Enmeshment, Codependency and Boundaries with Dr. Ken Adams

Рет қаралды 9,758

2 жыл бұрын

Do you ever feel like you’re being disloyal to your family for having your own life? Or do you feel like you’re second fiddle to your partner’s parents?
If so, you or your partner might come from an enmeshed family: a system of relating to each other that is based on dependency, guilt, obligation and too much closeness (yes, that can be a thing!).
In today’s episode, I’m bringing back one of your favorite guests, Dr. Ken Adams, to talk about the important topic of enmeshment - and let me tell you, he is SUCH a wealth of knowledge!
When I knew we were bringing Dr. Adams back, I asked The Adult Chair® community what you wanted to know about enmeshment and I was flooded with questions! So, I used this time with Dr. Adams to ask him YOUR questions - everything from the difference between codependency and enmeshment to what to do if your spouse is enmeshed with his or her family to how to let go as an enmeshed parent.
I know you guys are so excited to have Dr. Adams back and to get your questions answered, and I am too!
Listen to discover:
- The line between being caring and enmeshment
- The difference between codependency and enmeshment
- What to do if you come from an enmeshed family or your spouse’s family is enmeshed
- How to manage guilt when stepping out of an enmeshed system
- What a healthy family looks like
- How different cultural norms can foster enmeshment
- Tips for enmeshed parents who want to change their pattern of relating to their children or who are struggling with letting go
The key to recognizing enmeshment is to understand that it’s a connection bound by guilt. It goes beyond being caring and even beyond being codependent to the point of obligation, anger and being accused of disloyalty if you don’t follow the family system.
These feelings of guilt can make it difficult to set boundaries, but if you stay in your Adult, sit with your emotions and hold those boundaries, freedom - and possibly a much healthier family overall - is waiting for you on the other side.
“In those enmeshed systems, dependency is built on obligation and loyalty is driven by guilt.” - Dr. Ken Adams
“Autonomy and separateness feel like disloyalty.” - Dr. Ken Adams
“Sometimes outsiders are viewed suspiciously, which includes your spouse.” - Dr. Ken Adams
“Both partners are responsible for keeping out intrusions”. - Dr. Ken Adams
“Sometimes the guilt is a representation that you’re doing the right thing.” - Dr. Ken Adams
“You don’t let the guilt stop you from continuing the boundaries in that relationship.” - Michelle Chalfant
“It’s really building up self-worth around who am I now…who am I really underneath these masks that my parents put on me.” - Michelle Chalfant
LINKS & RESOURCES
Dr. Ken Adams Website
www.overcomingenmeshment.com/
Episode #256: Understanding Enmeshment with Dr. Ken Adams
theadultchair.com/podcasts/256/
Episode #276: Raising Teens from The Adult Chair® with Dr. Pam Staples
theadultchair.com/podcasts/276/
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MORE ADULT CHAIR
The Adult Chair® Website
theadultchair.com
The Adult Chair® Membership
theadultchair.com/membership/
The Adult Chair® Workshop
theadultchair.com/events/
The Adult Chair® Coaching Certification
theadultchair.com/certification
TAC Circles®
theadultchair.com/taccircles/
STAY CONNECTED
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Facebook: / themichellechalfantco
The Adult Chair® Facebook Group: / theadultchair
KZfaq: / michellechalfant

Пікірлер: 15

@MK.19. Жыл бұрын

Very insightful. My husband and I are from Punjabi Indian culture. The enmeshment between mothers and sons is unreal in our culture. Really sad when you’re the daughter-in-law and wife. Your are often sidelined and second priority no matter how many times your spouse will claim (after many years, not instantly) otherwise. The mothers are experts at indirect attention seeking (exactly as you explained, she will always claim she’s unwell or needs attention, especially when you and your husband are having a nice time). ON TOP OF THAT, you are often living with the in laws as soon as you marry and this is the first time, culturally, you get to live with your husband too. Now, imagine if he is enmeshed and you’re all living together. Yeah, very lonely and isolating. The son feels obligated and guilt and never wants to move out of the home. I couldn’t do it. Our marriage broke down as a result. He would always stick up for his mother and justify her actions and sly meddling (Indian mother in laws will rarely be obvious with this so the son finds it even easier to defend his mother. Or she will behave differently when you’re alone with her. Both tactics cleverly used by her). So heartbreaking! And if there is more than one son, the one left in the home will suffer with the consequences of enmeshment, particularly with their marriage. I tried to open his eyes up to this and asked him to set boundaries but he will drag his heels, turn it around on you that you are expecting too much or argue with you and create distance in the marriage as a result. His family will echo this and encourage him to pull away. Mother will always want to be priority to her son, especially emotionally. Even if her own husband puts her first.

