Lack of authenticity and dishonesty are my biggest turn-offs.

I don't like being around people who always turns a discussion into an argument...people who takes everything I say personally and who makes it their mission to prove me wrong

Don't like people standing too close to me. What really puts me off, is when I try to keep distance, but they keep getting closer.

Being stagnant in your own growth. INFJ's spend sooo much time researching & learning about themselves and others (in order to understand, to grow, to help) and it's disheartening to an INFJ when others don't put any effort into learning about themselves. Besides, the more they learn about themselves the more they can share with INFJ's and it will help us to understand them better (and have deeper & more meaningful interactions). I've noticed that the relationship between an INFJ and another person will get stunted when the INFJ sees that the other person isn't investing in their personal growth and "self-knowledge".

An INFJ would know if somebody is genuine or faking a personality to impress or manipulate. I can tolerate many differences if the person is genuine. But disingenuity is unforgiveable and noticed pretty quickly.

My biggest turn off is the logical contradiction / cognitive dissonance thing. It's effing everywhere. And my second one is jealousy / envy / competition. I really enjoy gardening and one of my neighbors down the street has made it quite obvious several times that she thinks I'm doing it solely to impress and compete. And what makes it even worse is that she often tries to trick me into confirming her pathetic view by saying 'You must be very proud that you have the nicest garden in the street. NO?'. It's SO annoying.

Belittling an INFJ in any fashion is risky business. Definitely on the mark with this video.

OMG, this is so bang on. By describing how not to attract an INFJ you perfectly describe the INFJ!

Timestamps: 00:00 - Intro 00:46 - 1 | Be a logical contradiction 01:49 - 2 | Never open up 02:50 - 3 | Force them into small talk 03:48 - 4 | Dismiss their ideas 05:03 - 5 | Discourage their passions 06:24 - 6 | Interrupt their work 07:18 - 7 | Be overly attached to traditions 08:52 - 8 | Accuse them of being crazy 10:30 - 9 | Force impulsive decisions 12:46 - 10 | Be passive aggressive 13:38 - 11 | Make everything about you 14:21 - 12 | Act like the end justifies the means 15:28 - 13 | Disrespect quality time 16:49 - Outro

"We like to have conversations that actually MEAN something. A lot of us have a hard time with small talk and see it as a waste of time. I have better things to do. I got work to do. Why am I standing here for 20 minutes talking about nothing with someone that doesn't matter." - The truest thing I've ever heard/seen on the interwebz. This is like every company party or every party that your extrovert friend forces you to go to.

I'm a depressed INFJ who procrastinate ALOT, it has become crippling and thinking about stuff just fills me with guilt and sadness that I'm not able to live up to my ideals. I'm an all-or-nothing kind of person so when I'm too weak-willed or tired to perform I shut down completely. I wasn't like this before so I'm ashamed of what I have become. I think total isolation has worn me down. I also have problems making choices since I have many different interests and I can't pick one life path. I'm stuck in my head and don't follow through with anything anymore. The list of what I feel I ought to do piles up and I don't know where to begin so I just shut down and distract myself with youtube etc. while feeling miserable and guilty.

Tell me what I'm thinking, my motivation or intent, without asking and especially after I have explained myself. I lose soooooooo much respect for ppl like that, it's a count down to the SLAM!

These points are spot-on. No wonder I enjoy quarantine so much! Any quarantine negatives are quickly offset by not having to deal with all that crap.

-only like me for the body -don't be willing to improve in any way, shape or form -tell me there is nothing beyond our 5 senses -tell me we're not gonna hang out on your day off because you have an 1 hour appointment all day and that makes your whole day busy(it's insane how many do this) -say "we're all gonna die, so why bother" Uhm I'm not sure how accurate these are, but they apply to me, sounds more personal than INFJ, but hey whatever there we go haha

Scare me away by trying to impose your extroverted ideas on what I should be doing with myself. Example: I'm sitting in the warm sun writing or reading and my nieghbor automatically thinks I want her to run over to me with her 3 pitbulls. She assumes anyone in her line of sight wants her to come over and chat. No boundaries. Like, let's keep doing this until your dogs knock me on to the concrete. I love paw prints on my book.

