Important Advice For Families In Recovery

Рет қаралды 17,529

4 жыл бұрын

Essential advice for families in recovery. 10 common statements/phrases/questions you should immediately stop saying to your loved one in recovery. These statements/phrases/questions are in effect and can often cause more harm than good. If you're trying to support someone in recovery, this is a must-watch video.
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Пікірлер: 88

@PutTheShovelDown 4 жыл бұрын

📣Watch this next: 🗣How To Talk To Someone About Their Drug Or Alcohol Problem: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/b91ygLGHqNDUgYU.html

@kasengabriel2588 2 жыл бұрын

I dont mean to be off topic but does someone know of a method to log back into an instagram account?? I was stupid forgot my account password. I would appreciate any tricks you can offer me!

@brandillysmom 2 жыл бұрын

I have 3 brothers……. I had 3 brothers….. My last remaining brother is on life support and his daughter will give the orders to disconnect later in the morning…… I have no super powers. I have no brothers any more. My father told his counselor at the dialysis center that he wanted to kill himself yesterday….. I so sad, in a sunken place …. This video for me, maybe I can help my dad, if I’m not too late.

@SomeOtherSusan Жыл бұрын

I’ve been watching random videos on this channel. I don’t have a loved one with an addiction, but my child has a severe eating disorder. There is a lot of good information on your videos that applies in my situation as well. I really appreciate your videos.

@PutTheShovelDown Жыл бұрын

Thanks Susan, I love that you've made that connection. You're right, these techniques would be the same for helping someone with an eating disorder!

@Marymshorty 2 жыл бұрын

Been dealing with an alcoholic husband for 31 years and its now getting worse he recently accused me of being bipolar to my own family 😔😔😔😓because I’m happy and positive and upset the next day because but doesn’t realize it’s because he has been drinking for 3 days straight!!!!

@PutTheShovelDown 2 жыл бұрын

Living with someone who has an addiction, will put you on an emotional rollercoaster!

@joleencox5900 2 жыл бұрын

Can you PLEASE tell me why a addict ALWAYS has the mindset of " now I will go do it" and always has the thought process of wanting to do THE OPPOSITE of what they know their loved ones want them to do? Almost like a total defiance against anything people want??

@nerdtoeshill135 3 жыл бұрын

I’m shearing all you videos. My sisters been addicted to drugs and alcohol and haven’t had sober day for the pass 15 years. I want to help my family heal and I help her... before she fall again

@PutTheShovelDown 3 жыл бұрын

Nerd Toes Hill thanks Nerd Toes! Sharing our videos helps us so ready the message if Family Recovery. My older sister has also struggled with addiction for as long as I can remember.

@melaninqu33n8 3 жыл бұрын

My brother is addicted to meth and crack. I watched this video with the hope that I would better understand him and how I can help, but I fear that I just don't have what it takes...

@PutTheShovelDown 3 жыл бұрын

Hi Melanin, It's most definitely not easy, but there are some steps you can take. Here's my playlist on motivating an addicted loved one to take steps toward recovery: kzfaq.info/sun/PLaaJWwIpP_zYtiUsXjYwB-GJEy2iJ24a4

@dorariggs3473 3 жыл бұрын

Brené!!! Love her SFD practice ❤ in one of her talks she said "the last thing that we need when we're in shame is shame for being human" 🤯 that permission to be unfiltered has been a touch stone for this 'good girl' preacher's kid. So thankful for this channel! Thank you for putting words (handholds) around these hard, messy topics and applying them to real world examples 💖

@PutTheShovelDown 3 жыл бұрын

"handholds"- Love it! 😍

@dorariggs3473 3 жыл бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown "If it's mentionable, it's manageable" - Fred Rogers

@allisonb.8492 3 жыл бұрын

Found your channel yesterday and I love it. Been married 19 years and my husband became a functioning alcoholic 3 yrs ago and life has been so tOugh since then. Thank you!!!

@PutTheShovelDown 3 жыл бұрын

Hi A BB. So glad you found us 😀 Sorry you're dealing with such a tough situation with your husband. Functional Alcoholism is hard because it's so tough to get them to acknowledge the serious of the issue.

@MyMorg10 4 ай бұрын

Amber your videos are so useful to understand. Thank you so much!

