The 5 Foundational Boundaries for Epic Relationships

The 5 Foundational Boundaries for Epic Relationships - Terri Cole

Рет қаралды 25,900

Күн бұрын

When you get into a new relationship, do you ever make assumptions that the other person has the same morals, values, and integrity as you…
…without having a conversation about those things?
Do you think healthy relationships just develop naturally on their own?
If this is you, you’re not alone. Unspoken assumptions + lack of communication around boundaries are some of the most common pitfalls we can hit early in relationships.
Healthy boundaries are the bridges to amazing relationships and deeper intimacy. Put simply, your boundaries are built on what is and what isn’t OK with you. They are your preferences, limits, and deal-breakers. Having healthy boundaries means knowing yourself, what’s important to you, and having the ability to communicate those things directly and transparently when you so choose.
I want you to think about them as your own personal rules for engagement - like a user manual for YOU- how you want to be treated and what your non-negotiables are. So many of us can make assumptions that we are all on the same page when it comes to these things when the reality is, we’re not.
Part of what can happen is something called positive projection, where we project our best qualities onto the other person. This is usually an unconscious process, but raising your awareness of it is important so things don’t go unspoken and assumptions don’t set us up for disappointment. We need evidence before we make a positive judgment about someone else’s character, integrity, and motives.
Why is it so hard to set boundaries in relationships?
Fear of rejection is a big part of it. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, we are showing up as the best versions of ourselves. There can be this sort of pink cloud of love’s possibilities where we want to avoid bursting that bubble.
With assumptions come silent agreements. That is why I say set your boundaries early and often. If you don’t talk about something at the beginning of a relationship, it’s almost like colluding with the other person’s behavior. When you let things that bother you slide, you are silently agreeing that it’s OK. What we want are clean agreements, meaning, we can communicate effectively to manage each other’s expectations.
Download the free guide that goes along with this episode here: www.terricole.com/5-foundatio...
Time stamps:
0:00 - Intro
2:06 - Why boundaries are your own personal rules of engagement
2:59 - Why are boundaries so difficult to set at the beginning of a relationship? (Positive projection, fear of rejection, silent agreements)
5:48 - How do healthy boundaries contribute to healthy relationships?
7:35 - Physical boundaries
10:52 - Emotional boundaries
13:01 - Sexual boundaries
14:47 - Intellectual boundaries
16:40 - Money/financial boundaries
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Back to Boundary Basics - • Back to Boundary Basic...
How to Handle Crossed Boundaries - • How to Handle Crossed ...
Raise Your Self-Esteem with Better Boundaries - • Raise Your Self-Esteem...
How to Set Conversational Boundaries - • How to Set Conversatio...
ABOUT TERRI COLE
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.
For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.
She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change. She inspires over 450,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, and her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. For more, see www.terricole.com/
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Пікірлер: 94

@terri_cole Жыл бұрын

@artistmaureensharkey5321 Жыл бұрын

If only I had been taught these things in grade school, my whole life would have been totally different, totally better, totally happier. Thanks for the excellent work. Thanks for being you.

@lisa.4444 3 ай бұрын

I agree. Schools should teach real world issues on how to be healthy

@marymcfadden6631 Жыл бұрын

This was excellent. Thank you. I appreciate your soothing voice. My 36th anniversary is next week and this is still extremely helpful. Healthy boundaries necessary for healthy love. Yes! I'm guilty of getting peeved at little things because he hasn't read my mind about something I don't like. This is a great reminder. It takes time and trust to talk about this stuff with our partners without getting defensive. Childhood triggers and all...thank you!

@howtosober 10 ай бұрын

Disorganized attachment and CPTSD have caused a lot issues and angst around boundaries. I always thought I was good at them, til I learned that I generally waited til I was angry and then issued ultimatums or canceled people altogether, leaving me with months (or years TBH) of resentment afterward. Setting up expectations in relationships with the little things can really prevent a lot of these breakdowns. I love what Brianna Macwilliam said in a video once: You can have unconditional regard [love] for people, but *relationships* are conditional. This is because we all have limited time, energy, and resources. So unlike a lot of New Age thought around boundaries, expectations, and unconditional love, it is absolutely appropriate to have specific standards about how we allocate those resources in our relationships and what we need to have in return. Thais Gibson's Integrated Attachment Theory model has also been of great help.

