Healthy people can change their bad behavior based on reflection on it. Narcissists can't. They just repeat it.

False allegations are another example of diminishing you and elevating themselves

1. Easy criticism 2. Others are asset or transaction 3. No regard for boundaries 4. Guilt Trips, Shame, Belittlement 5. Motivation via Sarcasm 6. Passive Non-Cooperation 7. Being Evasive 8. Many Demands and Requirements 9. Their Opinions or Beliefs are All That Matters 10. Weaponizing Anger 11. Insistent, Persuasive Communication 12. No Need to Know Your Backstory 13. Judgement by “Othering “ 14. Willing to Humiliate 15. Hold Grudges for a Long Time There we go. I checked them all off one by one 😢

My experience with narcissism is like wack-a-mole: they need to feel above, so any sign of strength or independence on your part, you get wacked down.

“Refusal to take responsibility for personal and relational difficulties.” -Dr. ❤️

The hardest thing for me to accept with my narcissistic parents is that I had to realize that I’m much more mature than them because I can learn, reflect and change my behavior/when I make a mistake. I can also apologize. They can’t. It was just really weird for me to finally realize that even though they are older than me, I’m much more mature than them.

Absolutely correct they suck the life out of you 😢

-Elevating themselves. They have to break others down to build themselves up. Without people underneath them, they are nothing!

You are an asset or a transaction and you are meant to serve and obey them. Those narcisistic people believe they need to diminish others in order to elevate themselves. Cruelty and malicious behaviours define them. Thank you dr Carter❤

Narcissism is the absence of love.

Narcissists are just antagonizing. They just have to be at odds with everyone.

OMG!!! You have totally described my Ex husband that I endured for over 30 yrs. Myself and my children are still recovering. 😢 I was very young out of high school when I married and did not recognize red flags. Dr.C is a blessing to me.

"I matter..... you don't ". RUN!!!!!!

I always felt like there was only 1 person in the relationship. I was just a tool or utensil.

Remember in the movie "Titanic" when Rose was in the water and a man kept trying to climb on her shoulders? That's the image that I get thinking about narcissists. In the movie, Jack punches the guy until he lets go. I have started being my own Jack, finally.

Domination. Control and destroy. That's my mantra. My violent brother and my ex both did it. I was the lost child. Family ignored or controlled. I'd add passive aggressive.... my ex was often silent and ignored me. Now I know I may have scared them because I have empathy and lots of learning. No more contempt. I am somebody!

I can’t imagine what horror of a childhood they must have had. Realizing that helped me understand why I was being targeted. It’s not your fault or responsibility to bear the weight of someone else’s demons.

A narcissist told me how he casts out and reels them back in, over and over, because it weakens them.

The pattern of self deception is what flashed into my mind.

Suggestng a narcissist changes (read a self-help book, go to therapy) is an extreme affront to their ego.

“Elevating oneself by diminishing others.” There is seldom an environment for a fair conversation. Self-expression in the presence of a narcissist is also diminished.

Thank you. I have outlived the narcissist in my life, am always surprised at how much healing I still have ahead of me.

This is so spot on. And going through this daily, it just grinds your soul into dust. It's not worth it. It's never worth it.

Entirely and completely Self Involved, Selfish and "Me, Me, Me"

Within that pervasive noncooperation, my experience is they will either ridicule or ignore my novel ideas and then later make the same suggestion and act as if it were their own idea. It’s happened at home and work. They have to take all credit for creativity or improvement, and they try to keep me in that place of inferiority.

No dignity, civility or respect towards you in these relationships. Just chaos, confusion and pain. The "love" you thought was there was fake and very conditional.

The narcissist in my life speaks in superlatives: "You always do [blank]" "You never do [blank]", "I can't do anything right! What have I done wrong this time?" "Oh, you ruined my sweater. It figures it was my favorite one!" "Oh, you broke that cup? It was my favorite one, of course!" I could go on all day!

Narcissist will get envious and murderous if they find out one little tidbit about you that they can't compete with.

This is spot on. I didn’t know what a narcissist was until after I left one. It’s wild how these patterns and behaviors are so consistent and universal to this affliction.

Amen, Amen!!!! This is exactly right!!! I once had a brother who was clearly angry who said to me; "you seem angry." I was calm, He crossed his arms and legs while swinging his leg, his face was turning red and his voice was mean, but he said I was the one who was angry. This was humorous really because his hope was to start a fight and I don't even know what it was over, he never expressed why he was angry. A comment I made was nothing important, I think he came into the room angry and was trying to goad me into a fight. Thankfully I didn't bite but politely excused myself and left, saying good bye politely to everyone before I left. I am the scapegoat continually demeaned, treated contemptuously without cause and ignored if I speak. I no longer have contact with them but am thankful to God for showing me everything I went through as a child was not my fault. What is a six year old suppose to do with a statement from my mother; "your father likes you better than me." I can't to this day see how this produced anything good.

