"I am more than what happened to me and always have been" That's gold. I love it.

So weird how these patterns, down to tiny details, repeat themselves in so many families.

Jay Reid. You are a lifeline. Thank you.

It must be a living nightmare to feel this way and be triggered to anger and jealousy by your own child day after day. It really is better for everyone to have low to no contact. 😢

It makes sense why the abuse got worse when I started healing and centering myself in my life. My younger sister, who was my focus started calling me selfish for refusing to do her emotional labour. For wanting to gain autonomy over my possessions. When I had something she needed she would be nice to me. Once she got it, she went back to be mean. At the end of the relationship, she was mean more consistently.

I still feel the anxiety of being controlled. Feeling on edge, feeling like I have to keep myself down in order to not get yelled at or having angry looking faces towards me. Feeling like I am not doing good enough or feeling ashamed of how I think, what I say and what I do. It’s like keeping myself down in order to not provoke any anger or abuse. Wanting me to be how she wanted me to be.

you cannot reconnect with onesself unless one first understands fully what the hell happened. It's impossible to jump the gun and just go straight to self healing and self focus. People have to know what kind of characters they were dealing with first.

My narcissistic mother always told me to put myself last as a child. One Valentine's Day at school, the teacher had us make a valentine with another student. (Why she didn't have us each make one, is an interesting question.) Since only one of us could take the Valentine to her mother, I let the other girl take it. I told my mother about the project and she flew into a rage. I put myself last, but that time it included putting her last too. Rules for thee, but not for me.

I think what you’re referring to is called rumination and it’s what the brain as an organ naturally does after being abused for a long period of time. I heard a doctor explain it once. Stopping it I have found extremely hard to do after many decades of narcissistic abuse and having had a horrible life in general because of the abuse. I find myself still in the ‘freeze’ state and afraid that every little move I make is wrong. I’m still quite oriented towards the ‘other ‘ . Thanks for the excellent insight again Jay. Your channel is so helpful.

This title caught my attention... I often feel guilty for living for me and going my own way (including taking distance from family after a long proces of chosing my space above meeting expectations while it always robbed my energy).

Hi Jay, These videos really help. Being raised by a malignant narcissist/borderline mother is very confusing for a child. It seems to take a life time to figure it all out. No Contact was the only way to go for me as she turned the siblings into proxy abusers. NC with them as well.

I ended up in a long-term relationship with a sociopath right after high school. I went from a family full of narcissistic sociopaths to dating one. Such a nightmare!! Thank goodness he’s out of my life now.

My mother once locked me in my bedroom with a copy of Guidepost Magazine. The cover article was by Jane Wyman who asserted that introverted people were truly selfish. My mother said she would not let me out of my room until I realized that I was such a person. The truth was that I had been emotionally, psychologically and physically abused so much that I had withdrawn inward as far as I could go and still remain sane. There was very little difference at that time between me and nothingness. Thanks to your video, I now realize that she was begging for the attention from me she desperately needed. Her very self worth was largely dependent upon me, but I had withdrawn from her to save myself. Tragedy upon tragedy. So profoundly sad.

Thank you for offering your time to help survivors heal. I often replay life events within my family. I've been telling myself that is a closed chapter is my life. That I am now safe and free to write the next chapter in my life that doesn't involve abuse. When I don't know what to do, I look to see what kind of better self care can I do? Eating healthy, excercize, getting to bed early... I kind of feel life is in limbo at the moment. The deep sadness is very hard to shake.

Wow. I lived with the feeling of being alone with a feeling of worthlessness that would never go away for years. I have never heard it articulated by someone else before.

I think this training by the parental narcissist might be why for so many years, to do any creative activity, I needed to hide away by myself for hours. The female biological parent used to burst into my room and either yell at me because I wasn't scrubbing floors or mock whatever I was doing as babyish.

Hi Jay, hi community. I am 63 years old, my mother has severe NPD and my father is just a regular narcissist who goes up and down on the scale. I reacted with depression since I was a child, nobody noticed. I have spent a life time figuring things out. One of the topics that remains a mystery to me is why people with NPD are often socially so successful. If you could do an video on that I would be very interested. Thank you. Julia.

