Breaking free from a narcissist is so hard when you have been gaslit for so long and made to believe everything is your fault. The relief afterwards is amazing and this is the answer that verifies you have made the correct decision!

Breaking away is hard, but putting up with it is harder

Doing something hard takes bravery and determination. Persistence is needed to maintain the freedom. You have to ask yourself "Is it worth it?' My answer - "For freedom? Every single time."

Truly believe the Lord brought me to you. Thank you for what you do.

For the woman that lost all of your childhood friends due to lies being told to them by your ex; they were not your friends. A true friend wouldn't be so quick to believe the worst of you or accept someone else's version of the story over yours. Hoping you find a new partner and true friends that love at all times.

Grandiose sense of self-importance Lives in a fantasy world that supports their delusions of grandeur. Needs constant praise and admiration. Sense of entitlement Exploits others without guilt or shame Frequently demeans, intimidates, bullies, or belittles others.

There is no negotiating with someone with high narcissistic traits. Your attempts to discuss a relationship issue will be met with defensiveness. You will be marginalized, attacked, and threatened with abandonment. Your desire to resolve an issue trigger narcissistic injuries. You will be guilted and shamed for daring to suggest the narcissist is not perfect. Everything they have ever done for you will be thrown in your face. Your brain's neurology will overload. You will lose your ability to think clearly as the narcissist dismisses your emotions.

I am feeling a lot of relief since I acknowledged my part in the dysfunctional relationships I used to suffer before breaking free. Yes, they caused me a lot of trouble, but neither was I perfect. I was raised in Texas, but I now live in Virginia. Also I feel better because I can take comfort in the fact that I admirably soldiered through their discard of me by getting much closer to God and starting new endeavors of study and work. Today I look in the mirror and say "I love you," and I mean it. But beware, I still suffer days when I am not at all serene.

Breaking free is a mind - set - it starts from within our soul I take myself where ever I go 🧐

Yes......i married my mother, so to speak. Generational curses are very real. Then you come across videos such as Dr. Carter teaches and a light bulb comes on. And yes, it takes time to break free of the unnatural programming. Stay the course.

Thank you, Dr. Carter. I’m currently in the process of escaping from the narcissist. This morning I woke up to a text from him saying that he doesn’t understand how I’m so intelligent but don’t comprehend reality correctly. Textbook gaslighting. And my comprehension of reality is just fine, thanks.

Required to be dishonest to keep everyone happy - is one of the reasons I’m done. Soo tired of “putting on a happy face”.

Hi Dr. Carter, Gus and Team Healthy from California. Being stupid has nothing to do with it. People that are very smart can be narcissistic people too. I just had my 51st anniversary. If only I knew then what I know now before I wasted my life. Thank God, He has been with me the whole time. My Faith has carried me through this and I am so thankful for that.

"...Team healthy?" You are a very kind person. Some positivity sent your subscriber's way is always needed. Thank you, Doc.

I’m watching for help for my son who is in a relationship with a woman who is definitely a narcissist. He’s miserable in the relationship but can’t seem to get away from her. He was talking about suicide a couple of weeks ago. It scares me so much

Thank you, Dr C. Absolutely! The 'language of psychological wellness' is why I switched from another channel. The other channel was a wonderful introduction and quality education, but I need mentoring in communication and self-talk because I was raised from birth by a narcissist. Your comments are very timely. I am practicing new ways of managing and motivating myself at the moment. My new mantra is "Being peaceful, orderly, purposeful and planning will not put me in danger." I plan on sticking with you until my automatic panic when I try these things is extinguished. I know Gus is under the desk. Give him a pat from me xx

Greetings from New Zealand. What I learned about explaining the abuse and smear campaign to someone else, is DON'T do it while you're still traumatised. You will over-explain, and your desperation and anxiety will be easily misinterpreted. WAIT until you've recovered your composure and have a calm heart and mind. I needed at least two years of being educated about narcisstic abuse, practising self-care and compassion, mindfulness, recognising my triggers and learning to regulate my emotions, and just being with kind people, before I was ready to attempt it. I regret blurting out too much in the early days. I wish I'd known that it was okay to wait and the right time would come. I wish I'd said, "Thank you for asking. I don't know why some strange things were said about me behind my back, and I'm learning about why that might have happened."

