Yes! That, and you are trauma bonded to them. And have schadenfreude.

Right, once I learned what narcissism was and that he is narcissistic, I had to disengaged from him because it made so much sense. I told him, I want to finish raising our child together and I'm off to take care of myself. I dont need to be called a cunt, a bitch, or whatever he calls me at the time because he literally misunderstands me and gets angry. I'm counting the years down until my son is older and I'm off to college :)

So accurate! And they lie to you that it’s somehow all your fault even when they’re the one that made all the bad decisions with no input from you at all.

Skylie so true 😟

So true x

Facts

Facts

Facts for 'she' as well

So true!

@@SouvikHalderMusic Exactly.

Same....

I ignored the signs too!

Same here for one year. Saw the sign from day one but gave so much tolerance..

Same! 8 years, just filed for divorce but he is still in my house. He acts like I’m going to change my mind, guilt trips, gaslighting, manipulating, etc!

@@kathyo3846 Stay strong! I hope that he'll be out soon and that you'll have your freedom back.

Me too its weird inst it? We would feel some sadness

Same

That's how it was with my Ex fiancee. I was bummed for like a day but I wasn't heart broken. If facet I was beyond relived

This is the gift of staying in a relationship too long...what a relief when it’s over

Interesting tactic....I overstayed my welcome to the point where she became IMPOSSIBLE to be around. Even on what should of been our 9 year anniversary we tried going for voffee and just sitting in the car "trying" to enjoy ourselves listening to music, conversation was unachievable, she even complained about the music so I changed the station...a few songs later Queen came on with Another One Bites The Dust. I lovjngly said "that can be our song" 🙃 and she snapped and said "take me home". NO PROBLEM, SWEETIE...your wish became my command, and that was that.

Very true with the parent part, but I felt trapped. Financially I was trapped.

You stay to long because they have took all your confidence away and you think you need them.

@@pam164 exactly. I had no more confidence no self esteem at all.

RubberWilbur YES!!! I was raised by an Evil Narc Stepfather and left Hm at 14 to get away. I've found now that I've always been attracted to Narcs. This last one of almost 4 yrs finally did me in. I now have stage 4 breast cancer and I'm doing my best to heal my body, mind and spirit. The cognitive dissonance is what gets me, still can't wrap my head around how I could truly love someone who treated me like crap and NEVER cared. This Cancer woke me up that this transactionship was literally killing me from the inside out. I'm thankful I'm free now but I still mourn the illusion of it all. He was my world and I meant NOTHING!!!

So true... I have a narc mom and she groomed me to be a victim and only people with narcissist parents understand.

You're not alone, Rachel. More power to you now that you're aware and may you find the right person. Peace✌️

Totally get it and been there.

@Otie Jason What do you mean?

Its okay we all do it love is blind.

Otie Jason true colors online ?

I am looking to fully support myself now, so I can easily leave.

I got the "don't ruin the holidays " BS ... always made me feel like I HAD to put everyone else first or I was just selfish. 30 year marriage till kids were grown and yes, I stayed wayy to long. I didn't know anything about narcissistic people. I tried just keeping the peace and keeping everyone else happy. Till it was just US. I left without a thing. Just left! It took HIM telling everyone he was divorcing me. That was my get out card. He couldn't back down 😁 He didn't file for a month. So, I DID. He tried the "you don't have to do this to our family" and "you know you can stop this" the year it took to get that divorce. All of a sudden he wanted to spend time with me and would stop everything to show up everywhere I went. He even took time off work to be with me. Nope... I really did enjoy the attention (not gonna lie) but, continuing with the process of getting the divorce.

Wow!You are amazing.You did it!Well done !BRAVO!

Wow that got is pretty picky, why doesn't he help people with more need? Is he going to check my credit score?

@@jenniferhampton5171 did you get out honey?

Ponchita Thomas wow Queen. I knew a month after we got married & this is year 4. I feel like I’m suffocating daily.

@@prettybrown8886 try to get out ASAP

Im going thru this but he has not left an I fear what may happen if I leave worst. How did u maintain

What was his reason for divorcing you?

@@4mlmoore be ready financially. pray for him to leave.better for him to leave. mine left.praise God

@@tranquility9325 TRUE...but everyone else WILL RESPECT YOU for building a wall and setting boundaries that you will not allow to be crossed, by anyone...EVEN the NARCs. 😉The narcs will just go away and find another prey. 👋🏼

Yes well we all know that in theory but self respect is something you gradually learn to have. Kids who grew up in an abusive environment don't exactly get much opportunity to develop self respect and their relationships in adult life don't always offer much in the way of healthy self image opportunities.

It's true. I'm way better at dealing with pretty much everything now that I have learned to respect myself.

@@xenajade6264 Yes, so well said. It takes time and devotion to undo one's conditioning in order to authentically respect oneself and to be liberated from childhood conditioning / trauma / narc abuse --whatever the conditioning is. Takes time with loving hard work.