This is spot on, towards the end of my marriage when I took up art again (my attention no longer always on him) the emotional abuse escalated and became very cruel. I’ve left now but still find myself thinking about it all a lot of the time.

There is so much we all have to learn! Things that 'normal' people learned as part of growing up- it's like uprooting to a foreign country where we don't know the language or customs. I am ever so grateful for KZfaq, I'm pretty sure I would have been dead by now otherwise. It's funny, I don't think I've ever even had an opinion of myself, just trying to survive by pleasing everybody.

This is helping so much in coming to grips with the way I was raised. More often than not, I’d hear, “YOU SELF CENTERED BRAT” shouted at me. This coming from one of the most self centered people I’ve ever known. I believe that little kids are just naturally self centered until they get older and learn not to be, because little kids are not expected to be caregivers, but are in need of care, and to expect them not to be self centered seems unrealistic and unreasonable.

I was the Golden child as a child/teenager while my brother was the forgotten one. After college, my brother found a good job and moved away from home. i struggled to get through college and after graduating, had trouble holding down jobs. i had to move back home where I suddenly took on the role of the Scape Goat. Also, I assume both parents were narcissists as my mother always said "You're so selfish. All you do is think about yourself." That was true. i had to to survive the verbal abuse psychological putdowns. I experienced both sides of narcissistic abuse.

Thank you so much for articulating and highlighting the very specific behaviours in a narcissistic family. I can’t believe how my childhood experiences fit a pattern that I didn’t realize existed until this year. I had no context for or escape from the abuse as a child, but hearing you describe it exactly as it was is so validating.

The most imposible thing for a Narc is to derive pleasure from the pleasure of its victim.

Yes, it is very accurate about being called "selfish" by the narcissist when they were the one who were being selfish by time and time inconveniencing other ppl to their random unconvenient requests. When you tell the narc they are being too loud at 3 am or so, the narc will yell out "oh, you are just so selfish!!" when they can't get home but barged into your place to 'bunk' over. Also, it is very accurate and true experience, when I went to do activities that I like like charities or being out, and then come home being attacked by the group for NOT sitting at home and WAIT for them to decide how they want to spend the day and they called me 'IRRESPONSIBLE' for neglecting familial responsibility when there was nothing to do or any requests.

Being with others in ways that add to the sense of self instead of detracting - "Wildly unfamiliar"! Still trying to get there. But sometimes, yes.

The secret language of friendly souls is not encrypted but sophisticated

"In the scapegoated role" in the narcissistic relationship- I've always associated that with the narcissistic parent child relationship but I've suddenly realised I was in a scapegoated role in the relationship with my ex narcissistic partner. I was the scapegoat for what went on in the relationship and our life.

Those information you share are really helping me to understand that relationships can be safe. At this point in my recovery it’s crucial for me to be able to differentiate toxic and healthy relating in general and that’s a real turning point. I suddenly gave myself permission to be angry, because I realize more and more, that the problem was the unhealthy relating and not me as a person. Thank you so much!

Yes. Dr. Reid, was just about to say myself: You are an absolute gift. Thank you for all of your acute understanding, acknowledgement, clarity, encouragement and advice. It means the world to so many of us.

Thank you for this video. I find it interesting when you say that "one's own nervous system can be primed in childhood to focus outward," do you know if there is a way to 'unprime' this response to some degree?

Jay, you have such a depth.and scope of.insight into the devouring nature of narcissist parents. You have a quality.of insight I have.not discovered elsewhere. You convey the utterly relentless.intent to swallow a child whole.

