Hello you savages. Get my free Reading List of 100 life-changing books here - chriswillx.com/books/ Here's the timestamps: 00:00 What is Attachment Theory? 05:15 Why Is This Useful in Evolution? 12:53 How Attachment Styles Are Formed 23:07 Attachment Before & After 18 Months 26:15 How to Discover Your Own Style 30:47 The Core of Anxious Attachment 34:42 Tactics to Regulate Anxious Attachment 46:31 Is Anxious Attachment More in Women? 53:27 Understanding Avoidant Attachment 1:03:11 What Does Being Avoidant Feel Like? 1:12:29 How to Regulate Avoidant Attachment 1:24:49 Can You Improve Attachment on Your Own? 1:30:18 Having a Foggy Memory of Childhood 1:35:48 How to Help an Anxious/Avoidant Partner 1:42:44 Where to Find Connor

As a fearful avoidant myself, this guy nailed it perfectly on the head. You learn to rely on yourself so much that you just feel frustrated at yourself for not being able to let go and just ask for help. You just lie to yourself and everyone around you about being okay, but inside is this storm of negative emotions and self hate.

1:22:33 - For those looking for the same thing I was, the combination of both, he called Fearful-Avoidant or Disorganized-Attachment and he mentions it here. "Really deep desire for intimacy and closeness while feeling completely unlovable and distrusting people to accept who you are and actually support you."

I spent over a decade (IN THE PAST CALM DOWN) in therapy with a whole multitude of issues, and it just took this 1 podcast to COMPLETELY explain my entire life and why I am the way I am. I'm actually in mild shock and disbelief right now. EDIT: To tell people they're freaking out for no reason thinking I'm still in therapy.

Connor’s the man. Great male-oriented approach to self-development without the limitations of the red-pill worldview

Connor articulates men’s emotions extremely well. A wise man to follow gents.

Lack of attachment to a caregiver leads to attachment to the need itself. I never heard that idea before

It took 5 relationships to recognise i was constantly with emotionally unavailable people as it mirrored my upbringing.. once i figured that out i then began to see my anxious side.. however, through later life trauma i also inevitably swung to avoidant to cope (though i didnt realise that) suffice it to say, after several years of then feeling like i just couldnt seem to make friends, partners or keep a job and had a mental breakdown did i finally understand i had disorganised attachment and was only ever keeping one plate in the air. Trying to keep both up was hard and for the most part i have the anxious side sorted in external relationships though still get triggered by my parent - the avoidant side is much harder to handle as its become somewhat of a shield now. Trusting that others will stay and actually care is the core issue left to tackle. And now in therapy to do that. Love this in depth video- great to hear it all so well explained and in one video not ten! Lol Have saved to share with others in the future.

(Dismissive) Avoidant Attached here. Grew up with a Disorganized Attached father and a Secure Attached mother. My father dealt with war trauma (Japanese Occupation in the 40’s) and he was very verbally violent. All I could do as a 4 year old (and on) is go into freeze, shut off and avoid. I did this for 43 very long years. For you people out there, Avoidant Attached people want to connect! But we feel unsafe in our bodies and we are scared to be vulnerable again because: ‘what if?’. Somatic Experiencing is helping me heal and to move into Secure Attached now and oh boy…. It is worth it!

Great video. One of the things rarely talked about is how family emeshment can lead to avoidance. Some people felt they had very loving parents when in fact they were quite enmeshed.

Like many of us, I have watched/listened to what now amounts to hundreds, if not thousands, of videos and PCs pertaining to self-help, mental health, wellness, and the like. Not a single one hit my innermost soul as hard (nor resonated with me as much) as this blessing to the world. Thank you both beyond measure. 💓🙏🏻🌹

