Going Back to Being "Friends" Won't Make the Toxic Relationship Better

No video

Going Back to Being "Friends" Won't Make the Toxic Relationship Better

Рет қаралды 30,587

Жыл бұрын

🟢 LIVE Webinar Jul 9. CPTSD & Defining the Relationship You Want: bit.ly/3ifhJ8U
🔴 Order My New Book and Attend an Exclusive LIVE Workshop Aug 17: bit.ly/4dRI8Sj
Come See Me In Person! Workshops in US, UK: bit.ly/49rzM0Z
Do You Have CPTSD? Take the QUIZ: bit.ly/3GhE65z
FREE COURSE: *The Daily Practice*: bit.ly/3X1BrE0
Website: bit.ly/3CxgkRY
***
It's the dream of people whose hearts are breaking that they can save a connection to someone rejecting them, or hurting them, by being "just friends." A friend doesn't make you feel worthless and alone. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman caught in a made trauma bond, who wants to get free.
***
🟢 Letters: Want to submit a question for me to answer in a video?
Keep it short, not too explicit, relevant for this audience.
bit.ly/3VVxqjm
🟢 Become a Member!
Access ALL my courses, webinars, group coaching & online community
bit.ly/3Zfx9dN
🟢 Take My Online course: Healing Childhood PTSD
bit.ly/3k6gQQH
🟢 How I Recently Lost 27 Pounds: ble.life/V9fe9O
🟢 Change Trauma-Driven Dating Patterns
Online course: Dating & Relationships for People with CPTSD
bit.ly/3IBbrv7
🟢 Learn to Heal Dysregulation
Online course: Dysregulation Bootcamp
bit.ly/3ZpjGAh
🟢 Heal Isolation and Build Better Relationships
Online course: Connection Bootcamp
bit.ly/3iuUEPz
🟢 Coaching Programs & LIVE Calls with Anna
🔹 NEW Coaching Program for DATING: Apply Now: bit.ly/3Qjdozs
🔹 8-Week Coaching Intensive for Healing CPTSD Symptoms: bit.ly/3wjVVjg
🔹 Join LIVE Webinars with My Team and Me: bit.ly/3ifhJ8U
🟢 PARTNERS/RECOMMENDED PRODUCTS
(I receive commissions on referrals & recommend services I know and trust)
🔹 Is Carb Sensitivity Sabotaging Your Energy and Weight? Take the Quiz:
ble.life/V9fe9O
🔹 NEED ONLINE THERAPY? BetterHelp can connect you with a licensed, online therapist:
betterhelp.com/CCF
🔹 Try MUSE Headband to Calm Your Mind: choosemuse.com/ccf

Пікірлер: 222

@bev9708 Жыл бұрын

Wowww Lauren, what a great letter that is so incredibly helpful to many many of us!!! Thank you so much for writing, for being brave enough to reach out with such courage, and provide such an incredible learning opportunity to the rest of us!!! You really seem like such an insightful and aware woman and I sincerely hope Anna's tough love take is as eye-opening for you as it is for us!! Me too I am absolutely struggling with closing the door on a guy who seemed perfect but the REAL truth is he is not with me and it's taken me years to even start to accept that we cannot be friends. Anna's words are resounding deeply. Many many thanks Lauren 🙏🏻♥🙏🏻

@ninah5938 Жыл бұрын

Last year something clicked in me. I stopped all contact with exes. They were all energy vampires. I was always an overgiver and had to stop. It took 40 years for me to come to conclusion to leave the past where it belongs. I am 41, attractive, solvent, healed my low self-esteem and abandonment issues. I have resolved to only be a wife. I will take my time, have removed sex off the table and if we are not getting courting, please keep it moving.

@steveconn Жыл бұрын

Good plan.

@willcoleman2014 Жыл бұрын

Good one. Sounds like a plan. 👏

@genxx2724 Жыл бұрын

We think we’re highly evolved by keeping exes as friends. But it’s harmful.

@Fae313 Жыл бұрын

"He’s not your friend and he’s not your boyfriend… So what is he?" Nailed it. (My answer, he’s a parasite)

@mrazik131 Жыл бұрын

yeah he is using u

@ichsehnursoaus Жыл бұрын

Yes, he drains energy and the fairy even calls him a Vampire ^.^' even if it's not his Intention. relationships can really be like a drug. In german language the words addiction and dependancy are one and the same Word, "Abhängigkeit", i think it makes sense.

@artsyalkalearnandgrowbeaut3731 Жыл бұрын

Yes

@Juniperus_Godegara Жыл бұрын

👏👏👏 exactly

@katarinatibai8396 Жыл бұрын

YESS ! 100% a parasit - a emotional vampire.

@bluntweirdo Жыл бұрын

“they don’t make you feel like you’re dying.” omg

@stacyjaye6350 Жыл бұрын

Yeah she hits it, doesn't she? My thing is, someone came from my very distant past, seduced me, and then wouldn't kiss me. Don't ask me how we got compromised before a kiss..🤔🤷‍♀️ so when I heard that, about the no kissing, I was like 😭😭😭WHY?!! Anyway, good luck and Godspeed in your healing.

@flowerpower4944 Жыл бұрын

Yea

@snapdragon909 Жыл бұрын

@@stacyjaye6350 yeah, I had that... When I had the temerity to show some confusion it was all, "don't get bent; I just wanted to cheer you up" 🤣

@ddteevee Жыл бұрын

lol isn’t this account a revelation 🥰

@katarinatibai8396 Жыл бұрын

💯🎯 - 100% on the point.

