What Are The Dismissive Avoidant's Top Needs In A Relationship? How To Connect (Part 3)

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Do you want to learn the relationship needs of the dismissive avoidant and get through to them?
In this 5 part webinar based series, Thais Gibson sheds some insight on learning the relationship needs of the dismissive avoidant attachment style (dismissive avoidants) and how to get through to them.
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:02:25 - Respect Their Need for Autonomy
00:05:32 - Safety, Stability and Certainty
00:07:33 - Sense of feeling Understood and Accepted
00:12:07 - Lifetime Offer
00:12:37 - Appreciation and Acknowledgement
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel, and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
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Пікірлер: 168

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Жыл бұрын

Comment or like the video if you find this series helpful!

@sobu9917 Жыл бұрын

Thank you so much for the great content! Just a small comment, in those webinar snippets the voice is echo-y and disrupted at times :)

@deeholmes9743 Жыл бұрын

"Do not abandon yourself " . Most important takeaway for me.

@TheAdventuresOfCollegeGiRL 11 ай бұрын

@hurricaneaquatics 8 ай бұрын

And that's VERY easy to do if your an empath and have a secure attachment style.

@tiname1805 4 ай бұрын

@@hurricaneaquaticsSecures don’t abandon themselves. Ever! Anxious ppl do, and they call themselves empaths. FAs, for example, had to take in every little detail in their surroundings to be able to predict things, and that means reading people’s needs to the point of abandoning themselves due to so-called empathy.

@scarletsletter4466 11 ай бұрын

When we’re counseling these patients, we really need to help them understand how their actions impact others. It never ceases to amaze me how oblivious DA patients can be. I’ve seen DAs who presented with such diminished social skills I sent them for testing for the autism spectrum. While I respect partners who can accommodate the DA, I’m far less likely to counsel towards reconciliation when I sense the relationship won’t be fulfilling. I’m secure & somewhat avoidant myself, however, when I’ve dated these folks I eventually decided they just couldn’t provide the relationship I want. Most folks who are capable of secure attachment & being reliable, loving partners themselves don’t want a “partner” who can’t plan in advance & cancels trips or dates that THEY requested. There’s a big opportunity cost to being tied to someone like this, sadly.

@justlovemusic8182 10 ай бұрын

Thank you so much for this

@yveqeshy 9 ай бұрын

Thanks for this. I am now staying to understand why FA/APs are attracted to DAs, because the former will try hard to impress the DA who is all too happy to receive this attention and because most FAs and APs have a history with codependency and enmeshment they tend not to realize that their needs are not on the table until it's too late. What is your experience with FAs and their recovery from insecure attachment?

@moderngoblin 6 ай бұрын

Yeah I highly recommend people not date us. It is not worth it! But so many people desperately chase and try to force us into it and were all like uhhhhhhhh.... ok I guess, cya next month.

@ashton1952 5 ай бұрын

The person can't plan in advance because they're a DA, or cancels? As a DA and someone who has dated them these were never problems I've encountered. I find people generalize all the time in comments, but individuals are different and some things are their own personality.

@southernroots3896 Жыл бұрын

Just wanting to validate her dog analogy. My DA husband has told me on several occasions in the past that he loves his dog soo much because he can be “himself” with absolutely no expectations. So yeah, I can confirm her analogy is spot on ❤

@brianguillen8988 4 ай бұрын

Wow…. Enlightening for me, as a DA, as to why furry things mean so much to me! Ty

@TheCoffeeCat Жыл бұрын

DA and I were in our first romantic (I guess) trip together, we had just arrived at the hotel, it was mid-afternoon and we were thinking about what to plan for the next day. His first idea? To leave me in the hotel room and go rent a bike to ride, by himself, all morning.

@riyajacob2909 Жыл бұрын

Hehe😂

@cappygurl Жыл бұрын

Sorry, but that is hilarious. 😅

@rachelfredell3056 Жыл бұрын

Don’t take it personally. It’s not about you. Plan something to do on your own. Something lovely just for you ❤

@rachelfredell3056 Жыл бұрын

Also see if you can make a plan to connect for lunch. He obviously needs space in the morning, but doesn’t know how to communicate that.

@adamwood87 Жыл бұрын

@thecoffeecat sounds familiar. was your plan for the second day to break up with him? he'll have all the time in the world to ride a bike after that.

