What is also important to mention is that abusers can be nice 95% of the time. They can be friendly to relatives, the cashier and so on. But never forget the other 5% where they cross the line, this is what actually counts.

I think when there's an absence of aggression, people assume it's not abusive. Abuse is synonymous with violation. Thanks for taking into account the more insidious, psychological abuse patterns, and clarifying the flags themselves are the abuse

I've seen this in platonic relationships too. I think the term "mean girls" does not convey the seriousness of the psychological damage that so-called friends like this can inflict. It can be harrowing

The anger part is a huge one. Abusers need to be intimidating or have some sort of power over you in order to make you fear their outbursts.

I can’t believe I tolerated that. Such a bad place to be.

Another red flag of abuse is mean-spirited and cruel "jokes" which is just another form of gaslighting and normalizing their abusive behaviours. It's gaslighting bc "oh I was just joking, you can't take a joke" when good people who aren't abusers would never make those types of jokes. Jokes reveal mindsets non-bigots will never make bigoted jokes and jokes also normalize certain things. and another is if you hear contempt in the way they talk about other people about you, contempt seeping out often is such a huge indicator of abusers and abuse.

Learning about abuse is beneficial. The hardest part I've had with processing abuse is recognizing how prevalent abuse is in our society. Everyone, be careful of gaslighting.

Be careful - abusers think they are being abused, hence why they abuse. Abusers accuse their partners of being narcissists too.

If someone seems too good to be true, 10/10 they are trying to fines you. Do not show your vulnerabilities early on. Most times, abusers will deliberately pick their victims as they are easy targets( broken homes, single moms, people going through vulnerable stages in their lives). Always keep a level of suspicion and do not believe anyone blindly. Do not tell them what you are looking for in a partner early on. If you give someone enough rope, they will eventually hang themselves. Stay safe. Is a cold world

once I hear those rude/mean "joking" comments, I run for the hills. It's hard sometimes when I've already started bonding with the person but I gotta put me first chile

Look out for financial abuse early on, too! My first date with an abuser was such a red flag, looking back on it. He showed up straight from the gym, so hadn't showered or changed or anything, and then acted like he forgot his card so I ended up paying for the meal. He CONSTANTLY "needed" money from me for the duration of our 4 month "relationship." Also, during our first date conversation, he was already negging. Ex: "guys must really be intimidated by you because you have a master's degree. You must have a hard time dating." It was true, but that's such a weird thing to say. Sane, clear-thinking, healthy people would just engage with me about what I studied or try to find common ground over college sports teams or something like that. Not sit there and 1) neg me while simultaneously 2) trying to make themselves seem different and special like "ohhh look at me, I'm not like the other people you've dated because I'm not intimidated by your level of education."

something also so confusing about those types of relationships is that often they will gaslight you to believe you were the abusive one and guilt trip you to think that you deserved whatever they doing/did to you

1:50 I was born and raised by two narcissistic parents, and I have been finding it incredibly difficult to leave. I am in my mid 20s and had to either teach myself or find others to teach me all basic life skills, including how to drive. I had to pay over $3,000 to a driving school because I had no one to teach me. Because of this, I have been finding it extremely difficult to get on my own feet...because there is no one there to help me get there. I feel ashamed that I'm not more independent yet, despite my full time job and all that I have done for myself. Because of societal expectations, no one wants to take parental abuse too seriously. Because they are parents, most always want to give them the benefit of the doubt. It is so, so hard and I am curious to know how hard it is statistically speaking to break out of abusive relationships when it is with parents.

I’ve only started dating recently, and this obsessiveness shown with “love-bombing” is just a symptom of my ADHD. I should watch out for that before. Also I have certain triggers that can get me very irritated quickly. This is important stuff to know so I can work on myself so I don’t fall into these behaviors.

My ex boyfriend used to say he would hold me down and beat the shit out of me until I loved myself. Now I love myself way more without him.

I possessed those red flags in my ex relationship. Now Im learning how to correct myself. Ana is doing good work helping raise awareness bout how not to be a shitty boyfriend. Thanks doc.