👍💗

yes!!! this was part of my healing from narcissistic abuse. i don't need to stay long to convince myself i'm making the right decision once someone disrespects me because i now know that there will be someone that doesn't even let that happen ONCE. That's the kind of person worth having

Thankyou, that makes me feel very good. My female cousin was a narc. I lived with her for six weeks and she had completely destroyed my sense of who I was and it was when she finally left my sight for the first time in a month and a half that I got panic attacks thinking about her and knew that I had to get the hell out of there. She was away for two days, and I told my mum to buy me a plane ticket as I had to get the hell out of there. I was screwed up for a very long time after.

@@SunburntComposer I'm sorry that you had to experience that, I hope you recovered

Saved By Grace the Bible also says to just go and wipe the dust off your feet. in another first it says if you must, leave your family. I so totally relate to going back and 4th like you have.

Absolutely 👏🏾

I believe almost same thing happened to me!!! Diabetes , blood pressure glaucoma and depression because of my friend bullying me

My decades-long scapegoated husband by malignant npd mother had a fatal heart attack in July ‘18 - he had diabetes and undiagnosed heart disease - very sad

Godzilla man streb 😔

@Crom Plenty but you know that sabotaging attempts at a good diet is EXACTLY the kind of thing these sociopath types do, right? Anything to f with your life and stay in control. You need to remove them from your life before you can start fixing things, psychological AND physiological.

Same here...Got diabetes within an year into the relationship with my narc

Well said, exactly this!

This is so so true.

Number 2, was my reason for staying. Before I turned 30, I lived 2000 miles away, so I thought that I was emotionally strong to handle my siblings. When I turned on 30, I spent the entire summer at my parents. That was when I realized that I couldn't continue to deal with them. I told my mother and she tried to convince me that if I just didn't respond, they would back off. So, I told her that I would make a concentrated effort and see what happened. For the next 10 years, I spent every one of my vacation days with them. When they would make toxic comments or actions, I would ask them to stop. They would either say: "that sounds like a personal problem to me." Or, "we always insult you." During those ten years, I would warn them that I wasn't going to continue to stay there and take the abuse. There's an old saying: "you might insult me, but it is going to be long distance." They would laugh at me and tell me that I'd better not. On the tenth year, I told my mother that I was done. I called her almost every day until she passed away. In the beginning, I would get snide emails and voicemails. Then I got the guilt trips. Now, I'm getting the we are so worried about you messages. After the

Cut them off too! Anyone who makes you doubt your reality is not a friend whether family or not. Find support from choosing a tribe of like minded people who truly care about you. When you cut off the dead needs, you make space for growth and new people to come into your life. Peace & healing!

I am the victim of that folse belif 100 procent o what terror we put us in to. I dont know how to live difrently. That idea was like sence of life for me. Its wery hard to belive that is nothing elce but some stupid belife, but reality shows it is. Thanks and good luck!

There is one truth belive . Only God and Krist and Holy spirit can help to person who honestly belive to the holy trinity, because Krist defeted death on the cros for our salvation. I cant help but Krist can. That's truth belive. Why? We can only belive because we dont know much, for instance we dont know from where we come to this life and where are we going after death.So exponation is belive to the eternal higher fors and person .

For me, it's been the movies and TV shows of "this or that person has potential; we just have to find a way to show it's worth it, and bring it out". Yeah, Hollywood fantasies. No matter how much potential someone has, if he/she is too lazy to use it, you're just wasting your time.

Yes booboo

You cannot change somebody who does not genuinely want to themselves.

Yes, my ex, even before we started dating, kept telling me he was working on himself and would get better/do better. He was in therapy before we started dating, so I believed it a lot. Then, he quit for no reason (least he didn't tell me the reason) and I just knew things would go downhill, but because he was still doing "good", I stayed. And that slowly changed, but all the time, "don't be disappointed in me or leave me, I promise I'll do better." No change ever happened. If they have to keep telling you they are changing, but you're not seeing it, it's not coming. In fact, when I brought this up to him once, he told me he was tired of me wanting to change him. I never said anything about changing and he was the one who wanted to "do better" for himself, me, and our relationship, his words, not mine, but somehow it turned into me trying to make him change. I still can't believe I stayed and for as long as I did.

Eristotle Thanks for opening my eyes!

@@BooDotBoo Next someone tells me he's narcissistic to begin with, in order to lower my expectations. I'm gonna ask him if he in therapy, the answer to which probably would be ''No'' So that would be my attitude towards everything they have to do with me too ''No''

It's not the words but who says em,Roy masters,was told by a priest

True.

Ana D did you leave your house which you stayed for 25 years??? Or threw him out of the house. To be in that house was your right. Right?? I’m with a narcissist husband from 38 years, I think why I shud leave, he shud leave and give me my alimony. He has already married and has and second wife , and has kept me hanging. Why shud I suffer a loss where I hv devoted my everything to him. Now that bastard should give my house and my expense to me that’s my right. But as much I know him he will not let me live in peace.

