Thank you for sharing. You are beautiful and it gives my comfort knowing that I'm not alone.

Hey Ragan, I've been watching your videos for quite a while now. I completely understand where you're at. You did 3 months of "recovery" or at the very least..no behaviors and that's EXTREMELY admirable. I recently just underwent 1 month and a day of no behaviors and now I've found myself relapsing 2-3x's a week. I have been in denial myself thinking..well, 3x's a week isn't as bad as 4 or 5x's a week like I use to do buuut.... c'mon! lol its simply going backwards. I agree with your family/support that ASKING FOR HELP though its a major PAIN IN THE ASS is a key fundamental if you TRULY want this recovery! I have to start being honest with my fiancé and my mother whos been believing ALL my lies and secrets and its just been putting that much more pressure on me. I wish I could give you a hug because you've made soooo many many strides in the last year or so alone!! youre so pretty inside and out (i know EVERYONE says that line but I actually MEAN IT! lol) As far as the surgery goes...BE HONEST BE HONEST BE HONEST! if you couldn't do it before do it NOW because you CANNOT AND SHOULD NOT want to go through with a major organ being operated on without telling the doctor exactly what your LIFESTYLE is like RIGHT NOW no matter how FUCKED UP OR GREAT it is. YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON. ONLY YOU. I love ya sweetie and I don't even know you! stay grounded. You'll get there. Love, Samantha

I just love you!!! You have helped and related to my life in so many ways ,thank you!

You are loved because of who you are...not because of what you do or where you are "in recovery." You're amazing and wonderful every day. Today one of the things that add to the amazing is your honesty. You're not perfect. You're struggling. We want to be there (as much as one can "be there" through KZfaq) to support you and love you much as we want to be there to celebrate your victories. I hope you decide to go back to treatment. I think there's a reason your dietician and therapist are in the same place. Call it good fortune, coincidence, or divine intervention...but I think you should take it and run with it! Love you!

It's not the way your mind thinks, it's the way your ED thinks. *hugs* That's so great your old dietitian and therapist are there for you when you decide you are ready and have the energy for help. You deserve help because you're in pain, it has nothing to do with your weight, shape, size, proportions, whatever...I've struggled with EDNOS and I don't think I ever feel fully recovered, it's more of a 'two steps forward, one step back' kind of thing, and I HATE acknowledging that my ED is there in the background, but that has been the part I have accepted that has made the most difference, that I will always need a little bit of help. You are so strong for putting this video out there.

I've really been struggling lately also. Videos like these help me realize that I'm not alone.

omg i feel like my life is a mirror image of what you described in the video (minus surgery)...from being nearly overweight, not knowing how to lose weight properly, not feeling thin enough for treatment, and doing loads of behaviors despite not wanting to be struggling...

Your story is hitting hard right now. I'm a recovering anorexic/bulimic and, after being at my highest weight (which was not overweight) I decided to loose it again. Anything over 1000 calories I purge. This video is really helping me realize I need to stop and go back into control of myself. Thank you, and I wish you the best of luck

Get help girl! You so deserve to get out of this. You have the strength, you can do it. Get your electrolytes in balance, you need to fix that heart. If you only get one, you have to treat it right! That surgery is important, then working on the recovery is there too. You haven't let anyone down, you are an inspiration. I wish I had the courage to speak openly about my problems like you do. Get this done girl, you can do it!

You're such a sweet and genuine person! I hope you are doing better now :)

I agree so much with the "How does a person with a eating disorder loose weight without going into eating disorder ways" cause that's just what we're used too. It's either eat a lot or eat hardly anything and become obsessed. Such a dead end. I hope you figure everything out though

I know how you feel, girl. I'm happy to have an update, and I am happy that you are going back to treatment. I am at my highest weight ever right now too, and I'm not doing well with it. Thank you for telling us the truth about what's been going on too...eating disorders are hard and shitty and awful, but you have so many people who are there for you!

This sounds so similar to me. Highest weight, eating most stuff, occasionally overreacting, occasional purges...I hope there is a way out for both of us!

I'm at my highest weight ever too. I'm struggling so much as well.

Missed your videos! Its awesome your going to become an addictions counselor! You are awesome!

I love and appreciate your honesty! I have been watching your videos for some time and have missed them. I related to you so much and felt like you understood me so well even though we had never met or talked. I still feel that way especially after watching this video. I too had done well and got behaviors under control and have thus found myself at my highest weight ever. Sadly it keeps getting higher and no one can tell me why. I think it partly has to do with my overeating that has appeared out of nowhere. Anyways, I would encourage you to seek help. I have had help throughout my weight gain but I still feel stupid and like I don't belong or deserve their help. I even went to a treatment center briefly but quit because I felt so out of place. I too wonder how one loses weight after ED, especially since I now have become quite overweight and could stand to lose some. So this has become some rambly mess of nonsense. My point is that I love seeing your videos, think you're wonderful, and should do what you need to in order to help yourself be well. Take care and much love!

