Sam Vaknin saved my life back in 2004 with his information he posted over the internet....It has been 9 years since I divorced the ex NP after 23 years of marriage or shall I say hell...I am still healing and my life is so much healthier...I lost all material things that I thought were important and found what is....ME....Thank you Sam Vaknin

My dad once told me that he was the king of his castle & I was his property. He saw us kids as objects that he could do whatever he wanted to do to us. His dad was an alcoholic but amazingly my grandpa treated me much better than my own dad did, he was older then too. My grandpa (who I lived with for 2 yrs) used to tell me stories about how abusive his dad was to him (my greatgrandpa). Yes, it is so true that the abuse travels down through the family tree sadly. It has stopped with me for sure!

This is my mother to a tee! She has stayed with my narcissistic abusive father for 50 years and it disgusts all of us kids. My mom seems to be the only one that cannot see that she has given her whole life and soul to a man that abused all her children and we have now abandoned her. She stays with him at all costs, it's very sad for me to see this but she refuses to leave him. My guess is that even if she could leave him she would just find another narcissist because it's all she's ever known!

Please make a video on HOW this can be dealt with. In other words, how people can change and get better.

This was a slap to the face. I knew I was codependent but I didn't know to what extent. This explains so much. Now I have to figure out what to do with this info and how to change things. Thank you for this information.

I found this video in an old email from my ex. He couldn't believe how low I scored on the NPI test (6) and was trying to convince me that I was a codependent narcissist. Now it's kinda hilarious. I definitely have codependent tendencies. I grew up in alcoholism. In reality, despite what he thought, I felt the most unhappy and empty in my life living with a narcissist. The only other narcissist I have known was my grandmother. If you are with a narcissist I hope you get help. Support was everything to me and how I still stay balanced. That, and stopped being a victim. Now take responsibility for my behavior. Wow, what a difference. Good luck to anyone who comes across this. Cheers.

I moved 5,000 miles away from my parents almost 30 years ago...that helped a lot too.I choose to not be a part of their lives unless they treat me with respect which has begun to happen recently now that my dad is older. He is still abusive to my mother but she chooses to stay with him (she chooses his side out of fear). Over the years I've learned to forgive my parents and I do love them...but I do not let their actions affect me anymore. Thanks again for sharing with me:)

Both borderlines and inverted narcissists have codependent traits. But that's where the similarity ends.

So many years of wondering what was wrong, only to discover EXACTLY what is wrong with me here.. This is amazing! Thank you very much for this!

Yes, that last line is haunting. Incredible. Genious.

I would not call them inverted narcissist although I understand where you are coming from. I would use another name for it. They are emotionally dependent. Usually a low self esteem leads a person to want to be with a narcissist. It is only when they become more aware that they realize that they are actually hurting themselves tremendously.

That sounds like my father's 'I'm the lion and this is my pride' BS. He was abusive, and played the the tough guy, but it was like watching Woody Allen impersonate Schwartzenegger. As traumatic as it was, it was pretty pathetic. I can laugh at some of it now.

Oh, God. This is me. I am so fascinated by them, and cluster B's. I knew I had BPD, but I couldn't understand why I am so obsessed with "mastering" the dance with a Narc...like I get some rush from successfully maintaining their interest over others...knowing I am the "golden supply"....I am just as manipulative as they are, but my supply is obtained through empathy, kindness, and showing of affection...We both show off how intelligent we are...It's like a game. Other people bore me. What is this??? I know my sense of identity changes when I feel that my high status Narc has favored me. The part where he said "by proxy"...I use their lives to enhance my own. Sam knows.

I feel like I was falling down the path of an inverted narcissist as a result of my upbringing, but it wasn't until adolescence that I started to receive the criticisms that made me feel unworthy and not good enough. I don't think it was full blown narcissism as I do have deep connections with people and love for others, but believe I have strong tendencies that make it hard for me to develop relationships or have interest in others when not receiving the positive reinforcement and approval that I need from the right people. That constant desire to be perfect and sacrifice my time and effort into receiving validation for others. My only relationship has been with a primarily cerebral narcissist, and he was that source of validation that I had needed for a couple years. I didn't realize what he was at the time, but I did live vicariously through him. I lost many other friendships in this time. I also wasn't self aware of what I was doing during all this time, it was just my natural impulse, but I wasn't a happy, self-sufficient individual. I actually had the opportunity to do LSD for the first time and had an ego death experience, which really helped me to become self aware about these flaws and my reliance on others for validation. It's also helped me realize that I can change my behavior and hopefully that desire to be with narcissistic type people who will give me validation I so previously need to match up with my inner pride despite my low self esteem. My anxiety and depression has lifted and I truly feel like I've received a second chance at becoming a self-sufficient individual. And maybe a chance at functional real love. I wouldn't recommend it for everyone, but I can say this experience changed my life in such a positive away that no prescription drug had been even close to.