I have avoidant style, recognised a few years ago by a friend in mental health. I was a ‘mail order’ adoption via a London agency and at four months I was flown out to my adoptive parents living in an African colony. My new mother, a single child who’s father died when she was two, didn’t warm to me and struggled to bond, frequently leaving me with a neighbour, my dad was on an upward career path and his time was limited. At 3.5 years my sister arrived after fertility treatment and she became the focus. I was a mischievous kid , a handful and would often escape the house to explore. Primary school was stabilising, weekends and school holidays would be daily escapes into the bush with my school pals, on my returns I would be punished, hand, shoe, dog lead, swinging broom, belt whatever was to hand. At nine after being brought home by the police for the third time I was sent to boarding school, 1200 miles away in South Africa, to be ‘straightened out’ left there 3 days before school started. I became a scrapper to manage the bullying, a behaviour which came with frequent canning. After starting I didn’t return home for two terms, there was a problem with my adoption which delayed a passport being issued. When I got home, we were sitting around a pool where my parents told me I was adopted, that I wasn’t their natural son and about the passport issue. I got up and sat the other side of the pool and cried, my sister came round and gave me a hug and told me I was always going to be her brother. That pool became symbolic, I felt unwanted, school became ‘home, I dreaded end of term and became independent. At 14, my folks returned to the U.K. and a whole new set of experiences. There’s more but whilst my folks were indifferent to my sports and career successes, my sister always kept me tied into family events. This cast covers much of what I felt and feel, experienced and experience.

The problem with Attachment Theory is its presumed causality (i.e. you’re this way because of the way you learned to connect with others during your early childhood, largely with your mother). This is disproven by twin studies showing relational impacts of temperament (specifically in the domains of neuroticism and agreeableness). At best, Attachment Theory is personality theory for agreeable people who prioritize the view of the world through the lens of relationships. This is useful, but imprecise. As long as it’s sold a relational heuristic, which it is, then we’re all good. However, most mid-level psychotherapy practitioners aren’t sufficiently versed in research operationalization or psychometrics and we end up with an industry-wide case of concept creep. Highly agreeable people are disproportionately represented in the field of psychotherapy (which is largely a good thing) but they’re certainly inclined to view psychology through a relational lens even if it’s the wrong tool to lead to a solution.

I wasn't always, but have been an avoidant individual for the past decade or so. I'm decent looking, fairly intelligent, and have average social skills, but after experiencing trauma I detached myself socially. I'm now afraid to go out and have no one to go out with. I'm also a perfectionist, so I only want to show the best version of myself and afraid to show vulnerabilities.

Guilt results in a desire to atone. Shame results in a desire to hide. "Love is always stronger than fear."

❤️ the gratitude list! This method is gold : grateful for ->is important for me because-> how it makes me feel is

This entire conversation is an absolute goldmine. Thank you, Chris & Connor!

I think Chris asked a good question about brain scan differences in people with attachment disorders. I wish there was a bit more of a discussion about this here but I wanted to add that there are differences as evidenced by brain scans and clinical research, and it is fascinating especially when it comes to avoidantly attached individuals. There are numerous published studies that show avoidantly attached individuals suffer more memory issues, respond less to stimuli, and overall show fundamental physiological differences in their brains. 🧠 it’s not as simple as they feel anxiety about intimacy and then ghost; they actually in many cases aren’t wired to even receive and experience closeness the same way secure or anxiously attached individuals are, so their experience of “anxiety” is likely not the same. I personally would be so excited to see an episode with Dr. Kirk Honda who runs the YT channel Psychology in Seattle. His content is high quality. He has hours of discussion on attachment theory on his podcasts and KZfaq channel.

Connor and Chris are some of the best masculine role models I came across in my Life, especially for modern men. Thank you both for your massive work for Men's mental health and healthy Life.

It's incredibly frustrating having been forced into responsibility for my parent's emotions then responsible ONCE AGAIN to dig my way out.

As a guy who doesn’t seem to have either of these problems at least to a deep extent, it explains soooooooo many people I know and couldn’t understand. Learned a lot. Thanks.

Another really good breathing technique a friend taught me when u have trouble breathing when anxious, is to breathe in deep, then try to breathe in just a little more. Hold it for a few seconds, then exhale slowly. Has saved me from a few panic attacks.

