Hear Hear!! Absolutely! Always there is something wrong with you if you in any way differ to the needs of the narc mother!

@@Amaterasu_990 100%. If my mum doesn't hear back from me she starts saying I need to at least tell her I'm ok. Oh I'm ok, that's why I'm not talking to you.

Yes my mom says stuff like this to me but she's more covert in her other tactics. She's an expert gaslighter, I had no idea what that really was until my dr. recommended a book about emotional manipulation. Channels like this (especially this one I think) really help too.

my adoptive mother lied about my parenting abilities to corrupted social workers to invalidate and tarnish my reputation and destroy my family all bcoz of her own insecurities and inner resentments towards me!

@@Amanda-vc1lp can you please tell us the title of the book and the author? Thank you 🤗🙂

I can confirm this. I didn’t speak to my mother a month after my son was born. I refuse to not protect my son from what I went through. My first child... her first grandchild... it’s been five months and counting

So helpful, thank you for the heads up. And congratulations!

Way to go Jennifer!!!!

So true

proud of you Jesus loves you

So true! These role plays really show that there's no way to behave that will make a narcissist respect you or listen to you. For those of us who have spent years going crazy, wondering what we did wrong, it's such an eye opener.

exactly! in real life it simply does not work with such people.

That's why we cut them aut of our lifes - so we don't have to LISTEN - to theyr 🐎💩👽👿🤡🤬💣💥☠ anymore.

do your sisters makeup or we will disown you lol at that point its easier to say you cant fire me cuz i quit!

Yes! I agree! My parent is covert and it would not go down like this, I think there would have to be a different manner of gray rocking with a covert narcissist...

@handbag agreed! Some narcissists are a bit softer. The execution is different, but the intent is still there. Comments like "Well if it really mattered to you..." or "I guess I'll make the sacrifice, because otherwise no one else will." Really are manipulative in their own way. Just because they don't yell, doesn't mean they aren't spitting venom.

He’s got a video of a role play with a covert narc father on this channel that may be more relevant for you.

@@zhenya9302 Thank you!! I’ll look for it!

Same. She’s sooo good at it. I’d never know what hit me. That’s why it took me over thirty years to figure it out!

Lol I was thinking the same thing. Sometimes you don't have to distance yourself because the people with the toxic behaviors will start to realize that they can no longer get a rise from you or manipulate you when you start to grey rock and assert boundaries

maybe i will find a cooler family at the wedding who can adopt me into their tribe lol

🤭I thought the same

it's like a reward

They don't like themselves

@@catherinesinclair7727 I see that now and have to remind myself of that, thank you

@@mynameisprivate3712 glad it helped...It's a hard thing to come to terms with when you realise both these things. Sending you best wishes

They 1.don't like you 2. Don't love you 3. Enjoy seeing you hurt 4. Enjoy either by hurting you directly 5. Enjoy getting other people to hurt you 6. Enjoy watching other people hurt you 7. Will discard you as trash 8. Will praise you, when you are not there, in order to fell/take credit for your success

Honey, they _already_ don't like you. A narcissist isn't even capable of love. Ask yourself this- do they respect you? If they actually liked you, they would. Just realize, they never "liked you", that feeling isn't in them, and it's NOT your fault. They are counting on your decent, human emotions to keep you stuck with them forever. Leave while you still can.

YESSSSS!!!!

Boom

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏💕

Well said

Me too! My dad used to get like that and yell in my ear until I heard buzzing. I don’t understand how someone can get so totally unhinged around a child.

My mom would be like "Why are you watching that?" and act dumb.

SAME.

I had that feeling bubble up in me as I read you describing it 😂

I definitely used this and just learned the term today. For me it was survival but I felt guilty every time, now I feel released and validated. ❤

I'm not surprised that happens. At some point, you realize you no longer have the energy to entertain them anymore

Thank you for your notes. 📝 I’ve been studying gray rock videos for pointers.