Coercion IS assault. The FBI definition classifies it as rape with sexual acts, such as penetration with body parts (for either party involved) or objects. So, it's not that coercion will "escalate" into assault. It is sexual assault.

Ana you saved my life. Watching this video made me breakup with a narcissist before i knew he was one. THANK YOU

This is what my Family, notoriously my father did to me my entire life. Emotional physical and verbal abuse accompanied by aggressive alcoholism and supreme gaslighting. Like keeping their foot on your neck and telling you to leave at the same time. Disgusting. Great video thank you

Im scared to leave him because I feel like I wont know what to tell him when he asks me why. And every reason I do give him he’ll try to give it a “solution”. The reasons i have are bc of his misogyny, narcissism, controlling behavior, lack of empathy, saying things that make me insecure and so much more. I’ve even preformed sexual acts for him even when I wasn’t completely sure or felt pressured. I know what I have to do and will get out of this and update you guys.

i just realized i just came out of one. the gaslighting was so real he made me question my memory always and always was angry and threatening… i completely lost my self esteem… but i had the hope and strength to walk away . thank you for sharing

i really like how you deliver the information via adding your thoughts and experiences to the topic. it makes me rethink and analyze everything that has happened in my life.

I left him in 2020 and I’m still too emotionally exhausted whenever the thought of him or what i went through comes to mind. 😞

I love what you said, this is already abuse and not okay! I wish someone told me this before i married My ex husband, i normalized his abuse so much, i thought it was normal male gender behavior

Yep. He would tell me that I had “sexy eyes” and “sexy lips” then tell me I’m crazy… or say “I’m not attracted to your body per se.” As if he was some GQ model… please!!! 🤮🤮🤣🤣🤣. He did each and every one of these.

Yesterday I was in a date with this guy(valentine's day in my country) and the date was amazing, but it was our first date. He just posted our photos in every social media swearing that he's gonna love me for the eternity. I repeat. It was our FIRST DATE. When we got home, he asked me for be his girlfriend (it's usual to ask in my country but when you have been dating for a long time). I said I needed time. After this vídeo, my eyes are open cuz he is always saying how he loves me, how I'm the love of his life and he wanna make me happy. But we only saw each other 1 time. =/ RED FLAG 🚩

should be taught in school. Over and over again so that through the years this is understood well. This will help not just victims, but also abusers, who learn their abusive behavior from somewhere (likely a parent?) and so they can recognize it instead of passing it down to the next generation.

I know this is meant for the context of romantic relationships, but I see a lot of this in my parents - and it's correct that you say that a lot of these behaviours are in themselves abusive. But it's obvious in the case of my parents. What I think would be a good follow-up or companion video/topic would be what is *not* particular red flags, such as lovebombing. I believe in that case there's wiggle-room for interpretation there which people may actually be misinterpreting, such as someone being very eager early into a relationship. Such behaviour may be unwise on their part, but I believe there's a fine line between being very eager (they may have been very lonely, been abandoned or not had many or any opportunities in romantic relationships, or they may just value you that much) and abuse, which often involves the element of manipulation. I have also seen people worrying that they may be lovebombing someone when their behaviour genuinely doesn't appear to be (I know I worry about that and also coming off as eager), but because we who know about these red flags tend to be very alert about them, we can end up robbing ourselves of opportunities to become close with anyone, and eventually end up emotionally freezing ourselves over and isolating ourselves as we push others away by leaving them with a sense of futility about getting through to you or caring about you.

Yes as someone mentioned a phrase that helped me a lot to remain clear about the need to stop a relationship was the fact to remind myself '' most people can be nice, but not everyone will hurt you and be fine with it''

the signs you described are how my abuse escalated over time in that exact order. i used to be with a narcissist for 5 1/2 years.

Staying in an unhealthy relationship will keep you from discovering your true path in life. We have to make healthy choices to walk away not only to save us from heartache, but also to protect our emotional and mental health. 💙KZfaqr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships

wow, everything you mentioned is basically everything my girlfriend has been doing too me. this really hurts but I'm glad I'm more aware than ever thank you.

