When all is said and done we have to look after ourselves. No-one else is gunna do it!

I love the analogy of "it takes time to learn a new language". that really resonates.

Victim-shaming for sure Dr. C! Always trying to shame us for having negative thoughts about what they are doing (to us) as if we are simply supposed to play dumb and pretend to not see what we absolutely do see. Really sad and almost funny at times. And, deep too! Much compassion is absolutely required, over and over again. Students of humanity for sure, Dr. C!

I grew up in a narcissistic home and find common ground with the question about not feeling right when receiving praise. I also dislike the spotlight. However, for me, it shows up in another way too. If someone does something nice for me, with no hidden agenda, I find myself on the verge of tears. When the other person was just being themselves and treating me like another human it feels like they went above and beyond to me. Dr. Carrter, there was a self-revelation about your childhood during the video. Thank you for sharing. My stomach dropped I became teary-eyed at the same time.

You’ve created such a healthy and compassionate community, Dr. C 🙏

Thank you Dr. C! Your videos have truly been a life saver for me since leaving my narcissistic (abusive) marriage of 25 years. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever faced. My children are all grown and they all refuse to have a relationship with me. They aligned with their dad believing his narrative. The situation has made me stronger and I’m prayerful that one day they will want to be in my life.

Dr. C and Team Healthy to the narcissist (s): "I am so sorry that your life is such that you need to diminish so many people..."

Hello DR C, Thank you for helping us with narcissist abuse!... What a blessing you are and have been!.... I so much appreciate you and I make sure that I tell others about you because of them going through this overwhelming nightmare... You are such a gift to me...

Been there and done that, but no more. When people think they are that right and rigid, You have no chance, you have no voice.

An addiction recovery group that I am close to (mostly because I am inspired by the tales of their freedom from addiction) uses a few terms for those who try to break free, but fail. “Go back to the vomit” is one. Another is “Not so much a relapse, but going back for more research.” I cannot imagine anyone encouraging an addict to go back to their favorite form of self-medication. Yet, there I was with my (estranged, narcissistic) wife, who saw my improvement with a behavioral issue, and actually advised me to give up trying and just accept things for the way they were. That was indeed my wake up call to her toxicity. She didn’t WANT me to improve, for I was much easier to control when I had a problem that she was aware of. I now work with men who have that same behavioral issue, and can see their progress, much like I had. The joy of seeing their freedom that I have enjoyed for many years is unmatched.

My narcissist ex always blamed all my “faults” on my being raised in an alcoholic family. Yes, I’ve always struggled with a positive self-image and wondered what’s “normal”. It’s been 30 years since our divorce, and now he’s trying to alienate our adult daughters from me by still using that reasoning. It’s so evil. (I might add, I don’t have any substance abuse issues.)

They act so entitled, as if perfect strangers, society itself, OWES them, apparently for the fact that they are breathing. No logical basis whatever in any kind of fact. And insulted when not forthcoming. It baffles me, it did then. Your descriptions are so spot on. The validation, that I'm not the crazy one here, is SO HELPFUL, and appreciated!

Missed the live stream but so glad I watched it through later. Thanks for validating that narcissists needn't necessarily be violent, loud, physically abusive etc but all the things you talk about I recognise in my ex partners. It's easy to think they weren't so bad when actually they nearly destroyed you. And to hear people say what a great guy is so hard. Bless you Dr Carter and sending huge gratitude from Wales UK. This was so helpful for me today particularly as my one ex narc is back on the scene.

What we tolerate is what they'll continue to give -rs- know you deserve better - all the best team healthy! 💪 💯

Dr. C. .... Therapy and listening to you has helped me greatly. The Narcissist husband died. Thank God for freedom! Discovering who I am again has been a journey. He consumed my whole life I realized....keeping him regulated was a full time job. So glad it's over and the prison door is wide open. A horrible way to live life. Moving forward in N.C. Thank you once again!!