@bridaw8557 10 ай бұрын

This happened to me and I live in North America. I’m Caucasian but I married a highly enmeshed family and mother demands enmeshment from her children and their spouses. The sisters in law were agents of the mother going after me. An incident happened before we got married that I should have protected myself and never married him. He’s a great nice guy. But so passive and let me handle the situation alone. I got very ill from this. I didn’t know what this was and there was no information about this issue in marriage. because I angry, depressed and sick they used this to come after me and gang up. They caused me to descend into a terrible place. I tried unalive myself. I’m still with him. She and her daughter live next door. She’s very elderly and I won’t be free until she’s gone. She’s so hellbent on getting her way and “winning”. By her son divorcing me. That didn’t happen and she acts like he died. He’s right next door for gods sake. She’s so selfish but accuses me of that. They all do. But our relationship has been destroyed and if it doesn’t change soon there will be nothing left of us when she if finally gone. It has destroyed 28 years of my life. I was always a threat. She’s so manipulative in a very subtle way. She still has power to manipulate my husband. She asked him really wept and victimy. A couple days before our anniversary “I dont know why she hates meeee?” I haven’t spoken to her for 8 years she and her daughter project everything onto me, that’s why. It’s a lonely life and if you see the signs of this don’t throw your life away by getting in this hellish drama.

@Ilovenature872 6 ай бұрын

I had to break off a relationship because my ex mother was very hostile to me. It's been almost 4 years, and the words replay in my head.

@vickilynn9514 2 жыл бұрын

You can feel driven by guilt in a disengaged and neglectful family also, when the kids feel responsible for their unhealthy parent. They are NOT opposite situations. And avoidance comes from enmeshment, bc relationships feel too intrusive. I feel like the characterizations here are not very nuanced.

@bridaw8557 10 ай бұрын

Yes. An avoidant attachment style and avoidance of committed relationships because they are still under the obligation of the family. If the mother and family ask for continued help into old age, there is no room for a spouse. If they do marry, the spouse is most likely to be codependent and anxious attachment style. The mother and family feeling threatened by a spouse who makes requests for boundaries, it causes lots of conflict and ends up breaking because the mother comes first and drives a wedge between them. That’s what happened to me.

@wheathusk2499 9 ай бұрын

Yes exactly this lady is talking out of the rear end 😂

@MinkaLovesPineapples 2 жыл бұрын

Fantastic video, thank you for this.

@VanguardOfLight 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you, this was a great video to start my day.

@saras.2173 6 ай бұрын

Start at 6:57

@annak3573 2 жыл бұрын

Sad, would have loved to hear what he was saying but the mic is really bad, I had to stop midway. Maybe do a mic-check with guests just to make sure your listeners can hear. I tried highering the volume then I had to quickly turn it down when it came to you and it got tiring after a while so I just let it go.

@janetplanet8811 2 жыл бұрын

Is it still “emancipation” if you blow up then storm out and never speak to your parents again? I probably needed some help with that. Ugh!

@bridaw8557 2 жыл бұрын

Dr. Adams, in other videos, has said that emancipation is not amputation. Putting a wall up but feeling guilty or not addressing the impact on your life is not emancipation

@Geronimo2u 6 ай бұрын

Codependent mother and a narcissistic father creates enmeshment within children, and eventually the codependent mother becomes a narcissistic mother as she had to cope with a husband who was narcissistic. Having enmeshment with adult sons , before you know narcissistic mother in law who really doesn’t want any daughter in law as they are in the way of their plans.. the children will experience problems in their marriages. Sadly you see the adult sons that live with their mothers, almost like surrogate husbands , you see the adult sons who are serving these mothers, but the same sons are often not great husbands to their own wives, and just a yuck of a mess.. some cultures like English and European they do this in an acceptable covert ways.. often playing the victim roles.. sone cultures like middle eastern are very overt showing and in America we just don’t talk about it until we get divorced, stressed or too enmeshed

@danijudy92 4 ай бұрын

Yes, yes, and yes. The only point to add is when the parents' marriage falls apart, the same narcicistic father will develop enmeshment with the daughter to fill the void of narcicistic supply left by the mother. These adult children will need to develop incredible insight and awareness for healing and strength to emancipate and hold a good boundary - or the cycle will perpetuate to another generation, if they can even manage to produce one.