That’s what I’ve learned since marrying my husband and dealing with his mother. Seems about right.

Oh trust me narcicists can pretend if it is useful to them. Just asking if you are too egoistical and most of the time ariving at the conclusion "No it's the others being jerks" you might not be a narcicist...but you sure display narcicistic behaviour.

😢 and it’s very frustrating

Here is the twist. You did everything to improve, apparently it's actually everyone else!

Disagree.. narcissists are not dumb! They are quite aware, in fact. They know when they are being shitty. They may not go through the effort of getting officially diagnosed with anything and may not believe they have an anti-social personality disorder. BUT they do know how they treat people. They just dont allow themselves to care for very long. Its a self-protective mechanism. They have those rare moments of feeling guilty.. then they snap out of it and armor themselves in blame and apathy.

A better test is to go to your social media. Is it all preachy videos? If so, you are probably a narcissist.

Yep… If you are asking any of these questions, you are not it! But being with one of these creatures, for any period of time can definitely mess with your head so much, and, of course, their favorite things to accuse everyone around them of our the things which They themselves are, the behaviors which they do, and which normal humans would never in 1 million years even think about doing. Sometimes we lash out with a knee-jerk reaction in the heat of the moment, generally only when they have been abusing and berating us for hours, weeks or months And are defenses are shot. Like all other normal humans, we will immediately regret it, and feel bad that we lashed out, even if the other person deserved it! If you don’t feel any kind of guilt, or shame, or regret, then, indeed, there is a good chance that you are on the cluster B Spectrum… But you would never be here watching these videos or asking these questions if that were the case!😂😂❤❤❤🎉🎉😂❤❤😂😂

Totally agree.

I have a DPS, in therapy since years. I was always asking, who I am and why. Don´t make it too easy...

1000 times yes

🎉 So very true. The apologies I would get from him were just as shallow as the gutter. Insincere. Saying what he thought I wanted & needed to hear. He'd be on his good behavior for a little while. Just a fool me, again! ❤ But I'm past all that now. I've been through a lot of healing. I forgive him totally, but I'll never in a million years. Go back to that little boy. I left my own apartment where I moved in on my birthday two and a half years prior...And my name had been taken off the lease. ❤🎉❤ The tears have long been dried up and gone! 😢 I'm a different person nowadays. I have my identity in Christ YESHUA ( JESUS) , He's my best friend. And husband 🎉 I couldn't be happier. When you forgive someone by power of Holy Spirit, you find out you were the prisoner, not the unforgiven one. I now live a single and celibate, holy life. Yea, God, for my Transformation is daily. As I ask, seek and knock. The doors are open 😂 to me. *AGAPE Y'ALL*

Yea same with my family.

Honestly,I don't understand why apology is a big thing? I mean why do people keep bringing it up? I never got that. I also hate that when someone is trying to tell me, you have to apologize to me because etc.... Actually these people are the manipulative ones, because they try to tell you, what you should do.

OMG!! Good one! I'll add that to my list!

​@@kaszapnagypeter Keep watching the videos.

This is so fr

It reminds me of my co-worker. He's always been there giving me advice and support, but when something happens that he's responsible for, he never wants to acknowledge it. It's always you or anyone else except him.

And then they say that you are the narcissist and it messes with your head and gaslights you into thinking it's true. Messed up

They play the blame game watch out for that

Truth.

Hahaha yes!!

My ex narcissist wouldn’t even understand this video. He doesn’t have the ability to even comprehend ….

They are too consumed with themselves

@@Sparcyyy727 yep then I would get blamed for his Inability to understand it 😂😂😂

Not exactly. They'd be saying to themselves, "There you go. My partner would never admit to being a narcissist. Therefore, without question, they are a narcissist. I KNEW I was the victim" Then they'd use this video to gaslight their partner

I’m in that boat , there different levels my wife tries but man she can be hard n cold

Dude. This is literally what my roommate tried doing to me lmao. She’s like “everyone is a little narcissistic “.

It's like you been there too

On errything called me out to it they were like 😮 “he got me” headahhh get outta here

Absolutely 💯

That part !

@@julz77t_homeboy yes!

What about someone who uses apologies as a strategy to gain control? What if they so easily apologise, but you know they will do it again the next time you piss then off?

