Pep saying that “preferences” require making generalizations about a group is so true….. and was demonstrated in the first speaker

Out of all the things in the first interview, I think "I haven't had sober sex in 10 years" is the one that sticks with me the most. I hope that guy finds a more healthy space for himself. Really enjoyed hearing the other two guests' perspectives. Thanks for a nuanced conversation

1:23:09 “not only do I go to black spaces, I create black spaces.” Wooooo 🔥🔥🔥

I'm a white guy dating a black guy and one of the things I said to him early on is I have avoided dating other white men in recent years because (a) I've had a lot of bad experiences with the cis white man mentality in dating, and (b) I was bullied mercilessly by other white kids growing up while most of my friends ended up being really accepting POC folks, for whatever reason. He similarly shared with me that he was bullied by mostly other black kids growing up, and his close friends who accepted him were white. There's probably a million experiences, many subconscious, that contribute to attraction and non-attraction, but I think that who we feel safe with is a big part of that, particularly with LGBT folks where safety is paramount. (I'm definitely projecting and your mileage will vary.) Now, that is not to say that our experiences were equal, particularly when it comes to race. I am doing my best to de-colonize my mind and I've had so many epiphanies over the last few years alone, coming to understand that things I thought to be inalienable were in fact constructs of white capitalist patriarchy (ACAB), and I think that's a process I'll never finish before I die. (EVERYTHING we were taught in history class grownig up was fucking propaganda!) But I'll always do my best to keep learning and to be a safe space for him. Thank you all for sharing your stories and experiences. They are undoubtedly cathartic and healing for your peers, as well as instructive for us respectful white interlopers.

What’s even more fun is when you’re a mixed person trying to date people! I’m the product of an interracial relationship.

As someone that is in a queer interracial relationship for the very first time in my life thank yall for this video.

the complete contrast between all 3 of the guests

Quentin is on a journey a lot of go through at a younger age of unlearning racist conditioning. At least he's able to acknowledge that in some parts, but it's definitely cringey to watch someone go there when it comes to recognizing respectability politics, but still unable to see how they apply that when it comes to people that look like themselves. It's really interesting though, and shows a lot about the way some people's empathy works. much luv

The second speaker ended on such a poignant note that resonates so hard for myself and the black man I’m in a relationship with. We laugh at our cultural differences sometimes but at the end of the day, we’ve found so much commonality in the pressures and messages that we receive from society- messages he receives as a POC and ones that I receive as a woman. He’s expressed that I’ve helped make him a better ally to women and he’s absolutely done the same for me as well. I think that’s been one of the most beautiful things about our relationship.

I would be very interested to hear more about Black vernacular within the queer community - not just within the Black queer community, but to also discuss how white queers co-opt it. There's so much blurring of the lines between what is Black slang and what is queer slang.

The first guy kinda waffles a bit. I feel like this is the first time he really had to think deep about it. Bob was able to handle things quite well considering.

The first guy was pissing me off 😭

The hate spewing from the first individual. My goodness. Thank goodness for the second guest.

that last speaker was everything lol

I think anybody worried about you dating as black person, is projecting their insecurities. Period

As a black queer man about to start dating for the first time in over 10 years, I learned/reflected on a lot watching this!

The first person is an example of why the growth of mixed identity/sense of self is important

As someone who is black, raised by an interracial couple(black mother/white step dad), married to a black man, I say love who you love 🤷🏿. I remember being a kid and the only gay people I saw on TV were white, so I always thought I would end up with a white man because I was somehow the only black gay on earth, aside from Rupaul lol. The 3rd guest really said something resonates with something I've thought for a long time. Most affluent black gays probably end up with white partners not because of preferences, but because of the spaces in which they reside. The mainstream queer community is predominantly white(slowly changing) so it makes sense that someone would end up with a white partner solely based on the probability. My only issue would be with people's "preferences." Preference should be exactly that, a preference, not a means for exclusion. I've always been attracted to all races/colors/social backgrounds/etc and ended up marrying a black man because that was who I fell for, not because I exclusively dated black men. If you exclusively date based on preferences then I think it's time to have a conversation with yourself or someone else to get to the root of your discrimination that you are disguising as "preference".

