Missing a person who never was is a weird kind of pain

I left a marriage with nothing financially. But it was worth saving myself at 50 years old. The emotional pain of staying with him was worse than being homeless, unemployed and alone. It was years of learning to work through the grief. It has been fifteen years and I now have peace, contentment and happy. Being a survivor is not easy but attainable. Do not give up. You are worth it.

Healing is an ongoing process. It’s like going to the gym. Don’t rush to the goal of being “fully healed”. Instead, enjoy the journey of healing. Let it become a way of life.

It’s so frustrating how others view me as being not forgiving or not empathic because I don’t want to be around the repeatedly abusive unapologetic abusers in the family. It’s so messed up:(

My trick dealing with a narc is always keep my facts straight. I don't lie to them, I don't lie to myself. I don't have hidden agenda, I don't play tricks on them, so when there is a confrontation, they cannot alter my reality. I know what are the facts and what are not, and their little guilt trips and gas-lighting tricks don't work.

The concept that helped me the most is: let their behavior toward you be your closure - when I started looking at that it proved to be all the closure I needed

if you can walk away, This will stop the struggling and will begin the healing.

I'd just like to add that another difficult thing about leaving a toxic relationship like this is that there are always things about the person and the relationship that you loved that really hurt to leave behind. There are all the things that make a normal relationship painful to end, like the connection, the identity of being paired up/married, the things that you won't be able to get anywhere else. You have to leave because it will never get better and it will continue to destroy you, but it's not just the logistical factors or how others view you that makes leaving so painful. It's the love and the connection, that was never mutual but from your side were real and true.

So true! No closure and no justice. That's the answer. There is none. Thank you, Dr. Ramani. Appreciate your work more than words can ever say!

الأكثر رعباً من العمى، هو أن تكون الوحيد الذي يرى. - جوزيه ساراماغو

My brother was slowly killed by his narcissist partner. She sucked the life out of him and emotionally abused him until he dropped dead. He didn't commit suicide. He collapsed from exhaustion, lack of sleep, and weight loss. We have tried to convince him to get away from the relationship. He was only worried about he shouldn't look "sick or weak" in front of her. He didn't want her to see that side of him. He was not allowed to be tired or sick. She made him feel that he was not enough, no matter what he did. It was always you need to do more. He went from extrovert and happy to the complete opposite. He still thought highly of her and didn't let go. Never would have imagined that she'd end his life. He was 30. Nothing can bring him back now, and of course she gets away with it. There are no laws to protect against this. She has no remorse. She doesn't understand the pain she caused to him and his family. If you are reading this comment, walk away while you're still alive. I couldn't save my brother but maybe my story can warn and save someone here.

I'm still struggling with grief and loss in my daily life. I had to give up my old life to escape my narc mother, and lost everything in order to do that. I have no 'old' friends, or family in my life today, which is tough. Yes, I'm free from continued abuse, but that is only part of the healing process. Ultimately, I made huge sacrifices to take back my life. I have no regrets but the isolation is fierce. As for justice, and closure, I am letting go of that need, as to want it (from others) is too painful. My therapist and I provide it instead. Good luck, everyone, and thanks again, Dr Ramani

I was married to a covert narcissist for 37 years and went through every emotion that you talked about worrying about who I was going to hurt and that’s the reason why I stayed for 37 years but when my kids finally grew up and moved out of the house, I decided enough is enough. I’m not going through this anymore and I left that was six years ago, some people did get mad at me. I believe my kids got mad at me because I feel that our relationship is different now. Sadly I believe my two daughters are narcissistic also and I went through the exact same thing with them as I did my ex-husband for years after I left I allowed them to treat me like their father did until recently. I put up some boundaries with them and no longer allow them to treat me the way they do That has changed our relationship. My one daughter has cut contact from me and my other daughter hardly ever talks to me anymore. It breaks my heart but I’ve got to keep thinking I know I’m doing the right thing for myself and keep those boundaries up to protect myself and know that I’m doing nothing wrong. I think my daughters got mad at me because I won’t allow them to treat me the way they did anymore and so that’s the reason why they’re not really talking to me anymore.