Recovering anxious here. What has worked for me is breathwork (Buteyko method), meditations from Dr Joe Dispensa to rewire my somatic patterns and self esteem work (Six Pillars of Self Esteem and learning to trust myself by keeping my word and unraveling my need for external validation). And Stoicism as a framework.

Fearful Avoidant here👋 It's not a beautiful thing, it sucks pus😂 It's hard! I'm even studying psychology and trying to heal this is hard! Thank goodness the urge for connection is greater than avoiding everything, disappearing into the woods, and becoming crazy old cat lady. Seriously though, great podcast❤️❤️❤️

I watch a lot of KZfaq videos but I’m half way through this one and I already want to send it to everyone I know. This guy can truly change peoples lives!

for me, best podcast to date. exactly what I needed eternally grateful

It also doesn’t help that the avoidant men almost feel as though they probably aren’t allowed to lean on anyone and who tf are they gonna lean on? Their anxious gf? That’s not very trust inducing because in society men’s needs don’t really matter. They are seen as oppressive or inconvenient now.

This has been eye-opening. I've misunderstood attachment styles this whole time.

I’m not a man, but this guy is great and this is one of the best discussions I’ve heard. He helps me understand my husband better.

Thank you, Chris, for bringing up the dual attachment style, "fearful avoidant,". I haven't really looked into attachment styles, but I'm sure there are a few people out there who can relate.

Wow, when he talked about giving the dismissive avoidant as much choice as possible 1:41:56 , I discovered something new about myself. I feel like a dismissive avoidant and if my partner did that for me I could see myself loving it.

Chris, I want to thank you for ASKING about the difference between the dismissive avoidant and the fearful avoidant attachment style. If it weren't for you, your guest wouldn't have even mentioned it. His short response also shows he doesn't know much about that third insecure AS, or - what's worse - believes it's just a subtype of the dismissive avoidant one that doesn't even deserve to be mentioned. As a fearful avoidant woman, I do not relate 100% to the dismissive avoidant people - one of the things I'm scared of is how anxious and dependent I get once I start to care about someone. They never experience that. I do want to thank Connor for a few things though: for making it clear that you can't think yourself into the secure attachment style and that you need to use other ways and methods of healing yourself; and that you can't do it alone - you get hurt in your relationships so that's where you heal as well.

I'm not sure if this is even possible but i've always seen myself as avoidant and noticed my avoidant tendencies through various relationships. But as im listening to this podcast and reflecting on my last relationship of 4 years i realised that i'd cycled through all 3 attachment styles. I started the relationship secured but after a year my partner started to complain more and more about my behaviour. One day he admitted to breaching my privacy behind my back (which im fine sharing when we're in front of one another), I realised how little trust he has for me. I suddenly turned into the most anxious person clinging onto him, asking and checking if my behaviours were satisfactory to him (seeking validation). After another year nothing changed and I just became avoidant. I stopped sharing my thoughts, what i needed, i just grew hyper independent within the relationship -wanting to do everything on my own, disregarding his feelings. And slowly the r/s went towards the end. So based on this story did i actually display all 3 attachment styles? Or am i understanding this topic wrongly?

This is the first time I have heard someone acknowledged meditation can be harmful for those with severe PTSD. It's so refreshing to hear.

Chris and Conner-amazing!! Love the sweet comraderie that you have as the conversation unfolded later. All was amazing and learned way too much-need to re-listen again-but what stood out was about gratitude-I always found it completely meaningless and thought terrible things of maybe I’m ungrateful! Thanks for clarifying immensely how to talk about gratitude. I’ve hated gratitude talks and manifestation talks too and just couldn’t put my finger on what it was that didn’t sit right. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I have three amazing sons (teen, preteen, and younger preteen) and I’m pro-female and pro-male and they know it! Such a poignant episode.

12:52 Allowing the guest to pick what they want to talk about from the host’s options. Powerful.