@Mississippian Жыл бұрын

I like how she points out that the need for space (and by extension, the need to stonewall, distance, disengage) serves no purpose when the DA actually wants to be with their partner. These behaviors only come up when the relationship doesn't add a net positive value to their life and is more draining than enriching.

@dclarke2179 Жыл бұрын

Depends on how long the need for space is. Sometimes you need time to yourself to think or do hobbies.

@sunspiral79 Жыл бұрын

Or they are no longer able to use them. As soon as I made it clear I would no longer be used..she was gone

@Mississippian Жыл бұрын

Sounds right. If someone accused me of using them, I'd leave too.

@sunspiral79 Жыл бұрын

@@Mississippian oh?..how else would you explain her getting me to buy her shit and her withholding intimacy the entire time just to come to find out she was fucking someone else? Seems pretty clear to me

@suziesmith9076 6 ай бұрын

This isn’t true da do this when they PERCEIVE a threat! That could just be emotional connection that they perceive as a threat to independence or criticism

@dvdh4856 Жыл бұрын

I too would greatly appreciate a video on DA’s and lack of accountability, apologies and reciprocity. How to address these issues to a DA as a partner, as well as, or, more importantly: how DA’s themselves can learn to show up in these areas.

@vsper1688 Жыл бұрын

So true... I'm scouring the Internet for resources in these areas... That could actually be helpful...

@JadziaDax27 Жыл бұрын

@@vsper1688 same!

@blancaperez3470 Жыл бұрын

Same

@nitacollins3645 11 ай бұрын

Strong DAs are ASD often INTJ type. The more you understand those neurological struggles the more you can be supportive,but you will be in danger of giving and allowing too much. I was able to get apologies but, rare and only after I calmly broke an issue down with strong logic why it was harmful. dont use emotions.

@nitacollins3645 11 ай бұрын

Thank you good advice.@@sunbeam9222

@DanielleBaylor Жыл бұрын

Oh this is nice. I feel like I'm constantly having to meet others needs until I'm just pushed to the point of wanting nothing.. it gets exhausting because when does anyone try to meet mine?

@Lorij24 8 ай бұрын

I so feel the same way. ❤

@user-og4cj5jd7m 4 ай бұрын

I’ve been suffering this for 15years

@mc2273CFU Жыл бұрын

I think this concept of "acceptance" needs to be teased out. I 100% accept my DA ex's hobbies, quirks, personality, etc. Those things that are true to his core are beautiful and worthy of admiration. I encouraged him, loved him, supported him wholeheartedly in those things. However, I will absolutely not accept aspects of "who he is" and how he treated me that I recognize are largely trauma responses, but can easily be lumped into this same category of "accepting who he is". Stonewalling, excessive secrecy, constant deactivating, criticism, one-sidedness, lying to keep distance, conflict avoidance, etc? Nope. I reject those as unhealthy and toxic behaviors, even though they are part of the DA package. So while I appreciate Thais clarifying at the beginning of the video that we should show up for ourselves, this idea of "accepting who he is" needs more nuance. I accept his non-trauma related self - the good and the bad. I reject the painful distancing DA behaviors borne from trauma and self-protection. Please do a video on DAs and apologies (or lack thereof!) and also one on DAs and self-centeredness as a result of having an activated sympathetic nervous system. My mother, brother, father, and best friend are all DAs and it's hard not to take the self-centeredness personally and I really want to understand and not personalize this.

@riyajacob2909 Жыл бұрын

The best way for those who are moving towards becoming secure is that....cut the energetic chords/set boundaries and acceptance that they are not mutual relationship material till they do inner growth."Loving from a distance" 🙏🏼🌺

@lifecoachingtoronto Жыл бұрын

I agree with you MC. That's why Thais highlights that you need to communicate that that behaviour isn't going to fly in this relationship, if we are to continue this relationship. What do you think?

@robinlipert1477 Жыл бұрын

So very sad and excruciatingly true. There is no way to love and accept these behaviors. Nor should we. They’re painful and harmful. No one deserves that kind of treatment. If they don’t get help then they simply don’t have the ability to self reflect and therefore don’t ever see their horrible behavior. There is zero accountability. After 3 years of being spoken to in a caustic manner, ghosted, blocked and unblocked countless times and always “understanding” and taking him back, this is where it ends. He blocked me 3 weeks ago over something completely silly. He’s a child that throws tantrums. I have been so kind, loving and understanding. Totally lost myself in the process of coddling him. Sick to death of walking on eggshells and weighing my words so as not to upset him or get blocked again! IT’s infantile! As expected, he has since unblocked me but never reached out. It’s a validation game and I’m done playing.