The lack of closure and justice is so upsetting. Stepping away and prioritizing my well being, finding safe supports who lift me up. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

Narcissistic Abuse Can Have Long Term Effects On A Person’s Mental Health Self Esteem Sense Of Self Victims May Also Have Difficulty Regulating Their Emotions Other Effects Are Cognitive Problems Such As Memory Loss. I Have Experienced This All From Narcissistic Abuse.I Am Finally Disconnecting From This Person!!

My closure and justice are gained through the knowledge that they get to live with their miserable selves in on-going self inflicted negativity. Forever I get to live happy joyous and free and filled with gratitude for my life away from all that stress and drama and issues.

Living with a narcissist was rarely, "Home Sweet Home" it's more like the "Hurt Locker"

لا تقع ضحية المثالية المفرطة وتعتقد بأن قول الحقيقة سوف يقرّبك من الناس، الناس تحبّ وتكافئ من يستطيع تخديرها بالأوهام، منذ القدم والبشر لا تعاقب إلاّ من يقول الحقيقة، إذا أردت البقاء مع الناس شاركها أوهامها، الحقيقة يقولها من يرغبون في الرحيل!

JUSTICE means that something was made right. CLOSURE is just getting the information or acknowledgement you need to move forward.

These videos helped me see someone as a person with vulnerable narcissistic traits. Radically accepting that i was never going to do anything right and they wouldn't remember or appreciate what I was able to give them happened a month ago. It was so hard because I thought she loved me and I was being "too hard on her" when she was actively invalidating my feelings to my face and telling me what I "really" feel I broke down and cried but left without giving in to the guilt of preforming for her. She has been contacting me waaaay less and it feels like she's punishing me with peace. It was a hard wake up call but I needed it. Thank you for all you do. It's helping people like me see the world. 🎉❤🎉

The real pain was that you thought it was real and when that fantasy was destroyed, you stayed in it for vows, kids, etc. You never meant anything to them and were simple supply. To be mistreated in every way is painful

I’m fully submerged into the grieving process. Thinking of what I should do to make sure I never get thrown into this pit and go through anything like this ever again is at the forefront of my mind constantly.

It’s so tough when it’s your kid. But I won’t be held hostage another minute.25 years is enough. Thanks Dr Ramani.🐾😎♥️🙏

I attended a memorial service for a long time friend yesterday. I was so stressed out wondering if my ex narc would show up that I couldn’t be present. My thoughts after being no contact and divorced for 7 years are “when will this end?” I just want him to be completely out of my life in every way so I can continue to heal. This video will help me to let it go and be with what is, count my blessings, and be in appreciation for the peace that I do have most of the time.

Ask them to do something for you. Something small. Something you would do for them with no hesitation. If they are narcissistic or otherwise toxic, it will ALWAYS go at least 1 of 4 ways (though sometimes these reactions may compound): They will act as though they didn’t hear you. Depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship, you may ask again. If it’s been long enough, you’re likely to drop the request right then and there. They will promise to do it, but never follow through. If you ask again or remind them, they will usually have some kind of excuse. In these cases, they will still never actually fulfill their promise. Their excuse is not a reason for lagging, it is the reason they should be absolved from all expectation whatsoever. Often this excuse will be meaningless or an outright lie.If you don’t buy their excuse, and tell them so, you will experience the wonderful segue into reaction. An argument will ensue The argument will be your fault. It could be a small back and forth contending against your request, or it might quickly devolve into them screaming at you. You never know which it will be. They might even say outright that you should never ask or expect anything from them. Usually they will express that you are asking too much, hurting them in some way (financially, emotionally, insulting them, etc), or attack your character. The argument will only end when you relinquish your request + apologize, or start ignoring them completely. If you can ignore them long enough, they may apologize to you. However, the conflict will never feel truly resolved. At this juncture they may actually end up giving you what you asked for. Often this does require you admitting that you don’t really need it, or that you would be fine with what they suggested instead. This leads us to reaction They give you what you asked for, BUT There is ALWAYS a catch. It might be small. They show up late with no apology. They buy you what you wanted, but it’s the wrong color, model, brand, etc. They take you where you wanted to go, but pressure you the whole time you’re getting ready because you’re going to be sooo late. Then they want to leave early anyway. It might be worse. They do it out of anger, and make a big display out of it to scare/hurt you. They hold it over your head until you do something for them first. Or, later on, they use it against you. “I did x for you, so you should do y for me.” No matter what, you never actually feel fulfilled, happy, or loved when they do something for you. Somehow, even from the getgo, there was this deep-seated feeling of guilt and fear, this sense that the “special” things they were doing for you weren’t so special at all. Eventually, you become afraid to ask for anything. You’ve been conditioned to believe you deserve nothing. Ironically, or not, the less demands you make, the worse you will be treated. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done digitalinvestigate@gmail.com

