😂😂😂

Haha😂😂

Gold! lol

Lmao, I’m so using this 🤣

Hahaha, nice. I thought you was going to say "because they only think about themselves' xD

Yes, first I was losing my mind from this loneliness , from my unconscious patterns to stuck with ppl who do not give a sh*t about our relationship. Lately I started to feel okay being alone

@@mohammedessam4969 you’ll do well and you’ll get through it…. and you now have the chance for peace, to shine and be happy….there is light at the end of the tunnel 🙏 💕 🕊

​@mohammedessam4969 Yes being alone isn't the same as being lonely. During the first lockdown I didn't feel so lonely as I had detoxed from toxic and malevolent people. There is nothing worse than be surrounded by people who don't really see you and don't want to listen to you. Or they half listen to you and respond to what they thought thet heard or wanted to hear. I am sick and tire of having to explain everything three times because they didn't listen properly the first time.

That is very true

Wow, so true, thanks for the insight!

I understand completely only in my way. I can only hope you're doing well.

Sometimes that's the only way. You did good. I'm in a somewhat similar situation, so I can relate. I wanted to end my life too. It was too much noise and drama for me to handle. Instead, I just cut a lot of people off. They now know not to call me or approach me. My complete silence of not bothering with what they say or do finally paid off. I just don't respond or even look at them (if I ever come across them at a shopping center or some random public event...). They finally learned after 6 years that I'll get the law involved for harassment.

I too left country & eventually stopped contact. It saved my sanity. It took years to get over the guilt, but I am now at peace. 💗

I'm amazed at how well I understand, and hate that so many people relate to this feeling/story. I hate that realizing they were what was killing me (driving me toward suicide) is what saved my life. I'm also moving to another continent next year. Got a full legal name change too. I hope you're doing well. ♥

@@jasminewillingham4326 That is a huge move! Congrats on moving! Self love is my number one priority. I am doing ok

No, it's as difficult to understand color blindness if you're not afflicted by it. I have to watch the comparisons to understand the olive-colored (or pink-tinted) world they live in. Example: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/famBeJSGl6u1j2g.html

I agree it is painful to explain the toxicity because it is a taboo. I have been castaway when I am no longer needed and called when they need to validate their conscious. Enough is enough.

These are the same people who have decent to perfect families OR they’re submissive to their family abuse. At the end of the day, both ends lack empathy and consideration of your mental health

They're not your family. They are enemies who literally want to destroy your life.

AGREED!! They do not understand it. Or they dismiss the behaviors from their own family thinking that it's okay---behaviors that we wouldn't put up with. I always say, if you wouldn't let a stranger treat you that way, why should you let your family?

Wow! Yes!! (Time stamp around 10:00)

I literally just wrote it down. Such an accurate statement!

I came here because of this comment .. this is exactly what I experience on a day to day basis

My family is like that hypocritical, gossip about me.

@Commander Graham dealt with that too much. Plan to be self employed people just treat me worse than a piece of trash in most of my workplaces due to mental and physical health issues

Agreed

You have a point, however... I got rid of my narcissist psicopath father by writing him a one page letter and stating point by point why I was cutting ties with him. I don't care if he understood it or not but getting all that out of my chest felt GREAT, it was somewhat cathartic and therapeutic for me. After 10 years he got back to me asking for forgiveness because he had cancer and "had reflected on his life mistakes" (near death experiences usually change people's view of life). I decided to open "a channel of communication with him" while fully protecting myself (challenging, I know). I now see him as a sick man who had a terrible emotional upbringing and feel sorry for him. Unfortunately we don't get to choose our parents.

💯

That is such a great analogy. I find it amazing how many times I tried to reason with my mother, kept getting the same reaction and still went back for more. 2+ years now. Still pains me but there is no winning.

I will have to do it that way...A letter would put me at risk of receiving evil treatment and the worst guilt trip and talking behind my back that I can imagine or handle...

Yup

Thank you that is exactly it the hardest part is realizing that you never really had a family and they never loved you. It's 3 years of NC for me the best thing I've done but it doesn't change the fact that I never had a loving healthy family.

How long did it take you to accept that your family will never love you?

​@@Careabouttheimportantthings It took years. I had to realize that the abuse was abuse and I had never deserved to be treated as I was. The recently available books, videos and other resources on narcissistic parents were eye-opening.

@@EarInn Ok, thanks for your answer. What country are you from if I may ask? I ask because I might have experienced some narcisstic people but there were also excuses made because of "culture".

Cut off my family 40 years ago. Never looked back. No more upsets, or bullying. It felt like freedom.

Yes, when I moved 2 states away they had to find a new punching bag. I had to save myself. While waiting on my divorce they lured me back, didn't go well, had to leave and stay far to keep my kids from same demise. Try to connect with siblings occasionally but only for short events as I realize narcissism

and sociopaths run through my siblings, no hope for them now, I always feel worse about myself when I leave away from a visit.

@@nowuknow3964 Feeling worse about yourself after a visit is so important to notice. I had to be away for years to even notice that feeling...

I was the scapegoat...and I knew my absence would be too much for my narc mother and she eventually selected a new scapegoat victim.

@@nowuknow3964 this is my exact story! I go threw the same so I just visti to see mom. I won't go visit any one else! It is pointless and more harm to my self doing so

hit too close to home

Nope!

I burst out into tears when he said that. It really hit hard.

✔✔✔👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽

Yes, the reason for my falling out with my parents is because they just will NOT STOP calling me paranoid. I'm not paranoid.

Lucky you that you have a husband who will hold your hand... The rest of us have to make this difficult decision and face the heartache alone...