Yes, great example of demonstrating verbal judo without using an aggressive tone or language. I’ve done this with a spouse. She decided I no longer gave her what she needed and I’ve been discarded. I’ve lived on my own since August and do not wonder how she *really* feels about me or if that thing I did for her was done right. Because the answer always is: she has no real feelings to wonder about, only reactions that suited her in the moment. And, she couldn’t care less how something was done so long as she could see me doing as I was asked/told. For the women viewing videos on narcissism, and have a narcissistic male partner your situation is likely more difficult than mine. I did not have worries about my partner is committing acts of physical violence against me. I wish everyone well.

shes the matriarch her and her flying monkeys will disown you

Me too!

Me three! Took me until I was 54! This was my last resort but I was finally left with no choice. (I do struggle daily with the fact that they’re 77, and now alone during Covid but that’s the consequences of his actions, right?). No Contact is best thing I ever did for me, though. Despite the worry and all the deep dive work I’m doing on myself, I’m sleeping better, have lost 22 pounds and counting, and feel more positive overall.

Good for you. NC saved my sanity. ❤️

Exact same here!

Me five!

Yeah! I got married back in October and my mom was all quiet and "betrayed" when I had to gray rock her for trying to manipulate a say into my wedding plans. It worked at making me feel guilty but fortunately I didn't back track

yes. whats being depicted in this video is much more pushing over to malignant narcissist territory. my mother would feel fine being malignant, or acting wounded and victimized, whatever it took.

There is a video by this youtuber on being a covert narcissist... son and father I think:)

You should ask your mother, Don't you feel guilty about trying to make people feel guilty? I did years ago, the reaction was , more tears, then a tantrum, with lots of people watching.

My mom would actually say, "I was the perfect mother and I raised two perfect kids" Omg how delusional

Its seems like she was trying to show the daughter that something is wrong with her

My parents would go to weight shaming or implying i was lazy.. Or my favorite, "maybe if you put on some makeup, you wouldn't be so..." fill in the blank.. 😳😠

the mom is worried about your stability meanwhile she needs an exorcism

i was doing a technique like this years before finding out that it was a "technique," and i got "are you high?" quite a few times from my mother

"You sound sleepy" "You sound depressed" "Are you melancholic?" They always try to hook you into a conversation where you are not careful, trip over your words and finally admit in doing everything for them 😂 I laughed, I had someone tell me something similar when I grey rocked them

I hear you! Mine, “You seem sleepy... Oh, you’re not wearing any eye makeup.”

Such a way to patronize and project that something is always wrong with you 🙄

On some level they recognize the grey-rocking. My parents used to call me boring when I was a teen and grey rocked them instinctually.

Yeh! My mother does it with another sentence: When I am watching something, I tend to be totally focused and I look basically dead or really mad bc I frown XD And when my mother looks at me she would go 'Everything alright, dear?' or 'Are you mad?' Same goes for when I am scrolling on my phone 'You are looking down, is there something?' Ofc I look down, I look at my phone haha But in fact, she doesn't really care if I'm alright. She just asks that to appear caring and so I won't have a reason to say otherwise

yes and " you look tired" when you are actually angry .

I would say 'just hang up' But that would be weird bc I can't do that ^^' I hope you're alright ^^

@@kimberlyceulemans6015 I know, and the repercussions of having to deal with the guilt until they speak to you again. I’m getting there, but every day it is so draining even thinking about it. We can do it!

Lol i just hang up or dont answer its pointless

Just say there´s someone knocking at the door and you have to go, don´t let them respond and just hang up. No need to go through all that.

@@hypatia4754 agree with this technique - a white lie that works with them

It is really well played, i agree!! I just got scared and had to pause so many times bc I felt like I was being screamed at lmao XD

Lol so relatable indeed. Although my mom is less extreme than that. But the idea is there. It really is satisfying..

The grey rock part had me in a giggle fit because I can't tell you how many times I've had to tell my sister, "Nope, not doing it, your problem." lol

Ditto

Yesssss! Lol I was so happy at the end!

Im glad to hear this... I’m the eldest in a family of narcissists and I hope one day my little brothers will be able to understand my grey rock responses to my parent’s abuse and that they also have power to leave the toxic family dynamic.