In ALL things, ask only: "What would GUS Do?"

The insults are required to have you believe they perceive you more accurately than yourself; then you lower your own self-esteem and look up to them, giving them compliments. Mission accomplished.

If elevating oneself is feeling sorry for themselves and playing victim while vilifying (blame-shifting, talking behind your back, criticizing even your help, demanding, silent treatment, stonewalling) than, yes, we have ourselves a centerpiece.

When I was a child, my mother once told me that some people put others down to bring themselves up. I remember thinking "Like you do?" and hoping she didn't just give herself an idea to do that, or remind herself that doing that was an option. I was confused because if she was aware that people did that, and that it was wrong, why does she do it? Does she not know that she does it? And I remember at some point realizing that she doesn't want me to have self-confidence because she constantly tears it down.

I'm going to guess that it's a pattern of no personal accountability.

My covert narcissist brother in law subtly covertly elevated himself and diminished me in the process when he contemptuously said “oh no I’ll never be bald !” - when my wife suggested to him to shave his head like I do (I’m bald btw ) Another example is I am a podiatrist- I have another covert narcissist brother in law who’s a 1st year MD intern (recent Med school graduate) who said to me “quit your career as a podiatrist and.apply to MD medical school “ - I knew the way he said it that it was a put down comment to make him feel superior AT MY EXPENSE (and make me squeal and feel terrible and inferior) - but I didn’t fall for it - I could’ve gotten even by telling him “you attended a foreign Caribbean Medical school- why couldn’t you get accepted into a US Med school?” At least I graduated from a US podiatry school - But I didn’t want to go into the mud with that pig 🐷) - he’s a toxic narcissist jerk I can identify with this video personally (but there’s many more examples with my in laws )

"You're a nobody; I'm a somebody." Lol. Dr. Carter, sometimes I think this is actually a comedy show. Thanks for the laughs and the info. It's so important to keep reminding yourself of all the characteristics and different packages of a narc. You're so easy to listen to. (Hi, Gus)

You have been the one person who has helped me survive my extreme narcissist sister! THANK YOU from the depths of my heart!!!

After I found out my narc was cheating on me, I sent him an email, thanking him fir freeing me to have authentic love and joy in my life. He replied with an email threatening to take me to court, he said I had committed slander and libel, which I didnt do. That's how a narc works, cery cowardly.

Strangest comment ever was when he seemed to be seriously reflective but then came out with comment: “I just don’t understand why we argue so much!” He never compromised & created constant chaos

Entitlement is my early guess. It allows then to justify every single behavior as acceptable.

Years ago before I knew anything about narcissism, I used to tell my then wife "everytime you cut me down, you grow a bit taller". Same deal. Only in hindsight can I understand what I was dealing with.

They isolate and restrict.

Nothing like a adult throwing child rant as an adult whilst exhibiting all of the above at three hours length every few days. TY Dr.

(They want to wear down your resolve, they want to wear you down emotionally ) Well said Dr. Les Carter

Typical statement of the N I am married to...'You arent pulling your weight', 'you ARE useless arent you?', 'its not MY role'. 'If you could just...'.

People don't care how much you know, until they know how much you care. Teddy Roosevelt. Narcissists don't care.

They can be super subtle too. Not so in your face but the message us the same.

I’m sorry I was married to one for 32 yrs! When I started counseling the year before I filed for divorce, I learned about narcissism. What really got my attention is learning that they never change. If only I knew this sooner (the part that they never change).

Antagonism is the centerpiece of Narcissism because it's in itself already a huge defense strategy. Underneath the antagonism I see these: 1. No harmony seeking but competition will create turmoil 2. Antagonism shows a lack of empathy, which shows that there can't exist genuine connections and truly felt emotions in a positive direction 3. Hand in hand with the lack of empathy comes the distrust and disgust in other people = hostility 4. Entitlement lies beyond antagonism and it's the opposite of humility and will lead to all sorts of negative emotions 5. Uncontrolled emotions of anger and rage can be pure expressions of hatred and self-destructiveness 6. These uncontrolled negative emotions toward others show the self-importance and self-absorption 7. Being scared of distinctions / separation will create drama 8. Triggering others on purpose is a very sadistic trait and shows no mercy but offensive and aggression

Omg!! My brother has been dehumanizing me my entire life! So thankful for you Dr. Les. He is no longer in my inner circle. The games are over. I'm on team healthy now!

