If a human tells you to, "Hold his/her beer," immediately vacate the area and find a reinforced bunker. Massive property damage is about to happen.

8:49 "up to the largest carnivores of their home planet" ... Of course some space Russian brought his pet polar bear for cuddling.

Never tell a human that something is impossible, it will only motivate the human to do it faster

An additional footnote to human pets: Do not assume that a human's pet is a living thing. The phenomenon of "pet rocks" is well-documented in the human's information age and continues to this day. It is likely that a human can bond with anything, even a simple chunk of minerals, and as such extreme caution should be taken with a human's possessions.

"never try to eat the animal companion of a human, even their weakest are dangerous when their 'pets' are in danger for any reason. Also, if you succeed in harming the 'pet', the owner will hold a grudge against you."

Do not be scared if a human bares its fangs a you, this is called a smile, and on all other species on their home world it is a sign of aggression, however on a human the baring of teeth indicates delight and that the human is in a good mood. Note when a human finds a situation particularly amusing they will laugh, this involves thier respiratory system convulsing and them making a strange noise. This is perfectly healthy. Please do not alert the medical team if a human is laughing

Some humans will see an apex predator and go "it's so cute!" instead of fearing for their life

"Do NOT attempt to breed with one. If, and that's a BIG if, they're interested, let them make the first move. They react to unprovoked breeding attempts with lethal force."

And if the human has a card game called "dueling monsters" or "Magic" do not let them on the solid air holodeck. We still have not located the dark magician

If this "union" has no need for a pancake dimention, then it's not a union of mine!

Advice 5-A: if a human ask you to play a game of Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker, just say no, it hard to explain.

Human: **blares rap god on alien ships speakers** Aliens: **screams in what the fuck**

Alien.whats this human? Human. Moonshine. Alien. Swig. Alien commander. How long has he been in the rafters? Human.about 2hrs Alien commander. How much did he have. Human. A swig

Me, as the sleep deprived FTL tech: You woke me up at 2am because you "thought I was dead"? On top of that, you had me work _through breakfast time?_ To hell with this...if I can't get pancakes then _I will turn you all into pancakes instead!_

They got FTL with vista? That is bloody impressive

Never demand a human to put down their own personal weapons. Explain why they "should not" practice with them inside. Always knock, identify yourself, and ask to enter, before entering a human home for the same reason. When visiting more natural and less developed worlds on diplomatic and relief missions, remind humans that some beings are not for cooking on a fire and eating.

I know of several species who think we’re irresistibly cute. Please abstain from picking us up, coddling us, petting us or cooing at us. Please remember we are highly intelligent sentient animals and we consider such behavior disrespectful unless we are feeling playful. Some species may also wish to inform a Human of their physical and psychological vulnerabilities before engaging in play with them to avoid harm. Edit: I just learned the hard way that Norians can experience physiological damage from exhaustion while at the pool. Thankfully, Trills When Eating didn’t drown. And a xenophysician happened to be there. I recommend explaining to those with whom you play that Humans have a uniquely high endurance.

Additional warning: Contrary to most union member species human do no have a sexual cycle and therefore have to be considered in permanent heat. Previously fleet command considered that fact irrelevant due to strongly dissimilar appearance of member species and therefore lack of attraction. 135 instances proved this hypothesis incorrect.

2 qualities of Humans need to be kept in mind for any long-term dangerous mission. 1) Humans, despite their soft, fleshy exterior, are quite durable and can withstand injuries far beyond what most Galactic Union member species can. 2) Humans will pack bond with any group they are in contact with [side note: there are even recorded incidences of kidnappees & kidnappers bonding] for a sufficient time. Given these two facts it is quite possible that a Human will voluntarily place him or herself in a situation that will severely injure and even kill the Human, in order to ensure the safety of its "pack". Do not depend on your perceived invincibility of the Human to save the crew. He or she isn't invincible but will still sacrifice themselves for their new 'family'. You will discover that not only has the Human pack bonded with you, you have bonded with him or her. The emotional pain you experience will most likely be beyond anything you have ever suffered. If, however, the ship finds itself in dire circumstances expect the Human to sacrifice himself. Keep in mind that this is the highest expression of love the Human can honor you with. In turn honor the Human in your own cultural methods, and be proud that you became his family. And yes, it will still hurt.

