidant if you can reflect and be self aware but now I see that that is definitely the case 😤

Thank you Charlie for this video. I’m going through a really hard time with my ex who started cheating on me when my grandmother was in the hospital and ultimately died. He slept with another woman the day she died actually and I had no idea. Then two months after this, he just disappeared. I moved to a new city to be closer to my grandmother and that is where he met the other woman, who was in a committed relationship herself. I tried for months to reach out to him but he was not returning my calls or giving me the time of day (this was me thinking we were still together) until the other woman called me and told me the truth. Now I feel like the loser because I had no idea, I really trusted him and now he’s off having fun with someone new and I have egg on my face. The pain is truly unbearable and I hope one day I will be able to breathe again and face the world. I am so embarrassed and humiliated that I have buried myself into work and not interacting with anyone. However, I wish the best for him and I hope one day I can smile again and maybe try dating again in the future.

How does no contact work with my social media. If I am not commenting on an avoidants page or visiting it, and they can see my social media pages with photos of me etc, does that make them not deactivate? I accidentally liked one of his posts once as I wasn't thinking when scrolling or realizing but that's it. no contact otherwise. didn't really out and haven't. was thinking he might deescalate some so we could have a real conversation but it's been about 7 weeks.

I miss you love so much

I’m currently in NC. My guy monkey branched to his ex. We had a months relationship. He never mentioned any issues, or an ex. I was really hurt, as I believed him when he stated work/stress after distancing. He was reluctant to tell me, but I caught him with her. I felt something was off but I trusted him. I think he may have been triggered (asked him whether we were on the same page - his response was yes) I think his distancing followed shortly afterwards. We had a good relationship and connection. No drama and made plans to travel. Is this likely to be a ‘phantom ex’/self-sabotage or genuine feelings for her? I’m FA/DA and believe he’s DA. I’m healing, learning and in therapy to grow and address patterns