Happy you had this discovery :)

I don't know what my attachment style is but this comment really resonates with me... I have gotten over the idea that my partner should remind my mind, I always make a point to try to calmly communicate my feelings... Not sure if I am a dismissive avoidant although

Could it be that he was just trying to say how he feels and just wanted to be heard? But he is a poor communicator? Sorry… was just wondering from another pov. 😅

I would like to hire a healing DA help in translation services to help me be a better AP

@@nitacollins3645 I am a healing DA. What kind of translation? Let me know.

@@FM-zg5hz My DA I broke his boundary of privacy when he send me a really mean text that I posted on facebook. he called this "betrayal". this was after brain fog so bad he told me my mind was F***g gone and I was nonfunctioning. that my mental health record many yrs old said I couldnt be in a relationship. He was shifting between wearing headphones all week or fault finding but had said my standards were too high and he was scared of everything.. also that I was his favorite. Out of-state when my mom died,I gave a couples therapy ultimatum on the phone.. He said I'm the one who needed it and called this Abandonment and told me to move on, but .. after a yr and a half he sent friendly texts, songs a poem,Art , his new tattoo and texting over 2 yrs with long gaps of silence.. I said I'd return to apologize. He said again to move on and that he's ok but, I won't find him.He can't take my swings. Was he stringing me along to hurt him or triggered by the idea of me coming back? swings... is that my inconsistent texting? or emotional content?

i think they do see it but, dont feel the motivations or feelings of others. so they may see those tears as manipulation.Also alexythimia makes it hard to express what you feel.

@@nitacollins3645 when I show deep emotions I'm accused of being histrionic.

@@TheAdventuresOfCollegeGiRL what people perceive in others is often more about them

They don't care

SPOT ON!!!!

@@idlybye5002 Yep. I know mine certainly has. but i wish he validated me when I Do the right/healthy thing. definitely would be more encouraged to KEEP doing the right/healthy thing!

I agree, it's soo much fear and anxiety i volved in trying to make things work that I don't think I will be able to open up emotionally ever again. I have extreme fear of being rejected again after two huge heartbreaks... I don't think I still have any love or feelings left in me

​@@andziagreen4922gosh I feel that. Even the idea of love. I just want to be over this guy ASAP

Yes ! This is so accurate and concise ! Perfect way to sum it up

I'm sad for them. Imagine living in a constant state of paranoia without realizing it. You'll want peace and quiet if you are always stressed internally, and you'll be trying to control everything around you if everyone and everything feels unsafe to you.

Exactly!!! That’s exactly how they are.

AP'S?

It's safer and less vulnerable for DAs to keep things casual, but keeping things casual will never lead to deep romantic connections. They're an odd bunch.

@@motjon oh i kmow and thats why it had to end for me. At 47 years old soon, i can no longer do casual.

Thanks for the suggestion :)

Nice suggestion... appreciate the request.Even me want to see,how do I deal with difficult people and situations?🌸🌼🌸

5 - Perfection They’ll draw attention to minor flaws and overlook all of the support you give them.

I hate this! So true. What do we do? My heart breaks at the thought of walking away. I love him soo much. And even when we part for years, I still feel for him. And then we go into a new cycle of closeness, only to inevitably fall apart, and then we do it all over again. Aargh!!!

​@@Esme26433 the cycle continues

@@Esme26433 / been there, done that

I really liked certain qualities of my DA sweetheart, but combined with my own DA qualities, it was like existing in a vacuum

This is me (AP) and my partner (DA/FA) and it makes me feel like I'm unworthy of his care, love and attention. It's so lonely. In those moments when I need my person to show up, oftentimes, he's too busy or can't or says, "that sounds like a YP (you problem). And, it's usually the same for him- he often doesn't allow me to help. He did call me and ask if I would keep him company during a time he received bad news. I was pleasantly SHOCKED! But, I wonder if I were bleeding on the side of the road would he be there?.... IDK : (

Hi Brandon, As a recovering FA myself and being now quite familiar with Thais's work, I sense that your partner fear might steam from the core wounds "I am bad" (regarding negative emotions) and "I am not good enough" (for the positive ones). I could be wrong but it would make sense because If your partner thinks he makes you feel let's say sad or angry, that could trigger on him the feeling that he's a bad person for doing so. Similarly, if he makes you feel happy, that could make him suspicious about his own worthiness as a partner. FA's tend to be perfectionists and often don't believe in their own abilities and what they are capable of. I'd be thrilled to read Thais's response but in the meantime I hope this helps. All the best!

💯 Relate so much to this!

Actually this is perfect

@@Herewegolins what about this is perfect?

id say it depends if they wanna work om themselves or not.

That's really mean avoidants have feelings too please heal

@SomeGuy-gi2ip This is very hurtful to read. I'm AP partnered with a DA leaning FA. It's been no picnic but, he's a beautiful human with painful wounds and flaws from childhood traumas just like most of us. The typical DA behaviors are not excusable but we all deserve LOVE, grace and empathy. We cannot heal outside of relationships and connection.

