Also, so sick that the narc requires loyalty, yet they have no loyalty toward the scapegoat.

The people with the “good enough” parent will never understand what a jumpstart they had. Their parents actively or passively supported them in their pursuits. Whereas our parents actively sabotaged, mocked or shamed us for our pursuits. The “double think” reference point in this video showcases our instinct to doubt ourselves since we were programmed to react this way by our gaslighters.

My mother expected me to believe all sorts of nonsense about my self. I was clumsy, forgetful, nobody liked me, not very intelligent were the favourites that she would tell her parents and other family members. She also joked that money just burnt a hole in my pocket , but golden child sister would save any money. She didn't know that I was secretly saving, and when she found out, she went crazy and claimed I owed her all the money for my upbringing. But it was too late, I was 18, she never got the money and she never found out how much it was.

The guilt of having elderly narcissist parents is also heavy. I want to be there for them but can't because it's too damaging. It's odd, even at their most vulnerable (old age) they still ruin it for themselves and everyone who could help them.

I read “1984” when I was in high school too. It put me into another imaginary world that I knew I would be living in in the future. I realize now that I was always living in it since the day I was born. It’s quite mind blowing!

What makes these accusations so dangerous is that there is some truth to them, which makes them virtually irrefutable. My judgement is NOT always sound; my motives are NOT always pure. I've noticed that in safer relationships, the question seldom even arises, though, and when it does, there is more mutuality to it. It's more like, 'yeah, I've made that error, too, and learned from it. What did YOU learn?' Being accused of having poor judgement and impure motives is a little like being accused of being human! It's not a false accusation; the lie is that the abuser is superior or infallible or has a right to pass judgement on the motives and judgement of others. It's also a lie that we have an obligation to have 100% sound judgement or 100% pure motives. No one does! The best we can do is take care of ourselves and do no harm, and continue to learn and grow.

Absolutely. My parents are quite weak as individuals. Their strength is as a couple. They have stonewalled me on a number of issues and these silences and the stonewalling have goaded and bated me to display anger which I was then judged very harshly for. The focus is all on the anger I have displayed. They will not see their defensiveness/co-dependency, their intransigence, triangulation, manipulation, their silent treatments, their stonewalling, their view that my perspective is an act of aggression perpetrated against *them*

I was drawn to this video because, as a young teen, I was forced to believe that a relationship with someone who genuinely cared about me was something I had made up. Only now, 39+ years later, have I realized that it was genuine. It was real. The reason my abusive narcissist mother forced that person from my life and out of my conscious mind was because she was terrified of losing her scapegoat. I would have left. I would have gotten out. I would have had support, encouragement and love. But, then, what would she do??? I have no empathy for narcissists. I don't care that they were 'abused' as youth, or that they have a 'mental illness'. They make choices, just like the rest of us. They can go to therapy if they wanted to. They are adults. I was a child. I had no other options.

My sister always posts Holiday or family get togethers on facebook with long comments on what they are doing and how great it is. Big smiles. I was at all these things in my younger days for decades and it was never that way. It was cruel , mean, loud, obnoxious people shouting and saying disparaging things. I get so confused when I see her posts.

My mother tells me she can't remember anything about me as a child (looks coldly distant when asked); whilst recanting lovingly detailed stories about my 3 brothers. However, when I tell my own story to others who may be inquiring kindly about some aspect of my earlier life she interrupts me to give her version which is always designed to make me look stupid or selfish. These Ns really know how to hate relentlessly: there is no off switch in regard to your destruction.

This is an insight I really need. Sometimes, it’s the parent who’s not the obvious monster who does the most damage.

That's what the abusive people love to thrive on is gaslighting the scapegoat, it's easier for them to call the scapegoat crazy and then look at themselves, especially when people never question their accusations. Recovery is possible but we need the right support

As I've gotten older I feel more and more unsafe around people. I'm frozen most days. Out of options.

Until I learned more about the Narcissistic family system with it's scapegoat requirement, I never had a clue as to what happened to me as a kid and why. Finally, the pieces of the puzzle are fitting together. Thanks so much Jay for sharing your knowledge. It's making it possible to finally feel some degree of hope. Though now a senior, I really want to experience life differently than before, even if for a relatively limited time. Thanks again Jay.