@@methib3306. I left because he owns the house. I am living with my parents and I don't need anything from him. I'm living in paradise now.

You just described my marriage of 28 years

You have said things I say all the time and feel the way I have been feeling for a very long time. I have stayed too long and if I stay any longer, I feel like I will die. I don’t want to die - I have two beautiful children and want to be with them for a very long time. You have made me understand I need to leave and I need to leave now - not only for my happiness, but for my life. Thank you. 💕

I stayed for 17 years. It took him that long to finally put his hands on me and threatened my life. I got a lawyer next day. I didn't realize the mental abuse he was playing on me. I was so getting sick of defending myself from his insults and baseless criticisms.. I'm glad he threatened me I'm not sure I would have left. Life is so much pleasant now. I kick myself for not leaving sooner. But now I know.

Its pathetic!! But , it goes w our childhood wounds. We learned to be co-dependent & that recovery process is hell & scary..but amazing when you get to the point where you no longer need anyone or anything for validation . You validate yourself. Your creator validates you . & really , that's all that matters !!! Stay TRUE TO YOU . PERIOD . people are dying & die needing to be " liked & loved" .. how sad..heartbreaking.. but life is about CHOICES . As adults , we have choices ! We are no longer children bound to this abuse !

God bless you me too I can relate to all of this thank you so much God is with us stay strong ❤️❤️❤️❤️💪💪💪💪💪🌹🌹🌹🌹🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

I’m there with you ladies 37 yrs😔

Same happened to me, 35 years, but you can do it. You’ll be so glad to be finally free.

@@BrendaLG Please send a prayer up for me! Blessings to you and continued success 🙏🏼💕

So many of us have stayed in so long... 38 years for me. Around the 20 year mark I started realizing what I was dealing with, but I had six children and no way to support them. When I started doing healthy boundaries around the 34 year mark things got exponentially worse and I wasn't sure I could hold on, but I kept working my exit plan. Now my children are all adults and I'm getting out!

321 renew yes absolutely that’s the same thing I am thinking, mine is 38 years of marriage.

Meethi B , wow I lasted 12 years and that was 11 years too long!

321 renew are you happy now?? Did you face any difficulties?? Were you dependent on him financially??

Meethi B he was dependent on me financially, I have been divorced going on 7 years and am so happy. I have chosen to remain single and still have no plans to even date. I have picked one problem relationship after another. And it feels good to be on my own. Though I still have a kid in high school. I thought he was finally “the one” after so many failures but he turned to be the worst one of all. He fooled us all.

But, then you realize you'll never, ever recoup the losses. What a TOTAL waste of time, waste of worry, waste of hoping they'd change, waste of sanity. Lord, help!

Kudos to you!

Koreena Law I stayed for 35 years - how delusional of me!

@@june-mariehamilton5455 no delusinal, gasligted and cognitive disonance makes that posible, please don't blame you

I can relate. Im so happy for you glad you're back functioning love 💗👏🙌👏🌺

I’m realizing this myself right now. How did you win in court?

My hope absolutely died and I had to leave for good for my own emotional welfare - I just needed peace. It had been difficult because I loved him and the good was really good but the bad things far outweighed everything else, it was sad. I kept thinking" why can't he just be a nice kind person all of the time?" It hurt, it still hurts, but I couldn't allow him to control, manipulate and hurt me anymore. I was never his priority even though he wanted me to make him mine - it was never reciprocated.

@victoriascurls I understand your question and my response is not to take your comment lightly. But, the way you get hopeless with parents is the same way you do with anyone else and that's by realizing that they're never going to change and to hope otherwise is just going to damage you even further. Just because your parents are your parents that doesn't mean you owe them undying love allegiance and care for the rest of your life if they didn't give you the same thing. It's very difficult, but don't let them guilt you into making you think that you must always honor your mother and your father no matter what they have done and or continue to do to you. Bottom line is you deserve better. Don't believe the lies and the guilt trip. Be kind to yourself. The biggest gift you can give yourself is to love yourself more than you love them. If you do that then you will realize that you have to let them go.

yep - me too

Snapchat me joey_rocco19

Me too

Going through this right now, 64 and finally going no contact with all of them! Been way to long coming! They’ve done so much damage and I need to take of me😊 you take care of you♥️

It's not about what they prefer. They are narcissists who have no empathy for others and what they prefer is to get emotional fuel for thrmselves any way they can. In other words, they don't care about hurting you. They don't care about you, period! They have never given a second thought about what they are doing to you. And they will do it to anyone that will let them. They don't know how to treat anyone with respect. It's their mental illness so try not to take it personal. Concentrate on how you deserve better and be grateful that you got out. Btw, I don't say this lightly, I say this to encourage you. Be happy that you got away before you lost your mind and or your physical health. That took a lot of strength. In time you'll feel better. All the best in your journey.