​@@LisnatorYup, this is my experience. The sucking you back in. (Aside, this made me think about how my N mother was (sub?)consciously training the fake 'sorry'. I was about 9 when I told her I was not sorry, that means sorrowful, and I am not. I would only say I apologize. (In my own way manipulating back by leaving the regret for (what ever) open for interpretation..and that got her off my back) wow, kids survival tricks!

Oh, I've seen apologies like, "Sorry, you are so (fill in blank)."

You are on point!

​@Lisnator yeah, I think this may be my problem, my boyfriend did me wrong and apologized so much, he was so distraught I left him he self destructed, went back to drinking, pills and smoking, quit his job and basically self destructed his life. Then attempted suicide. Then I offered to help him when he didn't go through with it and accepted. It's been almost 4 months since all this, we've been living together for just over 1 month again, and I can feel our original problems coming back, not to mention, he's barely done therapy or gone to AA, as he had agreed before we moved in together again. We have a kid together and expecting another, this is why I took the bait. It's called manipulation. But next time I leave, I'm leaving for good. He always apologizes and feels so sorry for himself and calls himself a fuc kup, which makes ME feel bad. And he may change temporarily. But never permanently. He just seems to try to hide things better now. But I can feel it turning into the same as before. Ugh

So happy you found your way out into the light. They will try to take all the light in your life. A good therapist is worth their weight in gold.

So happy for you❤❤❤ it is a hell, but once you are out new world awaits.

@@ligab8889 That is for sure!! 😊

@@lynnefox4892 Great therapists are worth their weight in gold!! I am not sure if the world is becoming more narcissistic or if I am just more aware and able to see through their BS!! 😉😆

Both!!!

😂😂😂😂😂

Yup, absolutely spot on!

I'm still lost 😅😅

Narcissism also isn't a yes/no or black/white issue; it's a gradient. There are too many near-narcissists or slightly narcissistic people in the world today. Also, "is your partner a jerk" is far, far from a test for narcissism. In fact, it is easy for lots of narcissists to answer "yes" to that question because, in their narcissistic opinion, their partners aren't doing enough for their highness, their selfish needs, and so on.

@@YaseenRoccaI don’t disagree with anything you’ve said. Also, it’s possible the partner is simply a jerk. I think of narcissists as emotionally immature adults who have become what they hated, a bully, to control the outcome in their environments. When a person has to have so much control they are also so selfish to control their partners reality, I’d classify that person as a jerk.

Thank God you are free! I was married to one also, and he frequently called me a narcissist.

Dr. Les Carter's channel helped me see the light after 30 years interacting with a brother . . . All the best!

So true

@@JimmyonRelationships You're the only channel I've found that actually explains things in a way that makes sense so I think you'd do a really good job at explaining this!😊

THAT is a great idea! The words get confused so often, it's horrible!

@@JimmyonRelationshipsYeah, too many people just use narcissist as a buzzword when they can just say abusive. And attitudes like that are hurtful to my friend who is actually diagnosed. It spreads misinformation and stigma about an actual disorder, which leads even less of them to seek help because with so much hatred towards narcissists, who would be willing to actually admit they could be one? Abuse is abuse. NPD is NPD. And they don’t always coincide.

I just sent this to my therapist, because this sounds like me asking her these same questions for the past 2 years. It was like a light bulb that turned on in my head... Thank you, I needed to hear this more than you know...

@@unbreakablefootage Why did the narcissist bring a mirror to the party?To make sure someone amazing was always in the room!

​@@unbreakablefootageNO, YOU ARE🎉🎉🎉🎉

@@unbreakablefootage When I look in the mirror, I see that I have been shaped by everything, by circumstances, by people, by illness, by pain and despair, a lot of sadness and ultimately also by love, happiness and hope. I see the joie de vivre of now, because it's ok..God bless you .

The abuse comes from the malignant form of narcissism.

I thought of the same example!

I don't know who that is, but I've met people with similar experiences and was thinking the same!

I just made a similar comment, hope he makes another short addressing this because spreading misinformation really isn’t a good thing.

Yeah this advice sucks

Opinions are opinions. Not all of us can agree on everything. We all exist on a spectrum of traits so specific advice will never cover every situation . . . in my opinion!

