I am a 63 year old woman who has lived with Anorexia for 50 years. As you can imagine I have experienced numerous treatments and had times of appearing to be 'better' but in reality I never was. I am now at my worst ever, both physically and mentally. I wish I had met someone with your insight decades ago. Before Anorexia became all I am and all I have left. Your insight into this awful illness makes me believe that there is so much hope for you. That your future will not lead you to where I find myself at 63 years of age. Your recovery will be a long, hard fight. There are bound to be some slip ups along the way. BUT even though I do not know you I truly believe that you have a future that is not 100% controlled by the demon on your shoulder, ie Anorexia. I have great admiration for you and for your courage and ability to articulate what having an Eating Disorder really means. I send you my very best wishes.

Fi--the old saying should be made into, "one step back, two steps forward". Thank you so much for sharing the reality of recovery. Those of us in recovery from any issue take comfort to know that setbacks happen as a way to temper the steel. Your transparency is a salve that paves the way forward!

Thank you for sharing! It obviously takes a lot of strength and courage but so instructive!

The hole analogy is spot on. I’m so glad to see you working through all your beliefs and emotions. Even the strongest, most neurotypical people need help. Please, always ask for help. I’m so proud of you! ❤

Trauma is a major contributor to relapse. Im so sorry you experienced what you did.

It totally makes sense. Thank you for sharing theese very important thoughts 💝 lots of love from Sara

Thank you for showing us it ok not to be ok. But it’s important to realize it and work on the root cause of the problem ❤️ you give me hope that I can concur my demons one day.

Relapse is very often a part of recovery, it happens. Forgive yourself and keep going. I relapsed so many times, but have just celebrated 10 years fully recovered. And you make a very important point, which is you are gonna feel like crap a lot. The emotional work takes longer and hurts more sometimes.

this is definitely true of recovery, fi! i found that even as i restored physically (in my first few attempts at recovery), i wasn’t okay mentally. and while it’s important to slow down and truly address the mental struggles, it also was important for me to keep pushing through (while being honest about the struggle). it took my brain a much longer time to heal than it did my body, and recovery isn’t a process that has an end point; it’s okay to keep learning and finding new ways to move forward. i hope you can keep learning more ways to keep on keeping on. sending gentle hugs ❤

Mental health issues are SO insidious!! You are so right, the external is "everything is fine, I should be fine" and internally there are just storms and floods, and it is SO HARD to face those issues. It's so much easier to "control" the external. "we're not seeing this as things going horribly wrong, we are seeing this as an important part of my journey" is EXACTLY right. You learned something about yourself, and you know that about yourself going forward. You are so brave, it is always SO brave to look at those storms and floods and say "I am going to do something about this"; it is so much braver to tell somebody else you need help with it. You can do this, and you deserve all the gentleness you share with others focused on yourself, too. Still and forever your hype girl in Ohio. I believe in you.

You have been so brave sweet girl. Please give yourself grace. We are all brought into this world with no instruction manual.

Yes, white knuckling mental recovery is just so hard and won’t last. And I understand completely looking better but not feeling mentally and emotionally like you fit the physical bits. You have an important message about slowing the process down.

I relapsed awfully after just worrying about “physically getting better” instead of mentally doing better. Eating disorders are an external reflection of what is going on inside. You can’t get better on the outside if you don’t feel better on the inside. I believe in you love💕

Thank you Fi for sharing this with us m,you’re a sweet girl,the not seeing “the hole” helped me to understand a little more. Sometimes I get lost but you always say things in a way that they are understandable please keep doing that. Sending you love and hugs 🤗 xx

Just know fi, it's normal to have relapses in recovery and your not alone also spot on explaining.❤

You make perfect sense. It’s hard to match your inside with your outside. Proud of you for doing the hard work 🤗

Fi, you're so so strong! I always wondered what happened and I'm glad you posted this video. I know it's hard to realize you fell down again, but now you know what lead to it. Now you know what you should and shouldn't do once you get there again. I promise you: It will work and one day you'll be fully happy again ! You're really aware of everything and it's going to help you get thru this and work on yourself. Remember that progress and recovery is not always linear ! there are ups and downs, but the key is to not give up and stand back up after every single time you fall !

This all makes so so much sense Fi! You’re getting out of it and that’s very very important! Like I said to you in dm’s on instagram learning from what didn’t work last time and reevaluating things and your approach is incredibly important. Sometimes, we need to take a whole other approach and that’s OKAY! Sometimes a new approach can be the making of us. We constantly learn in life and the way you did recovery last time doesn’t mean it was “wrong” or a “waste” of time. It’s taught you a very valuable lesson. You can do the difficult things of fighting your ed. But also, taking an approach to address both physical and psychological recovery is key to a long term recovery. The psychological side is probably the hardest, most tiring and painful part. Sure the eating and reducing behaviours ect is painful… but they’re the surface level things that mask what’s really going on inside us. I believe in you. As you say “do the next right thing” and that’s keeping on keeping on Fi! You are brave and courageous for just putting one foot infront on the other everyday and doing what you can. Much love to you 🤍x

This is me saying IT'S SHIT!!! It's great that you recognise these things. I think that's often the hardest part. You are awesome and brave xxx

I’m so sorry that you have had to go through this xx I had no idea as I haven’t been online or social media much since my email got hacked and I lost all my accounts. It makes me sad to know how hard things have been for you xx You must take comfort in knowing that you are an inspiration to many people, an amazing woman who is courageous and strong. Remember you can do hard things zxx

Sending so much love ❤

Sending you lots of love ❤ xx

Unconditional love n support to you 💜💜

Holding you in peace and love. ❤

Sending so much love to you xx

Lovely, I am so proud of you. You are so articulate and put succinctly so well things that I can connect with. You leaned forward . Fact: You have so much more self awareness right now then before . The key word is journey. Please know your voice is very powerful. Thank you so much for inviting you into my life . I believe in you. You totally make sense to me . I am daily trying to recovery and the best piece of advice I have gotten so far is be self compassionate . One day can u make an Instagram post or do a video about things : u like to do for fun, fav. books and music. Just an idea . You are such an incredible person. My friend I live in nyc and if there is anything you want let me know. I am so proud of you. Please daily meet yourself where you are. You leaned forward and now you have so much insight. All in steps . I believe in you . Sending you so much loving kindness. I wish I could hug you and spend the day with you. You have got this. Slow and steady . Hugs ❤

Your wording makes totally sense I understand how you feel.❤

Sending love to you you lost your dog we love our dogs 🐕 xx

For people with eating disorder are these videos crazy triggers. I saw it randomly now and u really motivated me before, i got better then, and now? I had to struggle, I struggled, and you relapse. For me its horrible. Horrible….anyway, Good luck, hope u get better soon🙂

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Thinking of you Fi. ❤❤

Proud of you always xxx

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Just wondering if you stopped seeing ED services during your relapse?

Dear one, I sent this verse to you a while ago. Yehovah is still quieting you with His love and singing over you. Praying for your full recovery, physically, mentally and spiritually. Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is among you;​ He is mighty to save.​ He will rejoice over you with gladness;​ He will quiet you with His love;​ He will rejoice over you with singing.”

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❤.

You worded this so well.

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