Not a fan of Ego. 100% agree. Bragging, I just don't feel the need to do it myself & get annoyed when others think they are going to impress me by doing so. Don't brag about anything to earn my respect.

One main thing that has been hurting my relationship is I can’t take any more guessing... I can’t guess about how someone is feeling, thinking, or going through. I can not be with someone who isn’t transparent and is passive

Not just romantic partners, also very close best friends, I noticed I get very irritated when my best friend invites me to watch a movie or a weekend full of a tv shows and they get on their phone instead of spending that quality time *they* planned for us..

Friends talking about themselves incessantly and telling the same stories over and over and not seeming to have any interest in us. It is mind numbing. I can’t hardly take it anymore, but I politely oblige because I know they really don’t mean any harm, they just don’t know any better. When I’ve tried to stimulate the conversation, sometimes I get statements like “where did that come from?” So frustrating.

For me, the biggest turn-off is when they listen only to reply but not to understand.

It’s so spot on that it’s ridiculous. I feel so seen. It feels amazing to be understood.

I am 50 yrs old and just discovered what it means to be an INFJ about six months ago... I actually took the test back in my early 20's and found out but honestly had no clue what it meant, because I never looked any further into it. 👍 I seriously thought, "Oh yippy skippy... I am the rarest personality type... As if I don't already feel enough like a square peg trying to fit in a round hole in life..." 🤦‍♀️ But when I finally looked into all this six months ago I was like... "Errrrm... 😳 Holy crap... My entire life suddenly makes sense..." 😳🤣 You nailed it by the way! Imagine the frustration I had my entire life dealing with these things and having no clue why I was like this and couldn't round my edges even a LITTLE to try and fit in that round hole and just be "normal"... 🤣

Bro, you describe every thought and desire that literally goes through my mind and soul. When I took a personality test and came up with the INFJ (which I pronounce as in-fij) descriptors, I was exposed to every reason other people irritate the life out of me! I'm constantly criticized for talking about things too deep, always over analyzing everything and caring too much or being too passionate. Most people turn me off instantly with mindless small talk and can't understand why I refuse to be interested in it. I explain, "small talk is for small minded people and I'm not small minded." This has proven to most that my time and attention is valuable and only earned, not granted. I love that you are very similar and love watching how you explain it in laymen's term. Thank you for being you and being humbly strong enough to put yourself out there to the world. A deep conversation is absolute gold and cherish every one I have. Be safe and please keep making content like this so people like us know we're not crazy and the only ones feeling like this. Btw, interesting way to put the reverse psychology spin on the subject on how to turn us off instead of on... I like that 😎👍

Clever Valentine's Day topic :-); the subtle irony of INFJ humor. Another altogether enjoyable vlog.

I’m loving this channel and all your content on INFJs! Thank you 🙂

Thank God I'm not the only one who catches and releases spiders from my house! I've literally never met another human being in my life who does it too. I've always had a complex about it because others have made fun of me or made me think I'm weird. I'm so happy to know I'm not alone in that lol. Your awesome! Love this video too! ❤😊🕷

I'm in a relationship with an INFJ and I myself am an INTJ. We have both been completely open with communication from day one and we both hate small talk so we don't waste don't on that and it's one of my favorite things about us. He is my true unicorn and I can't imagine a better person for myself. No matter how much he tests me. I understand that it is just in his personality DNA to exhaust unrealistic hypotheticals. Thankfully I've found the best way to let him know when enough is rough is through subtle visual cues because verbal cues don't work lol He truly is magnificent to me.

I have struggled and been turned off by all of these. I used to contort myself to work around them...

Don't micromanage us!!!! INFJs are highly competent people and just do life very well. We don't need anyone hovering over us and we'll become VERY resentful if we have to put up with this.

Oh, I so understand the pressure sales thing. I had a situation recently where that happened. And I was done with that before it ever got started.

I'm pretty sure my ex is an ESTP. He would always say that anything philosophical or abstract was really boring and basically asked me to not engage him in anything like that. We ended up having nothing to talk about. Among other reasons, it's something that killed the relationship. To be honest he was only interested in talking about himself, gossip or small talk. But I never told him how boring I found that...