The second speaker has ascended, like daaaaaam. I wish I was to that point.

Great episode! It's also important to note all POC in interracial relationships or POC trying to date in general experience these kinds of hang ups. Being bi and Latino I try to avoid anyone who comes at me with that baggage of racial fetishization, objectification or any other dynamic where I'm not seen as an equal. Doesn't happen in person too much, but I see it too often on dating apps..

💯Great Podcast You Both Are Leaders In Our Community And We Thank You For Everything You Guys Do❕

That first guest got so much self hate going on and I hate that for him. Pep gotta figure out why she’s so defensive as well .

A very timely discussion!

“A neurological con job” - so well put!

Not they used to call him Lumiere 😭

The difference between the first and last guest was astonishing lmaooo

Quentin is tough to listen to lmao

This was a very good podcast. This really shows how being Black is not just a race but also interpreted through the lens of culture. It can be tough if one may not fit in with the culture, or is discriminated if they feel a part of the culture.

It feels like black people as a whole are the only people socially punished for grade school bullying FOREVER. (issues with people being attracted to, being fearful to interact with us, stereotyping us before knowing us, fetishizing specifically as a mixture of emotions that work against us as a COMBINATION of all these things) even when the answer for the bullying is PROXIMITY. ive met people bullied by their racial group or a racial group horribly and still find the beauty in these groups, with black people for some reason it could just be a black hot cheeto girl making a joke about your shoes and people remember it forever and socially jade us.

Love this episode 👏

The not wanting to be seen with people if they dont dress well killed it for me. Youre 38 man same age as me, get over it bro :)

Speaking truth, always🖤

such a fan of brontezpurnell will follow his socials accordingly

And this is why I love you both.

Brontez always dropping knowledge ♥️

Hi queens, love you both tremendously and appreciate your approach to a earnest conversation. After watch thoughts: Wow! ❤my gratitude is threw the roof for this space and the multiple of perspectives brought to this conversation. The last two guests really stood out to me with a common theme of self-love in different forms as Black Queer people. Finding a person you can experience (healthy)love with, is “no short of a tiny miracle” as the last speaker put it, and I agree, and with being difficult, yet possible. Part of influence of a white suprematist society has been on who/how we were all shown what was “normal,” desirable, or even possible in most subjects. This one is dating, love, and how it has impacted our experiences of it. And yet, despite our obstacles, we do create the experiences that affirm us simply because we deserve it. This was SO long, much love if any one reads this. Thanks again BQTH team🖤✨

Peppermint is truly so damn stunning. 😍😍😍💖✨✨

Really great content. I’d love to hear from Blasian guys or guys who interracially date Asian guys too.

I’ve often thought about a lot of these things when I’ve considered dating people of different races. And I have to think that they think the same things. My family is not racist, but my dad has a tendency to say super ignorant things. I would classify him as ignorant way more than actually being a bigot. But that’s still not the kind of energy I want to bring a person of color around. And on the flipside, I wonder how comfortable my potential partners family would be with me being white. It sucks that in 2023 we are still thinking these thoughts, but it’s probably partially because of our age. I’m 34 so I’d say were the same generation. Hopefully the next few that are growing up now will have have to think about these types of things, less and less, and just be able to date who they have an interest in based on who that person is as a person. Love these talks and love you Bob and Peppermint! Pep is a goddess! Please come back for all stars, we need you! 🩷

We found the Erica Banks of Downtown New York... He said if your shoes aren't cute, I'm not even trying to hang out with you... "You can't sit with us!"

