How to Connect With Your Spouse When Their Walls Are Up

Рет қаралды 22,618

Күн бұрын

How to Connect With Your Spouse When Their Walls Are Up
There is nothing more anxiety producing than the failure to connect when our spouse's walls are up. You may feel insecure, you may feel like you're just roommates, you may feel it is unbearable.
It helps to know WHY the walls are up and what to do to bring them down. It's not intuitive and most people get this wrong.
In this video, I share the reasons WHY the disconnection is occurring and some key mind-set shifts that will allow you to reconnect again--even if they've been walled off for years.
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👉 If your goal is to create a 100% authentic, healthy relationship, follow The Art of Healthy, Authentic Marriages group in Facebook -- / healthyauthenticmarriages .
This is a group is for individuals or couples in committed relationships who are struggling, or on the brink of splitting up, OR just seeking to raise the quality of their romantic relationship. This group is LGBT-friendly and welcomes diversity in religious, ethnic, and cultural backgrounds. Whatever you are struggling with in your relationship, this is a non-judgmental space.
Monika Hoyt, LICSW | Monika Hoyt helps couples and individuals whose marriages are on the brink transform their relationships from the inside-out. She focuses on changing limiting beliefs, building emotional connection, and getting on the same team for life.
This channel covers topics like how to trust in a relationship, how to deal with narcissistic personality disorder or emotional abuse in relationships, and how to prevent divorce.
Let’s Connect:
Website: monikahoyt.com
Facebook: / couplescure

Пікірлер: 66

@19th-centuryartist56 3 жыл бұрын

Thank you Monika! This is easily the best content on KZfaq on the subject of emotional disconnect in marriage. So much to think about... I wonder how many people listened to the 4 minutes starting around 2:38 and thought, "This is an incredibly accurate description of my life"... :-( I appreciate your honesty - that you talk about "unpopular", counter-intuitive solutions that require introspection, patience, resisting one's impulses - unlike many other channels where they first want to reassure you "it's not your fault". One comment that I have is that in addition to the 3 reasons you list for the walls going up - resentment, fear, and depression - it seems to me (based on my experience) that it can also be the fact that the spouses had different ideas about what marriage is or how marriage/family works: they did fall in love, they never felt they had to discuss much, and things were good for a while - but at some point life throws a difficult situation at them (children?), and they realize that their ideas, approaches, expectations, etc are just too different to be easily reconciled. Each side insists on their view and expects the other to validate it - a disconnect starts building up, and at some point it is just easier not to talk, not to deal with this issue and just live in parallel lanes...

@MonikaHoyt 3 жыл бұрын

Agreed! Differing ideas about how it is "supposed to be" can lead to gridlock for sure.

@missyk1477 9 ай бұрын

This video is helpful. I will say, I've been with my husband for over 23 years. Childhood trauma has created huge issues for both of us. My husband had become very disconnected emotionally over the years. I've been able to "stay in my lane" for many years now, and break the habits of co-dependency. I've hoped that my husband would want to connect with me, but what I've learned is that he disconnected even more so. It's been a VERY lonely existence.

@ChavaLilove 8 ай бұрын

Time to leave the relationship

@ElimEx1 6 ай бұрын

Why? That is what all marriages ultimately become, no? You're just together and have common goals but love fades and is replaced by comfort, convenience, appreciation, etc. Passion, etc that doesn't last.@@ChavaLilove

@carissateixeira2028 2 ай бұрын

I feel for you. I’m so sorry. Love hurts more than any physical pain can ever

@ericaalvarez8513 2 жыл бұрын

This was phenomenal! I appreciate you ! 🙏

@ElimEx1 6 ай бұрын

I didn't know I was depressed because I can't feel anything. That's interesting. Thank you for that insight.