I was not only mistreated by my parents, but I encountered too much rejection from the kids in my neighborhood and my schoolmates. This was a formidable hate campaign, and because it makes no sense, I have to wonder if one or both parents turned everyone else against me.

This also describes something that narcisists tend to do, and that is called gaslighting. They deny your reality, they deny they said something earlier, or did something. To them it didn't happened, or if it did, you deserved it. The example mentioned here also connects on one other topic (covered in another Jay's video), that narcisist can't let you have joy in your life that is not connected to them.

Thought I was losing my grip so many times. Seeing how narcissist think is so powerful, you regain your sense of reality and your power.

Words can not describe how good, and at the same time excruciatingly painful it is to finally find out the truth. These videos, in combination with lots of therapy give me validation for the things I knew and felt deep inside.The bubble has burst and I'm deeply hurt for the years that I've lost. My family broke me and I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive them for what they did.

Yeah, my Mother said, "You Just have Fair Weather Friends." with a voice dripping with contempt. She would dump on the best part of me. In adult life I was a magnet for selfish abusive female friends. Always doubting myself, with no self advocacy, or confidence.

Had an entire "cult like" step family that I had to endure this from. Now no contact with them, after they tried to lie, manipulate & gaslight over execution of a will. I had to hire a lawyer to get them to do what was legally required. Best decision that I made - to protect me against their lies.

WOOOW!!! My mother would tell others that they “don’t know the real me. The real girl, is nothing like that sweet caring girl who just volunteered to help at the church”.

Thank you. I was encouraged to be an artist since I was little. However, this ‘encouragement’ was always layered with ‘but others have to ‘make up’ for your lack of responsibility and pull the weight you don’t because others sacrifice to allow you to live your dreams.’ *As if I didn’t have jobs to support myself. My sister would really lay into this distortion and I always felt like I was this terrible person somehow ripping off society because I expressed myself thru Art. It makes no sense when I sit with it. So I always chose jobs that made my creativity ‘useful’ in the eyes of others rather than really exploring what felt right for me. Now I realize there is nothing to prove to anyone. I make myself proud and support my ideas and endeavors because I deserve to live a simple and calm life. I’m not ‘shirking responsibility’ just because I do not choose workaholism, drama and codependency. Living with sick people is difficult. Living in a sick society that enables sick people is difficult. I appreciate this content on this channel. Things are changing 🕊 Thanks again. 🙏

As a child of a covert narc mum,I would say it is all about trauma bounding,mother/father wound and the cognitive dissonance of surviver of narcisstic abuse.

This describes my biological mother, my biological father, my younger sister, my ex narcissistic therapist. All of them did this thing of "doublethinking". My therapist wanted my to believe that I was defecting. She said that I am still stuck in childhood. Then she abused me, blamed me for the abuse, gaslit me to believe that I was the problem. At that point, I realized that if I say anything about what happened in my childhood, she would say that I was stuck in childhood and would invalidate my pain. She made fun of the fact that I was crying a lot in my first 2 sessions. She showed me no empathy, or any compassion. At that time I believed that I may in fact be the narcissist, she played on that too. The next session, after abusing me and making me feel like I was so defective and I felt shame, she started saying that I was actually a kind person. Then I realized that she is in fact trying to control me.

Oh boy, I have said this to myself all my life that I must be making it up or it was all my fault. I am 59 1/2 and have asked this since my first nervous breakdown at 19. I kept attracting these narcissists my whole life. The gaslighting and rewriting history was horrible. I am sick of their agenda. The chief narcissist my adopted mom died 5 years ago. Her daughter has taken over. She has turned my daughter against me. She is just like her mom. I have no contact. Then she sends a Christmas card. She stole tons of money from me too.

"get to hold authority over your own perspective rather than grant it to the other person " love your info, thanks so much for your work

Thanks so much Dr Reid. As always you have validated my inner reality and reminded me that other people share this experience. The notion that recovery is possible is still something I struggle to fully believe. Your assertion that there is a clear path to recovery is helping me.