So true Dr C. They flip it back on you. During his rages while he was standing over me and jabbing me with his finger he accused me of always doing that to him. Or afterwards no apologies, just said "you know I would never hit you" or I love you more than ever" or I hate men who bully women, I would never do that". Isolating me from my family for years " I was protecting you from your dysfunctional family". Included not telling me my father died and my brother having a brain tumour amongst many other things. Devastating and Crazy making. Blaming me for questioning his behaviour or making him mad, cheat lie stalk me or whatever. I'm still trying to understand it 2 years later after leaving him after 40 years of this. Never really knew him......what a waste

Just wanted to jump on when I heard you talk about alcoholism in the family unit. I am an adult child who has a past history of family addiction. My father and brother. Emotions were often times ignored, devalued and ridiculed in front of one another. It's no wonder it takes a while for me to process my emotions because of the emotional neglect. Substance abusers are often times the squeaky wheel in the family. Their behavior is the topic of conversation rather than the reality of the abuse going on. That, coupled with the narcissism (entitlement, anger, blame-shifting) was enough to make me think I was living in a cult. My siblings and I have truly suffered the loss of our childhoods, but that does not give anyone of us the right to act out because of it. I have gotten help and I had hoped they would too. Growing up, they saw how my father treated our mother and the other siblings. They saw how emotions were treated like disease and it's no wonder that today, they rage, blame-shift, ignore, dismiss and discard at whim. I've had to distance myself in the process. Not to hurt them or punish them, but to get the help I needed. When someone tells this same story, my heart aches for them. Truly! I sit with others who are really struggling with it and I see how painful their journey is. The first rule in Al-Anon, or I should say, first step is to recognize that you are not at all to blame for the substance abuse in your family, but that it is a family disease and that is why the inability to work through emotions is part of that disease. My father was a narcissist to the core. He could do NO wrong and often times would pick on us when we didn't see things his way. When things were going well for us (his kids) he would find fault. He made us believe that, no matter what choices were made, they were wrong. My brother suffered so much that he began drinking and taking drugs. He passed away a few years ago. It's heartbreaking and I miss him so much, but he was THE spokesperson for what can happen when a family isn't working to support each other in a healthy way. Dr C, I've listened to you for years and you have been such an incredible light in our lives. You are kind and you lead us to believe that, regardless of our circumstances, we can opt for civility, dignity and respect. THAT is huge. We all deserve to be healthy and happy. The Narcissist doesn't get a free pass just because they had a difficult life. There are other people who are just as deserving to be the best THEY can be without the discouragement of the Narcissist. Sorry, this is long, I know, but I have crawled out from behind that emotional rock and I am so proud of myself for that hard work. You and the wonderful people on here have been my support whether they know it or not. I love reading the comments and being a part of this community. Blessings to you all. Work your life because you are all worth it.

Hi from UK, thankyou for your midweeek chat, I always enjoy listening to your understanding and gentle humour❤

My self improvements have been labeled self-indulgent. I wake at 4am to meditate and do yoga before anyone wakes. It doesn't impact Narcissa in anyway yet she periodically is critical and judgmental towards my efforts.

You start improving yourself...the narc will leave you and go no contact...good way to go

I was raised by a covert narcissistic single-parent mother and one thing I still struggle with today is if someone tells me that they were "concerned" about me or "worried" about me or "thinking" about me. I realize logically that this means that they care about me. But to me, I interpret this negatively as "I am a burden to you and causing you a problem. If I wasn't in your life, then I wouldn't be causing you this unwarranted stress and strain on you for you to have to go through the annoying burden of having to worry about me or be concerned about me. Please don't think about me at all. That way, you're happier and so am I." as if I am putting undue hardship on someone else for them having to "waste" time thinking about me or having stress and strain emotionally (eg: annoyance), when they could be thinking about "important things" instead. I don't react well to negative attention, but I also don't react well to positive attention. I've learned as a child that NO ATTENTION was the best case scenario - just to blend in to the surroundings and "disappear" so as not to be seen. I don't exist. I never did.