Doctor Ramani is definitely a blessing in this world of lies and illusions. Thanks God for this woman's existence.

0:21 There will always be pain 9:21 You may not get closure or justice 17:20 Grief is inevitable 27:03 Dating won't be easy

JUSTICE is not always a guarantee of CLOSURE and vice versa. Justice helps most folks move on.

I hope that everyone is doing well and healing from whatever you are going through.❤

I think radical acceptance IS closure

This is how I felt at a family dinner where I feel super uncomfortable and unsafe due to their behaviour. I don’t want to be around it, it’s caused me so much pain. Focusing on what’s best for me. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

Unfortunately people blame the victims of domestic violence. Many years later the abuser is still an abuser and the victim is now a survivor. It's easier to blame the victim than accept the reality of the situation. In my situation the courts also agreed with me. But reality can be twisted anyway abusive people want it to be. Unfortunately.

A perfect marriage or relationship is an illusion; there's no universal playbook for making them work. What's effective for one couple may not apply to another. Nevertheless, I've come to understand that there's always a solution to be found. Half a decade ago, my wife and I faced such trials in our marriage that divorce seemed inevitable. Yet, through perseverance and determination, we navigated through the rough waters and emerged stronger, reunited, and more resilient

The grief is unreal, I have to step away every now and then to have a quick cry... I keep realizing another tragic thing every time I'm alone with my thoughts...

Unfortunately I didn't know anything about this 30 years ago. I'm finally free and Single after 30 years of a physically and mentally abusive marriage. Being it was 30 years, I will definitely wait a year of not 3 to heal. It's been a long journey of grief, pain literally but getting better. The promises he made to Me when I married him he obviously backed out of. I never had the child of My lifetime dream. I should have left then, but there were reasons I didn't out of love for his daughter which I regret as We have no relationship now. I could go on but, My main point is I have listened to this video 4 X now and taken notes. This was extremely informative and helpful as to where I'm at in My healing process. Thank you Dr. Ramani for all you do to help Us all learn how to heal and become the best version of Our New Self ✨️ ❤️ 😊 I wish all the Suvivors out there the best and if you can leave before you've lost 30 years, RUN!!! They're not worth the pain it will cause you for years to come. ❤ 🙏 ✨️ You can Do this!!! Men and Women! You are all worth everything you deserve 💛

Really needed to hear this tonight. Makes sooo much sense.

1. Pain is inevitable. You just choosing right one for you. 2. There will likely be no closure or justice. Radically accept. 3. Grief is essential. No growth without grieving what was done or never happened in the first place. 4. Dating gonna be hard and messy. Get yourself time to heal. 4.

Thank you so much for all the help you do for humanity. Peace and blessings to everyone 🙏

I thank "god" that I understand narcissism (even a little bit) in this day and age!!!! Thank you so much!!!! I feel protected (bc at least I understand reality...)👍❤❤❤

I think I did more damage staying for the children 😢 They all have hate in their hearts and I can't fix how the X made them feel . They are all adult children now but definitely feel alot of guilt for staying to long. I pray everyone gets away safely . God loves us all ❤

I was both cursed & blessed with ex malignant narcissist being violent as I got justice in the form of a safety order & he being compelled to leave the family home It was a welcome respite until the love bombing and hovering started all over again It was a slow process to finally disentangle myself, The grieving happened gradually through the years, and the final one I had achieved radical acceptance Therapy has been a tough healing journey but is so worth it, and this KZfaq channel with DrRamini has both educated me and saved my sanity I am so very grateful for this community.