HQ wants to remind all military personnel that during combat situations humans will often laugh in the face of death. To avoid another Calorian Incident, Galactic Military Federation HQ is mandating that all Officers of Command level and all combat NCO's are reminded that humans have something they call "a sense of humor". This has caused some confusion from time to time... As we all know. If there are humans, even only one or two, under your command, do not be surprised to find a Slirean slime worm in your sleeping quarters. If you do find yourself the victim of human humor, do not retaliate! Smile and laugh like you mean it. Because, humans judge each other on their ability to "take a joke". If you survive(d) the joke, realize that you are now 'one of the gang' and the very same human(s) who joked you will now defend you to the death.

Yes, humans can eat everything, and given enough time and spices, might make it delicious. This doesn't mean you can eat it too. Sorry.

Additional footnote: When investigating human history, please maintain some form of comfort nearby, and obtain the contact information of a reliable therapist beforehand. This is particularly recommended when studying colonialism, the world wars, slavery, the Mongols, Manifest Destiny, and the Aztecs. Actually, just avoid studying the Aztecs.

Wait hold on; a sleep deprived human engineer discovered a dimension that consists entirely of pancakes... And didn't get a commendation and a medla of some sort.

Do not touch humans in a way that they see as aggressive. Results of this action range from the human jumping, which risks injury, to the human pulling out a “firearm”, a kind of kinetic weapon powered by a violent chemical reaction. While very useful when fighting pirates, this device has been responsible for several deaths when the human holding it was startled unnecessarily. We do not need any more ships grounded for cleaning.

Side Note: Humans are most dangerous in one of three states; the, so called, "rage state" in which a human disregards self-preservation in order to eliminate the threat. The "cold state" in which a human becomes silent, patient, and maliciously ruthless. ...and finally, the "bored state" in which a human disregards self-preservation in the pursuit of entertainment. Addendum: Apparently, the "bored state" leads to more wanton destruction, in response all human quarters are to be fitted with monitors capable of reading human media. Addendum 2: Apparently, the humans have already solved the problem by re-engineering common ship monitors to be compatible with an entertainment device referred to as a "console." Also, out of boredom.

If an inebriated human ever asks you to hold his beer and watch this, exit the area immediately and notify ship security.

FTA also: these "HR notes on humans always crack me up.

If a human should identify themselves as an 'artist' know that they are a kind of astetic engineer, and it is wise to inquire what kind of artist they are. Visual and musical (auditory) artists are, physically speaking, safe to engage with (1). Motion, physical, and martial (yes, meaning war) artists are not (2). 1. This may not apply to those who perceive more than three dimensions, and/or with more than the standard five senses. 2. The human endoskeleton is far more durable than their fleshy exterior, and its structure affords the well-practiced a range of motion and elastic-kenetic power beyond what should be feasible for their size.

Addendum 1: If any crew feels a need to attend a human festival known as a "metal concert", please file a contract of inheritance before hand. For safety reasons avoid any festival rituals called "mosh pits", "walls of death", "circle pits", or "pogoing", do not be afraid to decline participating in these rituals the humans will not be offended, though they may tease you and call you a series of less than polite nicknames, usually associated with a human genitalia.

"Never comment on the looks of a human hatchling in the presnce of its parents"

Unfiltered internet is too much for those innocent intergalactic eyes XD

Advice for safely interacting with humans: footnote Even though the Varieties of Human music played aboard ships are restricted, do not start a conversation regarding the quality of said music or what variety, genre, artist, group, holds the highest quality. This is particularly important with the presence of a larger number of humans as they can debate this almost ceaselessly -causing a decline in productivity and can even result in physical altercations. if the latter-most occurs, please get security personnel to intervene rather than doing so yourself; humans can withstand much more of what they inflict on each other than what you can withstand. If the security personel become invested in the brawl, please help with the cleanup.

Please note, some humans are more eccentric than others, and once feeling comfortable can reveal themselves as being quite unusual in their practices and/or casual behavior and activity

Advice: Humans are known for being a species that gets attached easily and can bond with anything, however a human may bond too much with other species, in the case of an anatomy close to their own humans call them "furries", and develop attraction to an individual from another species, if the crewmember are willing there is no problem in engaging in a romantic relationship with a human, for the most part, but be warned that the majority of humans are territorial and may become highly jealous of their partners. Do not cheat on a human. They may seek revenge after this and the union will not intervene as more people would get hurt with this and we don't want THAT incident to repeat itself.