@@andreavanda4722 Totally agree with everything you have said! 👍🏽

You'll never get respect from one of those

I agree. I allowed him to convince me that I didn’t need to work & to rely on him being my husband I listened & that’s when it got worst. I was completely dependent on him & he loved it. I also had no idea of narcissism.

They? No you?

Good for you I've stayed for too Long

tranquility Thank you so much. I’ve learned my lesson

This is something I find super interesting - that people who've been in these relationships learn to see narcissistic traits in other people. I never noticed it before my last relationship, but now it's *everywhere* and I can't unsee it. I wish more people knew about these trends.

Thx for sharing this !! & I sooo relate to you . I can smell them a mile away ! My gut just senses them & goes into that knot - familiar feelings... I run & fast !! I really enjoyed reading your comment. Breakdown to breakthrough- had many of those & a recent one bc I have once again left my narc mother & the rest of the toxic family. No going back for 3rd's!!!

@Leslie omg yeees!!! Hearing this made me sooo happy !!!!! There are blessings in every situation & I went back to my narc mother & the rest of the toxic family in 2017 after no contact for 2 yrs & legally changing my name to break free & start creating my own life & identity . Best decision of my life & of course - guilt tripped for it .. anyway , I went back to the family only bc I was like in the pitts of hell & dead broke- helicopter narc mother to the rescue & well - so much trauma since being back but I learned about the GASLIGHTING, fantasy bonds , cognitive dissonance & trauma bonding in ways I don't think I would have had i not come back to be re-traumatized...& working through my CPTSD this year & the mind F...my mother did on me ( again for the millionth time) I went into a deep depression . I had a psychotic break .. I realized how deep the neglect & abandonment went .. it was hell ... the GASLIGHTING I had endured & how deep this trauma bond goes .. so a situation arose recently where for the 1st time in my life I was bullied by mother/father /older brother & sister in law at the same time & I was put into a situation that was not in my best interests at all ! They took my keys & trapped me while my narc brother raged punching a huge whole in the wall - why ? Why was I the scapegoat? Bc I exposed my child molester uncle at the age of 21 when he groomed me for 2 yrs then coming out with his sexual fantasies for me which re-traumatized me .. & this same uncle violated my body when I was 8 ( a secret i kept till i was 21 after he sexually abused me again- asking sexually explicit questions, bought me a dildo he wanted to experiment with me with , showed me porn magazines- while I froze & fawned bc I also learned this year my coping mechanisms have names! ) ... so anyway , I was blamed for the sexual abuse by my mother & she denied it all as well - so one hand she denied the other she blamed me - wow , I just realized this is a contradiction... which one was it ?! Did it or didn't it "happen " ...& it's why since then ( I am almost 42) I have had a turmolchious relationship with narc mother even tho the deep issues started from birth - emotional neglect etc ... so Scapegoating me the past 20 yrs " laura can't get over the past " ... & so to everyone I AM THE PROBLEM . So what I really came to really SEE while I was trapped in this recent situation is that- my mother has admitted things to my face & said loads of crap making me think she was remorseful for turning a blind eye to me then in the next breadth pulling the same crap .. when I tell you the amount of GASLIGHTING I have experienced... but what became clear to me is that she would tell me what she thought I wanted to hear but in reality , believes that it's my fault I was sexually abused. & my father now blames me too .. that was new info for me . I never had a father , hes been a workaholic since my birth hence my uncle was able to get close .. but its my fault ... again , I am the scapegoat. ..but seeing my parents, in the same room that night both betray me & my mother , oh I know she loved seeing my pain. ..well that was it for me. That was the day I disowned them all . & my brothers both have children yet if anything happened to theirs , oh all hell would break loose .. nobody touches their children but - it was ok to touch me. These narcs are so lost & confused. . They can all have each other .. I have walked away . I plan on changing my number & email so nobody can find me to ever abuse me again . I have friends who have my back . But ,more important- I have my own back ! No going back this time . My mental health is at stake & no more poison is ever allowed back into my life . So the biggest blessing is I am free now to live a healthy peaceful life . I saw at what lengths my narc mother will go & I just refuse to be her scapegoat any further ! ... she would suck me dry till her last breath if I stuck around .. not happening!

Exactly the same brother. We have 2 girls together too, but in the end we just give too much of ourselves for nothing in return. We deserve better

@And Be Balanced honestly I just couldn’t take it no more. I couldn’t be disrespected no more. I felt like I couldn’t get no lower. I just knew this time no matter if it broke me to leave, I deserve at least a shot at actual happiness. It was rough. I struggled for almost a year wondering if I made a bad mistake. I was being loved bombed to get me back but I stuck to my guns though. Almost three years later I am so happy the choice I made. I never felt the feeling of being more free. Word of advice, if you feel it’s time, it’s time!

