Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on KZfaq. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on KZfaq. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/

I bring my ex back into my life because I’m desperately missing the fun connection and fantasy bonds I had with him. Once he is fully back I start to panic because I know it isn’t gonna work out and he will do something to trigger my attachment trauma so I push him away for a month, then repeat..like an addiction to heroin or something

This was one of your best. I feel like if I listen to it a few more times I will have the strength to end my very toxic, emotionally abusive and stressful relationship.

Every time I watch this I feel such sadness knowing that my entire relationship was based on two people who didn’t have secure attachments and kept using the other to find validation and value.

It is so freakin hurtful to hear all this. Because I have been acting the exact same way. Way to go on our ways of maturing. Whoever reads this, youu are not alone. We all are somwhat broken people that need this video.

You are a gift straight from God. Thank you for being brave enough to put yourself out there and sharing this info with the world. You are a blessing.

Your words are a revelation to me and have forced me to answer some painful but ultimately liberating questions about myself. Thank you for sharing.

AP male here finally walking away from FA woman. Holy crap is emotionally brutal. The attachment trauma pain and panic is very real. You nailed it. Changed my number, shut down facebook, and am moving two hours away tomorrow. I am done ! The grief and pain is horrific but necessary

wow i never thought of it as being dishonest..ugh you are right though!

Wow, Alan! You have replaced all my other therapists! Each video is COMPLETELY hitting home with me and allowing me to see decades long patterns that I have not known how to deal with! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

The timing is impeccable in finding your video

Wow....thank you. I am in a crazy mess with letting go of a friendship. This is the most valuable explanation of what the heck I am trapped in! I have work to do.

Omg you hit the nail on the head the separated husband had enough I text like a lunatic ... I need to stop I'm so desperate and scared

I used to feel a great need to not be alone and a fear of being alone, but after much self-reflection, growth, and finding love and security within, I’m at the point that must of the time I’d rather be alone than with a partner that isn’t my ex. I don’t want to replace him- I want to be there for him and for him to finally know his worth. For him to feel capable of loving and being loved. I’m willing to be alone and continue to grow. I don’t feel desperate for him- I still believe in him.

Excellent video! I’ve been in a nebulous relationship with a man whose very clearly avoidant for about 16 months. He triggered my abandonment wound early on & has helped me to focus on what I still need to heal. But, it feels very one-sided & on his terms. He gets hours of free therapy & sex when he wants it. He’s very hot & cold (fearful avoidant perhaps) Thankfully, I don’t get triggered like I used to & when he pulls away, I let him. And I recognize I deserve more respect & reciprocity, so its easier to let him go. We actually met in Al-Anon, which has provided me with vital tools/skills to overcome codependent tendencies & to accept life on life’s terms 🙏🏻

Thank you for these videos. They have been very insightful and helpful in understanding myself. I was emotionally neglected by my mother as a child, and these videos have shown the impact it had on me. I have had attachment issues in my adult life and it has brought me alot of anxiety and depression. Knowing this now I can start to train myself on always being consious of it and addressing appropriately.

This dude is incredibly smart and seems to cover all the weird things that we as a couple, or as an individual, do in relationships.

My ex needs to see this video. But sending it to him would only encourage his dysfunction.

This is brilliant and spot on. I've just ended a 3.5 year relationship exactly like this. He begs and tried to convince me to get back together. But I am through. Just blocked etc.

Okay this man is SMART....VERY SPOT ON.

Brutal and profound. In the best way.

Wow you have to be brave to do this! As a love addict im not sure I could go through with it. You absolutely have to see it as a drug to you that you don't want to take ever again.

Best video ever!! Calling out our own BS so that we can end the patterns once & for all. I needed to hear the truth so that I can put an end to this pattern. Thank you Alan!!

ive been on and for just over two years. with someone who I know is using me. we argue fight. HE disappears for 3 months after an argument then HE returns 3 months later. and I take him back . only for things to be okay for about 3/4 weeks then the drama starts again and his off. I feel so empty when his gone. lonely and miserable. depressed. but when im with him its nice briefly then he makes me feel more low.. I was abandoned as a child, neglected with no mother figure.... I changed my number several times on this man. but he writes me and then I respond to his crumbs of relations after he disappears for 3 months. no see no here. I just want to be out of this hell

ooh I can envision this making the perfect wedding vows: "I do not have the skill to end. I need you to collude with me to avoiding my willingness to acknowledge that we have no healthy relationship, and I just want you to do the job of making me feel safe and okay even though 3 days later, 1 week later things will be as bad as ever."

wow, i have never been alone, i have no idea how to be alone. i don't ever want to be alone again. wow this is a game.??!!.you are soo right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You’re so intelligent on many levels. Thanks for the information!

this is so helpful!! for months I might be doing that game with my ex without being able to stop... I have to try what was said on the video whenever I get the courage to do

this just blew my mind. thank you

Your videos always make me feel raw and pensive, but everything you say has so much wisdom and truth. Thank you!

Uhhmmmm, holy smokes!!! What a profoundly new concept!!!! Wow!

THANK YOU so much for this video! I am speechless. This is of huge help. God bless you

Wow, nearly cried. This is me. Thank you.

BRAVO! Brilliant! This is so profoundly accurate. Thank you for sharing such useful content.

Thank you for this. It's not always easy to be honest with ourselves. This will certainly help me move forward.

wow, you are friggin amazing! this was very helpful, thank you!

Very clear. Thank you Alan.