@missm.2537 3 жыл бұрын

I am so happy to have found your channel, Monika. I go through a very difficult stage now in the relationship and it is really hard on me. 5 days we have fight non-stop and I feel hurt and misunderstood and even disrespected. I get so much emotionally disconnected that this night I was thinking about break up as a relief. The only thing that stops us now from breaking up is that we live in a country where we are both foreigners and we share a flat. He avoids any physical contact and for me this is essential to feel loved. Feeling very desperate at the moment....

@johannesswillery5146 3 жыл бұрын

He doesn't think any other man would be interested in you. You have to make him understand otherwise.

@tallotta1 Ай бұрын

Monika, you have given us a lot to review, and think about. Thank you!

@DSWeigle65 15 күн бұрын

This resonated with me better than anything else I’ve heard. Thank you.

@rajeshr9555 10 ай бұрын

So Powerful... Eye opener... Different perspective... Be there always.. love is not transactional.... Don't set any time frame....

@davidjonburke2729 Жыл бұрын

Wow thank you! This is powerful

@anaiss265 2 жыл бұрын

I would love to hear more about midlife crisis. I watched your video and it was so helpful. Grateful for your guidance.

@MonikaHoyt 2 жыл бұрын

Noted! Thank you....

@Tsan1010 7 ай бұрын

Me too. Your videos regarding it were helpful and encouraging. There are not a lot of videos on this topic that are helpful. My wife and I have been separated for approximately 10 months and there is indications that she is seeing a psychiatrist and possibly taking medication. I’m not finding any information on how that would affect my role being caring and loving pushing forward working on reconciliation. Thank you for everything.

@alicewithdimples 6 ай бұрын

You spoke so well ❤

@supriyapahuja2127 Жыл бұрын

Thanks Monika you have been really helpful...it makes so much sense.

@MonikaHoyt Жыл бұрын

I'm so glad!

@TheAverageGam3r 2 ай бұрын

I realized I was severely depressed for 2 years I didn’t realize until it was too late. I’m on medication and have been improving myself and my involvement with my family. She honestly assumed I checked out and stopped caring but has recently understood what I went through and said she won’t give up. However all her walls are still up, no physical contact no I love you, she doesn’t wear her ring. It’s been four weeks on in house separation with her finding out about my depression around week 2. I know this needs time and I love your videos. This is just really rough and I want to make sure I don’t push her away. I understand her walls and respect them. But I miss loving her

@alloymusicgroup7659 3 ай бұрын

Best video I’ve ever watched!!!!

@jasonfromm5637 Жыл бұрын

Spot on

@rhartl325 Жыл бұрын

Thank you.

@MonikaHoyt Жыл бұрын

You're welcome!

@dawndeeearven1616 4 жыл бұрын

Thank You Thank You Thank You 🙏 😇💫🥰🤗

@ByronCoolie-ef6ql 7 ай бұрын

thank you so much for your help. This is everything about me. I would love to speak with you about my situation. I just got to know how to get in touch with you.

@dawndeeearven1616 4 жыл бұрын

Wow!!! No such thing as coincidence 🙏💞🤗🥰

@pavanchahl1039 2 жыл бұрын

Genius.

@melkerner 9 ай бұрын

It's not just black and white or a singular reason- it can also be a mixture of several issues, including relationship difficulties, depression, perimenopause, stress, etc..

@deb2319 4 жыл бұрын

🙏🙏🙏 Thank You

@jamiesauter57 3 ай бұрын

My wife of 20yrs overnight stopped talking to me. I try to start conversations and I get single word answers. The more I push for answers the more she gets upset and says I'm attacking her. There is no more intimacy or sex, and she has admitted that she can't be that person for me anymore or anyone. She says there is something wrong with her but dosen't know what. We have gone from best friends and lovers to roommates raising children. She has completely checked out on all levels. I've been told to be patient and let her come to me but fear she is done. Won't talk about us and feels counseling is pointless.

@adarshraghuram7728 Ай бұрын

Same boat but no kids. Hope you're fine man. 5 years together and 3 years married. And it's just one word answers. The need to know basis really bothered me. I know if I'd done anything like this, the marriage would have been torn up as she would have only one conclusion. An affair. But our understanding and patience doesn't get reciprocated. Reciprocity. Where are you?