@And Be Balanced you are validated. What you not crazy. You are important and capable of feeling love. You right relationships shouldn’t be that hard. If it’s not adding to you life it’s subtracting. Do let them gaslight you into thinking you’re being sensitive for having emotions. The grass in greener on the other side but you have to do the work first.

@And Be Balanced Yeah emotionally manipulative people always make their targets (partners) feel like it's them: they're too sensitive, they're overanalysing, they're not being understanding enough, they just don't get them, they didn't communicate the right way - it's always the same. If the abusive person can make you analyse the hell out of yourself & try to change yourself to fit the relationship 1) You'll be trying/staying for longer because you'll believe that when the right thing has changed it'll be a good relationship, 2. They can make suggestions for what needs to change & you'll do it - adds to their control, 3. If deflects the attention from them being the problem - you're so caught up thinking that it's you that you don't look at their behaviour. If it's causing you emotional distress it's toxic. That should be a line that's not crossed &, once it is, it's time to leave.

feeling their pain is the worst, I wish I could stop feeling the pain of my narc spouse

Momma Bear,your lovely smile can make the news!

i feel that too. i want her back. but i can not stay. i haven't went back. creepy thought, frequently creeps in.

They have done so much I will never miss them. But they won't get out of my way.

2 years for me too. I actually feel like I learned a lot about myself, but I lost 90% of everything I owned. My sister won't talk to me and we used to best friends. Depression has always been my middle name. Yep, still miss him, but I have the strength to say "no" if he comes back around.

Fck that guy! You did the right thing.

Depends….. Grieving - the process is really painful and therefore a person can feel worse during it. But no one should be making you feel worse for setting healthy boundries.

There’s never any support or assistance or reinforcement of your wise decisions to leave or try to seek help... worst is after you do leave and everyone turns against you for doing that dirty deed to THEM... brings the Reality of their own abuse to light and they cannot face the truth... best bet is to turn to the Professionals 1st and foremost- Domestic abuse agencies or even the telephone hotline and a lawyer or Legal Aide for advice.

I agree. Most people think about my covert narc that he is the most amazing person and talk highly of him. I have experienced all of the narc traits (projection, gaslighting, cognitive dissonance, etc.). Right now waiting for the smear campaign when he will convince everyone that I’m crazy and abusive. I just have to swallow my pride and deal with it as nobody would ever believe me if I told them that he is a covert narc and the hell he put me through.

It is hard. It is incredibly hard. But every day gets easier. I left my 28 year marriage and divorced my N Ex husband 4 years ago. I did it on my own, and I do mean on my own. No help. No support. No love or understanding from anyone. Nada. Zilch. No family. No friends. I was so isolated and alone that I did not have any friends. All I had was his family, and they were as toxic as he was. Both my family and his family was/is full of Ns. And I still live in the same town as my N ex Husband does. I am still so very glad I got free and left. My only regret is not leaving in year one of our marriage with my son. Now my son also has the full blown NPD. So sad.

He is clearly grieving. Going through narcissistic abuse is hell. Complete mind fuckery. I’m not sure what would be best as he clearly is in denial. For me audiobooks helped me comprehend what I was going through the past 2.5 years. (Shahida Arabi, Debbie Mirza, Dr Ramani, etc.) Everything fell into place. It’s very difficult as covert narcs are so convincing. I would give him some time, but would definitely try to get him listen to or read those books and watch KZfaq videos such as this, Inner Integration and Narcology Unscripted. Hopefully, he will come round.

I got tired of bring unforgiving... it was a heavy load that I wasn't willing to carry.

True, but sometimes one doesn't get anything else from others so it feels better then being tottaly alone. They do like doing things like outings, trave,l so it kind of feels as something that one would do with someone who was truly loving too. The difference is that they do all this for themselves & our presence means nothing to them, they would be just as "happy" with someone else.

get real!

Ella Nola Omg, that is so true, they couldn’t care leas if it’s you, or someone else having a nice outdoor picnic with them, even if you’re the mother of their children. How cold is that?! They’re literally heartless bastards.

Yesssssss!!!!!!

They tend to freak out when you do that be careful especially when you disagree with them or refuse to get on that emotional roller coaster that they try to create for you my ex-wife that was a malignant narcissist literally became violent towards me looking back it was actually kind of comical throw a temper tantrum like a child

Nancy Alexander - they hate it when you wake up. Beware!!

@@junegerber4028 I am!

@@greenspider1598 I so am experiencing it right now. And that stage is lasting too long

@@summydots the process of building boundaries and healing and regaining who you used to be after the years of abuse takes a long time and you were probably a victim of narcissistic abuse because you were probably programmed by your parents at an early age to be a victim I had a narcissistic mother and then I ended up with a narcissistic wife they were both malignant they were both extremely violent aggressive and detrimental to me you don't regain from that overnight it takes time and then one day you're going to feel some really weird feeling it's almost like boredom you're not going to understand it or know what to do with it it's called Happiness it's called calmness I never had it it took me till I was 49 years old to even allow myself to feel something like that

I’m in that mind set right now and only with the help of her videos and the comment section have I woken up to the fact I have made myself physically sick trying to stick it out for my son. 9 years too long!

