Parentified during childhood Infantilized during adolescence and adulthood

The only way I survived my narcissistic parents was to be compliant. I couldn't have any feelings. I had to be what they wanted and needed for them to accept me. I had to go no contact with my entire narcissistic family system for my mental and physical health.

_There are two things you should never waste your time on: things that don't matter and people who think that you don't matter_

I remember telling my parents I wanted to be "my own self" as a teenager. I got laughed at, but I think I was actually very perceptive about what was going on.

Believing that I could not survive on my own drove my entire life, but I never realized that was what was happening. I just thought I was a pathetic loser.

I think by the time we need to go to college/work.. we are utterly crippled. So what we ‘believe’ is secondary to the fact we are utterly disempowered, traumatised and very very vulnerable by this time. In my case just a walking target for predators. It’s only once we find some kind of independence, safety, and therapy, that we can explore the mechanics of our beliefs.

That abusive position that narcissistis do seek is pure evil, inhuman and disgusting. Not leaving your child to develope a healthy sense of power is just....cowardly and horrendous.

This is all soooo familiar! I feel like I'm "adulting" in my late 50s. I'd be interested in learning about being parentifed and infantilized at the same time by parents. I believe I was by my parents making me feel responsible for their feelings and bad things happening, while also letting me know i can't handle life without them telling me what I should do. This created in me feeling responsible for everyone else while at the same time feeling out of control of my own life.

So timely. Grappling with this exact thing at the moment. In my case it wasn't just being powerless towards the parent, but the whole family. I grew up feeling like my siblings (and even cousins) were allowed to go their own way and build their own lives, but I had to remain stuck and inferior. In a perpetual state of waiting. Sadly this has continued well into adulthood. Facing this has been one of the most confronting things I've done.

This was so relatable. I never really felt like an adult even into my thirties. I'm behind my other friends in many areas because I never followed my own path but kept living to please my narc parent, who to this day, wants to keep me at home as a live-in maid.

I have actually used that word, “inconsequential” to describe how I felt growing up. My feelings, thoughts, opinions, boundaries, needs…. Just inconsequential, I didn’t matter, until I was agreeing with my parents. I was only enjoyed and appreciated if I was being cheerful and obedient. Otherwise I would get a treated with contempt and rejection. I learned to smile and enter into their interests, and had no interests of my own. I am 55 years old now and living my best life, finally! I am divorced from a narcissist, and was his scapegoat too. Through my years and years of healing I have learned so much and grown so much. Thank you Jay, for speaking truth into what happened to me. You are one of the most kind and wise therapists, and I’m so grateful for your videos on this topic. Scapegoat survivor of narcissistic parents and partners.

This totally explains why I have always felt more “loved” by my mother when I was weak and dysfunctional. I relate very much to Ira.

Please don't wait until you are 64 to find this information and figure it out. I am amazed and devastated...at the same time. But I'll tell you what: It explains EVERYTHING. And that's a start.

This was significant for me. My Father and mother would both do thiese diminishing things as i grew up, but my Father used it as a weapon. He'd make it impossible for me to adult up and would then shame the crap out of me for not having my stuff together. This has extended so much into my adult life. I literally can not feel equal among adults and im 38 lol

YES !! Not only did my narcissistic mother not want me to have autonomy-but my enabling father projected his fears of the world onto me. I’ve been settling for an easy and comfortable life, but it feels like an extension of them sowing fear within me.

I got goosebumps reading the validating comments, we're not alone..

Progressing forward terrifies me

"...nobody to no one..." yep. I still feel that way.

My Mother would not have SURVIVED if she didn't have me to manipulate and enslave. I was a GOOD CHILD but she just flipped all of that to POOR HER! That way she could treat me like SHIT and get "empathy" from EVERYONE! Though NO ONE did anything for her she got them to scorn and ridicule ME!