AWESOME as always. Insightful, reflective, clear, intelligent stuff. Thank you brother!!

I love doing what others believe I couldn’t accomplish! I do things quietly and I don’t push for too much outside help. I plan a lot! LOL I enjoy my alone time and have patience. So when I have a goal I do not waste my time telling just anyone any longer. I’m working on something big for me right now. It has a process it has to go through. It’s reached a point most thought I’d never get it to! It’s empowering and exciting! I’ve learned so many vast things and realize just how little I know myself?! At first it was scary. But now that I’ve taken baby steps and fear less, I’ve tasted a bit of success! It makes me want to keep going! I’ve watched several of your videos for a few weeks and subscribed this A. M. I am so picky and want to make sure I’m learning and listening to someone who can bring more to my life, open my mind, and know they’re relatable! LOL You make so much sense to me! Just wanted to thank you! This is something I’ve been struggling with. I realize there’s so much more out there to learn, I need less but know less about what I’m capable of? It’s funny and exciting now but when I first realized how much I still have to grow it was scary and overwhelming. But now it’s become an adventure?! LOL Better in my 40’s than 20’s?! For me it is! No midlife crisis. It’s a midlife awaking of sorts? 🤷🏻‍♀️😄👌🏻👍🏻

I'm an INFP and I relate to ALL these 💯 Just the other day I had one of those sales call for my business too and I decided not to buy because of that pressure to commit to buy by the end of call. I kept explaining that I needed time to weigh my options and digest the conversation and they completely disregarded that saying "if I was serious then I'd invest". There was NO way I'd work with someone who didn't care to listen and honor my way of working.

I'm kind of new to Myers Briggs, but after reading up on the functions, taking several tests, etc, I'm really thinking I'm an INFJ. Most everything in the video resonated with me, except maybe the part about liking to be asked why. Maybe it's because I have been asked why in a challenging tone too many times, and I feel like I'm being put on the spot to defend my decisions. I don't feel like I do things for a single reason, so when someone asks me why, I really have to think. It's like I do things based on a feeling that it is the right thing to do, and that feeling is based on hundreds of different pros and cons that I subconsciously use to make that decision. When someone asks me why, I start trying to think of all the million pros and cons and why I decided why the pros outweighed the cons, which isn't easy... and who wants to hear all that? Lol

With this title, the anthropsychologist in me had to click. Gosh, this made me sad. You have put up with too much. I wish authentic, smart, caring people your way. 🙌🏼

This is so strange I recently took a spider out on my balcony because I refused to kill it, and I did the same with a moth that was flying in my kitchen for a while. Might I add I love your videos and I have never felt more understood by someone, I feel lost at times around people because I am an empath, it's really hard to take that all in and people expect us to be ok.....

Your video quality is so amazing.

Every word clearly articulated. 👍

You are describing my 40 year old marriage with a covert narcissist. I wasted most of my life, by staying with someone I met as a child. I look forward to a healthy relationship in the future with another INFJ.

YES!!! I also relocate bugs! - fellow INFJ

We definitely love asking why?! And some people find that so intrusive, when we are just curious and want to understand them properly, deeply.

Ok it's official, you have spelled it out! On the ball. So relateable. Can only another INFJ understand an INFJ ? You are the only INFJ male I know. I just did the personality hacker quiz and came out INFJ... now need to percolate on that..

INFJ- Yes- True to all of this! Excellent alternate view video for a Valentine's post.

Your 4th topic really hit home. It seems like less and less people care about what's behind the surface. That disinterest and walking away have been a struggle having to deal with. When people walk away like that, I just think "Oh, welp, I'm done with you then." It's disappointing, and over time, it's exhausting and upsetting. It also makes it incredibly difficult to open up to people when I already have a difficult time doing that. I've also been dealing with people breaking my focus and forcing me to restart, and people not allowing me to implement my better ideas on certain things that clearly aren't as good as they could be, or are just plain bad. It's been increasingly frustrating at work.