This is exactly what I’ve been experiencing for the past 16 months! I’m in the last breakup right one week fresh and it hurts I can’t stop thinking about him and wanting him back. It’s crazy and so hard to overcome.

These videos are giving me hope. God bless.

Holy sh*t your words are the most honest thing I have ever heard

ive been waiting for this alan thanks

Exactly I take all the shit to hide the old trauma !!! Lies o my self every day but not to no one else but to ME :(

Love this guy at some point I'm going to have to sign up for his community just on the principle of the content on here.

I needed to hear this. Been in an on and off relationship for 5years...I need to burn the bridge. His emotional abuse towards me was horrible. I didn’t value myself enough to come clean and burn the bridge a long time ago...it’s so hard.

this speaks directly to me...exactly as if you have responded to me explaining my situation..wow

You are like the godfather of attachment trauma Alan ! Spot on 👌 Thankyou for your wisdom and insights

A healthy dose of reality. Thanks, A-Ro!

First video I've ever seen of yours. This is incredible... Grateful. Looking forward to checking out more.

Super on point

Wow . You say it exactly how Its with me.

This was excellent!

very profound

Holy shit! This was amazing This was the revelation I needed

There is no way I can be this pure…..I don’t even believe most couples are. But I am this guy. And I don’t even know if we can help each other heal because there is love there.

Wow spot on.

Wow!

Thank you Alan!

I love you Alan! Thank YOU for existing! I have acc been inspired by you to pursue a masters in counselling/ therapy after working in education for some time! From London, UK

oh wow...that sounds like me with my last relationship. I ended it then i was back, then friendship and it was all toxic and hurt. I've accepted a feeling of rejection and the fact that I dont truly want this man, I just didn't want to feel abandoned or a failure. I have changed my number and blocked all social media x

Thank you!

This video is beyond amazing. So truthful

Thankyou xx

OMG preach!

🙏👏👏👏👏👏💯. THANK YOU..I had to hear this

435 likes vs. 1 dislike... I'm impressed, I guess I'll listen.

Oh. Man. Lol :) Good stuff!

thanks!

I know I have attachment wounds but I ALSO believe that I was very much in love with my ex BF.

This is so true. Thank you for this video. I do this to my ex partner. I write paragraphs and paragraphs expressing my love out of neediness.

Thank you brother 👍

Thank you

Wow wow wow!! Sooo good!! You never fail in providing accuracy on what’s going on for me! Bless you

Just wanted to Thank you for this video.

Brilliant video and it hit me hard 100%. I'm recovering love addict due to abandonment and attachment issues. I just need to look for a secure partner in the future but have no clue how to spot this person because so many people were growing up in dysfunctional families that they developed different coping mechanisms/survival modes and that's why I was attracting toxic avoidants.

Well this just makes me feel used

This is gold.

Such strong advice

This video just got me all the way together

Thank you so much for this video.

Omg this is me

Fantastic!!

Oh my God! This is too much truth to swallow in one take, please Alan sugarcoat it a bit, our neediness and anxiety cannot tolerate this video. We need our fix for the moment.

Your subtle comedic delivery here is so delightful! I've come back to watch it a few times just for a good laugh! It's so real!

Ouch... Resonates too much...

That helped me a lot, thank you

the ever shuttle Alan .... you have spoken the truth about what I have been doing . she is a P.O.S. ABUSER , has hurt me deeply but I kept going back . what a fool I am ! I've been working on healing my codependency but not doing well with that . I don't think I can come back from this one . too late in life for me .

U changed my life

Please I’d love to have your view about this situation as there are long gaps of time btw on-off: From a behavioral point of view when it comes to attraction being always available no matter what doesn’t work, BUT what makes someone leave and go back to their exes (the one who’s always there) many times even after years apart? The dumper leaves and have new and long experiences with others and end up returning to the first ex. As if they have GIG syndromes from time to time and they last for a looooong period but the dumpee accepts them back regardless if it has passed 1 year or 3,4, 5 years apart.

Thank you for the info. I did ask her why but she told me to give me "space"

Burning the Bridge implies terminating the on and off relationship, does it not. Alan. If a person begins to understand the elements of fantasy, should there not be a new beginning that encompasses REAL COMMINICATION through texting if NOTHING ELSE? HOW LONG must a cat and mouse routine continue? If someone Is serious should not individual counceling begin...with you ideally being the go between, helping each of us take baby steps leading to trust one another? I will contact you Monday, following Easter. You are so very helpful, thank you for trying to negotiate an extremely difficult and sensitive healing.

why did I discover this channel so late!

Yes they are just the drug

Uhhh yes this is accurate

This makes me doubt myself. I am now more scared and guilty than ever.

And how do you learn to deal with separation/dettachment anxiety?

I'm afraid to completely burn the bridge due to me having 5 year old son with her. She will use my child against me if I do this. I love this advice though but I'm not looking forward to court for visitation.

My hearth just skip a beat now.... my ex wife did it all.... She as unable to end our marriage for years!!!

I feel this vedio very personal. And you are talking about me

Im 90days in no contact and called him once a few weeks ago. This feels like forever I get moments when I want him back so bad and wish he was in my life. But I know that’s a horrible self hating solution I shouldnt have opened up he will use it in a manipulative way n gaslight me 😭 its so hard not to try and find another relationship to be in right after this also… this is exactly why people don’t get married or have healthy relationships nowadays

we're both going thru individual theraphy,. we agreed we need to separate for healing,. we don't have set time for this separation which scares me bec does it mean I'm waiting for my husband to come back or for him to hand me the divorce paper?