I find these videos so helpful. As the scapegoated kid in the family I've never achieved my potential. I've always kept myself smaller than I really am. In a highly competitive narcissistic family I basically refused to play the game. I tried to be doing different things than any of my siblings so that I wasn't competing with any of them directly to the best degree possible. It sounds yucky but I'm really glad my dad died when I was eleven. Things were still very bad in the family as far as sibling abuse after that. And I remained a wallflower a bit and kept myself small anyway only being willing to shine in the areas that I knew that I was standout and different from my siblings. But that inspired their jealousy and again I shrunk and kept myself small. My mom protected me from the scapegoat role But as soon as she was dead my siblings put me right back in that role. Went no contact almost eleven years ago and it was the right thing to do one hundred percent.

Every single time that I lived on my own, I thrived; bills paid on time, job consistency, etc. Every single time I went back to living with my narcissistic parents, I went on a downward departure.

I made a huge mistake moving back in with family. My ignorance led me to believe that things would have changed after so many years but boy was I wrong.

Lol this is how I felt. I only loved working on my own because I was not that confident working in groups.🎉

‘It may get delayed, but it won’t get denied’ 💖💖💖💖

‘Leaves the child in an a-moral and powerless world’ ‘Lives in a dictatorship as a forced subject’ OMG ‘not enough submission’ !!! ‘Heartless contempt in his eyes’ Wow….. so much truth 🌸 🌸 🌸

In my forties I took up karate and worked my way to a black belt. My father said" Why are you wasting your time on this?" I said - "Well, I don't feel intimated by people so much anymore. There was a dead silence.

It's so degrading - but it never stops, even into old age. This is when the narcissistic parent really leans into deploying their flying monkeys. They really destroy families.

In being discarded by a narcissistic wife, I realized that I had a narcissist for a parent.

We are safe and we are loved. Our authenticity is more than enough. We know ourselves and what we need better than anyone ever will. The greatest contribution we can make to this experience we are all sharing is to nurture our own integrity so that we can share freely from abundance.

I keep isolating myself and it makes my personal world very small. This gives me so much anxiety and makes me feel like I'll end up all alone. I feel like I don't have a safe group of people I can hang out with

Do I ever relate to this. My Mom was so overbearingly dominant her own siblings called her little Napoleon. Being no one to nobody was exactly how she made me feel. 😢

I was made to feel very scared of the outside world. I realised when I finally got into it and faced my fears, that it wasn't that bad, as long as you took care of yourself, watched your finances, took care of any special needs, eg, medication, addictions, not letting them run you. My father is an alcoholic, so he buys too much booze then blames others for being short on dough. I'm the only member of my immediate family whose ever lived on their own. I basically told that I couldn't do this, based on the experience of others, that it would be terrifying. Now that I'm here, it's far better than living with nasty company. I like my own company. That's one upside of getting away from my narcissistic father. He still picks at me when he gets the chance, but otherwise it's out of sight, out of mind. He acts, and always has done. He puts on an act for various people, implying he likes and/or does things that he doesn't - it's easy to see because it's incredibly false! I don't know why he does this. Perhaps it's his way of trying to impress others, revealing his insecure side. All the world is NOT a stage! I will never understand people who talk to you when they're alone with you, but ignore you when others are around. What's it support to mean? My father does that. If I know someone, I know someone, full stop, end of story. Is it normal for one child to be beaten about throughout their life, metaphorically and literally, but for the other one to be treated like a child without fault? Throughout my life from the age of about 2 years, my father has hit me, yelled at me, put me down, told me my marks weren't good enough, held grudges against me about things that he caused, teased me about the way I looked, made negative remarks about my appearance and so on and so forth. In spite of this he's never had a bad thing to say about/to my younger brother. My brother is 3 years younger than I am, but he's perfect, according to my father. I've been through so many accidents and horrendous episodes, but they made no difference. I was knocked unconscious from going down a waterslide at the age of 12. I'd been told not to do this previously, so when my father spat poison at me afterwards, I was too scared to mention what had happened (all he knew was that I'd gone down the waterslide). I was never taken to hospital for examination. A month later I started having strange seizures which went on for 8 years before my parents could be convinced that I needed examination or treatment, ie, I wasn't trying to get attention. Now, my parents' house that suburb, etc cause flashbacks from many events throughout my life, but my brother still doesn't understand why, despite observing all the crap I went through. I have Generlised Anxiety Disorder. My brother is slightly anxious, but he wouldn't have a clue! I grew up thinking it was normal for your father to hit your mother, your parents to constantly scream, to see your brother put on a pedestal, to be treated like something someone had stepped in, and the like. I've had several abusive relationships, no successful ones where I'm treated with respect. My brother's married but I'm still single and I recently turned 50. I see my life as a f'ck up. I wasn't allowed to work as I grew up. McDonald's as it wasn't good enough, according to my father. I have a B.A. in Linguistics, and tried to continue into Speech Pathology, but had a nervous breakdown. Despite my seizures having been controlled, because my anxiety was so high during the Speech Pathology degree, they came back. Anxiety & Epilepsy are perfect partners! They set each other off all the time. I eventually found other work, but handed in my resignation as I couldn't tolerate being bullied. All of these experiences really leave me wondering why or how my brother could have NO IDEA about my state of mind. Anyway, no point worrying about it.