My ex always said "it's not about what you said, it because you said it in a weird way" no matter how normal and casual the conversation was. Obviously it was an excuse to blame me of his bad reaction

just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship ): it is hard bc u wanna believe itll work out but the rose colored glasses gotta come off someday. Next relationship im in im gonna be more careful and watch for red flags early on. Done tolerating the toxicity

I’m almost six months into my first relationship. We love each other a lot and it’s very passionate. In the last month we’ve had the same misunderstandings over and over again. I’ve noticed that he does things that match with the signs you pointed out (lovebombing, lowering relationship standards, coercion, jealousy, anger problems, punishment). But I can easily explain all his behaviours and I know that he doesn’t come from a bad place. I’m worried that I’m making excuses for it because I’m what people would call a doormat and my mother insults me calling me a martyr. I have low self esteem and self worth. This is my first relationship, the first time I’ve felt wanted or loved. I love him and I want this to work out. I’m not sure if I’m seeing everything rationally. But I also can’t go to my family because they don’t want him and I to be together.

thank you for covering this topic. having been on the receiving end of a long-term relationship with someone who was NPD, I can appreciate these dynamics. it took a few years of educating myself on the dynamics and techniques of a controller. to really be able to cut clean. one of the biggest things to overcome, is the shame of allowing yourself to have stayed or remained bound to such a person. it was text book from beginning to end. the dynamic that you suffer consequences for anything you might say...even a sincere and simple "good morning" could be spun as an assault on them, and become a launch pad for a major violent reaction. you become conditioned to a constant state of anxiety and being hyper tuned to this person. there were so many sources available to gain information, educating people on the dynamics of such relationships. And that is why I feel it's important for professionals like yourself, to do videos like this. I cannot possibly express, how helpful and maybe even life saving they are.

My last relationship was textbook narcissistic abuse and toxic. I was a single mom with my own home, job that I loved, friends and my own car. He was using a truck his boss let him borrow for our first “date”. He got us a hotel(motel) and when I assumed we would be going out to eat he instead got me drunk while ordering mostly watered down drinks all night so hedidn’t have to pay for food or a lot for drinks because he knew someone at the bar. He wanted to hold hands and make out like we had known each other for ages when I got home the next day he texted me all day and night. After 2 weeks he wanted to move in and even said he loved me. Oh how I fell for it hook line and sinker. I lost my friends, family, job, car and home. What happened was total destruction of my life. Please run when you see the signs. I am out of the relationship after 7 years of off and on toxic cycles and I’m finally becoming the woman I deserve to be and embracing and loving myself again ❤ Thank you for sharing this information 🙏

Everything you said is how my mum treats me. Except for the lovebombing.

The way they can't see what they're doing wrong is horrible and so repulsive

Extreme jealousy and possessiveness. That was the red flag for me. He’d get angry over something very minimal like me seeing the shoes of another man. I’d question myself “why is he so jealous or angry if to me he has no flaws, he’s perfect.” But I came to realize he wasn’t. He had very low self esteem and anything I did was an attack to him.

Even though the love bombing made me feel incomfortable, I just ignored it. I have learned to trust my instincts and never ignore them.

My ex fiance displayed 80% of these signs. I'm glad I left. feel bad for his new wife.

On the autistic spectrum, sensory issues can cause them to redline and become out of control. One of the things i had to learn was to shield my senses in order to live in a more relaxed form. I carry sunglasses for when i have too much visual input and earplugs for when things are louder than i can accept. Taste and touch and other sensory things can cause overload too. When i was a kid i was taught to try and just weather the sensory overload, but as an old man, i take steps to go somewhere quiet and take care of myself so overload and its consequent freaking out does not happen. The strongly focused senses can be assets in work, but they can be liabilities unless you know to ask for a hiatus for a half hour when things are two busy for you to process. Sometimes i felt that neurotypicals were intentionally stomping on my senses, but i think it is just that they do not focus as strongly as autistic spectrum persons.