@billie6814 Жыл бұрын

"...anxious preoccupied meets dismissive avoidant relationship..." Anna: ok so she's framing that as attachment style. Me: oh no she's framing it as a relationship!

@Fae313 Жыл бұрын

😂😂

@deanasmusic1 Жыл бұрын

3 months. Not 5 years, not 5 months, 3. This is how long I'll give someone to show up for me. I'm grateful to see how much I have healed and learned. It's like a bit of residual cleaning up of a scar to acknowledge the completion of my healing. This video made me feel like I just graduated.

@2degucitas Жыл бұрын

That guy had all the power in their "relationship", and he knew it. He got narc supply.

@korab.23 Жыл бұрын

My experience with it: "I'm gonna crush your soul and turn your heart to dust and destroy your world, can we still be friends?" ALL IN THE SAME BREATH!🤣 No. We cannot. Just no.

@rebeccajones8628 Жыл бұрын

The cat and mouse game. Been there, done that. No more. On to greener pastures. We need to truly LOVE ourselves.

@theshunnedBandersnatch Жыл бұрын

I remember breaking off a dating relationship with a man who lied and kept a lot of things hidden about himself, and he had the nerve to ask me if we could remain friends and he could "mentor" and "guide" me. I got so angry I _laughed._ He just wanted a way to keep me on the back burner until he felt like getting his life together. He expected me to say yes and was shocked when I said no 🤷🏿‍♀️

@incognitonegress3453 Жыл бұрын

Not 2 get his life 2gether...we think wayyyyy 2 far n2 these things. These individuals r the demons the Bible talks about. Dude was jus "back-burnering" u til HE decides 2 entertain u. He never liked u, u were available 2 him. Period! I can say it cuz I lived it. Hell, I'm LIVING it. Shit becomes easier when we jus tell ourselves the truth. 🙏🏽

@theshunnedBandersnatch Жыл бұрын

@@incognitonegress3453 You know what, you're probably right. Anyone truly interested in me wouldn't have lied in the first place. Thank you! 💙

@starlightwhispers6781 Жыл бұрын

That's the point- you were on the back burner literally at the back so that's where you will stay and to think otherwise is futile. He knows what he's doing by just keeping a sliver of you around for his own satisfaction

@incognitonegress3453 Жыл бұрын

@@theshunnedBandersnatch sis...I'm speaking on it cuz it WAS/IS me n I appreciate u 4 not taking it the wrong way. Me, I inadvertently married a 👴 sociopath a few months ago n we r separated currently (im n my 30's). I had a nervous breakdown n he jus wanted 2 hug me n "touch" me. Well, no! I don't like touch...but imma def need u 2 fix what u broke n allowed 2 happen 2 me (by ur demon children). Clearly, he didn't so I left n he is supporting me until I rebound- his decision. I think he thinks I'm returning...I'm absolutely am not! ALL my exes were disordered cuz I am a scapegoat, thus...a lotta guilt, trauma, confusion n myself...thus, they could manipulate my emotions, etc. N cuz of the scapegoating n being autistic/ neurodivergent, I'm very friendly but I don't carry "typical" relationships cuz I withdraw due 2 over-stimulation. I'm a hermit...so...I end up hoovered by the toxic exes n I naively end up believing that they've "changed," lol! Nah...pure n utter foolishness. Disordered people don't change n idc what any1 says. Disordered people only bcum better versions of the person that is unwanted But, THERE IS NEVER ANY CHANGE...n never 4get this. I say this...when u start 2 question UR sanity, LEAVE n throw a smoke bomb n the other direction 2 cover ur tracks. Take it from me...I'm an illusive lil ting...hiding n plain sight but ull never touch me again! 🙏🏽

@msr1116 Жыл бұрын

My ex made an absolute wreck of our marriage and it affects my life to this day. He had the unmitigated gall to suggest we could actually remain friends. My answer? HELL NO !!!

@elsarenthal1242 Жыл бұрын

TY for saying that “cat and mouse” games are erotic and highly addictive. I often described it that I felt I was on drugs and chasing a high (I’ve never been addicted to substances). Lauren, you’re really brave to share your story.

@rturney6376 Жыл бұрын

Tv dramas live on that drug! Making it seem normal and great 👍

@CC-xn5xi Жыл бұрын

@@rturney6376 Yes! True!

@fitnessdestiny Жыл бұрын

“ I knew I “earned “ his love the shittiest shittiest way possible…” That is such a well said statement of somebody Who has felt like the power of leverage is more important than love. I really appreciate the way this person wrote that to you

@mdc6993 Жыл бұрын

He sounds like a dysfunctional abuser; he wants the benefits of her but not the responsibility. This is where a course on establishing boundaries would be good!

@ichsehnursoaus Жыл бұрын

Sounds like "surviving narcissism " by Dr Les Carter, one can find him on KZfaq, too. There are courses offered named "this is me- Establishing boundaries..."

@tracimatkoski9656 Жыл бұрын

Six years, six whole years of my life I will never get back. I went from one 3 year relationship and immediately into another 3 year relationship almost identical. Yet there is still this fantasy that maybe we can try again to just be friends. Maybe I can be strong enough this time because I still can’t imagine or want to believe he can’t be in my life. It’s an addiction and you hit the nail on the head about just him giving me one little speck of hope. I take that little bit of possible hope of receiving a “title” and that starts the whole crazy cycle of cat and mouse over again! This last time it almost killed me. I’m still not out of the woods but I KNOW I will not make it out if I go back just being friends one more time. This is so embarrassing to write.

