This is so important because Americans praise when no praise is due, so children come to expect something for nothing, so to speak. A European once said that Americans do not rear their children, they incite them. LOL. My parents would say "thank you" when we did something they asked of us that we were supposed to do, but they would not tell us how startlingly wonderful we were unless we did something startlingly wonderful. They were trying to train us to do the right thing, whether seen or praised or rewarded or not. I never understood why when a baby is clapping the attending parent cannot just clap back and say, "We're clapping." There is no need to tell them they are good or talented in some unusual way to be clapping. But, it is good for them to learn the word and for it to be reciprocated or acknowledged in some way. It is coercion through praise. It teaches them quick gratification, too, instead of what the deeper rewards can be of doing the right thing or doing what was asked or doing something new. It is better to notice and have the child notice that they tried really hard, which is a value. And what if the child is not so smart? How fair is it in a tough world to be saying that to them, when untrue? They need love learning and learn how to learn. We don't want them crushed by adult life because the rest of the world doesn't see what we do in them. The examples were helpful.

I’ve been trying to say things like “ I see how hard you worked with that” and already I can see my son reacting by trying harder. I’m amazed already.

I started crying after watching 15 mins of this because thats the feeling i want my child to have. I grew up with a lot of praise and i have a hard time with reassuring myself now

What confuses me here is the conflation of “praise” with “constant, relentless, undeserved praise”. Children who never receive parental approval can spend their entire lives trying to earn a word of praise from their primary caregivers. Although I agree parents can err too far on the side of praise for its own sake, too little affirmation can have an equally adverse effect. ... ok, having watched the latter 1/2 of the video, I’ve realised why I have such a strong dislike of people who comment before watching the entire video 🤦🏻‍♀️ AMAZING content 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I see the positive effects of this in my own upbringing. My parents never really offered any praise when I was growing up. When family friends would praise me, my mom would play it down. I think part of it is cultural and praising one's own children isn't common in Chinese culture. My parents were supportive though, never missed any events I wanted them to attend. They also tried to always allow me to explore my interests even if it was hard on them financially. Without them praising me, I was able to find my own reasons to pursue my interests. It has helped me be motivated and know myself better.

Yes this is very real! This has repercussions in adulthood! In high school I did very well because my parents praise was nearby and immeadiate, later when I went to college and I was on my own, I had a very hard time motivating myself to do well at school.

I think I'll try to do this with my girlfriend's little half-brother - he's about 7, and the next youngest kid is already 13. Since he doesn't really have anyone to play with regularly, he spends most of his time glued to his tablet watching youtube...and when he does do something, it's met with a passive "good job", and that's all. Today's his grandma's birthday, so I asked him if he'd like to help me bake her a cake - he's excited about it! I'm going to try my hardest to implement some of these tips during and after the process!

I've noticed this with my step son who is 4. He constantly demands attention for praise. He will go on and insist we watch then when we finally do he will do a simple jump and say "wasn't that the best jump ever?" Then when it comes to engaging with other kids and not actually being the highest jumper or fastest runner he cries and breaks down when he loses and accuses everyone else of cheating and really believes he is the fastest and they got an unfair advantage. I've been really trying to break that habit and stop over praising but it can come across as me being cold when really I think he needs to be set up for the real world.

I always start these videos like "I dunno..this sounds like a crazy idea and mean to kids" ... Then I listen to the explanation and I think "yup, that totally makes sense!".

whenever it's backed up by research, i'm all ears.. thank you!