Advice 4a: When Specialist Skippy has a bottle of "Cool Mint Listerine", management is advised to confiscate said bottle, as the last time Skippy had replaced the contents with green food coloring and the aforementioned colorless alcohol.

Advice from human female to non-humans: if you smell blood on a human female but see no wounds don't ask directly.

An additional footnote: due to it's generic coloration, human blood has, on occasion, been confused with that of other sapient species. The results were gruesome, as the immune system cells ate those who received the blood. The results were 12 comas and 87 fatalities. Always test blood samples to see which species it came from.

The alcohol one just screams "I will drink your entire alien species under the Galactic table"

I can honestly picture an alien being confused as fuck when hearing this anouncement, to then being reminded of the anouncement when chased down the corridor screaming while something called 'bull-dog' is tear assing behind it

Note on pets: The Terran lifeform known as an "alligator", while large, is perfectly harmless and you should cuddle it.

If a human says, "pull my finger". Don't!

Advice 7. Christ, we really would turn any carnivorous monster into our own pets, wouldn't we?

Notice delta: Until further notice humans are not allowed to serve on vessel that have vulpi crews, due to the the similarities they share with a wild animal called a fox on their homeworld, & likewise humans shareing the looks of the apex super predator on the Vulpi homeworld.

"I can't shut it down!" "What operating system is it?" "Uhhh... Vista" "WE'RE GOING TO DIE!"

Don't eat the humans pets We lost a ship due to this

I feel like these advices should also state how some Humans prefer Tea to Coffee. Waking someone like me early and then offering them a Liquid that tastes like burned dishwashing soap instead of a nice cup of tea would be a grave mistake.

Advice #10 Some humans posses a something called a “Mental Disorder” which causes their brain to function in different ways. Some common ones you may encounter are OCD, basically they are perfectionists. ADD, essentially thay have some difficulty focusing on things they find boring or uninteresting. ADHD, same thing as before but they tend to get random bursts of energy and get hyper fixated on certain things. But also know that ADHD suffering humans are wild and unpredictable. Always be calm and cautious around them. You may encourage their Hyperactivity. We aren’t ready for that. Not after the last time where someone ended up trying to fight an ADHD human. The human walked away slightly bruised but left the instigator hospitalized for 3 “months” as the humans call it. Needless to say don’t mess with them. It’s not worth the risk.

Please be advised that humans are pack oriented, they will bond emotionally to fellow humans, animals outside their own species and even non living (assortments of items may vary) things. It is then that we remind everyone in a species whom may operate with limited emotional intentions that if a human A. Seeks to follow you outside mandatory operations and work hours B. Has their pitch increase in speed and tone around you specifically C. Initiate verbal communications with you or offer to share their personal time with your company Then it is not a sign of strategic information gathering or the human forgetting past experiences with you but rather the human has seemingly bonded to you and considers you “one of them” this is amongst humans a sign of companionship they call “friends” and is a honoured and cherished position amongst human societies. However if in any case the human makes you uncomfortable many will often comprehend your wishes and remove themselves from you(any refusal should be reported immediately to social resources) However if the initiation is in fact appreciated than please read these articles and material on how to cooperate and improve your interaction with any humans in your life.

advice 11: if you make a living off of doing art be warned of human commissioners , they may ask for you to draw porn unless you state otherwise somewhere ( even then they still may ask) , confirm that they can pay with money some will want to pay with "exposer" which is not a currency , either have them pay upfront or half before half after

Alien offers me coffee Me a British person: *visible discust*

Human Relationships: While not strictly prohibited, it is highly unadvised if you are not a humanoid of a similar size. While genetic compatibility is still being researched, research into the human internet (See above for a refresher) shows that human imagination for interpersonal behavior can be odd. If you and a human partner wants to try something, ensure both parties are safe. Medical bills will be deducted from your and your partner's pay if either of you receive injuries. If one partner dies during private interpersonal relationship rituals, the survivor can face criminal charges. To understand why this needs to be stated, please refer to Incident V. Stomach acid is nothing to scoff at.

