Best of luck on your journey 😊

Same here. I’ve been learning to self soothe myself

Sending you lots positive energy and love along your journey. You got this!!

This resanates with me and I'm in my late 40s. Well done to you identifying this earlier on and doing the introspective work.

Likewise ❤️‍🩹

@jessicaras4540not everybody believes in sky daddy

Yes, I want that!

Glad you're free!!!🎉🎉

all exes, right😂😂😂

@@TJ-kk5zf I mean if someone won't give a girl compliments when she asks, contributes zero to a relationship, leeches money, never pays attention to emotional needs then yes, they deserve to be an ex. I wouldn't say all my past partners have been bad, that one in particular was an ex husband. He just didn't want to do any work in general or in the relationship. Best part about him being ultra poor is that the divorce was only $400.

@@RoseaCreates ALL of them? have you examined what in yourself draws such people, if this is indeed accurate. Your partner called you needy and lazy, and he would insist that was true of you.

@@TJ-kk5zf I was going through a divorce, he called me lots of things. He wasn't very emotionally developed. However I did get a good partner, five years now, so luckily all the name calling I received and threats to burn my house down are no longer.

Samee

"Fuckeries" 😂

Fuckeries! Haha! Not heard that in ages, might have it as my word of the week!

Me too. Glad there is language to describe to these days, rather than just you’re too needy.

She seems to know everything about me. Amazing journey that I am going through with her words

The term doesn't change the issue, you could call it something else but the problem would be the same, an inability to deal with lack in the moment, panicking when one is unable to get what they want. But yes, just like with many words, even "emotional", it can be used to shame.

Amen. I was so shamed that I became eight times more avoidant than her. So then I turned her needy. And then...shamed her.

Oof. Love to everybody here.

Yes, but you should value yourself enough to not deal with an avoidant. If somebody is not investing equally in you and you are pushing to invest in them that shows you don’t have a lot of self-love. You are worthy of all the love you are craving, you just need to give it to yourself first and work on boundaries and emotional intelligence, then you can attract a partner and experience true intimacy that you desire. We all deserve this, and it’s so much different. I’m speaking from personal experience I have been into toxic marriages end this last one almost killed me so it was either die or figure it out

I've always been a big believer in "whatever you aren't giving yourself, you look for others to give you." If I feel like I need a hug, I realize i am being cold in someway towards myself, so i start loving myself and I feel at ease. This is coming from a guy who spends long stretches of being single. Try it out!

I'm really feeling this right now.

See you get it !

Yeah, I'm kinda feeling like, okay, so we're supposed to "just learn to be okay" with being in a chronic state of unmet needs, disconnection, loneliness and slowly emotionally starving? That doesn't seem healthy. They're needs. You can only delay them for so long. 😣 Yes, we can survive, but we will not thrive.

this is great advice

Well yeah, but on the other hand, at the same time, connection to other person, love and such, seem to be very primal human needs, don't they? At the same time you read that touch deprivation can lead to actual health issues. So is it really so that the point is to meet all your needs yourself? If not then where is the border of meeting them yourself vs agreeing that you actually need someone else?

​@@dzi333 Be able to rely on yourself first and foremost. Get to know yourself, and make sure you can take care of your own needs and wants in the world of consenting adults. There is no border in all reality, because there are more people than I could think of that probably have gone a very long time without touch. Just a thought. All love! It builds confidence in you and helps you know that you can always hold your own. Therefore if someone else were to step into the picture, it would make it that much easier for someone to know if it's a good match too! Really in any sense. Friendship, and romantic from my experiences.

@@dzi333 yes, the line is very hard to draw and I can’t really seem to get a firm grip on where the actual line is for me.

My point exactly!!!

