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Jessica- I have followed you and Brian on your entire KZfaq journey. I am surviving Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer to my brain. It has been a 7 year journey and I am raising a down syndrome daughter alone. I was supposed to be long gone by now. I could ramble on with my long story but I wanted to share that I made one important shift in the past year…so here it is. Instead of reciting to myself what I don’t want…as in…I don’t want to die, I don’t want any more chemo, I don’t want to leave my daughter alone, etc. Now I simply say this to god.. the universe… or whomever you connect with…I say…I want to live. It is the one thing I say every day. I believe god/universe hears our desires. If you speak about what you don’t want, I believe you actually draw those things closer to you. But if you speak about all of the things you want, the universe hears you and queues it up for you. Since making this shift, my cancer is quiet and not progressing. Of course it could be a number of things making this happen, but I strongly believe that mentality prevails above all else. Stay strong. I heard every word you said and said outloud as I watched…“yep.. agree …yep” on all of it. Find your reason to survive and you will. Speak from your heart and say it out loud. Giving up is not shameful either because of course I know how hard it is to go through so many treatments and in my support groups, sometimes people are just ok to be done with the fight. I have no judgement on that. Just figure out which path you want and speak to that path and I believe it can be yours. I mostly just wanted to lend my support and that I am living with cancer and I just try to give my best effort at every twist and turn that I approach. Big, big hugs to you and Brian. I am so glad you have each other. I live in MN and I have done my earlier treatments at Mayo too! I feel very connected to your journey. I will include you in my prayers.

How many other people just want to reach through their screens and give Jessica a big hug?

Everyone insisting “you’re so strong” is not always helpful. When I was in the hospital for over 2 weeks everyone would say that to me and I wanted to tell them to stfu. I know they meant well but when you don’t feel strong, it just feels like they expect something from you that you can’t live up to.

I'm 62. At 38 I was diagnosed w breast cancer. 3 spots, lost both breasts. Chemo, radiation, etc. Low chance of making it past 5 years. Here I am - 7 grandkids later. Been around since the potato days Love you and sending healing thoughts, prayers and vibes.

I am a 6 yr Ovarian Cancer Survivor. I went through the same thoughts and PTSD. Having cancer is brutal. Just keep sharing your thoughts it does help. Praying for you. Hang in there. Reach out to me if you would like. ❤️🦋

It's not on you to be strong for everyone around you, it's time for them to be strong for you.

What you’re describing is spot on. I hate that you’re going through this. I was diagnosed with Stage IV ovarian cancer at 31 right after delivering my first child. Clear cell adenocarcinoma, terrible prognosis. I did 4 of 6 rounds of chemo (it metastasized so we stopped chemo), 55 rounds of radiation, hysterectomy, and eventually switched gears to continued immunotherapy (Keytruda). I’m 36 now and doing well, but I remember those chemo days well and will never forget feeling similar things like you. For me, it felt like such a betrayal for my own body to turn on itself the way it did and when it did. I had a hard time grieving who I was before the diagnosis because that person would never exist again. The freedom in being healthy never resonated with me before. Cancer becomes your world, it’s ever present in your mind for every second of every day. It’s inescapable, suffocating, terrifying, and lonely. You want to hurry up and get it over with, but you’re also terrified of it not working so you don’t really want to necessarily hurry up because you’re not sure how much time you have left. It’s brutal and exhausting. I feel for you, my teal sister. You’re not alone. Thank you for sharing this with us, even if it seems pointless. It’s not. I wish I had been as brave as you to post my journey, but I never could muster the strength. I’m so glad that you’re talking to someone - I also wish I had done that during treatment, but didn’t. I had residual issues that I had to work really hard on but still struggle with. We love you and are here no matter what.

Jessica, you make perfect sense, your life has changed 180. My son has Brain Cancer and had surgery at John Hopkins 4 years ago, 35 radiation treatments and 8 months of chemo. They couldn’t get it all because it’s on his brain stem. He thought he was the healthiest person in the world. Everyday after work he went to the gym and ate very healthy. He is my hero, but it still changed him. Now he works constantly, even though he didn’t have too. He says he wants no time to think about the future. He has 2 kids, 12 and 14, and he is 44 now. He met his surgeon on his 40th birthday. Even though he had a scan last Friday and his Oncologist said it’s still stable, he not the same person anymore. It’s extremely sad and breaks my heart for him and he’s children. God Bless you and my son, my prayers are with all who fight disease. Much love from South Carolina! 🙏🙏❤️

Your brutal honesty is going to help so many people who are beating themselves up for feeling the same way you do. Now they know they aren't alone and might seek help when they might not have thought of it before or thought it was only them. You're awesome, Jessica, and doing such a good thing by sharing your feelings. Bless you, honey. You will get through this.

When I was going through a major crisis in my life, one of the things people said that would infuriate me was, "I'm not worried about you, you are so strong." I absolutely hated that. I NEEDED people to worry about me. I NEEDED people to feel sorry for me. I was so exhausted by the struggle, I just needed to know that people saw what it was taking out of me. I have no words of advice. As bad as my personal crisis was, comparing struggle to struggle is pointless. All I can offer is to say, "Jessica, this sucks. This is awful. I can't imagine how anxious, sad, and furious this is making you. I see you're tired. And I am so sorry." And if i may, a recommendation. If you have a place near you where you can pay for a crate of things you can smash against a wall in a safe setting - do it. If you don't have a place like that, see if there's a public glass recycling dumpster, throw on some gloves and protective goggles and break you some bottles. Just go somewhere and break stuff. Yell, scream, and smash. And make sure you video it and share your bad self with everybody.

I have a son who is your age. I am a cancer survivor. Your description of what you are experiencing is very similar to my experience, although the cancer diagnosis was different. My diagnosis was skin cancer. 20 years ago. I spent the better part of 2 years in bed because it was so physically exhausting. I didn't feel like eating, but, you know... My husband left cut-up fruits and veggies in the refrigerator. Also tofu - anything that I could grab with my fingers when I got out of bed to go to the bathroom. I would grab a mouthful and go back to bed. I had several dogs and they stayed by my bed - all day. They didn't even bark when someone came to the door. They knew how sick I was. Nobody deserves this horrible stuff. Do whatever you have to do to get through this. Nothing is more important than just getting through. I wish I could give you a shot of strength through this channel. Even with a caring spouse, this is tough stuff.