Good husband.

Can I ask a question? I'm sorry if this sounds too personal. But did your parents approve of your spouse? I really want to have hope for my future, in case they start to guilt trip me with culture & religion to have a say on my choices

@@blkgirlsarepengg5694 no they didn’t. But I’ve realized over time that we have different values and hold our morals to different standards. I hope you continue to know that regardless of what you do, you are not responsible for how your parents choose to respond. Their behavior is their own responsibility, and only they can be held accountable for that.

It’s beautiful that you‘re waking up to it. It‘s a huge win for you, although it feels like a loss. You‘ve got this, I believe in you.

Hugs of support. I get it.

How did you find those supportive people? I am not planning to cut off totally from my family, but keep a big distance. However, I need to change the types of friends. I think I start cutting off a certain kind of friends. For my family, I feel compassion when I know how things are.

Autumnpix Indian?

Meetup is a good app Also could find an abuse anonymous

@@sannajohanna5579 Sometimes you'll find someone willing to listen which is great, but I'm aware I have some friends just can't listen patiently as they don't get it. They see the surface level of family and that's all. They have no idea how damaging and non-repairable some people or events are. I have a group of friends each lovely in a different way. I have to remember which people can handle certain topics, because they may still be nice but not knowledgable in that specific area. I don't want to feel hurt by their shutting me down. I can be responsible to tell them how I feel by their response. Give them a chance to consider my view and take it from there. A good friend will try to understand or adjust... :) But I accept without insight I can't be too mad, a little sad but give them kudos for other things they do well. I LOVE it when I find someone who has been through similar things and totally relates!! That is so helpful. But we have to realise there aren't very many that you meet day to day. But a support group or online group also helps you see you're not alone.

@@wendywhoisit1819 My bad, I should have been more clear. I didn't mean to address anyone/everyone reading the post that they should separate from their family. I was definitely addressing members of abusive families. The video wasn't referring to simple differences of opinion and lifestyle between family members, it was referring to individuals who are in an abusive family system. In that context, showing patience and understanding to abusive and narcissistic people can cost you your happiness, health, and/or your life. At the very least, someone considering going no contact NEEDS TO GET DISTANCE AND ESTABLISH SAFTEY as soon as possible. If a person's family truly is abusive and narcissistic I would still advise them to go no contact. Even if those are the only people that he or she has in the world, being alone is better than being slowly drained and broken down over time until you are simply an empty, miserable shell of a human being. I have seen it many times so no, I am not exaggerating. And yes they are doing it on purpose...They do it in order to maintain control, and the odds of them ever stopping are effectively zero. I'm not talking about people with family problems and normal conflict. I am talking about abusive families. Please stay safe.

Wendy Whoisit Glad you’re not teaching the class.

Saved my life too. The sun came out -- finally. Yay!!! 25 years ago, best move of my life.

@@koolbeans8292 You clearly underestimate/don't understand what separating from people who love you for petty reasons can do to people. Sometimes it's too late to go back because people aren't around forever. You need to learn to tell difference between petty reasons and abuse. What is described in the video is clearly abuse. But it's important to point out that not EVERYONE should separate from their family because of small disagreements.

Wendy Whoisit Still glad you aren’t teaching the class. Duct tape helps. And a chair.

In my case it would be to verbally abuse daily until I'd go to my room in tears and then tell her friends how I am an over-emotional child. I learned how to bury my tears and hide my hopes and dreams inside my heart so they wouldn't be stomped on. It was a lonely time.

@@colleenwassell3132 wow! Soo relatable! Be your own kind of beautiful --love; people and parents like this are envious of us ACHIEVING our hopes and dreams! I was lonely my whole life, but I found comfort in it because I needed to start loving myself again and now I’m learning to.

“But they’re your parents.” Fuck friends off who say this. Fuck them right off, they’re not true friends and they’re not good to be around. Get new friends. Once you’re removed from all of that and you’re finally able to be your authentic self you will be very surprised at how easy it is to make new friends with people who are truly wonderful, joy inspiring people.

You forgot no food no water dirty clothes and strange school days followed by involuntary stays in mental wards followed by well that never happened. Yeah I've been there too but with no proof since juvenile records are sealed I can't sue the whole state for my PTSD life is an illusion.

The loneliest I've ever felt in my life was at family functions.

I can relate it just happened to be my mom and my dad killed himself cuz he couldn’t take it anymore I always would trip that shes all I have left but like you said We always been alone

Oh yeah I get that! 👏✋✌

Just a friendly reminder-- you are not alone. There are many of us who see you, hear you. Your tribe isn't always made up of your family-of-origin. Blessings from your Soul-Kin in Oakland, California!

Exactly

I’m with u .. I been so sad and hurt that I feel this way but it’s so toxic , dysfunctional, it’s effecting my mental health and emotional

me too... it is sad.

I’m in the same boat, my heart is with all of you. This is brutal but necessary. Sending love 💓

sometimes you have to do this for yourself and then they'll see what's important to you and if they care and love you for you then it will be important to them and will try to help you reach your goal.

Yes you do! 🙏🏽... I hope you find the peace you deserve

Hugs, hugs, hugs.

I just had an argument with the narcissist.Narcissists should be isolated as they are harmful to someone's sanity.What about placing them all in an island? I can't stand the trauma...Hope to be away from my toxic mother... Narcissistic parents can take away your confidence, independence and creativity....

@@lilac624 how old were you when you realized this

If the children come forth I have been open because it's the married into the family that are non toxic and the relationships are growing well.

I know what you mean time to get the bs away f ck them

I just cut my family off. Did they notice? No they didn’t, until that is, they wanted something like a birthday card/present.