For me moving on and removing the toxic person from my life is my goal out of self preservation.

Dr. Ramani you speak as if you have gotten window of what is happening in someone's life. God bless you

Thank you, Dr. Ramani for your amazing work. Please never stop explaining and supporting The Survivors. Your authenticity is screaming. You yourself must have been through a lot. You really-really truly understand all of it. You know how the pain eats you up from the inside. My story is very special as probably many survivors would agree. I questioned myself so much but I know deeply know that I am a good person. I understood quite soon after the final breakup that there cannot be closure. The narcissist continues with his lies, distortions and keeps on creating the familiar confusion. So I got that part but what really frightened me were my thoughts in the most angry phases. I did fantasize about the PERSON becoming fatally ill and slowly die in agony. That is scary because I never wish ever anyone harm but in those moments I did wish HIM the worst. That brings me to the topic of forgiveness. I don't even try to forgive him for causing me so much pain. Instead I turn it around and say to myself that I must forgive myself for not knowing, for being the naive caring and loving woman, for letting him into my life, letting him invade my heart, my soul and my brain and take up so much space, living almost no room for myself to exist, to breath. Thank you, Dr. Ramani. You are my only help at the moment and it means the world.❤

أمي إمرأة صالحة، حُق لها أن تكون الجنة تحت أقدامها، لم تعش يومًا واحدًا تفكر في نفسها، أفنت روحها في إسعاد كل من حولها، لم أرى إنسانًا راضي كأمي، لم أعاشر قلبًا متسامحًا كقلبها ولا أظن أن أحدًا غيرها يملك كل هذا القدر من الرضا والتسليم بقضاء الله، الله يحب أمي ويحبني لأنه جعلها أمي.⁣ ❤ فرحة عطية.

This man verbally and emotionally abused me and I was getting so sick physically, yet I always blame myself till today it's been 9 months and I feel like my wounds are just opening and I'm tired of the grief, financially he left me in a mess and yet I blame myself for the things I was bullied into.. He is completely happy where he is and I sit and ask myself what is it about me that fell for someone like this, it's hard man, so hard 💔💔

What sticks in my mind more and more these days is how much I can't or ever should go back to him. While I get 'Euphoric Recall' every day, and ruminating thoughts of all the times I went back I remember so much the abuse I received and how I felt and that stops the rumination. It's a balancing act each day with my feelings, but I do see a light at the end if the Tunnel and I get on with the 'work' without thinking. 🍒

Do not pick your path in life with pain avoidance. Fear is self fulfilling, so try to not let your fears in when you pick your path.

when the pain of remaining the same exceeds the pain of change, its an individual choice and both are painful. Focus on yourself care is all we can do to get through. Ty Dr. Ramini.

@DoctorRamani I'm reading your book "it's not you", and follow your videos. Your work has lifted a heavy weight from my heart, there's more joy in my life. Thanks for helping us navigate this confusing and difficult experience ❤

Justice is about consequence, about trying to set things right.

My narcissist family makes me feel hate and anger and rage. So, yeah, heavy on the schadenfreude… super heavy.

You are spot on yet again! Radical acceptance is essentially a death of that relationship. A relationship that you fought to save, and gave your all to, and changed yourself for. Relationship death, the abrupt change and permanence, the scary new existence, and the fear of just how sick might this narcissistic stranger be, such as, could he be a Scott Peterson or Chris Watts?, are frightening to someone who’s been beat down and confused. The thing that continued to keep me hoping was that every time we were with friends or family, I’d see my man! The one I fell for! He was right there in front of me smiling, laughing, conversing, and connecting with everyone else in the room…and then we’d get in the car to silence or ugly tones or cruel comments. Then I would internalize the problem as being me, and I’d agonize because I just couldn’t understand where I went wrong. It had to be me. Narcissism is sick and it’s viscous! I’m so thankful for this content that you put out to educate people like me. Thank you Dr. Ramani

It’s so hard…how to handle when it’s your own adult daughter 😢

So many of my decisions as a young person involved completely neglecting my own needs and feelings. Even now that I know it’s my responsibility to take care of myself, it’s still not my first inclination. But now that I’m older, I take more time to really weigh my needs over the expectations of others.