@terri_cole 10 ай бұрын

Waiting too long to set boundaries and exploding in anger is so common ❤️ It is hard when no one taught us how to do it. I 100% believe all of our adult relationships are voluntary, and we get to choose who is in our VIP circle (and who is outside of it). And yes, setting expectations and boundaries early and often in relationships can really help avoid damaging behaviors later on!

@kseniyaprovornaya1923 5 ай бұрын

My name is Ksenia. I'm from Russia. Thank you for putting it out clearly why I made so many mistakes in relationships. I hope I will learn the boundaries science. ❤

@terri_cole 5 ай бұрын

Welcome to my channel, Ksenia ❤️

@marilynoverton8142 Жыл бұрын

Extremely helpful, Terri! Thank you so much!

@missphilosopher187 Жыл бұрын

Hi Terri! I love when you say "Real Talk" because you bring that to me and it is giving me permission to be the "Real Me" a woman, the queen of my castle and surely in search of an epic relationship with myself and my king, wherever he is right now. Looking forward to Boundary Bootcamp!

@arminegasparyan1619 5 ай бұрын

Thank you Terri!! You are soooo beautiful and smart. I love you!!! Good work. Thank you so so so much!!! Love you.

@CallieKares Жыл бұрын

LOVE THIS! THANK YOU!!!

@patriciapaulineguevara4123 Жыл бұрын

Thank you, this was very helpful!

@maryellenbrown3131 9 ай бұрын

Thanks for all of your advice. I love watching you and have for years. You’re like the super wise strong loving compassionate mother I wish I’d had. Love you!!

@terri_cole 9 ай бұрын

Thank you so much, that means the world to me ❤️❤️

@fieldsofblueheather 7 ай бұрын

This was one of the most eloquent videos on boundaries I've encountered. So glad I clicked on it! Thank you for sharing.

@terri_cole 7 ай бұрын

❤️❤️❤️

@kathpeer2928 Жыл бұрын

Wow… this is spot on. Number two is super common. I need to cue my partner when I feel like I just need comfort vs. solutions. Thx Terri!

@terri_cole Жыл бұрын

So glad it was helpful! ❤️ Thanks for being here.

@emarivie 11 ай бұрын

Love this video. It opened up so many questions I wanted to talk about with my wife. Thanks a lot! I also loved your session in mindvalley!❤

@terri_cole 11 ай бұрын

❤️❤️❤️

@lisakrushinski9436 Жыл бұрын

Excellent video! Thank you, Terri!

@terri_cole Жыл бұрын

Thank you for being here! ❤️

@elkimball53 11 ай бұрын

Dear Terri, began listening to you recently & cannot believe how much I resonate. I feel like ....... . Amazing. Will definitely continue & hope to continue my journey. 😊❤

@terri_cole 11 ай бұрын

I'm so glad my videos are resonating with you! ❤️

@rosenan2292 10 ай бұрын

New to your channel and subscriber ❤ I had to make a cold turkey boundary to disconnect from a family member. They are trying to come back into my life and I am learning its OK to stay still and not have to give my peace up accommodate what they want. I've been 100% happier without the drama and I'm staying drama-free. 🎉

@terri_cole 10 ай бұрын

Welcome to the channel and thank you for being here 💕 Woohooo! I like to say, all adult relationships are voluntary.

@julianorelli9423 4 ай бұрын

I’ve just discovered your channel as I’ve been hoping to develop more open communication in my relationship and the way you put these videos is so encouraging!

@terri_cole 4 ай бұрын

I am so glad you find it encouraging, Julia ❤️

@user-om6kc4hf6k 11 ай бұрын

Wow, that was so eye opening. Thanks!

