It’s not just the narcissist who hurts you. It’s the people who take their side. It’s the people who look the other way. It’s the people who tell you to move on, or get over it. It’s therapists untrained in personality disorders. It’s the lack of healing help. It’s the victim blaming. It’s everyone who doesn’t understand narcissistic abuse.

Because of your wisdom and instruction, I have been learning to recognize the crocodile tears and the fake niceness that just sets me up for the next explosion of venom and disdain. Thank you.

Narcissists will also talk over you and never let you get a word in edgewise. They don't care what you have to say. To them your opinion is not of value UNLESS you are praising them or playing into their story someway.

“People don’t abandon the people they love, they abandon the people they’re using.” -Anonymous therapist

It's a game and a strategy. Intentionally, deliberately, very often sneaky and subtly, induce confusion. They seem to be having fun, to watch the results. Slightly change the subject during the discussion. Or completely change topic during the discussion, especially when they seem like they are losing. Or misquote one person to another. Or "answer" a question, but it's actually an answer to a different question or point, that they want to say. Induce confusion just for their entertainment. This is crazy-making. So frustrating.

It’s like walking on eggshells and no matter how much you prepare the eggs so they don’t get crushed they’ll come up with a new “problem” out of nowhere and blows you away by the issue.

3 years ago I started watching you. You saved my emotional well being.❤️❣️

Keeping us off-balance and doubting ourselves/reality (gaslighting, anyone?) is how they get "paid!" There's a quote from the movie: "Guide for the married man" - "Deny, deny, deny!" A narc will certainly use that, but add in their driving agenda - "Supply, supply, supply!" Stay Healthy!!

“Desolate wasteland and battlefield”….that’s what a selfish person creates.🎯

17:55 "You can't fix stupid." -- I love this profound quote. 😆😁😅

Of course, Gus is the Wonder Dog! ❤

I am hoping that your throat feels better very soon Dr.C...you have become a valued member of our lives...Bless you ❤

Chat was extremely satisfying today. And there I sat in jeans and t-shirt. I didn’t get all Gussied up.

They love to use word salad to try and throw you off and when you play reverse psychology with them it hits them ugghhh ohh this dude is not one to play with.

@43:11 YESSSSSS. They minimize whatever struggle you are sharing by talking about how their struggle is greater. It's like a competition to them. It's still shocking how well you describe my narcissist and what I thought were their unique quirks.😮

In this toxic relationship, I often felt like I was with a flaw, like I was some kind of defect explar. What I couldn't see clearly was that I was living in a war zone and was constantly being ambushed. Most of the time I shot back. I'm still learning Thank you Dr. Carter ♥ 🤗

This description is absolutely perfect : it is exactly what I observe on a daily basis. My mom is capable of justifying to herself and others any behavior -- outright lies that are very dangerous and destructive or twisting the truth for example -- anything she feels will bring her shame or anxiety and it's all related to her image : she has created a persona for herself when she was very young and has stuck to it come hell or high water. I have seen her losing her mind with narcissistic rage when I tried to challenge her beliefs or bring forth the hurt she causes me. She would rather have me dead than accept the truth, and I am her best supply, so... The difficulty lies in that she has good periods and is capable of exhibiting exceptionally good behavior. Everything is so enmeshed that it defies any logic and creates huge confusion, especially since she trains you into questioning yourself constantly, feeling guilty and responsible for everything. Narcissists have this "gift" of making you incapable of hating them or abandoning them, through constant, very profound and subtle manipulations of your good heart and creating powerful co-dependance. It is terrifying.

Thankyou Doctor C for being there

What i like about Dr. Carter is that he points out the dangerous possibilities of slipping into nasty ways like the narcissist's Habitual patterns and says not to.

🧿They love creating confusion/chaos/drama and twisting your words to turn people against you.🙂🧿🧿

You r so amazing, so comforting, so knowledgeable, and sooooo KIND 🙏🕊💗! Thank u and bless u Dr. C 💗💗🤗💗🕊🙏

Thank you Dr Carter, this is so helpful. I am glad you are seeking additional mecical care for your hoarse voice symptom. We want you healthy and strong. I am praying for an easy resolution. Yes, Gus has good energy. Enjoy your Day.