@sarahalessa78 Жыл бұрын

It's not embarrassing! It's really brave and honest. I appreciate, that you opend up so much and said, it almost killed you because as crazy as it sounds, that's what toxic relationships can do to us. They are called toxic for a reason, they slowly drain everything out of you, self-worth, identity, hope, will power. I barely came out intact after almost nine years. It's so dreadful. And here you are, fighting. That's not embarrassing, that's pure strength.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing! Sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy

@tracimatkoski9656 Жыл бұрын

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I really appreciate your response. I FORGOT to be proud of myself and my progress. Less than two weeks ago the guy from the 1st 3 year relationship I mentioned above actually sent me a message through my business account. He asked if we could talk!!! It has been over 3 years since I ended that relationship and went no contact!??!! What the heck??? I DID NOT respond! I’m so proud of that accomplishment. Did I think about calling him? Heck yah! What does he want to say to me? I know there is NOTHING he can say that would be good for me to hear and help me to move forward with my progress to be healthy and hopefully have some peace and joy in my future. What a huge step that is for me!

@Chris-ey7zy Жыл бұрын

Thank god I realize my ex was a covert narcissist.

@theshunnedBandersnatch 2 ай бұрын

@@tracimatkoski9656 Good for you! I hope you are still doing well and staying strong 💙

@SSCCGL-ph9eb Жыл бұрын

There is a book recommended for anxiously attached people named 'attached'. Read it before getting back into dating. Date only securely attached people and completely ignore avoidants.

@sarahalessa78 Жыл бұрын

I'm going to look into it, thanks for the advice!

@Nowindresistance Жыл бұрын

This book changed my life

@kelliesmith4068 Жыл бұрын

Anna...the firmness to tell it like it is is woven with compassion & kindness. It IS kind to speak as you did in this video. "Loren" I hear your plea to heal, to get healthier & due to my many years of similar experiences, I can tell you that Anna is definitely speaking to your heart's desperate desire to be healthy. After intense work on myself, I did finally meet a wonderful man. We dated 2 yrs (no sex) & have been married 5 1/2 yrs now. It is wonderful being married where we both treat each other with kindness, love & respect. I was in numerous painful relationships before him. We met when I was 54 & I can attest to the importance of getting healthy to attract a healthy partner. I'm rooting for you, Loren! 🙏

@cherp5837 Жыл бұрын

❤

@ariban Жыл бұрын

I loved reading this. I hope my mom can heal and find someone too.

@kelliesmith4068 Жыл бұрын

@@ariban I hope & pray she will! 🙏❣️

@kimberlydeleanu6806 Жыл бұрын

I’m 54 and single. Really want a partnership and also working on my issues.

@lawofattraction7651 Жыл бұрын

went through similar hell! I am committed to my healing now, the pain was too big.

@biondna7984 Жыл бұрын

Thank you for this topic. My situation's pretty different from the woman who wrote. I have no further desire to reconnect with my first husband, but hoped for years we could be "friends," even after his treatment of me. I wanted this to help our sons heal from our deteriorated marriage and divorce. Now I think they'll heal better if I stay respectful in how I speak of him, focus on what I still truly admire, and IF asked, speak minimally and plainly, that I don't like being blamed for everything that ever went wrong between us. I openly own up to my 50%, but that's IT. They're now having his personality foibles aimed at them, so they know it wasn't all about me after all. I dislike slinging the "narcissist" label around, but 16 years after our divorce, his speech indicates that his thinking about the past has not evolved at all. I like that he lives so far away. I sincerely wish him well for his and his children's sakes, and want as little to do with him as possible.

@tumbleweed6492 Жыл бұрын

Sounds empowered ✨👌🏻

@willcoleman2014 Жыл бұрын

I enjoy reading the comments that come with Anna’s excellent videos. I’ve even bought the course, as i need it badly. I appreciate what you have said here. I was very careful to NEVER bad-mouth my first wife to our children (or anyone). I am now rewarded with a cordial relationship with her (not friends) as well as the in-laws - and family get togethers from time to time for birthdays or Christmas. I believe it has helped our children to deal with our divorce.

@MrAhuraMazda Жыл бұрын

Id be careful joking "wait 10 years to see if he changed" cause this community will. Believe me, we will. I know our writer's ears perked up a little when you said that.

@yellowfruitchocker9879 Жыл бұрын

I thought the same. People go beyond madness when it comes to limerent and/or traumabond connections. Do N O T wait for A N Y B O D Y! If you want a healthier life.