I have definitely grown up praise-addicted. I'm 25. In school, I got SO much praise, and I did at home too. I was a people pleaser, and did everything I could to be helpful, to be good, and a little pat on the head was my favorite thing. Well, as I have become an adult, working had been extremely difficult, because no one is going to pat you on the head for doing a good job. Motivation has been the hardest part of being an adult for me, and I realize now that all of the praise I got was what was motivating me my whole life. Even now, I still seek out activities where I will get recognized and complimented on a regular basis. Anyway, I figured I would say this as a warning to parents in these comments... please don't do to your kids what my parents and school did to me. If I become a parent one day, I will most certainly follow your advice. For now, I need to learn how to be a functioning adult haha

This is so hard for me. I am a perfect example of why too much praise is detrimental. I received a lot of praise growing up from family, teachers, etc, to the point where I went out of my way to get praise and felt like a failure if there was no praise. So I get why this is important and I want to break the cycle with my daughter. But even at 3 months old, I am constantly saying "Good job!" and "What a good girl" for every natural thing. I am having a hard time not doing it! It just comes right out! I love her and I'm so happy for everything she does and I struggle not turning that into praise.

I totally feel that my parents and family over praised me as a child and adolescent and it didn't prepare me for real life. I thought I was "better" than I really were and it was really hard to "ground myself" and to re-learn who I was/am from my own perspective (from a realistic one). I didn't know this was a research topic but I can assure you that this is real. It might help for 1 minute or two, but it the long run it is absolutely unbenefitial and challenging.

wow this video is so relevant for me today. It seems like I just can't help to say "awesome" or whatever when I notice my daughter(3 year old) doing something properly that I haven't seen her do before. Just today she was playing with a little "trumpet" toy and she was blowing exactly on beat with a song so I was genuinely happy/impressed so I said " wow your exactly on beat! " but then She totally stopped and it's not the first time she stops what she is doing after I say something.She almost look embarrassed then stops. I need to work on holding back, I think it's also because I come from a more negative background, so I have a tendency to want for her to know that "she can accomplish anything" and that I love her and I am proud of her no matter what. Very interesting topic and makes me self-reflect a lot

Love this. I’m always trying to explain to people why we don’t praise and they never get it! I grew up with the usual ‘good girl’ praise and I know now As an adult I still seek praise! Crazy isn’t it!

First time I heard for this was at my pedagogy class and that's when I realized that it is probably what happened to me. My parents very often were saying how smart I am and that caused me to be scared of trying anything new. And now that makes so much sense. I'm really determined not to overuse praise with my own children, but I don't even have children yet and I already find it very challenging and I'm afraid that I will struggle with this a lot, because I feel an urge to praise, to reward good behavior. Your tips are very helpful and I'll try my best to use them as much as possible. Thank you!

This makes absolute sense. Thanks a lot for your help. You have no idea how much difference you are making to thousands of children around the globe!! Happa parenting!!

I found your channel last week after searching for baby led weaning videos and instantly fell in love with your content, especially after finding you follow Montessori. I have a 13 year old son and a 10 week old son and though I did not do Montessori with my eldest, I intend to with my baby and hopefully am able to be a better parent to them both. Your channel has inspired me to do that and I can’t thank you enough !! Have a great day, Hapa family !!!

This makes so much sense!! Now I gotta turn my praise ship around. I’ve noticed I’ve been giving a lot of praise to my 14 month old twins. Especially around meal times or when they share something with one another. Thanks!

I have noticed this! The amount of times my kiddo has stopped doing something she was praised for is ridiculous 😂. I'll be more watchful, but I'm fairly certain I've switched to this subconsciously 😂

this is such an insightful video ! my main confusion with montessori has always been what to replace praise with and this makes so much sense. I was praised often as a child and told I was smart when I did well in school and it led to huge self esteem issues further along the line when I found myself struggling academically. I had such a fear of failure that I still deal with now as an adult and it's prevented me from trying things I might fail at. I hope I can avoid that cycle when I have kids in the future !

This video is exactly what I was looking for. As a former primary school teacher, and now manager of a large team of young adults, the negative repercussions of constant praise during childhood is so obvious to me. I literally have a team of 200 young people who feel unappreciated because they aren't praised for doing their job. I'm not a words of affirmation person but it's easy to fall into the trap of praising a child when it's all around you. Thank you for the tips and alternatives that we can start using with our daughter.