Hi Bob, & Pep! I appreciate you both and thank you for bringing this conversation to the masses and on your platform, this means a lot. Challenging conversations like this are needed more and more every day. I am an openly queer black gay man from the SOUTH - (TX) and hearing some of your points made me feel a bit sick to my stomach... A trailblazer is defined as "a pioneer; an innovator." and most white queer people believe you both to be because you are both successful, queer, and black BUT I would challenge this stance by asking you both to unpack your anti-blackness... I too have been doing my work on this because we have been conditioned to believe black is all things bad even to the point of fear and that is not the case. Black is beautiful, it is powerful, it's strong, and it's ALL things seen and unseen. Interracial relationships are okay... I would hate for someone to say that you cannot love who you love that would be going backward in time but, I would challenge anyone to look personally within if you have never dated someone that looks like you there is something to unpack. We all have trauma and drama with parts of our past that are not as pretty but that is what makes us human. It should be an everyday task for most queer black people to take a moment to reflect and unpack. I personally have only dated white men up until now and I didn't know why until unpacking... it was my relationship with my father and the insecurities I held within myself (It is a longer story) but reading many black books and going to therapy I have been able to break that fourth wall and I can say I don't feel that way anymore and I am moving in life differently... Not to say all things need to be black BUT black love is beautiful and should be held in our community with more honor and respect. Overall great conversation, I wish you would bring someone who doesn’t have the same ideals who is a professional such as a therapist or queer black activist. I loved the second guest she is well spoken and I loved her perspective because that is how we learn and grow as people… Specifically the part that makes me feel unsafe is the race play piece and conversation you both had… the conversation with you and Monet was being taken with a joking manner that alone is dangerous. The danger and hate that's placed on queer people of color are scary, especially for our trans sisters and brothers. For instance, in the US...Texas is leading for Trans Women of COLOR being murdered, and not by men of color mostly…I am not sure how it is in LA or NYC but in the south, this is not okay and should never be taken lightly. It takes me back to Emmitt Till's days…it’s never okay to joke about race no matter the case, especially with a white person due to us still feeling the grueling pain of their ancestor's actions taken upon us as a body of people. African American Slavery IS the worst part of American history to date… to joke to say it’s okay is beyond sad and I fail to see why you cannot see the danger of your words. You are a part of the 1% in my mind you are blessed to be in spaces where you can make a difference please don’t forget those who died for you stand in the spaces you are in… blacks didn’t have rights until the 1940’s in television it hasn’t been a 100 years and you are reaping the harvest of black people deaths, pain, and struggle they fought and that we are still fighting for today. I mean I hope my words fall on open ears and taken with love. I think we as a queer community need to understand that being a person of color and queer is twice as hard and those who are a part of the queer black community create spaces and safe places for those who look like you and me to exist and thrive. We should be learning, unlearning, and re-learning, again always. Let us all unpack with love and an open mind.

I mostly avoided this topic even when i saw it on Twitter b/c it goes nowhere and mainly because people have a problem reconciling their personal biases with their politics and no one can admit that they are biased. Intimacy is inherently bias based. The first guy said: "i know hot Black men, i just prefer olive skinned Israelis and i dont want to feel bad about it." THAT'S the problem. And the comments about Black sexual aggression😒 And i will never understand how you feel "comfortable" in Black spaces but only aocially. Never sexually or romantically.

love to the hosts and guests!

This convo was so needed and is only a microcosm to a very huge macro. Thank you for this, truly. Also not "do white people acquire taste more than black people?" 😂

I’m queer and African American and American white, they are very easy to include in generalizations due to the fact that they have no social education but I think it’s a situation which has re interest and love in a communicated and equal While unlearning generalizations from when they lived with their perspective races @ my parents

Brava Brontez!👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

I think unpacking issues around internalising our experiences at a greater rate and how anti-blackness plays a role, is a good place to start For example a (non-racist) negative experience from a white person isn't perceived as a feature to the group and more allowances are made to justify their behaviour. Generally that level of grace isn't applied to other black ppl. Quentin spoke of feeling critical of hyper femme black gay men and that is a factor for black men trying to date other BM too. The reality is that you have to open up your options if for whatever reason you don't fit into what's most appealing in your surroundings. Drag Queens as protentional partners, are treated better now, than back in day , but there's still plenty of femme phobia, even most femme gay men don't want other femme gays as partners but their preferences don't prefer them either whether it's due to race or masculinity. As long as you're being authentic and not problematic it's no one's business. We should be less judgemental.

