When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you can’t tell if you’re their partner or their babysitter.

Its so uncanny how all narcs think and act the same way. As if they all did a course.." how to be a narc "

Narcissists cannot be reasoned with. They live in their own world where they think that they’re gods who can never go wrong. They expect everyone to be a part of their reality where everyone has to agree with them on everything. It’s like nobody is allowed to have an opinion on anything in their own little imaginary world.

They will always find some way to undermine you, to get you to behave how they want. Everything a narcissist does is manipulative.

Narcissist will never apologize.

1/ The Cycle Of Idealization Devaluation &Discard 2/ Gaslighting ⛽️ 3/ Smear Campaign /Turning Others Against You. 4/ Trying To Make You Jealous 5/. Hiding Their True Self!

My sister’s version of “Nobody’s perfect” is “I’m a work in progress”. I’m over here wondering where the progress is.

The statement of "I'm sorry that you feel that way" is a cowardly cop-out to taking responsibility for hurting someone.

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is such a cliché non-apology it doesn’t fool anyone. It’s bewildering that manipulative people still use it.

My narcissistic older sister once amazed me by offering to apologise (because I'd informed her that we would not continue any connection without it). She then stipulated, "But I need to know what you want me to apologise for, and not some long laundry list of grievances." I tried to gently consolidate her many acts of rudeness over the decades as: her consistent pattern of condescending, humiliating, mocking, demeaning, and harshly judgemental attitude and behaviours toward me (I didn't mention the pervasive gaslighting). Her "apology" was, "Well, I'm sorry if I came across that way. I don't know how I'm supposed to apologise if you won't give me anything specific." This was the best she's ever offered. She then quickly demanded an apology from me for every time I argued with her (aka defiance against her mistreatment of me). I don't talk to her anymore.

00:24 - I'm sorry you feel that way 09:46 - Grow Up 17:38 - You're being too sensitive 21:31 - No one is going to believe you 29:48 - Nobody's Perfect

Some narcissistic don’t even said the word Sorry

"You're not so easy to get along with yourself either" is one that comes to my mind.

My sister had said to me ‘I’m sorry you feel that way.’ I told her ‘No, you’re sorry that I’m calling you out on your bad behavior and that’s a poor apology.’ I enjoyed the video, and learning how to deal with my narcissistic sister-I call her out every time and she-hates it, but it needs to be done-I won’t allow her to silence me, nor get away with her bad behavior.

"Well life's not fair," I've heard too many times. While true, it shouldn't be true within a family. Family should be going out of their way to try to make things fair for all members.

I had a narc sister in law scream at me to ‘grow up’ at a family dinner because I keep healthy boundaries around her and don’t engage in the drama. Can’t win no matter what I do . Seeing truths and prioritizing my wellbeing and safety. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

"I'm sorry you feel that way." Ugh. This is abuse in the cloak of an apology.

I've never heard a narcissist say sorry😮

When I've spoken up and said I feel I've not been treated fairly, I've been told repeatedly: "I don't need this from you. I have enough problems in my life right now." This answer in various ways over and over. The light has finally turned on for me. 💡

I just got out of a toxic relationship with a guy two days ago. I started using that phrase “I’m sorry you feel that way” with him when he was throwing another tantrum, which happened about every 4 to 5 days. I was trying to make the relationship work. But 6 weeks was long enough. I see now I might have used better language. He told me in that last conversation that he purposefully started every single fight in order to “test” me and that I had “failed”. In the end I’m glad that I didn’t ever stoop to his level.

“I can’t help the way you feel” after I risked telling a loved one how I felt after being mistreated by them.

Add..." I thought I was doing the right thing" is one I still get often.. As they do the OPPOSITE of the" right thing"

My attitude is a result of the narcissist's actions. If the narcissist doesn't like my attitude. They should blame themselves, but they won't.

My older mother says, 'Im sorry you interpreted that way'. So not only is she dismissing her snooping, lies, and such; but then does a passive aggressive condescending dig at my intelligence and sanity. It wears me down.

Recently i heard few responses to gaslighting statement and this one was Number 1. Response was: dont apologise for my feelings, apologise for what you did.