Unique, special,entitled

Every single person I know is a Narcissist!! I feel like Steve Brody in that Bugs Bunny episode! Every Person he met was Bugs Bunny he couldn’t escape Bugs Bunny so at the end Steve Brody jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge and killed himself! I’m not ready to jump off a bridge yet but I understand Steve Brody!

Don't reason with it Don't argue with it Just leave it where you found it. End of story.

As Aways, another spot on from Dr. C. A number of years ago being attacked by neighbors I simply told the most level headed of the crew "No one ever looks good while making others look bad". The look I got was priceless and remains in my memory as the Go to of remarks.. Didn't have any more problems in that crew. Love ya Dr. C.

I see so many parallels with my sister in this video. The nasty voice when she snaps at someone, making her views sound like they're the only valid one even about trivial things, belitting others (other family, me, and my partner in front of me), cutting me off emotionally to try and make me grovel to get back in her good books. I see it all quite clearly now and while I'm still sad that I'm not sure our relationship could ever be repaired or was even ever "normal", and it means I dont see my niece very often, her actions serve as a reminder to me that I should be glad that we now have some distance and she's stopped bothering with me. I will not fall over myself to placate someone who doesn't treat me or my loved ones like human beings.

I used to go into a mode of giving up completely - the narcissist just got to call it.

“Once you see it; you can’t unsee it”……..Dr C. Perfectly put.

10+ years...... never apologized! Never EVER said she was sorry....for anything! I found myself apologizing for things I hadn’t done just to stop arguments. I truly loved her. The only love I’ve ever experienced like that. I’m thankful for the lessons learned, but angry at the years wasted. Best yrs of my life....wasted

I just want to say thank you. I’ve been watching your videos for a few years now, and I am finally getting a divorce. It’s a very scary process. I never know what’s coming, but I do know to hold my head high and to believe in myself and that is because of your videos so thank you thank you thank you!!❤

Dr. Carter, right before you said it, I was thinking to myself, "Yes, but once you see it, you can't unsee it"!!! Now that's what I call validation!😊

I've noticed a pattern with (too many) people in my life: Call someone stupid, so they'd look smart by comparison. Call someone weak, so they'd look strong by comparison. Call someone ugly, so they'd look attractive by comparison. Call someone cowardly, so they'd look courageous by comparison. Call someone incompetent, so they'd look experienced by comparison. Call someone mediocre, so they'd look authentic by comparison. And, especially, call someone crazy, so that'd look sane by comparison. People who refuse to walk the walk, but always talk the talk. People who will tell you what they want you to think of them, instead or letting their self evident virtues speak for themselves. People who believe their opinions are facts, and that your opinions are, therefore, inherently misguided. People who have driven me into a lonely life of solitude and successfully turned me against myself.

Team Healthy Baby! Dr C your a Angel ❤

My computer locked up this morning and I got angry at it and diminished it, but it didn't make me feel any better. Not even a little bit.

Centerpiece of Narcissism: "You are a nobody/nothing but I am somebody/all." Strong Narcissistic traits: 1. Easy criticism, finding faults everywhere 2. You are either an asset or a transaction 3. No regard at all for your boundaries 4. Guilt trips, shame, belittlement 5. Motivation via sarcasm 6. Passive non-cooperative 7. Being evasive 8. Many demands and requirements 9. Their opinion/belief matter only 10. Weaponizing anger (harsh tone of voice, rage, grudges) 11. Insistent, persuasive communication 12. No need to know you(r backstory) 13. To them, tolerance = condone 14. Judgment by "othering" 15. Willing to humilate 16. Holding grudges for a long time 》Pathological selfishness 》Goal: to wear you down 》Stirring up your instability 》Creating doubt 》》Dehumanization Dr Carter 👨‍🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈

My narc ex friend used to (not so) subtly put my husband down in a snarky , half joking sort of way. She would say, "That sounds like a personal problem..." and "Not my circus, not my monkey". What she really meant was "I have had it with your drama and there's really something wrong with you. The more she said these things, the less funny they were. We knew exactly what she meant. She was very controlling and passive aggressive and almost every relationship she has ever had was mostly or purely transactional. We are so done with her. It's been more than 2 years since we have last spoken and I don't know that I ever want to despite us having been friends for more than 25 years. Oh well...

Dr. C. I am still with you after so many years. The latest in my life is my beloved husband is now in a nursing home with Parkinson's. His daughter, the narc, from his first wife, who passed, has taken completely control over his care, illegally. The stress is most of the time, unbearable. I don't know where I would be without your guidance. God bless.