When you are head over heels in love with a narcissist and have no clue about the disorder it's maddening, confusing, exhausting and all negatives but still in love. Crazy isn't it.

When you improve yourself...and things get "real" for the narc...let's say they move out. They will come back with lots of promises to change. You take them back ...big mistake...they go right back to their narc ways immediately once you take them back. Ask me how I know.... I've done it 3 times now!

After leaving my narc telling him I can't be in a relationship with no reciprocity, he hoovered me a month later. He can't be nice for long. So not long after he wormed his way back with a pity play, his nastiness returned. He told me after I missed some of his calls that he was only checking on me , as I had caught a nasty flu, "for brownie points." He is always sneering about people who do things for brownie points so I know just how lowly he thought of the idea of being nice to me.

Thank you Dr. C♥️🙏🔥 Always grateful for your teachings and advices!! Wish you and all here a great day!! 💪🙂👍

Hi I am new to your videos and found you out of desparation! I am married to NPD man and we sought marriage counseling and he suggested Date Night! WOW He threatened me so badly that I called 911 so we ended up in counseling after I insisted. He transferred blame onto me because I collapsed. Thamk you for your videos they are a life savior for me and I now know there are thousands of others who live with a NPD.

Love the mid week videos, they really are helping. Watching from devon by the English riviera

2 years gray rocking/discarded and so free! Now I watch her go into a tail spin at my gray rock comments, and it's become entertainment for everyone!

"I"m not condescending, I'm correct". Exactly. My narcissistic ex said once, "That never happened, because I'm perfect". Then walked off in a huff. I started to laugh because I thought he was joking. Then, I realized he was deadly serious, and that's when I knew I was in trouble.

Great video today. I would like to say for those who are dealing with or have someone withsubstance abuse, You are not alone. I know this subject well. It does get better if you take the steps just as you are doing with Narcs, there is a program to help you in this area. IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. You are the victom here. Get help for yourself first.

OMG my narcissist says he is not condescending because he is right. Exact words. Also if the kids don't shape up it was because you didn't do what he said. Or he never said that you should have done what he said. I am the grayest rock ever because I am not going to be sucked into all of his drama he wants in my life. He does not like to be gray rocked but that is not my problem. Thanks for a safe place to vent. It really helps a lot when you describe my life and come up with reasonable solutions.

Dr Carter, if I were a TV show writer and producer, I think I'd create a show featuring you going around in your day, around town, doing the things we all do, except you'd be the "narcissist buster" and we'd watch you skillfully smell out and deal with all the situations that tie up most of us 😂

It's about wanting to be in a healthy, adult relationship with yourself and those around you. Narcissism keeps you from doing that.

I love that comparison to learning a new language! In my recovery from living in a 24 yr marriage with a highly critical narrcisscist even after now being in a healthy marriage for 16 years...I still catch myself 2nd guessing myself instead of trusting myself. There are occasions which require being around the (ex) narcissist. Most times I am really ok, sometimes I am beyond discerning to some judging, head shaking and sometimes Im surprized that I get zinged. Dealing feels like the gift that just keeps on giving. Objectively, Im improving but not perfect or made of battlement steel. I always leave in gratitude. Im so thankful the exposure is not daily weekly or monthly. We just don't miss the grandchildrens sporting, musical, graduation events to avoid anyone else. This freeing for the most part. Mixed bag huh?❤

Hello from Perth, Western Australia. Dr C you are the nicest person and you help so many people with these great video's. God bless you.

Narcissist = Judge, Jury and Executioner headship. Subjects are doomed.

Dr C Thank you! You are such a blessing. My question is how can a truly mean, critical, narcissistic person who has so little empathy for others cry and get all emotional over movies and deeply moving music etc ? I just don’t get it. The tears are real but then can be so harsh most other times.