Disorganized attachment is what everything has pointed to for me but I had a hard time accepting it because I was never physically abused or in fear physically. In the rear view mirrow..my family/home/care providers went to crap during my teen years. I actually had 2 primary father figures at same time(1 was grandfather). Grandfather murdered in robbery at 13, father diagnosed with severe illness during same month and eventually became extremely needy physically and needy as in selfishly demanding, tons more shock traumas in the family, then my mother started to lose her mind trying to hold us all together. I was emotionally closest to her before all of this. She became highly emotionally unstable and unsafe for me to be around emotionally and she'd lash out so I walked on egg shells. I even remember holding my breath in the mornings when i heard her foot steps going down the hall never knowing if she was coming to attack me for not being more helpful or if she was going to ignore me. These teen years are years I remember learning to withdraw from conflict and withdraw from bonding with my parents emotionally even though i strongly desired the bond we used to have before the world fell apart. Now I'm married to an avoidant woman and our relationship is extremely difficult for us to bond and I just recently discovered all these attachment issues and have no idea how to fix it all. (It was nice just to type this out somewhere where I'm anonymous)

I'm currently being ghosted by a man who leans fearful avoidant. All I want to do is help him and be there for him and show him he can rely on other people, but there's nothing I can do but let him be. We had talked about him going to therapy to work through his fear of intimacy and relationships. I really hope he seeks it out eventually because he deserves to be free from that fear. If he reappears (and hopefully takes accountability) I will tell him how I feel and offer to be his friend because I don't want to experience the pain of being a romantic partner of someone who disappears 😢 I've already gone through it with a couple friends and that was bad enough to go through. I think people who have avoidant tendencies are heavily misunderstood and my heart truly goes out to them.

I am really emotionally avoidant. Though I cannot say this has anything to do with my upbringing. Actually my mother was always very caring and approachable, and frequently complained that I never shared with her. This avoidance definitely fortified itself when I understood how terrible people are at listening and understanding. So I grew up becoming a good listener and a great avoidant. I always carried the mantra with me that "If it's my problem, it's mine to worry about, and up to me to find a way to fix it"

Personaly I chose to not go into therapy just because I had the firm belief that it would be completely useless, tried to manage the whole thing on my own. Had both anxiety and avoidant type, now got rid of the anxiety one thanks to the ton of self education on the internet, but the avoidant one still remaining for no reasons. This episode is completely relieving for me. « Someone finally understood my problem »..

I know this was for men, but this helped me more than so many books and podcasts. I realized I may be one of the few that have disorganized attachment. I always thought that I was anxiously attached but a lot of the techniques really didn't help me. I run away from relationships also and this was the first time I heard someone so clearly describe the avoidant piece in an empathetic sort of way. The strategies and techniques provided are something I'm going to speak to my therapist about and this may be the start of a whole new chapter for me, thank you both.

I try to be sympathetic towards avoidant men when it comes to dating but it’s hard to try to show sympathy when they ghost. Did I get played? Did he begin to catch feelings and run from them? Regardless I was heartbroken and never got an explanation as to why they disappeared after seeming so eager to start a relationship. The lesson is, it’s not your job to fix men, hope they go to therapy and improve but don’t destroy your mind trying care for them when they’re giving you nothing

Something I realised as listening to this... there are 3 Identities at play.. I, them, us.. how much you trust each of those identities is key.. we can think our way to trust. We must do activities that build trust for each of those identities.. this way of thinking about it is far superior to the current connection model.

The amount of insights in this episode are mind boggling! Thank you Chris and Connor, I found this exactly when I needed it.

The section regarding the foggy childhood memory is interesting, because I've heard from my neighbors that my home life growing up was stressful and chaotic, cop cars coming and going, screaming matches on a weekly basis mixed with physical abuse, the whole gamut of an unstable family life with emotionally taxing events happening more often than they should. I don't remember a whole lot, because a lot of it seems to just blur together; same shit, different day. I remember very vividly the things that happened to me, but I feel like my experience doesn't have credibility because I can't recall every single unfortunate that happened to me at home. I don't need to be validated for my misfortunes and stress growing up, but I wish I knew more about what I experienced so I can learn and more effectively move past it. Not being able to recall as much makes me feel defunct, like I am stunted in my memory recall and that I shouldn't feel justified in thinking I still have things I can resolve to achieve emotional "fullness".