I finally realized after many years that my Mom said/says negative things about extended family and friends to me and it often turns out to not be true. Then she wonders why people don’t come to visit with her. She also keeps a messy house and says if people don’t like it, they don’t need to come. And again says she doesn’t understand why people don’t stop in to visit her.

🧡👍-I understand-hun I wish you all the best x I hope it turns out that he does have awareness and purposely chose that action to save himself xx theres hope there-but also be careful-if it turns out he’s ‘just detatched’ because he dosent care-have no expectations and know your great-I had hoped the same but unfortunately he is damaged but much more covert!!!!! I dunno but I hope the best x

When you say "work up the courage" I'm guessing that you're afraid of something. If that's true, what is it you're afraid of? Are you, like, scared if your brother because of alm the gray rocking he did to you? Or is it like, you feel uneasy talking about the abuse with another family member? I'm sorry if I make you feel pressured, I'm just curious

You may be afraid of your brother because you don’t know him. It’s like talking to someone you just met for the first time since your parents created a false image of your brother to you. It’s okay to feel unsure about how your first real convo will be but if your brother is like me being the eldest sibling then I believe at some point he wanted a relationship with you to the point where it killed him inside because your parents ruined that like they probably did everything else in his life. People like this gossip and slander biblically that is the same as murder because you tear someone down to build yourself up. So if your brother is like me he died inside from either realizing he is not loved by your parents and you since you didn’t know any better and believed them unknowingly. Go to your brother or send a email or text saying something like “I’ve been researching our family dynamic and narcissism and I hate I didn’t know any better but I want to get to know you without our parents. We don’t have to let them know we are talking. I’m sorry and I love you and want to try to be close to you but our parents ruined that for us. I apologize for them.” Usually as scapegoats we went most of our life being used because it’s been normalized by our parents. We rarely ever get gratitude or apologizes so you reaching out with love and an apology and he more than likely will return your message. Especially since you are showing him that someone of his own blood especially understands him and he is not losing it. Edit: I had to break away from my mother and sister because my sister is believes everything that my mom tells her. I don’t talk to my mother and sadly now I don’t talk to my sister because she is listening to her and when I reach out my sister ignores my calls and texts and seems dead on the phone if we do talk. I fear my mom is grooming her for codependency and to be like her since I was “rebellious” and “disobedient” for being my own person and she couldn’t do that with me. So your brother seeing that you broke the spell may just reach out because he had to escape the entire family for his sanity and health and sadly since you didn’t know any better if he still communicated with you then you will unknowingly communicate with your parents and your parents could have used you to lure your brother back in the toxic mix. Much love and God bless!

Or “you seem tired” and for me that’s usually added with a “you’ve been working so much, I hate that you work so much”

You're the normal one. I used to get, You don't react normally when I speak to you. Says it all really, they don't have normal conversations. I was told years ago, just remember you are dealing with a child in an adults body. What gives them the appearance of confidence is just years of getting their own way, just shrug your shoulders and walk away.

Ditto

Projection

Gaslighting is a common tool like this with my malignant Narcissistic sociopath mother.

Yeah, I was completely baffled by my mom recently saying “maybe you have bipolar disorder” when I’ve never exhibited any such symptoms. This finally explained it.

I really like this. Grey rock takes a lot out of you, but as you reminded me you don't have to use it all the time

I wish this worked with my covert nmom too :/

LOL, this works, but unlike puppies, they can't stick to it. Don't make the mistake of going out of your way to treat them super kindly and doing a lot of stuff for them if they start acting "normal" for a while, because they will slip back into their old skin, real quick, and you'll be the one feeling like you failed yourself for believing things would be different. Don't overestimate them. They can't "change". They don't have the ability to self-reflect, learn and grow from their mistakes. So don't get your hopes up about things being better. With narcs, it's only momentary.

I naturally do that to people and it works well.

That’s genius

and it's helpful. It has helped me with grieving & moving on.

@@LP-jn4tw Agreed!