LOVE YOU BOB

Dam....I did not neeed to see this .but I'm happy I did ❤❤

Now get Jaboukie on here to talk about, what this man is talking about.

Not "it's hard to find a white top that slays,"

I loved hearing from Alysha

Great work you two! Minus the addict at beginning (oy!) Love you both ❤

That episode of Broke Straight Boys where Damien (white performer) admitted he did not want to do a scene with Kaden (the black performer) or work with black performers

No shade, but in the night life community alot of it comes down to drug use and white people are more open and less openly critical about drug use. Specifically pertaining to the first guy.

I’ve never dated white men. I’m white myself. I’ve only had long term relationships with Asian men (both east Asian and south Asian). I believe my childhood traumas with my father and growing up in an abusive home with alcoholism and fighting has shaped my views. Also politically and socially - I just can’t share my life with cis white men. I think I subconsciously decided quite young that I would never want to end up like my mother or with a man like my father, so his friends, so I dated men who weren’t like them. Was the grass greener on the other side? Not necessarily - but for different reasons 😅 But after I tried dabbling dating white for the first time I realised that I was right. I can’t deal with the arrogant, selfish, misogynistic ways and also the inner racism that white people only really express around white people. I dumped him and blocked him after I found out that his family was teasing him for dating me because I had a brown child (her father is Sri lankan) and how he would never make me official because he couldn’t bring himself to being a step dad to a brown child. That would be so low class! Blocked. Deleted. Never spoken to him again.

Now regarding the first speaker you’re worried about peoples clothes but you need to be more worried about that missing front tooth with all due respect.

I think alot of this might bring to light a conversation about black men and their reasons why we do not openly date drag performers or trans women.

Brontezzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!

I'm glad you're having this townhall bob. As a POC gay man, I do find the disproportionate amount of black queens with white partners a bit off. I'm not against it, but it's suspicious, very good to hear your perspective.

And I quote, she said, how do you share that trauma with someone who can’t touch it! 🤯

Ionknow Pep, the proper use of the Queens language "English" feels a bit weaponized to me. Like some people use class and race as a way of talking down to people and saying you speak proper makes me a little uncomfortable as an African.

Quentin is so cringe

The girl, second speaker was real as fuckk

Does socioeconomics and age (maturity) factor into the conversation?

Quentin's perspective was as valuable as everyone else's, despite his rancid internalized racism and homophobia. Dude really just seemed more shallow than anything tbh. Anyway. Interracial dating has been something i've been trying to understand about myself. As a Black person I havent dated many white people or been in relationships with them simply because, as was stated, the preferences require me to make generalizations. My generalizations about US & UK whites is that they are so full of themselves and obsessed with their own race that I'd have to explain too much to them. Two white people I dated were so far removed from black people's experiences and navigation of society both psychologically and physically that I... ran out of patience with them. I got sick of explaining my hair, why I'm nervous in certain contexts, what my music means, and all sorts of shit like. Dating someone of any culture that has a Similar Experience to the lived experience of being black became my focus. This actually does include poor whites in the US, Irish, and Jewish people, of course, because they understand shit a bit better. My best girlfriend was a German Jew and we had such a great time together and she understood so much. I guess I could give more white people a chance but I really hold that bias so strongly it causes me to pass up people because I, too, am shallow. I see white skin and I turn the other way these days.

What if you just like a "white" skin color? I like a skin tone that contrasts with mine.