This video hit home for me. I have stage 4 Serous Endometrial Cancer which spread to an ovary, my omentum, and a kidney. I just finished 6 rounds of chemo, which has really wrecked my body. It took over 4 weeks to start to feel better after the last chemo. I now have numb fingers and feet, can’t pick things up, and am not steady on my feet. It’s very depressing to not be able to live the life you had before cancer. Don’t feel bad about the way you feel. You have every right to be depressed, tired, worn out, and sad. I have all the same emotions and feelings. It’s very hard to keep on going. My doctor gave me a year, but who knows. So I try, just like you are trying. Stay strong.

I’ve never heard anyone speak so eloquently of their cancer experience. It’s no Hallmark movie. Wishing you healing. ❤

Depression in this situation is so understandable, but I love the fact that instead of giving in, you are still trying to help yourself with appropriate therapies. That says a lot about you and how you are coping, even in the midst of this darkest of all times and the darkest of all feelings. I don't imagine there are many people who go through what you are going through and don't at some point also think to themselves "I am not OK." My heart goes out to you.

Years ago, I went through a very dark time. My 8 year old son was diagnosed with an illness and my husband of 12 years left me 3 months later. Long story short with the help of a therapists, who knew nothing about suicidal ideology that lasted a year and a half, we figured out how I was going to survive this time. If I thought even 6 hours ahead, It was too much for me. I had to take life 1 hour at a time and I was able to find some joy. " Life by the yard is hard, Life by the inch is a cinch." Prayers for you and your family.

My dear when i was doing my chemo i became suicidal and i had never been in my life and i was so inspired to heal and live so i had no idea how those feeling built up. My nurse told me some chemo drugs have those side effects my dear. I am so proud of you for who you are.

Jessica, it is so hard to tell your family that things are not going to be okay but you need to be able to do that. You need to be able to be scared and ask questions and you don’t have to worry about how other people feel or be dismissed because ‘you’re going to be okay’. Cancer hurts and it’s scary and your feelings are 100% valid. I hope the pain settles so you can be you as long as possible 💕 **Note to Jessica’s support system: She’s always thinking about her Cancer and she needs to talk about it. She needs to be scared and to not worry about how anyone else feels. Let her feel the feels.

Our hearts are with you Jessica.

Sweetheart, today is the 5th anniversary of my OVCA diagnosis. Everything you’re feeling is soooo normal. When you start, you’re in fight mode, but as time goes on, it beats you down, the chemo builds up in your system and you start getting discouraged. People told me I was so strong-I felt like, “what choice do I have?” Other moms angered me when they complained about their kids bc I felt like I may not see mine finish growing up. People angered me when they complained about their bad hair day when I had none (never did grow back). I felt like a stranger in the world bc I didn’t know anyone my age that was going through this-I could no longer relate to my friends and they couldn’t relate to me. I felt so lonely. Here’s what I want you to know-it does get better. There will be a day in the future when it’s 10am and you realize you haven’t thought about cancer yet that day. Be kind to yourself! I found encouragement and ladies who could relate to me on the OVCA inspire site. After frontline, I found a integrative doctor who helped me to beginning moving again and living again. Blessings!

Hello Jessica, fellow St. Louisian here… I came across your channel last year. I am not not one to ever comment nor am I facing any major illness, BUT I felt so driven to comment to simply say that I think about you often and want to let you know I’m rooting for you. I have dealt with depression and anxiety for years and know how the fear and negative thoughts make you not even want to get out of bed in the morning or to your point, it’s hard to see what the point to doing anything is. Your story is very important and I don’t think you realize how many people you are impacting simply by showing us all that we are not alone, rather that’s someone who has or had cancer or is dealing with mental health issues, your story has meaning. Though you might be feeling down, know we are grateful for you and know you have amazing things to come ❤️ keeping you in my prayers, keep kicking ass! ❤️

I just read a day by day journal by a cancer patient. It was a young male, and it was amazing to see how his upbeat attitude severely dipped during chemo treatments. It was noticeable to the reader! I think you summed up a lot of how he was feeling. I feel like maybe this is a huge side effect of chemo that isn't necessarily talked about with the general public, and kudos to you for being so honest and raw and bringing it to our attention. No words really, just know so many of us are cheering you on. Your project is so cute, and I'm glad you have something to help you during those times!

The depression makes sense as most of our feel good hormones (serotonin, etc.) are made in the gut and chemo destroys the gut. My husband's personality totally changed while doing chemo. I'm so sorry. Thank you for being so real with us. I'll light a candle for you. 💔💔💔

I felt saddened to learn that you were diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Thank you for sharing your authentic experience, by sharing your thoughts and felt sense with us on your healing journey. When you shared that you weren’t actually feeling that great, as others might think, and shared your tears, I felt touched by your openness. Sharing how mindful you are about the subtle shifts that happen after treatment, was helpful for me to begin to understand what the effects of cancer treatment feels like. It will help me be more empathetic with my neighbour. What you are going through IS really hard. Not knowing about your future and feeling disinterested and flat about life, is Very difficult. This is human suffering. ❤ (I place my hand on my heart as I write) Please know that you are not alone. I picture your sharing rippling out to into the world, supporting other women with ovarian cancer, in some subtle, mind to mind way. Perhaps not even knowingly, you are journeying with them and helping them somehow. I guess I picture this is possible, because I just know deep down, that we are all One on the level of Mind, in a psycho-spiritual way. Sometimes I get a sense of this when doing crafts or making art. I felt uplifted to hear that making your ceramic bear is supporting your need to enter into a quiet inner space, if even for a short time. Going there alone that day, to me, seems like a decision that came from a Wisdom place within you. You knew what you needed. I hope you give yourself more creative quiet time like that, yet continue to listen to that inner knowing to guide you. Thank you for your authentic sharing Jessica. May you and be well, Gale ❤ 🇨🇦

I finished chemo last September, surgery in October, so radiation in January. Hug your husband so tightly, and don’t give up. Never, never give up on hope.

