Why do you have feelings of not being good enough? The reason is simple….Whether you think you’re good enough or not really comes from comparison.
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This comparison could be from another person, or often it’s a comparison of the person you think you should be.
When you don’t think you measure up it's far too easy to start criticizing yourself and feel bad.
One major factor in overcoming feelings of not feeling good enough is to learn how to compare yourself in a healthy way.
Comparisons do provide information. For example, knowing what percentile you’re in for your SAT score helps determine how well you did on the test. But comparisons also lead to discouragement.
This is because in a comparison, something has to be superior while the other has to be inferior.
If you base your feelings of worth on how you measure up with others, it’s going to be a constant fluctuation of feeling secure and superior to those below you, and insecure and inferior to those above you.
A healthier way to gauge how you’re doing is to use temporal comparison. This is where you compare yourself today to where you were in the past, or where you want to be in the future.
You see, it should never be about being better than someone else because that always comes with the superior/inferior dynamic we discussed earlier. It should be more about better than you were the day before and making the most in life with what you’ve been given.
There’s a parable in the bible that illustrates this.
When the master comes home from his travels, he asks his three servants what they were able to do with the talents he gave them. The first and the second servants explain that they each put their talents to work, and have doubled what they were given. The man with 5 talents now had 10, and the man with 2 talents now had 4.
Here is the master’s reply to both their efforts, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’
- Matthew 25:23 NIV
The third servant, however, did not put his talent to work, and instead buried it in the ground. This third servant was punished by his master.
The third servant failed to see that the master wasn’t comparing the three servants side by side, but rather, looking at each one individually and evaluating what they could do with what they’ve been given.
All the third servant had to do was take the one talent he was given and double it, and he would have been given the same praise as the servant who turned his 5 talents into 10.
I know gauging your success by comparing yourself with others will be tough to stop doing. After all, several psychologists believe that our desire to compare ourselves to others is a drive-one almost as powerful as thirst or hunger. But this comparison is likely discouraging you and making you feel that you’re not good enough.
This story of the master and his three servants teaches not to bury our talents, because of our fears of using our talent and not being good enough. It teaches us that we should stop worrying about where we stack up with others, and simply do the best we can with what we’ve been given.
As we get to work with what we have and do our best, and stop measuring ourselves with others, our feelings of not being good enough slowly fade away.
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Music credit: “Valium,” By No Thanks obtained from Epidemic Sounds
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How to Overcome Not Feeling Good Enough