The story resonates beautifully. I was tutoring the only minority child in first grade (1969). The mocking, bullying and shaming was non-stop. I didn't waver. Yay me 😍❤️🥰

This was encouraging and helpful. Thank you. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

I always thought my discomfort with focusing inward was laziness or a character defect but this really hit home. It’s fear - your insights about the nervous system from NA in childhood are amazing. Thanks

Sometimes I want to focus on the narcissist so as to not think about myself & inward and my own recovery, yeah. It’s been a journey healing after being married to a covert narc. and abused for years. I still see my ex-narc husband standing and staring at me wondering why I was smiling and happy when he came to get his possessions, and after his abuse of me. I refused to let him see me sad or hurting ever again.

4:00 They do stoop to unimaginably cruel tactics. They are desperate to have the victim's attention as it seems to be the only them that makes them feel important.

I noticed that by having a puppy helped me to focus on myself and her.

I hate myself so much. I never learned to love myself. Have been throughout my life trying to numb the feeling of being "me" with anorexia, bulimia etc. My dad made me feel bad. I feel that without others, I am worthless. The threat of being me, or feeling who I am, is equal to experiencing death. I can't describe with words, the terror that's felt, once you need to face death and want to be yourself, just free from that shit. I'm in my dark knight. I know I am old soul, but got incredibly confused. I hope I can start feeling again, and face that fear, eventhough deep inside, it feels horrendous. But apparently that's where love resides. :-( being me was just considered selfish all the way all the time. I'm learning to appreciate myself more. Trying to prove myself throughout the hundred thousand patterns that I reproduced throughout my life that there are still people that appreciate me, even if I don't put myself in the "servant's" position, to offer them love or appreciation that I do not feel, or beg for their attention, or being nice, just to receive love. Deceitful. Disgusting. It makes my guts turn around, when I think of it.

Hello I really appreciate your videos.They are so informative and enlighting. I was raised by a narssistic father that only passed away 3 months ago.I was grown up with all the pain you mentioned but I was blessed with a rebellion soul , I didn't understand a lot of what was happening to me but I always stood up for myself and that is why I was the scapegoat.

This one was a little triggering because my sister uses "mindfulness" to spiritually bypass what actually happened in our family with a narc father.

I may have commented already, but just want to express again how helpful this is! Truly liberating to hear the explanations in this video and so very helpful for my healing journey. Thank you!

The best part of your videos is the positive attributes of the survivor. Also, the fact that you don’t use the word victim. Your angle on narcissistic abuse is unique and helps me look at my experience in a way that’s empowering.

Jay this was one of the most powerful videos I’ve seen and put a name to, validated my experiences in a way that makes me feel lighter and much more at peaceI’m so thankful ❤

Wow, thank *you* :-) I've been recommending you left right and centre! I had *thought* I'd swung the focus on to myself but only recently I realised that although I wanted to heal, I was viewing my own healing through a very authoritative judgmental unforgiving lens. I had a schedule for healing. Be stronger by June! Control emotions by July! Be braver by August! But shortly after getting in to Yoga, I seemed to *get* that I need to slow down and focus on acceptance and self-compassion for a bit. I was listening to Christopher Germer self-compassion meditations and I felt more acceptance of my parents insistence that they have the right to hurt me. I also like what Kirsten Neff has to say about self-acceptance and self-compassion. I was always afraid to be kind to myself in case I fell apart and achieved even less. But I will sit still with myself and trust that I'll get there.

The story about Sarah reminds me of a time when I went to hear a musician friend perform in a concert. The female biological parent sneered, "You don't really like that stuff -- you just want to pretend that you're 'artsy.'" At the time I couldn't figure out how my going to a concert harmed her or took anything away from her. Now I get it. Thanks, Dr. Reid.

I'm finding this is the hardest part for me. I don't know how to find myself. I'm having a terrible time right now, I left my narcissistic husband 3 years ago after 35 years of marriage. His words won't leave my mind. Any help I would appreciate.

Very important video. Great piece of help again, Jay, thanks! This happens perfectly like that. You end the relationship with the N (it was my father first), and then you feel this worthlessness that was never your own. I was literally walking around making music, going on stage, doing good business, creative work, etc.. WHILE feeling this alien sense of worthless empty stuff. At times I was so so mad at myself.