10:12 EXACTLY: Nothing is more limiting and making me want to spend even more time alone than "this". Can't ask or get into, or question things without people thinking one is "against them" or disagreeing with them. I am not against or disagreeing, with my own stuff or theirs, I just want to make the energy and time worthwhile, investigate. Looking at ALL sides, not just what I believe and think is right. I want the perspectives, the clarity, the reality, not just the "seemings" of things. We ain't getting anywhere as a human race from that.

Yes, passive agression does stimulate our overthinking, and it is stressful, exhausting and makes us distrustful.

Man, you hit the nail on the head again. Great content and great quality as always!

Listening to this suddenly gave me perspective on why the behavior of my neighbors has been upsetting me and troubling me so much. Normally I have not interacted with neighbors but the 2020 covid thing brought us into closer contact. As I listened to the list I copied it and could put at least one neighbor's name next to it. Wow, no wonder I have been feeling so lousy. It bolstered me to intensify my efforts to keep minimal contact with these folks for my own sanity and to get out and get away from my residence as much as I can tolerate, tho I am a major homebody. These videos are great!

Every single point is spot on! Every single one. Thank you. Today was a tough day with too much going on at work. Thanks for helping me re-center myself through your talk here.

I killed a spider the other night. Felt sooo bad after. It was just watching me, but from too close for comfort. Its below zero outside though, so I did it humanely. Still felt bad for about 10 mins, as I saw life through its 8 eyes.

This is one of my favorite videos from you. It is a testament to how well you know yourself (the INFJ.) Sometimes the best way to describe something is to explain to others what you aren't. Its funny to me that we understand things better in that light. I'm sure other personality types are questioning why some of these things are such big deals. The "why" that you mentioned. Some of those people do not have the capacity to look at themselves in the mirror, and INFJ's are pretty much a mirror to a lot of people, so it makes it difficult for us to find those true connections with other people. As a lot people are neither genuine nor do they self analize. Which for me leaves me scratching my head as to why anyone would choose to live a life like that. So many people are content living the dream world that they create for themselves and they find happiness in their created realities. This is what drives me crazy. I'm writing about the dangers of the cliches of daydreaming myths, which do not match reality. Eh, I digress. Thank you for the video. I always enjoy them. Cheers

As an INFJ, my soul just left my body after watching this video

Wow! That´s just totally spot on! Every single little thing! And I really love your video about the differences between INFJ and INFP. It made it totally clear to me that I am an INFJ. Thank you!

One of the things that bugs me in a lot of mbti discussions is the perpetuated idea that trapping a spider to put outside is of the Fi function, an Fi value, but I was always the one wanting to save and trap spiders to put outside, which I felt a product of my Fe-Se functions, while my INFP ex would just kill it, which I felt attached to his Si-Te. And well he's my ex for a lot if not all of these very reasons. The breaking point was when he told me it wasn't ok for me to be me anymore. I should've left sooner, but I felt conflicted, and I think maybe that was a product of my Fi blindness, and Fe desire to accept people as they are, but I'm still trying to figure it out. I just know that there are solid reasons to keep that door shut.

I can relate even from the first opinion... When INFJ heard 1 statement from someone and decide we don't want anything to do with them ..😂😂

This is a great video! It is like you are going into my brain and explaining what I could not have explained to this day😁 I will save it to utilize wherever I need to explain myself. Thank you!🙏🏻😊

My goodness this is so true to me! Spot on. Especially the logical contradiction, and the small talk all the time 😴

So wonderfully put. Thank you 🙂

Spot on - find the layers of meaning within all things!!! I feel like a lone cosmonaut most of the time, going where no one has gone before, in exploration of theories. My mind naturally does that. I found that many of them are bs, used as marketing tools. Picking up on the personality and motives of others happens in lightning speed.

Thank you, perfect examples and the crazy part is we feel like we pit up with or compromise constantly. Those are our crumb demands to feel loved and valued. Especially the road trip or inviting others, always disappointing but they do it because we are to intense to completely be alone with.

As many have already mentioned, you really hit the nail on the head, and you have articulated the points so well! Thank you :)

My estj mom was dismessing and disvalueing my ideas and passions all the time. I hated her for that, but now she is more careful and respectful after our debate and confrontation about her behaviour of course !

I love how you are so spot on with everything, at least from my POV.