@terri_cole 11 ай бұрын

You are so welcome ❤️

@ogolastacy Жыл бұрын

Hi Cole...this was definately helpful😊.Some of the greatest things in relationships that we tend to avoid knowingly or unknowingly. I have learnt alot and this will sure go aloooong waaaay

@terri_cole Жыл бұрын

So glad you found it helpful ❤️

@paulaholder9292 4 ай бұрын

Thanks, Terri. This was very helpful. 😊

@terri_cole 4 ай бұрын

You're so welcome ❤️

@awardssteaming4304 8 ай бұрын

She's always so pretty🎉

@lrooney813 Жыл бұрын

Hi Terri I’m watching from Australia. Have you or can you do a KZfaq on Self Esteem within a relationship or friendship within the workplace and your life elsewhere?

@msdollana Жыл бұрын

Very helpful!

@sharonmacpherson Жыл бұрын

I watched 20 minutes of an interview with you, and it already has transformed my marriage. LOL. ❤

@terri_cole Жыл бұрын

❤️❤️❤️

@sarabel2390 Жыл бұрын

Excellent

@Cec67 Жыл бұрын

I wish we had access to these information long time ago, now that I look back and remember what went through because of corrupted data trying not to built resentment, as there’s no success from one sided work, I just journal, go for a walk and continue my journey of 35 yrs of marriage 😊

@SA-ww1ge Жыл бұрын

Relationship includes everyone u meet & know

@naresh2592 3 ай бұрын

A very practical video, however, I think it is for the young folks in a relationship and married couples. Definitely, some parts did enlighten my thinking. Many thanks. No flattery, most therapist always introduce themselves as "Dr this and Dr that", I think one reason i glued onto your channel is the fact that you present yourself as a regular human being which helps a person to be at ease.

@terri_cole 3 ай бұрын

Thank you! I teach what I most needed to learn in my 20s- I was a boundary disaster back then. I would challenge the thought that this is just for younger folks and married couples. I believe boundaries are the bridge to deeper intimacy in *all* of our relationships! It is the key to being authentically seen and known by those around us. 💕

@naresh2592 3 ай бұрын

@@terri_cole agreed. Many thanks for your reply.

@OneWhoKnowz 7 ай бұрын

Everyone in my life has no respect for me and I have tried to be understanding and compassionate, hold space, be patient and it isn’t working. My adult children , my overt narc sister and my covert mother. I don’t have many friendships and I struggle and it hurts and makes me want to be alone

@theman2017inc 7 ай бұрын

Hello Terri, coming to your channel 13 months after you posted this all needed vid (Tuesday October 17th 2023)

@terri_cole 7 ай бұрын

Well I'm glad you found it when you needed it! ❤️

@sylviacardona9815 11 ай бұрын

Hi Terri Thanks for this great program. In listening to you I realize how terrifying it is for me to even consider verbalizing my needs. my greatest fear is to ‘hurt people’s feelings’ or cause them any kind of discomfort. I would much rather be uncomfortable myself than witness someone else s reactions to me setting a boundary. Do you have any recommendations to start practicing saying what I need in kind and gentle ways, or better said, to overcome my own fears and remove the stress from this process?

@terri_cole 11 ай бұрын

Hi Sylvia- I think it would help to dive into the reasons why you feel this way. Was it modeled behavior in your childhood? Were you raised in an environment where your needs did not matter or that you had to prioritize the adults in your life? I think you need to have a deeper understanding about yourself before the process becomes easier. ❤️

@CaptainAngelo 6 ай бұрын

These are all great points, but I do hold issue with a venting situation, I’ve had women in my life that only want to vent and I have to sit there and listen to it for over an hour on a daily cycle and I’m not able to tell them how to fix it, which means they’re constantly venting about something that I know I could help them fix, it’s either that or I get to listen to it every day for an hour of my life, there has to be some difference between That as well. Maybe a boundary could be I don’t really want to hear you vent at me every single day and not allow me to try to help you with that particular problem. I actually have a female friend, not a girlfriend, but a female friend that I had to cut off for three months because of this very thing.