Ima keep commenting: Dam Dr Ramani she hits home every time like that women knows exactly what's going on and slaps me with a reality check! I love ❤️ her!

Thank you for all of your videos, education, advice & support. You helped me survive & thrive this past year & a 1/2. I left & divorced my narc while I also spent this time working on healing. Thank you!

Thank you so much Dr! Your videos have helped me put a stop to this 38 year journey! If it wasn't for you I would still fill like I was going crazy and thinking I was being punished my whole life for something I have never done.

Over3 yrs post narc, no contact. Had to move far away. New apt, new city, all alone. Then I was feeling with the pain and grief. I did have a therapist. All this almost took me out!!!

some times we need to fast, not only from food but from many things. i think it's good to become aware and slowly ease back into life, little by little, while protecting ourselves along the way but also in finding people to trust and connect with again 🙏

Dr Ramani I can't tell you how grateful I am for your channel. Two years ago you helped me realize in what kind of situation I was and it's now 7 months later (from over 14 years of a relationship) and I find myself still hurting, as you say, bruises heal but memory lingers. Your videos alone have helped me getting out of a toxic relationship and even now help me heal in ways you can't imagine. Thank you.

I truly appreciate this video. A lot of this resonates with me and was a great shift in perspective - thank you!

You are saving lives. Thank you! This hits the nail on the head in so many ways.

You don't get closure and you don't get justice. That's when the pain of radical acceptance comes in.....

Been healing for 5 months now. It’s starting to get easier but the feelings are still there. I loved this man who discarded and hurt me.

I honestly thought the grief was a sign of weakness for not being able to get over my ex. I’m cycling between good days and bad days.

This bag of pain video is unbelievably helpful. I immediately feel less self judgment around some new decisions I had already made recently. Now I understand I’m just choosing the less painful path. Before this video, I felt a little judgmental of myself and questioning it. Thanks so much . 💜

It's a process...your own unique process

I need to hear the rawness of reality you so beautifully and kindly present, your an angel 😇 dr Ramini

Dr Ramani’s content is always brilliant but sometimes there is a video that might as well described my life to a tee. And this is one of them. This is what happened to me and the advice I needed right now. Thank you for making this wonderful advice available for free.

Just about everyone can relate to grief when it comes to a deceased person whether it be a friend of loved one. Not a whole lot of people can relate to grief when it comes to dealing with a narcissistic person or the consequences that came from it. Dealing with the grief of severing ties with a narcissist is worse because not only is that person still alive, but they usually go one living their lives as if they did no wrong, they lost nothing and they will continue to gain everything knowing no one can or will stop them. Other grief that can be associated with dealing with such toxic, narcissistic people can be the grief of the loss of a career, contact with children, the loss of reputation, the loss of financial stability, loss of home. The odds are stacked. There is little to no justice for survivors of narcissistic relationships.

Your videos the past 3+ years have helped me through the hardest time in my life. Thank you so much.

Thank you so much for this. I was always questioning about getting justice but this content makes you realise that it may never actually happen

الصامت في المجالس يتحدث في مجالس اخرى، و الغائب عنك حاضر مع سواك، كالشمس حين تغرب على ديارك لتشرق على ديار اخرى، لذلك لا يوجد شخص غامض او صامت او غائب، انما هي منازل ومفاضلات.

