Oh yes. They are over grown toddlers and react the same way when told, no.

Delusional

Mine said something like "it's very difficult to make you happy" when the only unhappy person who kept asking for money and space for everything was him, after I discovered one of his lies.

I don't do "compliance with someone who won't compromise." the narcissist(dad)/his girlfriend.

Absolutely. And abandonment is the price to pay for noncompliance.

"MISTAKES"????

​@elirien4264 Ah, you fixed it for them! More like transgressions, offenses, and abuse

when people overlook it that time they think of it as a mistake but when they finally stop overlooking they get wise & name it for what it truly is.. abuse..

@@elirien4264Exactly! The love to throw stones and hide their hands. When see their hand full of stone, they'll say that you're not communicating in a healthy way when you accuse them of throwing stones. You can't win with them.

Yes, and then we end up being the buffer and absorbing it all to keep the peace until we just can’t anymore, and then we melt down and become the bad guys.

The audacity is when they cheerfully ask you "whats up?" the next day

^^^^^ THIS!!! so much this. sigh.

Yes my mom expects me to keep the peace and let it blow over anytime there's an argument or she makes something up to get upset about. It's crazy because nothing gets resolved.

yep, that's about right.

UGH THIS so true 😓

You are absolutely right! My narc of 20 years of marriage and manipulation said the same thing. 3 days ago I told him we are over. Thankfully he left. Praying I can stay strong. We have an almost 14 year old and 2 adult daughters and he's already using manipulation tactics on them, playing the victim.

Tired of hearing “that’s in the past, you need to forgive” after I found out that she is still Facebook friends with the good Christian friend of the family who sexually harassed me when I was in 3rd grade.

It is a battle just to be seen .

So true.... My narc admits it's his world that I live in. So why do I stay???? New years resolution, Get out of it or accept my position in the relationship. I am working on myself through Dr R and waiting for her new book that's coming out in Feb.

Run for the hills❤ was the best thing I ever did and so can you!

The narcissistic tendency exhibited by a person expects their victim to be cheerful, to do the work of the former for the latter. And it's ok that's it's not fair. Right? Of course it's fair! Smile and say "sheise!" 😊 Stay weak -- I MEAN!! -- strong. 😑😜🤪

Very much AGREED✨

Heard it all.🙄

💕

My grandmother used to repeat to me “don’t think you’re better than anyone else.” It was wicked. She passed at 90 and at the end, my entire evil family stalked me to speak to her but I refused. I was disowned bc I have a problem with csa. God bless all of you who see the truth and we walk together through this journey! Happy new year!

you get offended suddenly..

"We can't all be perfect like you are" is what I heard more than a few times. Looking back, this and other similar responses were the sort expected from an indignant eight year old. Which he was---all too often

GOOD FOR YOU!! This kind of healthy self-love is inspiring to me, thank you!!!

50

@@moniquejackson7741 56

Better off without toxic people

Ugh. And then they tell you you live in the past and that's the problem. So frustrating.

Thank you so much! 🙏🏾 You as well.

Looking forward to it 😎

You know well this will never happen

Its a sociopath now 😂 he literally told me. No worries we only chatted ill never meet up!!

Thank you. Sociopath brother and Narsissist Dad and riddled all threw out his side of my family. Tough.

And explosive anger with loud yelling voice.

So true! That love-bombing stage was all make-believe.

EXACTLY!

Exactly!!!

So true. Any response at all, any possibility that they could be seen in the slightest of negative light will cause them to make you the villain. Literally, his sister asked me if I had an issue with him having secretive relationships as if I was the one with faulty thinking.

People aren't dumb, though. They can usually see who the real aggressor is. But the truth is most people just trying to avoid the shit storm themselves.

@@ct6852 True. She is his sister and often needs his assistance financially.

This is so true, I was always told to come into the light, out of MY darkness after hours of insults or being belittled. Never an apology or responsibility for being so nasty

"You're too sensitive" after you complained the he hurt your feelings by saying something really mean...

@@sylviatownsend410 Yes! Or "You can't take a joke."

Rest assured, if, for some accidental reason, your N sees you smiling or laughing with someone else (could be a complete stranger, or some other acquaintance) the N will make your life hell....you can't win. (So they think! Believe me, you can have the last laugh. You will never tell anyone tho! (By then you won't care to tell anyone anyway!)

