I nearly said this verbatim to my sister yesterday.

I almost wonder if setting up the breakup in a way that the narcissist thinks it's their idea to split would work? Might be difficult depending on the situation, but maybe that would make the split less problematic. (Obviously this requires some level of being able to manipulate the narcissist, which isn't necessarily easy, but maybe a viable option.)

Same story. It totally did more damage to me. I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like. I accepted bad behaviors and made too many excuses for toxic people.

🤗❤️🙏

Two of the many things that can make separation complicated a) the risk of poverty for single women is often substantial b) separating often means that a parent will be required to leave their child/ren in the care of the other partner for up to half of their time, without them being there with them - this can be quite a worrying prospect if someone has realised that their partner is not a healthy person.

I left my Narc husband and my kids cheered. 😂❤

Yeah the abusive and manipulative behavior can get to be too much.. and it's better for us to distance ourselves. xoxo

The enablers are also lacking in boundaries and self worth. Typically they haven't uncovered their own stuff in the least and are willing to accept awful behavior. Been there, have friends who remain there.

I stayed married 6 years longer than I should have because I thought it was better for the kids. But once I realized it was better to divorce, I saw that my kids did much better. As I got better so did they. Can’t say the other parent changed, unfortunately but I’m glad I worked on myself.

​@@leen894It's fantastic that you broke away in the end though and I'm so pleased that your children improved, which is often the case! 😊

I admire you so much!!! I wish I had the courage & strength to do it, too. But I don't. No matter how much money I save, how many steps I put into place....I always cave. Mostly because I have a severe chronic pain situation (I had to have a pain pump implanted) and I'm barely able to function as it is. If I took off like I dream of, I would lose my insurance, my home, my everything. Our kids are grown & have all been encouraging me to leave for years, but they don't understand all of the mitigating factors that clog everything up. And none of them would want, have the space or even afford for me to move in with them (even temporarily). If only I was strong enough to DO IT. But I'm NOT. And I am honest enough to admit that. He would NEVER go to counseling; just as this video says, he thinks anything wrong with our marriage/lives/relationship is because of ME. It is "MY FAULT" I am anxious, tense, afraid & unhappy. I hope & pray that someday either I get enough courage or that he will come to a realization & CHANGE.

Thank you

Wow, thank you for summing it up so succinctly! In the beginning we expend so much energy trying to make sense of the situation, be heard, understood and cared about. Personally, I focus on God to meet my needs and keep interactions with the narcissistic husband to a minimum.

And how do you think they got so damaged in the first place? I for example got sick because of years of bullying from people who call themself "healthy". Everyone ist toxic in one way or another. Cause everyone gets blind for their own mistakes and instead blames other people. Key to turn down this cycle is accepting that everyone isn't flawless and that YOU aren't an exception. So be honest with other people and have the courage to tell them what they are doing wrong and why, cause this way you are giving them at least a chance to change. But also be honest whit yourself and reflect your behaivor yourself. If you only blame the "other party" you are toxic yourself.

@@jasminschmalzl9734 Someone's mad and lashing out because she feels threatened by the idea that somebody won't put up with her abusive behavior.

I'm looking at my sexy almost Boyfriend and thats all I need to look at at the moment 🤤💕

I am so sorry you're dealing with that.. I hope this was helpful. xoxo

YOU ARE DAMM RIGHT! I'm perfect! 🤩 I Love myself so much! 😍

Agreed! I think sometimes we just don't see how our unhealthy marriage is affecting our children. xoxo

Yes!

What is the perfect age for me to divorce. Our child is only 4 and think the world of us even though things are not good.

Often divorce does not fix the problem.

​@Rich72James...Where did you get that? Describe a senario that makes any sense of what you said.

💯 Knowing when to “give up” is a very important life skill. Choosing what’s best for you is huge. Congrats on the changes!

Facts!!! 💯

Well sadly it will affect the children in the long term they will experience trauma it will be toxic and think this is ok so I would divorce for overall health for everyone well being.

I got told more often than not I should first think, then decide, then act. So I really have no idea why people make such a fuss about it now, if I actually do exaxtly what they told me to do🤷 And when I do decide on my pizza topings while making HARD and WORLDSHAKING decisions, why not? Also: pizza topings ARE important. Cause... "You can try to resist! Try to hide from its kiss! But you know, but you know that yoooou Can't fight the Pizza!🍕 Deep in the dark, you'll surrender your heart! But you know, but you know that yooou... Can't fight the Pizza!🍕 Noooo... You can't fight iiit... It's gonna get to your heart...🍕💕 And Belly!🫄 It's noting but a fact dude.