@tumbleweed6492 Жыл бұрын

I love (and respect) the way you “tell it like it is” Anna! ❤ “All the life force drained…” Sobering reminder 😢

@Lee-eo2by Жыл бұрын

Wow, wish I could send this to myself three years ago! Thank god I'm done with that "relationship"

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy

@_so_ya_ Жыл бұрын

Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, and trust they won't use it. This letter, moved something in me. Like the Crappy Childhood Fairy here says, it's not your fault. I commend you for taking responsibility for your own actions, asking for help to understanding this dynamic. As kids, we have no real autonomy in our lives, and we spend all our time and emotional capacity to survive in our respective environments. I want to remind you that you've made it! You made it into a place in your life where you can break free of the conditionings, and "reparert" yourself. I am doing this, and have hardly cried, out of shame. A few weeks back I suddenly saw myself from another perspective, and broke down, crying on the phone to my best friend. And I've learned that I can change and that I can do hard things. You are not responsible for another human being who hurts themselves, even though you really want to be the catalyst for their healing. But, you are responsible for yourself. You have a chance here to create a future where you feel safe saying no to things that deplete your energy. And maybe you cutting him out, allows you to spend time with all the difficult emotions and memories that are heavy in your heart, and have compassion for yourself. I know what it's like, and I am currently on the midst of finding my own voice and advocate for my right to set boundaries and speak up. I wish you a safe and sacred healing ❤️

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing! -Calista@TeamFairy

@mariaramos8267 Жыл бұрын

The wish of being friends with exs can be a wish of having some connection that stills in time because we don't have that with our family. It's not possible, of course, is a trauma thought, but is the deeply need of connection.

@annahernandez332 Жыл бұрын

So well said I experienced that.

@mariaramos8267 Жыл бұрын

So true what you say about alcohol. I'm not a alcoholic, but I now understand that social drinking was not good for me. I'm not drinking for 3 years now.

@designchik Жыл бұрын

This is wonderful advice, Anna. I have spent the two years since the end of my 20-year relationship trying in vain to be “friends” with my ex. Nearly all the effort has come from me, just like it was inside our relationship for the last 10 years we were together. But for the first 10 years, he did most of the relationship work while I was undergoing therapy. We were never on the same page, not once. When I wanted to try, he didn’t?; when he did, I didn’t. We lived a push-pull dance for virtually the entire time we were together. It’s such a chaotic way to live, and you’d think the turmoil would be a deterrent. But it isn’t, not always. There are still days on which l miss him so much, I can barely stand it. How can I possibly miss someone who thought so little of me that he cheated for the final seven years? But if you spoke to him, he’d say that I never cared about HIM. Trauma bonds are so addictive, and I get what the letter writer is going through and how difficult it is to let go, even when a relationship is toxic. 😔

@cathyhinder8573 Жыл бұрын

Trauma bonding causes physiological changes in the brain, causes PTSD ... creates an imbalance & an actual chemical addiction to the cycle. The only way to break that is to stop tasting the poison, just like in any other addiction. Going total abstinence, or "no contact" is the only way to detox and to help the brain recover. And it's true.

@MM-lb9np Жыл бұрын

Lauren..I can totally relate to your story minus the alcohol. I was in a cat and mouse type situation -ship for nearly a decade..until he called last year to tell me he had met someone and was committed to her. 🙄 All the time..never giving me a title. Imagine my surprise😳He always told me he was better off alone and had issues with relationships. That I was the only one he was sleeping with. I was completely blind sided and heart broken💔 Go No Contact and Never Look Back. I wish I would have. Here's 2 Healed Hearts and Brand New Starts. Blue Skies and Green Lights Xoxo ❤️❤️❤️

@starlightwhispers6781 Жыл бұрын

It's so painful to have this truth be presented to you. It's like different rules apply to different people like why weren't you 'good enough' but some stranger is?

@multilingualmind778 Жыл бұрын

I´ve just started watching, after 9 minutes started crying, to the author - thank you for sharing

@billie6814 Жыл бұрын

There there, I hope you're ok - it's good to let it out. ❤️ Be so kind to yourself right now. We're all learning on this channel and I truly believe we're all making it together. We can do this! ☀️

@duderanch4029 Жыл бұрын

I literally just got out of a relationship almost a carbon copy to this except we were together for two and a half years. So much emotional beating but in the beginning I was that guy, in the end I became that girl, so I know exactly how both sides feel

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing! -Calista@TeamFairy

@MikelD2017 Жыл бұрын

Jeez! Story of my life!! Been dealing with this for a year in a half after a 3 year relationship. Absolutely destructive and now currently not speaking with the girl. It’s hard but sooooo necessary!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing! -Calista@TeamFairy

@jenrich111 Жыл бұрын

18:30 yes Elizabeth Taylor says, "it's the wanting & getting; not the having (that is exciting)." talking jewels, homes, cars, men n marriage

@mintyhippo8125 Жыл бұрын

It’s funny because I was in a similar situation, but the guy would always tell me that he didn’t even want to be friends lol (Even though we hung out and had similar interests that we talked about… you know, being FRIENDS) So that made it easier for me to be like, “okay, this guy isn’t giving me anything at all. Especially if he is in denial about what friends are 🤔.” And when he decided one day to pursue romantic ambitions elsewhere, I said, “okay, good luck!” And left. … when he tried to pull me back because (well, he probably missed me doting on him), I was like, “?? You told me you were done…?” So, even though it sucked to be rejected over and over and told I’m not even good enough for friendship, I’m glad he pushed me away so much since it made it easier to move on and gain some perspective.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

See, I do like and respond to your comments, @Minty_Hippo. Yours are always good to read!

@mintyhippo8125 Жыл бұрын

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy that’s so sweet of you to say 😊 I’m glad my comments are good! I know my insecurity about it just comes from needing to be perfect growing up, but I really appreciate you taking the time to make me feel welcome here. I mostly comment in case anyone could learn something from my experience, but yeah, that feeling of “oh geez. What if my experience isn’t bad enough or seems like complaining?” Just loves to poke it’s head in 😅

@annex7236 Жыл бұрын

I loved this video! I think the daily practice is crucial but something that has really helped me (in addition to the daily practice) was to take the Healing CPTSD course where you will develop your principles or guiding standards for how you want to live your life. I constantly ask myself (as I am interacting with people personally or professionally) is this in line with my life principles? It has been SO helpful. Thank you Anna!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

That's great to hear!