Hi all fellow INFJ 🕷 catchers! ❤️ I like to catch and release 🪰 too. ☺️

Yes, yes and yes ! Interrupting me when I work, dismissing me, attempts at manipulations (when I can already sense and pick up another agenda with a person), the "we've always done it this way" reason, for anything, walking away after you've asked me a question (Omg this one so astonishes me), ...and on and on . I would also add that any of these 13 things -if done first thing in the morning -are a real turn off. I need my quiet time. That is, unless you want to tell me about a dream you had last night....then I'm all in ! :-) Clay you've really validated my day ! :-) LoL. Thanks !

I could not have better explained this about myself than you did amazing content !

Nailed it, excellent examples

Wow a very descriptive explanation,of how my mind works and seemingly a few others,Thankyou

Thank you for all your videos! They already helped me with a couple of relationships! It is crazy how well you describe my personality ;) All the best from a fellow german software engineer :)

The most important ( and annoying and relationship-limiting ) thing, that is also the most every-day, casual thing is this: "different viewpoints and perspectives". Like most people expect us to "just sit there and agree" with their values, beliefs and concepts, in a "Fe-manner", and oh believe me, I do get their "POV" and empathize and often agree with it, but when people get "upset" or dry and hard against you ( I can just tell, it doesn't even have to be spoken out to me ) because I/we want to expand, bring nuance and perspective in the further consideration, and not just "yes, agree" or "I feel you" but REALLY want to help and be with someone by expanding our awareness on the matter at hand together.. that is a nuisance, so limiting. In my case, I bring more perspectives to the thing, that "there is more to it" and "have you considered this in your assessment, of which you form your beliefs, consciously or unconsciously?" I want to deep dive and get clean and real on matters, whether it is of my own experiences and whatever, or in conversing and listening to another. I can't stand staying on the surface of beliefs, concepts, feelings and whatnot. There is a space for that, and that is intuitively felt and feels amazing, but that is NOT all the time. Without expanding the matter, to PLAY and unite with further investigation and have some shared "objectivity" on something, instead of "seemingly having to people please", even just slightly, because someone gets uncomfortable, aggressive, changing in energy towards you because you "don't seem to agree, or understand" what they are saying, when I do, more than anyone they know. I just don't want to "stop there", when it is still limited and too biased. I want to explore, expand on our "shit" together. It is fun, insightful and leads to things of ACTUAL value, in the relationship and for the person/individual. Otherwise it just repetition and constant empathy and taking other's stuff in, without having to "play" and mind-stimulate and get some deeper, broader perspectives in place. People are being to "tied to what they already belief and it is set in stone", and then I cannot naturally use my "Ti", Ni-Ti together, without many types of people thinking that "I am against them" for ADDING something, or ASKING something about a particular thing they are saying. I simply want to UNDERSTAND them for real, and go deeper within each of our minds and hearts. It is nothing personal "against" someone whatsoever when I ask for definitions, clarifying, expanding on something. I don't like to take things at face value and "just believe and agree" with the first thing spoken on a matter. It is useless and a waste of time. Feels like early adulthood, or teenage year level of "real connection and sharing" to me. Don't like to feel like I am "stepping on people's toes" for "being the devils advocate", when I am genuinely interested and VERY MUCH CAPABLE of both helping the other in a true way, bringing more into perspective and for long-term benefit. I cannot do that, be natural fully, when there are eggshells lying around the corners and feelings and beliefs and whatnot in people's inner space. They have NOTHING to defend from me. I am not attacking. Boils down to being misunderstood when "really being me", because people are too impatient and many a times too insecure to "go deeper" and see where it leads, and the effects and benefits of actually not just staying on the "surface". Hard to explain. But this is the biggest problem I have with all human connection. People just seem to die inside and be irritated and COMPLETELY Misunderstand the "Ti-reasoning" with the Ni-foresight and intuitiveness, that is SERVING the Fe for the both of us.

Nailed it! Every point you mentioned would piss me off.

Generally INxx types are super picky as observers. 😊

Sometimes I let it run on to see where it goes. Plus to get more insight to why they are so disturbing to us. Also to be more malleable to not only switching it up the gears but oil them so transition between are more faster and smooth

Oh, well done my friend!