Same

This is scary because absolutely not. My wife is a psychologist who is licensed to be a therapist and this is HORRIBLE advice to the point I question if you're straight up lying. How do you think we have treatment for NPD? You can't diagnose anyone with NPD unless they are a willing participant. Come on people use your heads for 5 seconds this is a disgusting lie he's posting for money.

​@@pequenaesposa3286 I've actually heard this before. The problem is that many therapists and counselors don't have the proper training on these topics. A psychologist or a psychiatrist, for example, would *never* say such a ludicrous statement. But today, when looking for specialists to help deal with mental health concerns, most people don't know enough to discern between the different types of professionals they're seeing and are often restricted by finances and availability of resources. So it's fairly common for people to end up seeing an insufficiently qualified therapist without their even knowing it, and to be getting awful advice such as this (with zero real treatment or healing.) Personally, I've been exhausted by trying to find decent and consistent, affordable help for my concerns (and you wouldn't believe the many things I've heard over the years. One time, about a neurodivergent memory issue I have that led to a diagnosis of "amnesia," my therapist frustratedly set my "goal" for the following week to just "try harder to remember these really small simple things every day. just try, really hard, come on, just try this week, it's just these three little things..." 😐 and this is just memory...) So yeah tl;dr: it may be because they saw improperly trained therapist, as opposed to formally and rigorously educated psychologists and psychiatrists.

@@pequenaesposa3286 Yeah, his spiel is pretty disgusting. Also astonishing how gullible people when they hearing what they want to hear.

Can you guys post sources for what you think is better material please

Hugs to you, if you want them. That lingering idea that maybe it was our fault is tough to snuff out. My "parents" convinced me that their abuse of me as a child was my fault and I still sometimes have to remind myself that isn't true. Point is, it might take some time, but you will heal. I hope that you have good support as you heal. Your feelings, needs and experiences are valid and you deserve people who reflect that to you!

❤ same

I feel this . Healing takes years . But- thankfully you and I and so many other have the chance . It’s been over 15 years since I divorced my Ex and he still tries to manipulate me thru our grown children and now even grand children . I’m so glad that this kind of content is so available now because 15 years ago I had no clue what I was dealing with .

I feel you! I was in a 21 yr rel/marriage w someone I now know was a narc. I didn’t see it until a year AFTER we split up. He had blamed me for everything for so long that I believed I was the problem. Yes I had problems. By the end I was smoking weed everyday to survive. But I’m not a narc. He is. I finally see the light!! PS I’m 3 years sober and feel I finally got my self back. ❤

Check what gaslighting is. Seems it’s been done to you.

I agree ✨

Hope it isn't your mother

Same. My really big wake-up moment was when she did something really bad (which she exceptionally promised never ever to do and begged me at the beginning that I won't do and we both made our promises right at the beginning of our relationship), and then she reacted with "I'm sorry YOU feel that way" and then acted offended and victimized for the fact that it bothered me that she broke that promise. So according to her she was not wrong at all, it was my fault even if she was the one to break the promise.

@@praevasc4299 yea that's a go to response. With that sweet and innocent tone but fake "well I'm sorry you feel that way". Then to make it worse they isolate people and give them their side and their take on things and chances are she has already ruined your chance of getting a fair evaluation of you by other people because they can compell tears and make themselves look like they are a complete victim. All of this makes the playing field very unfair so even if you keep your cool and stay detached...compassionate ..and reasonable whenever there is an audience....they still take her side no matter what she does that is completely un acceptable. They will never admit their part of fault in ANYTHING. It's ALWAYS the other person or people

Thats just any female

Same here. I have dated a narcissist too. Would not turn up for a date and then yell at me for having fun with everyone else !! Give her a piece of my mind and I was mean and nasty and how could I treat her like that !!

I beg to differ :)

You're lucky to have a great husband!🤗

If it only was all of this available like say 18-20 years ago, i am sure we would have dealt with a better generation of marriages. Sadly, this next generation that has ALL of this info, doesn't get the point of it all and still struggle to get to an end where something makes really actually sense in their lives.

So beautifully put. Huge truths in both comments and in Jimmy's point. God bless bro's, 🙌🏻💪🏻💫🪷👍🏻

No, they actually don't. They have empathy it's just a different form and to a different degree. There is so much misinformation in these comments.