@@TheAdventuresOfCollegeGiRL I am over replyingto statements like "Stay away from dismissive avoidance." I tell people right away I am DA. dont like it? dont deal with me. LOL I have invested too much energy into APs (negative ROI) that basically I do not want to deal with them. FAs I can deal with SA i can handle DAs (debateable)

Consistency, communication, healthy reassurance and a partner that will encourage the AP to love themselves and learn to self soothe.

Go to her page and look through the video library. There are several daily breakthroughs you describe

I love guinea pigs more, they are more quiet and undemanding. ;)

@@banshee3749 / lol

Mine was married for 23 years! They basically had no emotional intimacy, and he was largely absent and unsupportive and did his own thing. He says he had no idea how unhappy his wife was, yet he had an affair (only one I know of, but she’s the one who confronted him about it).

They are quite averse to change and prone to staying in relationships from a comfort standpoint . Its the comfort that makes them stay. My ex DA was with his ex baby mama for 18 years , unmarried with two kids, sje cheated on him all the time and he stayed for a long time before walking away, and he only did so because she got pregnant with the guy she was cheating on him with.

My parents are DAs and my brother and sister in law are DA. So these are a DA + DA marriage. In both of these cases, they have partners that have zero need or expectation for closeness or real support. Little to no affection. No drama, no conflict, but no real intimacy. My sister in law (AP) is married to a DA. They are religious and can't divorce. My brother in law does his best but is EXTREMELY withdrawn. My AP sister in law has, in turn, become extremely enmeshed with her 3 children who are all adults now and who are all, unsurprisingly, extremely avoidant. Marriage is low conflict, but unsatisfying for my sister in law, and my brother in law seems very unhappy too, but that could be some low level depression in the mix too as he had to give up his career ambitions to be with my sister in law and work a crappy job he hates. A close friend, strong DA, is married to an AP woman with deep self-esteem wounds. Also religious so can't divorce. Very unhappy marriage from the woman's standpoint. Loveless, he's highly critical of her. She's super enmeshed with her 2 children, especially her daughter. She starts panicking thinking about her daughter moving out of the house, always saying she has to live in the basement when she grows up because she can't stand the thought of her leaving.

@@mc2273CFU, wow, that’s enlightening. I think my DA ex stayed in his marriage for so long because they were religious and his wife I think just submitted to him and didn’t challenge him. So they probably didn’t have a lot of conflict, but they also had very little emotional intimacy. She, however, built up a lot of resentment over the years because of his detachment and lack of support with the kids, etc. After he had the affair that she confronted him about, she started to challenge him and didn’t just submit to him. That obviously caused a lot more conflict, and then he couldn’t just continue in his oblivious and comfortably detached state. I would say his wife was maybe more anxious and a little controlling. But I also empathize with her now, because I experienced my ex’s lack of emotional engagement and support. He didn’t actually take responsibility for his failed marriage and didn’t actually process it and heal from it. He was extremely emotionally unavailable in our relationship, and I supported him in so many ways, but he didn’t reciprocate that support much when I needed it. He would find fault to deactivate and distance himself and didn’t want to be uncomfortable and have hard conversations or work through conflict. He just wanted it to be easy and not require much of him. I, however, wanted to communicate and grow and work through things. He ended up breaking up on the phone after 1.5 years and wouldn’t even talk about it. He was in a new relationship within two months. Three months after we broke up, his oldest son was tragically killed. Four months after that, he got engaged. He just wants to feel good and not work on anything or actually process any of his emotions. How can he possibly be in an emotional state to be engaged? He’s just running from his pain and distracting himself. His two younger kids at home will be traumatized because of all of this, and he’s not considering them at all. His fiancé has a very demanding career and not a lot of family ties, so maybe he thinks he’ll have a lot of freedom and it won’t require much of him. Either way, I think this relationship will be toxic and unhealthy.

@@asmallbitchybanana, I think as long as they can do what they want and little is required of them, they can probably stay.

It's better to become secure and going for secure attachment styles.

Did you know that you can slow down or speed up the video? Look at the setting button and you’ll find playback speed and you can adjust it! You’re welcome!

I get you, but you have to hold up those same standards to yourself. Surprisingly most people don't, and they expect everyone else to be perfect for THEM. Nobody will complete you, nobody should make you happy. You have to do this for yourself and hopefully find someone who does the same and HEALTHILY come together.

Get you what youre saying, to add my two cents to what youre saying, yes its absolutely imperative that they be perfect for you, your yessss and nos, and meet the standards you expect and will never compromise on. Potential partners still carry imperfection and they will never be 100 percent meeting your needs and wants , in order for the individuality to blossom , and for them to show up in their true authentic selves, they will be imperfect a lot of times. Just as you are the same , with the flaws you carry that make you undesirable and imperfect as well.

@@snailart9214 Completely agree

​@phoenix99005 A kinder perspective is that laughing is acknowledging how upside down our human behaviour can be. Personally I love it when Thais laughs, helps me loosen up and keep perspective / keep light - this stuff can get too heavy otherwise.