Wow!! Well said! Well I am in a married relationship in which when I try to self regulate, my husband showers me with affection and validation. Then when he’s gets annoyed or angry he snatches it away and I can’t help but feel pain if separation. Then when he is happy again he wants me to open back up to his affection but Im afraid to because I don’t want to feel dependent on love and affection from my husband when he could take it away any moment he feels like I disagree with him or annoyed him. He’s like the hot stove the tell the toddler not to touch, but the toddler touches anyway but gets burned. But he’s my husband so this confuses me. How am I supposed to not receive love and affection from him when that’s what the relationship is supposed to be about???? But everytime I allow myself to get comfortable in his love and affection I get burned again. And he’ll be cold and distant for days and act like it’s a normal way to treat people because you’re upset. Also we don’t just have adult conversations about anything. It has to be an argument so he can have a reason to cold shoulder me.

@@shawntelchinn84 I deeply feel you. Was in a kind of similar relationship myself for more then eight years. I hate to say this - because since you're married, it's a serious situation and not easy to question it - , but the the way your husband treats you it doesn't really sound like a healthy relationship to me😐. I hope you listen to your gut feelings, stay true to yourself and take good care of yourself 🙏. And I hope you have the possibility to turn to other people as well, so you don't rely so much on him. Wish you a lot of strength and all the best. 🍀

@@commecicommeca9944 Thank you so much for the encouragement! I am starting to realize how important it is to rely on other loved ones for love too.

I completely resonate with this. AND I am too fearful and anxious to ask my guy to only text me with logistics. But the agony of waiting for a random text is horrible and unsettling all day long for me so I do need to get the strength to say something.

Wow, well put. I am exactly the same, so much so, that I'd sometimes just rather be single and all alone, because it causes me so much distress. It's just hard being lonely because of that 😢

Yeh i did raise an eyebrow when she mentioned a 3 day fast; but i think most of the video was sound....What you think is going to kill you actually won't....It's not urgent medical attention you need when you're lonely or horny or sad or bored ect...It just requires being present and realising if you can't have them fulfilled you are still ok.

Ok but the question still needs to be answered. Like I really need to know like how much of my needs am I supposed to not get met by my significant other. How can I pour into someone’s cup who won’t pour into mine leaving me feeling empty?

I think the key is just to not take it too far and maybe experiment to see what are your actual NEEDS vs not totally necessary. If you experiment and are like "oh, actually I can just entertain myself for a few hours and not be miserable when waiting for a text back," that's different than if you are really dissatisfied with your relationship's level of contact and are actually unhappy about it on a regular basis.

I agree. This comes from a person who started intermittent fasting during a period of grief (death of mother), and this soon became a full-blown episode of anorexia, which nearly killed me (I had to be admitted and have been tube-fed for months). So no, please don't starve yourself to postpone primary bodily needs if you're prone to eating disorders.

That being said, I strongly agree with the chocolate bar analogy. Eat real food to meet your needs. Don't depend on quick fixes/snacks. Sit down to eat that food and enjoy. It's no problem to postpone eating until the right time is there, but be aware of the fine line with set periods of fasting ;)

This is so accurate. It's nearly impossible to know how a small child feels when being abandoned around age 2? If someone could remember the original incident, it could put things into perspective. I would imagine that that memory would speak volumes to a needy person. This is the reason that I wonder if psilocybin could be useful. When I was 5ish, I was in Minneapolis shopping in a large department store; I wandered off, alone, and lost my mother. lol... When I couldn't find her, I started crying-screaming out for her. A kind clerk got on the PA system asking if someone was missing their child. I'll never forget the experience. Mom was nearby, and we were reconnected immediately, so no harm was done. Is there something that triggers urgent feelings of neediness, I wonder. That would further complicate feelings of neediness. I think that trust would be a huge issue unless one trusts herself or himself.

Reflecting back on the shopping excursion, I recall leaving the store nearly immediately after being found. When we got outside, I remember looking around at the buildings that were large and cold looking - no hugs or warmth from my mother, either. She was just her usual cold self! Mothers are not always good mothers. When this happens, we learn not to look to them for love. Then, we try our best to be self-sufficient.