Chris, I urge you to invite Canadian developmental psychologist Gordon Neufeld to have a chat. He's buddies with the very famous Gabor Mate and they have written books together. He is really great at communicating attachment theory so it's really easy to understand. Sadly he's not very present in the podcast universe, but he really should be, and I'd love to have someone get him to comment on present topics like the culture wars, politics, the psychedelic renaissance, etc. He's a hidden gem!

After 54 years on this planet with more heart-ship that one person should have, the best attachment for me is to have NONE..zero..only to myself. This redeemed me and made me whole and happy

Wonderful episode! Thank you both!

30 minutes into this episode and it’s an absolute classic already

Men: choose the mother of your children very carefully. Women: choose the father of your children very carefully. Regarding love, we often think of and are fed the message that love is altruistic, but this (imo) is just one of two parts of love. The other part of love is attachment. Attachment is the aspect of love that is selfish. You can only have love without attachment if that love has first moved through attachment. To go straight to love without going through attachment first is to not love, but be indifferent. Attachment (when healthy) helps us determine if someone is a suitable partner for us.

We need to build trust ourselves, our relationships and us as a team.

Wow this is a goldmine thank you

My god, this explains so much. Im in tears

Chris you did a great job of asking the right questions, at least the ones I personally wanted the answers to.

Very good interview; lots of useful information. Thanks

Need and want are words of the lower consciousness. We are in a huge shift in consciousness and vibration of words plays a huge role in this. We recognize we are capable of meeting our own needs and we become clear on that which we VALUE. We recognize we are capable of getting what we want and we become clear on that which we ENJOY. Value and enjoy do not imply lack whereas need and want imply it is lacking. Literally practice this and you’ll see a difference in how energy materializes in your reality.

Attachment theory was very helpful for me (f, dismissive-avoidant). I kept asking myself what was wrong and couldn't find a solution, and I'm one of those hyperindependent people, who press through every obstacle without help. By all means, I should have been able to solve this stupid problem. I had fixed myself before in other ways, like developing good social skills from scratch. I had even pushed myself out of my comfort zone and had difficult discussions with people, although I just wanted to run. I SHOULD have the skill set and will and endurance to make things work. But they just don't. And it's getting worse with age. The more I improve socially, the more friendly and open and caring I become, the worse I am treated. People treated me better 20 years ago, when I was a recluse, who couldn't hold a conversation. Fixing myself has done nothing for me; in fact it feels like it has harmed my ability to brush over abuse, like I did as a child. But attachment theory did something for me. I only got diagnosed last year, but it has changed things. I realised that I was damaged by my caregivers before I could even speak, and that this did cause a subtle form of brain damage (or rather an abnormal form of brain development, that can't be reversed). I will always have a crippled amygdala situation, that no amount of therapy or medication can reverse. It doesn't matter what I do or say in social settings. This time I can't fix it on my own, and professional help is insufficient in a case, where I would need a functioning relationship with a person willing to help. Which leads to the next problem - normal people don't want a nutcase, that they have to fix to get along with, and they're right. A relationship partner should not be misappropriated as a therapist. It's too much, it isn't fair, and I don't want to feel like I'm dating a caregiver. And that's apart from the fact, that I couldn't find someone willing to go the extra mile, even if I wanted to. So here's what attachment theory did for me: It gave me permission to finally quit this $hitshow. I'm not continuing to date people. I will keep my friendships on a superficial level - get rid of friends, who show toxic behaviour, and not open up much with new friends. I've had enough of being treated like dirt, and sadly (based on the environment I grew up in) I attract Cluster B personalities (narcs and borderliners), even when we're just talking about friendship. This stops here, and finding out that I'm avoidant and never stood a fighting chance to find a single safe relationship helped me to come to this decision. That took away a lot of pressure and made me feel better, because all those years I thought I needed to fix something that was unfixable from the start.

KZfaq is an incredible resource, thank you for making these!

A very meaningful discussion. Loved this one. Feel like I learned so much.