@PutTheShovelDown 4 ай бұрын

Awww thanks 😁😁😁

@SJC.3 3 жыл бұрын

My husband had a relapse after 5 months sobriety and I reacted, made nearly all these mistakes. Left the house for 5 days and didn’t ring him, texted only. Came home to resolve the situation, he left 4 days later and has since moved into an apartment. He’s blaming me and our relationship. We’re married 39 years this is heartbreaking for me.

@PutTheShovelDown 3 жыл бұрын

Even though you didn't react the way you wish you would have, you're not to blame for all the problems in the relationship. Addiction is to blame!

@peggyhavard1546 3 жыл бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown AMEN🙏🏻

@lahdeedotti3340 2 жыл бұрын

I am fighting this demon alone // amber you are so on point

@PutTheShovelDown 2 жыл бұрын

You're definitely NOT alone, Chantelle!

@taylernoelle1 4 жыл бұрын

This makes SO much sense! Get out of the "bad guy" role. Thank you for giving the alternative for what we want to say.

@taylernoelle1 4 жыл бұрын

@PutTheShovelDown 4 жыл бұрын

Thanks Tayler!

@tinkershell1856 3 жыл бұрын

I said every single one. Eventually, I did leave him. I seriously did not understand there was a psychology to addiction! I’ve always thought the physical chemical dependency was the addiction. I have learned so much in just 10 days of watching your videos ❤️❤️❤️

@PutTheShovelDown 3 жыл бұрын

You're definitely going to be 5 Steps Ahead now, Shelly!

@tinkershell1856 3 жыл бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown most definitely Amber! ❤️

@ashleyszyszkowskiashspract7153 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you Amber for these videos. What you do is so important and honestly has helped me through some hard times. When I feel like my family is all aboard a sinking ship, your words bring us hope. 🙏🏻💕

@PutTheShovelDown 2 жыл бұрын

😊😊😊😊😊

@DanceTillYouDrop21 2 жыл бұрын

The idea that we have to watch what we say how we say it - learn different tactics and the addict gets to keep behaving however they want is crazy. I have to become an expert on their addiction and they get to keep pretending everything is ok and they don’t have to change bc they don’t have a problem or they’re ok with having a problem. So frustrating!

@PutTheShovelDown Жыл бұрын

It's definitely not fair, but it works 😓

@nyc7727 Жыл бұрын

I can’t do this anymore, my life is important too. When my ex husband passed from Covid , it happened so fast, that it made me realise that as the family of addicts, we should put our own happiness first. It’s 11 years of running around and spending money we don’t have to no end. My son still uses and I feel it’s a wasted life for me. I’m tired of tip toeing around his feelings.

@lraze1 2 жыл бұрын

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! All of the info you share is super helpful, Amber, & I LOVE you for it!! This was especially helpful for awareness of how the questions are coming off & non-threatening ways to ask what I feel strongly I need and want to ask at times... without coming off as a "monitor". Great having the male, former addict perspective in this one too. Thank you BOTH! Can't thank you enough for all that you share about this stuff! It truly does HELP! :)

@PutTheShovelDown 2 жыл бұрын

You are so welcome! Thank you very much for your kind words and support!!! 😍😍😍

@lraze1 2 жыл бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown

@trueself520 3 жыл бұрын

This was so insightful. Thank you both so much.

@trishhuerta4577 2 жыл бұрын

You have helped me immensely!

@brendareed5050 4 жыл бұрын

Do you have a video on how to communicate with a user who only wants to talk when they want help with fixing things for them and they don’t want to talk about anything else or they will shut don’t the conversation?

@PutTheShovelDown 4 жыл бұрын

Hi Brenda, You're bringing up a really good point. I''m not sure I have a video on that exact thing, but I do have a whole series of videos on manipulation tactics that addicts/alcoholics use against their families (and this is definitely one of those tactics). Let me know if you haven't seen that series, and I'll send you the link😉

@heathergaffney9599 4 жыл бұрын

Great video! I love your content

@PutTheShovelDown 4 жыл бұрын

Awwww thanks Heather. You're the best! ❤️️😊

@marionheyns4715 2 жыл бұрын

This was an awesome video.thank you..your videos educate me...

@PutTheShovelDown 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for your kind words of support, Marion!