I was just thinking about this last night. I get stuck in this so often. Maybe this is all just me blowing things out of proportion? Maybe there's something deeply wrong with me? It's been years since I've moved away from home and I've seen a few therapists over my life that all basically say the same thing, and it's still so hard to concretely believe there was something wrong with my parents. I was constantly invalidated growing up. 'You're not crying, those are crocodile tears,' "you're too sensitive, we can't say anything to you,' 'you're just doing that for attention, you don't really care about such and such,' 'you're just sucking up to so and so, you don't really care,' 'you're not going to be able to go for that career because you're lazy,' 'you're not going to be able to have a relationship because no man will put up with you,' etc. etc. Even after writing these things I still wonder, maybe everyone's family says these types of things? Maybe there's some truth in them? I think gaining distance has helped so much. I wouldn't have had a chance if I hadn't moved away from my family. But I still totally find people that seem to take on my family's judgement of my perceptions and throw me right back in the struggle. Believing myself has been the hardest part.

One of my main coping mechanisms is forgetting, which is making university very hard for me because I have a really hard time memorizing thing. As soon as I used to break up with someone, after a week most memories are gone, mainly the bad ones and it takes some effort to make the resurface. The "am I making this up?" question comes a lot to me now because I left the narc family situation more than a year ago. But then, it takes just a picture to make me go into an almost panic attack, even tho I don't remember every single bad memory, my body and my subconscious do.

Thank you for this share. It's been such a confusing recovery. My family is beginning their smear campaign and attacks. The golden child has been reaching out to me, my best friend, and my boyfriend invalidating my experiences, feigning innocence and concern, yet attacking our characters. Something I've realized gets tricky and induces self gaslighting in me is that to find and come into my own voice and speak up about this abuse makes me feel like a narcissist conducting my own smear campaign against them. I start to find every reason to convince myself why that narrative is true and harshly judge myself for mistakes I've made before I healed and behaviors that mirror my two narcissistic parents. It creates a loop in my head that causes an emotional spiral, like a tornado I swing around in and eventually get stuck in the center of, unable to escape. From there, it feels like my reality about myself collapses on top of their reality of me, and the reality of me from other people's perspectives before I healed. Then, I get panicked and can't tell what's real and what's not, who I am and who I'm not. That then induces high anxiety and depression of feeling like I can't do this and how can I possibly ever know the truth to anything when my brain can take every and any narrative, dissect it, argue it, and validate it. Perhaps, that is a skill I learned from double-think. It's like being conscious of your existence in every single alternative reality of yourself, and at the same time because of that, not really grounded in any of them, just stretched out, unsure which one to snap back into.

At one point, my father made up that I was in a cult because why else would I defy his will (even though he was sexually abusive to me). Years later, leaving a therapy session with two siblings who were unaffected by my father's abuse toward me by saying I was having "false memory syndrome," I said, "The only cult I've ever been in is this family." I believe that to this day because a cult, like a narcissist head of family, demands "obedience above all," the watch words of Adolf Hitler and the Nazis. Narcissists want you to obey them above all else.

Yes!!! Just today! Everyday! When i go see mother

"All criticism is self criticism. Dig yourself." - Stokely Carmichael

Such good communication on this topic. I wouldnt waste time or money on a therapist that wasnt a healed scapegoat. A book-learned therapist can not hope to fully understand and serve a recovering trauma victim of familial scapegoat abuse. I have had a pretty messy time with cycles of self-doubt with regards to whether my family is narcissistic and if my mother is who I feel like she is, and the ugly way I felt growing up (despite my natural child-like joy). I have an early memory from childhood where I am at the dinner table with my family and I forget what I may have done, if anything. I remember my mother saying "You dirty little piglet, you deserve to live down the bottom of the garden" with a look of disgusted distain on her face. I also remember my older sister and stepfather joining in and my making noises of agreement, so that it became obvious the whole table was mocking me. I remember feeling frightened and terrible, shrunk down to feel so small, rejected by the clan and alone. Right there, in that early memory is where I get my strength to know I am right, to support all the other instances I can recall. Another thing that has confirmed I am right about being the family scapegoat is the response I have had from my sisters when I have communicated what I suspect about our parents. There has been partial acknowledgment by them because at times they have been temporarily scapegoated by my mother and enabling stepfather, so they only admit to there being some issue with my mothers personality. My sisters cant admit or acknowledge that I have been scapegoated, because to do so is to admit they have been and are, implicit in the abuse (they know what they have done and how they secretly (while pretending to be respectful) actually feel towards me as a result of being brain-washed by the scapegoat narrative propaganda. You will never get confirmation and support from anyone within the toxic family system.