The craving to be controlled by a specific type can be an empty yet addictive worship.

@vforvoracious Inverted narcissists are narcissists who derive their narcissistic supply from classic narcissists and depend on them for gratification, attention, and adulation. Have ytou been listening to the video AT ALL????

My father neglected me completely, my mother smothered me, and my grandma abused me, and I was sexually molested over and over never saying a word. Zero self esteem even as a kindergarten Student.

I luv it when i find a mental disorder that I can happily say I dont have

I'm dating a younger women who's mother is from what I can see is a narcissists , she has a older brother who has learning disabilities , the brother can do no wrong , while my girlfriend is the scapegoat. It's been a few months and I am starting to see horrible patterns , my girlfriend is always complaining about how she is treated like shit , but she does nothing to change it. I asked her what is the longest you have been away from your mother and she said never more than a few hours . I thought this was strange , since she's an adult and living in the bay area . Her mother doesn't encourage her to do anything on her own, she depends on her mother to do everything . I cannot stand to see anyone be held down or treated unfairly , so when I think we are moving forward two steps it seems her mother pushes her back to the beginning.

I was born first and unfortunately my dad wanted a boy...so I was treated like one most of my childhood-my brothers also got it bad but my sisters no where near as bad. Unlike your dad, mine did hit & he couldn't stop...he destroyed anyone & anything in his path until he couldn't do any more damage. I was terrified of him most of my life. He was a sadistic cruel man. I moved very far away from my family as soon as I could. I haven't seen my parents in nearly 18 years, they are too toxic for me!

Explains so much of my family's behaviors

Thank you for this video. I have always been an inverted narcissist. This is almost completely accurate to me. I found strength here so thank you for taking the time to shed light on a complicated topic.

It has baffled all of us kids too. I guess denial is a pretty strong state of mind. Her allegiance was with her abusive husband & not with us kids unfortunately. I think she has always felt that she deserved to be abused. She used to ask me what I had done to piss my dad off-she was implying that I deserved whatever abuse he did to me b/c I had done something to set him off. In my book that was its own special kind of abuse-meaning that we were taught that other people's behavior was our fault.

I think that my mom has "learned helplessness", she lost the belief that she could survive without him. When I was 8 my mom started working the night shift & my dad starting beating me b/c she wasn't there to beat at night. She also once told me that b/c her parents had to sign a paper saying she could leave high school in order to marry my dad & she had to promise them that she would never get divorced. Even though her parents are dead now, she still feels obligated to honor that promise.

I so agree with you. The abuser never stops.

Clarity, finally. Thank you

This is really fucked up and i tought the narcissists was the most crazy ones.

My dad believes that he is perfect and there is nothing wrong with him. In his mind it is the rest of the world that has problems. I also think my dad is bipolar & a narcissist. I am the only one out of 5 kids that got away & I've stayed living away from my parents for the last 28 years. I couldn't handle the insanity anymore. I prefer to have peace & happiness in my life. Good luck with your situation!

OMG! You just described my father exactly! I know he had a very traumatic life filled with extreme tragedies, but I've always wondered about his parents who, by the way, he NEVER talked about. He never talked about any of his youth, life- 'Silent Generation'? Listening to this made me wonder, "What was done to him to make him turn out so broken?" Now I know why he married my mother, he couldn't have found a better match for his mirror image or a better abuser of me, her Scapegoat.... :-(. (btw, he died young, smoked/stressed himself into an early grave to escape her and all his disappointments (including me who could never meet the expectations...) I never even really knew him but I loved him so much, Cry Me a River...

