I think the "cool girl" was born by narcissistic men critizicing women for wanting respect and love. Because I remember being called neurotic, needy, crazy etc. Just for wanting respect and love. 😢

A lot of “cool girls” present as strong, but they have no boundaries, people please, and do as they’re told. Narc paradise.

I believe the cool girl grew up in chaos & she just wants to keep the peace. She's not good at confronting ppl about their behavior. It even takes her a while to realize she's being disrespected. She just thinks that some ppl just don't know any better. She's angry inside & eventually she blows up & everyone looks surprised. They thought she was so nice, until she loses it. We all get tired of their detestable behaviors!!!

"I don't like drama" on a dating profile = "I can't handle being called out for my narcissistic behaviors"

Low maintenance, setting the bar low, chill, cool girl. Abusive men look for pre-abused women without a strong sense of self defense and without a healthy, protective family or friend group. Then they isolate her.

I'd be willing to bet that behind a good many "cool girls" is a narcissistic parent who taught them early that having healthy expectations of others' behavior and consideration for them was selfish.

Anytime I hear "go with the flow", "ride or die", "chill", or anything similar, I automatically understand that is not an environment for me.

Boundaries are so uncool, said every narcissist ever.

"THey want a girl who likes every effing thing they like and never complains"--the Cool Girl monologue from Gone Girl.

Cool = doormat/people pleaser

Basically why men look for much younger partners

I've always been the cool girl. I ended up chronically ill.

It's exhausting trying to be cool with a Narcissist. The body starts to rebel with rashes, weight loss, sudden attacks of nausea, anxiety, insomnia.... Until you learn this is toxic .

He LITERALLY said he valued me because “you don’t hold long-term grudges, only short-term ones” and “even when I disappear, you have me back”. The SECOND I cut the cool girl act and asked for clarification about the relationship, he was out of there.

My ex had the nerve to say, " He loved the attention we got while out in public".... Narcs wanna be with anyone that'll get them the attention they would never receive by themselves...it's all about image

After so much struggles I now own a new house and my family is happy once again everything is finally falling into place!!

Narcissists SHOP for their victims. They align themselves to their victims. They watch and ask questions, then appear to have the same things in common. It is very important to not listen but OBSERVE the shark before you are consumed.

As a former “cool girl” I can attest that narcissists both rewarded that behaviour and shamed me if I didn’t just roll with the punches

One time he was so proud of me, he said because I had finally learned to “control my emotions.” I was applauded for becoming his puppet, 4years and I had completely lost myself and senses. This helped me realize how disgusted he made me feel deep down

I was a cool girl and was raised by a narcissist mom who molded me into someone who will excuse everything she did and not raising my voice and calling her out. When I learned in therapy that my mom's a narcissist and I was allowed to have needs, my self centered then boyfriend was freaking out because I was suddenly "uncomfortable and mean and selfish and yelling and a psychopathic maniac", judging by his reality, while my therapist was laid back and proud of me to finally get angry and confronted both with their bullying and gaining my voice back. Boy, both hated it and I was sued by mom and I had to pay her lawyers fee after she died,.. If you regain your voice, be prepared for starting a war!!

Society conditions women to be "cool" and "low maintenance". Any needs we have or if we use our choice then we're "controlling" or "high maintenance" or neurotic/sensitive/hormonal etc. And yes, that's the plan. They want men to sign up to the servitude

I think many of us have gone through the 'cool girl' phase, thinking it would keep the man, but then realised it never got us anywhere. I shudder at the things I previously tolerated all because I didn't want to make a fuss.

In my relationship with narcissist I got sick - physically I was tired all the time, no matter how long I slept My head hurts I even got allergic reactions and random rashes on my skin No doctor knew what was happenning, nobody could help me guess what halped - break up. I am never again going to let someone disturb my peace of body and mind so badly.

Whoa - "That's not a relationship, that's servitude " 😮 🤯 mind blown!