Human relations are so difficult. In the last 10 years I have lost two close friends due to conflict. I would not describe them as narcissists though. I am currently dealing with a friend who has been misusing my hospitality, staying with n my home as a guest about once or twice a year. She used to give me a gift, but now she gives me nothing and is rude to me, so I have decided never to host her again. My partner says she could be suffering from the onset of dementia. She is aggressive and sometimes confused. My partner says she is suffering and to go easy on her. But I am consumed with anger and hurt. I feel used.

This made my day with the “yucky coat” 🧥 metaphor! Thank you Dr. C. for keeping us balanced, stable and peaceful as much as possible. It all truly makes a difference. You “armor us up”. 🛡🤺😊

If a narcissist sees that you are a person who takes others at face value, they'll like that. Add to that, your willingness to reciprocate a favor that they do for you, but that you didn't ask for, and didn't even want, and you can expect them to set you up to feel obligated to them. This has happened to me numerous times with three different people. It seems they read the same book! Now that I recognize this pattern, I no longer take people at face value, and unless I know the person well and believe them to be genuine, I discourage people I don't know well from doing any favors for me, or giving me gifts of any kind.

Healthy and peaceful is a foreign and scary place to be in recovery because you’re unlearning everything you’ve ever known. Chaos was normal for me.

I packed, and my daughter and I left in the middle of the night. No looking back.

I started feeling unsafe in my 2 year relationship when I realized he was going to control the relationship and I would never have an opinion or share hurt feelings. There is no mutuality. I felt very anxious and unsafe and knew it would never work.

Our conscience is our “off switch”, or even our slow down and think switch. A narcissist doesn’t have any speed control, any filter, any ability to slow down and consider other options. And most alarming is they see no need for self control; their way is working just fine.

8:44 there’s an Arabic saying. The caravan is moving on and the dogs are still barking.

I had such a lifelong difficult relationship with my mother. One of the ways that she punished me was to have nothing to do my two little boys and never acknowledge their existence. I spent my entire life trying to please her and have a relationship with her. Nothing I did ever worked. It took me a long time to understand and forgive her (in my mind). In her 80's she dove into dementia, her fourth husband who supported her in her hatred passed, and the positive out of that was that she forgot how much she hated me. She began to rely on me and love me as her darling daughter when I visited and took care of her in the memory facility. I finally got to feel a mother's love.

I got blamed for things I didn't do!!

Narcs see civility and concern on the part of their mark as a key to the back door of their Keep! Once in they cause ruthless chaos 😒 My view from Australia😉

I've been NC from my toxic family for 4 years now , and since the holidays , the hoovering just doesn't stop 🛑 . They have never in 4 years done all of this 🤷🤷🤷 I do know it's causing anxiety from sheer duration . I'm using every tool in the shed to get past this , I'm hoping my anxiety will ease up when they finally stop . In the meantime I am being mindful and taking extra care of myself . Thanks for another insightful message Dr.Carter .

I’m dealing with this right now. My husband is a cluster b. He’s been to prison 3 times in a course of over 20 years, and started substances as a teenager. Now he’s an alcoholic and opioid addict. I’m barely holding on. I have a secret apartment and he will soon come home to an empty house. He can blame his addictions on me, but he did drugs long before I knew him.

Yes! I told the narcissist insulting me to stop her immature manipulative behavior. She stopped real fast

Doc I went through this year's ago...(before Internet! ) Then , later in life I discovered your channel... WOW now I know what this is ! It's SO good to know what it is that I was going through. I'm divorced ,have no regrets and am better equipped to see trouble ahead,and have the faith to step away! If something doesn't feel right I realize I'm being pressured...or I'm getting ghosted...this knowledge really helps to ease the sting and I can , ALWAYS with GODS help deal in a loving way and not wonder what's wrong with me. ( I'm not perfect either...) Thanks for the insight, don't let us get you down ..you do a good job , with kindness ...have a good day 👍👍👍👍❤️ PS. I'm from somewhere in Louisiana.