This man knows his stuff. He has broad understanding of the tactics of abuse & the effects on a victim of these tactics. i know people shame the word "victim". But it is an accurate word for the effects on the scapegoat/victim who then becomes the survivor. Yes, it really was that bad. People who weren't there behind closed doors, or listening closely will find it hard to understand. Some people will tell you that it wasn't that bad. These people deny your reality. Like what happens/happened with the abuser. It is necessary to limit what you share with many, as you may be further blamed & shamed for "playing the victim". Invisible wounding is very real. It is the reason many shun others, or give up, or harm or end their own lives. it can also cause violence in the wounded person's behaviour toward others. Until more mebtal health professionals acknowledge the harm of this invisible abuse, they will continue to be less helpful to people than they could be.

Thank you so much for this! It's also especially hard when the scapegoat is target by so many people. Majority does not always rule. Amazing how somebody gets off on hurting their own child.

So weird that this video is released today. I am so tired of holding a boundary (with my parents) that I woke up this morning thinking ''was I actually too sensitive?'' which is exactly what they've been projecting on to me. Is my boundary too weak? Were they right all along? Or have I just relegated my parents' opinion of me to being less important. I used to need their approval. Maybe I can finally live with their 2 d not a real person low opinion of me now.

This is the most precise articulation of narcissistic abuse I have ever heard.

A good way to start trusting ones own perspective is probably join support groups for survivors of childhood abuse. I was sober from alcohol and still having a lot of cptsd symptoms that where quite debiliating, lack of boundaries was one of the main ones because i was the scapegoat as well and my perspective was constantly invalidated although i knew the narc parent was delusional i kind of had to comply like it was explained to stop the rage attacks. I found a "mentor" figure in these support groups that encouraged me to start setting boundaries in a job I was in. I was sober but people picked on me still, since i attached to many people still in my family role of the scapegoat because i had the trauma and the feeling of inadecuacy and the trauma in my body. Long story short i had done enough trying and being around healthy neough people that spoke about the need for them to set boundaries , specially this mentor, that I started setting my own boundaries and protesting unfair treatment in the job i was in which was in construction so this is already rough around the edges job. Since the bullying didnt stop i left the job walked out of it one day, and felt an internal happiness, self love and self-respect that i hadn't felt be4. I felt like i was honoring my inner childs perspective and feelings , over people that where clearly abusive and didnt have my best interest. I felt happiness and a strength and commitment, i awakend my healthy anger that day, and have built on that muscle or resource or instinct of self protection since then. I dont have to abandon myself anymore. My healthy anger is online, and im connected to my perspective of my inner child, or gut.

Don’t even try.to explain this to anyone In frustration and a need for validation . No .I cant even figure it out. True as it is but hard to wrap ny head around Thank you

Another great video as always which really validates people who have gone through narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic parents are injured when they have a child that knows their core self which is nothing like them and usually it is the child who is naturally genuine, loving, kind, authentic and compassionate by nature. The use of words like “being fake” or statements like “I know the real you” is always said to question and demean your entire reality and gaslight your sense of self because the narcissist has no sense of self except for pain that they have hidden from childhood and into adulthood that identity is then based on breaking others even their own children to create supply for their own lost and broken selves instead of fixing themselves. More narcissistic injury is also caused when you have friends outside of them because it is a threat to their own control over you since healthy people will allow you to see any toxicity including theirs so this is when they will call you fake because they are not able to have genuine friendships in their lives. The best way to recover from this is to deprogram yourself and not allow the narcissist to define you in any way. Do not defend yourself in anything they say because it is reinforcing who they accuse you of and mostly do not even explain or engage in their antics so the best would be to be emotionally dead when it comes to these type of people and the best is to of course eliminate them from yo life where possible to focus on healing your inner self.