Hello, Now, my entire body seizes up and “reacts” as soon as I am in the presence of a narcissist, coverts especially. A few weeks ago a new team member joined the firm I work as. I knew instantly she is a “CN”, and I find myself almost suffocating even when I see her name. I have worked at the firm for over a year. From experience my brain says she is trying to break me, put me in my place, even though I do not work for her! She is very obsessive and driving me nuts. I’m pleased to say, that through vids like yours, I am better educated on how to deal with it. But it is so so hard. I feel that boundaries, distance and grey rock are best, the only way.

One cannot agree to be pulled back into more abuse . Seeing that and reminding yourself these people ever change no matter what they tell you

I can so relate to your experience Dr C

Really needed to hear this today, thank you!!

Thank you so much for sharing your thinking and insights. You are such a validating and growth-inspiring person. I so appreciate it.

Dr C, That cracks me up when you jokingly created a senerio about someone with an alcohol addiction, "I'm going to meet up with my buddy Jack, Jack Daniels" 😂. That cracked me up! I didn't expect you to go in that direction 😁

Thanks for addressing self sabotage today- I needed the message! And thanks for reminding me that boundaries are for myself!

When I finally went Gray Rock with AG, he didn’t know what to do. I was still pleasant and loving, I just couldn't take the constant disagreements anymore, so I stopped expressing my own opinions. Long before meeting him, I had realized that each person is the center of his or her own universe, and everything makes sense within that universe--which I might understand, though I'm a foreigner there. Somehow, that wasn't easy to remember while he was such a big part of my universe, until I gave up on arguing with him. Suddenly it was very easy to say, "I see, good point," or simply nod my head. When he'd ask what my thoughts were, I'd say, "Something like that, I have nothing to add," which took the argument out of his argument. At first it did feel like a cop-out, though it was just indicating that my thoughts didn't entirely align with his even if i wasn't giving him the chance to "correct" my thinking. Eventually he realized I had a good friend other than him, and rather than compete he tried to punish me by breaking up with me. It surprised him that I accepted his decision so readily, but he wasn't going to say his own idea was a mistake. Life is much easier now that he's not disputing every independent thought in my head!

I'm from Cape Town, South Africa 🇿🇦 I appreciate your posts, thank you 💛

Your a nice man. Thankyou for helping people through the rough spots. May God bless you and yours Dr. C.❤

I didn't know of the term "grey rock" until I began watching these videos, but I had adopted it as a method of avoiding conflict, or getting into a situation where I might say something "wrong" .

I look forward to listening to your advice. I'm out of the narcissistic marriage I was in. No contact for over 1 year now. I now listen to you regularly and this is helping me immensely. I really didn't know much about narcissism just thought my husband was a controlling, mean, angry, intelligent, manipulative, uncaring man. Thanks for educating me Dr C. I'm from Perth, Western Australia 😊

Go Team Heathty 👏

I love my boundaries!

Thank you for this.

Thank you Dr Carter ❤

Thankyou for posting this video you are amazing Dr.C.😊

Exotic!!! What a following Dr. C & Gus!

Hello from California Dr. Carter, Gus and Team Healthy World Community. When you call them out, just remember it is always your fault and they are never responsible for anything. My Narc husband is French Canadian. I absolutely love this community wiith Dr. Carter who is on this journey with us. He is a God send. Thank you so much for a great session video Dr. Carter.

i must have just missed you live.. i will try to watch this in a little while..

Love your sarcasm that brings humor to such a pitiful putrid situation. BTW, I’m a twin, too! 👯‍♀️

I want to thank you so much. Your videos have given me the nudge I need to come to the conclusion that I am never going back to my totally dysfunctional family. ❤

Dr C, will you please do a video regarding “dual diagnosis “ and how “Intermittent Explosive Disorder” can relate to “Narcissist Disorder?” Thank You in advance for your consideration, as well as, all your wonderful content 🙏

Thank you, Dr. C. I'm still sitting in on these on the "tape delay". Have a great day.