@terri_cole 6 ай бұрын

I hear you ❤️ It can be difficult, especially if it is the same issue that's ongoing and they're not able to make a change. I think it's okay to compromise here and suggest a limit. You can approach it with kindness and say, "Hey, I appreciate that you trust me and find comfort in venting to me about this thing, but it pains me to hear you talk about it so often because I see how much it hurts you. I'd love it if we could focus on spending time together as friends/partners, because I feel a little disconnected when this issue takes front and center. I know how badly it's impacting you, but it's impacting me, too, and I'd like to find a way forward. What do you think?" and see what they say. I'd make it less about "you won't allow me to fix it" because that is a valid boundary. After being a codependent "I will fix everything for everyone!" person in my 20s, I firmly believe that we do not know what is better for someone. Only they do. Alternatively, you can also try saying, "That sucks. I know you will figure it out, because you are the only one who can." "I have faith that you'll figure it out." That sometimes has a way of sending a gentle signal that you're shutting the conversation down. I've used it with chronic complainers before.

@liljemark1 5 ай бұрын

It's crazy when you stumble upon an answer to your life situation in a KZfaq comment! Thanks Terri for outstanding answer, and thanks Captain for the question.

@kimyoung3484 11 ай бұрын

Thank you 🌹❤️💙🌹🤩

@terri_cole 10 ай бұрын

You are so welcome ❤️

@cryssco1893 Жыл бұрын

Hi Terri great vid! In terms of boundaries with a supervisor, if I make a mistake and act rude toward my supervisor, and then apologize for it the following day, what would be the appropriate response from me when she didn't return my texts or phone call? I have to see her soon(a few weeks have gone by)and was wondering if I should bring up the fact that she ignored my text/call? I didn't like being ignored. Thank you:)

@terri_cole Жыл бұрын

If this person has power over you in the workplace I would let it go. Your side of the street is clean because you reached out and apologized.

@carolgerber6375 Жыл бұрын

Do you have a podcast about setting boundaries with friends?

@terri_cole Жыл бұрын

I do! kzfaq.info/get/bejne/hJNlq8igntnQcqM.html

@SerendipityInTheSky Жыл бұрын

What boundary is being crossed when someone else projects/makes assumptions about you’re beliefs and values that they are the same when you feel they are actually quite different? This happened to me in a dating scenario recently and I’ve felt it to be very off putting. Especially when this person stated, after me expressing I only wanted to be friends, “it’s so rare to find someone who shares your beliefs”. While I was never attracted to them, I think they are a kind, interesting person worthy of connection but this had made it frustrating to be around them. I felt I had shared quite a bit about my views previously but this person was not seeing me only who they wanted me to be. I ended up having to be quite strongly explicit about key differences in the sensitive area of beliefs that was more confrontational than I would have liked to have been. Are you, Terri, or anyone else, able to provide any insight to what is bothering me here so I can set a better boundary around it in the future?

@terri_cole Жыл бұрын

Hi Cala- Not being seen accurately is painful and annoying, especially when you have tried to explain. I'm not sure how much time passed, but perhaps correct the wrong assumption sooner rather than later (as clearly as possible) and you might be less likely to be confrontational. ❤️

@elizabethbrehm8996 9 ай бұрын

I wish I would’ve known as 31 years ago. This is great.

@terri_cole 9 ай бұрын

❤️

@Maliilse75 Жыл бұрын

Hi Terri, I'm wondering where the "how to communicate" falls in your boundaries? For example, texting etiquette, wanting to get an answer if we invite someone for a drink, or just feeling acknowledged after sending a sweet email to a friend. For me, it's important that my communicational investment is reciprocated. For example, I really appreciate when someone apologises for not replying sooner to a text. It's more than good manners. It's feeling respected.

@coachcurtishaman Жыл бұрын

Agreed! Please let me know that you got my message and understood it ( when needed)

@Nonnaam 4 ай бұрын

Hello dear ❤ you know this my first time to find out there is professional talking about this subject.. in my society we know very little about that and raised with no self boundaries mostly specially for girls 😢

@terri_cole 4 ай бұрын

I am so glad you found my channel then! Boundaries definitely have a big cultural element to them, especially when it comes to women and girls. ❤️