100% you have just described my one sister. I went no contact with her this year & the peace and serenity this brings is amazing, but it causes friction with my other sister. A kind, loving and empathetic woman who thinks I am causing a rift or sulking when I do not want to take part in family celebrations that revolve around the narcissist. It breaks my heart to see members of my family manipulated as they are still in the "fog" and can't see how they are being used, abused and treated like dirt. All I want is to love and support them. Yet somehow, I am still made out to be the trouble maker. I only had my light bulb moment after therapy. Even then I was in denial for months. I know it can be a slow process to realise the toxic people in your life. My heart and love goes out to all in this channel. I hope one day others in my family will wake up. Thank you Dr Carter for what you do. God Bless

I would like to think that I am teachable. I watch my tone of voice constantly, and I have made many mistakes using certain harsh tones with my own children. As the kids are now young adults, I have explained to them my regrets. I now attempt to execute patience and love during moments of discipline. (I also have changed the way I interact with children I work with at a school.) It’s so true that many times we repeat those healthy and unhealthy patterns learned in childhood in our families of origin. In my childhood, my parents used harsh tones during times of correction.

They definitely hit you when they don’t get things their way. It’s funny if it doesn’t hurt too much.

He started every sentence with “you know what your problem is”

Another great video. The only feedback I have today is, earlier, I was putting out some very heavy trash onto the sidewalk (an old wooden cabinet that I'd broken up), when a neighbor in a wheelchair stopped and we got into a friendly chat. Near the end, I started telling him about NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), and I shared the situation I had with my (NOW-EX!) home care clients. I compared it to the 60s TV series "LOST IN SPACE". The younger guy was like "Don West". The older guy, the one in charge, was like "Dr. Zachary Smith". And I said, when put up with their nonsense, I was like the kid, "Will Robinson". But when I DIDN'T put up with their nonsense, I was like "The Robot". When he began always getting in the best lines, it drove Smith up a wall. (The crazy thing is, the actor who played Smith, Jonathan Harris, was writing his own scenes on the show-- and that must have included The Robot's dialogue. So he was giving The Robot the BEST lines! They were the "Bud Abbott & Lou Costello" of that show.) I LOVE how these days I can get into friendly conversations like this with total strangers. It's good when you can LAUGH about some things afterward, but make no mistake. I'm SO relieved I'm no longer working for those 2 deranged lunatics anymore.

Me, Myself and Yours Truely is the upmost centerpiece. THEMSELVES!!!

It is so painful to deal with the narcissists' belief of "their opinions/belief system is the only thing that matters". Even my kids felt gas-lit and started to have self-doubt after talking to their narcissistic father. My kids asked: why is dad so sure about something that is obviously so wrong? Well, it has nothing to do with facts but everything to do with the narcissist's belief: he is never wrong.

Hi Dr. Carter, Gus and the Team Healthy Community from California. What you think, say or feel about anything means nothing to them. You are no one to them and they don't care about you except for what they can get from you. They talk to others about you very badly to make others think they are superior to you. They really do use anger as a weapon Dr. Carter and you are so right about that. Thank you so much for this video Dr. Carter. You tells it just like it is as you always do but this one is like a rerun movie I have lived. People need to know the nightmare of being with a Narcissistic person and that it only gets worse.

Another great one, Dr. Carter! It took me a long time to really understand that behind this grandiose behavior, this facade, hides a very insecure person. How is that possible? And am I then obligated to feel sorry for a miserable creature that knows nothing else but to put other people down? It took me decades to see both. And still, the anger and sadness about being "dehumanized" is at the forefront, and should be. How the narcissist became the pitiful, shameless being that he is, is a totally different chapter. Thanks for concentrating on us, the victims.

This is why you have to exercise strong boundaries. Even if that means getting loud and being harsh to them. That's the only way they understand that there is no supply there and leave you alone to go find someone else. Works every time.