To get free and start over. To deal with untold wants, and letting their words and behavior stand for their true "self" and show you, that you loved alone! You are being asked to reach out, grab hold of "hope" and put it in the ground! Some folks lives stay right there. Hope staying dead! But to fully embrace life, live in the moment, you must then resurrect hope, and give her life again! The key to healthy psychological adjustment, is not being robbed permanently of the empathetic qualities you possess. Being vulnerable, trusting, hopeful, capable to give and receive love, and a guilt free, no exs voice in your head, when things along the way don't work out. And comfortable with pausing connections with similar red flags, guilt free. Healthy folks have tiny sacred circles, take longer to let them in to the closest spaces. So, go ahead and take your time. And permission to be done with things that "smacks" you with traces of anything toxic. Don't forget to resurrect hope, at some point! She's just waiting, for now!

Thats exactly what im doing. Setting boundaries, taking control, doing what I WANT! & he will either join or leave.

"GETTING there is half the fun." (The NeverEnding road to healing).

1. Embrace the pain. Let the pain be. Accept the pain. The way out is through. 2. Stay on course even if estranging or going no contact.

Thank you Dr Ramani. Grieving going no contact with narcissistic mother and leaving a decades long toxic friendship. This gives me peace of mind of what I’m experiencing and feeling.

😢 9 year relationship, left 2.5 years ago, still healing.

radical acceptance, thanks Dr. Ramani

You're really just speaking to my life in this video. I finally cut off my mom and in doing so, lost my dad and one of my sisters. The other sister has tried to keep peace between us which really just leaves me feeling gaslit and sad often. After two months, I finally feel happy more often than immensely guilty. What helped was having my mother in law and friends to depend on and spend time with. Good luck to anyone who reads this. It's pain either way. Just know you did/are doing your best.

My closure equals a new life on my terms. Seeking out growth from pain, grief, loss- unfairness. Resilence is justice. Decision is closure- I decide to make a new life on my terms.

I finally left, and I’ve accepted what my relationship was, but now years later I feel afraid to open up to others. I don’t trust my judgement anymore.

After coming out of a narc relationship 22 years ago, it's amazing what you refuse to put up with or even tolerate in a new relationship. Haven't found that women yet. Maybe one day. Happy to be alone and happy.

A bit off topic but it would be interesting to hear Dr. Ramani's take on "stupid" narcissists.

Dr. Ingrid Clayton’s book is always beside my writing space and a huge inspiration to my finding my own voice to keep telling my story. ❤

This resonates deeply... which path of pain do I want to go down !!! Living so many forms of pain from my recent exit from a toxic relationship 🙃 😢💔... one of the most painful and emotionally conflicting paths to endure 💝💯

leaving involves grief but so does staying

Closure and justice: Justice won’t be done and I realize it, life is not fair! Do I want to stay in a Nar relationship even at a senior age, the answer is No! Closure for me; move on with or without justice and look at life with freedom, exercising my weightless space to learn and grow without fear.

Honestly, I tried no contact, but for me, it was educating myself about narcissism seeing the signs, so as we were engaging with each other, I could see how he was interacting with me and that ultimately led to my decision to leave. It gave me opportunity to see knowing, what I had learned, if it was something, I was willing to give up the rest of my life for. I’m moving on after 40 years.

Spiritually, grief is freedom. And gratitude's being on the other side of the entrapment. Gratitude is freedom, also.

It's simple say good bye block them don't talk to them and trust in God he will handle the rest it was a bad experience not everyone is the same life goes on 💯🙏

Wow you really explained what I’m going through well! Thank you for posting this -it gave me such comfort as well as hope for a truly loving , fun and safe intimate relationship 🙏💕💫

Thank you. For acknowledging how hard and lonely this trudge has been. I’ll Keep going. It’s still better than living in the abuse. That’s the word I was waiting to hear you said it. I’m now confirmed. Unfortunately. Thank you again for being such huge part of transition.

Another issue not discussed is the what the narc leaves at the home, the other physical mess they leave and don't care about, debt and items, even steal items from the home. Also planning to leave a narc, but the narc leaves by ghosting first.

Dr Ramani. Thank you! You help me see things right and not blame and believe what he says

We have to manifest the closure and the Justice within our selves. This happened For me through understanding and being open to letting go of anything outside of myself.

I want to thank you for your advice as I’m having a struggling time, recognizing a lot of the topics you talk about on this channel.

Thank you for this Dr Ramani ❤❤❤ Just started watching.