Family estrangement: 5 reasons why they don't tell you they are leaving

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Family estrangement: 5 reasons why they don't tell you they are leaving

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The Scapegoat Club

Күн бұрын

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@limolnar 5 ай бұрын

Estrangement isn't a split-second decision, and usually takes many years to work through, but the determination is often distilled into a single moment of courage. This bravery must be celebrated.

@charlotteinfj4412 5 ай бұрын

Thank you. I wholeheartedly agree. My whole life I never had a mother but an abuser. It is infuriating to me how every time I and people like me speak up there is always someone to tell us : "BuT iTs YoUr MoThEr ! wHy DoNt YoU FOrGiVe HeR ?? Like it was never our dream to have a mother. Like we decided to be motherless.

@thescapegoatclub 5 ай бұрын

Thank you! Yes, 100%. People who say estrangement is an off the cuff decision are just looking to minimize or refute the idea that we have thought long and hard about our choice. The thought that we choose to cut them off after much consideration is impossible for some to bear.

@limolnar 5 ай бұрын

@@thescapegoatclub I personally thought about estragement and made the decision that it had to be done at the age of 18 but didn't go through with it until 30 years later. Three decades. That's not split-second.

@MusiCatsKing 3 ай бұрын

For several years i kept my distance only seeing them at Easter & Xmas. In Oct 2011 (when i was 30), my beloved grandma passed on. Aged 87, she was the only relative i felt truly loved me. I mourned her deeply. After the funeral, i became inconsolable and latched onto my mum in a sobbing, hugging mess. She tolerated me for a moment and then while letting me go and gently pushing herself away she grimaced a smile saying, "Alright M______, that's enough. Come on, you're embarrassing me!" I had to let her go still inconsolable and nobody else would hug me. I got a hand on the shoulder by the pastor for a few seconds. That's it. When reluctantly spending Xmas with them again and realising the hypocrisy of it all, it was through this grief i found clarity. Why the hell am i wasting my time putting myself through all this time and time again...? I confronted my mum about a list of things. This was her last chance to sway my decision the other way, but i never got the closure i needed. So, as i left i hugged her goodbye for the last time and never saw them again.

@thescapegoatclub 3 ай бұрын

I'm sorry for all your losses. Hope you are doing ok!

@MusiCatsKing 3 ай бұрын

@@thescapegoatclub And last week was Child-neglect Day (mothers day) here in Australia which had me spiralling again while everyone (incl. media-spin) kept rubbing it in.

@lilianfowler7988 Ай бұрын

You become your own parent. The one who let's you know you are okay and their toxicity is invalid. Who tells you positive things about yourself. When her demeaning words come into my head I speak to myself.

@philosophy_schilling 5 ай бұрын

Thank you so much for making this video. The message so important and needed.

@thescapegoatclub 5 ай бұрын

Thank you. I’m glad you found it helpful. Wishing you the best with whatever brings you here.

@sonicleaves 5 ай бұрын

I never told my "mother" why I ghosted her 4 years ago because I know she knows why. There's really no need to get into it. After all this time, she feels like a stranger to me anyway. I had a baby at age 40 in those years we haven't spoken, my daughter is almost 3 now and my "mother" has never even acknowledged her existence. To me, that is unforgivable. It's been too long now and so many dark secrets and skeletons in my family's closet. It's time to close that door and focus on my little family. I have a husband and 2 girls and I don't want that kind of abusive dark energy around them or in my life at all.

@taralilarose1 5 ай бұрын

I don't blame you but your mother could be forgiven if she has a good reason such as illness.

@charlotteinfj4412 5 ай бұрын

@@taralilarose1 No, you don't understand narcissism at all. Being ill doesn't make you mistreating people. This is abuse. Sonicleaves has every rights to stop this abuse from her mother and she is right to protect her children from her "mother".

@taralilarose1 5 ай бұрын

@@charlotteinfj4412 No, you don't get to speak for someone else and you don't even know me Ms. Judgmental/Co-dependent.

@charlotteinfj4412 5 ай бұрын

@@taralilarose1 I speak from my experience lovely lady. All right, tell us from your experience how being ill make you or others mistreat people ?

@limolnar 5 ай бұрын

Even as a child I never called my mother "mommy" or "mama" because she was never that; she was always "mother"...and barely that.

@sll110 4 ай бұрын

I feel this is very Personal, even some Narcissists family members also cam discard you if you are useless for them... but for the Scapegoat, you do that for saving your lives

@morrisdennis Ай бұрын

I did it 2 my entire family both sides...

@meerkat783 3 ай бұрын

Estrangement seems to become generational so to those who’ve chosen that pathway, prepare as the same may well happen to you.

@lilianfowler7988 Ай бұрын

I didn't have children to meet my needs. You are being rather childishly threatening.

@sll110 4 ай бұрын

I heard several people said, they totally NO contact with their family members, and they all feel that is best decision they made for their whole lives...... I agree, Nothing to say..