Thank you so much. I can identify with the example of " Shannon" in this comforting, validating video. This is exactly what I went through with mean mom & sis. I watched them behave like "mean girls" when dealing with people ( salespeople, acquaintances, family ) They bullied me, & tried to imitate me on the other hand. I was just happy with life & positive before they came at me full force with their darkness and misery. My mom considered my entitled arrogant sister who acted like her, as the " good one". I was more like my dad who always had a smile for everyone. Thank you for these videos. They hit home for each kid who had to deal with these bullies who are supposed to be your family.

The timing of these is getting scarily accurate 😳

My mother said the strangest thing when she was in hospital. She said when she looked in the mirror she couldn't see her reflection. There was nobody there. This was during the pandemic when no family was allowed to visit

Everything has subtext in narcissistic systems. Your reference to Orwell's 1984 is on point. "The party (narcissist) told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command."

Dr Reid touches on an issue here that I’ve had with my family. I’ve come a very long way from having a compulsive need to hurt and destroy myself, self-negation being a feature of CPTSD. The crazy thing is the insistence on telling me what I do and do not remember, and on my motivations for my actions. My mother did the latter when we talked about why I started smoking. I told her I started really smoking when working graveyard shift at a nursing home, as a way to stay awake. She insisted I started because I thought it would look cool. No. But I understand why she thought that. I remember her telling me once that she got a soft drink, rare back in the Depression, and walked around in the front yard, so everyone would see it. I don’t think that way, at all. Not caring what other people think became a survival skill for me long ago. Now that was a trait in me that she really did not like.

My Golden Child brother recently started spreading a story that actually he was the abused victim of our family in the childhood, who healed himself. First time I heard him saying something negative about narc parent. I guess, after I went no contact, he received some of the toxicity which usually I got. He is not accustomed to any of it, so his new "victim to hero" story is an excuse to stop care after narc parent.

The question that I mostly ask myself is.. AM I REALLY PART OF THIS FAMILY OR AN ADOPTED CHILD 🧐😔😞

I had narcissistic tendencies as a child and a teenager because both my parents projected their inadequacies on me and I formed the same coping mechanisms that they did to deal with my sense of inadequacy. Around the age of 19 I became aware of this and my inner experience felt like I had jumped out of a plane with no parachute. I had no sense of anything and was so self-conscious of the fact that I didn’t understand why I did the things I did or how I couldn’t trust my own perceptions that daily life was tormenting. However I didn’t fall back into what was familiar and slowly started putting the pieces back together my family took apart. It took a long time and I still find myself dealing with the fallout but I’d say 80% of the time I know who I am and have a sense of peace and gratitude. The other times when I still feel that fog, it’s nowhere near as overwhelming, and it does not dominate my day when it arises. Narcissists are too afraid to go down that path. It’s too demanding and it requires you to face your demons and admit you’re wrong and need to change so that you won’t suffer and the people connected to you won’t suffer because of you. When you think about it, breaking the narcissistic family dynamic is more than just ending the cycle. It’s a redemptive process.

We accepted our giants world view which was one that said we are worthless and only the giants know truth. Until we find a new world view andstrengthen our allegiance to the new view are we able to step back and see the giants and twisted, dark, hateful, pathetic parents, teachers, etc.

I feel this way again. You start to doubt yourself. Even if you see things for where they are. Then that someone else says that what you see is not true. Disgusting when it happens. You get totally lost. in the head.

Thank you.

My transient Narcissist mother said after I told her of the abuse i had suffered as a child, and indeed tried numerous times to seek help from her when I was a child that I need to "Stop fantasising about being abused" I was stunned and completely blown over. Ive cut them out again and permanently now. Well, until the court case...

I could see how that could happen..I guess I was lucky ..there were too many witnesses who spoke up. They DID ask me how I could stand the BS and the mocking names I was called ..like "the Genius" "the Sage" "Sarah Bernhardt" "Cinderella"... I had been tested with a very high IQ...I was always on the honor roll..I made very high grades...won French and art awards. played first flute...SOOOOOOOOO I had to be mocked for achievements that normal families would celebrate. I thank God..kept a photo they took of me scrubbing the floor on Friday night...( which I did as I finished up after shopping cooking washing, etc.) They would stand over me and laugh.."OH CINDERELLA...THE PRINCE JUST CALLED ..HE CAN'T WAIT...SO YOU ARE NOT GOING TO THE BALL"...Their repetative joke...but one Friday they snapped a photo...I almost threw it away..but I decided to keep it...