I weighed myself after a year and was also at my highest weight. The amount of panic and self loathing I felt was immense. I know how you feel Danilee :(. Let's hang in there.

I completely understand the thoughts you have about being embarrassed about your weight, and being in denial that you need help. Your behaviours are serious though and it seems like you're really struggling. I think seeing your nutritionist and therapist will really help you, and you should really focus on it before school starts and everything. I think that you should also put off the surgery if in the next few weeks you don't recover a bit.. maybe wait until you're stable again. It's funny because the most severe my eating disorder has ever been was several years ago, and ever since I've thought I was recovered, but then I similarly freak out and try to lose weight and end up restricting... I don't know how to go about it normally either. Right now I'm trying to eat healthy and exercise, but my mind is still obsessive on how I look/what I eat. It's really difficult.

Hon you should definitely take up the help. You being able to do that despite the negative voices would prove how strong you are. The way things are going you will have to eventually anyway and much better sooner than later. Accepting treatment now is a sign of strength not weakness. As for feeling embarrassed to go in, if you tell your therapist that then they will be able to talk you through those feelings. Do it for yourself and so that Ryan and your friends don't have to watch things go downhill again. Especially as you now have heart issues and ED behaviours could easily fuck those up even more. Xxx

it happens to the best of us sweetie. be happy that you have support, people who love the crap out of you. you've pulled yourself back into the light once and you could do it again. you're beyond beautiful inside and out.

So sorry to hear you are struggling :( Hitting a high weight is what triggered my relapse a few years ago... please please please get the help now because things can snowball pretty fast. Being "overweight" is only bad in essence because of health implications... it does not make sense to prevent it through damaging your body. Please take care hun and keep us updated xx

i told my job that i needed to take a break for recovery. they were very VERY understanding, and it was fast food. they really needed employees badly, and yet they didn't judge me. they accepted me back right away. (maybe cause they were desperate, but whatever.) It's totally worth the chance, is what i'm saying. and it will feel good deep down inside.

Hey regan. My dad and I watch every one of your videos together at night before we go to bed (when you do post them of course) and I know how you feel. I am at my highest weight as well right now and it's really hard for me too. I started purging for the first time ever (I suffered from anorexia 2 years ago with no purging) and that was about 5 months ago. I haven't purged since May and I am really happy with myself. I was recovering before that for about a year and was maintaining my weight. I don't know why I started I just did. I don't know what made me stop either, but I hope whatever struck me will come to you. Please get better, my dad and I are praying for you. :)

You're amazing and im proud of you.

Sending you loads of love and support! I completely get where you're at I am weight restored and I just Cant stop myself from eating and Im just getting bigger and bigger (I sound like Im Alice from Alice in wonderland but its true) my clothes dont fit me anymore.. and I did something stupid to restrict.. and even that isnt working.. basically I got my wisdom teeth extracted so that I could break the binging cycle. I could have delayed the surgery by 2 or 3 months but i got it done coz my head is so twisted at the moment. Anyway it didnt work I have an open wound in my mouth and Im still eating so many calories.. If you find a way to balance eating and losing weight then please do let me know! Love and hugs! Vish xxxx

i m really strugling too :/

Get back on the recovery bandwagon!! You can do it. If you're eating as your body requires you could even lose weight. Eat when you're hungry stop when your full and maintain balance not restriction. You've done this before and can do it again. Stay positive!!

I'm so sorry you are struggling. I know how you feel about your weight being the highest its been. Mine isn't the highest its been ever, but highest its been since I started recovery and it freaks me out.....but you and I have to remember that our body images are messed up. Plus, that number cannot tell you what parts are muscle and water weight so just because the number is higher does not mean you are any bigger. Muscle weighs more than fat. I really hope you do decide to go back to your dietitian and therapist. Maybe your therapist can help you figure out if you should go through with the surgery or not? Remember, they are there to help you, not judge you. They know your history and they don't care about your weight, they just want you to be as behavior free as possible so you can be your true self again.

At my highest weight as well, I know what you're going through.

