Gaslighting Abuse - Spotting, Handling, Coping, and "False Memories" [CC]

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Gaslighting Abuse - Spotting, Handling, Coping, and "False Memories" [CC]

Рет қаралды 2,664

Күн бұрын

Hey friends! This is obviously in no way a substitution for therapy, but when I was in this situation I couldn't really find anything that explained my experience or what to do about it as an autistic person. So here's that guide for someone else :)
Further resources
Handling Relationships As An Autistic Person - • Handling Relationships
How to identify manipulation - • How to identify manipu...
Setting boundaries - • Boundary-Setting | An ...
Being a good partner to an autistic person - • How To Be A Good Disab...
Women and abuse - pubmed.ncbi.nl...
Autism & trauma - • Autism & Trauma [CC]
Memory loss - • Memory & Memory Loss [CC]
Autism & relationships - • Autism & Relationships...
My abuse story - • My “Start Over” Story ...
John Oliver on False Memory - • Police Interrogations:...
Sources
This autism account! - www.instagram....
False Memory Syndrome - news.isst-d.or...
False memory implantation experiments - doi.org/10.100...
Victims of abuse are more likely to have memory issues - doi.org/10.117...
Gaslighting/threats and memory of abuse - doi.org/10.100...
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Autism Resources:
Ultimate resource guide - www.disabledau...
How to support an autistic person - www.disabledau...
Help! I think I’m autistic - www.disabledau...
Unmasking/How to Start Over - www.disabledau...
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Hey! I just had an album come out! You can check it out here - disabledautisticlesbian.com/rewrite-history
Also a new EP you can check out here - • Bold full
If you want to support me financially, you can…
Buy me a smoothie! - www.paypal.com...
Check out my merch! - www.disabledau...
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My Music:
Alive (Single) - li.sten.to/alive
Start Over (Album) - li.sten.to/sta...
The Confused Linguist (Album) - li.sten.to/the...
Find me on Bandcamp - sydneyzarlengo...
Check out my #ActuallyAutistic playlist made of entirely autistic artists!
open.spotify.c...
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Hello my dears!
My name is Sydney and I’m an actress/singer-songwriter who writes music about my experiences being autistic, disabled, gay, and in general, a human. My goal is to fill musical gaps and write about things people often forget to make music about. I’m also a vintage enthusiast and disability advocate (among other things). I’ve now released 3 albums and, most importantly, my favorite color is buttercup yellow.
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Find me on...
Facebook - / sydney-zarlengo-110498...
Instagram - / disabled.autistic.lesbian
Website - www.disabledau...
Email - disabled.autistic.lesbian@gmail.com
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Пікірлер: 42

@siennaprice1351 2 жыл бұрын

I’ve been gaslighted before. I’m on the autism spectrum as well. I’m also totally blind, and have CPTSD. Autistic and even blind people are very prone to be in abusive relationships. My abusive relationship was from a family member, but I won’t go too much into detail about the abuse, because it makes me uncomfortable and very angry. I’ve even been bullied and taken advantage of because I’m totally blind. I now live with my mom, who loves me, and understands me. And I’m happily married to a wonderful man, who is also totally blind, he also has autism, and he’s been through abuse too.

@Jaseyrae213 9 ай бұрын

The way you described your memory working like a constant flashback, amongst many other aspects of this video, really hit home

@ozmainthedark 2 жыл бұрын

I'ma pre-emptively thank you for this. I'm prolly gonna watch the rest later. I got about 4 minutes in and was like yeah no. I need my gf to hold my hand through this video. Trauma is mean and I don't think I have the spoons to watch this alone. I just also want to help as much as I can because I appreciate your content.

@disabled.autistic.lesbian 2 жыл бұрын

it was hard for me to write, make, and edit, so I fully get it! Sending all of the love

@staciejean 10 ай бұрын

Wow. I absolutely love how your not hating on your perpetrator...every one has a story of why they do what they do, and although it's not "right" wjat they are doing, its helpful to understand that maybe they were once a victim too

@teresah.2329 2 жыл бұрын

Sydney, I so appreciate the nuances and clarity that you provide. I’m AFAB and autistic (adult diagnosis), so in keeping with the statistics, I have been victimized more than once. I am now working very hard on how to understand what happened with the help of a therapist. Your words add tremendously to my ability to see more facets of the situation. Also, I would love to see a separate video on the science of how autistic and other ND people’s memories are different than average. I keep hearing vague statements to this effect, but would like to know what this means. Thank you for your content and please take good care of yourself.