@ Marla- Talk about a light bulb moment. How 'bout a 5 chandelier moment? 😊

Yep.

..."you just want attention" ...that sentence describes exactly their responses towards me. Why writing a letter? When I was young I thought no one understood me; it took me decades to admit no one did care to listen.

OMG@@LyrielonwindI didn't have that insight yet.. It's not that I can not be understood, it's that they never tried to🤯. Thank you sharing that insight! 🤯🤯

Wauw, It really resonates with me. It also hurts a little, but in a helpful way because it makes sense.

"because of your up bringing,you did a piss poor job of choosing friends" - ouch, why did you have say that? 😭😭😂

Good for you. How are things now?

Great inspiration. Thank you!!!!!!!

my family is SO INVESTED in obeying the Nutty relatives, I had to cut iff MORE THAN ONE!

my family FAILED to help on trash day.. then TRASHED ME ( I did it " wrong")! to cut them off is to WIN. Losing them is NO LOSS!!!!!

I’m 22 and want to cut off my dad. After those three years how did you guys start talking again? Did you initiate? Also, does the guilt ever die down?

@@hippieprincess I did not have any guilt. I was however very resentfull that I wasn't blessed with kind and caring parents. That took a while to come to terms with. I contacted her after family informed me she had done some big changes in her life. But I still have to keep my distance.

👊💙

I did when I was homeless, too. Actually that is the best time in your life you can do it. No stalking or crazy trials of getting back into contact can happen when they don't have your address. I hated being homeless but they didn't care about me. They just wanted to get money out of my situation and called me to threaten kill my cat or destroy the family piano I wanted to have. So I just got there once to pick up the most important things for me and I was gone forever to them. They tried to force me to get new contact by threatening to throw things away but I don't care about things anymore and the mails were kind of ignored by me. Just be strong and build up a new nice family! You can do this and it was the most healing time for me to live in my car/tent for some time just on my own. I read a lot and thanks to some friendships I made in the past I could get back into a home and overcome my new handicap that was the beginning of my misery. I started studying the Bible and I am sure that you will find your way back into an even happier life after this!

You are somebody right now; I hope you're rehoused soon 💟

Just think of it this way.. if you had a non crazy making family, would you be homeless? More likely you wouldn’t be. Take care of yourself now, so future Renee will thrive, not just survive. ❤️

Sending strength to current Renee, congratulations to future Renee, Renee you are amazing!

Boundaries are the best!! Congratulations for your strength!

👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 claps to you for choosing your peace !

Yaaaaaay!

Smart move!!! Congratulations 🎈🎉🎊🍾

Wise 👍

Gosh I'm so sorry you've had to deal with all of that, it sounds so tough. I hope you're doing well these days 💗

My situation got worse when my co-dependant father died. Everything accelerated, as before my father's death, he was the peace keeper and did whatever my mother told him. My siblings all panderef to my mother, and ganged up against me. They've now reeled in the extended family as well as family fritnds. I've been no contact for nearly two years now. So much relief but also guilt.

You seem very emotionally intelligent and clear headed. 😊

People can forgive, but that doesn’t mean you have to be in Relationship with that hurtful person. I’ve forgiven, but I cannot ever forget, or I’ll be right back to being their punching bag

I read this and said to myself I could’ve written it. Wow this hit close to home for me. thanks for this common and the explanation of your experience.

I did that today! Feels hella good 😊

Wish you the best on your better life!

I had dialed down my interaction with my parents to text only for about a year, and then I just texted less often and then stopped and.... they let me. Basically zero follow up from them. Almost spooky, but tells me what i need to know about how much each of us was putting into the relationship, cuz when i stopped trying, there weren't nothing there. 🙄

I had dialed down my interaction with my parents to text only for about a year, and then I just texted less often and then stopped and.... they let me. Basically zero follow up from them. Almost spooky, but tells me what i need to know about how much each of us was putting into the relationship, cuz when i stopped trying, there weren't nothing there. 🙄

Bible. Ephesians 6:4 [4]And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Honoring is about not doing things to hurt them or family reputation by doing bad unGodly actions, outside or in the home. Honor that they are your parents, but they are not entitled to abuse you for their purpose. They are abusing the word of God. They are not pleasing God with this type of abuse toward you.

Jesus was a hippie. He spoke against authorities and left society and his own family and said “who is my mother or father... these (points to disciples/friends) are my mother and father (my family)” Friends are my family too

I love Rabbi Danya's take on how that wasn't supposed to be a club to beat over children's heads and your mental health always comes first.

Ready to get mind blown? I’m big on learning the Hebrew roots of words, because I feel like it’s a more direct translation. The Hebrew meaning of the word commonly translated as honor actually means “to give weight to”. For years! I thought I didn’t “honor my father and mother” - I thought that my noncompliance to their abuse meant that. But reading the real meaning, I realized I had always given them weight... Too much so, because they are not of the light, and they are not of the God of Love. When my dad told me to kill myself, I considered it. When my mom told me in so many ways that I was worthless, I thought maybe she’s right. But then I realized God doesn’t see us that way, not even close. It breaks the heart of Spirit to see how parents murder their children with their words... If you have EVER been abused by your parents and it’s impacted you, you have actually given them weight. Once you realize they are not of the light, are not from God, you are free to release yourself from them... Do not let fear keep you imprisoned. Hope this helps. 💗 You are a child of God... You are loved... Even if it’s not from who you think it’ll be from, and even if it doesn’t happen in the way you expect, you will thrive. 🙏

@@thecannon3448 Yes! Thank you - I need to revisit that part of the story again, & hope it sinks in!...