@mc2273CFU Жыл бұрын

@@lifecoachingtoronto I agree, and I ended the relationship because he wouldn't give me space to voice (Gently) my legitimate concerns, and told me several times he'd never change. I loved him deeply when I ended the relationship, but I have to learn to love myself too.

@mc2273CFU Жыл бұрын

@@melw3313 This is EXACTLY what happened to me with my ex DA. I said so gently and with as much praise as possible, even mentioning that I get that his silent treatment is a trauma response and stems from his past trauma so as not to make it about his character, and all he heard was me attacking him, shaming him, saying he wasn't good enough. I tried so hard, but he just couldn't separate my mentioning the specific behaviors that were hurting me from me attacking his worth as a human. He has such a deep shame wound. It was heartbreaking, but ultimately I just needed to move on.

@ipaycloseattention Жыл бұрын

I'm FA. My partner is DA. We've been together for a year-and-a-half, and I am still not included in any events in his life. Weddings, funerals, work events, nothing. Last night, I told him at some point I need to feel included in these things, because to me, a relationship is doing the important things together. He said if that's my idea of a relationship, then we don't have one. Because I will never be included, even when his college-age kids graduate, or get married, or have kids. He also still has all holidays at his ex's house, to keep the family unit cohesive for his kids. His adult kids. I feel like just a side piece, but of course, I'm not allowed to vocalize that.

@kalifornia4745 Жыл бұрын

“I’m not allowed to vocalize that.” Why is that okay with you? I’m asking from the perspective of someone that was just in a stifling relationship with a DA and I promise you, getting out is incredibly freeing.

@dominiquem14 Жыл бұрын

I’m a DA myself and I can’t even defend him, I’m sorry. Attachment styles aside, I think this relationship isn’t the best fit for you or your partner. It doesn’t seem like you and the relationship is a priority for him. I don’t think he should be dating if he wants to maintain his old lifestyle so badly. I do understand that DAs tend to not want to mix different parts of their life, but this is unacceptable in my opinion. For the simple fact alone that you voiced your concerns and he didn’t even try to hear you out - that’s an issue. I really hope you can find happiness and contentment with or without him. 🩷

@daxter7913 8 ай бұрын

I empathize with you. Same 11/2 years together where I’ve been kept in a closet. No outings. Just my place. And somewhere 1/2 way through excluded from his place. His visits were on his terms. Eventually this made me feel cheap. Texted lots, couldn’t / wouldn’t communicate verbally when needed. He got me attached to him, is still sucking my energy after I blocked & walked. He was always ‘busy’, weekends, holidays. Yes, I think I was his secrete side chick. What else could it be??? I however verbalized my needs & in writing, he did 0 to address them

@liltetsuni Жыл бұрын

Being with a DA is draining, you have to put so much work into a person who you have to figure out for yourself what their needs are by deciphering their words and actions. Because if something is wrong, they won’t tell you, you encourage and acknowledge and they won’t even tell you that they appreciate it. The da I am seeing is currently stonewalling me after I told him I find it frustrating that he doesn’t hear me when I talk, he blew up on me about all the things that have been annoying him about me- and you guessed it, didn’t actually hear anything I said. And yet, I addressed everything he mentioned and said I was glad that he at least finally told me what’s been going on with him, but here I am- silent treatment. Honestly I hope this time he doesn’t come back, because I am too forgiving and understanding and will always try and work through things

@seapeajones Жыл бұрын

Nah. Time to pack it in you've done your best. But I'm a DA, & my attitude is I can do bad by my damn self.

@LucidLuuu Жыл бұрын

I don’t think DA likes conversations that are too emotional or where they are being blamed and criticized. It makes them deactivate. I believe they like more logical conversations.

@littlehoss 11 ай бұрын

When you communicate your needs, the DA will often take it as criticism. Although you're simply trying to express that your needs are not being met (with hopes to correct the situation), it trigger's the DA's "I am defective" core wound. All they hear is that they are failing. Once that happens, the stonewalling and deactivating begins. Your DA blowing up on you was probably more a deactivating strategy. He was "fault finding" to create excuses to leave the relationship (or conversation). And that often leads to the DA claiming they need "space" and ghosting.