@@klz9500 Absolutely. So many people think they're psych experts yet haven't taken a single college course, read through studies or understand theory. These days, anything you do that's a bit selfish gets you labelled as having NPD. Someone a shit person? Antisocial personality disorder. Struggle to focus on school? ADHD. Like to have a clean environment? OCD. People fail to realise the complexity of these conditions and just how significant their impact can be. If they lived with someone who actually has one of these disorders, they'd realise.

@@ColtTheWolf all the DXing that goes on on the internet is alarming. People diagnosing each other, themselves. It's incredibly complex. There are so many overlapping symptoms from various disorders that it's very easy to think you're one thing when you're actually something else. Not to mention that there are a lot of human behaviors that are still within the range of normal that people are turning into diagnoses these days. It's really appalling.

Narcissists can experience empathy, they just generally experience less and in a different way. Usually if they lack the ability entirely it means they have malignant narcissism (ASPD with NPD).

​@@ColtTheWolf ​I hear ya. I have a Behavioural Science (Psychology) degree & have been doing a deep dive into narcissism, OCD, OCPD, trauma, anxiety, depression, & other topics for over 35 years now - plus was raised by someone with undiagnosed moderate grandiose narcissistic traits with comorbid OCPD who married a HSP codependent enabler with a fawning trauma response. So you can imagine why I became so invested in understanding the complexities & nuances of all of this in the 1st place. Whilst it's generally encouraging that society as a whole is now treating mental health MUCH more seriously than it ever has, there is far too much misinformation out there. My advice, get your info from a multitude of RELIABLE CLINICALLY INFORMED sources.

NOT TRUE! I'm a very loving and compassionate person. Married to a narcissist. I fled and totally shielded our son when he was 5 years and 9 months old because I didn't want our son to see how his father treated me and our son. Our son adores his father to this day. Due to how much our son "attached" to his dad, I agreed to reunite both of them when our son was almost 8 years old. It was a very heart wrenching decision because even though his father is a narcissist, he loves the son very much. Granted, not the same love as mine but genuine love nevertheless. Their bond was inseparable. One time I saw his father hit him so hard while we were waiting to be called in court. I defended my son that he didn't deserve to be hit that hard. But my son was the one going after his father to apologize like a puppy. He was 16 years old! Now he is 18 and decided to stay with his father in Europe and I went back to the US alone! Both are narcissist. From me, my son got nothing but pure love. No physical abuse from his father that my son could remember. Despite all the love he gets from me, my son is cold and indifferent with me since he turned 12 years old.i lost my son to a narcissist!

They're not the only ones severely traumatized children. They choose to continue the trauma cycle by passing it to others or to the next generation. That's all.

Stop making excuses for them.

​@@jacquelineissenmann1045I'm so sorry, and you're absolutely right that having a narcissist influence at a young age can be enough for someone to turn into one. I've seen it in my family. I would also assume that if a child was spoiled to the point that they were never expected to consider the feelings of others, they could develop into a narcissist.

Not all of them. It is true that trauma *can* cause narcissism, but there are enough narcissist that have never experienced any kind of trauma, neither in childhood nor later on.

The fact that you became a recluse out of the fear of hurting others means you 100% are not a narcissist because narcissists don't care about who they hurt. I'm sorry that you were labeled and empathize with your pain.

THIS WAS MY THOUGHT TOO! I was thinking to myself “I’m not sure if I am so I shouldn’t be around others just to be on the safe side”.

i was also called a narcissist and got really scared of hurting others, I was yelled at for "gaslighting" and it was really scary, I didn't mean to

Narcissists don't necessarily intentionally hurt anyone, it's just that they're blind to the fact that they do, unintentionally hurt people. Now, a malignant narcissist,, will intentionally hurt others to keep others in their place. I used to do that with my kids, and I regret it. These are sins of the fathers...the generational curses and they need to be recognized, owned, and brought to the foot of the cross of Jesus. It's pride....the original sin that we need to battle. God can and will heal us from it. In Jesus name, and because of His atoning sacrifice, I pray that God will heal those of us with narcisstic tendencies. Cure our pride and self-absoption. Make us into people like Jesus. It's in Christ's name that I pray for me and all who fear that they are narcissists. May we fall at the feet of Jesus where we will find mercy and grace for healing. Amen.