This is me. My parents told my kids something I did 34 years ago! When confronting them about this… they said “It was relevant” and I was being too sensitive if I was hurt by it. They constantly try to undermined my parenting to our kids. So incredibly hurtful & these are Christians🤦🏻‍♀️

Amazing what Hate means to a narcissist, subconsciously.

4 years with narcissistic boyfriend who was borderline sociopathic (IMO) and when I finally ended it - no contact for nearly 2 years now - I started remembering what I loved. I had completely given up running, once a big part of my identity. I only recently started back and it was like embracing myself again. How did he trick me into thinking I wasn’t a runner???… it was so subtle, comments on my form, me being slow, that I’m not “really a runner” but just in little ways over years. I am a bit annoyed with myself that I fell for it so this talk by you is really helping me get some perspective and know I’m not stupid that I fell for it. He also told me that I’m not really attractive, it’s just some weird thing where the photos of me make me look good but it’s not really me. OMG I believed that too. 😢

Doctor Carter, you really are such a relief! Thank you💜🙏

With a narcissistic family someone has to always be sacrificed, the scapegoat, etc.... if you're their scapegoat, an empath walk away you can't reason with a narcissist because they are always right. It's very dangerous for an empath to continue to have contact with them, they will ruin your reputation, diminish you as a person, discredit you with anyone and everyone they can for them to feel superior and it never ends, and you can walk away for years but if you need to return for any reason, like a death or someone who is sick, they will try to force you back into the old role they expect you to play, for them to have the dominant role again and when you won't play that game, then they will return to the formentioned. So limit your time with them in those situations.

The “yucky coat” is a great analogy to describe how a narcissist tries to transfer their negative emotions to you. It is almost like they are desperate to rid themselves of an itchy, tight coat by giving it to you.

Just love in reality. It's that simple. And, pray often.

I only watch this channel for company , hearing a person talk for a while , makes me feel like I have spent time with someone. Thanks for the company

It's so true what you say Dr Carter about the message of the narcissist in your mind. I still hear my mother's message in my head: nobody likes you, you don't have any friends. Because of this I've put up with all sorts of abuse and maltreatment from people. Because I believe it's all my fault. I am still trying to break free. But as I am losing these toxic people I am becoming more isolated and alone.

2:03 pm. Florida. I’ve broken away from my friend whom I believe is a covert N. She accidentally left me a 3 minute voicemail, Butt dialed from her Husband’s phone. I finally got to hear her true self, talking about me. You would think I would have been hurt. But really Dr.C, because of you, I understand and I’m really grateful and relieved. I’ve Blocked her and I’m DONE. We’ve had periods in our relationship where she has stopped talking to me or I’ve told her, I won’t be spoken too this way. But this was the Icing on the cake for me. I don’t cringe when I hear my phone ring anymore. What a relief 😅. I don’t have to have a 4-6 hour conversation about her or her horrible Sister’s or Friends, sister in law or neighbors that she refers to as Pompous and Mini Pompous. Life is too short to have this much aggression and aggravation. Thank you so very much for helping me see and Hear, the underlying issues.

My 1st husband been dead almost 20 years, and my dad is STILL spewing malevolent crap Dad didn't like before he met him, and still doesn't. And won't shut up. Narcs just won't let things go.

Dr. Carter, I’ve needed this talk. My husband is deeply disordered. I feel dismissed by my whole family tonight. But this is no life I have here. I’m a whole staff running a 5-star hotel and my husband is the ill-tempered maintenance man who lives in the basement.

I am from Tasmania Australia. I broke free from scapegoating family in 2014.