@littlehoss 11 ай бұрын

@@sunbeam9222 Yes, and by being authentic and expressing ones self in a healthy way, you do at least show the DA healthy modeling. But it's always good to keep their core wounds in mind if possible while addressing issues and making requests. If you trigger them they don't really hear or attempt to understand what you are saying. All they want to do is shutdown and flee.

@spiritwanderer777 4 ай бұрын

Exactly same happened to me. They came back after a lot of distancing and with tiny breadcrumbs. I ended it... what an unbelieveable pain :(

@puma0316 Жыл бұрын

I am a combination of fearful and anxious avoidant. My husband is a DA. The disagreement is when I do tell him exactly want (I like affirmation) and he is silent and unresponsive. He then says, "why can you love me like I am?" I do, but I also want my needs met. Is there no meeting in the middle?

@ashton1952 5 ай бұрын

Looks like a Greek person and a German person getting mad at each other because they speak different languages.

@abva56 10 ай бұрын

So basically, let me do whatever they want and say nothing. Got it. Sounds like a great happy relationship for someone else. I don't know what attachment style or person is just ok with that.

@ashton1952 5 ай бұрын

Probably a DA, because that's our reality. The partner criticizes, downloads emotionally, gets hysterical which makes us feel terrible because we can't fix your problems for you, we don't know how, and then you're letting us know how crappy this all is for you and it's our fault, whether you said it or not, we blame ourselves. Then withdraw to try recover. But we give this to you, to let you do what you like (this behavior etc.) and don't say anything. Evidence being there are hardly any DA's commenting. This doesn't get appreciated, it gets judged, and the cycle goes around and around. Both need therapy to stop doing the things that make the other feel bad. Otherwise give the person an interview on the first date so you can know whether to avoid them

@jamiejq 5 ай бұрын

@ashton1952 What you call criticizing and downloading emotionally is just normal communication though. It is also not "their problem" if you are in a relationship with them, it is your problem too. DAs not seeing themselves as sharing in the problem is exactly why they are often seen as selfish and soul-sucking. Often times this criticism and emotional downloading is even excessively buttered-up, and the DA still gives back the silent treatment while they go silently reflect on how this is not actually their problem.

@LeeChrissy Жыл бұрын

This has been a very interesting journey with my DA and because I'm an FA, I'm sure he's had quite a journey with learning me. He's my best friend and frustrates me to no end sometimes, but I'm getting it now. Sometimes I just want to jump ship, and I do for a few months at times because it becomes too much, but sometimes I feel like we're the only ones who really get each other. One thing I've learned is to step back and love myself more. I'm on the journey to become a Secured Attachment. You're videos are helpful with this so thank you.

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Жыл бұрын

Glad this is helping you! Thanks for your comment

@theguy4615 Жыл бұрын

Once you become secure you will find the behavior of a DA intolerable and will move on.

@LeeChrissy Жыл бұрын

@@theguy4615 I get what you're saying but this particular person has been a best friend for over 20 years before we started dating. The last time I walked away, I did a lot of work on myself and realized that I overgive to everyone and expect the same in return and that's not okay either. I was looking for validation and once I put my ego aside and put that love back into myself, I don't need that anymore and ironically enough, he's giving it to me. We've kind of balanced the scales and seem to be more on the same page now. Not sure how long this will continue, but he'll always be my family.

@theguy4615 Жыл бұрын

@@LeeChrissy I wish you luck. I was with a DA for 20 years on and off. No amount of patience or work on my end changed anything. The last 11 months of no contact I became more secure and now would never go back to that. She did come back but it was too much work and walking on eggshells for hardly anything in return.

@LeeChrissy Жыл бұрын

@@theguy4615 oh man that sounds hard. I generally give people 3 years tops to see if we're compatible for a future. After that I end it for good. I think even 3 years is generous tbh. I've had to walk away from relationships where I still loved the person before and I'll absolutely do it again. If anything, I'm so happy for this because this journey made me see a lot about myself that I wanted to change. Without going through this I might have never learned to value myself so much. Another thing is that I don't walk on eggshells anymore. I'm 100% myself now and hold nothing back because one thing I realized was that I'd rather be single and speak my mind than be coupled and stay quiet. I have nothing to lose by being authentically me.