I understand exactly. Another thing I’ve learned, they are not capable of love they don’t have it in them to give. Be thankful that you do and it’s not for nothing because it makes you the person you are today. Strong sincere and kind. Always choose love cause that’s who you are.

Thank you - that helps more than you know. Have a wonderful day

I feel exactly the same. I waited way too long to just end the misery. I was 59 years old before I decided I had enough. They were never going to change and I had to do the changing myself.

@@ruby-qv5bd never too late

Truth!! I feel this 💯% I've been NC for the 2nd (and final time) for almost a year and my life has improved SO MUCH! I feel like I can finally think clearly for the first time in my life. God has blessed me with an amazing husband and we are going to start a family of our own. And those poor toxic folks I used to call family will know NOTHING of our children. They don't know where I work, they don't know where I live. I have no social media anymore, so they cannot stalk me. They text me occasionally in but I do not respond. It's liberating!!!

Well you tried. You did what you could. And now you know and can feel good about you

I encourage you to do what's best for you!

I relate, I did a similar thing (unofficially) the pandemic helped and then I went back into the toxic situation & I got re-traumatized, huge setback in my emotional well being and physical health (gained 100 pounds) and now seeing the truth of the situation. Compassion for yourself, I think the education of what what really is happening is key to continuing to honor & respect healthy boundaries we make for ourselves.

@@YourSelfCare_Sophia Yes, understanding and education is key. Good for you that you figured out the toxic situation in your life. I sometimes struggle with the break-off from my family but I remind myself there are so many great people in this world to build healthy relationships with. Best of luck!

@no bot thank you for your comment! It's nice to know that you have spent some time in Asia I think child abuse is not often talked about in Asia because of several reasons, probably too many to list in 1 single comment. But if I were to narrow it down to 2 reasons, it would be 1) Children were taught that they owe their lives to their parents just by virtue of being born into this world. (Cos if the parents didn't give birth to them and give them basic needs, where would the children be?). So, if the parents were to abuse the children, the children will most likely feel guilty and find it difficult to speak up about the abuse. 2) Whatever happens in the household stays within the four walls of the household. It's considered shameful to air your family's dirty laundry to the world. And even if some other adults (neighbour, family friend, colleague) might have witnessed some kind of abuse happening to the children, some would keep quiet because it's "their family's business". Again, both reasons vary with a certain degree of context. I hope that one day, we can have a conversation about child abuse and child protection in Asia so that more survivors can come out, speak up and begin their healing asap.

@@idconfirm Thank you for speaking up your truth. I am from Asian and I can 100% relate. every word of it. I am thinking abt a family cut-off, it seems impossible. I guess what I am trying to say is that,its good to know that I am not alone.

I'm an African-Arab and I can relate to every single word you said, there are a lot of similarities between our cultures. I have a very toxic and abusive family, My question to you as someone who already took this experience, how have you dealt with the guilt feeling of leaving your family because only thinking of taking the decision of the " cut Off" I feel guilty already? its like I'm abandoning them despite all the bad thing they did and still doing to me. (sorry English is not my first language)

Leave. There is peace and happiness out there. Believe in yourself and go forward. Do not let your mind put you back

That sounds really tough. I can't imagine what it must be like for strangers to make a judgment on what kind of daughter you are based only on where you live.

One year later, still no contact!

@@endangeredarchitecture Good for you! I overcame life-long issues once I finally went No Contact. It was the only way to heal.

Good for you!! I felt pretty immediate relief also. It's not selfish, it's self preservation. You can't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. Stay strong and discover how sweet life is without the negativity, toxicity and chaos.

Congratulations:)

I’m about to do that as well as an only child of narc parents. I just got told I was cut out of the will!

Inspirational! Going through this myself atm. Thank you.

As a targeted individual involved in a similar family dynamic, this truly resonated with me. Thanks for sharing your wisdom!

Yes my cousin hurt me and then when I reacted my family made it seem like I'm the problem that I need to see a psychologist. Just wow.

It's a variation on gaslighting. and flying monkeys. Everyone gets bamboozled.

I get you. Big hugs

@kbail Similarly, it was my wife that initiated true boundaries with my mother and us. I was used to avoiding or caretaking her to dodge the worst reactions... and was just used to our toxic, codependent relationship. No healthy partner is going to want to share their life with that. It was scary for me, to push back, to say "no, you need to knock on my house door before coming in at 11pm, unannounced". Or simply expressing emotions... It didnt go well because she wasn't the center of everyone's world and didnt have control anymore. That is why she has avoided and made zero effort to be apart of her grandchildren's life. But of course in her mind, we're the mean ones and shes the victim. Because theres an expectation to be kind and respectful.

Some parents are so selfish. They have kids not because they wanted to raise them healthy but because of their selfishness. Using kids for their sake once they will be grown and be able to provide something,then they milked money from them by telling them how they suffered to raise them and so on. It's really common in African and Arabic culture. It's sad but this is the reality.

well..........thats cool an all ....but watch out for the generational repeating hiccups (they come in the form of ...oh-my-ghaa-!?!- my- mother-usta say-THIS-to-me too) .............just sayin

Thank you xox

I agree

I agree. In some cases it adds more fuel to the fire.

Great advice, I wish I'd known more 10 yrs ago when I went no contact. Visit me here, everyone is welcome.