I find that “cool girl” is a more complimentary term for “doormat”. This was the dynamic my parents had. Everyone absolutely loved my mother. She was bubbly, sweet, and fun. And dare I say, probably “cool” to a lot of people. Behind the scenes, she walked on egg shells around my verbally abusive and sadistically cruel father. I’m so glad I found this channel and finally understand the dynamic.

Be the person who breaks the cycle. If you were judged, choose understanding. If you were rejected, choose acceptance. If you were shamed, choose compassion. Be the person you needed when you were hurting, not the person who hurt you. Vow to be better than what broke you-to heal instead of becoming bitter so you can act from your heart, not your pain.

"In a healthy relationship, each partner is a custodian of the vulnerabilities of the other person." So beautiful.... but narcissists do not show their vulnerabilities to anyone, and they weaponize those of their partners.

What do you do when your mother is the narcissistic person and you are the cool daughter...and waste your life trying to figure out how to be loved by your mom. I feel exhausted, betrayed, abused and sick and beyond tired

When Narcissistic men say they want a woman to "be my peace" he is basically saying he wants the "cool girl"... wish I had not fallen for that so many times

„The opposite of cool is warm, the loveliest thing a person could be.“. What a great sentence ❤

I had people laugh at me for being a “Pick me” and switched to “Cool Girl”… both soul crushing

In my opinion narcissists target Sweet Innocent Girls who they can target and easily manipulate for supply supply supply. I can’t even tell you how many times my ex boyfriend(in my opinion is a narcissist) called me super super super sweet and used me soooooo much for almost a year and then I got the discard from him. They are MASTER MANIPULATORS. They go for Sweet Girls they target them.

I love the ‘it’s not about being cool but being real’. If I feel it’s hard to ‘be real’ around someone, and/or healthy, then I take a step back. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

I think sometimes it's not about being "cool", but about of the fear of rejection. When you learned at home that your needs are not important and you should not be a burden by asking for something that would make you feel good, you learn to keep everything for yourself and do everything by yourself. So maybe from the outside it looks like you are "cool", but in reality you are afraid of rejection and disappointment and you become a control freak when it comes to your own things.

Raised by a narcissistic father and a codependent mother with a golden child and a scapegoat older brother... There is no other way than being the "cool" girl to survive this madness. You are NEVER enough for them. That's why you should always be "cool" with everything. Even if your choices are confusing, divided and contradictory. It doesn't matter... It doesn't matter if you have boundaries, wants and needs.Because it doesn't matter who you are. All that matters is what serves them, in order for you to avoid abuse. You accept everything because you always walk on eggshells.

The “cool girl” culture pisses me off!!! Because I was raised like that, thinking that we women have to be “strong” and don’t care about feelings and being “open” and don’t “make a fuss” and I fell SO many times with jerks but in the culture we live in that’s what “makes you attractive”.

I was never cool with sharing. We were 15. He was a party boy and I was cool with that. We had a lot of fun when we were young. I grew up and he grew down over the next 35 years. He told me I wasn't cool anymore. I said, well I'm not in the 8th grade and I don't care about cool. He actually calls himself cool. It's like wisdom. I wise man doesn't have to tell others that he is wise.

Crazy thing about Cools Girls: they don’t want cool guys by their side. It is too much freedom. For friendship okay. But for intimate relationships, they get lost around cool guys. It’s like the narc works as the perfect compliment, because the first impression is that he gives you the sense of direction and safety, although all of this have a really high cost. You basically need to give up your identity to make it work.

This reminds me of when guys were using the phrase, "she wasn't chill enough," because she called him out on playing games.

Every time I check in with Dr. Ramani, it's a healing moment. ❤❤❤

The narcissist doesn't just text a word or two in the beginning. They send what you want and in detail and depth. Then they start changing it up, so it isn't as easy to learn... oh they aren't texting or communicating as well as you'd like... they almost communicate perfectly in the beginning. 😢

I'm cool with being single and being difficult with the wrong people for me. You earn time spend with me by adding value to what I already have. No time for anything else. I love my own company and can self-soothe and entertain. Narcissistic types give me a wide berth.