I need a Gus

They lord it over you when you get their help. When you feel like you'd do so much and you do for them happily help them. Then they see you as weak for helping them or they will even over look or cover up how much you do help

Thank you for your invaluable help and support dr Carter ❤ God bless you ❤😊

Best of luck with the doctor appointment Dr. Carter.

Dr Carter, Thank you so much for your podcasts. I’m just now learning about Covert narcissism and it explains 43 years of a very dysfunctional marriage. It’s so helpful to finally be able to understand so many things that were going on, the narcissistic rage, silent treatment that sometimes lasted days, dishonesty and making up stories, lack of intimacy, truly I could go on for hours and just glad I’m no longer in this marriage, have been divorced now for about a year. I felt more single when I was married and that is the sad truth. 💛

Impossible at times? Impossible almost always 😳 😁 to have a reasonable conversation.

Thank you. It's been a long slow process of removing myself from narcissistic relationships. You have been most helpful.

I'm fairly new to Team Healthy and I have to tell you how much I enjoy watching/listening to your videos. For years I have been working to understand some family dynamics and your explanations and advice have really helped me understand so much of what has been happening in my family for probably most of my life. I'm especially greatful to be learning from you how to work/deal/engage with narcissists. It has helped me immensely when needing to communicate with some family members. I have been feeling more and more empowered to be me without being mean or nasty, which is such a food feeling! Thank you so much! Take care of your throat and I hope your doctor can give you some answers tomorrow!

Completely agree with you about sports that hurt others physically as well as relational “sport” that harms the soul.

Dear Gus! We all love Gus. My Lucky is having a procedure today. I love him so much. One of my slightly toxic friends who has come to stay with me for 40 years has told Lucky twice to 'shut up' when he barks. It cuts through me like a knife, because my mother used to tell me to shut up. She has taken many liberties with me and I have allowed her. Only now, towards the end of my life do I realise what an impact my toxic upbringing has had on me. I've put up with all sorts of maltreatment from people.

I hope your appointment goes well tomorrow with your appointment and that you get some answers! Thank you for all you do!

Thankyou Dr. C for another very informative chat. You really know your stuff💯💢😊

33:23 The hitting someone in the head part, thats how a narcissist can make you feel with their word salad and acrobatic behaviours. They make you feel like you were run over by a car on your head.

You are my favourite wise uncle in the whole wide world❤

I’m really feeling heavy right now. I’ve decided to break up with my girlfriend. I don’t want to assume she’s a narcissist and I really do not know if I’m the problem. I’ve been trying to put my best foot forward and be positive but this week my muscles are tense and sore and my hands shake from the emotional rollercoaster I’ve been through with her this week. I just feel like I receive the consequences of other aspects of her life that cause her stress or anger, and I try to listen, but she tells me I don’t hear her and I’m selfish. She blew up at me for going out with my friends Sunday afternoon and accused me of having a crush on my friends wife. The next day she told me how grateful she was for me and that I’m a good man, and last night she’s back at telling me I don’t care about her and I’m self centered. I’m mentally exhausted and feel physically week. I’m trying to set up a time to break up in person out of respect, but also just wanna text and get it over with. I don’t hate her, and I’m not mad, I just don’t want that in my life anymore

Yes Dr C, I can relate to the example of the man in the hospital. The taking over of my emotions, situations and pain has been frequent and I can track it all the way back to childhood. It's like that now and what finally woke me up. I'm really struggling and they've been a hinderence with their dysregulation, demands, criticisms, contempt, disdain, should and ought, name calling and personal attacks. Then they turn it round as them trying to get close! I don't consider laughter when im saying some thing emotive as 'close'. It's as if they think you're sick deliberately! They complain about those around them, but love to be the rescuer/hero(this is their strength, to be the 'fixer'). I'd love to move away, I cannot. Love to you and your family and I hope your throat gets better soon, it's gone on a long time. Hugs to gus ✌

Thank you Dr. Carter, and greetings from 6700 mi. away! We were somewhat neighbors over a decade ago; I used to live in Dallas 😊

I think I’m just going to say it like that from now on, I have been dealing with someone who’s elevator doesn’t go to the top! You definitely don’t want to be dealing with people who’s elevators don’t go to the top! I love it🤣😂🤣we have to laugh because it’s so good to laugh when you have been through trauma like this!