Yes!! See my comment (written before I read yours)

@@AK-yx3qf Agree 100%. Every situation is so different, I sent a letter to each family member, same letter, explaining exactly why I was leaving, that I still loved them all, and they were welcome to visit me anytime with a call in advance. Nothing. 2 yrs later my younger brother called, said it wasn't the same without me. They had no one to ridicule anymore. Told him I wasn't coming back to their family gatherings regardless. He said he loved me, I said the same, not a peep from any of them since. 2 yrs ago, learned by accident, my only living grandmother had passed 2 months prior. Nobody notified me of sickness, death, funeral, nothing. We had been close. Attended her church many times on holidays, all of my other grandparents funerals. It crushed me they could be so cold. So here I am. I'll be hoping that you will get that distance you need to make things more clear, and be more free to move on and find peace. Take good care.

Well said. Good for you. You made it.

Congrats so happy things have improved exponentially for you. This is really encouraging.

That is beautiful!

that's really encouraging to read, happy for you. I just cut off my entire family and the pain is so real.

beautiful thank you. such an inspiration.

You give them understanding, compassion, and acceptance and it's not good enough. That's not what they want. You give them HELL (at the cost of your soul) that's validation! They somehow feel superior. It feels like black mail to contribute to the madness.

In that cycle for 30 loooong years. Break the ties now. NEVER move back close geographically as I stupidly did. Wasted decades of my life. Learn from my forgetful optimism!

I get called Selfish all the time because sometimes I just don't want to do things, I'm not in the mood to do them for other people. But when I do things for people they seem to forget and want to bring up times that I don't do things for them. I got to the point where I was tired of being used and having things pushed off on me everybody assumed I would just do it last minute.

And then they slander you behind your back calling you "selfish" for leaving them. There is no winning and no closure with these perverse, phony and spiritually backwards people.

I hear you.

@Anon Anon are you able to email or text

Heard stuff from the horses mouth keep him away he is no good

Good 😅😅same here

100%. Same goes for my father while I was still trapped in my late teens-early 20s. After every abusive episode (literally every day) I would threaten him that if he doesn't change, "I will take mom's inheritance and leave" (my mom had passed away, so my father was dealing with his abandonment issues by trying to keep me to himself. He would become worse and worse. I couldn't figure out how the probability of losing his child for ever couldn't improve the situation! Years later I found this amazing article about toxic family members that explained the phenomeno: You can't understand the true depth of those people's toxicity until they realize they are about to lose all control by you walking away.

I agree, it's much better to cut them off suddenly and completely in order to save yourself.

Yes absolutely. My mother went through the court and got visitation with my kids in her rage. Legal letters left, right and centre. It was a disaster. I learned my lesson that it is much safer to simply slip away.

My conclusion is it’s better not to say anything. Just walk away. Disappear.

yesss when it happens i literally feel a lil squeeze in my heart and sadness deep in my stomach ):

It does hurt but in the long run it will just be better.

Yes, it is absolutely crushing 😿

You can do it! I hope you are doing well in your journey :)

How did you support yourself as a teenager living alone?

Your situation is very similar to what I'm dealing with right now. Happy to hear it gets better and there's a chance for me

Same thing with me. Older brother (big age gap) took advantage of me and my innocence. It took years for me to finally figure out what happened. Everyone turned on me instantly when I spoke up. I am in the process of going no contact right now. Absolutely No support. I lost so much in this “family”. I have only seen the base of the mountain of hurt they have caused and have a long way to climb.

I am 65yo. My mother died 5 years ago, and I thought I was finally free. I had cut her off for a while, and then tried to have a mature relationship. Last time I saw her, she was screaming at me, telling me that I was "useless." Her screams, as I walked the length of the hospital ward to leave, still echo in my head. Since then, I have discovered she created a family system, and though I was loyal to my siblings, it was completely unrequited. I wish I had done what you did. Sometimes we are given two terrible choices. It is wrong to think there is a good choice. I am reminded of my first daughter... She was going to die. My choice was to chose sooner than later. It is still a terrible choice... If I knew then, what I know now, I would have done the same as you. I was functionally alone anyway. No amount of effort would change anything.

@@fredhubbard7210 it took many many many years to walk away from all of it. We all make decisions. There’s no fault in any decision. You make the best decision you can at time, with the information you have. We don’t know how things will turn out. We have to change the things that hurt us. If walking away saves you even now, save you!

I struggle with what someone commented above "still grieve the relationship I’ve always wanted to have with them." I always have this anxious feeling of missing out on the 20s (which is no much time left of) with the family member. But I just remember how poorly I was treated by them. They are seemingly behaved now and apologised sincerely a while ago. However I just cannot bring myself to continue a normal relationship. It just doesnt feel right. I still notice some narcissistic things they say and it triggers.

Who Cares I hope youre recovering well. Im here if you need to talk. Mine are the same. I got very ill 2 weeks ago and i thought it was covid. My fever spiked so bad that in my head I actually started accepting this was it for me. My body chills were so bad that my body was spasming. All my mother could say was “thats what you get”

@@MR-kt1vx You got the ordinary flu which doctors are being PAID to call "COVID", along with any other illness that has a fever. Most people nowadays are allergic to logic and truth so I'm sure the narcs aren't too worried. Just look at all the mindless fools who have fallen for the "elite" communist tryants' "Covid 19" psyop. They don't even realize that TV is nothing but nonstop mind control and propaganda. Create the Problem, Get the desired Reaction from the unthinking public, Implement the pre-planned Solution which will be FAR FAR FAR worse than the fake virus which is nothing but the common flu in drag. People are so incredibly dumb, even people who have been abused by garden variety narcopaths, whom you would think had a clue by now. They can't take the same knowledge and apply it to corrupt and power hungry billionaires who bribe and control politicians and OWN the mainstream media!!

Yes, understand. I know people are busy, but not once have they bothered , even to call and ask if l've been spared from. this pandemic...Actions speaks volumes.

