Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on KZfaq. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on KZfaq. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/

I cant believe we get all this information for free. Thank you Alan

You are literally saving my life.

There's no need to apologize for the length of the video, Alan. The fact that it's available in video format means that we can watch it over and over, and in small digestible bits. It's good that you've put all this information in one place.

You are an earth angel. To be so selfless and to give so freely your authentic desire to help those suffering is beyond appreciated. In just one week of rewriting my story, your videos have propelled into a new dimension of understanding. So much love and gratitude to you and for the guidance you give.

Absolutely the best on KZfaq hands down undisputed heavy weight king of trauma videos 👑

I have attachment issues, and every time I fall in love, I experience a huge trauma. Even if the girl loves me back, I always love her so much more that it is creepy and weird. I hate this.

I think I'm healing by talking to a therapist who is helping me to quit putting others at the center of my existence and center myself. I'm doing conscious contact and weaning myself away by exercising my muscle of focusing on here, now, and being glad for what I have.

16:00 13 things healing depends on 39:00 How to heal 47:15 Book recommendations

Alan, what your are sharing in these videos offers a lifeline to people, like me, who feel they are drowning in solitude and sadness. "May all beings be free from suffering and the causes of suffering." (Buddhist teaching) May your life be blessed, Alan, as your life blesses others.

Take notes, people. Take notes.

Awesome. I am now going to my 5th therapist. None of them explained this to me. I think this helps me understand, why I get some of my emotions.

After giving my heart and soul to a man for five years, he literally left me. Gave me so many reasons why, i'm sitting here in pain, i can't move, eat , breath. The person that i thought was my best friend, is now my worst enemy. I've got to learn to breath, and detach and heal. this is the hardest thing i have ever experienced.

He’s exactly right: It’s about ‘becoming’ a whole person, having missed primary attachment, basic needs, developmental platforms and so on. This is my experience and, as an adult, having to work to develop an emotional and psychological structure which lay fallow due to early neglect.

1 hour and not one boring minute. I am very thankful for this. Complex thoughts can‘t be compressed in 20 min. Still, you delivered the complex information in an easily understandable way.

30 years ago, I saw a therapist thinking that a few sessions would do it and that I could move on to the next girlfriend. The joke was on me in the end, you find out that no relationship can give it to you if you haven't found it in yourself. At best, the relationship acts as a mirror for your unfinished business and hidden beliefs. I Am, prior to all qualifications which are merely judgments or points of view.

I have dealt with this trauma so long that my immune system have been compromised and i am now 35 and on dialysis. So im grateful for this channel

I’ve been surrounded by toxic people my entire life. I cannot wait to start my new life without them. I’m really proud of myself because I’ve figure a lot of this out on my own, that is being presented. It also leaves me with the understanding that change is a choice. I chose to seek information to improve and those who came before me had the same opportunity. I will not make excuses for anyone.

I'm really glad that i found this video. i want to say thank you very much for making this video. It took me 6/7 years to realise I have attachment trauma. I've been living without my family since i was 15. All this years, I thought I am an independent person and I've been doing fine without love of my family. In past, I've projected my issues to my ex gfs, partners. This video made me realise I need to work on myself a lot more. Thank you.

Some of us are so exhausted by trying to figure ourselves out over the years (I'm talking major research, watching videos, reading, etc) that it's hard to concentrate. We look for comments for others that go through the same thing, so reading comments can also be distracting. Also, sadness can be distracting. I'm thankful for when you slowed down and explained what we're feeling so we can relate, and talk to us like friends, and making it simpler to process. I've read more psych research than I care to admit and it's so tiring. So many of the videos are therapists being interviewed about disorders that they lack major understanding of and they're parroting the same crap we can find from Google. You're doing it the right way by giving us examples of what we actually FEEL. Thank you for your excellent work.

I think this is the most down to earth, human channel of psychotherapy I found on youtube until now. I watched a lot of videos regarding the same topics on various channels and I can honestly say most of them did more harm than good for me. This one it's literally giving perspective and useful, applicable advice. The inner child talk video really calmed down a lot of my anxiety. Thank you so much for the help!

This is extremely accurate and up to date with current advances in neurology in relation to psychology.

You start by being willing to sit with the pain and feel it, then doing what has to be done if anything, and being true as best you can.

You are amazing...this helps so much, I'm hopeful that I can finally get over the trauma living most of my life with the abuse from two persons with narcissistic personality disorder.

I'm 49 years old... And the ending to this video has me in tears... I've keep myself so isolated for so long.