The ”niceness” of the narcissist is just for the public show... 100% TRUE! Hello Team! - From Cluj-Napoca, Romania

California-Enough about you, let’s talk about me. I have listened to your book at least 4 times. I probably should not be commenting on this because I will be monitored. After 32 years I am tired and broken, so I don’t really care.Your book gives me focus and hope. Can you break free after so many years?

I finally feel me speak my own truth again!!!! That is sooooo cool!!! Freedom to speak ME!!! And the people around me like it so much!!!! Thank you, God, me, my friends, or whom ever ...

Thank you Dr. C. I'll tell my kids I don't want an anniversary party when it comes round in March.

I left my narcissist last year and was happy , he hovered me saying he 100percent changed and cried and it took time but I ended up moving back. Now, he ends up calling me a narcissist when I have an opinion he doesn’t agree with. I feel stuck because the first time I left it was a 4am and he didn’t even know. I end up feeling guilty of thinking to leave again because he says I’m all he has. Im constant at war with my inner self.

I am from Lebanon and I am an infp 😊 I am a psychometrist and having trouble with a narcissist at work … thank you for the information

I have come up with a new term for team healthy. FREEDOM FIGHTERS 🙃😃

The takeaway from listening to your videos is always accurate and on point in so many areas, Dr. C. I think the Narcissistic personality is very, very competitive and knowledgeable in playing a person. How do they get this way, Dr.C.? They are so skilled at it.

So true....we try to bring decency to an indecent situation.......Thanks, Dr. C, you bring much peace.

Thank you Dr. C♥️🙏🔥 Wish you and all here a beautiful day!! 💪🙂

For me putting up with it is harder. But, until I reach my financial goal it's necessary. I'm almost there. You have to endure a lot of verbal abuse. If I voice any opinion of course it's always wrong. And, it usually gets thrown back in my face. Never reconnect with a narc like I have. They'll punish you for every slight they believe you've ever done to them. They're indefatigable.

My mother in law always told me that I treated her son like dirt when he was the one causing all the problems with his drug use and alcohol abuse.

I have had to deal with a few alcoholic friends in the last two years who seem fine when sober, but lash out narcissistically when drinking. I’m only beginning to recognize this lately. I forged these friendships in my early 20’s, decades ago, and where my own drinking has become tempered and less indulgent, many of my friends are heavier drinkers now than before. My brother drowned this past summer, drunk on a boat in a storm making bad choices and this has made me introspect about my own drinking and of those around me. I thought it was the alcohol driving the narc behavior, but Dr.C you truly believe it’s the alcohol that releases the behavior? What can one do then to help? I fear I will be left with no friends soon as I try to change myself and set better boundaries with others.

The one thing I get now from your great talks, is the pointlessness of trying any of the methods that normal people use to get along and understand each other. Iwas in such pain of longing and self condemnation over divorcing my narc husband, even now after two years of divorce. Now that I understand that pointlessness, and the injury it has caused me, I find that I don't have any thoughts about him at all- no revenge, anger, sadness, longing, ruminating. I only discovered your channel 2 weeks ago, and I am wondering if I will have a delayed reaction, or are there recommended stages of grief and loss?

I can accept that they won't see things or act the ways I do just as I hope for their acceptance when I don't line up with their expectations. The best I can do is provide an example of kindness during those frustrating conflicts.

How to find out who am I after being in narcissistic relationship?

Loved your projection comment. They do this during a rage too. You can see their self hate.

Would you please do a video on being in narcissistic jail! Why do we let ourselves be controlled and give them the keys to our cell. Why do we allow this imprisonment! Is it because our parents were controlling?

I finally learned how to hold a grudge enough to keep myself from their clutches and machinations

Terri from Upper Chichester, PA, I wanted to say I miss you, youhave turned on so many lights in my life and by life I"m talking over 50yrs of seriously bad people do bad things to me , yhey had me convinced this is normal to be treated this way , so you started saving my life March 2022 and I know God put you in between my music and violin lessons, the fist video was This Is What Trauma Bonding Dose to A Decent Person! It took a couple days to come to terms that it's real. I watched it a little at a time , it was hard to swallow, I'm so grateful you are you

Thank you I needed this I left 8 months ago and it is still a journey of healing, understanding and forgiving myself. Your words and thoughts are always so kind, caring and helpful.