Please keep talking about what you’re going through. It is therapeutic to share. Keep your strength for you and let others give you strength. You don’t have to be strong for anyone but you. This is an overwhelming experience, but we are here sending you Love and Light. ♥️

Thank you for opening up to us. Please, know you have so many people praying for you both. God bless you and Brian. 🙏🏻

Be kind to yourself. Sometimes that's all you can do. I have a liver disease that will probably make some day my last. Add to that cancer that I got through (pending 6 month ct's). I thank God for each and every day that I wake up. I consider it a triumph to be able to go to the grocery store and other days to be cintent to be at home and knit. Thank You Lord for today! I woke up to see another day.

I can totally relate. I was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease about 8 years ago. I was down to 5% kidney function before I my hubby was cleared to donate to me. Before I had the transplant, my body slowly started to break down and it was to the point were I could hardly get out of bed just to go the bathroom. I was terrified of dying, and more terrified of leaving my son a motherless child. I was severely depressed and full of anxiety. But no matter how bad it got I just kept telling myself I can't give up. It's been over a year and a half and it was a hard road to recovery. All the meds wreaked havoc on my body and mind. I felt like I was in a mental fog for almost a year. There were days were I had energy, and days i had none. Things are much better now, but I still have my days. I know you said you aren't looking for advice, but I just want to say that is is ok to feel shitty, for lack of a better word. You are going through something most people would throw their hands up at. So just be easy on yourself and try to prep for the bad days as best as you can that follow your chemo. Let your body tell you what it needs. Wishing you health, strength, and happiness. Sending lots of hugs and positive vibes.

CANCER SUCKS! Thank you for taking your "social mask" off and letting us see what you are truly going through. I am chronically ill and have an idea of putting on a social face. One doesn't want to complain or be negative all the time but faking it and putting on a strong front takes so much energy. Keep keeping it real 💕 Continued prayers 🙏 🙌 ❤️

When I was going through chemo I had many of these feelings and I would have given anything to know that what I was feeling, physically, mentally, and emotionally was, for lack of a better description “expected”. I was always terrified that what I was experiencing was somehow a sign that something was going in a direction that others weren’t experiencing and that something was going “wrong”. I know that sounds ridiculous but hopefully you know what I mean. That was before KZfaq and the invaluable opportunity to watch someone as brave and honest as you are, putting yourself out there for the benefit of others. No one who hasn’t been there can begin to know what those drugs do to you and I wasn’t even on a regimen as powerful as I imagine yours is. The fact that you “come out of it “ to an extent between treatments is proof, as you say, that it is the chemo. Everyone needs to have a partner on that journey who truly “gets” it because they are going through it. You have an incredible husband and while there is nothing in the world he won’t do for you, there is no way he can feel what you are feeling right now. How many others are in your position? You are providing that virtual partnership to untold other sufferers. I am so glad you have found a craft you like. Don’t forget audio books. That was when I started my subscription to Audible because I didn’t have the strength to hold a physical book. I discovered that it helped keep my mind from going on unpleasant journeys. I pray for you both every day. Thanks for all you do for so many.

My husband has lung/brain cancer. He has done chemo and will continue with it. I can tell you what you are feeling he has felt this and going through this. The depression, hopelessness. This feeling of not being well. Hang in there. Take it day by day. Hour by hour. Glad you are sharing this with a professional.

I can’t imagine what it must be like.. God bless you and ALL cancer patients and survivors. 🙏🏾🙏🏾💜💜

Hi Jessica, you and Brian began this UTube journey to share weight loss and plant based recipes. This has evolved into a larger platform. I deeply believe God never wastes our tears. Your openness and vulnerability not only is commendable but very helpful to others who are suffering alone. This being said I’m so very sorry you’re hurting and facing such a daunting journey.

Jessica, you are a young woman who is fighting cancer! The way you feel is very understandable. Take it one minute at a time. Praying for you. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻❤❤

You’re at the point where you know what each round of chemo will bring. Before you didn’t know and everything was new and unknown. You get through the first bit on adrenaline and cortisol but this part you get through by reframing the “negative” thoughts, meditation, being in nature, the dogs, crafting etc. I developed a chronic illness 10 months ago that keeps me mostly housebound. I’m 42, and used to be active, social, work etc. I may never go back to any of that. I have found that mindset is key to getting through this. Bad days are temporary. I try to find one thing a day that gives me some amount of joy. I find something to look forward to. These days it’s very small things. I’m waiting for the tree outside my window to change colour. I look forward to a crow coming to visit everyday. If none of this feels right for you, that’s ok. I wanted to share what helps me get through each day. You are in my thoughts.

I am SO PROUD of you for being brave enough to speak your truth. Most of us fake our way through every day and no one really knows how we’re actually feeling because some will say things that make us feel we are being selfish if we show even an inkling of breaking our silence. If you don’t allow these dark feelings to come out, it becomes more and more difficult to get mentally in a better place. So you do you and now cast out all these difficult feelings, even if it’s just for a minute, an hour or a day to give yourself some sense of respite. We’re here to hear you every time. You can always just be who you are every time in this space. God bless you, Jessica.