When I moved far away from my family & started therapy, I shared what I was learning with my mom & she started going to a therapist too (in secret). After 6 weeks she called me all angry & she said wasn't ever going back to see the therapist. She told me she thought the therapist was going to teach her how to change my dad & she didn't want to hear that she should get out of the relationship. She said she was staying with my dad until one of them dies-it's the only way she thinks she'll get out!

Mmm ... interesting.... think I need to listen to this one again.

Sounds like this is a good time to keep educating yourself about your dad's issues & how not to play into his psychological game. These videos by Sam have been so helpful to me as I'm sure they have been for you. Nice talking to you too. Take good care of yourself:)

Very interesting and helpful. I happen to know 2 girls that are just friends and room together and one of them is the primary narcissist and the other is her little minion, the inverted narcissist. So glad that I unfriended the both of them when I realized what they were all about!

Thank you for this video. It shed some light on what I have to do to become a better person. I am working very hard to break my life pattern. This informative video really touched on a lot of what I find challenging in my life. Thankfully I found this video at the right time of my self improvement. This will help me get to the next level!

" a shadow waiting for the main body". wow! 😔

I think I'm an Inverted Narcissist. I CRAVE a relationship with only a Narcissist (not just any Narcissist). My daughter's father is a N. We were together (off and on) for 9 years. I think it was because I liked the drama.. the fighting, the sex. We always had this push/pull thing going on... I think I just finally pushed him too far. I've been alone now for almost 4 years. I want to find and be in a relationship with another one.. but I also want to be a good mom.

13 years ago You posted that and it helped me now ❤Thank You

I have been watching your videos, and I am looking for your book, you seem to get right to it. As for this video it definitely pushed some inner buttons but fortunately not all of them. Thank you for what you are doing here. I have had a crazy year and experienced a lot of emotional pain, it has cause me to do a lot of soul searching and you have shined a light on so much of my life. Thank you again for sharing your knowledge. Blessings.

Super helpful and interesting video. Thank you!!

Eye openning! How could I be so nieve!

This was really clear and helpful. Thank you, Professor. :)

I am a serial "victim" of toxic women. Am I a Co-dependent? Yes... or am I? You talk about inverted Narcissists but, based on the work I have done on myself and journey of self discovery, I have concluded that we are actually diametrically opposite to Narcissist - We are Malignant self haters.

This was brilliant !

My mom & dad both dropped out of high school to get married, my mom was 15 when she got engaged, married at 16 & had me at 17. She once told me my dad started beating her when she was 4 months preg. with me. There are 4 more kids after me, every 5 years a new kid.Which was my dad's plan-to keep my mom b/c she had a new infant when the last one started school. I believe my dad would have harmed my mom if she had ever left him & she knew this very well. Dad now controls every move she makes

impressive! muchas gracias!

This dude is effing brilliant.

Anytime!

@jjazeraca These may be of help - click on the links: The Narcissist's Victims vaksam.tripod.com/faq38.html Victim Reactions to Abuse by Narcissists and Psychopaths vaksam.tripod.com/personalitydisorders70.html Mourning the Narcissist vaksam.tripod.com/faq68.html The Three Forms of Closure vaksam.tripod.com/abuse17.html Back to La-la Land vaksam.tripod.com/journal78.html The Spouse/Mate/Partner of the Narcissist vaksam.tripod.com/faq6.html Divorcing the Narcissist and the Narcissistic Psychopath - How Do I Get Rid of Him? vaksam.tripod.com/5.html Traumas as Social Interactions vaksam.tripod.com/trauma.html How Victims are Affected by Abuse vaksam.tripod.com/abusefamily21.html How Victims are Affected by Abuse - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) vaksam.tripod.com/abusefamily22.html How Victims are Affected by Abuse - Recovery and Healing vaksam.tripod.com/abusefamily23.html Rescue Fantasies - Surviving the Narcissist vaksam.tripod.com/faq80.html The Malignant Optimism of the Abused vaksam.tripod.com/journal27.html The Inverted Narcissist - Codependence and Relationships with Abusive Narcissists vaksam.tripod.com/faq66.html Codependence and the Dependent Personality Disorder vaksam.tripod.com/personalitydisorders22.html The Dependent Patient - A Case Study vaksam.tripod.com/personalitydisorders56.html Danse Macabre - Trauma bonding and the Stockholm Syndrome vaksam.tripod.com/abusefamily.html The Cult of the Narcissist vaksam.tripod.com/journal79.html Narcissists and Personality disordered Mates, Spouses, and Partners groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/narcissisticabuse/conversations/messages/5013 Projection and Projective Identification - Abuser in Denial groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/narcissisticabuse/conversations/messages/5002 Approach-Avoidance Repetition Complex and Fear of Intimacy groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/narcissisticabuse/conversations/messages/5000 Guilt? What guilt? groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/narcissisticabuse/conversations/messages/4931 Narcissists, psychopaths, sex, and marital fidelity groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/narcissisticabuse/conversations/messages/4920 The Narcissist or Psychopath Hates your Independence and Personal Autonomy groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/narcissisticabuse/conversations/messages/4959 I miss him so much - I want him back! groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/narcissisticabuse/conversations/messages/4934 Participate in discussions about Abusive Relationships - click on these links: plus.google.com/communities/116582645889927140499 www.runboard.com/bnarcissisticabuserecovery thepsychopath.freeforums.org/ The Narcissistic Abuse Study List health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/ The Toxic Relationships Study List groups.yahoo.com/group/toxicrelationships Abusive Relationships Newsletter groups.google.com/group/narcissisticabuse/