A 21-year-old couple I know went through this: the husband began telling his wife he was suicidal and felt that he could hurt their baby or her. This was scary and she asked me to give him sort of a spiritual Tune-up, which I gladly did. It seemed to help him for a while, but a couple weeks later, he dropped this MASSIVE devaluation on her! With a horrible look on his face, he began to tell her how he regretted getting married and having a baby with her, that he wants to divorce her and marry another young girl who's barely 18! He dreams about being with this young girl, he said. He then complained that he doesn't like her looks or her body. She's in good shape even just after having the baby and is a sweet, attractive young lady. He said intimacy with her was disappointing and he was disappointed with her even on their wedding night! Get this: he told her flat-out: he's stuck in a cycle where he LIES to get what he wants and when he's done, he moves on!! He tells her he's tormented and has huge bouts of abject fear. He said that he HATES some of her other relatives and there's no real reason for such bitter hatred. She felt that she and the baby were in danger so she fled. He contacted her and she told him she was taking the baby to be with her parents and family, etc., like she suggested earlier that it might be a good idea to have a little time apart to sort this out. She was waiting for a flight out at the airport. What he said next was shocking.... He said, "If you leave, DON'T BOTHER COMING BACK!" She has made up her mind that she's done with all this, as his covert mask is now completely off. She will be divorcing his cruel ass. I've known him a couple years or so and I had no idea he was truly like this! He comes off as quiet, sweet, helpful and hard-working. However, the more we have encouraged him and supported him, the less we get in return. He's very empty and has no charisma. He has not grown up and we don't think he ever will. He is a covert narcissist.

Ding ding ding all the green lights are flashing!

The price is outrageous for so many of us who do not have that sort of resources.

You can't collaborate or plan anything with them.

They have so much anger. Destroy their own property, then blame YOU for it being ruined.

I grew up with narcissistic abuse. Father, older sister(11years), and her husband. I was 11 when she married him. He was an overt narc and took delight in "joking" ( think insulting)with me. I hadn't seen my BIL in a few years, I was older and wiser. When I did see him again, he tried the usual make her look stupid junk. But, this time, I stared him down. HE COULDN'T LIFT HIS HEAD TO LOOK ME IN THE EYES! I won! What a feeling. No, he never did it again!

Transactional - guided by ‘what’s in it for me?’. I recognize it. Thank you Dr. C!

I started listening to Dr. C. along time ago. It helped me understand my boss at the time. I took my weekends to bring myself back to reality, making myself feel worthy. I wish Trumpers would listen to him too - get a better understanding of him!

This video is so important in what it is saying. It captures a lot of different points and really goes in deep into the problem. I got a lot out of it. Thank you.

I've been watching the KZfaq channel Societal Narcissism and he's been doing a lot of videos on these estranged parents. There's a group of narcissistic estranged parents claiming they were super loving and caring, but their child couldn't handle it and isn't talking to them anymore. Its ridiculous these estranged parents think we're going to buy into their lies.

Dr Carter have you ever had this scenario? My narc called the VP of Nursing at the hospital where I worked my first nurse job. Demanded to know what kind of nurse I was. God Bless the VP. Told the narc I was an exceptional human being.

My elderly mom is furious at me that I've finally set some boundaries in the last year or two, and she treats me with open contempt in front of other people. She assumes people will think I'm a terrible person, because look at how much my own mother hates me. She doesn't realize that more than once, people who've witnessed this have shown me sympathetic gestures or asked if I was ok. When someone treats you like garbage, they think it reflects on you not realizing it only reflects on them.

No empathy-->cruelty + refuse to change (care)= primary characteristic of a narcissistic violator.

I'm finding that my older sister is possibly a narcissist. Her behavoir while I try to make my break is unbelievable.

Such a simple explanation of a complex disorder. Makes so much sense! I tend to overthink and make things too complicated. Ugh. Thank you Dr. Carter. :)

Dr. Carter: Does the narcissist actually feel "love"? Is it just a "craving" for their supply?

Blame-shifting

This is so true! One family member who is held above others can be so destructive. I have a hard time thinking about how my mother would be treated if she goes to live with my brother and SIL. Other people are too much a bother with. I told my mother we plan to move. She has decisions to make. She doesn't like to hear this but she will have to figure it out. I didn't raise him. I don't need to adjust my life accordingly any longer. Their future is set.

Still watching just because of the good vibes

9:16 Me sharing how my family did things or how I was raised was always met with harsh criticism, and reminders that I left my family to marry him, and I can’t use those things as excuses, and whatever else he came up with that day. Nothing was ever a good enough reason for anything if he decided it wasn’t okay.

Gus once again is awesome! He brings joy Dr C!

Is there people here who the narcistic person is their adult child

Hello Doc C, You Nailed it, My Oldest Brother by 6 years. I Remember Like Yesterday, My Parents who were Wonderful, went to Phycologist in the 70s took me Along, to talk about our Family, I Remember him saying " There's Nothing Wrong with You People you have to Get your Oldest Son in Here". Course he wouldn't Go. That Guy Laid Waste to a Family with No Problems Except for Him. By the way Zen Master Gus Looked at Camera the Whole time, Funny