Cool girl is hot. Cool girl is game. Cool girl is fun. Cool girl never gets angry at her man.

I was the cool girl for far to long, not anymore, now I refer to the old me as the fool girl.

Avoid people like that, they’re severely out of touch with reality, and you will pay the price.

also do not hate on the cool girl, gently guide her (as friends, closed ones). she often needs reassurance and to understand boundaries and ppl pleasing is not healthy

I was crying with each and every WORD of yours. Because I felt ashamed of myself for letting them do this to me.

So true. Pathetically, I tried this, a long with lots of other girls like me, years ago and attracted a well known narcissist who was so abusive- we weren't even dating. He always said he loved how "cool" I was- that was in the honeymoon phase. Before he disgarded me for another cooler girl, I just went along with all his controlling ideas, bleached and wore my hair the way he wanted, dressed in what he wanted, and I wasnt ever granted a relationship. But he wanted all the perks with the ability to tell me what to do and if I disobeyed or got out of line I would be punished severely with stonewalling, screaming rages, or worse, smear campaigns. I also was made to have sex only on his terms and he was terrible in bed. It was crazy. Cool girls are glorified doormats. Be assertive and be yourself unapologetically. Don't sacrifice your integrity to please others. AND STAY AWAY FROM THESE CRAZY PREDATORS.

I used to always be the ‘cool girl’ and it brought me heartbreak and trauma. It’s hard for me to not be overly independent because I had to be to survive. Learning to healthily express myself. If someone doesn’t respect my boundaries and needs then I now know they aren’t good for me. I’d rather be healthy than ‘cool’. Or perhaps the ‘new cool’ can be ‘healthily expressing our own wants needs feelings boundaries and value’. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

Ex cool girl here. Dr Ramani, you are a total badass. I had this moment of clarity back in 2020 while in couples therapy with my ex narc.( i know i know, i saw the video after the therapy) The therapist legit told me that I needed to approach the relationship I was in, living with a closeted narc, without any "expectations." I wouldve burst into laughter if I weren't so offended. Before exiting the session I let them both know that was unacceptable. Being cool got us to this point and that newsflash, I DO have expectations. I expect to be treated with respect. Not lied to. Gaslight. Or manipulated. I expect my partner to show reciprocity and use his words when upset or triggered. Not check out. And that obviously we weren't on the same page. And this session and relationship was going nowhere. He proceeded to tell me we should have seperate sessions. Privately I told him my concerns and without actually saying the words he confirmed they were true. I've never been gone so quick in my life. Nothing more to discuss. With the therapist or the ex. Being a cool girl will kill you. If not physically most definitely emotionally. And im very warm and very alive doc! Great video. 👍🏽 per usual. Thanks and many blessings

I prided myself on being “low-maintenance,” aka cool.

Warm and real. Thank you, Doctor Ramani for being warm and real.

The whole Narcissist personality is designed to break boundaries. Someone told a story how the Nazi would bring a puppy to the new recruits let them bond, and then the soldiers would make them watch the dog's untimely death. At first the men would protest but eventually after several episodes of puppy bonding and then watching them killed, the men no longer protested or felt upset. This is not a great way to prepare your heart to meet your loving Heavenly Father. Guard your boundaries.

I think narcs are weak no matter how cool they pretend to be. If they'll get a cool girl they strenghten their own personality and outlook. Unfortunatelly this cool girl will have to be the real man in the relationship. Braver, stronger, defender of the weak as her weak man is not able/willing to be like that. Trust me: been there, done that.