❤❤❤❤

Two of the guests didn’t even have any relationship experience. 🤭

I am white and my bf is black creole. We live together 😊 ten years now :) I have to admit that most of the time white guys are not aware at all of political/gender/racial issues. Which I find crazy and revolting! For me it is a second nature. I have to empathize that I had a lot of backlash for being questioning the status quo, starting conversation: being progressive or challenging categories/normativity. Because it was not expected from me to do so. On a personal level I am very happy with him and I never saw him for his color but for our mutual personal struggles. I acknowledge his color and his history though. I celebrate it. And encourage him to stand for what he is. I will always protect him and bring tenderness and care. Together we are stronger. He is half toned black and also suffers racism from blacker guys. His creole mother did also with her husband’s family because she was lighter skin. We analyzed it as a consequence of colonial trauma… Cis straight imagery and culture is toxic to the dating world in general especially in terms of sexuality and body representation. Some features like narcissism and hyper individualism do as well to my sense. Cool podcast! Kiss from Europe!

I love the 2nd speaker, she speaks with such grace and an interesting perspective. But as a Kanaka Maoli, “hapa” refers to someone who is half hawaiian and half something else. It’s one of the words that’s been hijacked by non Hawaiians which contributes to our erasure

I feel like Peppermint is wafting a soft vanilla coconut scent off her supple body.

this whole entire man talking about he wont talk to someone if he doesn't like your shoe... vapid as hell

I’m so proud of you Roberta. Perhaps you are my favorite daughter.

LITERALLY LOVE YOU SHINE BITCH U BETTER SHINE

U should’ve had me on bob

The guest after Peppermint has severe Internalized homophobia - i hope he continues therapy.

So my ex fiance was black im white and people dont get how racism is still a large issue when dating someone who is another race. My own experience was shocking to say the least my partner and i where walking in capital hill and we get past a restaurant and this horrible racist white guy says " oh look the master bought a new slave such a cute boy" I was f-ing pissed my partner gave me the signal to shut him up and down. So i replied with your right he is a cute boy and we paid top dollar for your sister. The restaurant is clapping his date which we thought was his date comes up to me shakes my hand and says thank you for telling off my racist brother im the sister you paid top dollar for. My mouth dropped. Here is the extremely beautiful super model woman and she has a brother that looks like dennis the menis went 5 rounds with a cement mixer

Justin J’s video on this topic regarding you specifically makes several good points. you can’t sit here and act like a trailblazer for black queer people yet haven’t even been in a relationship with anyone who looks remotely like yourself in lord knows how long. and on top of that speaking so glibly about r*ce play being “hot” is wild. no one is out here saying interracial dating as a whole is a bad thing, so don’t get that twisted. just challenging you to look at yourself and your dating patterns and maybe unpack why it is the way it is. a lot of us are afraid to do that for fear of finding out sometimes we have problematic habits/ ideas. you were one of my favorite queens. please don’t let denial and pride take you down.

This is getting tricky 30:05

Tldr

Listening to the first guest: 👁👄👁 It was EXTREME cringe!!! Omg…poor guy needs therapy.

People love to look at a moment or one situation in our lives and use it to define us. If you are in a picture with one White person, they hang onto that. And if you date a person of another race, that's your business. As long as you're not against anyone, especially your own race (Candace Owens), then who cares? I honestly have NO preference in race. I am just looking for a good person.... I will say, as a White person from Brazil, some people have paid me no attention until they hear me speak and then they ask where I'm from and when I say, "Brazil", they all of a sudden get interested and I get the whole, "Oh, Brazilians are so sexy" thing. (cliche and boring.... It's all BRUNO's fault!!!! He made us all fetishized!!! hahahahaha just kidding. I LOVE HIM!)

Bob, you're my favorite drag queen. I'm not against IRR, as I'd been in them, but if I'd pick at anything, it'd be you and Monet saying race-play is hot. Y'all didn't seem like y'all were joking when you said it. So, my thought is, you cannot espouse black issues and also think that race-play is okay and expect to be taken seriously and not challenged. And _if_ y'all were joking, DON'T. Because there really are black men who've outed themselves opening as to thinking that's cute but then wanna get mad at systemic racism and racist encounters they don't find hot. Don't make things unclear. Get down how you want in private, but saying you're into feet isn't gonna give people pause on your stance like saying being choked and called the n-word will. And you're very intelligent, so you should know that. You can say a lot freely, but you should at least think about the consequences. And, NGL, if you were my friend and had said that, I'd have dropped you. You can't get "too comfortable" in mixed company. You and Monet live in a very insulated world, but y'all know what it's like outside as well.