What a great video, well explained... thank you! It is sickening how they always find the bad in you and not good, and try to control you by undermining any good you have ... awful behavior, especially for children as you say. We learn to focus on ourselves, and get safety psychologically and physically. It reminds me of myself. “One gets to discover other people... without losing connection with oneself.” Thanks for exposing it and helping others find clarity.

Love your unique insights ❤️ the way you approach this subject is highly original 😊

I think this is one of the best videos because most people often continuously focus on the narc and ruin their lives and all they’re doing is feeding the narc supply without even realizing it they can feel it from miles away

Jay, you son of a gun, you did it!!! With your help and your book and small doses of shrooms here and there and doing the work, I feel I have shifted focus back to me!!!! Thank you!

I started to take care of myself. I resigned from my job, sold my apartment and moved abroad -to get distance from my abusing work environment and from my abusing mother and father who was accepting all bad she did and said, never ever protecting me. I have an adult daughter who also lived abroad but in another country than me. We’ve been very close and she often visited me in my new city and country. That time, she really wanted me to be happy and was happy for me. Well. Seemingly there was a revenge behind my back happening. My daughter still was in contact to my parents. Oh, there became a mess: shortly, I needed help. It became evident to me that I was not allowed to need help. I was BAD because I was exhausted, burn out - not strong and could not handle everything. So it hapoened, that soon my daughter started to call me ”a liar”, ”two faced”, ”selfish”. A person, whom I always supported to pursue HER dreams, going abroad, working abroad, travel, have hobbies that SHE loves - said to me these things when I had taken my time to pursue my dreams and goals. My occupation was totally the result if my parent’s manipulation and I HATE my occupation. I wanted to change my occupation. It was evident to me that those words were not really HERS. My parents pretended to ”care” about me - and behind my back they talked about me as a ”liar”, ”selfish” etc., all those accusiations that my daughter said to me. My parents have made her to becone a flying monkey. She was lost. How? With money. My parents have money so they generously paid her - and I was strugling with money - which was the sign of my badness. My parents could show their superiority just with money. And behind my back they talked like that about me, thise untrue bad things and my daughter delivered their opinions about me to me like that. No, she did not tell that they said so, but I do not have to be genuine to know what had happened. Pursuing my dreams was an action that had to be punished. I was not there any more in my mom’s hands and under her control, being abused. This is an awful situation. I could never imagine the level of cruelty that my mother is cabable on and my enabeler father is not any better. Pursuing YOUR goals, your dreams can be very dangerous. I was not prepared to this level of cruelty, ever. But, now there is no doubt. I lost everything I loved in my life. The relation to my daughter is not the only thing that my parents destroyed from me. The rule is: Let’s destroy everything that /who Sanna loves or take it away… she needs to be punished just because she IS. Now I’ve been in no-contact with all of them. I must now fix my finances, my dreams and goals are otherwise killed. All mt time and energy goes on surviving. However, I succeeded to find a job where I have very nice workmates, so it is standable ven I still hate my occupation, (waste of my life) and I live in the home that I can call ”home”, a place of peace and calmness. A place where I can BE. The first time in my 57 years of life, I have that: peace! Now I know better what happened. I remember when I had made my life change and the beginning of it succeeded very well! I moved abroad, so I proved mtself that I was not incapable as my parents let ne think. But I remember the feeling, how I was afraid to feel content and happy. I remember how I taljed to myself: ”I have the right to be here. I have the right to ve happy.” Also, when I started to turn my attention to the works I like, I got almost frozen. I could hardly move, as if I was doing something bad. I did not know about the symptons of the barcissistic abuse. Now I know that these feelings are pretty normal! There is a reason why I was frozen when I had finally done what I loved. Well, soon it all was destroyed. As normally. That is a prove to them that THEY were right and I cannot do anything. This is thecway it has worked: I beginn simething that I love to do. Then they cone, in a way or another destroy what I was doing - and then they tell me that I am so bad and incapable in everythibg that I should do only what they want me to do, then everything would be nicely. Andby the way: NOBODY can love you because you are you. Only WE can give mercy to you and stand your beingness and care about everything, because you cannot, it is proved (because they destroyed any trial to do anything own in the beginning already).