I was parentified and infantilized well into my early 20s. I am 47 years old now and still often feel like I'm pretending to be an adult.

Extremely relatable from my experience, only to add that in my case, from my teen years on, my mother (having divorced my father and remarried) started treating me as competition as a woman. Never ended.

Hi Jay, thanks so much for this video. I myself, as the scapegoat to a gransiose malignant narcissist father, have, unfortunately, lived through this awful and debilitating scenario as well. Though talented, I always felt that it wasn't right to employ my talents and be an adult. That's fortunately changed now, but sometimes I still 'mourn' the many years I 've lost in this way. Being an adult is having your own opinions, convictions, preferences and tastes, which is unacceptable to the narcissist, as this questions the ultimate validity and superiority of their own opinions, which is simply unacceptable to them. This has been very insightful Jay, thanks for that!

They day u walk away is the sense of freedom and self respect

Thank you for all you do, Jay. This one is so accurate to my experience, it isn't funny. I'll add that in family mobbing systems, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins will also work for the Narc, reinforcing these false beliefs in the scapegoat.

This really hit home. Not only I was compliant.. way too much compliant to stand up for myself for equitable treatment even at the expense of my financial and physical well-being. Nothing I did ever mattered ...it kept getting worse and worse.

This is pure Gold! Thank you so much! I remember dreading going home after cheerleading practice. Because I had to cook and clean before I can even start on my homework and take care of my siblings. Sometimes I would be up past 11pm doing my homework. I actually volunteered to take care of my siblings too and other peoples kids, subconsciously I think I volunteered because I got some good validation from people saying I took better care of the kids than my mom and since I didn’t get too many well dones from my parents this was a small way of getting some positivity. Thanks so much for this guidance.

You described exactly how I was raised. The part where Ira packaged his insight as an apology made my jaw drop.

let me just say... i am convinced that anorexia and bulimia are ways the child resists growing up, but in the body. there is a desire to remain undeveloped physically, which parallels the shame of growing up psychologically.

Jay could you please do a video on how narc parents pity the child? Something like a mix of contempt and pity of the same exact milestones goals that they prevented in the child in the first place? An in depth analysis of this would be extremely helpful thank you 🙏🏼 much love and respect ❤

Jay, can you address disgust as it relates to one’s narcissistic parents? A sense of disgust- even nausea- arises when I have an epiphany listening to your videos, or when I realize I’m subconsciously defending myself I’m often disgusted by my family or others. It also arises toward myself following an epiphany or difficult interaction, though I often don’t see the link until later.

IRA and I had the same tyrannical (non)father. No narc parent is nurturing because narcs are devoid empathy. If there's nurturing witnessed by others, it's a facade done for image sake. Thank you Jay for speaking on this subject. Would love to hear more on not being afraid to be powerful; I believe this is the crux of CPTSDers struggles for a successful life issue. Your delivery is clear and ideas well expressed. 🌈💁🌹🌿🌳🌊

It was always helpful to just lie regarding what I was going to do... not that I ever did anything risky or naughty. It was rather a subconscious assumption that my true actions would inevitably wind up being used to make me look disrespectful, non-compliant, etc. The rules always changed, and never applied to any of the other siblings. On that note: Jay, I would love for you to consider addressing the poisonous family dynamics among siblings & scapegoat, that are the ultimate result of a family structure headed by a narc (or two). Thank you so much for all of your insight and support- it is priceless to so many of us.