I once helped someone out of her dysfunction by simply encouraging her to be true to herself over and over and over again.

I have to pause your video and Express to you how blown away i am in your profound ability to articulate the nature of my ailment...suspending my unbearable pain for a moment, so that I may try to absorb with every bit of my intellectual ability what you are saying ...my. life depends on it ...while my life experience has shown that I can endure a level of suffering from EXACTLY what you so beautifully articulating in a way that is almost cathartic as I have never been able to do so, I really am reaching the point where may need for the pain to end ...and thus far drawing closer to the realization that it may be terminal and I may have no other recourse but to take matters into my hands and self terminate ...i want to thank you already from the bottom of my heart for the help ..the tremendous help of lighting a path which I had no reference for as it feels as it would be like a child lost in the woods, perpetually nighttime with mo guide or hell to find his way out...I look forward to putting into action ANYTHING you may reveal..... Most gratefully WILLIAM

Now, Just Here In this body, Feeling and sensing Not running after Not running away Just Being Aware Nothing to know, Nothing to do Nothing to fix I am at peace.

Thank you Alan. I've been researching into my own mind, since 2003. Most of the things on your list, I have touched on & have become familiar with, but, you're the only person who has put in concisely & clearly on KZfaq for all the world to see. It's a long journey, & thank you again.

Excellent!! It’s like you are reading my mind. I am almost 51 and w/ my family medical history, there’s not much time left. 😱 I want so much to learn 📚, wake up 👀, grow ⬆️, mature 👵🏻, evolve 🌌 and heal. As a self diagnosed Attachment Trauma- ed SLDD ADD GAD Co-Dependent, no matter what I do, I feel 🚫**stuck**🚫 ... when I try to get outside help = denied!! Doesn’t help being indigent. Will check my local library for more resources. ♥️ Love your free videos!! ♥️

This is good advice that counters all of the "no contact" advice from other purported relationship therapists on KZfaq. Like you said, everyone 's life experience isn't the same, so naturally the solutions to their unique situations will be individualized and not a "step one, step two" fix. There can also be degrees of attachment. A person can be mostly preoccupied anxious but slightly fearful avoidant.

Wonderful analogy of parenting your children!! That really made sense to me. As a parent of 2 children myself, I do my best to put into place all that I can to mitigate harm/suffering and to foster good wellbeing. Then I stay flexible and respond to each novel situation with the most care and consideration I can muster, to attend to their needs and of course I do this with depth and compassion. I will apply this to myself from now on. 🙏🏻❤️

Thanks for sharing, it is a really painful process. You are literally saving my life.

Alan,you are a treasure.I cried through the whole video because it was like you were talking to me. I had been searching for this answer for so long.I'm stuck at shame. However I try to love and be empathetic to myself,I feel a lot of shame for simple mistakes and past failures.Can you please talk about letting go of shame? I know it comes from attachement trauma from my narcissistic mother and being shamed unnecessarily.My life would be so much better if I could let go of the shame.Please consider giving your perspective on shame.God bless you for giving out this wonderful information.

Thank you so very much for your healing info ❣️It feels like I'm being filled with safety. I can move on from so much abuse my heart is literally healing with every video of yours I watch.

Dear Alan, this video was really reassuring for me that I am on the right path in healing. Two years ago I made a serious commitment, and from that moment, I was doing it continously, although the first year was hell... but I learned that when so much pain comes up, it is good in a sense that it can manifest, it has time to really show itself, and I have the opportunity to understand it. I made a lot of bad decisions, but ultimatley I am now at a stage to really get myself, my needs. I recently have a dream about meeting my child self, and I felt a loving, caring kindness and gratitude towards this gentle creature, I can still remember her eyes. I am still facing some scary moments of handling money, and also I still get really scared and nervous when it comes to romantic interest, but I have strategies now to deal with that. The world really needs to become a more self-consious space... and you gave me a really good idea to my contact improvisation workshop I am about to give. Thanks! :)

Alan, you are truly one of the best out there. Bless you. I recently have tapped into my childhood attachment wound. Oddly, I accidentally cut myself with a knife...it really hurt. Somehow, I realized that I never allowed myself to feel my suffering in childhood. The pain is still there after all these years and it took the blade of a knife to give myself permission to feel sad for myself. I just wanted to share this with you and others who might benefit from the odd ways we can tap into very old trauma. This video found me just at the right time, so I could pull these feeling and memories together.