I have a background in education and I’ve tried so hard to limit how much praise i give out to my little girl and it’s soooo difficult. More than i realized it would be. Thank you for these great points and examples.

As someone who grew up in India, I was not used to praise at all but the efforts were acknowledged. Sometimes if my parents did praise, I felt embarrassed almost .. like of course I did it. duh. (Not in a bashful way) but I was proud of my own self and I knew it and didn’t feel the need to be praised. It came from internally but didn’t need it externally. Then I came to the US, I worked at a daycare and got into the culture of praising. Now, I know better and thankful that my parents who didn’t know anything about Montessori, still did a great job raising me! I’m definitely learning a lot and would apply this for my future kids! Thank you!!

I’m not even a parent but I loved this video! It’s always felt inauthentic to me to tell children “wow that’s so cool! I love it!” I really prefer the alternatives you offered here today😊

I wish I could hit 5 like buttons. I found myself so much in the praised child. This is how I was raised and I'm such a people pleaser! Thank you so much for this lesson! I am pregnant and trying to educate myself to do better the I was taught. Great Video!

I'm due in September, and I'm trying to find the best method of parenting. This makes a lot of sense! Thank you

Hi, I’m an Italian 20 years old girl who’s living with depression. One of the worst feeling I get is feeling like I’m not living up to the image my parents and my whole family had of me. As I child I was always praised for my intelligence and sensitivity, for my love for animals and for my good grades. Everyone was always telling me that my future would be bright and that I would do amazing things and get a great job. Fast forward to my graduation from high school I had no idea what to do next and I just kept getting more and more depressed. It’s been two years now and I’m still neither studying nor working and I cry thinking about the person I’ve become. Were is the child who was gonna have a great future? I feel so much pressure on my shoulder and I hate all the people who thought of me as some kind of genius, I bet they’re all telling each other what I disappointment I turned out to be.

This video just popped up in my recommendation at the right time.. I have never thought about this, in fact I was doing some of these mistakes and now this makes so much sense. I have noticed that my nephew who is 18th months old, looks for praise or our attention now and then and if we don't react or applaud then he gets irritated. I guess kids these days have more intelligence quotient and they seek accomplishment by our appreciations like some sort of validation. I never saw it in my other nephews or nieces when they were at this age 10yrs back. But now they are all grow up kids and slowly their attitude towards things has also changed because their parents brag or appreciate them every now and then. They don't look for feedback or take pride in doing anything good, they just put in their best form in front of parents. Even learnt to lie and try deceiving their parents at the age of 8. In fact my neighbour constantly praise her daughter and now she is so stubborn that she wants her mom in everything so that she can appreciate her!! Now i know why my parents never bragged about me although other parents wud come and say that they got such a brilliant gal etc etc. They just always smile and tell me that i need to keep working hard and be smart. I guess I turned out pretty well😄. I don't know why i am writing all this stuffs😅. Anyways thanks for sharing these wonderful content. I will now be more careful in choosing words with my nephew and will pass on this information in the family. Wish u and ur family lots of luck and love, Shilpa from India!! ☺

I’m going to switch the way I praise my infants at my place of work. Thank you for the video! 💕

i agree with this, i was 14, and i was called by a lot of my teachers a well rounded artist. my mother is not artistic, but when i showed her my painting she looked at it and just said, "thats nice" it made me feel horrible. but really; i wanted her to say, look at those colors, the hours you put in, and the detail. so its true even as a teen, your kids will desire more of a conversation not just"yay good job" and for you to walk away.

❤️One of my favorite videos in your Montessori series. I love having specific phrases to practice using. BTW, I am such a sap and teared up when you gave the example of Kylie saying, "Yeah! I worked really hard on it." ☺️

I need to start doing this with my 20 month old. I noticed she seeks out praise even when she does simple tasks. Growing up, we were constantly praised and it truly does have its affect on me, to this day I crave praise and have an abnormal fear of failure.