Yeah, always better to leave at the first sign of abuse imo. Any of these means time to put up your boundaries and/or there are more people worth meeting out there, leave this one. With love bombing, I would include the more obvious verbiage. Like, they give out tons of complements constantly in the beginning, "never met anyone like you," "you're so beautiful," etc. Stuff normal people are a bit shy about saying but abusers have no emotion about words. Then they start trying to control things/making demands/yelling/refusing to cooperate. It would be great to see more healthy relationships and more abusive people left in the dust. Seems like an epidemic of bad relationships are all around.

im gonna cry bro. this is whats been happening to my mom for 25 years and to me and my siblings since we were born. i don't know what to do because my mom refuses to leave even after an extremely crazy abusive, psychotic episode from him and always blames it on other things (meds, other people, bad day, etc) like NO MOM it happens NO MATTER WHAT its just who he is

my ex would say that words > actions. when he disrespected me and treated me like shit he would apologize, play victim and blame me for reacting. i blocked him today and its so hard not to feel stupid. he still owes me money, ive been holding off on saying mean stuff to him and its tough

I wish my son would realize what his wife is doing to him that he cannot live with his abusive wife. I see it and he would not listen.

Your point about basic personality expression as anger was a new aspect. I think it's also a way to make every/any issue important and show where the whole world is composed of idiots (in their view). It's a bone to chew on and gain attention, not really wanting to share in a discussion, but more pontificating and inflicting their ideas on their audience.

someone I met online is helping me escape my hellhole of a country where I'm in danger of getting killed for my sexuality . they already paid my tuition and they want me to leave asap which I'd love nothing more and I'm so grateful for their kindness and generosity But in the middle of this they asked if we can date and I said yes just because I was scared of them abandoning me if I said no. tbh I feel lovebombed and exploited but I'm scared of saying something because my vety survival depends on them now . I feel.like they expect me to spend the first night I arrive to their country at their house . I don't feel safe enough to do it but I aslo don't have a lot of money and i might be forced to do it. I'm torn between risking my life by leaving or by staying here. I can't live in this backward country anymore. I desperately need advice.

Great vid! Another one - if someone’s emotional reaction lead to them inflicting trauma to themselves. Like hitting their head with fists and against the wall. Deep issues, run for the hills 👀

Thank you so much, I really needed this video right now. Two months ago my fiancé and I broke up.. I’ve been missing him a lot lately, so I’ve been starting to minimize and overlook his bad qualities. Your video served as an important reminder that I’m much better off now. I appreciate you ❤️

You're doing God's work. Keep it up.

This is beyond helpful 😭😭😭 I felt like I was exaggerating or overthinking but I knew I didn’t feel good about some of the things he said and did. Thank you so much for the confirmation.

This was such an important video, whenever I miss my ex I watch this video and it reminds me why I left.

i hope you are seriously giving yourself HUGE props cause your videos are amazing !!!!

thank you so much for this video 🤍

The fact that I see all of these in my dad and the way he treats my mom is so frustrating

I really appreciate your videos! Thank you 🙏🏼

Thank you for this video ❤.

Thank you so much for bringing up this conversation!

You know, I've become familiar with these from a lot of reading over the years, and this is such a great summary of them all in one place. Thank you!

Thank you so much for sharing. Very well spoken.

Thank you for uploading free content like this ❤️

Oh wow thanks dearie 🖤

This was a wonderful video thanks so much 🙏

Very interesting insight! Thanks for the video!

I adore your videos! Thank you for all you do

It always makes me wonder why it's so difficult to access education about relationships and signs of abusive behavior.

Hey Anna, what about no win scenarios? One I encountered was... "You don't remember enough about what happened, you can't still be mad at it" And then days later "You remember this is in such detail, I can't believe you're holding a grudge against me"

Your videos keep getting better and better. I appreciate your perspective so much.

Love this video - so informative and helpful. As someone esperiencing most of these growing up in need to keep myself in check as to what I allow into my life now. Thank you Ana ❤️

Nice to see you again Ana.