Good Morning , Welcome to our shared reality !

Exactly!

Literally

I feel like their enabling families think your a monster for setting boundaries and saying no more

@@jeanettecable1902 always, it’s always about public perception for them which is wild to me. They are hypocritical, hypercritical, just stay far away from them even if they are your “family” that is not family. Period.

Yep. My mom loves to say I focus on the past too much.

Yeah....what apology?

My father was so disinterested in me that he probably didn´t expect me to have feelings.

Mine denied everything and then asked for blanket forgiveness… So using that logic, you want me to forgive you for something you never did? 🤨

My husband said that about me. I’m sullen and he told everyone else that I always have a sullen face and how much he hates that. We’re separated now. I never realized how narcissistic he is. I was blind.

My narcissistic husband makes similar comments to our two sons. We used to ignore his nasty comments, but now we remind him of his horrendous behavior that led to his children not wanting to talk to him or spend time with him. Note: he has a daughter from a previous marriage who went no contact with him at the age of 13. He is a real a**hole.

@@annjohnson8437 No learning, no responsibility.

I wish you a happy life.

As DR, Ramani said they can't unring a bell sorry

Yes, 'Gaslighting'! I have noticed that a narcissistic neighbour was trying to gaslight me. It is a horrid feeling when anyone does this. I had never heard of this behaviour being a symptom of narcissism. It was a chilling.

Good luck & Happy Blessed New Year ❤

Had some 35 and up roommates who behaved like this. They’d be passive aggressive, and then hit you with the- we are a happy family, you’re the problem, while the husband was constantly being emotionally abusive to the wife. It was INSANE 😂🥴. I got tf out of there. I did the typical narcissistic shuffle (cut communication, stay no contact) they played victim thru it all. Even tried to pit my child against me. Shit was ICONIC, they thought they could hit my son with the don’t tell mommy. Then tried to make it seem like my son was a liar. Thought it was hilarious. If you see the signs- run. Your mental health isn’t worth it. I’d rather be homeless than in a home with a narc. Period.

me too, I am literally on my death bed and he is ignoring me. I will go die alone. seriously.

😻😻 well done keep up the good work ❤

My ex left me December 1st on our oldest daughter’s birthday. He has ruined every holiday and every relationship with all family and friends telling lies about me,leaving me completely alone in solitude in my home. Created fear and paranoia, all while he has affairs with other women. He says he wants to come home, if not will leave me destitute. His lies, hiding money, affairs, now taking his pension money out early, I’d rather be alone and destitute before I ever turn back to his abuse. Terrible hurt and shame I have for being so selfless looking back thinking he’d change and love me. So done

Going through the exact same. Apart from the therapy, I can’t face it atm since my ex drilled into my head my therapist is just a paid yes man

​@@oliraceking they aren't yes men, they just don't make you feel guilt or shame. You've had enough of that. They aren't just 'paid' to do their job. They chose to spend years studying psychology and they keep up with their studies. They WANT to help people. Why give any value to what your ex said ?

Thank you. This is very helpful.

Over time, they won't ever apologize they just expect you to understand it was your fault why they acted in such a bad way.

@@1stBorn538 the classic that I've had is "I am sorry this has happened to you" which is a beauty because as well as not being a real apology it questions your sanity. By the end you'll be questioning if waters wet.

I never GOT an apology. 😐

@@TheScarlett618 No if you don't get one straight away they don't value you above what they can get out of you. I have trouble accepting it as well, I'm trying not to chase an apology that's never coming, but it's hard when it's people you thought cared about you and you find out it is the long con by a narcissist or psychopath.

Yes. That's it. Vulnerability to a narcissist is non existent.

I'd say it's to prevent exposing their shame and fear of inadequacy

⚠️ I actually got counseled at a previous job for ...get this...THE LOOK ON MY FACE 😮 bc...you know..old men like to tell women to smile all the time 🙄

Yep I was told to leave the past in the past... but he was free to bring it up at will

@@NUCLEARMAMA1313 YES! Double standards!

Put that in the letters to your mom

Huh? Such an odd response.