@alinasuvorina6435 12 күн бұрын

Hello Terri, Thank you for your great videos. I would love some advice from you. My partner and I have been together for 4 years. We also work together as acrobats, so our job is very physically and mentally demanding, not to mention dangerous. We also spend pretty much 24/7 together because of our job. Most of our arguments tend to happen at work. For example, today at rehearsal, I was critical of some of our skills (mainly critical of myself). He said I was being moody and started to get angry at me. When I told him I was not being moody, I was just simply pointing out some issues in my work, he got more and more angry and proceeded to swear at me in front of colleagues. It was not extremely loud, but I’m sure it was enough for people to hear. I’ve told him over 100 times that I cannot tolerate him swearing at me or calling me names, EVER. No matter the situation. He still continues to do it. When he does this, I withdraw and find it difficult to say anything as I feel so hurt. This again reinforces his anger and things just snowball. After this, I just don’t want to talk to him at all because if I stand up for myself, he will react in a defensive and petty way (“well if you weren’t so moody I wouldn’t do xyz”). He just wants me to say sorry, forgive him and move on. I find this very hard to do. How do I set boundaries with him when we work together? For example, this incident was 30 minutes before our show, so there was no time to “discuss” and figure things out. I had to just bottle things up and trust that everything will be okay on stage. Thank you ❤️

@terri_cole 11 күн бұрын

I am witnessing you with so much compassion as that sounds so difficult 💕 You are well within your right to tell him not to treat you this way at work (or in general!). Do you enforce the boundary? Like, "Hey, I've asked you before not to yell at me at work. The next time you do so, I will remove myself from the situation." And then walk away. Go to the bathroom and take some time to gather yourself again, even if it's just for a minute. By walking away, he might get the message more clearly. I'd also suggest exploring whether the relationship has some elements of codependency in it, because taking on each other's moods can be a sign of that: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/e7xzhdyZzr_JgIk.html I also have a follow-up video of how to gently heal a codependent relationship here, in case you recognize some of the signs: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/i6yfh9V7m7bOhJc.html Lastly, I have a video about how to deal with a defensive partner here: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/eKp8f6qHqLnZnHk.html It includes some tips on establishing fair fighting rules, as well as some other preventative tips that may help smooth things over. It might be worth having a discussion, during a neutral time, about what tends to set these arguments off. Can you notice any patterns? It might also be worth asking why your partner got activated when you were criticizing yourself. I hope that helps xo

@alinasuvorina6435 11 күн бұрын

@@terri_cole Hi Terri! Thank you so much for your response. I always ask him to stop and request he doesn’t treat me this way, but I never walk away. Next time I will try this. I watched your video on co-dependence, and honestly I would answer no to pretty much all of the signs (from the perspective of myself and my partner) except, as you mentioned, our moods depending on each other. We almost get annoyed at each other when the other person is in a bad mood. Then everything spirals. I guess we need to find a way to slow things down before they burn up. Thank you so much again !

@terri_cole 10 күн бұрын

Yes, definitely try walking away next time! I have a video about boundary violations and enforcing consequences here, too: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/gNiWnJVluKetf5s.html I also think it would be best to have an open conversation (if possible) about the pattern of getting annoyed when one of you is in a bad mood. Think of it as you two against the problem, rather than against each other ❤️❤️ That might spark curiosity over defensiveness. Then you might be able to institute a State of the Union meeting every-other-week to check in with each other and have a dedicated space to air grievances in a productive way (details are in the other video I linked about defensive partners).