So many other channels just talk about "what is narcissism" "signs of narcissism" etc. It's like WE KNOW. This channel actually offers solutions! ♥️

You should check Sam Vaknin. Most terms ppl use were coined by him decades ago.

i need role play videos about dealing with a narc ex like when they want my money but are above working lol

I did the same with my narcissistic sibling also. Tried to rope me in right before starting my new life accused me of theft , then accused me of stealing another thing. All I said was “please give me a list of everything you believe I have taken and I will replace as needed.” Then walked away shut that house door and felt great!

I have a sibling that I need to speak to like this as well. It's horrible to have to deal with this. His line is always "I'm trying to have a conversation or don't you know how to have a conversation". My responses to him are always very dry and minimal. It's sad that it has to be this way but I feel it's necessary.

@@adreamgirl08 Yes, they act like they're just trying to be reasonable, but really, they're just gaslighting people.

My brother legitimately said to me that 'I want to connect with you but YOU are always so overly emotional about everything, we need to find a way to fix that so we can talk'. This man is a misogynist and constantly criticizes and insults me. When I finally started setting boundaries and distancing myself from him he started accusing me of being depressed and that there is something seriously wrong with my mental health (my life is actually going really well I just haven't shared it with him because I don't feel emotional safe with him). Before I realized what was actually happening I was so confused at to why he kept insisting there was something 'wrong' with me and why I always felt so hollow after sharing my successes. Makes sense now!

@@nattaloane Yes, notice how he said "we" need to find a way to fix this, as if he's so benevolent and willing to help you. We all know it's a ruse!

The couple of months I've gone with no contact have been great as well. I don't feel guilty at all like I thought I would.

You got this!!!🙂

Fam I feel the same too😂

Yeah they certainly managed to put the work in so that it makes it daunting to even consider doing this to them

Like for real i only felt how tentioned i was when it ended and i could breathe again

Me too, I felt like I was 10 years old again.

fabulous

Amen. It’s taken me much longer than 27 to realize this. Congrats.

Hell yes!

yes, they don't get the privilege of seeing our emotions!

I'm so happy for you - I can't imagine who I could have been if I had found healing while still so young. So go out there - change the world, make a difference!

The "secretive" line... I think you just saved my life!

This is still really hard for me because my mom ALWAYS has annoying and accusing come back. She's a master at shaming

Yes

Wow nice! That’s a great skill to have. Took me 35 years and she still manages to do things

I'm gonna do the same with my son when he's more mature and aware with life around him

I believe you. 💕

Omg! YES! So accurate and annoying

I believe you. Watch the video and use it in your own life. Role play with a therapist.

My boyfriend didn't believe that my malignant narcissist father could really "be THAT bad" until he came over for dinner one night. My dad was three sheets to the wind already and just finishing up the BBQ. His new wife made a comment about the BBQ sauce being a little too sour, and my dad yanked her whole plate of food away and tossed it in the garbage. She went to her room, and the three of us ate in complete silence. My boyfriend later apologized to me for not believing and said "He's even WORSE than you let on!"

lol after being in a few weddings like this I was like "No bridesmaids!!" at my own 😂

Agreed. I was totally laughing through and through.

I ofc have no clue what your situation is/was but if my memory is correct, than my father tend to do the same. But I kind of understand why he didn't really do anything. My mother drank wodka the whole day 24/7 (she never got drunk, she just drank it throuout the day slowly) and it tend to make her quite agressive. Not in the way that she would hit us (at least, I don't think that happened) but she would scream and be mad and wouldn't 'forgive' you if you didn't apologise, no matter if you were in the wrong or not. So to avoid more problems than needed, my father just ignored it. He did calm us down by letting us do his makeup for fun and play a bit with us, so we wouldn't feel bad all the way. Maybe that is why your father didn't do anything do either, yet I don't claim I am right, it is just an idea ^^ I hope you are doing alright ^^

I always found that interesting. Why the other parent seem to stop reasoning enabling the abuse?