As an empath, that phrase has never been part of my vocabulary. It is meant to dismiss, nullify, and divert the offended party, and I've always seen it exactly for what it is: a blow-off. My response to this phrase is presentation of facts: "You did indeed say....., I did not imagine it, and that is not an apology." Ball now in their court. Non-narcs will generally get real and truly understand and sincerely apologize. Narcs will deny, accelerate the argument, and show themselves. It's actually an excellent indicator of what we're dealing with.

When i talk to my husband about his behaviour he tells me im asking for someone perfect and i will not find better than him

Being told that life's too short to "hark back and rake over" when trying to tell the person why they hurt you during an incident only months before. And "it's family life!"

My ex had a perfect mask in public. He fooled counselors who believed his personality, not realizing the monster underneath that he kept hidden so well. But, his eyes, once he got it built up to attack me, would go black, and once he struck, after a few minutes, the switch flipped, and he would tell me I "overreacted" etc etc ...and no one believed me. I was alone and finally that was enough for me.

One I've often encountered in such situations is 'You're such an unhappy person.' or 'What a sad person you are.' (Also used to describe others who voice concerns about their behaviour.) This invalidates your legitmate feelings by presenting them as just a symptom of your inability to be 'happy'. It also implies that they are well adjusted and happy, while you're an emotional mess, or to put it another way, their life is great while yours sucks.

“I’m sorry you feel that way.” It’s like they’re physically incapable of speaking or acknowledging they did something wrong. Cognitive dissonance?

I always thought it wasn't empathy. Its a way of making the person emotionally responsible for the entire situation. Narcissist are the ones who deserve that kind dismissal.

My mow ex husband told me my standards were too high when I took him to task for his misbehaviors. Apparently he wanted me to accept his chronic lying and bad financial decisions that he used as an excuse to dump full responsibility for bills onto me.

My husband used to tell me: you're too sensitive, you need to grow up, talk to me when you grow up, you're such a cry baby... (edit: future ex husband)

My (elderly) mom recently said to me “You have no compassion”. Which is entirely untrue. She was merely unhappy with a choice I had made which temporarily affected my brother and his plans. It was at this point, after years of belittling comments, I finally told her calmly yet assertively she does not get to use demeaning and diminishing language on me. Took her completely by surprise and she walked away, has been respectful since. Thus far. I refuse to be the family scapegoat any longer. Unacceptable. Take care everyone and stay safe.

He says it every single time I try to have an adult conversation with him.

My narcissistic friend added to the sentence «sorry you feel this way - have you talked to your shrink about why you are angry?” After I had stated my logic, well documented arguments.

I once had no contact with my mother for a couple of months. She texted me and said "I'm sorry for whatever." That hurt how little effort she put into that apology.

And here's another: "it wasn't my INTENTION to hurt you..." Your INTENTION is irrelevant.

That phrase has always sounded condescending to me, even mean, therefore I have never said that to anyone. Thank you for breaking it down for us, maybe now we will all stop hearing it as much. Peace today.

Really helpful video . Narcissist uses word games to cover for their stupid, or abuse behavior. They never admit they did anything wrong ever .

My second husband of 10 yrs said it often! Finally I said- save it and your non-apology-don’t believe you! Then he went to his supporters and said- I tried to apologize to her and she refused to accept it now! I didn’t know then what I know now but my answers speeded up the discard of me!😢😅❤

I just cannot ever get over treating them with respect and empathy while I am being consistently abuse for decades... For me, I'll express my anger at them... I feel that is is not my job "understand" them, if they never understand me... Thx 👍❤❤❤

Yeeess. The statement "I may not be a perfect man but a good man" deflecting bad behavior. No one that is a good man has to say that they are. A good man or just a good person in general just be good to others and just simply see it without saying they are "good person"

My whole life has been full of these people. My parents were physically and emotionally abusive narcs who wore a grandiose mask until the day they died. I don’t know if it was ever spoken, but I knew as a child that no one would ever believe me. They looked so “perfect” to the outside world. Then my long term relationships mirrored this, and it’s taken me most of my life to see what’s going on. My ex used these phrases on me, especially “grow up, you just need to accept” and “I’m sorry you feel that way” which always felt like a slam rather than empathy. I’d also get “poor baby”. Ugh ugh ugh

My mother did not need to tell me no one would believe me. She always bragged about me in public and ripped me to shreds in private

I have never said that to anybody. Not even once! But a narcissist did tell me, " I can't change your perception of me." 🤢🤢🤮

*1:04** i’m triggered already😂 these terms ring through my head and you’re left feeling guilty, confused, annoyed and anxious. Thank you so much for making this content it makes a HUGE difference knowing you’re not going insane and are just dealing with a narcissistic person*

It's another tricky way of rejecting responsibility for their mistakes and to carry shame, suspicion onto you. It's impossible for a narcissist to say "It's my fault, I was wrong and I hurt you". Don't expect to hear something like that. Thanks again Dr. Ramani❤

My kids are all in on the “I’m sorry you feel that way” as a non-apology apology and now say it to not really apologize because they have all heard their father saying it and they know it is empty and a gaslight.