All praise, Gus

Does the bulk of narcissistic behavior a result of shame?..instead of learning healthy coping skills and communication! This can't be overstated! I am just amazed at the lack of thorough follow through on communication! Then it brings on blame but they didn't follow through in the first place. If your own ask you for help and you don't follow through HOW can you blame or be upset when they go to someone else? Sadly, that communication issue gets carried on. I don't know what to do to get to effective communication.

Thank you Dr. C. about your words about „healthy“ narcissism. Those attempts to trivialize and normalize narcissism, that is by definition harmful and destructive, bother me deeply.

you have such a beautiful way of placing me in the moment, thank you

I just thought of a new word for narcissists, emptythetic as opposed to empathetic. They're empty inside so they must act out by assuming they're more important, intelligent and powerful than others. They disguise their weakness by acting kind or caring when in reality they don't care about anything but being in control.

Dr Carter, it's so cute you talking about Gus. It teminds me of a time, when as a church group, we all had dinner at someone's house. Prior to the meal, the pastor prays & the pet parrot starts interrupting & saying, "I'm a dirty bird" repeatedly. So funny 🤣🤣🤣

I commented earlier and you told me to keep learning, thank you! Honestly I just want you to know that this information has been life changing for me. It’s like a lightbulb turned on in my brain and i can’t quit reading and listening. I’ve also been listening to Dr Ramani. Just again, thanks- I’ve been so blessed to have the support of my children, family and friends, all who have worried about my safety because my ex husband was also very addicted to pain medication for years and spent most of his time in the garage or shed doing who knows what-😩

You kinda want the narcissist to realize that what you're doing, is what they do. "See? It doesn't feel so good, does it!" Never works.

Your comments on pain management are timely and a new perspective for me 👍👌💪💪💪

Some days it feels as if I’ll never fully recover from the abuse and I expect it to continue once I leave for good. As others have said, not enough people truly understand what narcissistic abuse is or the NPD condition. It’s a very serious issue and should be addressed as often as possible.

Dr. C, i appreciate your work so much❤ and beside that thankful🙏 as well. After narcissistic abuse, there are lots of bad days and especially when someone like me cannot even efforts a therapists and have no others support(because i belong from a narcissist family)and get into despair that i have nowhere/nobody to turn into, when you and others narcissistic coaches videos and information are the only source of healing and hope in life. Hope, that somedays get better and lead a healthy and happy life. Thank you so much!!

The thermostat has a direct corrollation to the MEN-o-pause😂

I absolutely love you Dr. Carter. You and Dr. Ramani have helped me grow and understand narcissism so much and i can't thank you enough for all that you do.❤

How did you know they'd react to our assertiveness as "you are selfish"? 😅 Of course you'd know😂 Dr Carter Narcissists are draining.

We need some Gus merchandise!!!! We all need to get in touch with our inner Gus!!! ❤❤❤

Thank you! Praying all goes well with your health🙏

I often tried to compromise or gave grace and often times the Narcissist refused to meet me halfway. The second they think you messed up, said the wrong thing, put the salt in the wrong place etc (every day was a new thing I could never prepare or forsee) he was done with me and I couldn’t be forgiven and he couldn’t extend grace. He always went back to growing up my Dad was in the military and I had a friend refuse to be my friend because he said I wasn’t worth it because I wouldn’t be there long enough and he’d say so I’ve learned not to trust anyone or rely on anyone or treat them good because they’ll always not be nice or refuse to be my friend or nice to me. He said and did a lot of things out of self preservation. He always told me he broke up with me and moved out to “protect me” from him even though my solution to how badly he treated me was you can acknowledge and see how bad you treat me then just change and do better. Why can’t we stay together and you correct your behavior? I never understood that.