This is my pain. I do remember instances of feeling abused, and I’m pretty certain my father was a narcissist, but I can’t remember many specific incidences, and I often feel that the suffering and mental damage I have incurred is disproportionately larger than the level of abuse I faced. All I remember is how I felt. I know I felt deeply ashamed, guilty, sinful, defective, scared and all of those things. And I know that the pain and suffering I’ve experienced as an adult is immeasurable. And I truly mean immeasurable. From social anxiety, to obsessive thinking, to hyper vigilance, fawning after manipulative people, feeling inherently deeply disgusting and just every negative thing under the sun. But whenever I try to remember specific examples of abuse, I come up short, and that makes me feel like I’m making the whole thing up. I also have examples of times he put in tremendous effort on my behalf, although I always felt that this was because he just saw me as an extension of himself. I have no one to validate what I feel. It doesn’t help that my enabler mother tells me how great and caring my father was and that it wasn’t that bad. At this point I even doubt whether she is actually an enabler, or if I’m really making everything up. I just know that I feel broken beyond repair and have done so all my life. I want to cut them off because I have this intuitive sense that I was done wrong by. I do know many wrong things were done too, but it doesn’t seem like I should have taken on that badly. What should I think and what should I do, I don’t know. I want to cut them off, at the same time, it seems like a crazy thing to do, and it seems like they weren’t that bad and I’m just being my usual evil self and having problems with everyone..

Thank you for this video. I have asked this question all my life. My Narc family says “You need us!” That was when I confronted my Dad to break the financial control that I am still under. The Narc family runs like a religious cult. I went through counseling at a church and the pastor announced in front of the entire congregation “How does it feel to be normal?” As in their counseling “healed” me. It did not. I left that church only to go back years later. Left again because of Narc predator that was grooming me that church would not remove. I’ve been scapegoated in work situations with a jealous manager who asked me why I did not get a “real” job? At the time my job was part-time and temporary. I got a management position somewhere else and right before I left this person stopped speaking to me. The unfortunate scapegoat pattern has continued. I recognize the toxic people put their Shame on me. My toxic parents “need” me for their narcissistic supply. It is interesting to see how when we exercise our independent thinking, it feels foreign to us because we have been engaged in their double think for so long. I’ve been no contact 12 months from my family. I’m ready to restore credibility in myself and live my life. The next step is how to stop self-sabotage, and when I do take that next positive step , to stop procrastinating when trying again. Any videos on that?

As we get older and more experience, some of us eventually figure that no relationship is better than a dysfunctional relationship.

Our symptoms and relationship histories are our proof. It’s believe yourself o’clock

I just bought your book. I don't know how or why, but I'm thankful you came into my feed. Listening to you gave me the courage to block my parents and go no contact yesterday. I've been crying SO much. I'm afraid, I'm trembling, but in my 39 years of life, something big clicked from listening to you. Narcissistic parents are DANGEROUS and they did so much damage that I don't know if I'll ever be whole. But I can't take the abuse anymore.

OMG, this is the same sort of mind f*** my narcissist father laid on me! He wasn't running a family, he was running a cult, with himself as leader! My mother and sibling hung on his every word, while I was the scapegoat. Unfortunately though, I internalized the low self-esteem he inculcated in me. I really appreciate your deprogramming, and will watch more of your videos.

This is such an amazing comparison. I remember reading that as a teen as well and funny enough that is the one concept that really stood out to me. I remember thinking wow this is so insidious and it brought up a real sence of rage in me. And I didn"t even realize (or maybe I did on some level ) that I was undergoing that in my own family system. Ive also always seen a extremely clear parallel with psychopathology/ narcissism and dictators or any other abusive ruler.

This is what I needed to hear today. Trying to get my feelings acknowledged in my house, or even just getting a genuine reflection of myself mirrored back to me, was nearly impossible. I felt crazy, like what I was experiencing was all made up in my head since everyone else around me seemed to believe that I was the problem, the instigator and the abuser. Going low contact had my family in shock and enraged, they "had no idea" why I did this. I had my doubts for a while that what I experienced and went through was as painful and horrible as I remembered it. Though I'm not proud of the self-harm I did to cope, it's a very physical and real reminder that what I endured was as bad as I remember it. I just have to accept and never forget that them denying my experiences and refusing to accept responsibility is not my fault, but something they do to avoid feeling bad about themselves.