I'm from Australia, love listening to you Dr. C.

Breaking free in NC!!! Thank you Dr C!!!!!🤪🤪🤪✊✊✊

36:47 evil is the absence of good.

Thank you for your ongoing tools ! Both my husband and my family have a number of narcs in varied degrees in them and its a navigation that takes some forward thinking for shure. I have gone no contact as much as i can short of saying hello when I run into one of them at the store or a event ,etc. I often remind myself it doesnt mean i dont care, because i do love people i don`t like. But acceptance , release, and surrender are my goals to practice with my own emotions in regards to my self for my own well being. And I do want to be a well being! I had a phone call from a family member recently and I chose to explain to him because he litterlly put me on the spot! That no matter what has been projected to him about our life it is just that "projection " and not my truth! and im not seeking the approval of others and am good with things as they stand for now! I must say it felt good to do so. One because it felt good to be honest with him because i love him, It also felt like a warm firm hug to myself , a high five to my own soul not the person think others might be projecting me to be ,but who " I am" . I matter ! Love your content and btw those little bear bookends are so cute ! Give Guss a pat on the noggin for all your followers! Have a good day Dr C.

Hi, I am watching your videos from The Netherlands. Your videos are a great support for my healing process, so thankful!!!

False Optimism. Good way to put it

It’s difficult when the narc is your grown firstborn son. We had a great relationship until he went away to the Marine Corps.

They are good at mind games!

I'm from Dallas As always thank you for the message

From Dorset England many thanks Dr C ❤

We just had our 40th anniversary. I’ve been unhappy in the marriage for years, but I stuck with it for my sons. I filed for a divorce last year and then withdrew it because my sons said they might not speak to me anymore. Two of them are getting married this year. I might change my mind after the weddings because it’s a big struggle for me. Being so unhappy.

What about the shame. I know I’m in an abusive relationship, I wake up every day knowing they won again. Last night I got insults and swear words yelled at me. This morning I make them breakfast and put up with groping. I don’t tell friends how bad it’s gotten because they’ll lose respect for me and I’ll be alone fully just like the narcissist wants.

Narcissists can lack insight but often have plenty of low animal cunning. My mother had a agreed ability to read people. She was a good judge of character and would use this to her advantage. People were attracted to her self-assured black and white thinking.

11:59 that’s me, I applied my trustworthiness onto the narcissist and took years to see how wrong my assumption was. 😢

Okay, I do hold on to optimism . . . I like "my optimism" . . . wasn't at all aware of the concept of "false optimism" and now . . . I can see what most likely happened with me according to my way of thinking . . . "let's just keep going . . . " resonates😮

LOVE YOU DR.C!!! 💗💗💗💗 LINWOOD, NJ .. THE REAL SOUTH JERSEY!!!😬♥♥♥

Born in Missauga, Ontario, Canada started moving as a 3 month old baby and kept moving ever since.

Greetings from Istanbul, Turkey.

Happy New Year! I am from Charlotte, NC! I love your wisdom. Thank you for your time.

45:58 that’s where I got into trouble. I learn so much on these videos, thank you. I’m very grateful I have found these, trauma based therapy also. I’m being enlightened everyday.