My natal chart says, "You're like a gift to everyone else but that doesn't work out so well for you." - I considered myself to be a cool girl. Well, there are lessons to learn here. Thank you, Dr. Ramani. Namaste. 🙏

I played the “cool girl “ for a while during what I now know was a narcissistic relationship. I think I did this to try and make him think he didn’t hurt me as much as he thought he did. I now know that he quickly used this to his advantage. I had never experienced any type of relationship like that and was quite naive. I learned the hard way how there are truly awful people out there that don’t care about my feelings. Being single and lonely can really set you up for settling for less. I learned the hard way that it just wasn’t worth it. I value myself more than I need to be with someone.

You cant change them! Pull your energy back and let them go!

I'm reminded of a trial I was following where the "cool girl", a 35 yo live in girlfriend thought her almost 40 yo athlete boyfriend was cheating on her with a fellow cyclist aged 25. She stalked and unalived the young woman then fled to Costa Rica. She was captured and now sentenced to 90 years in prison. A promising you woman is gone forever and her now ex boyfriend is most likely seeing someone else.

Ex "Cool girl" here", I just ended up being tossed aside and gaslighted and hating myself for it at the end. The root of it was I saw the best of his efforts, believing and expecting that a guy would want to prove himself to me if we got serious, so why shouldn't I? All it did was push me to my limit of actually destroying my health. This is no joke. The root of it was, I have severe anxiety, self-doubt and insecurity issues, I'm recovering from MTD and depression right now due to severe childhood trauma and experiences in my life I'm better off forgetting, but the feeling from those still is there. I approach conversations with a more heartfelt, sort of empathetic approach. Always thinking from the other person's view. These guys like girls with "daddy issues", insecurity issues for that reason that these issues make us low enough and they don't see and respect that you're trying to recover, they lure you in with words and fake hope, but they have another motive in mind. They want to let out their worst on you and feed this sick sort of ego in them, they will have absolutely no shame about it. It's sick, because your struggles just encourages them to channel their worst on you, and this toxic cycle doesn't stop. It's shameful, terrible and plain disgusting. They get a boost out of the fear and control they can instill into you. Lesson to anyone out there: SET. YOUR. BOUNDARIES. If they're not a "cool girl/guy", why should you be for them? Let's get over the stereotypes that men are simple, women are complicated. We can find a lot of statistics that show that this is absolutely not true, and that we're all human at the end of the day who should be able to be aware of whats good and what's not. And i'm only saying men because it's my experiences as a straight woman, but obviously this applies to anyone. I always go back to the movie Joker now, because somewhere I completely get where he's coming from. When you're a kind, generous person always trying to balance things out in life never speaking from your perspective, and quiet in adjusting to situations every single time, people are so unforgiving and so inconsiderate that they'll just see you as something to laugh at and stomp on you for an ego kick. Very few people acknowledge. "It's enough to make anyone crazy".

*“Anarchism is founded on the observation that since few men are wise enough to rule themselves, even fewer are wise enough to rule others.” ―Edward Abbey*

Either your too needy or your trying to control them, you just can't win.✌

When I think “cool girl” I don’t think of someone who takes shit, people pleases, and goes along with everyone else’s expectations as “cool”. Generally I think of “cool girls” as women who are strong, capable, upfront, demand respect, know their worth, etc. “I have no needs/boundaries” isn’t cool, it’s pathetic.

It took me 5 years to heal from the emotional abuse and gaslighting done by a past relationship with a narcissist… this guy was obsessed with being cool and wanted me to be “cooler” by dismissing my needs. He showed no empathy whatsoever… when I finally brought it up he gaslighted me making me believe I was needy and crazy and ultimately it was break up for I never knew exactly what reason… Once I finally got over it the only thing I am able to say is: I'm so happy this person is not in my life today. Finally, you eventually learn to not making the same mistakes again surrounding yourself with such people. It’s not about being “cool”, it’s about being real! 👏👏👏

My biggest fear in relationships was being ‘needy’, so was too cool for sure. Not sure why, guess cause my needs were shamed and ignored growing up a lot. Learning to value and healthily express my needs and see who respects them. I’d rather cut my losses and be healthy and real. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

I was discarded for the millionth time almost a week ago because I’m not the “cool girl” and that’s what he wants. He told me, the other girl (who he’s been denying btw) doesn’t act like that. He said I don’t act right and I don’t listen. They want the cool girls for a reason

I was never needy, but I have needs. Everyone has needs

OMG! I was in abusive relationships with both my ex husband for 21 years and my ex partner for 6 years & BOTH of them used to call me cool! I took it as a compliment! They both said exactly the same thing, "you're so cool"!!!!