Thank you for the tips! I find it hard sometimes, because I am proud of every little thing my child does and I never know what to say. I don't want to be over the top, but I also don't want him to think I am not super proud of him.

Just a couple of days ago, our neighbour's nanny kept saying "Good Job" to my toddler. I knew it's not ok and why, we never tell it to our son, so I had to ask her to stop, even tough the situation was awkward. I did give her an explanation.

I just wanted to let you know this is the video that originally got my husband and me into Montessori. I was initially slightly put off by the title so I decided to watch it with an open mind. I was astounded at how much this resonated with me. I was definitely raised as a praise junkie, while my husband was not. We started talking more about it, and we've been raising our now 14 month old with full Montessori philosophy since she was 8 months old. We can really see the benefit of following the child in every way, and I've been passionately educating anyone who will listen about it, haha. We already naturally parented in a way that semi-closely aligned with Montessori, but now we have a lot of great guidance for continuing on this path. I just wanted to say thank you, Ashley and Mike (and Kylie and Mia) for all of the incredible information you've shared with everyone and for educating the world on a Montessori life with little ones! I'm praying for you guys to stay safe during these uncertain times and thanking God that He led me to your channel.

You're so right about them being proud of their own accomplishments. My 10 month old always gets so excited over her achievements like pulling herself up to stand, crawling, etc and she loves showing people what she can do!

Having seen your video, I am now convinced that there is no need to encourage you to make more videos like this, nor will it be necessary to celebrate the making of this wholesome contribution from 3 years ago. Indeed, I believe you are already very proud of yourself for having done so; there is no need to hear anything from me because you already "got this," and you're very likely totally content already, reveling in your own accomplishment. If, after your amazing feat, you happen to read this comment and see my smiley ---> :-)

Thank you so much. I have a 6yr old and a 5 month old. Stumbled on your videos for Montessori toys and play and have realized I’ve been making huge mistakes with my older boy. He is definitely praise addicted. I hope I can change this in our life.

I'm currently a second year engineering student with no plans of having children any time soon, but this video has given me some insight on my own upbringing. I've realized that being raised with constant praise for nearly everything I completed until I left for college has left me lacking motivation at times. Seeking approval and praise from my peers and S/O leaves me feeling disappointed in myself and confused. This past year I've been reflecting on how my upbringing has made me who I am. This video may have been made to help expecting or new parents make good choices on raising their children, but it has also helped me in my journey of self discovery and betterment. Thank you for the wonderful content as always!

This video is amazing! To the viewers I also recommend the book "How to talk so little kids will listen"👍🏽

Excess praise as a child made me scared to try new things I wasn’t good at for fear of not being praised. Then my parents decided to go the other way and never praise me at all. This was very damaging, especially the switch.

YEs! I've been doing this with my little one. I've noticed my sister's kids look for praise all the time. For everything! And I tried to make a point of not giving them praise all the time, like ALL THE TIME, but it didn't stick😅

I just wanted to say thank you for these videos. Not only are they extremely helpful with learning about the Montessori lifestyle, I also get to improve my English. My daughter is 14 months old, I am a pretty young mother and sometimes feel overwhelmed by all that is to learn about raising and educating a child. I just wanna do the right thing and, luckily, with Montessori I have found a way to raise my daughter that completely alignes with my personal instincts. At the beginning I felt insecure when I saw all of these wonderful wooden toys and the tiny furniture and I thought I could never afford this in my small flat and that my child would miss out on these things. That might sound stupid, but I was scared that I could "ruin" her somehow if I did something wrong. I was too hard on myself. Now I am just doing my best to raise her with respect and love, encourage her to grow and learn and try to manage with diy 😄

Tip number 4 has such a valuable point - it extends to teaching empathy and looking to how our actions influence others. It no longer needs that justification from an authority (which is what people are usually looking for) and keeps us on our toes (unconsciously) about how we approach things. I'm so happy she pointed this out, I knew of it but never put it in words but dang am I so happy she did.