You have a blessed night too. God blessed you

The narcissist has determined that, because I'm naive (I can be from time to time), that is the reason why I should not be allowed or trusted to make my own decisions and why he should make them for me. I have fared well so far in my life with personal and business decisions (excluding deciding to be in a natcissistic relationship too long!) but that won't be acknowledged.

Thank you for your videos Dr C. They are helping me see what I'm dealing with & hopefully learn how to leave this relationship and start to heal. Watching the replay from the Finger Lakes region of Western New York.

My notes on part of the video (not necessarily direct quotes): 5:00 To them, being the top dog is the ultimate indicator that you are a somebody. In a healthy way of looking at relationships, being loving says that you've figured a few things out. Having empathy, or being cooperative, or being fair-minded says that you are somewhere good. 6:10 Narcissists use a lot of twisted logic to keep themselves propped up. 6:20 They are highly competitive, so having a sense of connection or harmony or coordination is not their goal. Being better than you is their goal. 9:00 This person is afraid that if they voice their opinion or even just make a grey rock comment, that they will get a lot of backlash. My response is, you probably will. We want to aks the question, what is the purpose of going into grey rock in the first place? The answer is not, "I'm trying to get that person to act differently." The purpose is to keep you disentangled from their illogic. If you give a bland response, they can still be very verbal and condescending and insulting, because that is what they do. If you go deeper into your commentary, all it's going to do is get more insults. This is related to why we set boundaries. Boundaries are not for the narcissist, they are for yourself. They mean you are going to live according to the qualities that you believe are wisest and best. Just pull back and acknowledge that your growth is going to be solo from the narcissist. 16:20 Q: What is the difference between the narcissist's alternate reality and delusional thinking? A: Words. Same concept, different words. Narcissists operate with delusional idealism. They really do think of themselves as deserving of everything that is wonderful. Instead of acknowledging that they have psychological problems, they just make up 'truth'. They make up 'reality' to suit their narrative. So it's delusional.

My 45 yo daughter has not spoken to me for over 10 years. My problem is not having to deal with her on a day to day basis, since she has nothing to do with me at all. It's the lies she believes about me (Bipolar1?) are so vile that I can't seem to "get over" that, as her mother, and it is never far from my thoughts. How can I break free? Once a mother always a mother; she is my only daughter who I wanted so much and I tried to be the best mother I could, but her belief that I did horrible things to her, e.g., I supposedly threw her down the stairs...twice (Narcissist). Unless I was in a coma, I never did nor would I do that. I have been in lots of counseling, therapy, and groups. Nothing works. I want her to come to her senses and realize what she believed were lies and love me like I "thought" she did and have the great relationship I "thought" we had. Why can't I learn to live with this loss and why do I keep hoping she will change after over 10 years of refusal to speak to me or even acknowledge me (read: look straight through me like I am a ghost) even when we are in the same place. How can 35 years just go down the drain? 😢 Thank you for considering my Comment.

Go Team !!!!

Dr C, thank you for helping me recognize that my father is a narcissist (and getting meaner at 90 YO). I don’t live near him, but now see how I have a lot of those “traits”. I have a tender heart, but not much empathy or mercy, I think I’m always right, I have been a people pleaser (which mom was) unable to stand up for myself until I get angry., always critical. I looked up to my dad, not knowing that this was not normal actions for a loving father. I’ve had an abusive 1st husband and stayed married to a covert narcissist for 25 years before divorcing. Could I have those traits without being a true narcissist?. Can traits be passed down generations without becoming a full-blown narcissist? Thank you so much for your helping me learn to become who I really am and being “okay” with that.

Thank you from Toronto!

Carolyn was awesome 😊

Team Healthy🎉

LOVE DR CARTER THE BEST

That Comment Was Awesome!! 😂😂😂😂

I have witnessed my covert sister shut down her son ..Example..my nephew tried to discuss something he was FEELING and my awful sister would stop him because it hurt HER FEELINGS..It was utter madness to witness .The more I am researching to find out what is going on. I come to the conclusion that my covert sister is pure EVIL. It's the truth regrettably. Oh, she's the perfect mum in her eyes

Sometimes i feel like in my childhood again.