@@faithevolution552 Amen 🙏

hell, mate, your comment just hit the spot. Thank you. Coudn't word it better even for myself.

Massive props to you for doing this amount of self-work - I really hope it all pays off for you ☺️

Good luck, wish you the best!

@@sd.kfz.2224 no problem, my friend. And yeah... Realising I'm not a narcissist, but that I'm currently not good partner material feels like a definite load off my mind. I can't fix the hurt I've done, but I can make damn sure I don't make anyone else feel like crap because of my behaviour.

Your comment does not have enough likes as it was supposed to have. You are completely right, stay on yourself till u figure out what you are and how you want to become... work, is hard as hell but you.ll make it. Sadly i couldn't save myself from this even though i took the same path, after 7 years of being alone i ended up in an even worse relationship because i felt that i needed to save someone else. Never put yourself on the second place, you come first, always!!! Be careful and try to enjoy life no matter what, you have only one, like everyone else.

Same! My therapist then told me, she doesn't work with narcissists, that settled it for me

@@julianejustgermany of course she doesn't (duh) because most narcissists will deny they need help, therefore, they would never seek out a therapist.

@@annatetiad.4991 I have seen two narcissists do exactly that. Not to change, but to go through the motions and appease the person demanding they get help/ the health care system making it mandatory. Both stopped after a while (when they had to go for a real change, of course they didn't wanna do that). But if no narcissist ever went to a therapist,. we would not have any diagnosed narcissists, would we.

I know someone who went to therapy because they wanted to know why everyone was always mad at them “even when they weren’t wrong,” and the therapist basically told them that there’s no way one person can always be right. This person told me that the therapist seemed sketchy and they wouldn’t be going back. I do believe this person has “narcissistic tendencies” but I don’t want to say that they’re a narcissist, because I’m not qualified to diagnose. But yeah, some of them go to therapy to figure out what is wrong with everyone else around them. “Why am I always getting attached to bad people?” “I attract crazy people.”

We all have narcissistic traits, it's part of the human condition. The important thing is to what extreme your traits govern your personality and your actions.

I don't think so. I am a narcissist and I suspected it well before I was diagnozed. I know a lot of narcissistic ppl with a lot self-reflection.

Asking is not necessarily a hint towards NPD. But *telling* or even gaslighting a person into believing THEY are the Narcissist is a big billboard with "Narcissist" written on it.

Their "good deeds" are basically PR, simply intended to make them look good to others. Whatever altruism they possess is extremely limited and shallow.

Could you maybe elaborate on this or examples you saw? Like, if they were being nice what was it they said/did that let you realize they were still narcissistic? Thank you.

​@@MudBug8793 My mother's a narcissist and she has savior syndrome. She always wants to help people when their down and out, at their weakest. But it's never done out of kindness. There's always strings attached. She'll boast and brag for weeks and sometimes months about what she's done, uses it as leverage against people (I did this or that for you, etc) and holds it as blackmail later on (I did this now you owe me, pay up). Even when people don't ask and sometimes don't even know she's going to help them. It's never for just kindness.

Thank you! I ended a friendship with someone like this, and didn't realize until afterwards how much stress I was under while trying to keep this person happy.

@@BigmommaD82 Thank you for sharing. What you described is EXACTLY like my Dad as well. Taken me years and years to accept that people can do good things for selfish reasons and the unique nature of the deep-seeded damage it does.

THANK YOU!!! i was looking for something like this

Your comment makes a lot of sense. It actually does just condemn narcs. Every time I come across one, I immediately wonder what it was that happened to them, in their lives, to get them to where/who they are now. I have compassion for them bc a lot of them are just trapped in the age they were when their trauma was inflicted upon them. Do you think narcs can change? Or can ever be capable of love?

Psychologist here. I agree and feel for you. NPD is a real disorder and simple questions like this confuses people, can lead people with NPD believe they do not have NPD, and delay/prevent treatment. Diagnostic criteria is way more complex than this so people, please ask a mental health professional for a proper diagnosis.

@@DanceArchives24 narcissists definitely can change, not entirely, but they can let go of abusive behaviors that hurt others. I think I am capable of love, if that qualifies as wanting to protect a person and make them happy for no personal gain.