If a human ever refers to you as "buddy" in an aggressive manner, you most certainly will not be actually considered as such (1). Instances where such a term has been uttered usually result in bodily harm to all those involved except for the human, who is almost always the instigator of such violence. (2) Just because they evolved without an exoskeleton and require garments to protect themselves doesn't mean they are harmless - far from it, actually. 1. Only assume that the human in question is using the term in a friendly manner if you are already acquainted with them and are on good terms. 2. This is to be of particular note if the location of the instance is within a terrestrial traffic zone, where a phenomenon among human drivers known as "road rage" is reported within certain individuals.

Addendum: While human engineers are very competent, do not leave them alone. Human engineers, especially if they are from the [countries] of Brazil or Russia. Somehow, even if their languages are completely different, they can understand each other and build. Let the last lab explosion be the LAST! the humans weren't even harmed by it and the explosion cost way too much in credits!

Advice: Management has concluded that due to the human's ability to weaponize almost anything, that any exotic materials requested by the human has to be approved by management. We would like to avoid another instance of a superbomb created by a human looking for smoothie recepies.

Advise on the subject of human speech: Be advised that humans will occasionally engage in an activity known as "sarcasm". It is marked by deliberate changes to speech patterns, such as changes in tone and inflection, or beginning a sentence with phrases like "yeah, right". This is common behavior, motivated by frustration and/or disbelief. In such situations, what is said is opposite of what is meant to be understood. Do not submit humans for psychological evaluation when engaging in this behavior, as it will further provoke anger and frustration

I am a human and I can neither confirm or deny that following these guidelines will ensure your physical and/or psychological safety/wellbeing will be guaranteed.

Imagine losing millions of credits because you challenged a human to a game of poker

I would like to add a piece of advice to prevent further accidents involving miss-placed tooling. If you hold your races' equivalent to a QMED rating aboard ship, do not under ANY circumstances borrow or use any tool a human engineer has in their possession without first garnering EXPLICIT verbal permission from the individual, as many bring a personal assortment of maintenance tools and apparatus. It should be noted that many human personnel will react somewhat violently if they perceive a tool has gone missing. This state can only be fully rectified by both the immediate and unconditional return of the item in question, as well as the procurement of either a caffeinated or alcoholic beverage (as the situation permits) for the offended party.

They got me with the comparison to the Windows Vista OS.

Ahh yes sugar, treated like an addictive drug 🤣👍

As a human expert, I'd recommend teaching crewmembers about gestures and words/sentences, that humans dislike.

I can only imagine the excited techie who got his hands on the first copy of the translated alien BIOS, only to look at it for a few minutes, have a terrible epiphany, call his friend, and just say, "Dude, they're basically using Vista, running on _qubits"_

They have FTL travel on OS roughly the equivalent of Windows Vista? Lord have mercy on their IT crew smh.

Subject Omicron: To all Federation captains If your human crew member asks about Hollow-weed, tell them it is forbidden on ship, we are still having sliven priests trying to cleanse the Federation ship Grrkek of demons after Major Tom dressed up like a ghost for this Hollow-weed nearly killed the crew with pure fear.

Add to advice 4. If you meet the human group calling themselfes as "Poles" it is highly recommendet to avoid drinking with them. By Union standards their alcohol is classified as short-range rocket fuel.

I have discovered that humans will commonly practice this technique of increasing muscle mass called exercise. This will commonly lead to the humans body heat increasing drastically and their breathing becoming very heavy. This is not the symptoms of a disease(though it can be if they haven’t been that active) and is just their body removing excess heat.

10:15 THEY AGREED TO NOT PLAY METAL?! What kind of "unholy confession" is this It really makes me want to "rage against the machine" you know I don't care what you do but i will fight for my right to listen to metal because "Nothing else matters" I am ready to take "alien weaponry" in my own hands for this"!