@PaperMario64 Жыл бұрын

Hi Lauren. You aren’t alone in your experience. Please remember that you are in control of your life. You must decide what kind of partner you want in your life. Think of this relationship and write down all the things you liked about him and all the way he hurt you. It’s YOUR decision who you allow into your life and what characteristics you want in a person. You deserve to be loved, not needed or tolerated.

@TaniniPanini Жыл бұрын

Damn saw the name of this video and was like “maam are you WATXHING me”?!? Lemme send this to my therapist

@MsTreefox Жыл бұрын

Dear lord, I felt exhausted just listening to that letter 😬

@Wrxgirl2021 Жыл бұрын

Perfect timing for me. I believe cold turkey. No contact is the only way

@dancraig9 Жыл бұрын

Ouch! Your timing is perfect. I've done a lot of that with the only payoff of having a close friend for a while. I never managed to myself or a girl friend to cheat. Luckily I have a talent for ruining relationships early. I do think that women are better friends that men. It's too bad that it rarely works out.

@stacyjaye6350 Жыл бұрын

Anna, as I am listening to this, I am hearing your little uh-huh, mmm... In this way of being yourself, in between the lines, one cannot help but feel and know that you've been through all of this yourself. You are so authentic, and I think that might be your greatest gift of all to us. So here I go, saying what I always say... THANK YOU. Much gratitude and respect, from Tulsa, Oklahoma. ☮️💖🫂

@joellenklemek138 Жыл бұрын

Wow this was a really good one for me. I’m not currently involved in an additive cat/mouse chasing toxic affair (thank god). But what great advice. And the letter writer also seems so self aware! I will apply this to compare with non romantic chase addicting freinemies and just myself. I like what you said about not drinking just to be healthy in mind sole and body.

@flowerpower4944 Жыл бұрын

I went no contact , with my ex, impossible to be healthy friends, I got over the trauma bond,and very happy now ,I had a lucky Escape looking back now,Anna your videos are very inspiring and Truthful,🤗👍👍💞

@Wormwoodification Жыл бұрын

Scary how similar this letter detailed the relationship I had, like a carbon copy word for word, with my ex... ironically named Laura. That relationship messed me up. It's been 10 years and I still have trauma from it. No contact is the best thing you can do in a situation like this. I am no contact with her and with my mother. I refuse to be treated like this again. I don't be friends with exes anymore. Never ever again I am so grateful to hear about the abandonment melange. I have never heard of it and it explains my current trauma responses so well. I don't know how to fix it, but at least it has a name now. Thank you.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

Glad the video was helpful! Thanks for being here :) -Calista@TeamFairy

@MichaelJordan-xp3yb Жыл бұрын

i had a "relationship" exactly like this...Charlie probably has EUPD...I spent a lot of time hating this flame for how she treated me now i realize our relationship was just a symptom of her illness and if i wasn't so naive I would have never gone along with it. I wont lie it was so hard pulling myself out of it but I had to hit rock bottom with her to realise it would never end. I had to quit, I had to finally be in control of the relationship, i blocked her and stopped speaking to her for good. Its been a few months now and im so grateful i did that. Because i was addicted to her, despite the fact she often made me feel like garbage. thats not love, not even close.

@longolongo3890 Жыл бұрын

I was hesitant about looking into your tools, attached in the description in every video. After this one I WILL look into them. Thank you for helping understanding so much.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching! -Calista@TeamFairy

@laurapavoni6507 Жыл бұрын

That's what I thought: this is a letter from an alcoholic in relationship with another alcoholic. I've been there, addicted to drinking DRAMA.

@rturney6376 Жыл бұрын

Great 👍 Observation!!! Yes 🙌 !!!

@katieinwonderland123 Ай бұрын

This kind of stuff is what brings me back to reality. I literally started listening to podcasts and reading relationship books to "repair" my "relationship" which was a online-only situationship with a guy I was talking to on telegram. We are truly so delusional and naive I could see it as hurtful but it's almost hilarious

@allisonbutler4829 Жыл бұрын

Ah, at the risk of not sounding politically correct- you come through with EVERY issue I just went through! Gosh. I just need the title of your next video so I know what to expect. And it is interesting because these issues are so specific and every time, they are genuine efforts I make to be healthy and make wiser decisions. But they don't work. And I feel a bit at a loss for what to do. I know not to isolate, but continuing to try feels like I am wasting my time- like there are these hidden rules that no one ever told me. I HAVE gained two solid friends who understand me & that are reciprocal and loving- which I can directly credit to your (and a few others) teachings, so thank you. I am deeply grateful for those, but after 3 years of being single, I want to meet someone I can do life with. Is it too much to ask?!! Does it ever truly get better?!

@allisonbutler4829 Жыл бұрын

@@elipotter369 see, this is where I am and have been for a really long time. Healing & taking care of myself. But I have ventured into dating again a couple times & every time I stick my toe in the water, it just has turned out poorly. So... hoping I can come out of this cycle soon.

@allisonbutler4829 Жыл бұрын

@@elipotter369 me TOO! Deleted all my apps & have committed to really trying to just do what I love & trust that I will organically meet the right people. I know lots of folks do have success online. I know it is possible, but it seems to bring in people who aren't aligned with where I am. So, I am just pulling my energy back to myself & focusing on my kids, my goals, and just having fun being single- because it can be really fun.