Oh Jessica I feel everything in this video. I’m a survivor (OC) myself. I wish we could chat, you are absolutely not alone. The chemo absolutely makes you feel numb and it feels like an out of body experience. I assure you once you’re done you will feel so much better. Anxiety does come and go but enjoying the little things in life will become so important in life. I’m praying for peace in your life. God Bless 🙏🏻🙏🏻💜

I felt that same hopelessness and depression both times I had to go through chemo for my ovarian cancer. I can tell you that in my case, I did come out of it when my chemo came to an end. I take Rubraca every day now for maintenance. Most days, I am in no pain and I feel really hopeful and very happy. I do take Cymbalta, which really helps with my peripheral neuropathy, anxiety,and depression. There is a light at the end of the chemo tunnel!! Hang in there! You’ve got this! Lean on your husband, family, and friends during this time. ❤️🙏

I was diagnosed in July of this year. Everything you said. EVERYTHING was spot on. Exactly what I’ve been feeling or sometimes not feeling. I was eating a salad while watching your video and I was crying the whole time. It’s like you were describing me. I feel you girl. God bless you and all our “sisters “ fighting. I don’t know you personally but I love you and I care about you. Cheers on the mosaic, I love crafting too and haven’t done a single thing since the diagnosis. My craft room sits in silence….

Jessica, when I was diagnosed, I tried to get the Dr.’s and nurses to tell me what I would feel going through chemo and they told me everyone goes through it differently. Somewhat true but the the more chemo you have the stronger the symptoms. We all reach a point where we want to stop the chemo and get back to their normal life. I would have times of depression and have what I called “my pity party.”. Even though my husband was so good at helping me, I felt like I was a burden to him. This was hard for me because I had always been independent. I didn’t think I would ever be the same again. My mind was not well and my body felt constant pain ( not horrible but constant). I had no idea that this would go on for months and felt there was no end. When you get through these two last chemo treatments and ring the bell, it’s a sense of accomplishment of a finished treatment. It takes a while but you will get your strength back and you will start feeling good again. I am four years out from mine and each month after treatment I could tell a difference. This year I have felt my best and have felt my energy is at its best. It helps to talk about it and I thank you for sharing your feelings. Those of us who have gone through chemo can relate to what your going through. Your almost there, just two more. Don’t worry about what’s after, just take this one step at a time.

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I’m sure your therapist has mentioned this to you, but what you described in this video is trauma. Your body is experiencing trauma, and your mind is experiencing trauma. Let yourself off the hook for needing what you need and feeling how you feel. I’m glad you have supports in place ❤

Thanks! Yes you did help me! with this video, I also have been diagnosed with ovarian cancer, it’s been a year now and a few rounds of chemo and most likely more starting a new round Tuesday, I also am just feeling like my mind is numb or in outer space 😳 it’s so hard to describe to people that are not in the place we are, I have kids, grandkids a husband and just found out I’m going to be a great grandma!!😊 but then my mind goes directly to “Will I even be here to meet my first great grandchild” I try so hard to stay positive but it just never leaves your thoughts 💭 thanks for listening thanks for sharing I feel like someone knows how I feel, We Can Do This ♥️

I just found this channel cuz my mother was just diagnosed with stage 3 this week. I’m praying for you , and hopefully everyone who reads this is praying for you and my mother to :(

Jessica, you are in my prayers! I am Catholic, and you are in my rosary intentions. That Christ and Mother Mary are with you in this time comforting you! Love you! Everything you do matters! Christ is proud of you, every little thing you do. You are a beloved daughter of God!

We all love you both. I'm going to do an intense prayer for you that I've never seen fail.

I’m so sorry that you are struggling right now, Jessica. Cancer truly sucks and some parts suck worse than others. As a cancer survivor and someone that struggles with depression too, I totally understand. Some days you think, “I got this!” and other days you slog through and it’s a struggle just to brush your teeth. Everyone’s journey is individual. The path your journey will take is unknown at this point. Sometimes it will feel like it’s all uphill, but when you are on the other side, you will have the benefit of hindsight and a different perspective. Even though lots of things seem totally pointless today, they may gain importance later. Give yourself credit and as much grace as possible. It’s all ok. Let yourself feel what you are feeling without apology. Even on a day that you struggled minute to minute, give yourself credit for getting through those minutes that then became hours and then a day. Eventually, those minutes and hours will bring you to the finish line and the light at the end of this difficult tunnel. Try to love yourself as much as possible and let Brian love you and soak it in without feeling like you need to “be doing better” to deserve it. You deserve every happiness and I hope you have many more bright days than dark days ahead. Big hugs and peace. ❤

This video was not pointless, it was also therapy for you to say how you are feeling.

I have a friend who experienced the same mental symptoms with every chemo treatment. They said it was the worst part of the entire ordeal. My heart and prayers are with you. 💕

My beloved sister had a massive panic and anxiety attack late last year. She's begun therapy, taking medication that helps, but she took up diamond painting and it's helped her mental health immensely. She has to focus on what she's doing, and it takes her out of her mental space. You are onto something with your mosaic painting, and there may be other busy/productive hobbies that you can have at hand while you're working through this. My heart is with you. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you and am rooting for you every step of the way,

Your experience is so relatable to me. I'm on my 3rd set of chemo and I've done abdominal chemo as well. Four years in, I've adjusted, but I remember how strange it was when I was first diagnosed. It's a lot to take in and it's tough to believe that these things are going on in your body. I took me quite a while to internalize all the changes and to adjust to my new reality. Give yourself time and grace. Sending lots of hugs and love your way.

Jessica you are such a beautiful young woman. I have Metastatic Breast Cancer and on a new chemo Med. I feel terrible and am finally back at work a few hours. There are some beautiful support groups around the country. I am here for you. I send love and healing your way.