Be sure any new regulations are as air tight as possible. Humans are experts at finding loopholes.

the humans throwing the worst possible insult at alien os... nice

recently found HFY stuff because of you and for sombody like me who barely reads i havent read so much in 2 weeks! thank you

10:17 this is just good advice over all, the internet is a Pandora's box just _begging_ to be opened

Humans, as the rest of the primates, their genetic family on their home planet, have evolved what they call 'hands', which are the end of their superior appendages, and which include fie small 'fingers'. They ue these so called hands to manage items in their daily life, and have evolved accuracy and sensitiveness on them far beyond those of their genetic cousins, which made them highly competent at building tools and weapons when they still weren't in control of their home planet. Today, however, they use their hands to pet creatures, mostly on their heads, from small humans to other fauna from Earth. And truly, the data we got from human researchers is astounding, as there have been reports from domestic animals, such as dogs and cats, to birds, crocodiles, and even some pond fish. They say that, as long as they animal seems 'cute' to them, they'll try to pet them. This research may have cost many humans a hand or two, but it helps us study the psychology of the human brain, as well as the behaviour of many of Earth's fauna. Thus, is recommended not to consider being pet from a human as a threat, as humans may consider certain members of the Union as 'cute'. While this term has not been defined in a definitive way, it seems that in most cases, creatures with large ocular organs, high-pitched voices, and less than 110cm tall fit this term. Beware, though, that humans tend to do this as a lack of respect to the receiver of their petting, as they cannot respect the authority of someone they consider 'cute'. So, HQ recommends that, unless the individual is very close to the human in question, take in mind that it's in the best of your interest to reject the human's petting you, as they may take advantage of you. This is despise how pleasant their petting may feel, as it had been reports of some cases where certain individuals would enjoy so much being pet, that they would start harrassing humans, saying stuff like 'C'mon, pet my head! I know you want to!'. HQ won't stand up with that kind of behavior from any of the Union's members, so we will repeat it to make it clear: DO NOT LET A HUMAN PET YOU.

HQ would also advise that when a human asks you to pull their finger, you are advised to not do this - particularly if you are sensitive to smell. Humans can sometimes expel toxic gasses via some form of trigger in their finger. This has been proven to be exacerbated by some human foods being ingested - particularly what is called "Daves' curry". Fleet command would like to avoid a repitition of the gas warfare alert panic which recently resulted in many unecessary casualties.

Idk why but all these videos or story’s that are just a list of rules (whether it be for humans or how to interact with them) are some of my favorite

I don’t know what’s stranger: the fact that a space faring races operating system is comparable to windows vista, or that fact even with better operating systems, humanity still hadnt become a space faring race until this moment XD

Sudden notice to all fellow human crew members. I don’t want to keep reminding you why we should be careful with our choice of words around the other members of the union crews. We’ve already had Phil and Dave turned into a dehydrated cubes after that incident. Fortunately they did give us instructions on how to reverse the process. I still want to remind you all that we should remain in good favor with them as I feel this could help not just ours but many other intelligent species moving forward that is all.

Additional Addendums: 1) Humans of the tribe "Scotts" should be inducted into your warrior class without delay. Do not, on any account, deny them access to their traditional weapons in addition to whatever your standard deployment armament may be. Those "ancestral weapons" may include close-combat edged weapons which will rapidly become respected side-arms by your troops, as well as sonic weapons with a wide-field range--called "Pipes and Drums" which may induce psychological damage to enemy forces at a distance. 2) Humans of the sub-tribe "Rednecks" should be inducted into your engineering class--with proper supervision, of course. Those self-identifying as a deeper sub-class called "Farm-boys" may prove to be savants capable of intuitive leaps of logic and engineering which has proven to advance the arts of improvised munitions as well as ground vehicle design which may--in time of great need--spell the difference between inevitable defeat and almost inexplicable victory in a desperate surface engagement. However, those humans of the Redneck tribe with insufficient mechanical aptitude for engineering may include those individuals with a biographical notation including the terms "Hunting" and/or "Fishing." The "Hunters" may prove valuable additions to your Scouts or Snipers. The "Fishers" should be transferred to duties that involve patience coupled with advanced pattern recognition such as Sensor Techs. 3) ON NO ACCOUNT SHOULD YOU EVER TRUST ANY HUMAN WHO UTTERS THE PHRASE "Hold my beer and watch this" WITH ANY POSITION OF RESPONSIBILITY! These have self-selected a condition of irresponsibility on the level of the most adolescent of any species we have encountered. No one wants a repeat of the Axos 5 "Stable" Wormhole Implosion EVER AGAIN! Unless it happens in enemy territory, THIS time!