Oh, boy. Do these sound familiar. I had a miscarriage last year and my dad said absolutely nothing about it because he has the emotional intelligence of a toddler and is more concerned with the idea of being a grandpa making him "old." So, when I confronted him about how I felt like he was completely ignoring the worst thing that's ever happened to me, he literally responded with "I'm sorry you feel that way." He also has framed the "you’re being dramatic/sensitive," excuse as a joke my whole life in response to my various emotional reactions so I wouldn't recognize it as manipulation. My mom, on the other hand, has used variants of "grow up," "you're being too sensitive," and "nobody's perfect." So, any time I was expressing an emotion she found inconvenient with tears, she'd say, "don't worry, you'll stop crying so much when you mature emotionally." ..completely ignoring the fact that she's emotionally immature because she can't even be around other people's justified, negative emotions without invalidating them because the focus is off of her pain for once. Also, she'll use a variant of the "nobody's perfect," excuse to excuse her actions while also fishing for compliments and reassurance about her bad parenting by saying things like, "I probably wasn't the best mother, but you know, no one can be perfect." This coming after a childhood full of having my emotions invalidated and struggles mocked and compared to hers. She wouldn’t seem satisfied with my response unless I jumped to something like, "oh.. no.. you did a good job," even though it was clearly a lie to make her feel better. Lastly, my grandma, my mom's enabler, uses something I've heard you talk about in other videos. Now that I've made it clear I don’t want to give my mom any more chances, she says things like, "you just don’t know how to forgive," as though I'm not truly forgiving unless I go back to someone toxic and let them abuse me all over again, but here's the kicker.. she also points out that I never heal even though that's because I keep being shamed into taking the abuser back. Her solution is "well, next time you'll be less vulnerable," like my feelings on the abuse are the real problem. And if I happen to take issue with how she, personally, has treated me over the course of my life and how repeating those patterns calls up the issues from my childhood, she wraps it all up with a nice, "oh, get over it." Sorry this is long, but this one really resonated with me. I'm a first time commenter as well and just wanted to thank you for your wonderful channel and all your hard work. I've seen counselors and psychiatrists all my life and they haven't given me even a fraction of the tools that you have. You’re very much appreciated! 💓

"I'm sorry for any unintended hurt you feel I caused."

“You are telling me that you feel hurt. I get that. I feel hurt, too. “ That’s more honest than me offering an obligatory “I’m sorry,” when I disagree with the accusations the narcissist/gaslighter just projected onto me.

What's worst than individual gaslighting is "Group gaslighting "...those phrases are way to general and used to often to dismiss or invalidate a person's experience. Instead of actually addressing the matter they start "grey rocking" 🤦🏾‍♂️🤷🏾‍♂️its very interesting to witness people who are in the wrong double down on their stance of perpetuation

I can honestly say that I have never said "I'm sorry you feel that way." It has always something like a bunch of crap to me.

It’s such a brilliant pseudo apology to say “I’m sorry you feel that way”. It’s almost like telling someone who lost a family member “l’m sorry for your loss”. Only in the second case, the speaker did not cause the death of the other person’s loved one.

I've used those words out of being passive aggressive on situations towards an ill mannered person/people. But when it's untentional and I've offended or hurt someone it's, "I'm sorry I made you feel that way."

They didn't preface their statement with I'm sorry etc.Instead they said this is going to make you mad😢

I'm a narcissist and I have said I'm sorry you feel that way. I did not notice it being narcissistic until right now. Thank You Dr Ramini.

Thank you for putting this together. I can relate to all of these. The one that irks me the most is the first one, "I'm sorry you feel that way." I call that the non apology apology.

I am literally sorry about the way a narcissist feels. I will try not to say this to them again.