@@kirstinstrand6292I can relate to that. My mother turned cold and no-nonsense when out in public. She would take me along somewhere and be chatting to her friends or adults and would get really dismissive or irritated if I wanted any attention from her. She would sort of scoff at my anxiety and it was clear she preferred the way my brother would run off confidently and independently. But at home I was 100% dependent on her and there was only my absent father and brother so it wasn’t exactly a surprise as to how dependent I was on her. She would be kind and affectionate at bedtime (to get me off to sleep as fast as possible) but after that it was just busy busy busy. It does make me feel angry looking back, even though it was a short period of my life now. But it seems to have left emotional wounds (loneliness, fear of abandonment, sadness, shame) that are very hard to repair. Am in my 50s now and my mother in her 80s and she still triggers me! I see her as little as possible because I find it emotionally disregulating for me. But in reality I find everyone but my children emotionally disregulating now.

Yea but I feel that trying to be self sufficient didn’t work for me so I tried to find what I needed in men’s approval and “ love”.

It sounds like the abandonment happened even when your mom was right in front of you with her coldness and disconnect- she was physically present but it didn't feel like she was truly with you. It's like going to a well and it's empty- even though the well is present, it's not giving you what you need, in this case being water, whereas with your mom, it's acknowledgement, love, and affection. If there is an ongoing lack of attunement from the caregiver, the child does not feel seen, understood, or safe because an unattuned parent is not present and receptive enough to really be with the child as they are in order to look after their needs. The lack of emotional connection (emotional neglect) is experienced as abandonment because that's what it is for a child. Kids are dependent on their caregivers physically and emotionally in those early years, unfortunately many parents don't even know how to show up for themselves and then that projects out onto the child and they feel guilty, rejected/abandoned, lost, afraid, starved and desperate for love and connection. The abandonment is in the needs not being met of any kind ie. biopsychosocial needs. @@kirstinstrand6292

That was really eye opening comment. New perspective.

Thanks for sharing 😊 how would you prefer your partners to approach you with their needs?

@@ameenahm.8949 First off, hi 😊! I guess I would like a partner to be like, "Emotional availability is really important to me and this is what that looks like....". Im on my way to secure so I know what that looks like generally now but I'm still a bit perplexed. I literally have laughed while others cried not because I'm a psychopath but because I laugh at my own vulnerability. I gaslight myself and minimize my own needs. I've been working overtime in therapy, reading books, watching videos, to learn and grow. Who knew folks actually felt their emotional pain and wanted to connect with others over it... 🤷🏽‍♀️😊 Really... My ignorance has made relationships very painful. 😕

I read your comment thinking you were a man and saying wow that’s very rare for a DA to even realize this or genuinely care but I just read your name and I see you’re a female. DA men are the worst - almost never get introspective enough to truly care to change . Good for you for trying - that would have meant the world to me as an AP woman with a hopeless DA man child .

I tried doing that with my DA ex. Being clear in the amount of time I wanted to spend together (2-3 evenings a week) and asking what their idea of a relationship was. Long story short, there was no negotiation on the time and no answer about their needs. I decided to end the relationship then.

Hi. I’m an AP guy. Been learning about attachment etc for a year now, and this video has only just made me realise that I can be and why I can be “needy” when triggered. Up until now I didn’t even know that I did desperately NEED anything. I’ve been triggered a couple of times in the last year with DA women I’ve dated and even then, after all I’ve learnt, it’s incredibly hard to access what I need and get the DA to even be bothered to listen to me, let alone explain it. In hat situations I find myself getting critical because it feels like the DA or even FA, isn’t listening, simply because they go silent and don’t use words like ‘ok, I understand’ or ‘i don’t understand’, a don’t try to have entertain a convo about it, because it seems to hurt their heads. So, with that in mind, the only advice I think I can give you, if things are getting heated, is to try to be mindful that the AP is trying to communicate desperately, and just needs someone to show, literally with warm words, that they are being heard. I believe this can probably go both ways. At least that’s how I feel as an AP. Good luck, everyone :)

I second your assessment

I feel that too. I think many use it w a sense of superiority. But I also think she did a good job of defining the word in the video.