Hi Dr. Carter. Ive drawn so much strength and understanding from your videos. Im going through a challenging divorce with my wife of 21 yrs and Ive found your words so helpful in finding the strength and resolve to move forward despite the hurdles and anti-upping that has characterized our separation. I would like to make a request- Id love to hear you talk with Lindsay Gibson, author of “Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People” among other books. Her work is excellent and Id love so much to hear a conversation between the two of you. Please consider reaching out to her. thanks

💕💕💕gus

Their projections run deep. I remember sitting cross legged like all my class right in front of our teacher who asked a question for us . No one put up their hand for the answer except me. I waved my arm and looked around to see if anyone could see me waving. The teacher just wouldn't look at me and said no one's got the answer and gave it. I had the answer. Painful still.

This video comes at the right time and I am thankful I see and hear this video...I was thinking and asking these questions in my thoughts, yesterday most recent for what I am much aware of. Thank you thank you❤.

I love you Les!! I love what you say about what makes you feel good. Kindness, service, being with the most special little people in your life. I’m uncomfortable and baffled by how people can watch violence and enjoy it too. I’m grateful that I’m not the only person in the world that thinks all of this is heartbreaking and weird. In New Zealand it is almost a crime around some people to not watch rugby. I said to someone yesterday when they told me about a game on, oh I don’t watch rugby and they said, what! Jokingly I said, yeah I know, I commit a lot of crimes like that in this world.

So much confusion I went to a psychiatrist to see if I was out of contact with reality. He assured me I as not but it was long ago and narcissism was not mentioned.

I can show respect even when I don't feel respected. I really love that Dr. C! So true. Thank you for reminding us!

Love Gus ❤

Hello Dr C, thank you so much for these videos. Very helpful!! And hello to Gus. I had a cat named gus once. Have a great week!

Hi Dr Carter thank you so much

My narc sister literally said “I didn’t get enough of you, I feel gypped”. This was when I started drawing lines in the sand. 😊

Totally agree about entertainment I stopped years ago watching movies that had violence. That's not entertainment entertainment. So I don't watch TV either. I read only things that put good in my mind. I know what's going on in the world just don't bathe my mind in the junk. So much happier.

That is a lovely color for a shirt Dr C. 💜

Dr. C my covert malignant FIL raged on me in the past with my wife and 1 year old daughter right next to me. During this entire altercation I hardly had a chance to say anything on my behalf, so I kept my mouth shut. The whole time my wife was in disbelief sitting there crying. Not once did she stand up for me or say anything to defend me. I kept my mouth shut out of respect for her and her fathers relationship, however I felt overly disrespected by my wife because she didn't say anything to defend me in any way or even try and stop what was happening. I'm unable mentally to let it go, I continue to ruminate on it and it's been months. Is it wrong of me to hold onto that?

Doctor Carter 🙂 , I hope that Doctor Carter's voice gets better really soon but still within a realistic time because it's a very important treatment to have the correct one or more. . . Look After You 🙂 Doctor Carter 🙂🥰

Thank you! These questions/stories make me feel less alone. To your last question…. On the day that the doctors in the ICU told us that there was nothing else that they could do for our mom, who had a misdiagnosed critical illness, my sister caused a scene … crying for herself and how much weight she been losing due to her arthritis. “Hey! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!” She hated that Mom was getting the attention and sympathy that she felt entitled to.

Someone mentioned Gabepentin ( sp?). Diff things work for diff ppl. Plus, if narcissists are suggested they ought to take something, they "claim" they're normal, we're not.

Had to cut off both of my adult kids because they constantly take the narcissist ex husband's side and tell me they are worried about me.