Vicki Schulz same here. 30 long years

Left him mentally a long time ago, but will be married 30 years this year. I pray this is the year I leave him.

@@15gilsonrd ok stay in alive, actions

Wow. It's like the magic number or something. It's 30 years for me too. Smh. I feel so stupid for staying, yet at the end I got cancer twice and needed to stay for his health insurance to save my life. How ironic now that he is making me homeless, having to put my 6 old cats to sleep too early because shelters won't take them, and threatening my life again because I have been so sick that I became dependent on him. I'm at the point in my physical healing where I can start to get organized, packed and ready to go, but he's pulled the rug out from under me with extreme deceit in the divorce during my cancer illness and years of multiple surgical recovery to make me homeless. Married 30 years and homeless while he makes 200k and I'm still unable to work? How tf did this happen??? He kept me around for the tax benefits and to witness my helplessness during cancer treatment only. They are psychopaths, sadists and nothing but evil.

Congratulations

I agree. This is true in a lot of cases.

Yes, even if you have to go to a homeless shelter or an abused women's shelter with the kids, and use government assistance and community support and churches for support, that is so much better than staying. At least then your kids and you have a shot a healthy life. You can start over and get the kids in counseling. Lots of free counseling available if you cannot afford it or don't have insurance or a job to pay for it.

@@No._1_Karen Absolutely.

Mine exploited me financially, I stayed because I did not realise that he was a covert narc, I just knew something wasn’t right. However, I have seen other people who stayed with the narc because of their power and money and looked super miserable. My heart was breaking for them. I would rather live under a bridge than with a narc no matter how much money they have.

@@katalinmcewan It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't kind of thing. It's a tough situation either way. You're in for the fight of your life.

Are you going to leave?

L D Easier said than done. With marriage and children involved, you have to be very careful, practically furtive when trying to leave because a narc will not respond like a normal person.

Choose better for yourself and your kids. They'll thank you one day

Carpe Omnia sometimes hard things need to be done. Staying will also severely damage the children and can end up killing the partner. Sometimes you have to pick your hardship. Ease shouldn’t be made the deciding factor on necessary and sometimes life saving decisions.

The children suffer the most in these situations but if staying will protect them and shield them from all forms of direct abuse till they can protect them by telling the police and teachers or another adult... no matter what you do the children will be negatively affected by trauma and PTSD ... my children once they got to 9 and 14 begged me to leave cause they were physically sick and mentally sick too ... bitter pill to swallow... but Family court is not your advocate or rescue at all unless you’re rich rich rich to fight it out or pay the abuser off to stop the abuse... get the children in counseling now rather than later... no win situation here only ways to minimize the abuse to the children

Elizabeth Barton... there’s a mistake thinking that you see “who they really are” or that they are someone separate from the disorder. They are not. A personality disorder is not like cancer... it’s not a foreign entity inside them. It is their very core way thinking, seeing, being.... it IS their personality. Whatever you think you are seeing is not real... it is literally a false human persona walking in a human body. When someone shows you what they are... believe it.

Elizabeth Barton , I felt the same way you’ve explained it. I kept hoping that there was a chance that he would see that I was a good person and appreciate me. But he continued to do horrible things to me to destroy me mentally. I am now much stronger. I was strong then, but I had been in previous relationships where it didn’t work out because of me speaking up for myself. As soon as I stood up for myself or my values, they left. So when I met him, I thought I had met the “one”. He knew that and boy did he exploit the situation. He had me feeling that I wasn’t worthy of his love or attention. I felt like I was always doing a “song and dance” to keep him home with me and the kids!! It really wore on my psyche. I had a very stressful job as an police officer and I needed to come home to peace! But when I came home feeling “good” about my day helping others, he would immediately start at me! One day, I came home in a good mood and he said I came home walking into the house like a “dyke!” Really?? I was so mad and I asked him how do so call “dykes” walk into a house?? He was a trip! I’m a tall, slender woman and he would tell me things like, “ you’re built like a man!” I am not and my male friends said he was just jealous of you. I started doubting everything about me. Am I ugly, am I stupid, etc???? He wanted so much to control me so I wouldn’t think more of myself and question why am I with this fool? It took me years with him (9 yrs married) and 4 years dating to get out of it. But let me be the first to say this, it was the best thing I EVER DID!! I feel so much better now. It’s been 17 yrs I’ve been away. I am single and I don’t think marriage will ever be something I want again. He left a nasty taste in my mouth. I think they’re some good men out there but now that I’m older, I value my “peace” so much now. I don’t like drama and people who try to use other people!

that's just the thing: "who they really are"; are they though? or is it just what they want you to see to pull you in?