My parents tried to tell me that the world was unsafe, but I never believed it until I moved to a small town where it actually was. I hope public safety professionals won't use the presence of CPTSD to deny when the lack of safety is real.

As soon as I am with another , I hand over my power , its automatic in me

My revenge is to not be them and end the cycle by not having children.

I appreciate the "story" of Ira. My husband NEVER asked me to do something for him and he NEVER said please or thank you but when I did the same to him, he acted disgruntled and would either take his time or say "why can't you do it?" If I was busy already doing something else and said "just a minute" he'd say, "I need it NOW" or would question me what I was doing that was sooooo important! Expected me to always EXPLAIN myself, actions, preferences etc. to the point that I still struggle with accepting my own reasons as good and adequate. MY reasons and MY ways not his!!!

Ive been narcissisticly abused by both parents all my life. After my father died there was some peace... Such pained people only stop causing this hell and musery on earth 🌎 when they leave....thank you Dr Reid ❤

I am so thrilled and happy to see the 3 pillars of recovery are things I have been gradually working on and making steps in! Yay! I have been severely psychologically abused by my father and by extension, my siblings who were pressured into attacking me on his behalf. Fucking disgusting behavior. Anyway, I've been no contact for like 2 years now, or at least it seems like that long. I live out of my car right now and have felt entirely lost and powerless for a long time and have sever trust issues because of him and how manipulative and abusive he and others in my close life have been. ); I feel like I am finding my power again, and it does feel like I am "disobeying" him when I do, but I feel like I am building each pillar little by little evenly as I grow and heal, so that soon, I'll have 3 full solid pillars in my life! pray for me! -JC

I was chosen by parents to be the scapegoat, the 'no-good, never-will-be-any-good lowlife' of the nuclear unit. They needed to project their insecurities onto me so that they could function as the model neighbors and family. I felt crushed for years, afraid to go out and mingle with other people. In my junior year of H.S., I finally had a small group of friends who accepted me. I didn't know why they accepted me but having that little bit of support propelled me to take up gymnastics again and I joined my school team. Neither my parents nor anyone else in the family came to 2 years worth of meets. I wasn't great but I could flip and was happy flipping. Doing it despite the lack of recognition helped me survive my high school years and left me with the notion that finding what I liked to do could help me. I felt completely unprepared for adulthood. Didn't have any confidence or power. I didn't get back up until my mid-30s when I found theater. Finding what you like to do can give you power over your own life. Learning about what happened to you is also extremely helpful. Thanks.

I am watching this one a third time. There is so much to learn herein. Dear Mr. Reid, you are actually explaining to me my childhood! It's as if you were there. As I learn more, I feel a knot loosening, letting me be freer. I know I will watch this one many times. You are genuinely life-saving. I thank you so much!

I was the scapegoat in the family. I always had a hard time growing up, having goals and just feeling worthwhile. 😪 thanks for the information 🙏

This is such a useful channel for narcissistic and scapegoat recovery. My favorite, actually. Your roadmap is simple and consistent, and your focus is on the recoverer, not on the toxic people, which is helpful for us co-dependents

Thank you for this teaching. It was SO eye 👁pening! It explains why it was (and STILL is) so hard for me to accept my parents as being narcissists, EVEN THOUGH they show me they are through their actions every day. When I was grade school/middle school age, it felt as if they genuinely loved me and cared for me. But starting with high school on up they started showing outright disdain 4 me even though I NEVER got in trouble & was in a ton of extra-curricular activities which reflected well on them. But it was also around that time I started being more unmoving in my personal convictions. Even though I sensed the reason, you articulated it better. They started resenting me the older I got because I grew out of that age range where they still believed they could mold me into their image. As long as I was still malleable as a lil' child, then they could ✌🏾love✌🏾 me easier. The cognitive dissonance of being "love-b💣mbed" for years as a lil' child from birth to high school causes when trying to cope with suddenly being treated like the worst enemy of the 2 people who claimed you were their world is earth-shattering. I felt there has to be something wrong with MY perception & recollection of events in order to make sense of the "day & night" behavior of my parents because I didn't want to accept their "unconditional love" WAS nothing BUT conditional, although I sensed thos emotionally since I was a young child. I knew they didn't really mean it when they saud "You can tell us anything & we won't be mad" cuz I can't tell them ANYTHING that goes against the narratives in their heads or they will RAGE 🤬 against me, no matter how respectful I am with my opinions. I don't know if I'll ever fully be at peace at the contradiction in their behavior towards me in my younger years & the stark change in their behavior when I became a young adult. But thanks for giving me a new perspective to process my thoughts.