@ShimmerSoulSong Жыл бұрын

I messed up. I shouldn't have judged the gaming and given more acceptance. When I felt brushed off as for the time given to gaming, I might judge it. But I was also curious to hear about the stories and was sincerely interested and she could talk about it for an hour or more. But I also wanted to converse and be heard about the things I'm interested in and her be interested to listen and support what feeds my soul too. So we both listen and be curious of our various interests. Without thinkin we are trying to make the person be like us by sharing what we love.

@ShimmerSoulSong Жыл бұрын

I will always care about and wish well and pray for the DA who iced me out when I was asking her to lean in and tend together what we both need and try on some new things and look at what you teach. I feel like I tried in various ways to communicate and explain what was going on in my inner world and wanting to know what was up in her. But if she feels unsafe aka "afraid of being vulnerable". People totally need to be able to do individual things. And both people need Consideration and transparency.

@angelamoore7618 3 ай бұрын

I get little glimpses of potential and we can have so much fun and chemistry but….no compliments or positive affirmations, little to no affection, and only surface level communication. It feels like I’m in a LDR with someone who’s in the same room with me 😞

@sally5256 Жыл бұрын

You are amazing! Brilliant!! Thank you for your content. ❤

@greylatern Жыл бұрын

I've been chasing someone with this pattern. A lot of this is affirmation for my instincts and feelings for what's happening between us. Thank you.

@tucky3191 Жыл бұрын

The beginning greeting made my day. Encouragement to have an amazing day 😭🥺 something small but just really brightened my day. Tysm. Can’t wait to watch this

@ShimmerSoulSong Жыл бұрын

Differences can be a beautiful contrast! And be complementary!

@nicolasvankalck802 Жыл бұрын

Great video as always. Yes, it would be nice to do the same for the AP.

@tucky3191 Жыл бұрын

Sooo helpful and empowering!!!!!

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Жыл бұрын

Happy to hear it :)

@roshalllambert 9 ай бұрын

The point about communication and acceptance is so true!!

@TheOfficeGurl Жыл бұрын

I'm loving the series, Thais! I'm an FA with a DA partner. I just signed up for a monthly membership bc your ad for PDS popped up after searching for videos about CEN. It has literally been a life saver and exactly what I've been needing without ever knowing what I needed to stop the cycle. The tips on this DA series have helped me better understand my partner of 6yrs. I've had some great breakthroughs already with him. Can't thank you enough! 🙌

@worldwidechubbyguy2.018 Жыл бұрын

so with accepting the DA, how can they return the favor? how can the partner know for sure that the DAs accept them as well? we know one of DAs deactivation strategies is to flaw find. super thanks and great vid as always

@riyajacob2909 Жыл бұрын

Exactly 💯

@LeeChrissy Жыл бұрын

I've been on and off with a DA for 3 years now. He's my best friend, but I'm an Anxious Attachment and what I've learned is to lay way back and let him do the pursuing and he actually searches for compliments now. He was so used to me being the overgiver and constantly validating him that when we had our last break and I took that love and attention and put it back into myself and now there's a total energy shift. Bottom line, I verbalize when I've been upset about his one-sided ways and as much as he gets uncomfortable with the confrontation, he's learning me...we're learning each other. It's not easy though.

@worldwidechubbyguy2.018 Жыл бұрын

@@LeeChrissy would that mean he has become somewhat anxious too?

@LeeChrissy Жыл бұрын

@@worldwidechubbyguy2.018 it's possible. We've been good friends for over 20 years and he's always been pretty much about himself which is why I almost didn't want to date him. Our first and second round ended with me feeling like I was putting too much in and it pissed me off. After the second split I did a lot of work on myself and realized that was a ME problem that I gave so much, so I balanced myself and pulled it back. I don't want or need validation anymore and now I'm getting it more than ever. I hope he's not anxious because I know how shitty it feels. I think maybe we're just getting more on the same wave length now?

@worldwidechubbyguy2.018 Жыл бұрын

@@LeeChrissy happy for you for healing yourself and become secure! yes i hope that it's more of him becoming more secure too with your help and guidance. consistency is key and looks like you have been a very constant part of his life hence he feels the sense of security

@triplejmom7826 Жыл бұрын

Thanks for this. I’m an fa & my sister is a da. We’ve been ping ponging our entire lives & I’m finally starting to understand myself & her. 😊

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Жыл бұрын

That's great!