@melkerner 6 күн бұрын

Same here - once we adopted the kids - she left our relationship. No kissing, no sex, no real intimacy. Plays on her phone, expects Wife treatment without any connection. Co-parent, I cook, grocery shop, do the dishes, run the errands, take care of the kids, do the laundry and she sits on her phone and checks out when she gets home form work. Been this way for 15 years

@TheMessenger100 5 күн бұрын

Ask her what is her biggest stress. They may be emotional and don’t trust you to speak. I went through this and working on addressing her emotion and being there but also doing what makes you happy more. Increasing my masculinity but also being a gentleman. Don’t be afraid to speak you mind. The key is how you say in and how you stay calm with there attitude. Putting boundaries. Also ask what you can help her with ? Hopefully she will reply but first work on yourself in the process to get your confidence up. Not selfishly but self working. For you and the relationship. Also pray. Prayer works

@johnforster6680 2 жыл бұрын

Hi are your live sessions at the same day and time every week?

@MonikaHoyt 2 жыл бұрын

no it varies but for the next coupled of months. will be doing one on Tuesdays going forward in my Facebook group, then uploading to KZfaq later...

@SMITH0023 5 ай бұрын

Ive been with my fiance for about a decade but last probably couple years were not tha same.. its like there isnt no connection,no love in how she speaks to me if fhat makes sense.. but we are roommates pretty much. Our beautiful princess is 2 and I stared sleeping in the living room because i eake uo so early and i use to wake them up. . I know thats my fault sleeping in there but i thought i was helping but now yes it seems lost i Miss her so so much. And our connection is not there. Yes i KNOW kids and nothing will be the same. But IDK im lost in how to fix this or if i cant... Also you said the number one thing.. resentment I feel like she hates me even more talking there's no love it just feels like hate coming out I don't know what or how to do anything anymore I do miss her I do wish we could be how it used to be it was so awesome I just miss her and but I'm sure all this is my fault ... I just don't know.. i know theres a lot if stress on us but still.. AND I KNOW THIS MESSAGE IS ALL OVER THE PLACE BUT SO IS MY MIND! IDC I JUST SOME HELP OR SOMETHING..I KNOW SHE FEELS RESENTMENT TOWARDS ME. I DONT KNOW WHY THOUGH. I WORK AND COME HOME. I DONT EVEN GO OUT .. I SERIOUSLY DONT DO ANYTHING EXCEPT WORK AND HOME.... YES FINANCIAL ISSUES ARE THERE OF COURSE BUT WE USE TO BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING. AND JUST TALK. NOT THIS ROOMMATE BS.. ANYWAY DOES SOMEONE HAVE IDEAS? IVE ASKED HER CAN WE FIX THIS CAN WE WORK ON IT, TALK ABOUT IT

@lisaivey740 3 жыл бұрын

My husband had strayed away working his job and then coming home to eat dinner, then going to help a guy he recently meet work at his shop to around midnight every night.When he had days off he was at that shop along with other things he seem to live his life as a single man and not a husband, so after. five months I asked him if he wanted to sign Divorce paper and it caught him off guard and the next day he basically moved in his Mom’s house. I love him and I truly want my marriage but he has totally shut down and tells me now he just doesn’t feel anything, there is such a wall there and no matter what I say or do the bricks are still there.

@lilndnfeather 2 жыл бұрын

My husband started doing similar behavior.. he eventually moved out and I’m still lost. Did your marriage work out?

@skaziblu 9 ай бұрын

What id they go grey rock?

@thewatcher6388 5 ай бұрын

And if the reason's are for nearly all the reason's mentioned...what then??