Hi Ashley, My son, Lucas, is 14.5mo old (similar to Mia) and I found your channel after following your pregnancy updates which I greatly appreciated. I enjoy all of your content but want to respond to this video with the perspective of a therapist -- I have 2 Masters degrees (Psychology/Theology) and I have completed the academic and research portions of a PhD in Clinical Psychology. I think the ideas to "describe what you see" and "ask [open-ended] questions" to a child are wonderful. Engaging in dialogue is more energy-intensive and time-consuming, yes, but I don't believe research supports that statements about effort (e.g., "Great effort, hunny!") are globally unhelpful. To me, there is no harm in giving growth mindset (Dweck-like) **praise**-- I think it is needed, not as "manipulation" but as positive reinforcement. However, I agree that it is even better to pair it with a follow-up question or observation similar to examples you gave. The way in which you give your daughters warm and intentional 1-on-1 attention and adhere very closely to Montessori philosophy in your home is truly admirable, but I think it is unique. You are intentional and consistent about implementing it as a primary caretaker of your daughters. I would agree that parents should learn the danger of saying things like "You're so smart" or "What a pretty girl," but I think a deprivation of growth mindset praise is not the answer either. The wording of praise matters but a lack of praise *MAY* lead to psychological problems. For example, children getting praised at public school or at a team sport or by grandma may wonder why Mommy/Daddy never or rarely gives them the affirmation they crave. I will personally be telling my son, e.g., "Wow! What a high tower. This one is taller than XXX" ... "I am proud of you. You showed so much concentration! Good job, buddy! Let's see if we can build an even taller one." I don't see how harm is being done. I would also give encouragement if his tower collapsed to "Try, try again!" etc.

I was literally just thinking about this subject and was wanting to research some more information in it. Love it! Thankyou!

Yes! Children are people too. They respect being talked to like they have sense. They know when your sincere even at a young age. I like to smile, ask a question, or make a comment that reinforces learning and be specific. Thanks for the reinforcement.

Ím 23 and don’t even have kids but I learn so much about what kind of mom I wanna be in the future by watching your videos!☺️

This is so true, such a good video! Whereas I've been concious for a while that they get addicted to praise and will grow up expecting praise, she expects it from school. She just stares at me and expects me to say it. She directly looks at me and asks: are you proud of me? I will have to focus a lot more to avoid the normal praise and just use your tips instead. Thank you!!!

This is interesting. I do not like receiving the "you are so smart"- kind praise. It makes me stop doing what I am doing and it makes me very annoyed. I never thought of why. I am also not confident and I do not like trying new things for being afraid to fail. So... I believe what you are saying is true.

Thank you! I finally needed evidence to back up this mentality! My first job was at a child center at the college campus. They never told us to praise the kids outright but to comment on how they achieved something- “you worked so hard on building those blocks! That was amazing!” My FIL overpraises his grand daughter just because: “you’re the best! Yay! Good job! You’re so smart!” And she just sits there. It makes sense why his daughter is so entitled and wanting praise from other all the time and it totally makes sense why she’s like that. Turns on his favorite was his daughter and his sons were not. That’s why they’re not as entitled as she is. That baby will be just like her mama

For me praising feels natural. I became so overwhelmed with trying to parent perfectly that I had to let go. If praising feels normal for me and doesn’t affect my mental health with ALL of the things I need to think about as a mother then I’m doing it. It’s so overwhelming trying to ethical be with clothing, feed them balanced meals, naps, enough play and connection, THEN to overthink every little thing I say? No thank you ❤️ I do like a lot of Montessori though and because of it my toddler is fairly independent.