the best way I can describe this is like -- they are domineering, gain power, and then when the victim falls they pity and gain more power.... can you please do a video on this

This is the first narc abuse video that I’ve seen on this topic, and it describes my life perfectly. I remember being terrified of becoming a teenager as a kid, because of the fear of not being loved by my parents anymore when I did. As a teen and young adult, I often felt guilty for growing up, although in reality, I never fully did grow up. I developed health issues over the years, and have been forced to live with my narc parents for life, as I’m not able to work enough to support myself financially.

Wow… this is my experience in a nutshell. I have come to the realization of me sabotaging my own life but this so perfectly explains the why. I live in florida and have always been searching for answers. This is Hugh for me, Thank you Jay❤

Deep and congruent analysis this episode Dr Reid. I see your talents to guide the scapegoat/victim out into the wilder pastures. 🙏

Hello, I'm a scapegoat survivor. I found this video helpful. To mirror myself and hear things that are familiar to me. I also feel that saying something is stupid and inappropriate. I have an enormous feeling of anxiety after I have said something. When I speak to adults, or to a doctor or social worker, I feel that they get angry when I share my opinion and knowledge on the subject. That I have to be submissive. Like they treat me like a mental patient and they must be the superior ones. I have a feeling this is the real case. But I don't know, maybe it's my perception. And I need to change my mindset.

It would be really helpful to hear examples of coercive, sabotaging and manipulative narcissists instead of so many identical authoritarian types. It's sometimes hard to relate since that is not my experience of narcissistic abuse

Iras therapist sounds really good If I could find someone like that then maybe theres hope off recovery

This is so accurate. This is exactly the mechanism used by the narcissist, and they are soul killing. It is Unrelenting and Horrific.

There are so many insights inspired by this video, helping me to at last understand how my life played out at each stage. So very grateful, Dear Jay🧡🧡🧡

Jay, thank you for this excellent video. I relate completely. Although my parents gave the appearance of wanting me to grow up and become self-dependant they actually relished every time I would falter. I became an alcoholic (like my dad) and of course this made my role as scapegoat more pronounced. These times of being reviled and pitied by my family was interspersed with times of being "chosen" for good things, like going overseas. It was all so crazy making. Anyway, 3 years no contact with the mother and siblings and I am gaining a better understanding of my true self. I am finally becoming a self-reliant and responsible adult. And not a day to soon as I have young children to raise. I can get a better understanding now too of how to be a supportive parent with unconditional love as my children will soon enter adolescence. I am very grateful towards you for all this valuable information.

Are there any resources on mourning the life you’ve lost due to narcissists?

As a scapegoat I found during healing that I was taught I was wrong all the time and unloveable with a fear of abandonment. Once I uncovered that in my unconscious, everything changed for the better. I became the scapegoat because I wouldn't sell my soul to my alcoholic, narcissistic parents

Three things every child needs...1), Acceptance. ..i.e. unconditional love. 2), Validation. ..an Atta boy/girl when the child pitches in, or accomplishes something positive. 3), Encouragement...what do you want to do with your life...I'll help you get there. Three things the children of narcs never got....ALL OF THE ABOVE !! NOW WE NEED TO GIVE THESE THINGS TO OURSELVES.