You have said some things I have never heard before...WOW! I"ll be sharing your links and videos. Thank you for all your work.

I love you so much. My therapist is on vacation for a month and I'm learning SO MUCH while she's gone lol.

All of this info has been relevant to my healing journey. Alan knows specifics and says them like none else! My biggest challenge was my family and my cousins. They don't know anything else but to treat me badly.

Thank you so much! Also, thank you for the references to other materials to help set us free! BLESS YOU!!!

Your channel is and has been such a resource for me over the years, I cannot even explain it. I feel that I always have this safe place on the internet to come when my abandonment wound is inflamed. Much gratitude to you Alan!

This is probably the greatest thing ive ever seen or heard. It explained soo much!!!! I have a path now, hope, in control. Thank you.

Excellent information!! I am grateful that you took the time to put this video together! ❤️

Alan you are a very good person. Thank you for taking so much time to help others. You are saving lives and relieving so much pain for us.

Hey I really want to thank you for these videos. I’ve been going through grief from a really nasty break up and I’ve been trying find peace in it. Uve really hit home for a lot of things and it’s really changed my perspective on how I’ve been dealing with every relationship I’ve had without hating anyone I’ve thought about while listening. Uve helped me figure out what questions to ask and what route to take for something I’ve been looking for for years. Thank you.

Fabulous Alan. You are SUCH a blessing. Have been in and out of therapy for many years but this is an area I need to do some VERY focused work on. Thank you from the bottom of my heart x

Alan, your videos on attachment trauma are so very insightful. Thank you

This video was incredibly informative, thank you so much

Thank you for an insightful video filled with quality content. Please keep on sharing, you are making a huge difference to many lives.

He’s very good. It’s all individual. One has to ‘grow one’s self up’, which means re-parenting, discussed in ‘Adult Children of Alcoholics’ and elsewhere. Developing the structure, discipline and continuity of a spiritual practice adds an immense amount. Meet developmental needs: emotional, psychological, social ... Join a community where, over some duration of time, others get to know you. Individuate (this is where I am at present). Take risks. Slough off the shame and so forth, and pursue an attachment (ultimately, a primary bond) with a partner. Grieve one’s losses with the partner. Move forward in life. *** this is all quite do-able with counseling, ever-increasing awareness, deliberate and methodical choices and by doing the work. I unwittingly began this process 14 years ago, and cannot believe the system I came from and where I began, contrasted with where I am at present, and where I am headed. I may be the most fortunate person I know. 🙏

Thank you a thousand times, Alan! 💝🙏. This is golden information!!!! Thank you so much for posting this video!

Thanks Alan that was really clear.I'm here because I know mostly what happened to me but never been able to really move on aside from maturing as I get older and recognising patterns re relationships and my interactions.Consiquently it's functional but frozen .Your practical advice on what I might do is exactly what I wanted to hear rather than it going round and round.Well done

I turned on notifications. You're amazing.

Hey, I had to take the time to drop you a comment and just say to you how incredibly powerful and helpful these videos are.. I can’t believe I’ve found this - and right at the time I most needed them. Thank you so much

Again, thank you so much Alan. You do all of us such a service.

I have bpd and Alan's videos have been a life saver for me!!

this is awesome....thank you soooo much for sharing your knowledge......i went to counseling a week ago and you educated me more in this free video.....i have alot of work to do and because of you i feel like there is hope.....seriously, THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH

So well organized. Hits the nail on the head everytime. I really enjoyed the part about limbic resonance. I've been in therapy a long time. I have very few close relationships, but I believe it's because I only want healthy people close to me. And I know we all have issues, but I only invest my mental energy into people that are not dysfunctional and with whom I feel that attunement. Thank you

Best explenation Ive hear on this topic. Im a curious armature that want and need to learn more. Very professional of you to also share more valuable sourses. Ill be intuned. Keep up the good work🙏🏻🌞

Amazing overview of a lot of college classes and field training. I work in the field, and yes it is daunting at times. Gotta say, you help encapsulate a lot in an easy to grab and go way. Refreshing refresher!

You are fabulous. Your descriptive skills help so much to understand what’s going on. Keep that, these issues can’t be decribed too clearly. Please do more specific self-help videos with suggestions. Even if every story is individual, many elements will be comparable or even the same.

Thank you so much for this video. It has given me a very clear view of how I can move forward on my healing journey. And it has given me hope that things can get better.

I would not be capable of working through this break up without these videos. I am in pysical pain from this anxiety. I was hurt. I am a senaitive empath and want deeper intimacy. She was avoidant and distant. I was in love and she didnt care.