Mine does the same. Nothing

@@kimberlyceulemans6015 I don't know why they enable a narcissist partner. But looking back my Dads mother was possibly similar and her husband just sat and took a lot of abuse, so maybe my dad thought it was normal. I certainly didn't, I got away when I was 18. My adopted mother got worse as she got older, she saw herself as a grand matriarch, the leader of the family, and she cried like a baby if she didn't get her own way. Any normal person could see through this, even my kids laughed at the crocodile tears, but my Dad and sister actually panicked. We didn't live anywhere near them, just minimal contact for years. I used to regret I didn't say more about it, but now I think I probably handled it ok by staying away and letting them all get on with their ridiculous lifestyle.

I think you were lucky to have stayed away. Perhaps she broke your dad.

I'm curious, how long has it taken & was it all with limited in-person contact?

I hope I can too. It’s very sad but I hope so cause life with her is pure agony

Oh hun, that's horrible!!!

Hope you learn that you are the important off all ..I was the same..every body matters but I take care off all .now I take care off me..that feels better

It's definitely hard to grey rock when you are stuck with the narcissist for a long time or live with them, though. I tried to go grey rock with my narcissistic sister some years ago, when I was still living with her. Anytime I tried it, it would send her into such a rage that she would threaten physical violence to my body or my personal belongings, all the while shouting. I think grey rock only works when you don't have to live with your abuser - and so I really hope everyone here is able to get away, too. It's impossible to live in such an environment. (P.S. I also have ADD! I can imagine that makes it even harder to endure...I'm so sorry for what you experienced... :( )

@@alexandrialeonora6542 Totally, there are definitely exceptions like the one you're mentioning, like being confined with the abuser (and I think you're completely right, a really important part of the solution is getting away from/ending the relationship with the abuser). I'm sorry you went through what you did as well! I don't know if this would be helpful to anyone else, but the thing that consoled me afterwards (I was bothered for a while) was realizing that I was feeling so upset because I at least understood what violating another person meant, and I could take solace in knowing that I would never make another person feel how I was feeling. I'm working on it in therapy now too, but that realization helped me at least get through those first hard days. Just throwing that out there in case it happens to bring comfort to whoever may end up reading this :)

Yes please

Omg that would be so helpful! Yet I do think he would make a general video about it if he sees this or has it planned, and just say that we would go to a professional to get deeper into it

For me, just my experience, it was more like being fed up and being done emotionally. Like a car out of gas. And it feels great ending conversations unbothered. Rooting for you all 🙏

Sometimes I feel I just don't have that voice inside myself. What are the steps towards that goal? Awareness of dysfunction and how it affected us till today. Healthy modeling and picking out unhealthy behavior would be great :-)

You do not have to have the confidence to do gray rock. You have to overcome your own conditioned submission, let the narcissist be a narcissist, and not let the narcissist hook you by manipulating your emotions. Do it one time and you will find yourself growing in confidence.

Nice! Grey rock combined with "broken record" (just repeating a statement). Love how they act like nothing's happened, it's a classic.

@Ciara I'm _clueless_ about being *'supply"* in terms of being reactive ... was always the scapegoat or in trouble from an early age .... am wondering what that means. Feels like a stupid question! Am guessing being supply means giving attention ... compassion ... encouragement. If you feel like adding anything, that'd be fine. If not, it's grand. By way, I've found the comments on this KZfaq role play incredibly helpful in highlighting the universality of a set of experiences that felt unique & very specific & hope-draining. It's been empowering to read so many of them.

That’s so inspiring. Thank you for sharing 💛

I wondered if I was the only viewer laughing at these videos. I feel like I’m watching a character from Arrested Development or It’s Always Sunny. This guy is a good comedic actor.

I literally laughed out loud with some of the mother's comments. She is unreal.

Had me laughing too lol

I laughed hard at the “AARRRGH” every single time!

There are no such thing as bad kids - and plus if you worried about how you acted as a child, it means you were caring! :)

Yup! My mother has disowned me (and a sister) several times now! I think this most recent one may be the last time, because I've finally decided to protect myself and go no contact. Frankly, I think she's stunned - probably still doesn't believe it.

I really Connect with you on this reality. Me too! I’m sorry you didn’t have the support you needed.

😂😂like *click* we are DONE HERE😂

Your first responsibility it to you-your health and mental health-because they will walk away from you if you need help-you do not need to sacrifice yourself for the sickness/behaviours of others!

😆