This is the hardest to wrap your mind around. It is the absolute truth !!! Their lack of empathy, cruelty and ruthlessness is astounding. Believe me in the end I saw the no conscience and it took me several years to come to grips with this. They are even worse then what they show you !!! I did see the mask completely come off but not everyone does One time after 7 years ... after the year long horrific discard I was explaining to him How bad he hurt me for the 100th time ( I had severe ptsd) Anyway he said “ I feel no pain and that is bad “ That was the closest ever to him admitting who he was ... I was kind of shocked he even texted me that Believe this !!

The cognitive dissonance is strong with narcissists. I feel you so deeply.

36 for my dad

WOW 🤦Me Too Also My Husband & Son Am Taking Actions To Leave I Have Too Be Secretive I Have No One I Can Trust God Is With Me!God Is With All Of Us❤️❤️❤️❤️🌹💪💪💪💪💪🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏Thank You God Blessed!

47 for me

I only realized in the last year upon finding ramanis videos and I’m 47.

50 for my parents

Congratulations..That's beautiful

I actually meant inconsistently consistent. Lol you know what I meant.

Angel D did your mom ever change?

@@jiensuyang3915 Change for the worse with more years, often. Similar situation, dysfunctional family; run; it is a toxic game with harm to self. Run and be healthy. Mom & Dad are crazy? Leave.

I'll take the blessings but you can keep the lice lol

@@No._1_Karen i am sorry to hear this. but i have experienced it . did u attract mean ppl into your life due to her? did ur life get better when u quit ur mother? pl tell me , its helps a lot to hear from others. women like us wired to be alone and never get help and never connect. we r lucky that we can connect online for guidance

My narcissistic mother that was the most violent most dangerous person I've ever known in my life died a few years back I completely understand running away and having no contact I literally got a call from a social worker telling me that she was dying and I can hear her in the background telling the lady what to say I literally told the lady how absolutely vile and evil my mother was and I wasn't going to go see her

Dena Pitter my ex boyfriend is like that. He acts like he loves cats and feels so sad for stray animals. Has to save them. He super sensitive to people and feels bad for the. Then says people are so horrible and untrustworthy and he is such a good person. Literally tells you he’s a good person 🙄 He’s a seething bat shit crazy force of evil and chaos. Nothing I’ve ever seen before.

My ex was like this. He acted like he was so caring and wanted to help everyone, but once I got close to to him I realized that was not true, at all. He was always talking about people in a mean-spirited way and telling me that I needed to stop caring so much about everyone, except him, of course. Plus, he was always going on and on about how he'd always give people the shirt off his back and would do anything for people, but always ended up being taken advantage of. Firstly, the whole time I knew him, no one took advantage of him and the one situation that, I guess, could be thought of that way, HE put himself into it because he wanted to impress his hockey club. When he told me he signed up to be, what was basically the equipment manager, I told him he probably shouldn't do it because it sounded like it was going to be a lot of work and he was already complaining that he had too much to do. I have no idea what the so much to do was, though. Anyway, he complained all the time about how everyone expected him to do everything to keep up with the equipment and who had what, but that was literally the job he took, basically asked for. Secondly, if you're so good, you don't have to go around telling people that all the time, they'll figure it out from your actions. So, the fact that he always had to tell people that tells me he wasn't showing it with his actions, so he couldn't have been that good; it was all pretend.

BooDotBoo girl that is sooooo my experience as well. Exactly

@@Herekittykitty01 girrrrrl

@@BooDotBoo Your boyfriend was right at least on one point. Many people cannot be trusted.

Once you know, YOU GO.

@me first this time Denial is strong. Just because part of you knows, doesn’t mean you believe it. I left when I believed it.

@KZfaq Commenter We both picked each other for a lot of reasons, mostly trauma based. The difference is I’m healing now because I’ve learned what I was really chasing. He never will.

The second guessing is what gets you. You start to get that belief that things aren't right, but with the way the narc goes from nasty to nice and gaslighting you, you just never know what is truth.

Same

Antonio Wikstrand , please let me assure you that you did the right thing and left. It will be hard for awhile to get over the horrible things you endure. But you will. You’ll get stronger. I went through 9 years and I was an police officer. He called me stupid, weak, cry baby, etc. But when I listened to that “little voice” inside my gut who kept telling me that you are fine just the way you are, I was on my way! I got stronger mentally and the rest of me followed. He couldn’t stop me then. I got a lawyer and it took 4 years to get my divorce. He drugged it on that long by never coming to court with the appropriate paperwork. But I endure. It was one of the worst trimester in my life but I had to do it. Now I am living a wonderful life and I will never contact that “monster” again!! Hang in there Hon!