Hi Jessica, my heart is really going out to you tonight. I am 59 years old and although I have never had cancer I have walked along side family members and friends who have had it and I see a lot of similarities between what they went through and what you are sharing tonight. Although I could never imagine what you or others in your situation are going through, I have lived with chronic pain for many years that at times is quite severe and I know that pain can drain you of the energy you need to feel like yourself. So give yourself some credit dear one because the pain you are feeling is big and you are facing it very bravely. Pain can be managed but suffering is another ball game. Its what takes us to our knees and makes us stop in place. It is life altering. Here is the thing, I have discovered in my life, we never really feel completely brave on the inside. It is often more about what other people see in us and the feeling we inspire in others. We must allow ourselves to feel our feelings. To allow ourselves to be angry, disappointed or in a state of shock. So often we as women are trained that it is wrong to be "angry" so we dance around the feeling when in truth it is often the core emotion of the moment. And when it is processed in a healthy way, the weight of the anxiety, and feelings of hopelessness lessens and we find our peace again. Another important lesson that life has taught me is to know and appreciate the extreme value of rest. I can tell from watching you that when your health is up to speed, you are a real go getter and a creative person. This world no longer values rest when you are ill. People go to work sick as a dog, send the kids to school sick and it has gotten to a.point where people think they have to feel guilty if they are ill or need to heal. Allowing yourself the complete freedom to rest and not compare yourself to other people, will help you to cope better when faced with the really rough stuff. Some people are afraid to rest because that is when their minds kick in and they start worrying about things. If this happens to you I urge you try listening to guided imagery. My favorites are from a woman named Belleruth Naperstak., you can find them just about everywhere. She has guided imagery for people who are suffering all kinds of various illnesses. They are tailored to the different symptoms that are experienced and help you to relax your body and distract your mind by having you visualize positive imagery. After you listen several times you will find some of your negative self talk replaced with positive affirmations. They provide moments of refreshment. Those moments of refreshment have often made for me the difference between being utterly miserable and coping. I hope that helps a little Jessica, you are in my thoughts and prayers and I care about how you are feeling.

Jessica I know exactly how you feel! I was in your shoes 3 years ago! Diagnosed with spine cancer in 2018! I just want to tell you what you are feeling is normal! It does feel hopeless but I tell you what got me through it was my faith! Staying close to god I knew I was going to be ok! Now 4 years later I am still hear and I am a survivor! Just because you are diagnosed with cancer does mean it is a death sentence Remember you are not alone you have this whole community behind you and these will pass! Stay strong,stay positive, keep fighting, you got this survivor sister!💖

Thank you for your honesty. It is completely understandable that you are feeling all these emotions. I had cancer 6 years ago. More recently I had cardiac double bypass. I felt/feel as you do, ‘what’s the point?! I’m gonna die soon anyways, so why bother?!’ I get it. It’s not healthy for us but damn it, sometimes you just have to punch the pillow and be mad at the world that you have this diagnosis. No suggestions here. That is not what you need. Just know that a ton of people do care how you are doing, physically and mentally. Thank you for sharing.❤

My heart is with you. That feeling you describe that “nothing matters” is what I felt when my sister passed away at age 26. It was grief. I imagine that having cancer and going through chemo is a type of grief and grieving for your health-mourning the life you had. It took about six months until I started to feel normal again. That was 22 years ago. I still think of her always, but now I feel like “everything matters” because our time here is so precious. Please know that you are allowed to feel this way, to struggle, to feel ambivalent…it makes perfect sense. This is living in the groundlessness of uncertainty. So yes, I’m sure the chemo drugs are playing a role, but so too-grief. I support you in this journey of grieving. You are loved.

Jessica, I so appreciate your honesty. Cancer is brutal. I was diagnosed with Stage 4 thyroid cancer 11 years ago. I am here to tell you there is a light at the end of your tunnel. Continue to eat your salads and nourish your body with healthy foods and positive thoughts. I know this is tough , but I believe in you.🎈🙏❤️

Jessica, know that you are not alone with these feelings and emotions. I was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer in July following an emergency appendectomy. Debulking surgery in August to remove what cancer they could find. I’m still waiting for the incision to heal enough that chemotherapy can begin. You are loved and countless prayers are going out for you.

This video is wonderful, and not pointless in any way. It would be impossible for you to know what a huge service and gift you are sending out to your followers, including me. I wish you weren't having to deal with this, but your grace and honesty help others put their own issues in perspective, and you model the phrase "We're as sick as our secrets." You are helping people in ways beyond what you think, and in so doing, you are helping yourself as well. I have utter respect for you and Brian on your parallel but always together paths. Prayers and light to you both.

Chemo is so hard. It sucked the life out of me, and continues after treatment. I’ve found that I have to be kind to myself, do as little as possible, and know that recovery will happen. It’s time to cocoon, and that’s okay. 🦋

Jessica, I have so much I want to say to you. First, it's OK to not be OK. You're amazing for sharing your story, because not only does it help others, but hopefully it helps you too. And I have to commend you for talking so freely about mental health. Depression and anxiety are not bad words, and they are nothing to feel ashamed of. I love that you are so openly putting it out there with such strength and fierceness and passion and honesty. I watched this video twice, and I noticed that you really only smiled when you talked about your Peef project. Hold on to that! Draw off of it. Do what brings you happiness. You aren't expected to always be OK, or to be happy or positive all the time. You don't have to smile all the time, and especially not for us. We are here for you, through the good and the bad. We will laugh with you, cry with you and pray with you and just be here for you. Sharing your story with us shows amazing strength. There's a quote that might help you.. I'll see if I can find it. Until then, sending hugs and healing prayers 🙏 ❤️

When my grandpa went through Round 2 of cancer, his chemo and the other treatments really did a number on his mood. His immediately after chemo highs were great, but it was followed by a very low, low like what you mention here. He could be really mean during the worst of his lows when he normally was such a sweet, kind person. My grandma and I would schedule family visits around the highs because we didn't want too many folks to see the lows and have those negative memories since his type of cancer had a very low rate of survivability. During the highs, people would comment like what you're experiencing--that he didn't seem like he was sick at all. He didn't lose his hair, so the only symptoms he really showed were weight loss, fatigue, and some shortness of breath he hid well (he had lung cancer). I just wanted you to know that your experience resonated with what my family went through a few years ago. I appreciate you sharing that side of things so that others have a real picture if they or a loved one go through this.