I feel like this is complete bullshit. I’ve dealt with so many narcissists and they definitely don’t care about others at all

Oh NO

What he says is not true tho. One can still be a narcissist and have compassion, self reflection etc.

Welcome, fellow ENFJ club member 😅

Well, i needed to google 😂😂😂but turns out that i actually am like that.... i need to confirm this sh.t as soon asap😮

Omfg same enfj

I’m an INTP and I question it too lol.

INFP. Same

What a bunch of bs. You need to educate yourself instead of posting stuff you quite obviously know nothing about.

I disagree. Someone of the most narcissistic people are those into self-help and spirituality

​@AMR421RA but if you notice it's ALWAYS about what it does for them at the end...not how they treat others

⁠​⁠@@mb-kh2nbisn’t most of society like this anyways? Is it wrong to be selfish? No, but it’s wrong to be selfish at the expense of another’s mental well being

@@AMR421RA Very true. High functioning narcissists do exist.

Question: As a therapist, what do you think/feel about people defending narcissist? Not a flying monkey situation, like saying we need to have empathy and understanding for people with NPD/Sociopaths. Mind you, I do have a level of empathy for all humans, including ppl w/ NPD. However, there seems to be a very new trend shaming victims of narcissistic abuse, proclaiming the NPD/Sociopaths need compassion. I don't want to see ppl with these disorders hurt, but, I think it's dangerous and hurtful to victims, such as myself. Thoughts? I'd love a professional's opinion, thanks! (BTW I know there is a longer, more medically correct term for sociopath, I just didn't remember it exactly, please excuse my shorthand)

@@violetbleustar717 it’s very tough bc I follow a couple of people who were diagnosed with NPD and they have shown me that there are ways for them to get better with their thinking patterns. I don’t call them narcissists, but instead “people with a diagnose of narcissistic personality disorder”. This way it takes the judgment out of the equation. Those with NPD aren’t born this way, but created so while I do feel that there needs to be compassion, there also should be very firm boundaries as well.

@@victoriaswift193 Thanks, I appreciate this thought. I think the "very firm boundaries" part is what some of these defenders are missing. One can have compassion and understanding, yet also not excusing bad behavior. This is for true for many folks, I am a recovered alcoholic of 22 years ( I got sober very young-luckily) and I know that balance that is needed to overcome dangerous or hurtful behavior. Thanks for your input!!

As a licensed narcissist, you're correct!

@@supers0nic77 What?? Explain, please, I am confused?

Leave him

@@maggiemccormick2359exactly! They never change. My narcissistic ex eventually made me physically and emotionally ill. I look back now and I don’t know what the Hell I was thinking to put up with that.

I spent 14 years like this...I tried to make a marriage and he legit hated me. He told me I was too sensitive ALL THE TIME! I was just trying to express my feelings honestly. SMH!!!

@@maggiemccormick2359that much easier said that done, Deare.

If there is devaluing your feelings like that “you are just too sensitive” - that’s most likely a narc. Undermining the very ability to speak as equals - it just becomes impossible to communicate because they are not listening, they just trying to keep power over you, not understand you…

They do ALL of us that way...Everybody is the issue but them

great! I have other personality disorder and I also inform others about it

As long as you're working on it with a therapist, I commend you. It's okay to be vulnerable and to make mistakes. I hope you learn everything you need to in order to start your healing process. I also sincerely hope you're single until you can heal ❤

@@maggiemccormick2359 Who says he needs to heal? By the way, your feelings are not real things. Expecting people to act a certain way towards you, based on things that are not real, is delusional.

Admitting it online or IRL? (Honestly curious, not trying to be combative.)

@@jadziamerryweather77888 both

There has to be self awareness and spiritual enlightenment in order for self reflection to even begin to develop and EVERYONE is capable of that if they want it badly enough. I’m covert NPD and I assure you, I’ve overcome most of my dysfunctional coping mechanisms in therapy. But then again, I’ve always been very spiritual. So yeah, the answer is most people don’t even bother to pause and do introspection. Not just narcs.

obviously false and simplification

Usually people in your position have been hurt or neglected pretty bad by their primary caregivers in the past (even if we don't think it was a big deal). =( You're not a narcissist, you're most likely just protecting yourself from being hurt again.