@suzannelaffoon3311 6 ай бұрын

Yes, please do this for FA's too!!

@DanielleBaylor Жыл бұрын

My biggest thing is just being able to exist... Man, you are spot on.

@krismckee 6 ай бұрын

An avoidant friend told me I make her feel "seen".

@haroldvsharold2.0 Жыл бұрын

Thank you for this video.

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Жыл бұрын

You're welcome Harold :)

@stevensantora2976 Жыл бұрын

Thank you so much.

@sobu9917 Жыл бұрын

Thank you so much for the great content! Just a small comment, in those webinar snippets the voice is echo-y and disrupted at times :)

@mesCheerios Жыл бұрын

I'm not really sure how to best apply the advice on this channel to my own growth because, when I did the quiz, I came up as like 32% DA, 26% FA, and 21% AP and 21% secure. soo I guess I have all the possible issues that a person could have + a healthy perspective ? Or maybe these categories are not that useful for a whole bunch of people. I wonder how many people are like me and can't be categorised so easily

@NewyJon7787 2 ай бұрын

The points you make are all well and good, however when a DA is triggered, none of that matters to them anymore until they let themselves feel again months later when it is too late.

@Brandon-yr3nj Жыл бұрын

god the whole part about DAs needing to feel accepted is so valid

@CuddleClaw. 5 ай бұрын

Know you’ll understand and respect their need for autonomy, respect, space, time, freedom. Validate their needs and be okay with it. But if they cancel, in exchange, when they return, ask for a need you have. Sense of stability, certainty, safety. It’s ok to have conflict, just have to handle it effectively, what are you feeling, needing, can I do to help repair that, thank you for sharing, ok my turn to share. Learning how to communicate makes conflict feel like a solvable problem, avoid shame wounds, it’s ok to have differences and that’s normal and we can still maintain certainty, stability, and safety. Feel loved by feeling understood, fully accepted, and supported. Not being judged, asking about their activities. The need for space goes away when they feel these things. DA learned to accept himself too because he was constantly being accepted. (Shame makes us want to hide, leads to distance). Like being with a dog, the dog can always be around, because the dog doesn’t judge them. It’s ok to say “I get why you feel like that, I see your side, it’s unacceptable to raise your voice, let’s talk about it in a healthy way.”

@antonioboyd2036 4 ай бұрын

I understand the need for space that's cool because I can go do my own thing but when it gets to a point where you hardly see one another because of our work schedule it feels like we lose connection and then when its communicated I have needs Too! Spending time together giving effort showing intimacy in some form was what I got before and that made the relationship work because it didn't seem so one sided now everything like the things you talking about is about my person needs but when it comes to my needs I'm Too needy, what? That's crazy it's gotta be some give and take, OMG

@AnI-if8fp Жыл бұрын

Everytime I watch your videos I begin to feel compassion and understanding for my DA ex. He stonewalled, he lied, he was being secretive, he ghosted, he cheated, never apologized, blamed others (including me) for his downfalls. You name it. I dont even understand myself anymore. I swing from being so angry at all that happened (including myself for failing to protect myself from such damage) to missing him within minutes. And yet, all I ever get is "I am broken beyond repair" - self-pity and shame. It`s comfortable in this defectiveness-zone I guess. No need to change. I would also appreciate a video on DA & apologies.

@mc2273CFU Жыл бұрын

Yes, I've asked several times for a DA and apologies video. She's done one for FAs. I've never once had a DA in my life apologize except a "sorry you feel that way" non - apology. It's so hurtful!

@Mississippian Жыл бұрын

But why does a DA have to apologize for pushing anyone away? They did it for reasons that served they're best interest. How is that wrong? Wouldn't you want to push away people who were crossing your boundaries?

@mc2273CFU Жыл бұрын

@@Mississippian I won't speak for the original commenter, but in my case with my DA family and DA ex, there are some things that they did that were objectively wrong and not a matter of boundary crossing: my mother deactivating when her father died causing her to abandon me for months to my abusive father when I was young, my DA ex betraying and lying to me about another woman, etc. Not one apology, even though I know at least in the case of my mother she feels regret about it now.

