"The weakest of them is on par with the strongest of us." I have this mental image now of an old, white-haired lady accidentally crushing one of the aliens because he looked "cute". "We should nuke the planet or placate them" Protip: Do Not Nuke the Homicidal Space Monkeys. It only makes them mad.

Earth is Hell, humans are demons, we know where you are, and there is no Doom Slayer.

Alien: "what do you mean your planet suffered an interplanetary collision?! HOW IS IT NOT IN FRAGMENTS?! DID YOU SHOOT IT DOWN!?" Human: "well if it hadn't we wouldn't be alive. no moon to cause tides and no axis to cause seasons, and it would be spinning at a much different rate as well" Alien: "AND YOU SURVIVED!?" Human: "there was no animals for it to kill the first time around" Alien: *"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE FIRST TIME AROUND"* Human: "oh you didn't hear about the dinosaurs?" Alien: *"W H A T T H E F U C K"*

Ah yes, "sleep" the part where the human brain goes into literal overdrive for maintenance. ^^

Alien: human, what are you drinking? Human: pineapple juice. It’s a sweet fruit. Alien: well that seems perfectly reasonable. Human: of course it’s also digesting me while I digest it Alien:…. Alien:…what?

The scariest phrase heard from the humans during a summit intended to impress them with energy transfer tech: "oh, so that IS possible."

"They reverse-engineered one of our engines without us knowing about it!" "WHY did you land on the planet?" "We didn't, that's the insane part! They must have done it by looking at us!" "Oh sweet merciful Glagnu..."

The fact that humans can, and will, take one look at your technology and recreate it, all the while finding new and impressive means of making weapons is hilarious. It is right in line with our true orkiness. Aliens: "I hope that our matter synthesis amalgamation devices have solved the issues of food shortages on your planet." Humans: "Oh... those... are for food? Well, damn. I guess that makes sense now that I think about it. We tweaked the settings and now we have death rays." Aliens: "Buh... HOW..."

Human: Walks up and shacks ‘hand’ of alien Alien: The demon appeared in front of me and started crushing one of my limbs with what we are observed as an expression of happiness. They are sadistic monsters

I love the fact that he self-censored "bullshit" but not "bumblefuck nowhere"

"It was spinning all over the place! AT AN ANGLE!" idk why I love that line so much

Also remember we went from Just flying ONCE in a Paper airplane to the MOON in less then a century.

Alien: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY WEAPONIZED OUR SHIELD GENERATORS?!

We pretty much need only two things to make an FTL drive: 1: seeing its actually possible, just to motivate us. 2: the readings of seeing it work with half of earths sensors pointed at it

We said "hi" then noped the frick out of there... and they had already reverse engineered one of our engines. Now they're following us offering something called "potato salad". I'm too scared to respond.

Human Customs: Hi! Welcome to Earth! It’s literally HELL! Aliens: (Panicked screaming)

“The weakest of them is on par with the strongest of us.” My brain immediately went “Standing here, I realize…”

"Okay, we've looked at all the physics we know of, and we think FTL is impossible for a lot of different reasons." "Alright new information, those aliens have FTL, so it absolutely is NOT impossible. Find the error we made." "Okay, I think I have it. Most of the universe has four spatial dimensions and through poor luck we just happened to evolve in the "shallows" where the universe is thin. As a result we have almost no four dimensional thickness, can only point our telescopes in three dimensions, which lead us to the mistake of thinking the rest of the universe was also only three-dimensional, and what we observe as virtual particles popping in and out of nothing and empty space having energy is because we're detecting things in that fourth dimension as they pass through our space to the other side. The speed of light varies based on your height in this fourth dimension, and so if we can get up there we have FTL but anyone will see us coming, and if you fall down lower you're basically cloaked but can't move as fast." "Good news, we built a supercollider around the entire Oort Cloud to fire this Nichol-Dyson beam through. That should crack the universe wide enough open in the fourth dimension around our star to allow us to--" *"FOR THE LOVE OF CYGNUS, STOP, YOU CRAZY HUMANS! WE'LL GIVE YOU THE DAMN DRIVE!"* "Nah, I think we got this fam. Hold my beer, I'm about to push the button. Let's see what happens."

alien counsel some place: "OK who gave the Death Apes FTL engines?"