I’ve heard this most from therapists. Never any “I’m sorry” from the narcissistic parent unless he was in a position and trying to get me back to take care of him.

amazing video I love when Dr. Ramani catches these jerks out! Another narc phrase is : when you tell them, you love them, they say I love you more. That’s when i’m going to say “i’m sorry you feel that way “ :) Actually I won’t, i just stop talking to these walls… err, people.

My Ex 😳King Narcissist has never used the word sorry period.

Yep, I've said it. The (possible) narcissist friend, on multiple occasions: I'm not responsible for how you respond to things I say/do, that's on you. Me: Okay, that makes logical sense. The (possible) narcissist friend: *ranting and raving and belittling, accusing me of things I haven't done and demanding an apology* Me: I'm sorry to hear you're feeling that way. The (possible) narcissist friend: *implodes with rage*

!!! Thank you for validating this. I cringe when I have heard my ex-friend said this. After much reflection & a deep dive I realize how much my relationships reflected my relationship with my Mother. My mother shows characteristics of a neglectful narcissist. This response from my ex-friend when & others in the past over situations that were impactful situations to which said person would say this response was hurtful in what felt like the most unempathetic and dismissive way. Thank you for another insightful and impactful video! ❤

I have had this said to me and I wish it was legal to slap narcissists when they say that!!! I ALWAYS say I’m sorry for what I DID and also that I won’t do it again and truly regret it. I am sorry for what I did. Period.

One I’ve heard my entire life from parents and relationships is “I’m sorry I’m not perfect like you.” 😢 No accountability whatsoever

When I ask people to not use my name (Karen) as dehumanization, insult, pejorative, hate, ridicule - they go HARD on the "grow up - if you're not that person, it doesn't apply to you." They get more insulting and hurtful. Names are identities. I've had my name for over 6 decades, and my parents gave it to me lovingly. The bullying and ugliness people do to justify their hurting of a stranger because their name is Karen, is extremely narcissistic.

When I worked for a major retailer, some of their training included using the phrase I'm sorry you feel that way and their reasoning behind it was that you are putting the responsibility onto the customer pushing it back at them, whether it's your fault or their fault you're still keeping them from being able to put the blame on you. I absolutely hated that phrase because I know what it means and I know that my boss used to use that towards us whenever we had a grievance because they didn't want to have to deal with our grievances and it is very belittling. It is very condescending. It is the ultimate of disrespect. It is telling the other person it's not my problem it's your problem and you need to deal with it and if you can't deal with it you're either dumb or crazy but it's not me and I'm not taking responsibility for it because it's your problem. It is a way of putting a shield or a cocoon around yourself so that you cannot be held responsible for anything that you do and you can do whatever you want to the other person and still throw it back in their face

I have heard this so much from the narcissist, that when I started to stand up for myself with that individual I found myself saying it to him.

”Mind Your language!” Agree, we take on language that narcissists use, and also language stemming from new age although we don’t adhere to that sort thinking. Language matters ”mind Your language!”

06:00 yes I've used it when angry and confused over their behavior. At a certain point I stopped saying sorry for things that I shouldn't be sorry for and would sometimes say I'm sorry you feel that way, that wasn't my intention. The braver response would have been simply "I don't agree with you" but I wasn't there yet.

Dr R, i always want to.say the way I've usually had this said to me takes it to the NEXT Gaslight level. It goes... (ta daaa): "I'm sorry IF you feel that way". Officially a trigger post a couple of years of it. Ps: Thanks for all you do. Happy 2024.

Saying I'm sorry when you've done something wrong, but what about I'm sorry for how you feel to a narcissist when they're trying to blame you for their feelings

My experience was that it was true.From my doctors, to the psychiatrist to the social worker to my kids teachers - no one believed me and even if I didn’t say anything about what he was doing, the general assumption that his talking behind my back was true made them all treat me as if I was a potentially dangerous crazy person. I should either stay with my partner and let him take care of me or, after I left him, I should let him have custody of the kids and accept limited, supervised contact with them, for their sakes. It was a nightmare! I got through it because my oldest knew that how he was treating me was wrong and wanted to live with me, and both were able to come and ask me if the things he was saying were true. I was pretty impressed, considering they were 12 and 8.