It almost sounds like a "cool girl" is almost the same as the push over. Or like I was the door mat. That was me. The push over. I took it and took it until I couldn't take it anymore. I finally learned to push back. The best part about it I tricked him into "dumping me" it was the only way to get him not to Guilt me into coming back it felt great to finally break free.

My ex the consent clown would use the phrase “easy as Sunday morning” to describe “cool girl.’

That ain't a cool girl!! A doormat!!!

I was brainwashed into "being cool" - it was my own wounded inner child who helped me see the light. For years and years I had been acting from that space, unaware. She was needing so much healing from sexual abuse to physical, emotional and psychological abuse. My psyche had been wired "wrong" and I had been inauthentic my whole life. My survival mechanism was "give them what they want" and to "smile and squash your own needs" because in being authentic all of a sudden you're boundaried up, you're not OK with crappy behavior, you're wanting and needing for the first time in your life, and you're told "I miss the old you"....Well she's gone! She was a doormat. She bulldozed herself. She gaslit herself. Authenticity is the solution, no matter how that makes you look to others. I learned this the hard way. It was devastating. I'm still finding my authentic self. It's so hard.

I suffered the borderline disorder for over 23 years. With so much anxiety Not until I came across psilocybin mushrooms treatmentPsilocybin treatment actually saved my life honestly. 6 years totally clean. Never thought I would be saying this about mushrooms

14.15 to 15.20 I am crying, not just as a fellow sufferer but also for the advise 'get there quicker than 60'.. just shows despite all pain endured you are a true empath.. you are wonderful person Dr. Ramani who is a safe space to many. Never forget that.

I was laughing to myself because I never shut up. I said less when he was dying but still had to remind him not to say something he couldn't take back and leave me with yet another bad memory. One of his "friends" told me after he died that he respected me for not being a yes person. But I realized that although my voice was still strong that I had compromised myself far too much with him over the years in an effort to "get along". Then he died. The end. Recovery began and is ongoing. Guess I was never cool.

Straight on point. I never realized I was a “cool girl”.

I've been told i need to have LOWER expectations when my expectations are already as low as they can go. I don't feel as though i can ask for anything in relationships without being told I'm asking for too much.

Im sure the narcs loved the 60's and 70's hippy "cool girls" . I wish Id learned these lessons way back when too. Thanks Dr. Ramani for the great video and content.

Wow! "Easy, breazy, ____-girl" was in all the fashion magazines, and the cool girl surfer/skateboard culture, mtv/mid-90's pop culture. Thanks for covering this!

the only acceptable way to act cool is to let people show you how they behave and then walk away forever. great video.

Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Digitalinvestigate@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...

I'm just learning a lot of people since my childhood tried to Make me uncomfortable with me being who I am and make fun of me. Now I know why.

I was so smitten with my NEX that I found myself subconsciously playing the "cool girl" and going along with things that went against my values & boundaries. In hindsight, I should've ended it and spared myself the ensuing misery. On a lighter note, this vid would make a great drinking game (whenever you hear the word "cool"). 🍺

"the opposite of cool is warm. and that's the loveliest thing a person can be! wow wow wow. that put the biggest smile on my face! i feel like i needed to hear those words. thank you.

"In a healthy relationship each partner is a custodian of the other partner's vulnerabilities.." Beautifully put. Am writing this on a post it and taping it on my mirror now.