My God this is so smart and clear, so much said . Thankyou , this is EXACTLY ALL OF it. LAYERED REASONS all happening at the same time , over and over and over and over and over again. Decades of breaking one down. Until there is Nothing inside to love in oneself.. I am the Eldest sibling of a malignant Narcissistic Mother. Eldest of five. I AM THE SCAPEGOAT. of the family. Cruel ugly destruction. Soul murder No less than SOUL MURDER. Thank you 🙏🏻

Damn this is on point 💯

My family can be psychologically deranged and intrusive that try to diminish me. Their flying monkeys... I don't feel emotionally connected to anybody in the world yet and I always feel hated Everywhere I Go

I was the youngest and received nothing but beatings and neglect. When it was my turn to go off to college, my mother begged me not to leave her. My father was a raging, abusive alcoholic. My mother had never once protected me from his anger. Yet, it was my job to stay home to protect her. I essentially never left. I lived at home while in school. When I moved out, she spent so much time with me that it was as of I still lived at home. I've her full-time caregiver now. My siblings, who she gave so much to, never looked back when they were free. I was meant to stay a child. I was intended to be kept small. To never have hopes or dreams. My job was to take care of them and their anger and anxiety. I grieve my youth. I grieve going from abused child to the mother of my own mother and my own 3 kids. I never had a life of my own... strictly for me. And I think that's how she likes it.

In a sea of NPD related videos & “professionals” simply repeating the same overarching mantras as the last… This video is a breath of fresh air. Thank you brother. I stumbled upon a profound mental connection. All the best

Jay, you continue to help so much. This message provides solid validation of both my situation and the changes I am implementating. Thank you!!

Ive been emotionally/mentally abandoned for years. I like these videos when i feel unbearable emotional abandonment. I feel crippled often i dont even go out anymore Thanks again.

This is also for the fawning parent. Narc and fawner can treat scapegoat child this way….esp terrible bcuz child might feel bad for the fawning parent. Such A cluster f*k of enmeshment, disassociation, stuck in a child-like mentality, can’t make goals, no solid skills,no ‘tribe’ bcuz can’t hold adult friendships etc

Rough one today.. I had to stop..I kept disassociating in the first few minutes..and involuntarily going back to Junior high school in my mind... That is a hard transition for normal kids.. Mine was SO weird because I was the top graduate of my grammar school... and somehow the Junior high school thought that should be the criterion for becoming a CHEERLEADER..WTF? LOL My CRAZY ABUSIVE MAW NOW THOUGHT I WAS WONDERFUL.. she obviously wanted to live through me..I was going to be the smart, pretty academically gifted cheerleader..LOLOL.. After NEVER buying me clothes ( relatives did)... I suddenly got all kinds of crazy sh*t ..TOO big ( I pinned everything)..CRAZY colors..CRAZY shoes..lol.. Oh dear...if a friend of my aunt's had not been my size ...and very flighty and generous..I would have been the strangest dresser in the school.. This VERY generous lady had MORE BEAUTIFUL clothes everytime I went by to visit my aunt..lol I REALLY looked good in HER almost new hand me downs... BUT...had to hide the fact that I did not wear my "mother's CLOWN CLOTHES... WOW... So I went back to the video...and kept saying out loud..Uh huh...Un huh Un huh and seeing the movie of my TRYING to be ME...and getting more CLOWN CLOTHES for my "Ninth Grade Party" which ...I HAD to wear... I went...sneaked out the side..taking the bus home.. SHE had taken my sisters TO THE SCHOOL to take pictures of me in my GIANT DRESS..LOL..AND REALLY WEIRD SHOES..LOL She came HOME SCREECHING..."EVERYBODY SAID YOU LEFT... YOU LEFT ALL THOSE CUTE BOYS...WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU" ..LOL I said.."You always get mad if dinner is late" And kept on cooking.. She was SO confused she forgot to hit me... WHAT A SH*T show of a life... I got immediately into the big band first flute in one year, sold my cheerleader outfit to a girl who really wanted to be one...negotiated with the advisor to let her have my place..gave mother her money back..she was pissed beyond belief...but when she got more than she paid for it..AGAIN total confusion.. I won The French Award An Art award And was on a display as "How a student SHOULD DRESS."..LOLOLOL... NOT IN HER CLOWN CLOTHES...But in the very nice lady's hand me downs.. I really wondered how long I could survive the BS... In high school OF COURSE..she upped the ante..UGH... It is a miracle I am still alive and NOT A SERIAL KILLER..LOL

I call it the fear of responsibility or the fear of being big. I think with narcissistic parents or at least mine and the scapegoat position, it’s all about the narc wanting to feel big which I think they gain from having you need them to be the hero. I always felt I couldn’t do the things adults can do because I was always made to feel small (and on the purpose). So now I think subconsciously we are drawn to narcissists because we almost need them to take control because we fear we’re incapable or too small to take on the daunting adult roles in life. The narcissist needs us to stay small so they can have someone look at them in awe for the normal things they do which we deem as almost impressive, things like standing up for yourself. We don’t know how to do that but they can do it for us.