Oh my gosh. Ive been through all this. It sucks!!! So hard to deal with.😭😭😭

Thank you!❤

They love to control

Why are narcissistists rubbing their supply so bad that it's literally difficult to tell narcissistists from those who are reacting or surviving what they do in a really unhealthy way to their supply ? The ugliest thing a narcissist said to me when I called out his behaviour on me : "get over it". The other worst thing to survive and not be able to get away from their brain injury they inflict on you with their abuse is they tell me I am a child and it's very inaccurate and to convince my brain not to give to it what attention they want me to , it's very difficult. . . I don't give up fighting for my freedom from the abuse , it's been twenty-five years , it's been a long time to tolerate them but obviously I am going to win hands down.

For whatever reason I had to search out this video today.. I had a dog that would get along with pretty much everyone but the people that he did not get along with I did not get along with.. I trusted his instincts over people.. I miss that dog.. I also want to mention that after watching your video about the lady that was married to the Wolf of Wallstreet yesterday I went down the KZfaq rabbit hole and I watched a few clips of the movie and I watched some of the interviews of him.. I did my research..

Oh..good,I just now hear you take some time of, maybe that's good also for your health, your voice...sorry again I forget the word about that health issue. Dr. Les, thank you again for this very good video❤.

Dr C- your comments about your dedication to on-going service projects/volunteerism really struck a chord with me. I have some similar causes that I devote time to on a regular basis (and have for many years) and my narcissistic MIL mocks me in front of others for this. It puts me in a double bind because to defend myself sounds like I'm bragging or asking for affirmation/recognition. I could also ask her why she doesn't do anything for anyone else, but that would embarrass her and I don't want to go there. Any suggestions on how to respond when she begins with a question like "how's your dog rescue going?" then immediately begins belittling me for spending my time and resources on saving a bunch of stupid mutts.

Once I detect someone is a narcissist I start using the Grey Rock Method. If the person I detect is a narcissist responds to the Grey Rock Method by doubling down on their abuse or notices that I'm not giving narcissistic supply anymore then it's evidence I'm dealing with a narcissist. The next step I take is look for the exit(Limited contact or no contact).

Hi Dr C 🥰 and my love to the amazing Gus! Soo ... here's a funny, yet totally true statement of how these toxic individuals think. In a conversation with them they will say, "Enough about me, let's talk about you. What do you think about me?!!" 🙄🤦 They just canNOT refuse the temptation to make the conversation all about themselves!! Here's my best advice everyone ... FLEE!! 🙌😁😁

When a Narcissist says their content, does this mean that life is playing out the way they want???

I just turn your voice on to feel better, Doctor.

I see right through the confusion mine tries to put on me and it does hurt, but it hurts even more being confused.

Aha...so it's power of rationalization and justification.

I don't think there is such a thing as "normal".

Question dr c. Why do they feel it's okay to take out their anger and frustration at others on us. Then expect us to be close to them and want to be around and do things with them after all the disdain and contempt and downright nastyness

Hi to Gus!, the best guy in town!

Loooooove Gus

Thanks

"Who hurt you?"

Have you or will you do an interview with Natalie Hoffman? You two would be great together. Both much appreciated!

Hi Team Healthy!

Hi Dr Carter, I just wanted to agree about the entertainment industry being so cruel and mean. That doesn’t make me want to sit and use my time for something that only makes me feel bad! I prefer something that makes one feel good and enjoyable! . Thank you for sharing about your checking with your Doctor about your throat. I have been praying about it, and glad you you’re getting it checked. God Bless you and your family.👍

I am your age Doc and deal with scratchy throat, too, quite frustrating; You sound better to me, health to you!

Is it worth living when you have to oppress your feelings to be able to leave with someone? When you have to cover your hears not hear the shouting and the insults? When you can't have a normal conversation? That's my life. If I was younger I would move out. Too late for me now.

I am in South Africa , the time difference is the Pitts to get online exactly at same time as Doctor Carter 🙂 is live. . . Still I am thrilled about Gus ♥️ getting attention even though he doesn't know he will when Doctor Carter🙂 and Mrs Carter 💖 tell him 🤣😂😅♥️ , he will enjoy it and I bet it's great for his health although Terriers are generally very happy with life and normally have many fans.