I grew up in Taiwan so praise is so NOT normal to see when I grew up. So I was having a hard time seeing children be praised by their parents by just saying they are great, or they are doing good jobs! I am not saying Praise is good but it's really making lots of children to be too used to hearing it and expecting it as you said. But after being a parent, I just realized how hard not to praise my own child because it's so easy to just praise a child instead of paying the details to say something nice to encourage my child to improve. Thank you so much for bringing it up to remind us to pay detail attention on our children's behavior

Remarkable and true! I tried explaining this to my family awhile back (I’m the only one that is interested in Montessori) and they all just thought I was mean & never took me serious..

I am so glad I discovered your channel before even getting pregnant. I get to enjoy the content with more than enough time to learn how to apply these methods. I was never fond of children nor did I ever babysit. I never knew how to interact with anyone younger than me basically. Watching your videos is a pure delight because they absolutely make sense. They don't just teach about Montessori, but about child psychology and so much more! Thank you so much and I can't wait for your next video!

Wow thank you so much for this! I was just discussing this yesterday with my boyfriend and was looking for ressources to explain my point! Your videos are always straight to the point and so practical!

As an educator, I have been aware of the pitfalls of praising for a while and think its a great mindset to have. I now have a baby of my own and I want to follow this methodology in raising him....but oh man is it easier said than done! Even as a 3 month old, I find myself saying "good job" for little things he does. I think we are so conditioned to responding that way. I really appreciate the tips you gave and will definitely be working to incorporate them into my "conversations" with my baby :D

I accidentally bumped into this video today. Thank you so much for sharing. Watching all the way from Kenya.

So true!! It’s so inherent from society and our upbringing to make praises that it takes conscious effort to make these changes, and you nailed it Ashley... time and effort makes it worth it

Hello Ashley I'm from Mexico and I love your videos and this one make me notice how difficult is not to praise your child and the way this is so normal in our life, it's difficult to share this thought with the grandparents of our baby but it's amazing the way our kid can react to her goals.

Wish there was a “love” button! I was very interested in this topic after watching your Positive Discipline video and wanted to learn more! ❤️

I took an education psychology course in 3rd year of my undergrad and almost the whole course centred around this whole idea. The idea of intrinsic/extrinsic motivation and what the current research is showing which is exactly what you said! I have a 1 year old and am having SUCH a hard time not praising her!! It’s sooo hard but I know I have to try harder.

On this same topic, I’d love to hear your take on children apologizing and how best to handle it. I encourage/insist that my 2.5 year old to apologize to her baby sister (and anyone else) when she pushes her or accidentally throws something that hits her etc. Generally, she’ll apologize and I say good job, although I don’t feel that is the best response from me. Also, sometimes she gets emotional when she needs to apologize, I never make her feel shameful about it, I try to always make it a comfortable experience. I’d love your take on this topic! Thanks!

Love this video! So simple and clearly explained! Last year I’ve read a book of Jesper juul where I heard about this concept. And since I do believe that your attention is the most powerful thing with upbringing child, so I try my best to use presence and encourage words to my child. My MIL does the praising method and I can see how it affects my daughter and husband. She does it because this is her love language- she always says to my daughter “you’re so smart!”, “you’re genius!” or “you’re the most beautiful girl in the world!”. She did the same to her son and now he’s afraid of making mistakes or trying new things because he’s afraid he fails and it’ll show that he is not as excellent as everyone thought. It’s very important topic and I talk a lot about it with my husband, because we want to show to our daughter that trying new things is great even if we don’t master them yet or never. Your advices were just super useful! Thank you!

I have been a children's trauma therapist for over 10 years and was trained on praise. It was difficult to make the shift at first but this makes so much sense! I am so happy you explained it in a way I could understand. How was that?😂

Thank you for explaining this in a way I can understand. I've struggled to understand this concept for a while but now I get it. I've noticed the anxiety I've experienced could be due to verbal praise given as a child and made me worry I wouldn't be able to do something.

my son is three and we give him praise all the time! Everything you said makes sense. Gonna talk this over w the hubby.