I don't think that those who name someone as needy think themselves superior. It's just that some people are better put together than others. They choose to protect themselves because perhaps they've learned to deal with their own neediness. I remember an attorney that I met and found attractive. I invited him to dinner at my house - he didn't show. I called him and asked why he stood me up. He said that I appeared needy. I had no idea what needy meant. I just assumed that he wasn't interested in me, which was acceptable. Yet, it did make me think! And I appreciated his honesty. Those that are needy have unresolved issues. It's as simple as that - neither bad nor good... just a fact. If someone chooses to judge, let them. I am aware of being needy sometimes if I meet someone who I find interesting, which only occasionally happens. Lol. But now I can work with myself, so I don't feel helpless or out of control. Certainly, this was not always the case. It helps to have the ability to be open and honest. And if the new acquaintance cannot be open and honest, too, I move on.

How does it matter if that's unmet needs surfacing from the past. Of course they come from somewhere. Still if it makes me needy I rather know it and work on healing it than focus on feeling offended by it. It carries negative judgement because it's not a positive trait to possess. It makes the needy person unhappy and unfulfilled. So yeah, not a cute word but the right word.

I agree. If you're needs are reasonable, but your partner refuses to acknowledge reasonable requests, you aren't being needy. Sometimes partners label the other person as "needy" when in reality they are neglecting the relationship.

Perfectly said! I concur!

Well said. So calm, clear and effective.

Same here!! But for me it’s worse because the eyes I used to get from him come back out for my blossomed teenage daughter instead of me now!! I get she’s beautiful but geez! It’s like there’s no acknowledgment unless you’re young and beautiful!

@@shawntelchinn84 That's not normal and you should not want him around her. If it were me, I'd end that relationship asap.

I have the same problem but I don't know how to deal with it. Please, do you have any tips for me? I'm feeling unwanted, unappreciated and unloved but I think it's just me and not his fault...

@@shawntelchinn84 Your partner is sexually attracted to your teenage daughter and your only reaction is envy? Get that guy away from her, as soon as possible.

Same! I hope you are doing just a little bit better each time - baby steps!!! Your comment really comforted and encouraged me. I feel so helpless and alone when I panic and feel needy, but I’m not alone!

@@ffflyin1697 aww thank you! I hope you are too. You are definitely not alone! We are not! This video has 141k views. We have company 🙃

Trying not to force the past into the present and future

Me too

Yes called exposure therapy :)

Yes, Heidi is truly Authentic...rare these days! Most seem to be Ego driven.

Yet, it's always challenging to integrate our ego into our persona, especially since the ego is what kept/keeps us alive through very difficult times. Until we discover the reasons we began to rely on our egocentric nature, it's difficult to sublimate the ego. Once we know how and why the ego was amplified, it takes practice and mindfulness.

I see this as a fair and balanced comment. I agree that abstinence from a destructive behaviour is not in and of itself going to fix underlying emotional problems. Though I also don’t imagine that’s what I was suggesting in this video, so I’m wondering if I was not articulating the other piece fully enough (which is that presence in moments of intensity can lead us to the underlying more ‘core’ emotions that can in turn inform ways in which we need to restructure our lives and self-relationships overall).

@@heidipriebe1 I think I got that more from.the begining of the video more than the end... I was told by my first therapist to learn how to tolerate my feelings, but I wasn't actually shown how in a way that I could feel that made sense to me, I was just way too shut down at the time and in the middle of very hard stuff. I think physical sickness and pain can really get in the way of emotional healing sometimes because that's the body's real emergency in the moment... Drs often suggest therapy as a compliment to pain management but it's not a substitute as it's sometimes treated

​@@heidipriebe1seriously though your videos have given me so much better language to make my self more understood by my partner. It's practical. I love having this chanel to send him because your videos are so thoughtful and well explained

I think emotional tolerance is a very difficult and sort of ‘high level’ skill in the sense of, a lot can get in the way of it. I imagine it can feel frustrating to have it presented as an option in a way that implies it’s simple. It’s really not. And it’s something we could probably collectively use some very grounded education on (I.e. What are the specific, actionable nuts and bolts involved in developing emotional tolerance skills). That’s given me a lot to reflect on, particularly in thinking about future content around the topic. So thank you, for taking the time to give thoughtful and honest feedback (and for also sharing the positives!) 🙏