@disabled.autistic.lesbian 2 жыл бұрын

Yes of course! I do have an old video called "memory & memory loss" which sorta kinda answers that. It's a little more about how traumatized brains do memory, but the memory of a neurodevelopmentally "disordered" brain and a traumatized brain are really hard to distinguish from each other. Hopefully that's vaguely helpful?

@teresah.2329 2 жыл бұрын

@@disabled.autistic.lesbian found your prior video, thank you!

@Sarajevomusic1 2 жыл бұрын

Excellent video. I’m only 12 years or so older, but it’s truly incredible to see a shift to a culture where people are able to discuss these topics openly. Learning what you have by 20 is great. Knowing my memory is excellent, not terrible (amongst a lot of other things about me killed in childhood) - as I was gaslit, is a gift. Semi off topic. Can you believe Dylan wrote “My Back Pages” at age 24? :)

@Sam-ff1mh 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much for this video. I got out of an abusive situation a week ago and I've been struggling a lot. This video made me feel less alone and more hopeful for the future.

@disabled.autistic.lesbian 2 жыл бұрын

Hey congrats! That's a really big deal and there is hope for you, I promise

@Chucanelli 9 ай бұрын

Thank you for making this video. There were several points that resonated and helped crystalize years of experience that I hadn’t been able to make sense of before (really resisted using “heretofore” there😅). I get the sense this video may not have been easy for you, so I hope making it helped you out as well. Much love from Colorado. ❤

@FulanitoDTal-Lugar Жыл бұрын

I love Sydney's videos and do not disagree with her experience. However, as another survivor of abuse with a different experience, I want to clearly and respectfully assert that many abusers are 100% aware that they are gaslighting and being abusive. They are predatory, use a tested strategy and calculated behaviors. They learn your trauma history, then use that information to control you through the levers of punishment and reward. There are self-aware abusers that absolutely know they are abusing you because that brings them pleasure.

@baileymoran8585 3 ай бұрын

I agree that good and bad are subjective terms but there are abusers who do choose to cause harm. I had to make the choice not to empathize with my worst abuser because they deliberately caused a lot of harm to me, and I developed a sort of Stockholm syndrome. It was much healthier for me to not forgive or try to understand where he was coming from because nothing could justify what he did. I have had accidental harm done by people. I was a 90s foster child with medical issues and my adoptive parents did their absolute best, but the info on how to help kids like me was just not there yet. That is forgivable. I don’t even fault the doctors and specialists. I do have dissociative amnesia from my childhood and I have some fragment memories. I don’t discuss them much because I get gaslit enough about things I remember clearly and have remembered since it happened. I’m not neurodivergent. But I do have CPTSD. People think I have made up the lighter stuff that I am healed enough to admit, like being a foster kid and some of my medical stuff, because ‘you function too well so you must be misremembering that.’ I did years of therapy and I also mask when I am having difficulty because I can’t function, and not functioning isn’t an option for me. People really don’t want to admit that some people go through some really serious shit that they imagine would break them, and somehow these people manage to heal enough to live their life. It’s extremely difficult but not impossible. It often takes a lifetime of maintenance others can’t see, but the old wounds are there. I definitely had anger after my worst situation. I preferred that to the hurt because anger is easy to channel. Listening to music, writing, etc. that was the easy stage to channel appropriately. Not crying at work during the hurt and grief stage was way more difficult. I had to make up so much so I didn’t have to talk to coworkers about this and feel even worse. I’m not a big vulnerability fan. It is physically and emotionally uncomfortable for me, and therefore I only keep it between very few close people.

@kikitauer 2 жыл бұрын

I was in an abusive romantic relationships for 10 years. While I agree abusive behaviour usually stems from some childhood trauma, I strongly disagree with the notion that when you call out the abuser, they will "be better". They won't in my experience. In fact, in my experince, they go much worse, much worse, counter blaming, silence treatment or verbal abuse came after pointing anything. I also disagree with saying there is no bad person. I used to think that too but then I found out about rates of people r*p*d, peterphiles, I found out about dark web. There are people who are happy when they make someone else suffer, people who don't care at all what happens to them or to other people. People who overview reported stuff on facebook usually have PTSD from it. Yes it is pathology but those people are not nice or good and there is a lot of them. It is scary and we actually really do need to protect ourselves from them. To answer the question "why me?", I believe some people just go around and try everybody. Just like you said it is a pattern of behaviour. Most other people just lay their boundary and don't let them but some people just let them in for some reason. It can be because of past abuse or because you see world differently because you are autistic. I realized I was being abused after two or three years. Imagine that. I also have another view on narcissism but this is a long enough comment so I will write about it some other time.