Dr. C. I have watched your channel for the last 4 years, since discovering narcissism & the realisation that my deceased Father had N.P.D. & sadly, my surviving twin is N.P.D. too. I am the scapegoat. I find it very difficult to break free from my twin brother, because I do love him & know that he has been damaged by our Father & his upbringing. Of course, I am damaged too. My twin’s behaviour ( Which I realised he did try to hide. ) went to a whole new level, before our Father passed, but even to a greater level, immediately from the moment he passed. Just before my Father passed, I found his Will had been changed, I was completely cut out. My twin was left everything. A large amount to live on. He now lives like he has no money, hoarding it, but happy to financially take from me, without any shame. He is obsessed with money, to the point of damaging health, to the point of risking his life. I have been in relationships & friendships with narcissists and I witnessed the attitude of money, i.e. hoarding & spending other people’s money, but I never witnessed them putting their life at risk, because of money, like my twin brother. His behaviour is like witnessing insanity & I know in one instance he was crying out for help, I’m not sure if that was narcissist collapse, if it were acting, then I would be amazed. I hoped this would be a turning point, even though I know he will never change, deep down. I did not know what narcissism was, really, until I came across it by chance & it was a light bulb moment after 42 years, now knowing the answer to my Father’s behaviour & subsequently & sadly, my twin. I did attend some counselling & my counsellor, honestly said, “Your twin brother is a paracistic leach & to let him die. I was shocked. I didn’t see him again. I know my twin is very damaged, but I wouldn’t want him to die. I’m trying to understand why he is extremely obsessed with money, to let it risk his life ? Sorry for the long detailed message, I suffer from severe M.E. so I tend to go into mode of typing away, with my thoughts, having cognitive impairment. I have found your channel so helpful to me, although, I think I will always never be completely free from narcissistic abuse & guilt & blame was drummed into me by my Father, for at least 42 years. I only now realise the level of abuse. I think I’ve been mentally strong, after everything I’ve gone through, since the age of 9 & over 22 years, now of illness & disability, but my twin brother situation, feels at times, like it will eventually break me ??

I call Alcohol “Courage in a Can”. That’s when a narcissist grows a pair and let’s you have it right after the 5th or 6th maybe 8th drink. That’s when I excuse myself for the night. I like a good frozen Margarita on a hot summers night every now and then. One is all I can handle.

Great episode. Taking a mental health day today and what a great way to start it ♥️

Dear Dr. C, I was married to a narcissist for fourteen yrs., and have two sons from that marriage. Twenty eight yrs. later my oldest son is now in a mentally abusive relationship… Thinking that he might help our son, I wrote and shared the abuse I have witnessed with my ex husband, a big mistake on my part. Not surprisingly, he proceeded to gaslight me as always AND gave the letter to my son and his girlfriends. They’re living abroad for now and wrote confronting me about the letter… I want a relationship with my son, but I feel I am also being mentally abused by her, and my son is allowing this to happen to us both. I realize that there’s very little I can do about my son, but I am afraid for my mental well being… Your thoughts? And thank you for all that you do for this community.

No insight doesn't mean you are stupid, you just have never looked inside to see whats there and in the case of a narcissist there is nothing.

I knew it! I was asking myself just the other day where you might be from & l said "I'll bet Dr. C. is from Texas." Not to brag but l was right! I used to live in Austin where l met folks from around the State & your charming accent brings back fond memories of my time there. I'm a much happier & more capable person in dealing with my own situation since l started watching your channel a year & a half ago. Thank you Dr. C. from Toronto, Canada.

Just chant om mani pad me hum shri or whatever your beliefs and they will go away. The most important is you have to connect to yourself strong.

Blessings from Florida🧚‍♀️

Thanks for the information

It was very easy for me once I understood what the narcissist was doing to me. J-U-S-T do it. Listen to Dr C's talks - he's very good at explaining things. Stef (Tucson)

Hello from Iowa USA

From Melbourne Australia 👍

Thanks so much for this topic. I especially appreciate 40 minutes in when you answered the question about 50 year anniversary. I dreaded my anniversary (42 years) so I managed to be out of town! I agree, be honest with the kids. Since it doesn’t do any good to be honest with the narcissist, try to be out of town and just call him. Best advice a friend gave me: Take the high road. And make sure it’s a long one!

It made a lot of sense about the disorder then the behavior Since the opposite of addiction is connection and narcissists lack the ability to connect with others in a healthy way, that they would very likely have substance abuse problems, I know the abusive relationships they form are a source of "supply" but like all addictions you build a tolerance and need more of your drug to get your fix. Thank you for another wonderful video Doctor 🙂