@@heidipriebe1 your replies also have been very grounded and kind, very appreciated 🌞

I hear you. I also have fearful avoidant attachment and have done tons of work. A huge foundation for healing is regulating the nervous system. Doing things to get the sympathetic system to calm down, is huge. When we feel like we cannot tolerate intense feelings, we are often in fight/flight. Unfortunately, we can create what we fear through desperation. Our behaviors can push others away. Desperate energy is a repellent. Alone is not the problem. Loneliness is. That's a key distinction. Alone merely means by oneself. It is not that, that is the issue. Why? Because solitude is also being alone and is very healthy, and some people relish in it. Loneliness can happen with, or without others. Loneliness is, at the heart, disconnection. It is disconnection from self first, then with others. When we cannot sit with ourselves, hold space, tune in, be still, feel our feelings, safely...we are disconnected from ourselves. We then desperately seek for others to fill that, meet that. Unfortunately, we will never feel ok, secure with connecting to others, until we fully can connect with, be with ourselves. We attract others who will be with us at the level we are with ourselves. If we are uncomfortable, restless, avoiding our own presence (by seeking outside, instead of sitting with what's inside), we will attract others who treat us the same. If we depend on others to completely meet that need, we hand over our power. We are at the mercy of their whims. When we connect with, become at peace with, accept, ourselves...we are empowered. We won't accept crumbs, because we don't breadcrumb ourselves. We don't accept dismissal, because we don't dismiss ourselves. We don't accept betrayal, because we no longer self betray. We self advocate and know what we want. We no longer feel a need to people please...because we heal that core wound (or in some cases, core wounds) of unworthiness "I'm not good enough". We see our value, we know our worth, we know we have a right to take up space in the world. We don't need to constantly prove and work for it. You are enough. You can show up for your inner child. Write a list of all the things you needed from your parents. Write a list of all the things you want from others. Then write a list of how you can show up for yourself in ways that honor the things on those lists. Treat yourself as kindly as you would a small child, a sweet animal. The most important part is in the internal automatic negative dialogue. To be mindful of what you are saying to yourself, is very powerful. Often, our internal dialogue is a reflection of the repeated messages we've received from childhood. The cognitive distortions, biases, and "strories" (about ourselves and others) need to be inquired about. Those often contribute to our suffering. The power of loving oneself, through learning to accept and nurture yourself...is indescribable. Your life will change immeasurably. You will be ok with being with yourself. You will attract people who show up for you and you will feel connected to the right people. It takes time, patience, self compassion. It is possible though! I hope you come back in a few months and are transformed!! I wish you all the best 💛💫

​@@Alphacentauri819 wow. I read your comment. It is powerful and beautiful

@@okrathemountain thank you! 💛💫

​@@Alphacentauri819thank you so much

​@@Alphacentauri819thank you so much

I’m sorry you feel this way. It’s such a loaded term because of the negative connotations around it. In the conventional sense, I am anxious and also therefore can be very needy. On my good days (when I’m not anxious or feeling ashamed of the fact that I’m needy), I don’t think it a bad thing. It means I am also very much able to soothe others when they need it in a much better way than most, so long as I’m also not feeling dysregulated. I also recognise when I’m calm that it is understandable why I am this way. It makes sense that I have needs, but I no longer want to feel reliant on an external source ONLY to be okay. It is not that we needy people are burdens, many people love us but we also have been dealt the cards of life and our circumstances made accessing the self soothing parts of us difficult. Just as others struggle with other things such as being empathetic or knowing how to comfort others - things that needy people typically excel at! It is important to see the strengths that our “weaknesses” also bring, and for us to be compassionate towards ourselves. I think when we are in a calm state we do not begrudge other needy people; we should offer ourselves the same sympathy and empathy. We are worthy of relationships. Not everyone can deal with us but that’s okay - there are people I can’t deal with either. But there ARE people who can deal with us, and for their love and openness we owe it to ourselves to try and learn to sit in uncertainty and to self soothe so that we are not constantly relying on these kind friends for all of our problems all of the time. Don’t isolate yourself! You are deserving of love and friendship. There are a million worse things in life than being “needy”.