Quick and to the point, I hope this video can set someone free cause everything you mentioned is reflects my personal experience!!!

An empowering survey of abusive behaviors, thank you for linking to resources to cope & seek dignity, Ana :)

can you talk someday about avoidant personality disorder and how to fight against that, how not to avoid confrontations with people, when it's actually healthier to talk things through with people, how not to let pride or hurt get the better of you?

What you said about anger being used to mask other emotions makes so much sense to me. I find myself getting very angry when I am sad or even depressed. I've never let it get out of control to the point where I have hurt someone, but usually I will let people know I need time alone.

i like the empathy in the warning at the beginning

Thank you so much for the information. From your experience and/or studies has there any data or information about abusers level of awareness of their behavior? Awareness is always the key to any adjustment in one’s behavior. When I realized how my actions affect others was I able to adjust my behavior. Thanks producing these videos. It’s allowed me to be more aware of behavior from others and in myself.

Yes!! All of this. After so many attempts and four years of abuse I'm finally out of it!

wow, watching this video really helped me. i had just gotten out of a 2 year relationship with an abusive partner and its really difficult leaving n moving on from this person because it had been so long. and now watching this video pretty much everything that was said is what happened

my bf is extremely possesive and get jealous whenever i talk to my guy friends. i love him so much, but he got 4/10 of these red flags, but then again, in my country some of these things are not considered red flags bcs of the traditional norm here. idk if i should call it quits or not... the red flags he has are: 1. he love bombs me 2. he gives backhanded compliments n stuff, he body shamed me too for being 'too skinny' 3. the double standard thing 4. extreme jealousy and possessiveness what should i do?

Oh wow I was in a domestic violence relationship for about 5 months and didn’t even know it. I knew something was off but I didn’t know it was DV.

Thank you

The fact that I want to send this to at least 3 people so that they can understand what they're going through

legit question here Ana what do you do when you recognize the same behaviors in yourself. like I'm aware i have done these things and they have been done to me but I'm concerned with my own temperament to continue doing the same things... how does one break they pattern of being on both sides of everything you've mentioned?

Thank you Ana.

this is so helpful thank you so much. i just got out of a physically abusive relationship. i thought i was crazy. but in reality I’m just a victim 😔 what he did has changed me forever

Spot on.

I was talking to this older cat who genuinely said to me on our first (all day long date) that one of his red flags was having friends, having social media, and going to the club and I remember giggling and reasking "I can't have friends😁?" And he just looked at me and I just looked at him. That is still so so funny to me. Needless to say we never got into a relationship and I never let him warp my mind into thinking we could.

To what extent are abusers doing it consciously?

You're awesome

Is it possible for a person to be unintentionally abusive? I feel like my previous relationship may have been emotionally abusive, but I don't feel as though my partner was someone who would do it intentionally...

An abusive person should have learned by now, not to come my way. Abuse kills and destroys lives! Therefore, that threat has to be destroyed. I HATE ABUSIVE PEOPLE THAT BAD! They sell control like it's understandable or necessary- wtf?? Thanks for sharing!!!❤❤❤

Can you make a video on gambling please. I’m seeing it promoted a lot more on social media recently and I’m interested in the early signs of gambling addiction, it’s harms, and measures that can be taken to prevent harm. I would also like to know if it is and how it might be possible to gamble regularly without it being harmful to one’s self.

sis sat there and described me

And one valuable thing I learned is that I was lovebombing myself mostly, him, not so much actually, but me! to myself rather! And that is a very interesting thing I came to realize and worked on actively and eventually stopped doing, and this is a more insidious type of abuse where mostly the other is not so graphic about the abuse but is fine with whatever you said hurt and just seek from you to roll with it otherwise you are just making things complicated and creating problems... It's a more passive type of abuse and takes deep healing to come out of...

Excellent video

That just like describes ALL my exes 🤷‍♀️…😭

I wish I had this info 6 years ago, my life might still be in tact

Every last one in my last relationship. Every last one.