@Vinyl Skitzo Oh man let me tell you the first months are the worst! It's the trauma bonding we're experiencing. I was also scared as hell for not ever being loved again, but the truth is we were never actually loved. The day we'll feel actual love, we'll for sure laugh at how we once were so scared of never being loved as the narcissist "loved us", or should I rather say love bombed us. My advice for you is to remind yourself that being scared of not feeling what we felt during the love bombing stages is like thinking "oh I'm so scared of not ever being abused again"... that helped me a lot. It helped me face the truth, and the truth of being emotionally abused for a long time is terrifying, but it's a lesson learnt. We'll get through it man! Also think about it like this; the narcissist chose us because we clearly are empaths with a lot of love to give. I'm sure plenty of other sane, loving women would see that within us as soon as we can get back to our true selves. Also remember, life can really be beautiful without a partner in it as well. Give yourself time!

@@terridavis-cole7178 Oh god... you must really feel proud of yourself! Thank you for sharing your story with me/us! I'm sorry that happened to you, but from what I can tell you've truly come out stronger from that experience. I'm looking forward to being in that strong mental state that you seem to be in! Again, thanks for sharing!

Antonio They don’t change! The reason they don’t because they don’t like to admit they’re wrong. If they admit that, that have to admit “all”! These people are like vampires! I stayed in that relationship too long

But I learned how to walk away!

Me too, the cognitive dissonance is mind boggling. Still cannot believe that his nice side was only an illusion. 😢 He was the love of my life and best friend. 😭

It hurts so bad I know! But we all got this! ♥️♥️♥️

Thanks! ☺️💕

How are you doing today?

He WAS an asshole who was abusing you. Don't let an unofficial or even official diagnosis change your thinking. It's merely a tool to drive treatment which 99.9% of them don't think they need anyway.

Im in this shit for 23 years,i have 39 yrs old,last year i found out of this kind of abuse,what the narcissist are and how they kill you r soul

@@tranquility9325 i vahe also 2 surgeries in my spine😞

I’m praying for you 🙏 I felt relief when I got out it’s been almost 1 year

Sounds so similar to my story 15 years, I haven't even seperated yet but working on it.

My story is very similar. I really hope it won’t take 5 years to recover from though. I will always remember how much in love I was with his false persona. It seemed so mutual at the time, however, I knew something was off, just wasn’t sure what.

I read this then realized you are a guy. That always amazes me. I feel like i was just rescued from a bunker and any man not like the narc is a mirage. Kudos to you for healing.

@@betweenames well, it was a guy who caused my hell so guess I must be the rare exception haha

Callie Mosher, you deserve better

You were not the failure. The other person was broken.

@@mildredchester Amen!

Why do narcs like to get others involved when you're at a breaking point with them. Need these others to win credit points for them, add new coins to the bag of emotions while breaking-up.

Yeah we get down on ourselves because we have wasted precious time. During that wasteful time we also went through hell and suffering. But we can only proceed at that time with the totality of the resources we possessed. But now you are better resourced, that will never ever happen to you again. If anyone tries i imagine your boot will be right up their ass as you watch them fly to the curb.

Caroline Cat I pray he leaves me - Like you, I’m so afraid I will never leave!

Same thing here… I’m struggling.

Congratulations to you! I too left after 27 years. After I lost all hope. Stay strong and be careful. Don't get drawn back in, and they will try. Block his #, don't meet with him alone unless it is a public place. He may get frantic (and dangerous) when he realizes he has lost control over you. My narc committed suicide but didn't take anyone with him.

Kelly Written so. Welll.I am you and you are me.I want out.You are brought up to except abuse.You did what you thought was right at the Time!!!! Pray for him!!!he is is product of a narc and you did not know.It takes money,a car to leave,I was taught to endure.Even churches know nothing about it!!!!

Very relatable the cycle continues down the generations if we are not careful. Me, narc ex (20 yrs married) now oldest son, 31, is exhibiting signs of NPD & has cut me out of his life. Even when he & his narc dad were at loggerheads.... very sad all of it 😢

@@anneofgreengables1619 I understand completely. My daughter who wanted to leave home because of narc father has cut ties with other siblings and myself. It really hurts, we were so close. She apparently keeps contact with father, she has realtionship with one of his ex co workers who is 20+ years older 1,000 Kms away. She told me she wished she was an only child and showed it

Margaret McRae It’s truly heartbreaking 😰

Vallap Baby I wish I knew this 6 years ago and actually understood what that meant. Ah well lesson learnt. Never again. Fist sign of narcissism - RUUuuunnn

@@paris8780 i ran. but sometimes doubt creeps in. i know this is wrong.. i feel pulled back in.

Honestly til I broke

THIS is the saving grace...it was a watershed moment for me. 🙄

YES YES Amen❤️💪🌹🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

I know it seems impossible while you're in the midst of the horrors and misery of being in a relationship with a narcissist but you have a bright and beautiful future, full of healing and peace waiting for you. Claim back your freedom and inner peace. Don't rule out drastic measures (such as homeless shelters. Or leaving all your material possessions etc. Whatever it takes) I hope all goes well with you. Sending love and encouragement. We see you and believe you. from someone who has been there.

Stella Woods,your lovely smile can make the news!