@ Britt Nicole , sorry for hearing that. It's really shows that they were never concerned about your well being instead of using you for their purpose. Stay strong and please give yourself a good reward by releasing all the pain and hurts that they caused to you.

@@MR-kt1vx Wow, your mother's the worst. Gone no contact?

This is a very supportive message. Thank You! I'm 52 and on the tail end of the closure before the final cutoff with my Mom. I appreciate your encouragement.

Me too guys, me too. I can just taste the freedom. My body needs the relief from the stress. Ugh! Almost there thank God.

@@kims2963 I wish you well my friend.

Yep yep! 👍🏻✨

I'm so happy you finally did it! I am glad I did it 2 years ago. I find myself grieving about it sometimes, but it's more grieving for what I never had. For anyone else thinking about it, just keep that in mind - you're grieving what you never had, not the family you cut off. I am so much happier with out their toxic crap.

Hang in there Aileen... I've dealt with dysfunction all my life in my "crazy" family. I came to the realization years ago to be your own person and make your own decisions, regardless of what "family " thinks of them... Just because they are "family", does not give them the right to treat you with disrespect. I have an older brother that I'm currently dealing with that has that attitude of entitlement, and when we don't see eye to eye, and I call him out on his lies and BS, he goes into "insult" mode and puts you down. I have a past mistake that I made two years ago, that he continues to this day, to throw in my face and remind me of it.... I've gone "no contact" recently and that seems to help. Remember, that SELF care is important for us all and we are not "DOORMATS" for them to wipe their feet on....... ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!!!!!!

@@Kevin-py7hb thank you for reaching out and sharing/ relating, it’s wild because I got this notification right after getting my feelings crushed today, ONCE MORE from my younger brother. And you saying about your dealings with your brother 🤯 your timing was impeccable😭. Ever you said is on point Thank You 🙏🏽 Like you said I can’t call him on anything without him going ghost on me. Not even a discussion, a disagreement that we can vent on he just drops me and goes ghost typical narcissistic behavior he wants to punish me for holding him accountable, he has me allll the way fucked up! Sending you positive vibes Kevin! We are strong, resilient and intelligent not crazy. ! All we can do is pray for them. Take care of yourself. And thanks again for your kindness.

@@aileenramos3057 You're welcome. I just happened to come across your comment after watching the video on YT and had to respond to your comment. It really sucks that we are both in a similar situation with our siblings.. Mine is older and yours is younger. How much younger is he than you? Ever since I've gone "temporary no contact" with him, my anxiety levels have gone down somewhat. He just became too verbal with all his "hateful and demeaning words" via text messages that I said, I"M DONE.... I also have been watching a lot of helpful videos to try to understand what is narcissism and other types of mental disorders. I have a few names for you to check out on YT. (1) Dr Carmen Bryant (2) Lisa A Romano (3) Dr Les Carter / Surviving Narcissism. these are just a few names that I've been following and watching in the past few months... I'm getting a better perspective on how "these toxic" people operate... Stay strong Aileen and always take your feelings into perspective. SELF care is always our #1 priority in life. How we react to these types of situations is very important.... We can't change the behavior that is thrown at us, but we CAN control how we react to it... God Bless... Hope some of the information I provided will help you somewhat...

Literally the same over here in my world. When I told them how I really felt I was called a slut, whore, and a drug addict (I have to take pain medication occasionally for bad migraines) by my father and mother. They threatened to come to my house, beat up my husband, call CPS on my kids, etc. It was like a light switch went off! My God, these people are crazy and they'll never change.

It's true! A true test of whether or not someone loves you is how they respond to your boundaries. Acceptance should be the bare minimum you receive, not a goal for you to achieve.

My mom just tried to get my husband arrested and threatened to call CPS. She said she said she will do anything to protect herself. This was all I because I told her I was scared of her and that she didn't respect my boundaries with my kids.

My mom showed her true colors when I simply and politely asked her to not call me a name. She got defensive and angry and said she was just joking. She got even more angry when I said that didn't matter. Such an angry response to something so small. I can't imagine what she's going to do when I send a letter.....

Beautiful

Right there with you. Did same!

Can you elaborate a little on HOW you "mothered" yourself? I think it could help me.

@@LaughingGemini do you have a picture of yourself when you were super young? Could you mother that child? What would you do for her/or him? How would you protect if you could, from this point on? Learn to give yourself the" benefit" of the doubt first. Build your trust up within, that you listen to gut before someone or something else.

Religion & the church leaders only make things worse.They peer group pressure us into helping both financially & physically the family members that treated us like crap

It's really hard. I'm going through my cut off right now and it is so soothing to know that i still have a father but the one in heaven.

As a patient I can say please don't stop. I can't tell you how reassuring it can be to hear that 1. you're not the only one who experiences that (it can even happen to your therapist = its not because of me) and 2 that your therapist does indeed know, to some extend, what your going through and has some personal experience with that. (Not to say that I'm happy that you experienced it, but when you are in that situation you are just glad to have somebody with you, who is on familiar turf). Especially for people who have vulnerability issues and a hard time opening up during sessions, revealing something of yourself can really alleviate a bit of their inner power struggles. I've needed a long time to come to terms with the power dynamic in the sessions and even now I can reach a point where I feel cornered. But especially in the beginning I had a big problem with the fact that I was supposed to open up my deepest, darkest most hurtful thoughts and experiences to her while she wouldn't even answer to the light question of "How are you?". It felt so unfair and I really didn't like the imbalance in power and vulnerability(especially since it doesn't come very naturally to me). So that was my thought on it, I mean you're the expert but I thought that might be an interessting insight on a patient's perspective and how some might see your vulnerability and why it can be so valuable to express it towards them. Especially since this is usually something someone won't tell you until they are in a place to actually express vulnerability themselfs. Most of us really value those moments of vulberability you show us. It's an honour. Thank you! Keep going and watch your boundaries. -Vanessa

I just had an argument with the narcissist.Narcissists should be isolated as they are harmful to someone's sanity.What about placing them all in an island? I can't stand the trauma...Hope to be away from my toxic mother... Narcissistic parents can take away your confidence, independence and creativity....