I'm so confused where i fall in these terms. I feel I might be an inverted narcissist. I have really low self esteem, ( due to recent abuse by narcissist partner and family ). I am getting stronger and do not wish to be pushed around any longer. I have always been a people pleaser, but do not seek their validation, rather just fear misbehaving or not following rules. (Ex: School and work). Now, l step up for my ideas, and in result I get called a rebel and some people try to be put back "in my place". I do aim for perfection and constantly challenge myself to do better than myself. I do not, by any means feel better than or "perfect". People point out how well I work and I constantly get compliments, but I wish they would stop. I'm afraid to bring the negative attentions of others. Reason for this fear is that I have been accused of lying or cheating (by my peers, classmates and coworkers) my way to finish any task faster than everyone else, but I'm only challenging myself (I do this to not get bored, while doing a repetitive task. I learn faster and more efficient ways to do things, but I must admit that at times I develop slight OCD. Although I consider myself a messy person). I find myself annoying, and boring to others. In the eyes of my own husband, "I love to show off, and put others down." Which I don't. I do feel like an outsider, but I'm nowhere near proud of it. All I know is that I do not what abuse, but I wouldn't abuse anyone either. Though out this whole life experience (26 yrs old). I feel I don't know myself, in the past I didn't know about my own intentions or the reason I said or did certain things. I'm working on this constantly, but I'm unsure if I should get help.

Surely you’re talking about my part time therapist mom. And I was sacrificed by her to my abusive narcissistic step father.

How does this relate to repetition compulsion? Can someone crave to be in a relationship with a narcissist because of a need to repeat the trauma (for various reasons)?

As bad as it was, I've come to realize it is survivable. One of the best things I've done for myself is to stop giving him 'free rent' in my head. He's still an ass, but has little impact on my life anymore.

@DJSpinoza Because 75% of all diagnosed narcissists are male as are 80% of all diagnosed codependents. Still, there are female narcissist (see the relevant video on my channel).

what do you say of selflessness as a means to an end-a token of exchange-selflessness as an expression of love in hopeful expectation of acceptance as a reward..? is that still narcissism?