For me right at this moment, this is the BEST of Jay's talks I've ever heard in the 2 years I've been listening to his deep help. I was pleased to see it was listed under Recovery which I'm hoping is the point I'm now working on & so able to embody Jay's gentle teaching more thoroughly. "How do I say I love you? Let me count the ways." Many, many thanks from my heart to yours. Kay

No doubt it is an outcome worth working at and realizing. Living a life where I put myself first. Your information is so crucial to my healing, you are a shining light. thank you Jay.

Thank you for your videos. It is so remarkable to me that when I listen to these I feel you are describing me exactly -- how I was scapegoated. Thanks for your help.

Yes you can definitely get stuck on trying to understand the narcissist and the abuse. So much so you’re lost once again in it. Thank you

Thank you once again, Jay, for your amazing insightfulness and apparent empathic nature 💗 i really appreciate this 👌

I really love the fact that you understand the scapegoat role and how tragic it often feels. Thank you for being there for us with your videos! They are often a life ring when we're caught in the undertow of complete confusion regarding what actually happened after narcissistic abuse and being in the scapegoat role. There are so many nuances to the abuse pattern that this video points out a very important one and that's how we lose ourselves because the narcissist insists that we live for and live in their reality. Our attempts to explain ourselves or to appeal our case falls on deaf ears and we don't understand why and that's because our reality never existed according to the narcissist... It took me years and years and years to kind of get this but your video makes it concrete and clear. There are so many details regarding us losing our footing around a narcissist and sometimes I think that you are the only one that can explain it, at least for the scapegoat who has had to fight for their identity and their logic...oftentimes losing the battle. Thank you!!!

Hello Jay, you really nail the explanation of narcissism in a very clinical academic understood way. I applaude you and your work. It is truely refreshing and helpful! I think it's at times confronting too....which tells me you've got this...kind of alot! LOL!

“Break the focus on the NPD!” Bravo!! That’s the healing mantra

Jay, thank you so much for your videos!! They have helped me so much in understanding my narc mother; never knew why she didn't seem to love me before...😢 I love the way you give us, understanding what happened, getting distance, and living in defiance/rebellion to the horrible rules our narc parent(s) made!! You express yourself so eloquently, explain things well, and just put so many things into perspective; thanks again!! 😊

I'm pretty well toward the end of my scapegoat healing journey now in my 50's. What a ton of work, but I knew I was in there somewhere. I look back at the insanity that I did not create. I think of the words "family" and "mother" and feel very ripped off. Blows me away that my primary care giver did not want me to be an individual, well I got there! I look back a bit, but focus on moving forward as there is no sense to be made of it, just very unwell people. (not me). All the best to all on their healing journey.