​@@BlairyBlair222 That odd response was deliberate.

that's exactly how my ex was. 4 years. if I brought up the truth, caught him in a lie, caught him texting women inappropriate messages or looking at women online, caught him in the lie that he would drive an hour to massage his ex-girlfriend and sleep over at her house and say he was visiting family multiple times, caught him watching porn - he would deny it and fly into a rage. "don't bother me with things that are negative" - exactly. he would rage and then storm out and come home the next day and act like nothing happened. would never tell me where he was. he stayed "wherever the fuck I wanted" .. like he was a gift coming back into my life. he trapped me and made me dependent on him. moved me and all my things to alaska saying he was going to buy us a house in a huge romantic gesture. feeding me the dream. he never bought us a house. he isolated me on a boat in alaska. it's taken me 3 years to get back on my feet, now I have a good job and i'm out of alaska. 3 weeks with him out of my life. it was definitely a trauma bond. I really appreciate all these videos and all this information. his father is a 100% narcissist , cheating openly on his mother. triangulation, lying, coal supply family .... I am so glad to be aware and finally getting to an end of this toxic relationship. I will forever have tinnitus from his abuse. he said up until the end.. you don't trust me. haa,, after all the constant lies... he tried to make me feel like it was MY fault for not trusting him. and, he NEVER apologized. never. the closest he came to that was saying to me once, "I don't know why I have such a hard time telling you the truth." I should have left before the end of our second month together. that's when I started seeing the big red flags. I stayed for 4 years. trust your gut. they will twist you up in all sorts of ways gaslighting you. trust your gut. if I would have done that I would have averted these last 4 years of abuse.

💯 this was my entire relationship with my narc mother.

😂😂😂 yep. Just went through that again yesterday with spouse. He engages in behavior I have asked him not to do as it makes life very hard for me. He blanks it out and has no idea why I am upset and tell him to stop disrespecting me. He claims this comes out of nowhere and I am always angry. I need to stop being so controlling. Yet his behavior is what is causing me to deal with a lot of extra work so in reality, HE is being controlling by not being considerate of me.

Yep. Roommate has been texting since 3 am. He’s big mad that I am grey walling and not engaging.

💯 it’s maddening!

Cut contact,mind yourself, better alone😊

That’s a distinction that I hadn’t considered. The apology is often hollow; there’s no attempt to make amends so you’re still stuck with the anger and resentment. Thanks for sharing.❤

This is brilliant! “The Holocaust is in the past but the effects are generational”. That is so deep! Thanks for the Hitler and historical reference. So effective and sobering.

Yeah it’s the past… but you know what I used to have a penpal and I would write these huge detailed letters. And I found a letter that had not been sent and I saw how cruel things were back in the day and it made me wish I had my eyes opened and could’ve left decades sooner.

I feel this to my core. My dad (ineffectively) pulled this same stunt. My response: Sounds like you’re running out of time to atone. 🤷🏻‍♀️

😅

If I speak with anything but a tempered tone, I’m accused of yelling. SMDH.

Sounds like a nightmare. I hope you can find a way to get out of that relationship soon.

I’m praying for your safety 🙏 please get out of there soon 🥺💝

I recognized this exact pattern whrn I was kid. My mother would rage and scream and hit me and insult me and then...shed cry and apologize and say she loves me and then when I "forgave" her she would be fine for a few hours....and the cycle would begin again. For years until I moved out at 17. At 35 I cut her out of my life. Best decision of my life.

thank u for saying this I had a similar experience, that her "apologies" were just a breadcrumb to try and lure me back when I set a boundary

You are welcome. It's amazing the lengths they go to keep you under their control. Happy Narcissist free New Year!@@hawkspirals3483

Well said.

Exactly. My cousin is an extreme narcissist who kept telling me the same: Let it go. What's wrong with you? Why can't you just forget it? It's in the past (meanwhile, it just happened the day before), and made it clear that I'll never get an apology from him. And also wonders why his wife left him.🙄

@@yourconnection9303 I don't remember my ex EVER apologizing for ANYTHING. Because he was always right about everything and I was always wrong.

YES!!! Well said. These are human lives but not treated that way at all.

Omg wow. You’re right. It becomes physically abusive. I now deal with PMDD from years and years of psychological abuse. Thank you for posting this comment today, it’s giving me lots to reflect on ❤

Omg the thought of my little 71 year old narcissistic mother in handcuffs for narcissistic abuse is hilarious 😂. It should be criminalized damnit! Ha

It would be highly unethical to criminalize what is medically considered and scientifically proven to be a disability.