Also. I hope for YOU that on my pizza are only topings I like! If not I will change the brand. Cause I don't like giving this big of a complaint for noting!

So, your parents staying together allowed you to go to college and prevented hunger and homelessness? 🤔

Well that was a personal choice, basing your life off failed parents was foolish.

I had the same problem (but resolved it differently) - I feel you. I'm sorry for some of the unempathetic replies.

Thanks for the video idea!! I will check that term out.. I am not familiar with it. xoxo

Unfortunately the children of the person asking are too young for the thoughts followingly explained. I still wanted to share these thoughts, maybe it is helpful for someone else. Talking to the children about their thoughts and wishes in a manner that does not disturb the children could be helpful. Maybe it could be kind of a general talk about "how are you feeling about our family?" "what do you like about us as a family?" "what don't you like?" "what would you like to be changed?" "How could that possibly be changed?" It surely is difficult to get to know how children think about something like that without suggesting anything, disturbing or scaring them. But it might be helpful for the parent's own thoughts and decisions regarding divorce to get a feeling of their children's perspective on it. Still, if there is any chance of danger coming from the partner when he gets to know of conversations like this, it should not be done.

Good on the perceptive and intelligent, not to mention brave, therapist for pointing out the truth and I wish there were a lot more like that one! 👏

😅

I know what you mean about lies and reactions. My wife started therapy about two years ago. She has always had her version of things to which I mostly shrugged off even when her version put me in a bad light. I would typically apologize and try to do different so as not to make her upset. As her therapy continued, our relationship has only gotten worse, to a point that it was very difficult to ignore and to which she would say things, do things, accuse me of things that were simply not true. Things that I found myself unwilling to apologize for as they were not true. Things that sometimes she had actually done herself and then would shift it on to me as if I had done them. Fast forward a little over a year, and the therapist that seemed to only be enabling her behavior decided that he could not help her and referred her to a more specialized therapist. The new therapist suggested couples therapy in addition to personal therapy, unlike the first one. I agreed to go as I was desperate for things to get better. After going to couples therapy for several months, it was suggested that I should see the therapist for personal therapy as well. I agreed, of course, as I just wanted things to get better. Fast forward even more, we are no longer going to couples therapy as my wife decided that it simply was not working and that the therapist was taking my side. I had no idea of narcissistic traits or that shifting the blame had a name; projection. We are now separated and my wife is threatening to also quit going to her personal therapy. She seems to only contact me when she needs something or wants to fight. I am having difficulty with feelings, confusion, sense of self-worth, etc. from stuffing things inside for all these years, I am told. I am still going to therapy to try and make sense of it all. Of being in a toxic relationship (therapist's words) for over 38 years. I feel lost, unsure of everything and am now being told that I should go no contact with my wife. Part of me can see what I am being told, part of me just can't figure out how things got so bad, part of me doesn't know how or if I have the strength to go on at times. I feel for you and honestly hope things will get better for you.

@@rogerwhoareyou hey roger, thank you for replying and sharing. What i’ve learned the last several wks from YT vids is that there’s many different perspectives out there & one in particular is that with professionals with a lot of bpd experience seem to all agree that it is one the most misdiagnosed & overlooked disorders by other professionals without bpd experience & backgrounds. I have only had a handful of counselling sessions in my lifetime, all within last couple yrs. We did couples sessions roughly 6 or so times, we both liked our sessions & agreed it was helping. Then a few days before a session an issue came up, totally her doing but i was blamed yelled at & hung up on while only trying to discuss the issue for 3 days straight .. she said she wasn’t going back. I kept the appt to explain to counsellor what had transpired(thinking in back of my mind this was the perfect situation for this stuff to start coming out to the light to an unbiased 3rd party & maybe start getting somewhere) i showed him txt msgs of a back & forth over that period between us to which he replied, “yah she totally avoiding responsibility & gas lighting you. i’m so sorry you’re going through this”. that was about 11mo ago. We nvr went back & here we are, she just moved out last mo. I didn’t understand what was happing for the last 6.5yrs + all i could see was the behaviour & patterns. I always thought it was just unresolved anger issues & always thought that logic & reason would win out. Only recently 6wks, have i learned about these disorders & what was actually going on in our relationship. It’s frightening & helpful at same time. There are a lot of great people both professionally & personally having it, posting vids about this disorder. It’s helped me find compassion when previously only resentment & confusion,bitterness(for the most part). It’s only been 2 sessions but i requested through same organization of our couples counselling someone with a BDP background & it so far is helpful with their insights. One thing she told me was that she can spot bpd a mile away & that in my case anyway is the reason we see it & no one else does is partially because they “wear a mask” around all the time & feel comfortable enough around their FP to take it off at times. I’m not sure what to say other than hang in there & maybe try someone with bpd background(if you haven’t already) as she said it only takes about 4-5 one on one sessions for the person with the disorder to start showing the symptoms during sessions as they become more comfortable with her. Things got so bad because we always want to help & i know myself, my glass is typically half full, always think that things could change once she figures out what’s actually going on. I may be delusional & fooling myself, we have 2 small kids & i am going to exhaust everything i have into trying to fix things. It could be a lost cause but i know i have to try before i completely walk away now knowing what i know. One thing i do know is that we need counselling also. These last few wks has been kind of a mind f&@!k as i find myself continually going back into the relationship past “oh yeah she said this & that before” where i’d before think of it as just her being dramatic to now realizing it was a piece to this large puzzle. I feel for you Roger and hope peace is found for all of us, you somewhere someday!!