People (and animals) in survival mode think more selfishly because that's what survival requires. A lot of people who grew up or live as adults in survival mode are going to struggle with coming out of this lense. It doesn't always mean narcissism, it just means they've still got some safety to reconnect with and some unlearning to continue with. It is both normal and, honestly, correct for your body to develop those selfish lenses when things were never fair or safe or predictable. The fact that you care means you absolutely have the capacity to carry new, better lenses in your kit.

@@friibird Great comment!

Idk I can't tell if my ex was a narcissist or just a truely horrible person (cheated on his last ex and me, bragged about emotionally manipulating his mother, always acted like the victim even when he was the one asking me to lie to his family and friends about how we met, always had to be the victim, period) yet he was in therapy trying to forgive himself for not being what he thought was a good person. I think sometimes narcissists can be self-aware enough to know the pain they cause others and want to change if only to prevent the inevitable backlash and drama they cause, but then on some level they either crave drama or don't care enough about others to follow through with changing their actions. I do think some of them reach self-awareness though.

Oh and I agree, the narcissist's friends often don't see that side of them, and family sometimes doesn't either. Seems like the romantic partner almost always gets the worst of it, and then sometimes the kids too. :(

@@MadisonEstes - Narcs are very self aware, which is why they choose to be abusive in secret. They understand the pain they cause and they literally do not care, as they will always choose themselves to remain being the center. Sorry to hear of your experience though! Channels like this and Dr. Ramani can help to better equip you as you move forward in trying to heal.

​@MadisonEstes and if they don't have a romantic partner, they will target a sibling or any other family member who is vulnerable. My sister is 45 and has never had a long term relationship so I was the one she targeted for decades until I finally said enough and went NC. She is very good at making friends and can be absolutely charming and hilarious when she wants to be. But, I have noticed a pattern. It takes about a decade, but then, suddenly, her closest friend will dump her "out of the blue for no reason". What would actually happen is that she would finally relax enough and believe they weren't going anywhere and so start treating them how she treated me. And they would very quickly nope out of that. I have seen it happen 3 times. Every time she claimed she was the victim and that she had done nothing to warrant them leaving or telling her that her behavior was not acceptable and she needs therapy. Even when I went NC, I am seen as the bad guy who hurt her for "no reason" and that it would be better for everyone if I just continue to tolerate her behavior and abuse so that I wasn't hurting or inconveniencing anyone (and she is not the only one in the family who believes or says this).

This isn’t true. They target anyone close to them. Family included….i have a very close relative who has it and I’m drained constantly. But this person attacks partners(can’t keep one), family(we only deal with because of the children but I’m close to saying bye to them all) and friends (they can’t keep those either).

You leave them. Every woman in my family has dealt with one or two. The only way to "handle" that situation is leave them and use as many resources as possible. Call the cops anytime you're being harassed, made to feel afraid, locked inside your own house, any violence occurs, etc. No contact. Gotta cut them out of your life cold-turkey. Take action or we stay their victims. Keep your head up and never look back. I believe you can do it. Don't be that 65 year old that's still married to an abuser for 30 years, constantly crying about the same person and the same problems. You'll love yourself so much more for it. Stay strong ❤ you're not alone

Radical acceptance or leave. If you can radically accept they are a narcissist then their pattern shouldn't surprise you.

Leave and go no contact

Why would you want to put energy into learning to deal with someone who doesn't care about your feelings, needs or experience? Just leave them. You might need to do some work to heal yourself from their mistreatment and the wounds that made you vulnerable to them in the first place. You deserve better.

@@rainbowconnected because not everyone has the luxury of leaving. Ignorance in reasons why may lead to your kind of comment.

You’re not the narcissist, my dear 😂

Those psychologists are crazy? They're not the ones who kept undermining your feelings and your personal boundaries.

THIS!

Thank you! If we keep telling everyone that they’re not a narcissist the second they ask whether they are one or not, we are basically stopping actual narcissists from becoming aware… That’s not what we want. I think for any doubts someone has about anything, we should hear them out before laying down “wisdom”, and we should not be too quick to reassure them blindly.

God can heal anyone. ❤

@@MiroirSauvageon exactly

precisely!