While some narcissists are physically abusive and physical abuse is a punishable crime, just being a narcissist will never be criminalized. Otherwise all mental issues would be on the chopping block as well. I know its a thought or hope you have but it just isn't logical. In today's society we have far worse issues to tackle. Far worse. Much more serious priorities.

Yes, real joy (in spite of the narc’s behavior) was seen as a terrible threat and he would do something to try to extinguish it.

Amén. They hate to see us happy.

Yep I finally get why I was so shy and quiet growing up

I got, “you have no joy.” from the slayer of all things hopeful. SMDH

I got, “you have no joy.” from the slayer of all things hopeful. SMDH

Sometimes, this is a protective reaction.

I've seen it. I know a lot of traumatized adopted kids (adults now). I'm sorry.

Thx so much.@@harmonyvaneaton4101

It's terrible people adopt to abuse!

Yeah, unfortunately ppl usually still don't see a child that THEY themselves adopted as their own. They think they just have to put up with it and that it's a form of charity

Holidays can be revealing all right. Hope you are ok.

😂😂😂 I just got an apology like that yesterday!

Stay away bc these people will sacrifice your life over nothing. Stay encouraged.

Hi there. Don’t worry about being left alone. Actually you are not at all alone. It’s just you hadn’t got the time to meet nice people yet as all your time was forced into suffering and fighting in order to survive abuse. You are not alone. Your best friends now are yourself you can start to take care of and inner peace. You are surrounded by nice people, trust me. One day you’ll also get rid of the I-don’t- trust-anyone survival mode and make friends more easily. You will also be able to identify narcissistic personalities or full blown NPD at a glance! Covert ones will take a bit longer but still. You have your shield now! Always ask yourself: does this person make me feel good? Depending on the answer, keep her! Give the person few chances and if she is toxic, discard her. Amen. You are not alone. ❤

I wish you the happiest new year with no toxic people around!❤narcs and their enablers can pound sand😂

Ungrateful and overreactive. Exact same words my sister used when I cut her off because of another tantrum she thrown on me while being "tired". Also blamed me I made her acting crazy and saying all the abusive stuff she said cause she was so much tired and I triggered her.... Just recently realized how much time I've lost trying to understand that person and convincing myself she is not that bad.

@@pollyclover1624 yes, it is sad but it is good to know.

You are 68 and your narc mother is still alive? Omg. They truly suck out our life energy to prolong their own lives.

Sounds truly amazing ❤

I hate going anywhere with my husband and forget having family and friends over, it’s like needles in my eyes🤯

​@@beckymellon8135same

❤😊

🥰

😸

I love my cats and dog. Best listeners ever! ❤

I hear you. 40 plus years of marriage and many marriage counselors later only for him to say, "I always thought it was YOUR fault."

The bottom line is we’re not important enough for them to be concerned about.

You fucking rite you shudnt have to suffer when these doctors are letting people like this have kids walk free and it's ok but they put out fucking videos for us to heal bi put them awayb

Me too Gertrude-good luck to you!

Amen. Seems I'm not quite as alone as I thought....

We are in this together!

Me too. All the best to you.

It takes some looking, but there are authentic, warm, safe friends to be found out there! It's not that they are necessarily like a sweet saintly golden retriever all of the time, but when they are upset, they can speak forthrightly about it, and when there is a conflict, it's possible to talk through it, actually resolve it, and feel closer than before! There are people who are just as kind in private as in public. They do exist.

This reminded me of how my dad, who also worked ungodly hours, would call my siblings and I “lazy” kids when he was literally never home. I’d go from school, to sports practice, do homework, go to bed and repeat. I was far from a lazy kid. Shame on him. He wasn’t there to freaking see.

@@okay5488too hard for him to stay home I guess. When I would express my feelings about my father never speaking up to her on my behalf my therapist said “she robbed the bank but he drove the getaway car. 😢

Yeah it's like they don't understand that truly sometimes material things can't make up for no peace of mind. Like it's not just a trope in emo movies...it's actually true.