@xtine debeeck How did you keep them from filing missing report with police so they don't end up tracking you?

@@Khalil-pw1ec am an adult. And so they are. Do you have that problem?

I did before and am an adult

I'm in that boat, too. I am done. What a relief.

They want you back so someone else doesn't have to become the family Whipping Post. They have to put the blame for their own faults on someone and if you aren't there, they can only shift so much blame on you, some things just become far too obvious to onlookers that it's not you who is the problem. Of course, most people nowadays are allergic to logic and truth so I'm sure the narcs aren't too worried. Just look at all the mindless fools who have fallen for the "elite" communist tryants' "Covid 19" psyop. They don't even realize that TV is nothing but nonstop mind control and propaganda. Create the Problem, Get the desired Reaction from the unthinking public, Implement the pre-planned Solution which will be FAR FAR FAR worse than the fake virus which is nothing but the common flu in drag. People are so incredibly dumb, even people who have been abused by garden variety narcopaths, whom you would think had a clue by now. They can't take the same knowledge and apply it to corrupt and power hungry billionaires who bribe and control politicians and OWN the mainstream media!!

Definitely. I wasn't prepared for all the OTHER family members I would lose after going No Contact with 2 my birth mother and stepfather, because they were all drinking their KoolAid. That gutted me almost more than having to break from parents. It was so painful and I wasn't prepared for the suicidal feelings to come back either. I'm fine now, by the way, but it was brutal in the aftermath. One by one I could feel the family dynamic shifting as the toxicity and lies were spreading. I finally realized, those are not my family and never were. They never saw me for me or loved me unconditionally. I don't need them. Better off without me. Now I can be free to be me without criticism or belittling or conditions. I am slowly finding my real family and it's beautiful.

@@reesedaniel5835 I’ve seen some who compared the narcissistic tactics of media and whatnot with that of their family system, but not many. Like you say, it’s quite strange. But I guess not really. Look how many people cut off their abusive parents while continuing to live with an abusive spouse who acts just like them. I don’t understand why you’d want to be free from one situation and proceed to be enslaved by another. Bizarre.

Yeah I think a letter just fuels their fire because they have to push back against any boundaries and saying "do not contact me" is a huge boundary. They take everything as a slight and offense so to them this would be the biggest one.

Same here. A letter is pointless when they don't care. My family would think I'm seeking attention.

They hate you because you broke free and they cannot control you. They hate themselves too. A happy person doesn't go around making other's lifes miserable. It's not you, it's them. You cannot understand it because you're an empath; they are not but they get the best fuel out of empaths. Like vampires.

@@Lyrielonwind - What exactly IS this fuel they get out of Empaths?? I feel like if we can stop giving it, the Vampires will stay away...

@@SandiiCom Fuel is whatever emotions they can get from abusing you; anger, confusion, suffering...any reaction. They emotional vampires. They need to control you and that's why indifference hurt them the most. That's why the grey rock method works but the best is no contact and not having any information about your life if possible. That's why you have to get rid of the flying monkeys. They are their little helpers. Somo of them don't even know they are being used as tools.

Compassion for you, I think you left for valid self preservation reasons. Otherwise, you wouldn't have done that. I love how Patrick has journal exercises to help you remember, because he says and I agree that your inner child forgets -- I think you are really saving yourself from more toxic abuse, and the grief is the double edge sword that doesn't make it easy. But what a huge act of self love for yourself.

I want an advice plz! I distanced my self and really felt like i was healing but then i came back to take some stuff from my family house and forget why i was angry in the first place. I forget and i think i delayed my healing. Is there a way to get back on track?

@@mandolaa4855 that forgetting is part of the trauma. Our brain wants us to survive. The trauma of abuse can destroy us. So our brain makes us forget what is dangerous, as a self-preservation strategy. But now that you are on your healing path, it is important to remember why you walked away, and should remain away. The family may also love bomb you into coming back. If you return, you will get stuck deeper. Start journaling your memories with details. Add more details as you remember. Observe how they make you feel. Observe how you feel away from them. Just get the stuff you need for once, and never ever go back. Do things you always wanted to do, but they prevented you.

@@purvamandlik4696 thank you for your advices! 🙏

Rachel R McBryan i had to check that this wasnt an old comment that i wrote. You literally described me. I don’t drink. Dont smoke. My mother is very ignorant and uneducated. Has no hobbies so she fills her day with talking badly about others. I just told her straight up one day to quit speaking ill of those who werent there to defend themselves. She stopped inviting me to say .. the grocery store or to run errands. My sister loves gossiping with her so she’s become the golden child. Any time I bring up an intellectual conversation, my mother tells me to “quit filling your brain up with things that don’t involve you”. Anytime I ask her for an embrace, she says im “bothering” her... going to go no contact after today. Since last night she kicked me out, telling me I’d never find any support other than from those under her roof.