OH! JESSICA If you only knew just how much your story touches our many lives. In your weakness and challenges you are so very strong. Today doesn't seem so lonely for me because you shared and are being so real. These days it's hard to find true authenticity. Apart from the initial Whole food plant based food theme. I have always felt you and Brian to be really authentic human beings, and a very loving and unique couple. When I think of you and Brian and the way you express your love for one another it reminds me of the Ricky Nelson song ... "I Will Follow You" I even got to learn more about Peef today, quite the little adventurous bear fellow he is. So Jessica no matter whether you are feeling OK or not....Please know that you are loved ever so dearly by many whom you don't even know. Your life is serving, and making a positive mark in this world , and God wiiling you will continue to do so for a very, very, very long time. It's OK not to be OKAY all the time. Sometimes life is just simply hard. Sending you foremost Love, then many prayers, and a whole bundleful of best wishes.... Lovingly sent you way a follower and friend if you would have me Anabela.

It is okay to vent and express how you are doing physically and mentally. I hope you can tell yourself positive affirmations daily to help see the good in yourself and in the day. My oldest son went through hematology/oncology 32 years ago. One of the things I chose to do was to teach him to recognize the blessings in his life instead of the short comings in order to help him to enjoy the life he has. He just celebrated his 33rd birthday which we don't take for granted. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Believe in the power of positivity.

I've survived breast cancer (2012) with a double mastectomy, then ovarian cancer (2013) with complete hysterectomy....and I'm still ticking. I tried every thing I could, to include all the diets known to humans. I eventually turned to complete carnivore and my docs can't believe the great changes in my health and body. Plus, I turned to crafts and quilting and such...which was more healing than anything I can think of. It got me into a good place mentally. You have another plus, that super husband of yours. Wow, what wonderful comments on your hair cutting video. I didn't have any sort of support base. I really relate to the title of this video as "I'm not really okay!" The sheer honesty of that has got to be empowering. My thoughts and prayers are with you both. Be healthy, stay safe and many blessings, Morgan in Colorado.

Jessica, you are helping so many who have cancer. My daughter had the same feelings 14 yrs. ago. At that time I don't believe anyone shared their feelings like you are doing. Bless you.❤

Jessica, my heart goes out to you. I suffer from depression, anxiety and panic disorder for years. I understand that part of this. I had kidney cancer a few years ago, but nothing compared to what you are going through. Keep working on that beautiful bear, do something you like. Can you tell me what kind of class that is called? That would be good for me. I need to get out of my house, we just loss our dog 1 month ago and it really made me go into a deep depression. You are the sweetest person I know. Thank-you for sharing your life with us. I love you.💜🙏 Praying for you daily. Say hi to Brian. God is good. This has helped me with some of my health issues: LET GO ~LET GOD

I am literally right there with you. The week we went into lockdown I was diagnosed with my cancer. Everything you said resonated with me. ((((((Hugs)))))

I had a tumour in my leg which has left a huge chunk out of it … radiation and scarring have left me down and my relationship with it is also bizarre !! I don’t like touching or looking at it it’s not of me !! Keep talking you lovely human let those thoughts out your feelings are so valid and we are listening !! Bless you ❤❤

It’s good that you made this video. People might be thinking, “What’s wrong with me that I’m not handling this as well as Jessica?” Love to you ❤

I have a chronic illness (not cancer) that has completely transformed my life. Sometimes I feel like I can fight for my health. Sometimes I feel like laying on the couch is my future. One day, one hour, one minute at a time... and practicing gratitude and mindfulness gets me through. Thank you for your honesty... I am sending all healing intentions to you 💖💖💖

Jessica, I feel for you. You are so brave. I have been dealing with stage 4 breast cancer. I started out needing spinal fusion surgery for a tumor that broke a vertebra. I was diagnosed like you at a later stage of cancer. I went to a clinic in Mexico to build my immune system for surgery. Later, when my oncologist mentioned my liver lesions started to grow, she talked about possibly starting chemo. I was feeling so crappy, so depressed under her care. I felt like all they do is push drugs. I thought get me out of here! I am returning to a Mexican clinic where they build your immune system while treating you. It took me a month to feel like my normal self and they administered IPT. I later found a wonderful doctor at a different clinic and he has been my treating doctor ever since. I read about people on conventional treatments and how horrible they feel. I just couldn't do it. I feel for you. It's a very rough journey and I wish you a very successful treatment. Sending you love and healing energy,.

What you describe is major depression which I've struggled with for years. The things that you are saying I have said myself. I'm not going through cancer, but I know the pit you're in, feeling like I was just trudging through life with no purpose. It's not the chemo, it's the depression. Remember this, your body doesn't matter much, because you are spirit first, even when our bodies seemingly betray us, it doesn't matter. Be the beautiful spirit that you are! You the real you is still there! You are not changed, you are still you. Feelings are like the waves over the ocean, they ebb and flow. When they overtake you just remember these words, for this too shall pass. Surround yourself with love, be loved, and give love. You will get through this. Know that you are not alone. God is with you through this.

A friend is going through brain cancer😢. I just told her today about a book called “Chris Beats Cancer”. He has a website & you tube too, very inspirational! Also Heard of Oasis of Hope it’s in Mexico but they may have some encouraging things on their website. Praying Jesus gives you hope, strength & good health to come in the days, months & years ahead on this journey🙏🏻. Your story is helping others!!!!

I'm so sorry Jessica. I can't even imagine what your going thru, however please know that we are all here to listen and support you and be part of your journey. I pray for your recovery and will be praying for your mental health as well. You are so fortunate to have a great supportive husband that loves you so much and your support group. Chin up! We are here for you.

You video is not pointless. We are all rooting for you. Thank you for your complete and utter honesty.

During my chemo and radiation the hardest thing to get a grip on was the complete lack of control like I did in my whole life. Cancer diagnosis 2 days before my retirement. People would tell me how lucky i was that i was free to go to chemo. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to punch people in the face. LOL Flash back 30 years prior. My daughter got sarcoma in her shoulder at 18. When people around me would complain about the minor problems in their life I wanted to punch them. I am glad you are seeking a person to talk to. Someone that doesn't want to bring you a hot dish with that "look" on their face. Jessica Mode will get you through this. So much love and good vibes sent to you.