My family used praise with me and it did not bode well for me in the long run. I will make sure with my children I will follow your approach. Thank you.

Thank you for this video! Although I am not a parent, I did teach 8th graders for a bit and I can this working for kids of all ages. I think it’s really important to help build in children a sense of self motivation. Thank you again for this video!! ❤️

This is so helpful. I’m going to put all these tips on my refrigerator so my husband and I and retrain ourselves! Son is just 5months old and it is SO hard not to say the generic praises and I want to change this. Thank you for the video!

The more I hear your tips, the more it sounds like I am a born montessori . I dont have children of my own yet, but its my dream to have a baby girl. And I feel like using this method with her, primarily. As well as other things i have discovered during my journey of self growth.

Thank you for sharing this video because praise could really have it's advantage and disadvantage.We as parents really have to be mindful of what we are saying to our children.👍

thanks to you... dear Ashley... u r a great mom(praise !!🙄) this was exactly the thing i was in search for few days.... i have been doing this ☹️to my now six yr old ..... hope its not too late to mend them out.... v r learning a lot from you❤️

Thank you for sharing this! From my own childhood, I have found that easy praise led to undeserved feelings of grandeur. But even worse, it became empty praise because the actions of one parent were often opposite to the praise given. I might hear "I love you so much" or "I'm so proud of you," but overall I didn't feel either of those things were true based on that parent's overall actions or attitude toward me. I was constantly second-guessing the validity of those praises and was very much a praise junky. My other parent didn't praise as often, but I always felt safe and loved by them because of their positive interactions and receptive attitude. So I loved your tip of just sharing in a smile or happy moment without having to say anything, or being invested in a child's accomplishments by asking about what they did or what they liked best. What's the point of being told "good job" if the parent has no intention of listening or sharing in the excitement? This really helped solidify some feelings I already had toward my own parenting journey soon to begin but that I couldn't put into words.

Wonderful! An opportunity to experience the joy and connection of sharing success, having someone be curious about the details of your work, having your effort seen, and support to observe your effects on others (as well as just being happy to get on with it or share a smile).... these aren't just building blocks for intrinsic motivation but will also form the foundation of your child's friendships/partnerships as they become an adult

it is so hard to decide what is right when it comes to this parenting thing. I can totally see your point but im still indecisive on how to raise my baby girl. I grew up never receiving any praise from my family. it feels like I've been searching approval my whole life. It wasn't until i was thirty that my mother wrote on a card she was proud of me and I think it made me angry more than anything. like seriously it took you thirty years to tell me your proud of me? I could not believe it. I def never want my daughter to feel the way i have felt my whole life.

Praise focuses on the Doer (child) and encouragement focuses on the Deed (the effort) and there's a huge difference between them. Dr. Rudolph Dreikurs talked about the same topic in his book "children the challenge" and there is also research about the effect of praise on intrinsic motivation (Dr Dweck) for people who want to go a step further.

I totally believe what you’re saying but it’s so hard to wrap my mind around lol I’m so used to giving praise but I totally see your point!

I never really think of the meanings behind the praise as our perception of giving praises is a form of encouragement, thanks for sharing this & it's inspiring. The moment I'm watching this my daughter came and showing her accomplishment of some mathematic exercise and look at me waiting for my praise, I smiled and say "you got the answers & keep going!"... not sure I have done it in the right way but certainly I may need some practices 😅

I’m not even a parent but this makes so much sense now! It always felt a little awkward watching my siblings or cousins get highly praised and the after effects of it. To have it be explained is so nice, thanks for sharing. I’ll definitely remember this when I have my own down the road lol

Thank you so much for this video! I’ve had to work extremely hard on myself to move past the need for praise because of the way I was raised and learn how to have a growth mindset. I’m due with my first in August and have been practicing these techniques on my husband and mom; it’s amazing how well it works to help them be proud of themselves! It makes my heart so happy! I shared this on my Facebook because I wish for as many people as possible to learn about it!