@SMITH0023 5 ай бұрын

About it but apparently i drink beer but i dont get drunk. I don't talk to other girls . Like i said i just work and cone hone

@SMITH0023 5 ай бұрын

We even haven't been intimate physically or mentally or all the above in a long time and I just feel like I deserve to be happy too I've tried talking she just didn't like to talk I talking with her but idk I miss her so much and we live together.. 😟

@e-o-1085 4 жыл бұрын

The wall has been up for 3 years, no talking, avoidance, how long is this going to be?

@olgasyulyukov7945 Ай бұрын

Same

@stuartmunro3164 3 жыл бұрын

So you’re saying give them space like no contact , let them come to you ?

@MonikaHoyt 3 жыл бұрын

Yes 👍

@davidwagle-pc3qu 4 ай бұрын

And when they don’t come?

@adarshraghuram7728 Ай бұрын

11 weeks since my wife disappeared and left me with a whole host of unanswered questions. At one point she'd lost her phone and i had to call the police because her parents stopped responding too. I always take care of my health so I don't worry about myself. The question that bothers me most is how could someone intentionally choose not to talk? This is heartless as it doesn't let me move on with my life with any degree of confidence either. I've done the time. I've taken responsibility for MY part without being unreasonable to myself. I've most politely requested what led to this and how could I have acted differently. 11 weeks and no answers. All I know is she felt extremely unsafe physically due to certain issues and I had to take the blame for not supporting. I realise now that offering solutions was apparently the problem. What should I do?

@MsI-yf4gj 24 күн бұрын

Sounds like you are more codependent? And she is more avoidant.

@eddevinen4465 3 жыл бұрын

Is 19 months giving up too soon?

@MonikaHoyt 3 жыл бұрын

It depends on the context and how long you have been together. Sometimes you have to let go first

@AnnieCherian-oh5sc 2 ай бұрын

He's not come ,he not talk he's more anger he help every thing and he's saying he not come he not hang on with me,he put wall,now just not talk text him only emergency

@jeremydees6103 11 ай бұрын

How to book a call

@MonikaHoyt 11 ай бұрын

Hello Jeremy! Have you had a chance to listen to my master class by chance? If not I can send you the replay and you could have a listen to that first and if that resonates we could book a call to chat with you, it's free just to see if we might be able to support you

@patfitz6098 8 ай бұрын

Kindly send me also the master class

@janetharrison6994 2 ай бұрын

Husband detached from me no reason just to cheat n lies nothing wrong with our love life told me i was best better than his 2 other wifes ? But been married 8 yrs 3rd marriage for him 2nd for me ? But flirts openly in frnt of me . Goes off n leaves me runs after orher women ? In stores or pubs leaves me alone n goes car pk with woman ?? If i say anything he calls me deliusional n mental . Ignoring me n hides phone n spending money on women ..

@PeterNorthsLeftTesticle 7 ай бұрын

Step 1: stop doing whatever it is that has made them build those walls in the first place.

@demetriuswilliams7166 7 ай бұрын

That’s easy to say but some people like myself are unaware of the damage that caused the walls to go up woman are very good at being indirect with their emotions

@AmyBaldwin-dc8ty 6 ай бұрын

Some walls are up from previous relationships and childhood trauma. My husband had walls because he was in a 10 year waaaay dysfunctional marriage before we started dating. His wife ended up having multiple Affairs, and one of their babies was from her affair partner. I literally could be the best partner in the world and he still has wall from the trauma.

@th3coolestkid 5 ай бұрын

@@AmyBaldwin-dc8ty 14 years. I had my walls up for years. She loved me and always chased. She always tried to bring them down and finally they did come down but now hers are up. She’s extremely cold, and the intimacy/affection is gone.

@AmyBaldwin-dc8ty 5 ай бұрын

@@th3coolestkid I'm sorry that's happened. I hope you guys can heal. ♥️

@melkerner 6 күн бұрын

may not even be something you did for them to build those walls - could be some trigger perpetuating from their childhood or previous relationship. Some people (avoidant) shut down and withdraw when you get close because they simply can't deal with their own feelings and vulnerabilities in relationship. Nothing you are doing wrong, just their inability to be vulnerable.