I just recently heard that crying releases endorphins. This makes sense to me because I don't like to cry especially in front of others but it usually makes me feel better afterwards. I wish the best for you and all your loved ones during these difficult times. You help so many just by being yourself. 😍🥰

You don't have to be strong for anyone. Doing whatever you can muster up at any given moment is all you can ask of yourself. Sometimes we have to ride out the lowest moments and pick ourselves back up when it passes. How you feel makes perfect sense to me considering everything you're going through.

I discovered your channel while researching my cancer, uterine sarcoma stage 3 just finished my second rd chemo and I can relate to all that your feeling. It’s like in a instant everything and everyone changed. My husband is so supportive but I feel like I should support him. I have a puppy that needs me and I worry about him. I need to find an outlet to keep my mind busy but I wonder what’s the point. It’s definitely chemo brain. Hang in there girl I’m right there with you.

I take low grade Chemo for lupus and it definitely effects my moods and anxiety level. You are not alone.

Praying for you and your recovery. You are helping so many survivors. You are a survivor the second you hear the words, "You have cancer.". My daughter had cancer and I was with ACS Relay For Life for over 20 years. So many great changes in the treatments since I started. My dad passed from cancer so I wanted to be there when they said Cancer is eliminated. I pray 🙏 you will hear this soon

I have ovarian cancer too. I’m 62. When I feel depressed, I try to remind myself that I don’t have that much time left, so DON’T WASTE IT FEELING DEPRESSED. Enjoy your projects, enjoy spending time with the people who are important to you. After 6 cycles of chemo, my hair started growing back, and I felt like a Neanderthal! OMG there’s hair on my fingers! My nose hairs are back, my chin hairs are back… I decided my priority is spending time with family and friends. Everything else is secondary. But projects are a close second to socializing. Makes you feel good. And that’s so important. I wish you the best. And I’m glad you’re going to Mayo. They’re the best. (I’m going to Mayo in Phoenix.)

I hardly know what to say except thanks. I have been battling Myeloma for almost 5 years and I’m laying here saying Yup yup yup, to the feelings you have shared. Life will never be the same as it was. Hang on to the good moments.

I have been suffering for 24 yrs with chronic pain. On top of that my mom who literally was my best friend, who helped me in SO many ways, passed away June 2021. About a month ago l feel God gave me this message; "God doesn't always take you out of the problem, but faith in God takes you through the problem. God doesn't always take away the pain, but God gives you the ability to handle the pain. God doesn't always take you out of the storm, but God can calm you in the storm." So hang in there my dear, there is light at the end of the tunnel when you trust God.

What you are going through, the roller coaster of emotions, makes sense. You've articulated so well your cancer journey. (A future author you might be!) As humans, I think we'd all be asking the same questions were we in your situation or some other catastrophic life event. Possibly you feel pressure to put on a brave face for your subscribers, but as you can see in the comments, we'll accept and affirm all of your feelings. It's great you have so much support from your friends, family, and healthcare team as well. Just know all your online supporters are really thankful you are sharing this very personal experience. You matter.

To open the way you do about something so personal is unbelievable. You are a hero. I’m glad you said you’re talking to people, hopefully among those are others going thru what you’re going thru, who get it and truly understand. Release itself can be so therapeutic even if it may not feel like it; having this all live inside would eat at you and be so much worse. We’re all here for you. We’re all listening. 😘

I've heard many people talk about those flat/ambivalent feelings from chemo and medication but i also feel like when something BIG hits- it's normal to feel alien/weird/like nothing we do matters or like we're struggling because it's overwhelming to think about this big unknown blob of unknowns controlling our lives... (((HUGS))) The people I've loved who have gone through cancer and cancer survivors all talk about this too... and everyone has said, "feelings change!" 💗💗 sending you and Brian lots of payers and a big hug and remember: you do NOT have to "be doing well" or feeling strong every minute. Let others help and love you and be strong for you!

Crafting is so healing. I’m going through chronic illness issues and I’ve started making soaps and candles. I do as much as I can manage on any given day. You are an amazingly strong woman. Life is definitely one day at a time for you. That chemo is a b**ch! Sending you a big hug from the UK. I think your vlogs will help so many people. Xxx

Thank you for being real! I'm sure the chemo plays a role because it physically weakens you. But, if you weren't experiencing anxiety and/or depression at least periodically during this most challenging time, you wouldn't be human! Also, and you touched on this, you are going through the grieving process for the loss of how you anticipated your life would look like now and/or in the future. You are going through a lot! I am sending good thoughts and prayers your way, Jessica.

Jessica, your feelings are very normal. What you are going through is frightening and painful. Chemo is hard. A diagnosis of cancer brings us face to face with uncertainty…just as you said. Everything you do matters in terms of wellness including sharing your feelings. That is where your control and power remain.🙏🏻❤️

Hi Jessica - thank you for sharing this video. I've had a few different types of advanced cancers and went thru six chemo treatments, radiation, etc. I found it really frustrating that friends would say, 'you look great' etc. and I know that was so THEY would feel better, but it was annoying anyhow. I had my closest friend disappear on me after the diagnosis, and that friendship revived but won't ever be the same (because I know if I get sick again she will disappear again). Bad things happened during the surgeries, the chemo and the radiation. I know it was hard on my husband and he was sometimes a huge help and sometimes drove me crazy with optimism, denial and his own take on things. The thing that helped me the most was having a spiritual life --- I found it very comforting to listen to Pema Chodron cd's and videos, prayer etc. At those times, I felt like I could 'get out of my body' and just rise above what was going on in the regular world. Now I am facing another recurrence. I feel like with past cancer experiences I was just strapped into a roller coaster ride I couldn't get off of, and I want to do things differently this time so that I feel like I am making choices and in charge of what is happening to me (to the extent I can). Medicine has their 'formulas' but I want to have more choice in what happens to me. The thing I liked the best was Tibetan Medicine (or any alternative approaches) because of its gentle approach. I've been thinking about you - sending healing thoughts.