I’m reminding myself that I have to love myself in Action. I don’t want to bullsh** myself about love like my family of origin did. I want to be true to myself like I’ve always tried to be true and loving to others-even when/after they were awful to me. Sometimes love is hard so I’ve put myself through hard times for the love of others (foolishly~for those who don’t know how to receive or give love) and now I’ve got to do the same hard thing for myself but this time for good reason and true morality… for so long, I avoided actions I wanted to do for me because of the terrible emotions I would feel after I’d try it… it’s amazing how I’ve even done the spurts I’ve done in my life because of the pain involved… growing up and even as adult, family would heap shame/guilt/pain/sabotage in one way or another anything I wanted to do…meddling maniacs! Fake dramas and rage! so, I avoided those things out of care for myself in a way… just trying to survive… the emotional hooks were so deep and painful and these people spared no punches… to think of how LOW each of them have gone and how I’ve never pinched below the belt… standing up for myself would be rapidly reframed into I was hurting THEM! . (avoiding what makes me happy, my life was all subconscious… if I’d known what I was doing and why, and known it was morally wrong as I know now, I could have woken up.) Now, I’ve got to love myself in Action and do things I want to do for myself finally finally finally… and it’s going to be painful yes but that’s what it’s going to take to rewire neuroplasticity/actual physiology slowly and talk to myself in ways to feel good before, during and after… talk myself through whatever comes up… I’ve brought out my instrument and opened it so I can see it… when I play and sing it brings me joy but that abuse causes floods of ambivalent emotions… I’m hoping knowing now that they are morally RIDICULOUS emotions will help… awareness helps so much… already allowing myself to be in touch with my breath and that’s a big deal because I’ve thought about learning breathing techniques for years…Im seeing that breath is like wind over water… our emotions are like water… and we can move through them and transform them with breath… moving fear… feeling wrong or bad doing things when Im doing good and right… seeing this and moving my boat into better waters “who do you think you are.” is one of the things he’d frequently say… well Dad, wherever you are now (he’s dead), , I’m a human being who wants to LIVE MY LIFE & HAVE FUN & LOVING RELATIONSHIPS & MEANINGFUL GOALS THAT ALIGN WITH MY INTERESTS & TALENTS & OBJECTIVES! And my goals include helping other people as well! That’s so important to me! that’s one of the silver linings of the hell Ive went through 💙 I’m going to do what you/my entire family didn’t want me to do because ya’ll were jealous (bc they were hierarchical) and crazy and didn’t know how to love, Starting my music 🎶 in the morning ☀️

Thank you for putting this experience into words. Having the experience affirmed and validated is as heartbreaking as it is relieving after so much gaslighting invalidation, denial, guilt tripping and shaming. A core question that we all seem to have to choose an answer to is, "How will I respond to the wounds inflicted on my by myself and others? Will I inflict them on someone else or bind them up to heal and offer that healing to someone else as well? Who can I connect with to help me heal what I cannot heal myself?" The answers seem to reveal whether we become a perpetrator or arrestor of abuse or healing.

Like being a nervous wreck because if you try to be inside yourself, that person is joykilling, creating chaos, sitting in self pity, slamming things around, etc. I hadn't ever had a full experience of being me until I took Molly at age 25

Sarah is my sister. Recognized her immediately and confirms my father's narcissistic behavior. Thank you. I need this right now.

Thank you for this helpful video. I'm happy to find this today. I don't think I've heard anything like this before and I found it so informative and very helpful. It explained to me what I was doing all along in my family situation. Thank you so much. I love the help I am getting and becoming more aware of myself. Blessings!

Excellent , Thank you, I really appreciate the depth you go into in each topic !

Thank you for an incredibly helpful video! "...and we're continuing to breath through it all" 💙

Jay Reid says some extremely insightful, very helpful things. The poignancy is serendipitously shocking, and appreciated.

13:16 talking it out it can be so hard to grasp and understand how what you say applies in the physical but i just connected it to in my experience... like being able to be calm and curious and neutral towards strangers instead of anxiously lost in wondering about how they perceive you their judgements all these word vomit things you start heaping up in your head about your own inferiority you have internalized from narcissistic damage.... being able to just pass people neutrally unconcerned with their judgements or lack thereof and to just exist in peace. no more focus all poured out on 'other other other'

Very insightful thank you, new sub. Reminded of "your gentleness hath made me great o Lord". God bless you and all who hear you 🙏

You have no idea how powerful this video is...

You’re an incredible teacher ! Excellent work !

Jay Reids videos really understand more than others on youtube this intolerable feeling of keeping focused inward instead of outward.

Another great video! Thanks for the recommendation to EXHALE thru NOSE --- I just tried it and it DOES feel better, more relaxing, connected.

Thank you for sharing this deeply insightful and powerful video, Jay. Your wisdom on healing from narcissistic abuse is an invaluable resource🙏

Yes! Yes! Yes! Your example of "Sarah" - this is so validating!!!