You can learn more about me on my website samvakdottripoddotcom

Hi Sam, I have an n=1 example of some insight, rationale for repression of the narcissistic self-defence. The inverted narcissist in this case was raised in a patriarchal household where everything revolved around the father and his authority and superiority. What was different about this superior figure in his life was he ruled by disallowing opinions and emotions that he deemed confrontational, socially unpleasant, discordant with neighbours, friends or anything that may challenge his own authoritarian beliefs, or ideas of amicability or consensus. His home life was not emotionally responsive or reactive, and feelings, (more so negative expression of feelings), needs, opinions were repressed to present a false reality of harmony and accord. As an adult, he displays a highly negativistic attitude, a hostile temperament while talking about how much he learnt from the Landmark Forum and the positivity of it's teachings in relation to "creating possibilities". I am personally unfamiliar with such teachings and can't provide validation of this. He remembers being sent to a psychologist in his early teens and the psychologist asking him "why don't you love your mother?" As unethical as such a leading question sounds coming from a psychologist and how unreliable a pathological persons is, I wonder if telling me this information was a psychopathic ploy to gain empathy and pity?He gave no other information as to what was going on to understand this contextually. I asked follow up questions and I got no response as he frustrated any further attempt I made to understand. He did reveal he was a bully at school and got into fights, he revealed some juvenile delinquency attaining a dislike of authority, drinking and stealing, and partaking in extreme dares, or exhibitionist behaviour to prove his masculinity in his youth, for example, riding his bike off the roof of a friends house into a swimming pool below. He recalled hiding his behaviour from his parents and lying about his whereabouts or plans when I asked a follow up question from the most recent and rare of stories about his childhood. He remains held in the belief that his dad is an amazing man to the point of mythologising him and his wonderful childhood that had him relocating to three different states during his formative years due to his fathers work, and talks about experiencing extreme poverty, but then talks about his dad being the head honcho of a business and all the employees loving him and respecting him. Does this correlate with any of your inconclusive thoughts?

Oh my goodness, this video describes me to a tee. My father was a classical narcissist, and my mother died when I was 15, at which point I was raised exclusively by him. I think I have a few (one is too many!) classically narcissistic traits that I picked up from him, but I also resonate a lot with this video. Is there a treatment for this, or am I a lost cause?

This is so me...

@mongolenpup See the video about 2 narcissists in a relationship on my KZfaq channel.

I believe I have some codependency tendencies but I'm not a narcissist. Will you be doing any videos solely on codepency without it being linked to narcissism?. I enjoy your videos and the way you express yourself is clear and the information concise enough to comprehend the subject at hand. Thank you!. I've learnt a lot from your channel.

you are describing me sadly... whay should i do to change this?

I am deff an inverted Narc, my husband is a Cerebral Narc( who has ignored me for months with no communication). He is my 3rd Narc husband but the worst by far. It's not good at all. I thought that I just had co dependent tendencies. I am also an INFJ which is 1% of the population, wonder if that plays any part in it? It helps to learn about this subject in order to deal with it. TY.

Dr. Vaknin, I meet all of the criteria for the inverted narcissist, however, I have repeatedly been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder/CPTSD, due to growing up as the only child of a sadistic mother . I have tried countless times to discuss Inverted Narcissism with therapists, however, they tell me I am definitely not a Narcissist because of a my very low self-esteem, severe lack of confidence, and my ability to sympathize with others, and it is terribly frustrating to be brushed off as being ignorant. I live in somewhat of a rural area, and I don't have access to a therapist who specializes in NPD. Is there anything I can do to help myself? I've been in therapy for 30 years, and I don't feel that I've improved one iota. Is there an online support group for Narcissists? I am only able to find groups for people who have been abused by those with NPD., and tend to classify them as monsters. Thank you for your time.

This sounds partially familiar

I have some of these traits but I’m highly compassionate and caring too . I have been single for 3 years now . I don’t want to go out with manipulating men . How can we regulate ourselves. I love my daughter and my animals .

do you think a borderline could be an inverted narcasist? sacrificing herself to a narcasist as a form of punishment/ self harm

My mother was a narcissit. My ex was a sadistic socio. I have chosen 3 partners in my life. Now I watch this and realize much of it explains why I have gravitated toward narcs. ( Is there something in between. I dont fit every criterian. )

Can someone tell me what kind of relationship i had with my elder sibling. He always wants to help me, be around me, physically show love to me (not in a bad way).. He was so clingy..i told him several times that i dont like to be shown physical affection this often..but he said he just loves me and asks me why i dint like to be hugged always... I didn't know why but i didn't like that kind of love... He said i was selfish and bad.. He also added he loves me despite of my selfishness... I felt powerless..this happened to me for 3 years.. I dont know how to interpret this because no one in my family takes this seriously?!

Thank you Sam, so insightful, Also so confusing. Is it possible that people can switch over their lifetime from one form of narcissism to another form? I keep feeling my mother was during her marriage and some years after an inverted narcsissist, but became full blown narc after her marriage ended and she remained single, but also this compulsive giver, with always strings attached and never satisfied and always critizing people who of course never meet her moralistic standards. It even seems she is becoming even MORE openly narcissistic, the older she gets. As if the thin layer of civilized interpersonal communication has been worn off......?