i would also add a couple wks after learning more one night she was really calm & i asked her about when she cancelled sessions between us if she remembered why or what the disagreement was. (super rare moment but she also knew she was moving out) She said she remembers being really angry and we were fighting but not what the argument was about. The truth is, i wasn’t fighting or arguing with her about anything only trying to calmly & rationally talk to her while i took her abuse for three days in a row before i just dropped it. I asked her if she thought it was odd the she didn’t remember the reason she cancelled counselling sessions to which she replied in a slightly more irritated tone, yes i sometimes block things out! I’m not 100% certain if she was telling me the truth in that moment or just didn’t want to revisit what she’d done. But thought the reply was interesting nonetheless. Also during my last session with couples counsellor(11mo ago) i told him i documented everything but wasn’t sure why, he quickly cut me off saying “you do it to keep your sanity “ and also learned through these videos that it’s quite normal behaviour to document from someone who is being gaslighted.

I'm a narcissist, and I got rejected by someone. Anxiety struck me, and they told me everything i did wrong, and I didn't... really care?, but I thought, "I don't feel sorry, but I should be." I understood I was the problem, but I just couldn't bring myself to care, I know I'm bad, and I wish I could get better, I want better friendships and relationships, I normally do wrongs and apologize, I don't feel sorry but I act and try to for the best. I'm an okay person, I'm not terrible, narcissism just makes me unsensitive and uncaring when, in reality, I need that person, and I don't feel bad, but I know I'm in the wrong.

I don't feel bad, but I feel like I should, I know I can be better, and I strive to be, but this is deeply rooted in my brain, I've learned cognitive empathy, I apologize more and try to care, even if I don't feel real empathy or feel sorry, I will still show that I feel those ways just to make sure I'm not an asshole, I try to be nice and I can control myself better, I'm still young but acknowledging my problems is a big step, im trying to change for the better and I know I won't be cured, but I can refrain and actually help others, it's why I'm going for psychology, understanding others, learning about them, all to make me feel more empathetic and understand people so I can retribute those same feelings for those who I care most, I'll learn how to be human and how to feel good about others when they get better, because I'll feel like I'm with them on that.

Im sorry :(((

Wow, you just said somthing which is so true about them!!!! Well observed!!!! It is always my way or no way! We accommodate their needs and requests until we can't anymore. And when the s*** hits the fan and they seemingly lose the fight they sulk, give silent treatment and go in the victim mode. And blame for it real victims of that toxic game. They are the vicious cancers of the sickness of the emotions.

People like familiar situations and since you were raised by a narcissist it is familiar and even comforting.

I don't know who diagnosed you with NPD, I am no one to diagnose one, but what I do know is that every single human being is a self, self is ego, everyone who is a self/ego will have some degree of narcissism, it should not be inferred as a bad thing unless it is excessive and on the higher end of the spectrum. Having high narcissistic traits is what gets one diagnosed with NPD. Narcissism is a spectrum from mild to severe, the way I understand it, our goal throughout life is to work towards the milder end of narcissism as we age and mature. I hope you can find within yourself to believe that you very likely are not a narcissist, rather maybe lean towards the higher end but with work, you will find your balance knowing that having a healthy dose of "narcissism" doesn't make you or anyone of us bad. The word Narcissism being thrown around as 'all things evil' (and believe me, there are several toxic members in both mine and my husband's family) while also labeling everyone a narcissist is not helpful especially for everyone who has some degree of narcissism who are working towards a healthier balance. Hugs, believe in yourself.

@@Monipenny1000 thank you for this!

Then I highly doubt you are one!

@@nicholecornes1915 i’m clinically diagnosed