Individuals are suffering from the "mother abuse" ive learned from experience you have to distance your self from any narcissist or the abuse continues on for your lifetime. I believe in forgiveness, it helps the healing process. Peace to all on this channel.🎉

To me it sounds like the father was projecting his own fake community efforts onto her because her genuine community efforts triggered his insecurity on the matter (an apt insecurity) On breathing, breathing with the belly rather than with the chest can be relaxing. Also releasing the breath with a sigh (particularly a sigh of 'it's over') can release something IMO. And if I can ramble on a bit more, I think we tell ourselves positive thoughts to help our emotions, but those are intellectual thoughts. What I think we need to do is to use positive intellectual thoughts to encourage a part of our emotions to develop a habit of providing our other emotions comforting and supportive energy. Not just affirming ourselves but affirming part of ourselves to give affirmation to the rest of ourselves, so instead of an intellectual act it becomes a behavior. But maybe I'm just going into my take on this a lot here.

Yes...selfish me...that was when I really came to terms with the truth!

Your videos have helped me so much. Thank you for your work 💗

For adult children of narcissists - all this happens automatically. We’ve left ourselves long before we meet the new narcs who abuse us as adults. Thank you for your helpful videos! They go well with those of Patrick Teahan another you tuber, would be fun to see you in conversation together.

All what you mentioned happened to me! I mean all videos haha. I am still fighting and i won finally at 29

I found your videos the other day, they fit my experience and the stage I am in right now exactly. I was just informing my best friend that I don't have enough energy to give away anymore now that I am healing and starting to create a life for myself. It's difficult to say no, and people are used to coming to me for everything so it's a huge change. It feels so good, and all of these dreams I have held the entire time while coping and healing the mental illness and suicidal tendencies that come with this type of parent-child relationship, all of those dreams were still waiting for me and now coming to fruition.

I think that focusing on the abuse is also due to bad therapists I had 1 good therapist in 13 years and she was an intern only person who focused or asked me what my goals were actually gave me coping and distress tolerance skills and we worked as an actual team the other ones kept telling me we should just talk about it and “we will work on skills next session.” Never happened.

This describes my father so well…

Thank you so much for creating this resource, Jay. When you mentioned the "reflex" of staring into what happened, in an attempt to fix or understand it, I now realise (thanks to this video) that it had become a fixation, and a bottomless pit. This was truly so helpful, thank you as always. Skye.

This ACCURATELY describes it all-THANK YOU! ❤️

Your videos are so helpful....thank you very much for your time. 😘😍

It’s so hard to do when you didn’t in childhood. It feels like a foreign concept on the subconscious level.

Useful as always! Thank you.

🙏🏻 for that

I prayed to God for help and led me to these videos and have never heard someone explain this so well! I am so grateful for this content and how very carefully thought out it is being presented. Thanks so much!

My mother had eyes that drilled me to the core, demanding that all my attention was on her. It honest to god felt like some kind of evil magician who had the power to nail me to her gaze and suck me dry. I got so used to being in this hypnotic trance that it felt like I had no agency unless I was out of her view. Even then, she would follow me around. No boundaries. Accepted no responsibility for any of her behavior. Ever. Even after many years of being away from the abuse, I have to be aware and awake to my tendency to give even inanimate objects in my environment more agency than I have, compulsively attending to "their need" to be cleaned and put away. I started to journal when I was in my teens. It's almost the only place I ever feel like I can place my complete attention on myself. The page is the one loving, accepting mirror in my life. Both parents broken little children. And, my brother and sister see none of this. The lack of confirmation from my family still leads me to doubt my reality after 40 years. Still, life is much better than it was when I was younger. Lots of great information, like these videos, help me take baby steps; help me know I'm not alone.

This is important to me now, thank you Jay. It is a huge process to accept that one is not responsible to save and to help (real need of help) even members of one´s own family of origin if they abuse one and have no love, no compassion and no respect for one. It gets over bearing to recognize how these family members gang up against one, and abuse one. Never standing up for one but isolating with abuse. It seems very stupid and immature. However, it´s effects are real. I feel there is a primitive need to attack one´s immune system and cause early death.

Thank you for this

Thank you! Very helpful!

Fantastic

so helpful, thank you for this content!!