Wow, that’s me. I even wear clothing from head to toe with Lucky’s name on it. Lucky Brand is my favorite brand. I am branded “Lucky” to be with Lucky. I don’t exist and often feel earthquaking and erasing when I am not receiving attention. Like the earth is moving and My presence is disappearing. I hate getting raises at work. I hate climbing the latter. I under earn. I don’t use my education except in helping others get ahead. I need to give gifts and am sad if they are rejected. And I cry rivers of pain without a Classic Narcissist by my side. I prefer 2 or 3 men so I am not alone facing the abyss. I don’t need or enjoy sex unless it’s to keep someone around. OCD and perfectionism control me and I am sadly envious and often controlling. Raging when my zero self is threatened with love or even kindness.

I don't know what is sadder. The Narcissist or the Inverted Narcissist. But I have witnessed Inverted behavior by my ex mother in law and it is pathetic and degrading. When her Narcissist husband of 40 years tried to discard her. She went "loony" to get him back. Now they have been married for 53 years. They have a toxic symbiosis.

The inverted "pretender", the snarer of bait of need, at sacrifice of short term gain, yet withdraws most times infront of face, yet the agenda is a big one, to smack you at the finale and trap you like a bear :) and kill you like you are fickle fish and rob you like you were always a beggar.

Is it possible to switch between overt and inverted narc styles, to carry them both as poles of an oscillating electro-magnet? My context: I find a lot of resonance with your inverted type. Getting almost pissed off when people contest my self-perceived worthlessness, deliberately losing at ping pong as an adolescent, singling out my physical weaknesses so I can 'accidentally' injure myself in sports, thinking I am doomed to stand in the shadow of men who get the success in love and sex that I told myself I would never get. While at other times I overcompensate by viewing myself as pure and destined for all the great things and more deserving than any other member of the entire human race. I'm very curious to hear your thoughts, Prof. Vaknin

BRH, This was who your poor Mom was, WAITING HAND & FT on Your Father , for Her Beloved Pastorial SelfRigious Demigod 🚩 ..... Thank You Sam ✌🏼

My mom had to work a full time job and take of my dad & us kids. But he would call her at work & call her horrible names & accuse her of cheating on him. To my knowledge she never did cheat on him or he on her. My mom is nearly 70 now & still working a full time job, I think it's her only escape from his narc. insanity. But he controls everything she does outside of work, it just makes me sick actually & I'm not able to talk to her much anymore. I can't stand her martyrdom..she chooses to stay.

This is my mother, 100%..

could a introvert turn into a covert from day to day depending on our moods im very confused

Inverted Narcissist: mystery solved.

Is it possible for a narcissist to have almost a split personality? To be both classic and inverted, and for each side of the personality to feed the other? Or would this be more of a covert narcissist?

Random comment/question…. I feel as though I am an inverted narcissist. I feel dead is all other relationships. I found out my current partner cheated and then discarded me. It kind of made me break. I am so sad. It’s almost like I’m decomposing! Will I switch to another self-state, like a borderline? Do inverted narcissists switch when they are mortified? Or will I just drown in my own self-pity until I find a new narcissist? I do not feel as regulated as I did when I was with him. I’m very sad even though I knew he was a narcissist and I knew he would do this. But I am just unable to change. I am who I am…. Thank you, my Sam God!’

but is it the same than conarcisist?

Thanks for letting me know that I am not alone in my traumatic childhood experiences. Sorry your dad was an ass too:( And yes, I can laugh at some of the things my dad used to say and do when I was a kid.

I related to this label for a long time, but I don't think it's real anymore.

My mom is also inverted narcissist

most of it anyways. i help people in secret too, not in full view because i believe God does not reward me if it's out in the open.

4:22 7:48

OMG...It's me. :/

scary...i think that's me

So an inverted Narc is different to a covert Narc?

A person be an inverted narc and an empath?

Yikes. Every one explains me to a T.

mooooooooom

My daughter is so sick and seeks to control or hold us hostage to her wants and desires! Very sad and grandparents raised her and when they couldn't control her dumped her on me w/ no car no child support , ugh