For all of us that have gone through cancer, ( self included) let me say this is so normal. Jessica you are definitely not alone. Drugs are so powerful, they are mind and body altering. Thoughts of the future is way to far down the line to dwell on. We will be praying that you can live in the moment and give the rest to God. You are beautiful and are making a difference in this world. Actually just the fact that you made this video says a lot. It was good therapy for you and so helpful to those who are currently struggling. You will be in our continued prayers that God can help you to enjoy each day just for what that day is. 🙏

As a caretaker of a partner of twenty years that had colon cancer, stage 4, may I suggest be as open and honest with your hubby. All your emotions are normal. For the most part I believe my partner was as honest with me as possible. But I believe they were trying to keep the worst from me but I could see the pain. They were trying to not have me be in pain. But I already was. My heart goes out to both of you. My friend would say she had chemo brain. Hang in there. Stay as positive as possible and do what you can do. Do what you are able and when your tired just rest because it’s ok. I give you hugs, love, and prayers.

When you open your heart to all of us, your whole being shines and you look so beautiful.

5 years ago, I went thru chemo too. And I have been where you are right now. I understand what you are saying. While my doc said, you can get thru this! But it will take about a year! I still was so sick,and part of it was the stress of functioning from day to day! And my friends, who I have discussed this with, were surprised to hear me say, “ For a while, I thought I was going to die!” So yes! I really think it’s the chemo that puts you there! I had a lot of people praying for me, and that helps! And I know that you have a lot of people praying for you too! That includes me! So I think it’s fine for you to take some time and just share, rant, dump, whatever the term you’d like to use! So Thanks! And best wishes!

My dear Jessica......what can I say? As a 2x cancer survivor myself, THANK YOU for making this video and allowing cancer patients, their families and their friends, to have an inside view into the life of a patient undergoing aggressive treatment. I can only hope that your providers also see this video and use it as a teaching video to the medical community. You hit on some very important topics/feelings/fears and more that need to be addressed for all cancer patients. At a very dark point in my life, I told my providers I thought I had anhedonia......feeling that emotions/interests were "flatlined" (as you indicated in your video). I was able to dig myself out of that "dark hole" you described and pray you find the continued strength to do the same. Much love.

I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. You do look really good. Your skin is glowing. There is nothing normal about what you’re going through. Love the little mosaic you’re creating. Art is amazing for healing. Praying for you for strength and a full recovery.

Cancer certainly is like “getting a bomb dropped” on us. Well stated Jessica💔. Thank you for sharing your struggles with anxiety….and depression (( hug)).

Dearest Jessica, my heart goes out to you. Thank you so much for your honesty and transparency. You are younger than my children, and the grandmother in me just wants to comfort you. I have subscribed to your channel for some time, but only began watching a bit regularly since your diagnosis. Early in January of this year, I was diagnosed with cancer and have been through surgery and chemo, so I am writing this from that perspective. These are the things which helped me get through this, and perhaps it can help you or others also. I do not know what you believe about God because I have not seen you mention this in the videos I have watched. So I am writing this as I would to someone I have just met. God is the anchor of my life, but before He can be the anchor to anyone's life, you have to begin to understand how very much He loves you. I say begin to understand, because I don't think anyone can fully comprehend the immensity of His love. He loves you so much that He sent His Son, Jesus, to die a horrible death to pay the penalty for all the sin of the world. All of us will live for an eternity, it is just a matter of where that eternity will be. Only those that are perfectly sinless can enter into heaven. Of course, this is impossible. With God, however, it is possible because Jesus took the sins of the world onto Himself at the cross, (Matthew 19:23-26) When we trust Jesus that He paid the penalty for our sins, believing that He rose from the dead and was victorious over all our sin, we receive His righteousness instead of our own, self-righteousness. This is what is meant by being born again. (A term Jesus first used in John 3:3-7.) It is also called being saved. It is being saved from the punishment for our sins. God loves each of us so much that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. God did not send His Son into the world to condemn all the people, but in order that anyone who calls on the name of Jesus might be saved through Jesus. (see John 3:16-17 and Romans 10:13) Accepting Jesus as your savior (being born again, being saved) is the first step in the journey of discovering His love for you. The circumstances you are going through right now are tough, really really tough. When you see God's love for you, you can know that He is good, all the time, no matter what the circumstances are. Circumstances will change, but God does not. You can be confident that your eternity is in heaven with God. In 1 John 5:11-13 God tells us that He gives us eternal life, and this life is ours when we have trusted our eternity into the work of his Son. It is one or the other - whoever has the Son has eternal life with Him; whoever does not have the Son of God does not have life. God isn't trying to confuse us. He wrote the Scriptures to those who believe in the name of the Son of God, that they may that they have eternal life. We don't have to hope we have it, we can know we have it. That means that our eternity with God began the moment we accepted Jesus as our Lord and Savior. We aren't waiting for it to happen. Of course, a very small part of that eternity is still being spent here on this earth. You said you were worried about wasting time. When you think about time from an eternal perspective, you do not need to worry about wasting it when you are doing the best you can. Yes, your time on earth will be very, very short in the light of eternity. That would be true even if you lived to be hundreds of years old. I find it helps me very much in this life to try to look at everything from the viewpoint of eternity. I ask myself, will this matter a hundred years from now? Most of the time, the answer is no. You said you feel like your safety and security may be gone. When you know you belong to Jesus Christ, He becomes your safety and security. A verse I fall asleep to is Psalm 4:8. This is from the Amplified translation: "In peace [and with a tranquil heart] I will both lie down and sleep, For You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety and confident trust. " Going through chemo, you need peace, a tranquil heart, safety, and confident trust. King David wrote that when he was literally surrounded by an army of men wanting to kill him. God loves you no matter what. There is nothing you can do to make Him love you more. There is nothing you can do to make Him love you less. God is love, and He just plain loves you. Going through chemo, emotions can go all over the place. There are days when we may be grumpy or have a stinky attitude. It's ok. God isn't disappointed. He knows what you are made of because He made you. He knows your thoughts before you think them. (Psalm 139:2) It is impossible to disappoint Him. So, give yourself some grace when your emotions are not want you want them to be. It is ok. God still loves you.