I posted that last comment having only watched part of the video...but as it went on it's more and more similar. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place...I want to lose a little weight but I don't want to go back to the dark place of ED but how do I do this safely? I don't know!

please get help, i´m really worried about you now :( purging several times a day this is serious ! i really know how you feel i made the same mistaske of weighing myself some time ago and well...i also was like "ok i´m the closest to beeing overweight i´ve ever been.this is scary af" and now i feel ridiculous for seeing a new therapist for my disordered thoughts bc i have no behaviours. but anyways i also thought about how one in recovery loses weight without relapsing. i feel like the only way is eating intuitively and waiting for the body to balance out on it´s own. it´s scary and not easy but worth it i think bc you actually learn to trust your body again. and 1200 kcl is far from healthy even if you hadn´t an ED i´d be worried ! i once tried losing weight "healthily" in recovery eating 1600kcl i started feeling depressed and tired again and relapsed into purging and almost relapsed completely. i unsubscribed to all ED channels when i started recovery bc they were triggering except yours bc i really care about you and i think you are a lovely and beautiful person and i dont want you to relapse. please get help. x

Hey love, I know you were doing really well when you went vegan after your last time in treatment and I think that might be a good step to begin with if you're not ready for help right away. Just clean eating and balancing your proteins and vitamins (and not necessarily your calories) should help your body regulate its weight as well.

The hard thing about where you are is that once you have had the issues with food and body you kind of keep them. At least that is what my experience has been. You just need to do your best to put your husband and your future before the eating disorder. I am so sorry you are struggling.

I'm in the same position as you, regarding ED struggles. Let us know if you figure something out. You're beautiful, by the way. :) x

I was struggling with this too for the longest time . I strongly suggest you check out freelee on KZfaq . She has literary saved my life and gave me a whole new lifestyle . Stay strong girly .

trust me, I know that you won't believe me but, YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOSE WEIGHT! you said it yourself: you are not overweight. and... THE BMI CHART IS BULLSHIT!!! you can't trust it! you really need to get the help you need. trust me, I'm struggeling a little too, but getting better, and you can too, and you ARE worth it!

please try and get through this! your husband doesn't want to see you Ill again! you have a future with kids your weight is nothing compared to your lovely personality :) talk to someone professional like some therapy which might help! loosing weight won't solve problems xxxxx

I'll be sending you my live through a text. My thoughts and heart would be a hundred lines long, and it's SO much more impersonal that reaching out to you on the phone. Still, I wanted this marker to be here as you sift through your comments to know that a.) SOMEONE TRULY LOVES YOU -- knows a lot about you and still loves you anyway. b.) YOU CAN COME STRAIGHT TO ME -- no judgment, no questions, and doesn't have to be about "struggling". we can talk tv shows and your cool hair color, just to have someone who silently understands be in your corner. c.) YOU DIDN'T LET ME OR ANYONE ELSE DOWN -- by admitting where you are and braving posting it, you're still a role model for others to do the same. Silence is the biggest killer here and you're beating that. And d.) THIS WON'T BE LIKE THIS FOREVER -- i was the exact same age, same weight issue (that early twenty chunk is the WEIRDEST thing in terms of body and NO ONE tells you about the second-puberty you go through. Esp considering the other female issue you mentioned super quick to me and then didn't. I was there, girl. Even without you doing anything, your body will even out again. But we just gotta keep you healthy until then!) And one more time: I LOVE YOU, DANI. More than you'd ever believe me.

i do feel the same way, iam bulimic have been for 3 yeras, i have starting too loose weight agin just eating 700 cal a day , cant get the woises of my head i feel so fat and ugl, do yuo have any good tricks how too fight aginst bad ideas?

I deal with addiction to alcohol. I find it hard to eat foods. I have blood pressure out the but. So i am on medication and I think a liquid diet would be good for me so I feel good at work. Do you think this is a good decision?:

Please fight ur eating disorder voice im in the Same place u r I get it its hard get help then have ur surgery that will help u heal

you would look very pretty with make up!

I was just curious if you exercise?

I'm sorry you're not doing well and hope you do see your therapist and nutritionist for help but there's just one thing that's bothering me. Pretty much every video you have posted in the last year or more have begun by apologising for not uploading a video sooner. Please don't keep apologising if you're not gonna change your actions. You have to realise that there are people out here that may find some solace in your updates and when you don't post anything for months without any warning, you are letting them down. Fair enough if you are in a bad place, you need to take care of yourself, but don't come back after a long spell and say "Hey I'm back and gonna update on a regular basis" when you can't commit. We all know what you're going through and it's not easy so just tell people you're not gonna be posting for a while rather than have your followers anticipating a video - its just not fair on them. I don't wanna be harsh but don't have a youtube channel if you're not gonna post. Just take time out for yourself to get back on track, let your followers know and that's more than fine. I don't wanna make you feel bad but please be honest with your followers - they deserve that. Sorry if I've hurt your feelings but I just needed to say that cause I actually care. I really hope you get back on track, allow the people around you to help and be honest with yourself. All the best ;)