@charlotteinfj4412 5 ай бұрын

Sorry but I don't feel like this video is for scapegoat. We know why we stopped talking to them. To stop the abuse. This video is for my covert narcissistic "mother" who "don't understand" why I don't want to talk to her after decades of telling / asking / begging her to stop her abusive behaviour. She still doesn't understand because of her narcissism. She will never get it because that would imply to look at oneself. And her narcissism cannot allow that. In a narcissist mind they are not to blame ever, you are the problem always.

@FierceRabbit11 5 ай бұрын

Hi @charlotteinfj4412, I hear you. Chess is responding in this video to comments she's received from people who have been estranged from. You're right that this video isn't directly for us as the audience. I think it *is* for us indirectly though, in the sense that: 1) I feel validated by Chess as she gives these reasons. 2) she is taking some burden of explaining from us. 3) She is helping to relieve some of the pressure we receive from people demanding answers, and 4) she is helping abusers reflect on their behaviors without the folks who were abused having to engage with them. Whether they ever will or not is not in our hands. Wish you well ❤️‍🩹

@charlotteinfj4412 5 ай бұрын

@@FierceRabbit11 Thank you for your kind reply. I didn't consider all of these reasons. Wish you well too.

@thescapegoatclub 5 ай бұрын

Thank you both for raising this point and being open to discussing it. @charlotteinfj4412, it is always a difficult choice to put out a video that talks more to the other side and not the scapegoats. Thank you @FierceRabbit11 for saying how you find it helpful. I wonder sometimes if I’m crossing too many lines! But I really appreciate the wisdom you both, and the other scapegoat members bring, in being open to considering different perspectives with the idea of understanding and opening the dialogue around such painful subjects. I am grateful to you both for your grace and generosity of spirit in exploring different perspectives. You keep me motivated and I wish you both well with whatever brings you here. 💗💗

@sll110 4 ай бұрын

she knows!! she knows Everything, she just enjoy and don't CARE... you still over estimate Narcissists Mother

@charlotteinfj4412 4 ай бұрын

@@sll110 Yes, I know now she was manipulative. And it hurt.

@morrisdennis Ай бұрын

The phone works both ways.

@sll110 4 ай бұрын

in this Selfish and Fake world, Only two people Forever with you until you die, the people who Truly Deeply love you care you, unconditional love you, and yourself, others, come and go, most common sense

@morrisdennis Ай бұрын

Estrangment is a epidemic nowadays...

@LSMH528Hz 5 ай бұрын

There could be very many reasons I'm guessing with many perspectives on them. "Too much" of them may be one ? Like people don't want to get lost in the maze again ? Or perhaps they are manipulated into some kind of unacceptable behaviors by someone else that wants them out of their life who is ashamed of what they done or neglected to do themselves ? The shame/blame cycle seems ever present in narcissistic relationships. People could get dizzy thinking/guessing about it. It's a hard spot to put your brain into. Too many unknown variables. A place people could get stuck. But yea, I'm guessing Chess is right saying in a lot of cases deep down people know why, or should I write "feel" why. And thinking the ratio can reason it away like in a courtroom where all the evidence is presented in a orderly fashion does't help to get to the feeling. Hahaha, could be something for a Tv show, "Narc Court" with Judge Chess. 😂 Oh and that wouldn't work and become messy very fast like the old Jerry Springer shows and did anything ever get resolved on those shows anyway ? IMHO you don't want to get stuck there like frozen solid, yea, easier said then done I know. But don't give up looking for that feeling of enjoying a nice summer day, one at the time. Chris Rea - Looking for the summer kzfaq.info/get/bejne/hrFmptyDp9GmcWw.html Haim - Summer Girl kzfaq.info/get/bejne/kNCldMKgm7DeqaM.html

@aliceelkins9845 5 ай бұрын

Not very helpful. I hear a middle aged woman whining about having her feelings hurt. No gratitude...just all about her and her feelings. When someone is so wrapped up in their feelings, they can't acknowledge that anyone else has a valid point. I see someone who ignores all the thousands of sacrifices that her parents made and can't accept that they are human beings with flaws just like her. She can walk away from them because her feelings are hurt and accepts no responsibility and feels no need to honor her parents in any way

@charlotteinfj4412 5 ай бұрын

It's easy to trample on someone else feelings when you don't have to walk in their shoes. Why are you here ? Because your child don't feel the need to "honor" you and went no contact ? This is The Scapegoat Club not "The people with average parents club". Most of us had awful parents. Take your own advice and acknowledge our point of view if you can. Those awful and deadbeat parents didn't make any sacrifices, they sacrificed us. That is why so many are estranged.

@mixedlag 3 ай бұрын

Said like a typical dismissive, self-absorbed, bitter woman who takes no responsibility for their side of the crappy dynamic. It's not just about 'hurt feelings' or crying over nothing but spilt milk. Some of us have been severely abused and actually mobbed. (Bullied and attacked by entire family.) So it's actually a matter of safety as much as sanity. As per your biting sarcasm, seems you believe boundaries shouldn't be a thing. "How dare my doormat abandon me!" Isn't that right?

@MusiCatsKing 3 ай бұрын

Sounds like you're the one wrapped up in your own feelings. The cognitive dissonance here is astounding. Your child is not invalidating all the sacrifices you have made - just that all those sacrifices don't make up for all the crap you did (or allowed to have done) to her.