@wendywhite9897 3 жыл бұрын

Super helpful to help me keep my mouth shut!! Thank you!!

@PutTheShovelDown 3 жыл бұрын

Any time!😉

@elizabethgirard3625 3 жыл бұрын

FYI not true. My ex husband told me he was in an IOP and the IOP didn’t even exist. He’d say he went to meetings and then drink through the meeting...or drink after the meeting🙄 . Sometimes he’d drink during the zoom meeting...

@elizabethgirard3625 3 жыл бұрын

Also he lies in counseling...he’s been doing that since 2007 when we went together before I knew he had a secret addiction. He admitted he has been lying to his AA friends, sponsor, counselors and drs for the last year.

@iamliketufealsothebestcons7817 4 жыл бұрын

Great information. I’m so blessed I found you/y’all. Wish you were in Louisiana.

@PutTheShovelDown 4 жыл бұрын

I'm glad you found us as well!!!❤️️❤️️ How did you happen come across our videos?

@n2cable 4 жыл бұрын

Some good points!! Id add to that list...lol. In fact i have racked my mind around talking, explaining, decribing, to people who are the support network in need of support. Some I have seen were the worst possible people the addict was reaching out too even though they *Support network) were sober. OMG its a bit sticky when u get into some of those things. Nice Vids

@PutTheShovelDown 4 жыл бұрын

Hi n2cable, thanks for watching and for taking the time to comment. You're right, they're isn't enough good support for family members (or support people). It is a very sticky area.

@lfsilva 3 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much, we have been lost trying to figure out what to do about our 31 year old daughter living with us who is an alcoholic. We felt so lost not knowing where to start . Thank you for sharing this information

@PutTheShovelDown 3 жыл бұрын

You are so welcome!

@madihunt1277 Жыл бұрын

Living with an active substance abuser who is in denial and defiance, looking at them the wrong way can justify adverse behaviour. He has moved from heroin to chronic weed use to over using of cream chargers...I fear that he will be a victim of a stroke and permanent brain damage. These questions sound so far from my experience. Legitimate concern is met with contempt - you know that expression where you know they hate your guts. I've given up on him and have told him that his time was up with me. Tragic to watch and harder to be told to mind my own business. He refuses help, and wont accept consequence for his behaviour. I have never asked any of the questions you mention and have stated how hard it has become. He is free to do as he pleases I've just don't want it happening in my house anymore around

@joleencox5900 2 жыл бұрын

So if we can't say these things, as a spouse dealing with my husband's relapse after 10 yrs clean, what should I say to get the point across that if he doesn't get help or whatever that I can't continue to live like this?

@_DivineTruth_is_Home_ 3 жыл бұрын

thank you, being desperate doesn't help...got it :)...kind with courage my aspiration*

@PutTheShovelDown 3 жыл бұрын

Bingo, Jacqueline!

@joleencox5900 2 жыл бұрын

Ok, wait. My fiance just relapsed after 10 years and has been using meth. I did ask him " why did you use after 10 years of having beat that addiction", I asked out of concern because it made NO SENSE to me. So what should I have said??

@brandycampbell4425 3 жыл бұрын

I'm part of a support team for a loved one who is addicted to methamphetamine. How do you get everyone on the same page, when you have a "bad cop" in the group, that keeps pushing their views onto the person in recovery... and you can see that it is having a negative impact on the person trying to get help. This person completely means well. They're a recovering alcoholic and AA worked wonders for them, but the person wanting help does not want that specific program. I can tell this is damaging for both. How can this be approached within the team to mitigate any further damage?

@PutTheShovelDown 3 жыл бұрын

Hi Brandy, that is a tough one. It's so hard if one people aren't on the same page. Is the "bad cop" person a main figure in the addicted person's life?

@brandycampbell4425 3 жыл бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown Yes, his parent. They've had the same dynamic since he was a teen... he's in his late 40's now. Like I said, means well, but the approach is confrontational and authoritarian. While I get the motive... it's causing shutdown and anger. It just seems counterproductive.

@lahdeedotti3340 2 жыл бұрын

I had a fantastic idea that I was only hurting my self

@hope4michaela 3 күн бұрын

How do you talk to an addict alcoholic who is in the passive suicidality mindset?