Oh boy, looks like I’m going to have to learn a whole new language here! I thought I’d been doing a good thing, but now i can see clearly that I am the stereotypical “over-praiser”! I was very resistant to this perception shift until I finished the whole video. It’s so logical and still a very loving way to communicate. I will start practicing my new language today! Thank you for teaching an old dog new tricks.

The best thing I get from these videos on praise is that I need to shut up more 😂. Say nothing. Nothing is much better than something potentially damaging.

“good listening” when my son follows through instructions is usually what I say. and “can you help” because I know he’s inclined to leadership and taking charge. I tell my son he’s smart because he is and not compared to others. all people are intelligent. My family use to call me dumb all the time and i ended u up with very low esteem and depression and anxiety with learning that debilitated me for the rest of my life. because of those words any achievement for me at times seems like too much.

I need to take your e-course once I graduate school! I’m not a parent, but I baby sit. Your videos have helped me out tremendously, so I can only imagine the help your e-course will provide!!!

It is so hard to not praise my 14 month old, because I am SO proud of everything he does. But I DO want him to be internally motivated. I’m going to try the news commenter route. He often looks up at me for a reaction or a smile. How do you handle family members offering so much praise? My parents and in laws are ones to reward with food, “be a good boy and you’ll get a piece of chocolate” which I have no trouble establishing why we do NOT do that and why it’s terrible motivation. This is so much harder to explain though, and I know nobody is going to respect it.

:44 this is me, right now. Thank you so much for not only sharing techniques, but providing the research and philosophy behind those techniques.

I think it’s important for kids to feel validated and know that they are loved and this is done so by praise an affection, because at the end of the high self esteem is what will help them conquer confidence in gaining new skills in life.

This makes so much sense! I was raised the opposite way and found it more confusing than helpful. It’s true though that requires more emotional engagement, as these work if they are sincere, so it forces you to be present. I love the tips, thanks!

I'm so glad you did this video! I need to really work on this. Thanks Ashley!

I have been watching a lot of your videos. I have a toddler and an infant too. This is the best video so far 💕

It is still praise, even if it's non-verbal (smiling) and even if you are focusing on how your child made another child feel. You are still encouraging them to continue the positive behaviour, just in a different way than saying "wow, good job" - it's a smile or another form of compliment. Doesn't that still work to the same effect ie. having them seek approval from you for their effort and actions? This is a genuine question.

Where were you 12 years ago when I had my first one. You got yourself a new subscriber, best youtube channel ever

Have to say, was abit sceptical at first, but I do really like the way that instead of just plain, non engaged (or over the top, disingenuous) praise, is more engaging, and still facilitates the child feeling proud, but in a different way. Defs something to try and incorporate ✔️

Thank you for taking the time to make this! It's great to see examples of how to reframe praise so the child can learn self-worth and empathy!

I’ve seen you talk about this topic in other videos but I’m so glad this one is fully dedicated to it! This is one of the best videos I’ve seen on your channel. A few months ago I had mentioned learning this (from you) on a management meeting at work and everyone that has kids wanted to learn more about it, now I’m going to share this video with them 🥰 Thank you for everything Ashley!

My son is 2 months and I'm trying to get in this habit. I find myself telling him that he's so strong during tummy time when he lifts his head. Then I catch myself and follow up with "you're working so hard".

I’m watching this not as a parent but as a teacher in training. This makes total sense and I related to your comment that in public school training we are often encouraged to praise good behavior. I have gone the route of being very specific with praise, rather than just saying good job. What do you think is the best route for when there are older children involved? Is this still the case? I guess I am trying to imagine classroom management without the use of simple praise. Any ideas very welcomed! 🙂

Omg! I’m a praise junkie lol. This is definitely going to be hard bcuz my 2 yr old son looks for praise. He accomplishes something and looks to us and starts clapping and saying yay! With a huge smile too!