@marleyofficialmedia Жыл бұрын

Thanks Anna. I did a few Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) workshops online and they were really helpful. I highly recommend all the viewers to at least take a peek at the material. I found the workshops on KZfaq. They talk about how we mustn't "eroticize abandonment". That really stuck with me and helped me categorize my own behaviour as addictive, compulsive and self harming. So much love to all of you. ❤🌹✨

@MsSheilaC Жыл бұрын

Anna, I have to remark that when I watch these videos of you responding to your audiences letters, it’s striking how incredibly articulate and deft people are with describing situations, emotions, etc. The letter writing! I wish I could express myself the same. It’s always helpful, but also satisfying to hear examples of people that are so well spoken.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing these kind words :) -Calista@TeamFairy

@Cale_Davison Жыл бұрын

My ears heard with the volume and clarity of truth. How could it be mean to go so deeply into the heart?

@lucymorey93 Жыл бұрын

Dear Anna, Your description of all the letter writer's panics and abandonment melanges as a "drain" on her vital energies floored me. This is 💯 exactly what I have been doing with an avoidant person!!! I know it's true now in my case. I just spent days deciding how to get through to this man just to tell him how to say "no" to me simply, when what I need to say to this whole mess is NO. Thank you so much for your wisdom.

@maceygrace9406 Жыл бұрын

I’m laughing nervously because I can see my current situationship going this way 😅 😬 yikes 😳

@duderanch4029 Жыл бұрын

I’ve been there, please do yourself the favor and get out asap, you probably won’t do it because you’re sorta in the weirdly comfortable phase to it, but it’s a dark path entering. A hard learned lesson will ensue once it’s all done with whether you both make it workout or not

@lilithowl Жыл бұрын

All your videos are helpful, but I really needed this one. Thank you

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy

@RoadRunnergarage8570 Жыл бұрын

He's "shattered" by his own mistakes...IT IS ALL ON HIM!!

@JusttRaquel Жыл бұрын

You are NOT mean Anna. Thank you because you are touching and positively effecting people like me with your videos. I was going through exactly the same things as the writer of that letter. My codependency and need to "fix" things has cost me a lot, and I do deserve more. So THANK YOU for helping me to see it.

@floridacroquetgirl Жыл бұрын

You’re SO good at this.

@kymwilson7060 Жыл бұрын

This is my life We met at work in 2006, got together officially in Jan 2007 so when he moved in we were together literally 24/7 - all day at work then at home. He left me in March 2012….. It’s now October 2022 he asked me over last night, and I left his house this morning upset and rejected with my self esteem and self worth battered yet again

@RoadRunnergarage8570 Жыл бұрын

If she is no longer enjoying the soccer team because of him...tell him."Either you quit the soccer team ..or I quit the soccer team!!"..

@jenniferhanson6467 Жыл бұрын

Your insights are so spot on and pricelessly valuable. 💓💓💓

@bluntweirdo Жыл бұрын

these two people are using each other for self harm

@rturney6376 Жыл бұрын

Alcoholics?

@mabinogidrws Жыл бұрын

Honestly, these people will suck the life out of you and frame it as you being the one to blame. I have abandonment issues and got involved with a work friend. He led me on to get to the bit where I had to ask what we were doing. Then after telling him he'd wasted my time and having a fight, we made up the next day, and I stupidly suggested FWB because I hadn't had any for a few years. It gets lonely. When we were alone, he was really lovely. He even suggested we go away for my birthday. I said no because that's what couples do. He was annoyed by that. He told me he didn't want people knowing about us as he was embarrassed. Then he'd hang out with another woman at work, still does. Fast forward to now, after he broke it off with me around 2 months ago, then kept hovering, and now he's mad at me for divulging to someone that (wait for it...) we ate dinner together. He went off at me that I'd tell people about his private life. Because, apparently, having dinner with me is top secret stuff. I'm not perfect, I was needy, clingy, emotional, argumentative, but that's how we feel when our needs aren't being met. I don't know why he's so secretive, but I don't think it truly has anything to do with food.

@snezhanaanechkin9373 Жыл бұрын

Thank you, Anna. This video is exactly what I needed right now.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

Glad it was helpful! -Cara@TeamFairy

@faysmith7248 Жыл бұрын

So relevant. Validation to do an infj door slam. Going through this after being with him luckily only 2 years. He'd abuse me and hound me saying that I was starting at other men when I wasn't. I was actually just considering changing the form of the relationship to just friends. But I've noticed recently that he will pass sexual boundaries and obviously I like him. So my bottom line is to not meet with him. It hurts because he was funny but he was so immature. And I could see through his games. Sad thing was we were supposedly in a relationship but treated me like fwb. We were Fwb 20 years ago...I left a 17 year unhappy relationship and we hooked up. It took me 2 and a half years to get away 😅. Still not away yet but don't want to see him. I think he's manipulative.

@Vashti0825 Жыл бұрын

The dude is a full blown alcoholic. She has no idea who this guy really is. Speaking from experience, I wouldn't sleep over either. I needed a drink in the morning. 24 years later, I'm still grateful for my divine intervention.

@rturney6376 Жыл бұрын

❤🎉😊 great 👍

@avanellehansen4525 11 ай бұрын

I admire your ability to hit the nail in the head without splitting the wood. Honest tough love.