@andreaanonymous5474 10 ай бұрын

When I have a problem and I tell someone, I would be delighted to have someone fix it for me. I have a hard time understanding why people like to wallow in their problems and get so upset when someone can fix the problem they are upset about and tries. That seems very unhealthy to me. I want my problem fixed, always. I will always offer someone a compassionate ear to just let things out, but why wouldn't you want someone to help fix the thing that you are upset about if they can? To me, that makes the problem go away, I immediately feel better. No more problem. Because of this, I always try to fix someone's problem when they tell me about it. Imagine someone breaking a leg and having severe pain, wouldn't you rather have someone wave a magic wand and make the pain go away? Or would you rather they just sit there and watch you cry? It's the same basic concept. Just food for thought. My reply to Terri's comment below that would not post: Firstly, to be clear, I have never had anyone fix my problems, nor did I expect them to. Perhaps that's why I feel the way I do. I was however, surrounded by narcissists and toxic people most of my life. People that had very little empathy for others. My problems, when rarely if ever, expressed, were never emotional. My problems were only practical. If I shared a problem with someone else it would have been nice to have them try to fix it if they were able to. I personally never sought help with an emotional problem since I am the only one that can fix those. Secondly, why would you assume that someone thinks that you are a problem that needs to be fixed just because they are trying to help you fix something that is bothering you? That seems very unhealthy and like you are projecting your own issues onto them. Them helping you is sign that they care about you and want to help you. They just want to help you with whatever you are currently dealing with. YOU and YOU ALONE are the one that sought out their help in the first place. If you don't want advice then you need to express that at the beginning of the conversation, you can't expect someone to know that you just want to complain or vent about your problem but don't actually want to fix your problem. People aren't psychic and it's not their job to instinctively know that you don't want advice or a solution to your problem. That is very unhealthy to expect them to know that. Additionally, I have personally found that the most empathetic, caring people will try to solve your problem if they can, because their heart breaks for you and they just want to help. Personally, I find the people that don't try to help others like this, generally lack empathy and they seem very cold to me. That's just been my personal experience.

@terri_cole 10 ай бұрын

You have every right to want and allow others to fix your problems. Personally, I'm well aware that no one else can solve my problems but me. That doesn't mean that I don't brainstorm with people who I respect, that doesn't mean I don't ask for opinions at times. It means I don't want someone assuming that they know what I should do because I am not a problem for others to fix. Instead of fixing others, I simply ask, “How can I best support you right now?” and let them tell me what they need from me. So I would not describe it as sitting there watching someone else cry- more like respecting their sovereignty. ❤️

@andreaanonymous5474 9 ай бұрын

@@terri_cole Firstly, to be clear, I have never had anyone fix my problems, nor did I expect them to. Perhaps that's why I feel the way I do. I was however, surrounded by narcissists and toxic people most of my life. People that had very little empathy for others. My problems, when rarely if ever, expressed, were never emotional. My problems were only practical. If I shared a problem with someone else it would have been nice to have them try to fix it if they were able to. I personally never sought help with an emotional problem since I am the only one that can fix those. Secondly, why would you assume that someone thinks that you are a problem that needs to be fixed just because they are trying to help you fix something that is bothering you? That seems very unhealthy and like you are projecting your own issues onto them. Them helping you is sign that they care about you and want to help you. They just want to help you with whatever you are currently dealing with. YOU and YOU ALONE are the one that sought out their help in the first place. If you don't want advice then you need to express that at the beginning of the conversation, you can't expect someone to know that you just want to complain or vent about your problem but don't actually want to fix your problem. People aren't psychic and it's not their job to instinctively know that you don't want advice or a solution to your problem. That is very unhealthy to expect them to know that. Additionally, I have personally found that the most empathetic, caring people will try to solve your problem if they can, because their heart breaks for you and they just want to help. Personally, I find the people that don't try to help others like this, generally lack empathy and they seem very cold to me. That's just been my personal experience.

@averagejane09 8 ай бұрын

I am here looking for ways to communicate about boundaries for communication. How frequently should one expect a partner to check in? What is unreasonable? Also about the concept of prioritizing a relationship. What does that mean exactly?

@terri_cole 8 ай бұрын

Well, how often does your partner currently check in? How often would you like them to check in? How often do THEY want to check in? If both parties are willing to compromise, what is "reasonable" becomes clearer and less of a worry. It sometimes helps if you also communicate why you'd like your partner to check-in (for example, if it makes you feel loved or cared about). If your love language is words of affirmation, then checking in might mean a great deal to you. But if your partner's love language is touch, they might not easily understand why it's important to you. Getting clear on each other's love language can help here. ❤️ I'm not clear on what your question is on the concept of prioritizing a relationship. Could you please expand on that?