I love stories like this were humans can't find alien life because we keep looking at the wrong stars, because we're the one in a million shot that made it in a very uninhabitable area.

Alien Administrator: How did they weaponize FTL? Alien Scientist: They put it in a gun. AA: What? How does that work? AS: It is actually really interesting, they place high energy flux coils around the barrel to charge any projectile passing through to ftl speeds.[ Notices the look of horror on AA's "face"] Don't worry, they need an external power source. Something called a AAA.

Addendum: From covert interactions, a curious xenosocialogist inquired about human conceptions of Hell. Though there were many concepts, the most common theme was a supernatural realm of fire. In short, Terra is so terrible, that the native inhabitants most commonly conceptualize that the only worse area to live in is one in which they are unceasingly immolated.

Fun fact: Sol is, in fact, rather small, as stellar objects go.

Okay. This is my favorite explanation why other life should be scared of our planet. If we were that drastically different from normal life elsewhere that would make sense. Probably also make coexistence very difficult.

Wait till they see Australia.

In case you didn't know this: the sun is not actually yellow and only appears as such thanks to our atmosphere. It is actually white

Until you've weaponized a sandwich you haven't really lived.

Awesome story. Loved the line "we said 'hi" and noped out of there,

Everybody else: Complaining about how they've been waiting so long. Me, who got this recommended by the algorithm at one minute and thirty seconds: *Monkey sideways stares and looks away meme.

I don't know how we'd take a "hi" and then nope out of there approach. We'd be a bit boggled by that.

A tidal-locked water world would, ironically, have extreme weather due to the thermal gradient between the two sides. The entire thing would have massive currents and intense winds going to the cool side and and a huge undertow carrying the water back. Not to mention endless rain on the cool side. I guess all that rain would be why the huge Oxygen content doesn't instantly ignite anything above water...

* Humans get a hold on a warp drive* Human: I wonder what you could blow up with that * invents superluminal ammunition* Alien: well why won't you try something save with it first? 😅 Humans: pfffff... Nerd

"...because somehow they reverse-engineered one of our engines," Hah. They gotta play nice now, or *else.*

I mean except those few who regularly listen to HFY and humans are space orcs would have a rather amusing „WTF?!“-expression if we we to be contacted and it would be a message like this: Attention humans , now that we have your language (or rather one of them) deciphered we want to apologize that it took so long (thanks for NOT nuking us btw), we want to assure you that we come in piece. With this out of the way, we feel the need to tell you that we will leave again, so you can continue as you were. And no there wouldn’t be anyone stupid enough to even plan to invade your backwater planet, it’s not even worth the trouble in first place. Why? Well you are basically space Australia and on top of that you have an Australia of your own, so thanks, but no thanks! Sincerely the other races.

When the Gaia origin species meets the death world species and looks at their planet.

I could imagine one of these aliens being a passenger on a old human sailboat, especially during a storm while the humans run around and precariously keep the ship from capsizing

Out of curiosity, I've often thought that the reason we haven't made actual contact with aliens yet is because they just like to hang back and watch us like their favorite reality tv show; any stories that have that sort of sentiment?

The sun is actually pretty calm compared to red dwarfs, and planets that orbit them have to be much closer. Also, humans are really weak swimmers. Elephants, horses, and moose are known to regularly swim miles between islands and the mainland or across bays at paces that humans can’t keep. Although, who knows how good aliens are at swimming.

Thankfully they did not try to access our internet. Things usually get worse than this story for people who are not average.

Orcs are the horror story we tell about the depths of depravity. But orcs have never done anything in our darkest fictions humans haven't already done. We are orcs. Or rather... orcs are the darkest impulses of man.

Human visits one of the observers worlds: “DAMN THIS IS BORING”

Our species is the essence of "when your coworker yesterday was the reason for today's safety meeting."