“Human rights education is key 🗝️ to addressing the underlying causes of injustice around the world. The more people know about their rights, and the rights of others in society, the better equipped they are to protect them.” -Salil Shetty 🇮🇳 Former Secretary-General of Amnesty International

I also found that being “independent and confident” was one of the reasons he felt attracted in the first place and he even mentioned it but then complained about me not being jealous or not “caring enough” And I ended being so not confident and feeling so small when he left me without his lovebombing Stay safe 💖, if you are in your healing path, getting along with a narcissist can take a big part of that inner work down. But you have already started the glow up, and you can keep going. Trust yourself 🌻

"The opposite of cool is warm." I love this!! 😍

I think part of how people kept trying to shove me into the "cool gorl" box because I AM incredibly independent, and I have a great sense of humor - but I have boundaries (now more than ever!), and that makes them ANGY

Omg, where were you 8 years ago! I am very guilty of this and just left my narcissistic relationship 7 months ago bc I couldn’t do it anymore. Was engaged but couldn’t go through to marriage. I knew something was soooo wrong! Thank you so much for giving me the vocabulary for what I’ve gone through. This is helping my healing process.

Ha. Yeah trust me I was the ‘cool’ girl. Always put up and shut up. When the cool girl spoke up, she was no longer cool but psycho . Now I’ll take psycho as authentic thank you very much. And by authentic I mean what I say and say what I mean. I’m good with me, and if anyone truly sees me and loves me then they’ll be good with me too and not want to make me into a no seeing no feeling doormat with no voice 🤷‍♀️❤

as a former cool girl, i never really voiced out the hurt I felt when the almost about to happen relationship would turn cold and distant just because i had voiced out my concerns against their BS . They would go out and about with god knows who with no replies to my text and then suddenly when I mirrored the sentiment. The love bombing would start again and i would believe their lies of all the other girls being too needy and typical for their taste. It took so many of my precious life years to understand they are never going to change.

What im hearing when you say "cool" is clay boundaries- "Thats cool, I won't stick up for myself." "I wont put my foot down."

Dr. Ramani: You should do a series on millionaire matchmaker narcissists! They have every type!! It’s a great narc show!!!

I remember that in another channel the host had this same conversation about being “cool”. I commented that being cool was cemented in people-pleasing and low self-steem. And I clearly can attest because I was “cool” with a whole lot of things even if I was resentful or bitter. I was being laissez-faire. And indeed, I was raised by a narcissistic parent and attracted A LOT of male narcissists. I’m recovering and getting to know my needs, likes and dislikes. I told myself yesterday that communicating these things do not make me “difficult”, “neurotic” or anything negative of the sort. I hope everyone gets to heal from being “cool”.

A HUGE THANK YOU for being vulnerable. It took me about 50 years to get away from being the cool girl. 😎 It is amusing how narcs evaporate, when you start having needs and are no longer okay with the bs they try to put you through. ❤

I have never been a cool girl and never will be. My daddy didn’t raise me like that. I spoke my mind all the time and if you need to talk down to someone, I am not her.

I make it a point to watch your videos every single day, and I have to say that this video really struck a chord with me. For the longest time, I used to believe that I needed to be 'cool' in order to fit in and find acceptance. But now, after a lot of introspection and self-discovery, I have come to the realization that the only person I need to impress is myself. And you know what? I am perfectly comfortable being warm and genuine, because that's who I am at my core. Dr. Ramani, you are making a difference in this world. I don’t think you realize how many people you’re helping. Thank you for everything ❤️

Im so uncool. And thats why I left my narc and did not put up with him being "cool" for good. And since Im very uncool, I am disciplined🎉

It’s only a matter of time before they turn the “cool girl” into a seemingly “needy” girl begging for validation and crumbs. You have to be very strong to walk away after you invested everything into someone who pulls the rug from under you when they get you in a spot that you don’t expect it because “they were not like this until I bought a house/moved in/married them”… You have to be made of steel 😭😩

Ladies , if he’s married… RUN. PRAY.