Thank you, you're so right about everything. It's so true. I got C-Ptsd from the abuse. I am a 47 female the oldest out of five children my parents had. I always been the black sheep in my family. I went to Jesus cause of the abuse. Jesus is our hope. God is Love. I know my worth and values. My peace come from God. God is great all the time. I been a Christian for over ten years. I got supportive friends from church. Both of my parents are Narcissists so is my grandmother. My brothers and sisters are Narcissists Enablers.

There's so much I could say about this video, but the one thing I'll say now is this: it's so strange to hear about therapists who actually dig under the surface of what the client says. It feels like every therapist and most mental health workers I've ever had take everything I say at face value and never tease out underlying motivations. I am so messed up by my parent's abuse that most times I can't actually express how I feel: it's hidden under layers of coded speech like Ira with his therapist. But my therapists just sit there and listen and then don't really do anything about anything. My last therapist felt like she didn't want to do any work as a trained mental health professional, she just wanted to sit there and watch me make myself better. I stopped going to her when she more or less started agreeing that I was a bad person and there was something inherently wrong with me. Then when I was gobsmacked and told her I couldn't believe she had said that, she told me 'you can't expect everyone to be perfect all the time'.

"The narcissistic parent only recognizes the scapegoat child as someone at their mercy." Strong relate. Go along, OR ELSE!

I’ve learned so much from you, Jay. I wanted you to know that your wisdom runs through my new memoir, Into the Soul of the World:My Journey to Healing, which was published by a major publisher this year. Just thank you!

Absolutely eye-opening and I'm well into my 50's. Finally some logical answers for me... thank you🙏🏾❤️

Unbelievably well said. OMG, so relatable. Christ help me! I got the most abuse once I started to try to be an adult. Then all the sudden they wanted to baby me and insult me and put me down. Un-fucking-believable.

‘Reclaim their Power from Storage’!!! 💖💖💖💖💖 Can’t wait for this video!! ‘Mislabelled as poor self-esteem’ wow, yes..

My mother always wished upon me a daughter as bad/wrong as I was. Ends up I got pregnant very young and had a son. At 9 months old I left my son in my parents care while I attended school, all week. I’d pick him up weekends. That was a very very huge mistake I made at young age, although the easiest. That son, whom I dearly love, was extremely abusive towards my daughter that was four years younger. My little family was tragically destroyed from the inside out.