I love the fact that in this story one of the aliens came from a tidal locked planet. Is specially funny because in general science tidal locked planets are consider to be one of the most hostile enviroments to house life because if we use our own bioshpere as base, life as we know it would only exist on a very small area of it's surface. Is also very interesting how the author also used that same principle of looking for life in a planet that is similar to their own and that is why they din't check the Sol system at first because it din't meet the criteria of what a life sustaining solar system should be.

Its hilarious just hearing how crazy earth is and can be

A true "Humans Are Space Orcs" story. Thanks for the read!

Greetings Mentlegent! For the rhythm that is Algo Aliens: It's a big yellow star, life can't possibly evolve on a planet orbiting THAT! Humans: Muhahahah.....ahahahhah....HAHAHHHAHAHA

I love the idea of humans, for as weak as we are in our native habitat, being a cosmic nightmare predator to everything else.

It always drives me nuts when I get asked if I have a weapon. I hate to lie but when I answer honestly they look at me like I am joking and say that's not a weapon. And if I explain why they are wrong the cops show up.

According to the story, Earth has more than 2 times greater gravity than their biggest habitable planet, and it is bigger than them. The equation for gravitational acceleration is "a = (GM)/(r^2)", where a is the strength of gravity, or gravitational acceleration, G is a constant, and r is the radius of the planet. Because G is a constant, it can be ignored when working with relative ratios in an all multiplication equation, and mass is density times volume, so we can rewrite this equation as "a = (DV)/(r^2)". Volume of a sphere can be calculated as "V = (4/3)(pi)(r^3)" and so we can rewrite again to get "a = ((4/3)(G)(pi)(r^3))/(r^2)" and simplify r to get "a = (4/3)(D)(pi)(r)". Then, divide both sides by (4/3)(D)(pi), and the final equation is "(3a)/((D)(pi))= r". So if a, or gravity, is doubled, then the radius of the planet would double as well (assuming both planets have similar densities, which the story says they are both rocky planets, so they should be somewhat similar). That means if Earth has more than double the gravity, then it also has double the radius of their largest habitable planet, meaning that Earth would in fact be gigantic as the story says, and the volume would be 8 times that of their biggest planet. Thank you for coming to my TED talk Sources www.quora.com/How-do-I-calculate-the-gravitational-pull-of-a-planet (this led me to find the wikipedia article, which I used to get the equations) en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gravitational_constant

"We noped outta there!"🤣🤣🤣

I'm a bit confused about the idea earth is low oxygen in this story. They say Earth has half the oxygen percentage wise but that Earth has a massively thick atmosphere. That would mean that the partial pressure of Oxygen is probably the same as or greater than other planets. Therefore we are adapted to higher amounts of oxygen not lower.

Placate the frick out of us lol

Human: I recreated your ship! Alien: Cool, but uh... what is that? Human: I.... might've made some.... improvements. Alien: WHY IS YOUR SHIP COVERED IN KENETIC WEAPONS!?! Human: ..... yes

Aliens: how the hell is there life here the planet actively tries to kill it Mother nature : they just built different

Aliens: *Find Earth* Humans: "Welcome to Hell" Aliens:😱

Good find. One of the more hilarious ones I've heard in a while.

I like to imagine that all the xenos heard coming from earth was hardbass as it spins like a top and breaks the norms mercilessly

Human: Set phasers to stun Alien: The humans are merciful!! Human: Because that's all it takes to kill these things. *Alien dying noises*

Red dwarf stars are very unstable. Our closest neighbour Proxima just made such a hudge flare that could sterilise completely this system if there was a life.

This was an absolute joy to listen to, utterly hilarious! I just wish it was longer because it was so funny to listen to.

We are the Aliens from the well known movie for those poor xenos.

The ‘the weakest of them is on par with the strongest of us!’ Reminds me of when my great grandmother used a gun at after funeral in a junk yard

sound`s like home ;P

But the sun isn't all that big. It's a little small even... ah well, fun story.