@vivisimonvi 2 ай бұрын

I'm so torn of "abandoning" my ex whom I have strong feelings towards lately and she only sees me as a friend. I have nobody else in my life romantically (and for a very long time) and it feels so wasteful to just seemingly throw this person away. But I also can't help ruminating about her every day and it's a somewhat horrible cycle to deal with. She doesn't treat me badly (unlike in the past), and hasn't really done anything to warrant to just dump as a friend. And it's not like we even do anything. We've been texting for months and hung out just ONE TIME and it feels like I'm so not getting anything out of this "friendship" but only a constant slow drip of breadcrumbs and misery. Watching this segment I know the right answer on what to do, but I just can't come to terms with being alone again and it will be all my doing. But I also caught another segment here of lighting up your "beacon" (paraphrasing here), when you're free of past entanglements. I kinda wish she never came back into my life because I feel like I was doing well being alone intentionally (I feel I'm unfit for a real mature relationship). But then I wouldn't have discovered this incredible channel that has given me so much different perspectives on life I never thought possible if that makes any sense. I imagine one day there's hope for me.

@dragonfly8149 Жыл бұрын

You're definitely not mean, I'm so impressed with the way you share difficult truths and manage to positively validate the person you're talking to. You are a wonderful role model who's communication inspires me that there is always a compassionate way to deal with these difficult personal problems. You have given me hope and validation to move forward in life embracing these difficult parts of myself so I can heal. My mother wasn't alcoholic but treated me in the same way you describe, mostly neglect and then rare moments of complete spoiling when all the other things she gave her attention to were temporarily unavailable. It's been hard for me to recognise this pattern; this description has given me a lot of insight.

@andivarga3981 Жыл бұрын

I've learned this on my own skin. This really sucked my lifepower out of me. Thank you for your work, when I found your youtube channel, it was a real lifechanging for me!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

So glad you're here! Thanks for watching :) -Calista@TeamFairy

@dime7612 Жыл бұрын

Ohhh. I can’t wait to hear this one!

@joanellebracht5311 Жыл бұрын

Great, descriptive letter ... I can identify.

@julieroberts2757 9 ай бұрын

These stories are so good and her responses are so on target that it almost makes me wish that I still had these problems. I have lived this life--it took up decades. I so wish she was around during all those ridiculous "relationships" and could get me the skills that I needed to move beyond it all.

@dime7612 Жыл бұрын

I swear you have a camera on my life. Perfect timing.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

Glad you're here!

@ichsehnursoaus Жыл бұрын

I have been in a Similar Situation. The friends could be helpful but they mostly do have an opinion that they never tell, maybe not even when they are asked directly. I left the whole circle. I hope you could get a better solution, cause i still gotta find New friends.

@filippersson5256 Жыл бұрын

Precisely what i had use of hearing today Anna, thank you thank you! 👅

@mickboyce386 Жыл бұрын

This lady could be a crappy childhood assistant she has researched this so well. Just finds it hard to apply to herself

@rturney6376 Жыл бұрын

Brilliant Girl 👧 🎉❤!! They both sound like Alcoholics. Sadly.

@flowerpower4944 Жыл бұрын

Don't be a door mat for no one, that's what would happen, set your boundries

@steveconn Жыл бұрын

Rebuilding a healthy rapport after a bad past is something I least try to facilitate, if I care for and respect the person enough. Sounds like I have avoidant-attachment issues that doomed the original relationship. Despite some narc relapses I'm generally proud of my behavior with an ex in that regard.

@candykelly2705 Жыл бұрын

Anna, just before this ended, I paused it and texted a guy with whom I've been having a off and on, sexual but disconnected relationship. When I admitted I realized I couldn't do the FWB thing and wanted more. He suggested we go back to being friends. So I explained to him in my text that I couldn't go back to being friends, it was unhealthy for the CPTSD that I have. I wished him luck and ended things. So thank you for that. So here is a question, where are the healthy men who can give me the kind of relationship I'm looking for? What's the percentage of healthy, potential partners, that are out there and single? TY

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

Healthy men are all around you. As you heal, you will become aware of them

@candykelly2705 Жыл бұрын

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy After all the looking around and dating I've done, I would think I'd find at least one, but I haven't. I think the majority are broken.

@candykelly2705 Жыл бұрын

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I'm beginning to heal. I've been at it for 6 years. So far, nada!

@number1fan19 9 ай бұрын

Wow I did exactly what this woman did only I’m so fking stupid, I let this go on for THREE YEARS. It took him ghosting me for his ex for 5 weeks while I was very sick with Covid (I got from him caring for him when he was ill) to finally have enough. I’m 15 months out now and healing, but I still think it over constantly-how much I invested, how hard I tried, how much I loved him, all to come to the realization I meant NOTHING to him😔

@Mitshda Жыл бұрын

I think we most of the times attract people with our same issues!

@pauladuncanadams1750 Жыл бұрын

Sorry, the guy is dark tetrad. Let's call a narcissist a spade. They like making you all confused because it makes them feel powerful pulling your strings like a marionette. I've been there. Mine was sadistic and perverted. He's never gonna change. Yes, he's using you. Accept it and move on. Get help for the trauma bond. I wish you peace and love. It's possible and I'm proof.

@stefanfeist9893 6 ай бұрын

If they say they want to be friends after being in a relationship, they are using you to get over you. Also, if it's not a Yes it's a No.