Such a wonderful man

I had to start grey rocking my narc mother because every single piece of personal info I give gets used as ammo later

I asked my husband if he had 5 minutes after dinner so I could discuss something I was interested in. This time he actually did engage in the conversation which lead to more time than I thought it would. I actually thought I had a better idea how I should proceed going further with my interest. A few minutes later he said, “It didn’t bother me, but that 5 minute discussion took an hour and a half”. Is this gaslighting? Because to me if you aren’t bothered, why are you saying anything? I felt like the whole discussion was a waste. He said he was trying to help me so I don’t do this to someone else.

Thank the maker for tape delay! :)

My ex would always say I never listened to him if I happened to ask him a question? Talk about controlling. And he we tell you parts of a story and leave out things on purpose trying to trip me up. Very evil, managed to turn one child against their own mother. A real sicko.

this is good stuff.. now the third question.. what comes up for me is.. focusing on other people's behavior.. then shifting that focus on me.. to me it is about not giving away my power.. again if someone is turning the story around, do i really want them in my life? what came up for me is my childhood stuff where if i wasn't treated the way i want by my surroundings then why am i giving my surroundings any of my time or energy (power)..

Thanks Dr C!

Strangely, I'm not aware I'm in a relationship with a narcissist at all. Must be invisible. He must not affect me much.

Colorado here.. sir.

Colorado

Amazing Advice, thank you

Watching from England too. ❤

Stockholm syndrome! Sounds like my son! I think I am going to rewind and play again! That was crazy insane!😮 I am trauma bonded myself! I have been afraid of losing my Mom's love throughout my life! She can be quite cruel and forceful and backstabbing and shaming and always sided with the enemy! She will say the cruelest things and then play victim and then shun me! I can see why I picked lousy partners! It was all i knew!

Hello and thank you from Perth Western Australia.

Thank you from London UK

Team Happy....I am in the line up ❤ present and😊

Rochester NY

I like it better, Doc, when you address the audience through the camera. When you give your example quotations(what the narc would say), please point at the camera for a prime illustration.

How should I regard my vulnerable, neglectful, covert narcissist huaband's emotions? He stews and stews in his anger, hurt, and victim mentality (everything is someone else's fault) and blows up at me and our kids over the most trivial things. Because I know he lies to himself about our family life, I don't know how I should regard and react to his emotions. They feel made up to me, but to him and to those he communicates with outside our home they are his reality.

I think you should be president of the US...❤❤❤

How do you recognize a narcissist when they are on their "best" behavior? I'm widowed from a very evil narcissist (nearly destroyed me completely) and after over 3 years of him being gone, I am scared to death to entertain the idea of dating, because I didn't see the narcissism in my late husband until after we were married. I don't think I will live through another one. He was on his best behavior for nearly a year...so I don't think a specific time range will necessarily show it.

Your an international man now dr c 😁

Hello Dr Carter

What do you do when you are in a relationship where the histrionic narcissist ex wife tries constantly to come between you and control him? He is the love of my life but he is having the hardest time setting proper boundaries as they have three kids together and as he says, "she always bombs from the school." Please help.... I don't know how to make this any better and we had to step away from getting engaged because she caused so much trouble.

I have listened to you for years. I have had quite a few people with npd on my life. I agree that if you can not leave one try to distance yourself as much as you can. I have been able to work with these folks by incorporating radical acceptance. I kind of make a game of it. Lie you mentioned they are very predictable. They are truly amazing in the way they think. All if the ones I know also have good qualities . They do work hard and have other skills to their advantage. Like Dr. Phil mentioned approximately 30% of all ceo,s are narcissists. Don't take their inappropriate actions against you personal. They truly can not help themselves. They have a dis order just like folks who are handicapped. Just live with it and kind have fun with them. At times it can be quite hilarious