Thats what I did. My goal was to act with as much personal integrity as possible, which meant to clearly - in a non-blaming, non-dramatic way, state what I needed in the fewest of words. Most of my family of origin ended up dropping me over a few years. I didn’t have to write any letter. After I changed the way I thought, my self love and compassion now included MYSELF- not my family and friends at my expense . The narcissistic people self selected when the realized there was no more supply from me. They quit coming around. They quit inviting me. Some aggressively broke with me over shockingly petty events. Im over 60. It took me a long time to come to terms with all of this. I accept the grief. This video is excellent advice. I do think, if you change yourself, you won’t have to write that letter in many situations. You will be adamantly changed and those changes will become repulsive to the dysfunctional system without any extra effort from you.

@@CristinaAcosta you know... I think my most recent boyfriend did the same thing to me... he broke up with me because I had boundaries. Its like toxic people repellent.

@@CristinaAcosta Thank you for sharing your story and the helpful advice. I think a letter/break is for people who are so miserable that they need time to focus on themselves and decide what to do. But sometimes people have had enough time to realize that their parents won't change and have grown strong and not wanting to put up with it anymore. So they either know they need to just cut off and they do so quietly because a cut off letter can just invite more drama and backstabbing and hurt, etc., or they feel comfortable having limited engagement with their parents and asserting their boundaries and this type of parent can't stand that so IMO it either leads to very short and superficial conversations or to the place of cut off eventually anyway, or like you said, the parents can't stand having boundaries or being called out on their behavior so they are the ones who cut the contact way back. I know that in my own personal life, I moved far away and did what I wanted and my parents seemed to lose interest in me because I wasn't always at their beck and call or engaging in fights and drama with them like I did when I was younger and had to live with them. I had younger siblings who were adopted when I was in college and they became the new focus of my parents' attention and drama source, sadly. I am now nearing 40 years old (!) and one of those younger siblings got married and pregnant and the other apparently lives with his girlfriend and her family most of the time (he is 18 but still in high school) and so I think they have a lack of sufficient drama or supply because they have been up to their old tricks again, trying to be demanding and controlling of me and acting like we are so close that I should just jump when they want to talk, etc., whereas in the past I would only see or talk to them a few times a year but now they are wanting weekly video chats. When I tell them no because I'm busy, they escalate and try to lecture and bully me into paying attention to them and doing what they want. In the meantime I have gone through a lot of therapy and done a lot of research so that intellectually I am able to understand my family of origin and upbringing although this is the first time I have really had to put things to the test in a long time because my parents had mostly been ignoring me because I wasn't that interesting to them. Now that they want something new (again) and shiny or have no other sources of supply and must have noticed and been bothered my absence all of a sudden, I am dealing with the emotions that come with trying to enforce my own boundaries and stand up for myself and I am seeing if they can handle it or if I will have to cut them off. So far it is not going well. The more I resist, the more they push. I have not wanted to cut off and have always tried to maintain some relationship with them but sometimes I wonder why because they have really mistreated me throughout the years and are so selfish and make everything all about them. I start to think I will have some peace if I have to cut them out of my life, although it will also be sad and I'm sure I'll question if I did the right thing. I'm in the stage of trying to make sure I have enforced boundaries and stood up for myself but if that doesn't work then it will be freeing to just concentrate on my own life and my own family unit without having to worry about them or deal with their constant drama or attempts to control me. Best wishes and thank you again for sharing, I found it helpful. I don't think I will send a letter like this to my parents even if I do a cut off because it will just fuel the flame more and is quite frankly more than they even deserve if they can't listen to and respect my simple requests for boundaries. If anything I will likely message/text my dad back and tell him I have told him my boundaries many times but he can't respect them, so don't contact me again. And I will block all avenues of contact so that I don't have to hear his awful reaction to that. (Luckily I live 2,000 miles away so hopefully it is just a matter of blocking means of long distance communication.)

@@anitaharris9243 You said, " I think a letter/break is for people who are so miserable that they need time to focus on themselves and decide what to do." Everyone has to decide for themselves how they want to "cut off" the toxicity. And for some, writing a letter and sending it can be very healing ONLY if there are NO expectations involved, and the sender doesn't care how it is received including if it went straight to the trash can. At that point, the sender of the letter HAS moved on. I can assure you, sending a letter does NOT make one "miserable." It is to each his own and everyone's situation is unique on some level. I wish you healing.

Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I'm cheering you on.

You must've taught her some semblance of boundaries. You get a little credit there yourself for her being able to see what's up. :)

@@wordivore thank you ♥️

Your daughter sounds amazing and you sound like a great mom. :) I know it's hard but you did the right things. Good job.

You are so lucky you have your child. I don't think it's all in teaching them well though. (I'm sure you did but, I also think it's something in the brain wire (from studies I've read). I taught my children well and even cautiously warned of my Mom. My kids got sucked in and I also wonder if it's from the brain wire- biological (I married a narc- go figure, you know, like my Mom) Anyway, they got "it". So, I got away from that husband, didn't understand Mom narcness until too late. Then kids? Such sadness. My heart is broken. You just have to run from these narcs when you finally know. But yet, how can a person run from their children or grandchildren. Just so broken hearted.

I agree. Do not send a note. That will make them happy because people like that thrive on drama. I stopped calling my mother because whenever I called her she'd answer the phone in a way that seemed she was expecting me to start a fight with her. She has this image of me that she conjured up in her head that is so ugly and wrong. It's terrible. She favors my sister. My sister could do terrible things to my mother and she will forgive her. But me, nothing I could do is good enough.

Yes it's hard because we essentially become adult orphans. And this world is not the same place it was even 20 years ago. This is a time when it would be great to have a strong family support system, which of course, we don't have and never really had to begin with.

@@reesedaniel5835 I feel the same way.