@francesb-p2441 3 жыл бұрын

Your very pretty in this video. Hes good looking as well.

@cynthiamallon6642 4 жыл бұрын

Should you treat an addict different when they are sober versus when they are drinking?

@PutTheShovelDown 4 жыл бұрын

Cynthia Mallon that’s a good question Cynthia but I thinks it’s too broad for me to answer. Could you give me an example or specific type of situation ?

@cynthiamallon6642 4 жыл бұрын

Not sure if this is different but let's say they are irritated and short tempered trying to be sober, vs drunk and verbally hostel even while claiming to be sober. I really try to be patient while he's sober meanwhile if I know he's drunk I tend to leave our home for hour at a time

@PutTheShovelDown 4 жыл бұрын

Cynthia Mallon hey Cynthia, I think you’re right on track!! It’s easier to have some empathy when we see the person trying and pretty darn hard if they’re being nasty!

@catherineobrian1790 4 жыл бұрын

if ive made all these mistakes, is it too late to change and go forward with new communication?

@PutTheShovelDown 4 жыл бұрын

It’s never too late. If they’re still alive, you’re still in the game!!

@Jajonae 4 жыл бұрын

Okay but what do you say then? Like my ex boyfriend is a heroin addict and is in active use right now. In the last week and 1/2 he has overdosed 3-5 times. What do you do or say with an active heroin/fentanyl addict?

@PutTheShovelDown 4 жыл бұрын

That's a really big question Kelly. It sounds to me like it's time for some type of intervention. Does he have any other family involved? You're probably going to need some support and back up to leverage him into getting help.

@joeycooper6223 3 жыл бұрын

I wish I found you months ago 🥺😞

@PutTheShovelDown 3 жыл бұрын

There really isn't enough help out there for the families and loved ones. It's sad because they're the ones desperate for help!

@melonqueen5138 3 жыл бұрын

I asked him if he had used and this time he said maybe >.

@PutTheShovelDown 3 жыл бұрын

I'd say that's a strong, YES!

@lahdeedotti3340 2 жыл бұрын

My clean date is dec 22 2002 My new dirty date is July 1 2016We lie because we are a shamed and if I could say yes I’m high and I need help instead of snap of the fingers I’m a p.o.s. when I’m trying to just dry out and stay away from toxic people but my own home is toxic so I’d rather be around toxic people who are not mean to me do you love drugs more then family. .. answer is not at all

@joeycooper6223 3 жыл бұрын

Which video is for the self help...I finally kicked him out ...I'm feeling do many emotions..the second time around..I'm just mentally drained. I feel relieved one min. Then I'm sad I lost my bf. , Then I'm angry that he messed up our perfect relationship, idk what to feel. Help

@PutTheShovelDown 3 жыл бұрын

Have you seen this one? It's about the trauma of living with an addict? kzfaq.info/get/bejne/la95fMiT09vRoJs.html

@jwwilcox9240 2 жыл бұрын

This really isn't the video for me to watch right now. I do drink from time to time but the real problem has more to do with drugs. Funny thing is I'm not the one taking them. I slept on the sidewalk last night. I have been homeless for most of the last 2 years. Right now I can't be to concerned how I speak to those with bigger problems when they're addictions can put even those not guilty of partaking in such a bad way. From time to time I am going to say the things you say I shouldn't because if what has happened to me isn't a clear enough example of how other people's addictions can hurt those close to them I don't really know what to say. Yes they will have they're side of the story & to some point state that I deserve it. Problem is that side of the story will be kept secret from me & the true side is normally not believed or what people won't have time for but only because it's the truth

@daniellebuege1446 3 жыл бұрын

Loved this till you.brought weed into the mix 😂

@PutTheShovelDown 3 жыл бұрын

hahaha, sorry Danielle! Had to do it

@crissieroserose 4 жыл бұрын

FUCIN HELL THE EARWAX COMERCIAL !

@lisadodd6211 Жыл бұрын

I really appreciate what you are trying to do....but I am a little disturbed by the flippant attitude that you have about addiction....the giggling and joking seems to really undermine the seriousness of this problem....from my experience as a mother who lost her son to a fentanyl overdose this year, I find myself STILL watching videos trying to see what I did wrong....and the joking is a little much...I don\'t think that it is a laughing matter AT ALL.