@Mitshda Жыл бұрын

TRUE!!!!! Thank u ❤️

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

Thanks for listening! -Calista@TeamFairy

@rosieleat6868 Жыл бұрын

Omg this channel is amazing

@krazy_taco8390 Жыл бұрын

i needed that. appreciate it

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

Thanks for listening! -Calista@TeamFairy

@HeyItsEvi Жыл бұрын

Needed this 😮

@RoadRunnergarage8570 Жыл бұрын

He sounds quite manipulative too ..

@nadiamushtary4888 Жыл бұрын

29:51 to 30:12 is everything !

@dime7612 Жыл бұрын

Sorry one more comment. It is so clear to me. So clear. This girl is willing to be with him, and he is all crazy. Girl, do not feel bad about yourself. You made yourself available and he is all over the place. I’ve being doing this in my life too. You are not right for each other. Plain and simple trauma bond. I hope you see this and move on!! Even share this video with the guy and hopefully he can see the pattern too!!! Greener pastures ahead for both of you if you can see this. also, graceful. We need to be graceful with relationships, and it is hard for us who come from god damn crazy backgrounds cuz that is what we ass Kate with love or the norm. Find grace and pace, and do t sleep with anyone if you think you like them. Get to know them first. A hot one night stand and you are never gonna see the person again is sex, but if you like someone and have sex with them before you get to know them, a well good luck baby spinning that roulette wheel. People don’t wait, but we need to start waiting. Anywho, do what you gotta do!!!

@purplefireweed Жыл бұрын

Excellence in tough love and empathy, as always. Fairy team: where's the link to the vid at very end? 🙃

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching! Here's the link: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/ncdkiaubsNHaZ2Q.html -Calista@TeamFairy

@RoadRunnergarage8570 Жыл бұрын

This is why I avoid relationships....Too many mixed signals that confuse my already compromised TBI(Traumatic Brain Injury) brain...

@zuli_fab Жыл бұрын

Meditate ....immediately block 🚫 him from ur heart...to dettach urself stop talking 4 a few days..and no need to meet that person ...then forget, forgive and stay happy....don't forget meditation..u can try shambhavi mudra also ..do it frequently .

@RoadRunnergarage8570 Жыл бұрын

I think she should just pity him...and make it clear that's all it will ever be!!

@greyfox2822 Жыл бұрын

I've learned the hard way not to date anyone who is still "friends" with their exes. It's just not possible. I know people will argue with me about how they're the exception but noooope

@blacksea1726 Жыл бұрын

Same! That “friend” with ex, I noticed covers a lot of toxic behaviour, unhealed and lack of accountability! Never seen healthy, mature people being all friend with exes! Even when they share kids, they keep in touch and communicate about the kids, but no friendship! That is the only healthy way too, for future in my opinion!

@joellenklemek138 Жыл бұрын

I’m friends with most of my ex’s. Absolutely zero benefits. Even so Listening to this letter I really have to think back now. Was there some limerence or some false hoping going on? I would say not. But I will have to think back to when it first became a friendship. For the x’s I’m not friends with, some were too abusive for me to forgive and want to be friends with. And some I couldn’t because I would still want romance with. But most of them are very good friends and nothing more. I must be good at “relationship aftermath”. 😊

@autumnzephyr Жыл бұрын

@@blacksea1726 I have no idea what ya'll are talking about. I'm still friends with my son's dad, and I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in EVER getting back together with him. He is my son's father, and we have share many similar interests, so we will talk from time to time about those things, but there is no possibility of a romantic relationship ever being rekindled. That possibility died several years ago.

@stacyjaye6350 Жыл бұрын

@@joellenklemek138 I have found that guy's especially hate it when their girlfriends are still friends with their exes. Especially if we're talking plural! But good luck.

@stacyjaye6350 Жыл бұрын

@@autumnzephyr that's basically exactly what she said.

@mariaramos8267 Жыл бұрын

Anna, you are so right and you say what is needed to say, with love. From my experience, only when we feel really connection, I have it now with my actual therapist, we can be free of trauma driven relationships and sex, and it would be possible to change trauma atraction for men.

@fartmagus Ай бұрын

32:59 this!

@lemsip207 Жыл бұрын

You need a clean break of at least is months after a break up even with someone you had a healthy relationship with to be able to take stock of that relationship and your life. I wish I had thought of that when much younger as I would have needed that time to find new friends and interests or reconnect with old ones. Without that clean break I didn't realise that I had been in an abusive relationship and couldn't move on from the fears that surfaced because of the relationship.

@RoadRunnergarage8570 Жыл бұрын

IMO a good hobby makes you happy ..NOT A RELATIONSHIP!!

@MrColtonrob1 Жыл бұрын

wow this is all me ...sexes reversed...so crazy...I'm not alone I thought I was crazy.... thank for the insight

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

So glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy

@SaarLeestMee Жыл бұрын

yes this circle is so killing i have this with my ex who was my best friend before we dated. my trauma's did a lot but i worked on it. also bit avoidant same things. not sleeping around though he's a decent guy i'm just not totally healed so i chased him out of a relationship with me but lot's of emotions and i get that dark alone and not good enough place. he is not this extreme dismissive. actually he helped me a lot like partner last months. i just don't want to be pushy but also not want to live in these in between fases it's to triggering

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Жыл бұрын

Yup, we totally understand. Sending you encouragement! -Calista@TeamFairy

@SaarLeestMee Жыл бұрын

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you for your channel and community. greetings from the old belgians