Crew member should never participate in a human drinking contest without a valid contract of inheritance XD this is the one that got me

This reminded me when my little sister asked me to wake her early, never knew a human could throw a punch so quick and accuractly in their sleep 😂

Some humans will procreate with literally anything, regardless of size, shape or material makeup. The exposure of humans to the wider galactic community has cultivated the development of various (and disturbing) "Kinks". Evidence of this behaviour can be found in the unfiltered regions of their internet, and already a vast archives of digital imagery has come to include various members of the community.

Apparently, we keep even the largest predators of our home planet as pets. I'm off to the pet shop to aquire a pod of sperm whales.

9) If a human says ' _I'll show you mine if you show me yours_ ' just DON'T.

Rule 34 and 4chan are the first in the list of prohibited sites imho

Can confirm that one should never disturb the human's hibernation's cycle. This one once disturbed a human shipmates' hibernation cycle for the purpose of sharing an interesting pictograph. The human was not amenable to this and informed this one that if this one disturbed the human's hibernation cycle again that the human would, and this one quotes, "Bite your head off." This one thinks this is one of those famous "figure of speeches" that humans are so fond of, but this one has decided not to test the issue

"The union will not pay for any psychological damage" that means out there somewhere the union is paying for someone's therapy after they accidently went too deep

Notice: don't tell a human they can't do something, it is exactly what they will try to do. Last time someone did that, they almost created a black hole by throwing some human food into the main reactor.

Safe interaction with Humans. Footnote: Do not attempt to make "a bigger stick".

3:15 I WANT THAT DIMENSION!!!!

NEVER Insult a human or his/her capabilities. While humans have shown time and time again what their minds can accomplish, especially when grouped with other members, if they do perform worse than expected, they should NOT be insulted because of it. Humans have been shown to become quite aggressive when they are looked down upon. And, due to the violent nature of humans, it is generally noted that a violent human should be avoided at most costs.

Under no circumstances let a human take over the helm of your spacecraft. While the term "lets take her for a spinn" does not imply heavy rotation of the craft (though instances are reportet occasionaly) A human will most likely overload your engiens and reactos causing considreable damage. Furthermore "Trust me Bro" is not an approved answer if asked for flight license and must be disregarded

"Nevere believe a human when they say their pet just wants to play".🤣🤣🤣 So true!

Alien computer systems run on Vista?! No wonder an I-mac caused the alien mothership to lock up in Independence Day!

If glucose is addictive, imagine kissing a human

Additional Footnote: In regards to human body functions. We apologize in advance, however, some human bodily functions may be found disgusting or offensive. But please be sure to have your air filter mask available when co-habbing or working along side humans, as it is has been documented that some species may faint from the 'burp' or 'fart' gasses and is all around a terrible smell to experience. As these bodily functions are a normal part of human living, we can only request the humans to be as polite as possible and leaving the room before the bodily function erupts from them. But in some instances, humans may not be able to help the inevitability outcome. In these cases, we please ask that you refrain from inhaling too deeply, maybe leave the area for those of you who breath through your skin.

Nodding along until number 8. This silence offends Slaneesh, tHiNgS wIlL gEt LoUdEr Now!

Humans. do not approach, Serious harm may occur!

Advice: Humans do not have a specified period of time for mating and as such should always be considered "in heat" to a minimal degree at least. Improper social interactions with humans may be misinterpreted as an offer for copulation and humans will almost always reciprocate. Do not assume due to your species' appearance, size, non-binary sexual morphism, or acidity of secretions that humans would not attempt mating. Humans have a very broad definition for sexual interactions and can be very creative and persistent. Thankfully, human social and moral mores generally dictate that mating must be consensual so a simple refusal should suffice to end any unwanted advances (unless they are intoxicated). If you do wish to proceed please disclose any possible complications such as gential incompatibility or transmittable diseases as humans will not consider these prior to copulation. Please report any misconduct to a Union security officer immediately. Thank you.

the first one sounds like it was installed cuz humans werent getting enough sleep and were getting quite cranky

I would definetly go for Ubuntu. If the aliens need os software we should recomend them Linux over windows.

So aliens can't hold their liquor? That's gotta suck. Edit: Like I said on another video, it's always interesting to see what aliens have to think of humans; only I believe this is the first time it's been so comical. Writers and video makers, both, keep up the good work.