@averagejane09 8 ай бұрын

@@terri_cole Thank you Terri! Check ins for me are definitely about feeling connected but also safe as it relates to transparency and trust. For me the frequency of check ins would ideally be a couple of times a day, but might be more or less depending on specific circumstances. I am unsure about our love languages, though I did just buy the book :) Guess we can have some discussions about that. For prioritization, I am referring I guess to say for example, prioritizing your partners needs over your buddies. Not that other things and people should not also be priority in a person's life and understanding that you should support these other priorites in your partner's life, but ultimately, if you had to choose between doing something that would have a negative impact on your partner, then you should prioritize your partner over the other thing or person. Hope that isn't unreasonable. When we were first dating, I told my person that a partner should be the priority. He said he didn't see a difference between friend and partner in that way. That was over a year ago, so we have not revisited that since, but I have not forgotten as the relationship has lasted. Not sure about perspectives and possibly wording on that subject. Would love your opinion. Thanks!

@katyjoanna3354 14 күн бұрын

I'm just wondering about boundary violations that are repeated and could be looked at as systemic? When I say 'repeated' I mean similar things and patterns are repeated. Specifically, in my partnership it's about taking responsibility. He avoids it very strenuously. Whenever I establish boundaries (which is frequently), he agrees to them but then the next time has forgotten. I feel it is to do with the patriarchal system whereby women's tasks and women's labour is not seen. Acknowledgement would be tantamount to endebtment, I think - so acknowledging what I do is very difficult for him. Seeing that I am pushed into doing what I do, because nobody else steps up and it is about the children's welfare, is near impossible for him. He recently said in therapy "she puts a lot of pressure on herself". This resulted in a near breakup because I have now understood what it means. The labour of not accepting the indignities and the injustices, and of constantly putting up boundaries, I simply feel exhausted. On the other hand there is nowhere for me under the children to go, without him we have no home and I have very little money. I only mention this because it is not that I am free to walk out any time. I desperately wish that were the case. At which point, I should mention that I love him and I actually really want things to work between us. But I also know what we are currently doing is unsustainable.

@terri_cole 14 күн бұрын

Yes, absolutely! I have a video about strategic incompetence here that speaks to this a bit: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/ibSFhpOB29jHiI0.html And a video on how to stop doing all the emotional labor here: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/mbWGpdulvNTecqs.html You might also like this interview I did with Laura Danger, who specializes in this topic (creating more equity at home): kzfaq.info/get/bejne/pLN4mc55lbXTmoU.html I am wishing you all the best, and thank you for highlighting this as I know many women in my crew struggle with it in their relationships, too. ❤️❤️

@katyjoanna3354 12 күн бұрын

Thank you so much for this. It's very kind of you to reply, and the links you've sent are fantastic. This is really important work you are doing here ❤️

@terri_cole 11 күн бұрын

❤️❤️

@bjensen3671 4 ай бұрын

What if you’ve told your husband multiple times that you need a few minutes to yourself when you get home from work and he still jabbers at you as soon as you get home?

@terri_cole 4 ай бұрын

I would set a consequence for him crossing that boundary. "Hey, I've mentioned several times that I need a few moments to myself when I get home from work to unwind, and then I am happy to catch up with you, but you have disregarded this. The next time you begin speaking to me as soon as I walk through the door, I am walking to the bedroom and closing the door to decompress. Please do not follow me." Be prepared to follow through. You may have to do this a few times before he adjusts. You can say it with love and kindness and remind him that you need to decompress to be able to actually connect with him after work (which is what you both want). ❤️

@caleuxx9108 Жыл бұрын

How about being criticized and shamed for having and expressing boundries.

@terri_cole Жыл бұрын

I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ Try this vid - it's about abuse enablers, but it has scripts that might apply: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/qrqEe8yk3Lq7kXk.html

@suzayer 5 ай бұрын

I'm new here

@terri_cole 5 ай бұрын

Welcome!

@hopeforfreedom 6 ай бұрын

It's a whole nother thing when somebody is calling you names and forcing sexual things on you and you're not able to get away and nor is there room for any kind of conversation even though you've initiated it many times. What do you do in that case then because I have tried and tried to understand but I suppose I should tell you that I've got myself into a spiritual mess that I don't understand because these entities are saying that what I am doing or believe is dogma and I suppose that could be because they might believe that they can do whatever they want and it should be okay

@terri_cole 6 ай бұрын

That sounds difficult, and I am sorry you're experiencing this ❤️ I have a video that might speak to the spiritual stuff more: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/kNmihc2jyr6cgqs.html