As a Associate MFT this video was amazing! Yes, overwhelming, but is designed to address one piece at a time and to keep coming back to. I love that you put it all out there though. You are a gifted teacher, indeed!

Thank you so much for your video. You are amazing! You are such a gift from the Universe to us for educating us on this type of healing! Many blessings to you.

This is solid!

Brilliant! Thank you Alan.

Thank you for all the resources, I’ve made lengthy notes. Much love. 💙💙

He does this from the soul and u can tell. Thank you for sharing this information w us.

The Limbic system! How fantastic that you have mentioned this. This was so helpful. Thank you very much. Yes, it's really hard to find such supportive people who you can trust. But thank you for those suggestions. Really helpful. Just listening to your videos causes my anxiety levels to drop. ❤️🙏

I've watched about ten of your videos now. 'great material, helpful, healing. Thank-you so much!!

Very clear direct validating clarifying information!!! Thank you.

Thank you so much. Growing up with a certain type of attachment style, this is guiding me.

Coming here 6 years after it was posted! Really happy I found this video!

He is so good at what he does. Clear in his presentation, thoughtful enough to ensure those with pea brains will be able comprehend and encouraging. Fantastic teacher who knows his stuff because he has lived it and is on the other side. Saying thank you in no way articulates the gratitude welling up inside of myself.

Wow! I needed this information a long time ago. Most information on this subject gives you the same narrative with some differences. This I get and understand why I have barely moved forward. Yep as someone has already said "you have saved my life" and has not cost me an arm and a leg! Bless you!

thank you so much, this helps a lot! Thank you thank you thank you!

Your words resonated and add further light to my dysfunctional family and why I am the way that I am.The path of my searching is becoming clearer and clearer.I appreciate that this is ground breaking. I've been looking for the 'final destination', for everything, and now I 'get it' intrinsically.I'm the product of a narcissistic mother, and identify clearly with what my personality and behaviors have been about from childhood to now.Thank You

You really are wonderful and great! I can't thank you enough for this video. It was so useful 🙏🏼

God bless you for this work!!! You really know your stuff. You have probably heard it before but thank God that you are doing this work!!! I have searched and searched for a therapeutic intervention that met my needs. THIS IS IT! WOW!! THANK YOU 😂

This is the very very BEST collection of bullet points on this subject I have found! Thank you for this work. Thank you for evety moment of preparation and development in producing it!!!

This was the absolute best video I’ve ever seen. So helpful thank you

Thanks Alan, i've recommended you to my peers on my post-grad course

I have just found you and your channel, I like your style, I am recovering from a traumatic relationship but now I understand how most of the suffering is within me and due to my past. I am 63 but it's never too late to learn. Thank you.

This is one of the best videos ever !! Thank you !!

i want to thank you so much for helping me to heal!! You are so right on!! You are my friend and i wish one day we could meet:)))))

I am getting more out of your videos then years of therapy. I am very very grateful for your videos

God bless you for posting all that you know. What a gift, at just the right time. Thank you!!!

Whoa! You’re right! That’s a LOT. And your ability to articulate the process from point of entry is helping me focus where to begin.

Alan you are so good .. Way better than my therapist. I really need to start my healing journey of self love and worth . My spirit and soul got so much out of this. Thank you please don't stop teaching others how to cope and use techniques on how to grow , mature and heal . Life's too short not to learn from your mistakes . God Bless you and all your work.

Thank you this is very helpful and structured, thus easy to access and clear to apply

so glad there are videos which give great advice. thanks

Alan Robarge said it all in this video, thank you so much for helping clarify lot of issues

I cannot express how much the latter part of this video has helped me. I was deep in my grief today and I couldn't find a way out--even coming back to the present wasn't helping. This is counter-intuitive but it was as if part of my brain was in the present and another part was attached to my trauma. The discussion of limbic resonance and emotional attunement has really set me on a path to follow up on. I realize that my ex uses these things not only for sex but also continually in his business dealings (he's crippled so he has built in sympathy and knows how to get what he wants from others). I'll definitely be that much stronger the next time I'm able to get out on the field.

So overwhelming but you are so right. Thank you so much for the info

I’m so grateful for your efforts at creating these very informative videos.

This information is so valuable, thank you Alan Robarge.

Alan, you’re such a blessing!

Video is amazing. It is helpful how informative it is, instead of just glossing over the topic, I feel I actually learned something. Thank you so much for taking the time to make and post these