"I'm sorry you feel that way." - This phrase really IS a thing! Once a person that was engaged in a narcissistic relationship said exactly that to me. The person itself wasnt narcissistic, but now i know where that phrase came from. Back then it really hurt me and caught me off guard. REMEMBER THAT PHRASE! Remember this video!

It’s been really difficult to realize that the majority of conversations I’ve had with my family of origin is and always will be based on manipulations and entitlements.

I’ve actually read articles online in my early 20s where ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ is a way to apologise without apologising.

OMG.....mouth dropped over the "im sorry you feel that way" line....CRAZY! Thats a favorite in the narc playbook!

I have heard, "I am sorry you feel that way, you shouldn't feel that way." WAY TO Much in my life from "loved ones." Not anymore. Wishing everyone freedom!!!

Dr Ramani, I have been married to The Narcissist, that you’re talking about, is my husband! Going through All the Stages of physical and mental abuse, I am in the last stage where I have discovered Serial Cheating, physical and emotional abandonment- now, I’m exhausted! and in a paralysis mode! Thank God, I have found you! Your words and analysis give me so much help and support, on top of Clarity that I have needed for so long- I just can’t have enough of you! I thank you from the bottom of my heart! Please continue and continue --

She said it me: I’m sorry you feel that way, along with “I love you but I’m not in love with you”

My mom's favorite non-apology is .."well, we just remember things differently". Yea, we sure do. I remember what actually happened and not her distorted version that shifts blame onto everyone but her. My brother constantly excuses her hurtful behavior by using the "nobody's perfect" dodge whenever I bring up how she makes me feel. So I simply stopped acknowledging what she does to be hurtful and hateful. I ignore it. But since I stopped trying to engage with her when she acts ugly, other people are noticing without me having to point it out. Look y'all, my mom just turned 82 years old and I know she's never going to change. And I don't care anymore 💁‍♀️

It's not healthy to give an apology to everyone who thinks they are owed one. It can be the way of letting the narcissist into your life or encouraging a narcissist to be worse. And once you apologize to a narcissist it only gets worse.

My husband loves to tell me to "grow up" when I exhibit anything resembling disapproval of the way he treats me. Now that I know it's just another weak little nerf arrow in his arsenal, it doesn't hurt as much.

I started telling my narc I dont give af instead of "im sorry you feel that way".

I’m almost 40 and outside of my father and husband and a handful of others are the only people I know that are capable of genuine apologies and behavior change. It seems to be an epidemic in our society, narcissistic person or not. I don’t understand why personal accountability is so hard.

I’ve said it, instead of saying I’m sorry

My MIL loves to use “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry you misunderstood me” when she “apologizes” to me.

Seriously, does a person decide I want to be a narcissist and there are schools they attend to learn it all? How is it they all act the same way, use the same words/phrases, treat people the same way? It is so bizarre!!

I told him there’s enough care and love for the kids, priorities and him. I told him he didn’t live in an infinite void of himself. They don’t understand that everyone’s feelings are valid

LOVE ❤️ this phrase: WELL-INTENTIONED BUT TOXIC (which is applicable to so many things!)

The one I hear the most is "I love you" or "You are a dear friend" followed by them trashing me with them failing to ever own their part in things. Now when I hear "I love you" I think to myself that's gaslighting in it's purest form.

My narc ex-boss once said in a very condescending tone “Well, I put my big girl pants on in the morning before I come to work” after I called her out about one of the many unfair or problematic things she did. To me, it felt similar to the grow up statements and felt like an infantilizing jab. These videos (and my therapist) helped me SOOO much while leaving that toxic work environment, thank you! ❤

I’m glad you brought this up because I thought this was supposed to be a good thing to say to validate somebody’s feelings when l you disagree. I have said it myself!!😮

From the age of 6 my mom taught me to say “I’m sorry you feel that way” as a way of apologizing to my friends. I never understood why I was seen as mean/rude until starting therapy.

I’m so grateful to have found resources like this. It brings me back to my first great therapist, who validated my experiences and honestly saved my life because the constant gaslighting was starting to make me doubt my reality. Thank you Dr Ramani for everything!

We grew up with all 5 phrases. Yet at a very young age we knew this was not a relationship, it was a war for our lives. My siblings and I started a quiet guerrilla warfare to stay alive. We did "grow up" and we needed to be "too sensitive" for our protection.

I was told to make the statement to prevent myself from getting sucked in to the fight. It never worked. I appreciate you sharing this and some alternatives.