Earth is literally space Australia and USA combined.

As humans think and act twice as fast as these aliens, I hope someone starts singing Mordin's "Scientist Salarian" song from Mass Effect to them. It would be a wasted opportunity not to.

One of my favorite quotes is A human brain is twice as fast an any other in the galaxy this dose not make them smarter just able to be stupid faster

I'm only five and a half minutes in and I'm more questioning what the hell kind of species has come to find us than what we are...

Hmm bt placate they mean give the murder monkeys anything they want and we probably maybe won't become the reason the answer to the Fermi paradox was changed post solving

My life ain’t great as of late & I stumbled on your channel. I don’t know why but “AT AN ANGLE” sent me into fits. I had to pause & walk away to compose myself & my side still hurts. Thank you for the entertainment & the much needed laugh.

The wording of this story is hilarious! I lost my shit at "Not only that, but there's a big-ass moon wreaking havoc with the ocean". 😂

And they didn't even take a look to Australia...

W-what are you doing, step-Algorithm?!?

I’ve always been self conscious about my lack of strength, but this story empowers me to dangerous levels.

Wow you released a bunch to binge at once , thanks

The Human WAAAGH will overturn the Galaxy!

yes we are murder monkeys...we like seeing things go boom...break things first then figure out how to fix them afterwards, like looking at a puzzle ...oooo...that looks nice.....flips the table over and catch it on fire....now lets put it back together....and improve it if we can.

So based on some of the math below from various comments and some limited astrophysics I know. the alins are from a dwarf planet in the Milky Way mid rim in one of the primary arms. They Orbit around a aged red giant on a dwarf planet.

I like this new trend of making Earth the universe's equivalent of Catachan.

This is just hilarious I dont dispute any of it we are awesome creatures from a death world

Lol it feels like the author watched that kurtzgesagt video about red dwarfs and decided to write this

I was surprised there wasn't a line on hail, "balls of ice would fall from the sky pelting structures and inhabitants, but most just seemed more annoyed than threatened by this." or "One of their oceans had thermals vents that ran along its entire border constantly spewing methane and ash on to its floor. Crazier still were the inconspicuously small animals that would then inhabit these vents them for food!"

And they gifted us the name of our world "Abandon Hope, Sanity Lost on Shattered Blue".

Ive just been going through your videos in reverse watching the ones ive misssed and fuck is it confusing a bit... because some storties are continuations of previous one or build off more worlds/expand world building

Huh. So the aliens don't sleep... weird!

Damn, you ever just completely reverse-engineer something you saw floating in space one time

The fact that most of the people I know are slow hill runners compared to me, just became apparent to my mind at 10:00 I love this story so far

Wonderful

Blood for the blood God. Skulls for the skull throne.

The weakest of them are in pair with the strongest of us Alien: hits human with full power Human: ,,boss music with an unscratched healthbar appears"

Alien: >sneezes< Human Scientist: "Bless you. Are you sick?" Alien: "Yeah, i've not been feeling well lately. It's strange, our species usually never gets sick. Must be an especially bad contagion... You needn't worry though, it can't infect other species." Human Scientist: _"Hmmmm, interesting....."_ >scribbles some notes on a piece of paper

For the literal hell world we live on!

The problem is that red dwarf stars flare like mad.

comment for good days

9:05 good thing that most of the so called "humans " does not, in fact, use these physical abilities, and one tribe of them, in particular, seems to be exceedingly sedentary, but that tribe also possess a large amount of slug throwers

Good story

Praise the algorithm!

Humans used reverse engineering to build human space ships, first they took one of urn space ships, then they added a lot of weapons and that's it, a human space ship. After that they made a lot of human space ships without really understanding how our technology works.

I love the Reddit comments on the original post just immediately tearing into the science. Basically everyone agrees it’s a great story, but NONE of the scientific statements are true. Red dwarf star are bigger than ours, a tidally locked ocean world would be one constant hurricane, we would need more oxygen not less, etc. it’s pretty funny.

Thanks for the story.