Race has never played a factor in my attraction, I'm attracted to whomever is attracted to me for the most part. I've dated all types of races. Dont have a race preference but I will say I tend to lean into brown and black folk, just because they seem to appreciate the fullness my body presents. Being full figured here 😂

“Race play was always is always based on the black body someway somehow” he ate that! which I take this to heart being born with a perfectly muscular body and a huge dick. Things that I do not control, but still defined me and how old is treat me.

I think we can have preferences. It all depends on how we project them. My preference is asian men, i dont know why ...i just go weak when i see an asian guy... do they fancy me . ...not really... have i slept with many asian men ...NO!!! Its my preference.. but i also date and find ALL colours beautifil ..i rule no 1 out .. so if i date soneone ..i dont mind if they have a preference..but that preference can not be set in stone .. even if a blk guy only sleeps with only blk guys ...or a white guy only sleeps with blk guys... if anyone ONLY sleeps with a certain race .. then i will avoid.. by the WAY...I THINK QUENTIN spks truth .. TRUST ME...IF U WEAR CROCS ON A FIRST DATE ...there wont be a 2nd ... 😂😂😂

first guest.. very hard listen

The raceplay section of this video was as interesting as it is disgusting. Sexuality does not exist in a vacuum. So if you’re attracted to racial degradation then you’re attracted to racial degradation. The idea that someone can be turned on by something like a video of violence against a black body is extremely disgusting. Imagine watching 12 years a slave and being turned on. I could never.

I get what the second guest is saying about needing more diverse representations of trans ppl, but i dont think she understands what it means to want to pass as a trans person. Getting thousands of dollars of surgeries and medications is what a lot of us need to survive! I don't appreciate the implication that there is something wrong with "chasing cissexuality" or cisgender beauty standards, and this is coming from a trans girl that absolutely does not pass

I said this before and ima say It again Harry Belafonte only dated white but was at the for front of black Civil rights movement until the very day he went from this world. so yaw pick a battle. We're all behind the enemy lines of w.s. who you're Dating is not that fight for me. And believe me w.s. is an ISSUE FOR ME but if I'm Dating yt that's issues I and that person will have to work through. ...

Ok I'm 40m in I can't🙄

A black guy with a missing FRONT tooth, has the audacity to be judgemental of another black mens looks?!

Wait but we’re you trans when you dated? No offense but the criticism would stand accurate.

Isn't Love is Love? I don't really get it

lol at some people in the comments who'd gladly reinvent segregation cause people should be: 1) dating people who look like them 2) dating people who have the same "experience", however you choose to define experience. you all make jim crow proud

Just say it’s a cultural fit and leave it at that. Some of these conversations need be left in the therapists’ offices.

The answer is NO! I need to lay with someone who understands my black experience without explanation. The durags, cocoa butter, church references are COMPLETELY MISSED with other races. You'll have to "reduce" your blackness to assimilate with them. I'm good love, enjoy

Something else I've noticed is that all these black queens are using black women as references for their drag, yet they never seem to have black women on their teams. Whenever I've seen women on their teams or in their circles, it's been white women. That's a whole other conversation. That's why it's even more of a smack in the face when people try to act like white queens who act like black queens aren't acting like the black women who inspired said black queens. Black women are just a reference. A blueprint. Doesn't matter if the man is gay or straight, he's not gonna respect us beyond what he can get from us and make money off of, apparently. I wish black women would learn to gate-keep our uniqueness because y'all will literally take our essence to your white teams. It's all a pantomime. I didn't really think so before, but this whole conversation has me rethinking my fandom, tbh. Like, the more I think about it, it's not sitting right with me. I have a thousand other interests and hobbies. Drag doesn't really have to be one of them. It's a shame, but after years, maybe it's time for me to move on.

With all due respect, Pep, please please shut up and let Bob talk too!