I agree with everything you said. I especially dislike small talk. Who cares? It's so superficial and shallow. I like learning how people think., what their passions are and what life experiences have taught them. One on one time with another introvert is heaven. I thought I was the only person in the world who didn't like to be dismissed mid sentence or talked over. We are sensitive to others and I guess we naturally expect the same from people. It's hard not to have expectations when we're talking common courtesies. I could go on and on about each point you made but suffice it to say, it would be redundant! Great and thorough job! Bravo!!

I often feel misunderstood by many people (even people close to me). The phrase, “At the end of the day…” rubs me wrong (I want to know what happened during the course of the day. How did you get to the end?). I can’t stand being interrupted (I must finish what I started). I don’t like playing the guessing game (I’m not a mind reader, please don’t shut down on me). I enjoy serving and lifting people up but I don’t want to be around them all the time (I need my space. I value peace and quiet). I don’t do well with arrogant people. I get annoyed by empty flatteries (please don’t blow smoke up my ass). I’m guided by my initiation. I question religion. Yes, I am an INFJ-A.

Thank you, it was a really great day with you!!

Feels like a "Guide on How to Date Clay..." :'D Nice to see a guy who knows himself...thats an INFJ for ya! Still great, accurate content!

So true! Thank you for making this video !

As an INFP who dated an INFJ, this video is very helpful on both fronts! The only thing I DON'T relate to here, is I have a tendency to enjoy impulsive decisions

I 100% agree with this! Great video :)

High-pressure sales: GREAT way to piss me off! Nice Nietzsche reference... "A means to and end." Being a very generous person, when someone tries to monopolize my generosity there's a very high probability of me going nuclear.

As an INFJ, I always sort of wondered why my ENTP guy best friend had a crush on me in the first two years of our friendship. After hearing your first point, that sheds a little bit of a light on it.

The only thing I disagree with is this, the spider, first if someone else is around, they take care of said spider otherwise it's a can of Raid.

Wuaw!!! I don´t beLIEve in lists. But everything you said here was so accurate to what turns me off.. Specially the exhausting and crazy part... I don´t think there are such thing as groups of personality out of the avatar state, but your video really made me feel infinite peace!!!

What I hate is everyone tries to figure me out instead of get to know me. There's nothing to figure out. I'm an open book and noone knows me.

Waw us INFJ can easily become baffled and intriguing nagging in our energies towards other human being personalities. I find that cringey as I don't wanna hurt or worsen another person. It's good to screen if the other person is capacitated mentally to scrutinize their own behaviors. Most people are still sleeping, spiritually. Indigo adult's intelligence is us. Yet we have to not step on others. ♡

mann as an ENFP everything you mentioned were huge turn-offs to me. Things I also wouldn't appreciate though I'd have tolerance for those things. No wonder we love INFJs and sure INTJs cause I very much resonate with them probably not liking the above experiences.

I so see why I initially thought I might fall into INFJ. I stumbled onto one of the personality type vids, watched quite a few, and thought that might be the applicable one, but there were a few things that just didn't seem to jive, so I finally broke down and took one of the personality tests and it came up INFP-A (no idea what the - A signifies), and after watching a lot of INFP vids there is no doubt it was pretty dialed in (though of course no idea about the - A), but all this to say, I had already watched allot of your vids, and find them quite interesting and this one is just another example of how I was so easily mistaken initially. Good presentation : )

The end and means part is so true. I have been debating with my ISFJ bestie for years (eventually we just accepted we’re different) on this issue. I think the means is as important as the end but she thinks only the end matters.

Spot on!! My husband agreed 100%

Thank you. It is just amazing video. Many things are new to me and are very relevant for relationship with infj.

This is uncannily accurate!

Wow! This was sooooo good!

wow!!! u know what? Im gonna make a list of these points and turn it into a game. Im gonna count during the day how many times these are hit instead of being touchy ( u know..in a silent, handsome, masculine way :) and caught off guard. I imagine it'll make room for me to even have a sense of humor during the nightmare-ish event.

Yeah, that's pretty spot on.

Love your hair!!

Loved them all!

I hope this video is useful for those who do not want to attract an INFJ :P