My mother was dad's biggest enabler and she worked all the time and is never home, and dad was like Dr Jekyll and Miss Hyde he would flip script as soon as she walks through the door! and this type of gaslighting can be so ridiculously traumatic for any kid to deal with.... begging for relief or help from the toxic abuse and being told that you need to calm down, you're the one overreacting, you're the one causing the problems, well maybe if you didn't piss him off so much.... well what did you do this time to upset him... and the whole time, your whole childhood! everyday! trying to explain that you didn't do anything at all, or most of the time not even knowing that you had done anything to piss them off! and then they'll just claim nothing happened and they don't know what I'm talking about, litterally denying their abuse and claiming to be the victim of a child that's lying and making stuff up.... I believe the most hurtful thing dad ever said was that I was just doing this to try and split them up! As a kid I would become so depressed thinking I was actually causing their marital issues, and as an adult I understand he was just gaslighting and manipulating everyone, and using me as his punching bag and scapegoat! And still to this day, Mom doesn't believe any of my stories or retellings of situations, even when shown video evidence of the abuse and hateful manipulative texts, stuff I tried to show her or tell her... She would always just get really emotional and blame me for trying to purposefully make her feel bad, or say that it's between me and him and refuse to hear anything else about it! I am 6'5" tall, and for most of my life was made to feel so small and insignificant... when my father passed it was extremely hard to have any emotion about his passing, well not show any of the emotions anyone thought I should have had anyway... but I don't feel guilty for not mourning the man... his funeral was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with my whole family and all of our friends morning a man and feeling sorry for me and asking how we were going to get along without dad, everyone telling their fond stories of him, remembering what a great guy was... but that day I decided not to ruin anyone's good memories of him by sharing my bad ones... I always wanted to expose all of his toxicity and oust him for the abusive tyrant he was... But when I found out he had passed, I felt a relief consume me, a sense of safety I had never felt before in my life... I felt truly FREE for the first time in my life... I just let my friends and family keep whatever memories of Dad they want too...

It sounds more like you reacted APPROPRIATELY to it. They really don't like it when people are appropriate. x) Shows them up.

Same. My response: Because I don't like you. "

My ex did this right before we were supposed to go to church or to dinner to friend's for dinner. Once, I told him to "Pull the car over and let me out". Oh wow, did he ever refuse to do that!

Wise words. Thank you 🙏🏻

I've heard something very similar from my brother 🤮

That they’re saying this makes no sense, if they never see you smile how will they know that your smile is pretty

Thanks for sharing…that was deep. I wish you well.

@@gertrudewest4535 Thank you. That means a lot to hear.

​@@daykibaran9668The parent wants you to smile always. You are not allowed to be sad or angry because you look ugly and make the parent look bad . Keeping secrets and looking good to the outside world . Those are the rules .

What about “why are you so quiet?” Ugh.🙄

My mother was traveling with me and we were staying in a hotel room to rest. Some idiot mixed ammonia and bleach in the room and when we walked in, my lungs were seared severely. I collapsed and gasped to her we needed another room. She was going to force me to stay there until finally she stomped away. She came back and announced that we had to leave the room a few hours while they ran an ozone machine. She was angry at me for the inconvenience. While I was slumped over in the car, struggling to stay conscious, she looked at me with disgust and shouted, "Can't you just PRETEND to be having a good time???"

@@crazy4color869 I’m really sorry you went through that

Projecting & making it your fault!

I hope you've made him your ex by now.

This is the most horrible thing I ever heard. I’d find any way possible to cut him off completely.

Yes! "If you truly loved me you would hit the "reset button" and "it's not fair to me that you feel betrayed by my secretive relationships!"

My brother got away with so much and we, the four girls were told to "get over it" by our mother. My brother went on to not only marry wealthy women, get all that he could until they caught on and divorced. Eventually, one of the mothers of these wives did a background check on my brother and brought down upon him wrath that had him running from the USA to another country. I wonder if his ex-wives have healed? I hope so.

Does your mother still use the words ,,get over it,,?...probably not.

@@mariahcarey7960 Just last night, I received a phone call from my narc father (divorced from cray cray mom more than 55 years) and he sad, "You should call your mom (we haven't spoken in 25 years). I am curious if she will be as cruel as her mother was?" WTF (whskey tango foxtrot). Even after 25 years of not speaking with her she can easily spring up "Get Over it! That's not what happened! You are too sensitive!"