@kikitauer 2 жыл бұрын

@@ThePurpleBookWyrm Yes. I think the main difference is motivation, self reflection and empathy. It is probably in the human nature to accept ourselves and consider ourselves "good" even if it requires a lot mental gymnastics. But even so, there are people who just don't care. Also I think you meant psychopaths not people with psychosis? Because people with psychosis can get better with medicine and/or time and the tend to be victims rather than perpetrators?

@kikitauer 2 жыл бұрын

@@ThePurpleBookWyrm Ok it is an interesting take but I think I partially agree. Diagnoses can be complex and especially when someone has the serious mental illness of psychosis there is usually less time to dedicate to less "severe" stuff anyway. I very much agree with the substance abuse disorder though - my brother is addicted for over twenty years.

@lisbethbird8268 10 ай бұрын

Projection and projective identification are, for example, unconscious abusive behaviors; but gaslighting is conscious and deliberate by definition. Like in the movie. The meaning has been distorted by popular incorrect usage. I just found you and this channel and subscribed immediately. You're so o o smart. I'm undiagnosed.

@benjamingoldberg1276 Жыл бұрын

So much kindness here

@georgeandraos2509 Жыл бұрын

oh my god. I think my brain finds you the person who makes the most sense ever. I wish this channel existed back in 2019 because I was holding on for dear life and no one understood me AAAA I love you

@xxBreakxxAwayxx3 8 ай бұрын

Thank you Sydney!!! Notes from video: Document times of ickyness to help see the pattern as separate from yourself Reclaim the narrative, know they are avoiding responsibility and you deserve to be heard. Reach out in every direction, talk to neutral parties Journal everything, documenting your experiences is precious and worthy Take time to restore self confidence and esteem. Do things that matter to you. Do not judge yourself; you are doing your best. You are worthy, take up space!! You can't give enthusiastic consent if you are afraid of how they react to a "no" (you must be free to say no for yes to matter) Violence is not only physical. Abuse is often unintentional or unrealized. People are not good OR bad, they are both and neither! Everyone is changing and growing.

@dasfirecat 7 ай бұрын

I believe abusers are afraid of taking responsibility, but unaware? That just feels like a smart gaslighter. Thats the last "im sorry" imo, I refuse to believe that someone is unaware they are lying. They just know it's easier for them when you call them out, drop them, and move on.

@Dasinpa Ай бұрын

You are so good at what you do? Thank you.

@jessicat4047 2 жыл бұрын

This is such a well done video! The level of nuance is just mmmmm soon fucking good I love exploring grey areas of human behavior, also it made me cry because ow I relate

@Minakie Жыл бұрын

This is a lot trickier for me because I have not only ADHD and autism, but also C-PTSD, aphantasia and SDAM with means I have very little actual memories and actually rely on people to tell me what happened, not only for traumatic events but also for just regular life events in general. At first, my therapist and I thought it was just dissociative amnesia from the C-PTSD but it didn't explain the fact that I had no childhood memories but also hardly any memories of my teen years or adult years. It wasn't until recently that I even found out I had SDAM. When my abuser questions my reality, it's very easy for me to see it now because I know she has narcissistic tendencies (though never officially diagnosed because she would always refuse to go to family therapy) and uses gaslighting as her primary form of abuse. I've also became quite well equipped to recognize medical gaslighting. But if a friend/neighbor/coworker/acquaintance is telling me about some random even that happened, it's almost impossible for me to know whether or not they're lying about what actually happened because I just don't remember. It's kind of hard to "trust your own memories" when you just don't have memories. The fact I have both C-PTSD and SDAM make me especially vulnerable to this type of abuse and that realization has increased my social anxiety because it sucks to have to rely on other people to be your brain outside your body when you don't know who you can trust because you can't read people's intentions due to your autism.

@clairelauzon2532 Ай бұрын

Okay I have everything you listed except SDAM and I'm scared to look it up now

@clairelauzon2532 Ай бұрын

Update: yeah, I've got it.

@Minakie Ай бұрын

@@clairelauzon2532 OMG what are the odds? 😯 I always knew I had a "memory problem" since I was a kid, but I had never even heard of SDAM until I came across the I Am Mindblind channel on KZfaq. Aphantasia and SDAM are both still being studied so not much is known about either.