Thankyou Jay! Im in the music field, where I am sorrounded with Narcs, Im also an immigrant and its not easy to find a authentic support system to lean onto. Everyone is busy being 'nice' in the toxic soup. Unfortunately the brave ones, specially without a support system, become the scapegoat.

Thank you for providing this content to us :) The example of double think is perfect, and I never thought of it that way before. Not least because it gives hope that our own judgement of ourselves and our motives is still there, still safe and waiting to be rediscovered. We just need to, as you say, get out of the habit instilled in us by the narcissistic parent, and while this may be incremental rather than sudden, with perseverance it will come. Thank you so much for giving us this revelation and I hope you will have a pleasant and peaceful sunday.

This is a very interesting and powerful video. I recognise my myself in there. You are constantly told you are "useless" and "hopeless" and finally you grow up believing it. As a little girl, I won a church painting competition. I remember I painted rabbits surrounded by trees in a wood. It was a child's painting, but it won 1st prize (a book) and I remember the shame I felt when my mother said to one of the judges "well, I don't think it deserves to win first prize". I also remember when I first began to work in a uni lib. and bought my mother a bunch of red tulips (her favourites) and she screamed at me and was really angry. I remember feeling hurt and useless. My mother, sadly, passed in 2010, but I still feel the pain. These videos are so helpful in my desire to heal - thank you. Hopefully, I and many others watching these videos, will keep progressing along the healing process.

Run guys! It takes along time to recover start today stop feeling guilty

Jay thank you. Your language= nuanced, articulate. The term pseudo identity says it all. I attend a group for survivors. We have a pamphlet "Obstacles To Being Believed". Utterly mind blowing. We might not even believe ourselves. =Gaslihhting

Spot on. My mother would call me light of the street and darkness at home. Sick.

Just 'wow' on the topic of 'Double-Think'. Your example of 'Shannon' and her interest in Habitat For Humanity was so resonant. It feels like the reason I rarely did the things I was drawn to like joining the Peace Corp or going to college.

Withholding validation is the narc mother’s speciality.

The pseudo-identity I got was being crazy. Literally told over and over that I was sick.

I literally always asked myself this question or “am I being dramatic?”

thank you Jay, it is totally possible to recover from narcissistic abuse. It does take time and happen slowly just like you say. For me it took approximately two years of quite intensive introspection and work

My brother the alcoholic golden child called to my house in the early hours of the morning drunk, aggressive as per usual to me his sister and my hubby many years ago now, I had a ten month old baby at the time. We where woken by stones thrown at the windows and abusive shouting to let him in our home. My husband opened the upstairs window and shouted down to him “go home” he lived with my parents. He wouldn’t go and shouted back, “my mother will hear about this!”……I stupidity let him in, I was only 22 at the time. He barged passed me into my kitchen/Dining room and demanded cigarettes etc from me I said no, so he put his foot through my small fish tank and it smashed all over the floor with the fish flying everywhere. He then got a shard of glass and pushed me into the wall and pushed the glass to my throat and demanded cigarettes….my hubby ran down the stairs and pushed hi. Out of the way and subsequently gave him a blackened eye and threw him out of our home. Next day mother and father turned up at our home and our son, her and my fathers grandson was sitting in his high chair, she pointed to him and said to myself and my hubby “that is your baby isn’t it?”, she went on to say, “well he (my brother) is my baby”……I was so shocked she took his side after all the trouble he caused and still does 34 years later!……Mother still gives me the silent treatment and my 53 year old over privileged brother golden child still lives with her our father long deceased, i keep going back and apologising to keep the peace. I keep thinking it’s me, I’m the narcissist. it’s my fault, I don’t matter😢

Thank you so much Jay Reid! Your videos are so affirming and positive! I really, really appreciate your focus on healing and moving forward! This particular video is so right on! Unfortunately, I must maintain some contact w my FOO while I attempt to ensure my elderly mother receives adequate care. Thus I remain submerged in the double-speak of my father and siblings. (Love the "1984" parallel! Awesome quote!) I regularly question just how in reverse reality is from their rhetoric. I thank goddess for three things: 1. my husband, who consistently confirms what is actually happening, 2. my careful record keeping, which I can refer to as a reality check, and 3. your videos and the community they have created. It is soooooo comforting to be able to connect with good people who are also healing! Thank you everyone!