I am a scapegoat survivor🙁 Wow. How f***ed-up. You’re correct. Thanks.💝

Jay, this video was very profound. From the beginning, where you bring up “low self esteem “, for example, I still am not sure what self esteem is, but I do know that whatever it really is, I wasn’t allowed to have it, let alone have it nurtured. Many of your videos, particularly this one, really articulates and helps me figure out why I’ve always had such a hard time trying to assert myself and why I don’t seem to measure up to most of my peers. The part where you mentioned feeling younger than their age was the opposite for me, because I was so worn down by the experience and what life continues to throw at me as an adult, that I’ve felt like an old soul. I know that my parents would’ve felt like nothing had they not been able to have a child around to dominate. My childhood felt like a prison sentence, and I couldn’t wait to get out and on my own, but this video has helped me have compassion for those here who still haven’t gone no contact at advanced ages. In my case, the abuse was bad enough for a while before kindergarten, but it definitely got worse in adolescence, which I was unprepared for. I’d been a fan of the Archie comics and saw how those characters got to enjoy being teenagers, and looked forward to that, but it wasn’t to be that way for me at all. I completely related to “Ira”. Most kids are told to eat their vegetables, and are given chores, but I think it’s all in how these things are issued, the delivery is important. So, once I got out on my own, it was easy for me to reject eating vegetables and doing any kind of housework. Well, that lazy rebellion gradually caught up with me, but I eat only the kind of vegetables that I like, and the household stuff gets done only once it gets to the point that it starts to get out of hand. I was infantilized, so unlike most of my peers who were latchkey kids, I had to go to a babysitter at embarrassingly late ages. Same with bedtime, I had to go to bed at 8 pm, while my peers got to watch popular shows at prime time, making me feel left out. You bet I rebelled and became a hardcore night owl in adulthood, which later became at odds with most work schedules and here I am hooked on pharmaceutical sleep aids, which are a struggle to get from the doctor because of the controlled substance act. So now I feel like society and the government are dominating me about as much as my toxic parents were. Like “Ira”, I wasn’t allowed to see boys, so I snuck around and was very promiscuous. I wasn’t taught how to swim or ride a bike until I was about 10-12, no training wheels for the bike like the other kids. I had no lasting friendships, except for my cat, but I wasn’t allowed to have any, nor was I allowed to go and participate in any activities with other teens, go to the prom, nor would anyone pay for a dress for the prom anyway. I felt left out of those milestones that most people reach. My life consisted of school, homework, chores like I was a maid, or even a slave, and the family. Summer was nice because I enjoy the weather and no school, but it was a very dismal empty existence. I have sometimes lived vicariously through teen movies, but it made me sad, seeing them enjoy the teen life I missed out on. “Ira” had trouble speaking up in meetings at work, and some of us here, myself included, may experience social anxiety, and for that, I would recommend attending at least one Toastmasters International meeting, because the groups are designed to be very supportive and welcoming, which is very important for those of us who haven’t had much of that positive experience with.

Yes! A swing/see saw between parentified and infantilised constantly on repeat. Back and forth, whichever had the more controlling, true self /true voice silencing effect. I had this across the board from mother, step father, father and step mother, also my brothers and wider family to a degree. I had to sever ties with everyone, the only option to save what was left of me and begin listening to my voice, feelings, needs, preferences..

My mom told me that when I move out on my own that I will go crazy because I wouldn’t survive without her. Moved out 7 years ago and never looked back.

"Because i said so." Those words are like a knife in my heart. I heard them so often. Ive listened to probably 1000 narc videos, and this one slayed me. Thank you for all you're doing for people.

You summed up my whole life in one video, Jay. My whole life has been hell on earth, and healing has been tough completely on my own.

I grew up with severe narcissist parents, I left a few years ago, but I have been alone for three years, I hardly ever leave the house because I don't believe anyone could ever care about me, my mind is so damaged from bullying in school and abuse at home, I honestly think i will always be alone, I know my life is destroyed beyond compare..

I never challenged them. I lost out on a rich social life and so much development due to their so called protecting of me. Really they didnt want me to be my own person.

Thank you for these making incredibly informative and inspiring videos Jay. I also love how sensitive you are with the subject. I just finished your “am I making this up?”- video about scapegoats and narcissistic abuse and I still felt myself questioning my own judgements. I started crying in front of my dog and she came to comfort me and let me hug her so tightly, it made me feel so loved. Thanks again.

Sometimes it’s growing up to fast and not feeling enough .

This video hurt so much to watch. I am 25 now and I am grieving every day about this particular subject… I am not very successful, because my support systems are very flaky and I only have my parents to rely on for things I need to physically survive. Being autistic means I can’t just run away and be fine by myself. I need medications to function day to day effectively, and I have trouble working enough hours in my current job to get enough money to afford things while also paying my parents even a cheap rent of 180$ a week. Taking risks and finding better jobs, working on making things to make myself a better candidate for jobs, and looking for roommates is too mentally exhausting in the environment I am in right now. I hate myself for not “growing up and escaping already” despite being limited in almost every possible way from doing so.

This is like my autobiography! Still struggling to get away from the mother and she is my only family member so ....i have no one else to fall back on and she loves that

Wow. I can relate to Ira’s story. “Wash my car, boy” … “shine my shoes, boy”. Refusing or delaying resulted in a beating. As a teenager I eventually fought back. Now my siblings say I was the problem and not my alcoholic father. I’m 68 years old and finally dealing with this, though I’ve been in therapy off and on since I was 17. Thanks for your videos. They help me so much.