@lisa4cohen Жыл бұрын

@@mc2273CFU similarly with my x DA .. I would repeat the scenarios that effected me over and over bc I felt like he wasn’t listening .. and he would quickly brush off My concerns with I can’t change the past only move forward and not validate with some form of ‘sorry’ in order for me to get over .. the sorries feel dismissive also.. it’s so frustrating like u just want to shake the emotions out of them .. DA’s give off a type of selfish almost using you type of vibe .. I know deep diving u see other things but the over all feeling is so empty and sad 😢

@mc2273CFU Жыл бұрын

@@lisa4cohen I just resonate with every single word of this. Feelings of being regularly dismissed, used, unimportant, etc. when I know they do care. It's their strategies for self-protection that are so painful because they unfortunately activate my as yet unhealed core wounds, especially of being unworthy and unlovable.

@emilyb5557 Жыл бұрын

If the DA could communicate YES this would help.... otherwise when they need to withdraw it's just out of the blue with no explanation & told at the past minute. So then it's very hard to not get upset or express/request something like a nice plan for when back together. Requests to communicate don't change this & now DA fearful of upset when they need to withdraw, the more they withdraw...then the more upset = vicious cycle.

@Medietos 4 ай бұрын

Having a pet might be a drawback with individulas with attachment issues, in that they get and give so much love with it that they are more likely to back off from making an effort with human relating when feeling unsure , uncomfortable or incapable/ashamed in core wounds.Whereas they otherwise might feel their human aLoneliness so strongly that they are more determined to make the effort needed.

@thewallflower7483 Жыл бұрын

How do you know if they are to far gone ?

@stevemillington3849 5 ай бұрын

10:40 This is literally every 'crazy cat person'

@rnbsteenstar Жыл бұрын

This can even apply to enm relationships.

@janelleallbritton2199 2 ай бұрын

The question I’m struggling with is: is he DA or just not that into me?

@sifublack192 4 ай бұрын

DAs make time for your partners, but don't lose yourselves in the relationship. Maintain your hobbies and interests and develop a relationship with the gym so you can enjoy your alone time and be refreshed when you spend time with your partner.

@katiemaguire9073 3 ай бұрын

Painful, dysfunctional, broken torturous people. I'm out. Can't take it anymore. Not interested in this pain anymore.

@wulfclaw4921 Ай бұрын

No. The more I hear on this the more I know this is spiritually connected. Like hugging a zombie. It just ain't worth it. Truth is they don't give a fat rats.....

@sunspiral79 Жыл бұрын

So is every avoidant toxic?

@qasimimtiaz9668 Жыл бұрын

no.

@sunspiral79 Жыл бұрын

@@qasimimtiaz9668 lol..I disagree

@karinteeples9715 11 ай бұрын

YES!!!! If they’re not healing and taking accountability for their un healthy tactics in the relationship that only serve them but alienate their partners.

@brianhill6842 Жыл бұрын

So what if you try to talk about their world, support them, understand them and they still tell you.things like “stop trying” or tell you that you annoy them? I think there is something wrong. She said DAs don’t raise their voice but he does. He verbally insults me with things like, “you’re just being a whiny ass B*tch”, ….he drinks a lot but denies it’s an issue because he’s done it for ten years.

@rachelfredell3056 Жыл бұрын

You should not tolerate disrespect like that. Raise your standards, this person has issues beyond their attachment style.

@anewlifestirring Жыл бұрын

Perhaps the relation you describe here is closer to a narcissistic personality disorder rather that to a dismissive avoidant behaviour ?

@brianhill6842 Жыл бұрын

@@rachelfredell3056 he says he doesn’t act like this with anyone else but me. He says I “care too much” and that I have always been an option. His previous relationship, the ex committed suicide in 2019, a year after they separated. So I have spent the last four years being patient and let him get comfortable with me. I thought we had a solid enough friendship first and by having me visit he was opening up to more without pressure. Im very sad it’s happening like this.

@LeeChrissy Жыл бұрын

Maybe he's a DA, but he also sounds like a verbally abusive narcissist. This isn't a person I would try to figure out and work with personally.

@adamwood87 Жыл бұрын

@brian dude, what you're describing is abuse. you need to leave.

@spiritwanderer777 4 ай бұрын

dismissive avoidant needs - who cares... they won't care about yours even if you fulfill theirs. speaking from a very long and painful experience. their autonomy means weeks without talking and then they come back all cuddly and happy. screw them..