Bro you helped me more than anyone in my life with these videos. Thank God I found these videos about trauma and thought my dad was just a terrible person but not evil. Well maybe not. Pure evil but now that I know it just like finding the other boot so you can finally start to walk after a long time searching

Gaslighting by the entire family from the time we were really young

More people need to hear this.

I am the scapegoat in the family and I am over 70 now. They have never changed the way they disrespect me every time we have been together. I removed them from my life and the peace and joy flooded back into my life. In the past they invited me to the party so I could see them ignoring me. They wanted me there to see them having friends and show me I was excluded from their circle. It wasn't until I became a Christian that God showed me their rude and mean mentality. I was then free to move on to others outside the family. My family are those who love Christ and act like they love others.

The example of Shannon helped me so much. I doubt myself a lot, and I have taken on their thoughts of me. But those thoughts aren't mine!

I've never heard this term double think before. Putting distance between yourself and the parent alone doesn't make it better. Yikes. This explains a lot!

YES to the title of your video!! Also add: Am I overreacting? And here’s the the big one I’ve asked my therapist many times: Am I really the narcissist? Luckily she’s assured me I’m not. Whew!

Yes. You honestly think you are insane. Let alone the fact that nobody else thinks all this could happen to one person.

Jay you are so helpful. You are the best therapist I've found so far, I can't find the depth of this therapy and knowledge with a real life therapist in person. Your videos have helped me cope with my dysfunctional family and not feel crazy as as the scapegoat. I just cut everyone off after years of abuse. I will no longer take it. I bend over backwards and no one does anything in return for me. DONE DONE DONE

💚thank you. This means a lot to me because I am suffering a lot from the narcissistic people and it's not just family is hundreds of others and a lot of the town I live in, its like a cult against me

I have no way of no skills to survive. I ran away from the abusiveness

You are the best thing that has hit the Internet yet. Now I understand why I thought I was in charge of my mother's happiness

This is another revelation for me. Thank you so much.

Great explanation of the trauma bond. It finally makes sense, rather than just being a term I've been lead to believe blindly.

This was a very helpful video for me ,thank you Jay. Greetings from Spain!

It is SO complicated and really crazy making.

Why is it that the more I keep listening to you explain why the abuse was not my fault, the more it makes the critical mother's "voice" in my mind louder, saying how worthless I am? (I don't mean her literal voice, just more akin to a powerful intrusive thought)

Its so hard to shake, I feel subhuman . Especially if it was ingrained in early childhood, the people around, and if authorities were used, and even your lover.. I don't think Ill ever be good enough... but wait, that was his words. But it feels all so real. What I have to say is 'crazy' and 'I believe my own lies' says a judge coerced by the other parties top barrister. Everyone believes judges so he must be correct. But I know what I saw when the abuse happened, and in my fear and trauma I was trying my best to say the truth... but somehow being unprepared cross questioned when trying to recall I was called a lier... the amount of undercover abuse I went through that 'cult' group did to me and stalking us... but no, nobody seems to believe, I even had to 'prove myself' what I already saw happening just to save my own sanity but still struggled because everyone around was forcing me to doubt.

Congratulations on your growing number of subscribers, Jay! I'm happy to see more people are finding your channel.

Great Orwell quote!!! 👍

Incredibly insightful and carefully explained. Thank you very much for your work.

Being a scapegoated child set oneself up to be taken advantage of later in life. The information in this video also applies to people who take you for granted, i.e. non-safe people in one's life.

Thank you for this video. The struggle is real and knowing I’m not alone in having doubts of what I experienced is helpful. Sometimes I have to re-read my journal to remind me of what’s been going on my entire life in my FOO.

So glad I found your channel. Really appreciate your videos! Thank you, Jay! So refreshing to feel understood and to be learning more about what I experienced.

THANK YOU DOC!!!!!! FOR HAVING SUCH EXACT IDEA WHAT I HAVE GONE THROUGH! THANKS!!