@clairelauzon2532 Ай бұрын

@@Minakie It feels good to know you're not alone 😅

@brittneyhibdon3896 Жыл бұрын

Wow. Just thank you so much for this. I know it’s old, but this helped a thousand times over and addressed so many things. I feel seen and heard and I hear and see you. Thank you.

@jchalice3229 2 жыл бұрын

I LOVE your content! Thank you for being amazing and sharing this information ❤️

@andiralosh2173 Жыл бұрын

'I'm so cool that people want to control me.' I'm going ro meditate on this. So often people who end up in abusive or harmful dynamics are told we attract it and that's... victim blaming. Being an 'easy victim' is actually a vulnerability maintained largely by a culture of enablement, and it's a lot easier to blame victims than to confront this toxic culture

@johannalarsson1901 Жыл бұрын

TW: gaslighting, SA There are cases of false memory outside that study. In Sweden there is a therapist ( anyone is allowed to call themselves that in Sweden ) who is a sex addict and who has systematically targeted young female clients he found attractive and suggested that they had been sexually abused by their relatives. He had a pattern of getting in relationships with these women too. One woman was convinced by this man that her mother had committed incest and was isolated from her family ending up living with this therapist. It has later been proven that there was no grounds to the incest claim, that it couldn't have happened. I'm confident that he's not the only creep out there getting off on imagining together sexual assault and taking advantage of vulnerable clients. It's weird how many of these therapists that make people remember things out of nowhere where they used to think they had a happy childhood before therapy... That end up as sexual partners with the client after "uncovering" that their happy memories before therapy were "false" and the parents are really monsters after the therapists has suggested sexual abuse taking place over and over again and asking people to try an remember that. Terapisten on TV4 was a series about the therapist that was a sex addict. A reporter went under cover and he was gaslighting her suggesting that she had been sexually abused and that she was putting out vibes of wanting to be taken advantage of etc.

@Catlily5 Ай бұрын

False memories can be created but memories can also be repressed. Both are true.

@jesserichards8941 2 жыл бұрын

Thanks for this video I’ve ofc experienced a lot of this although I don’t think in a romantic relationship and nothing really serious that I remember well especially as I have really awful memory for a whole bunch of reasons including drugs that effect memory as a child, my neurotype and trauma ect but weather i relate strongly to what your saying or not it’s very interesting, a really well put together video and it feels really good to be a bit more prepared in future so thank you again for this great video it’s been a good way to spend part of my 22nd birthday sorry if I’m being a bit gushy I’ve had a little drink thank you again great video very appreciated.

@ryn2844 2 жыл бұрын

I'm going to a gender clinic in order to access transition related healthcare. In Europe that's heavily gatekept, and you have to go through a half year long diagnostic process. I've been gaslit about this system not being all that bad A LOT, so what I did was I installed a voice recorder on my phone and recorded all of my appointments. Best thing I ever did. Being able to re-listen to the stuff my assessor says is so incredibly helpful. Impossible to understate. My assessor is blaming my gender dysphoria on my aut!sm, my as3xuality and my social anxiety, and not believing I am actually trans. Now I can re-listen and refute everything in writing, rather than having to process everything in the moment, and I don't have to doubt what exactly she said. And I can show clips to people who don't believe gatekeeping happens, and they can't make me doubt whether it actually happened anymore.

@andiralosh2173 Жыл бұрын

It's so absurd that given common 'comorbidity,' doctors assume people can't have more than one condition or tendency... as it is plainly and statistically proven wrong by thier peers. Gaslighting is terrible, solidarity

@ryn2844 Жыл бұрын

@@andiralosh2173 Thx

@Catlily5 Ай бұрын

I think that some memories are false. But that doesn't mean that all repressed memories are false. I have some memories of abuse that are false and some that are not. My mom believes me that I was abused. So does my sister. I don't know exactly what happened but I tend to believe the memories that I saw over and over and not the exotic one time memory of my abuser standing in the middle of a large campfire. That is obviously impossible.

@yeeeeeeeeee495 2 жыл бұрын

Wonderful job with this-such an important video!!

@virtualcombat6425 4 ай бұрын

Dam these KZfaq recommendations getting way to personal. All jokes aside my first and only relationship was with a girl who gaslight me and emotionally manipulated me to the point where her cousin (who I am friends with) stood up for me after she turned 2/3 of my friends against me wanting me to apologise for separating myself from her. Honestly without her (my friend) I probably wouldn't be here right now. Holy sh*t I just trauma dumped in a KZfaq comment section. Man my autistic ass is so tramatised at the thought of intimacy (yes I'm autistic which makes this worse).