Great episode! I always enjoy conversations with Connor. Today he helped me learn I'm both anxious and avoidant 👍

I really needed this right now.

I've argued/yelled at my phone/you guys on other topics, other chats & podcasts, but this is your best work yet! (not womanhating/projection/patronizing to the ladies) Emotionally 'in tune' intelligent and humble and honest. Beautiful! (for quite some time lately lol) Ive wished i was a lesbian. But I still love men! ❤

Love how healthy and Amazingly both expressed love and appreciation to each other in the end. That brings me joy that gorgeous men can be loving. There is humanity and goodness in them 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼 hope more men become like these 2 are ❤

Not sure if this was mentioned in the video, but I'd like to add this before I forget. What is considered secure attachment may look different for different cultures (at least that's what I heard, but I forgot who said this). Most of the time (like in psychology), we view things through a Western lens. There are many different perspectives, so what is considered a secure attachment style in the US, Canada, of the UK may be different from what is considered secure in Asia or the non-Westernised parts of Oceania.

Thankyou! Such a wondrrful and helpful discussion. For me and others that struggle in relationships, forming and maintaining them this is wonderfully practical and i hope it helps others in creating a more satisfied and locing life!

Brilliant, brilliant interview, thank you! This has been invaluable.

This is fantastic and has given me alot of insight into some of my own relationships -- thank you.

Young women put in caregiving roles early in life can end up as avoidant ppl later in life. Everyone is a child or childish to them. They don’t want to be responsible for others.

As an ex-fearful avoidant , my experience was a constant struggle between conflicting emotions. I would intensely want to get close to someone, only to pull back in fear the next moment. It was a perpetual cycle of push and pull, feeling uplifted by the connection and then crashing down with doubts. My mind was a battleground of "yes" and "no," swinging between hopefulness about the relationship and hopelessness about its future. It was exhausting ☹️

Really needed this pod, thank you both fellas.

I know a lot of people who talk about their 'great childhood' because that is the family story that they are told, and it's the story they want to believe, even though it's clear that can't be the case.

Such a great talk ♥️🫠🫶 Very informative & healing to listen to ♥️

What a great video, I honestly needed this video. I know have a better understanding of myself. I’m an avoidance person and often shut down when I get to a point.

Thank you men 👍👍 a brilliant conversation ❤

Incredibly helpful video. Wow.

Men: choose the mother of your children very carefully.

As an empath who grew up with an avoidant attachment (narcissistic parents)--but have long since healed from that trauma--I still strongly dislike being with folks who have an anxious attachment. Guys with anxious attachments usually aren't that bad, because they've learned a modicum of self regulation, but gals with anxious attachments register entirely as vampiric. My red flags start flying the moment I see them...and I don't even have to know nor speak with them. Guys with avoidant attachment styles tend to be "mildly" annoyed with me, because try as they want...they can't hide their emotions from my "radar". Lol. Ultimately, my tip for guys who are dealing with being avoidant is to come to terms with the emotions. Even the simple acceptance of "I feel X" does wonders in helping to unpack that boiling monstrosity of emotional trauma bubbling under the surface.

Podcast like this hitting every point you people know me wow thank you so much for these videos ❤👏 God bless you doctors

This is good stuff, but it doesn't just apply to intimate relationships! You can be securely attached intimately, but be anxious or avoidant in platonic relationships or friendships (always trying to impress friends or avoid "clingy" ones). How you interact with strangers can also help you figure out your attachment issues.

Thank you, you guys are awesome!

What he said about making yourself the center of your own orbit since you know youre not the center of anyone else's... Thats legit how it feels and is good concise description.

This was so fascinating and helpful.

He talks about avoidants who are in relationships, but what about avoidants who don't/won't engage in relationships, who accept their lot, and have learned to manage living without?

I think it's all genetics - the environment will affect the epigenetics. Individuals are born with a temperament that predisposes them to particular reactions to environmental cues. In other words - an anxious person is born with this tendency and if exposed early on to environments that provoke anxiety they will learn that the tendency to be anxious is well founded. The environment reinforces the anxious predisposition. If that same person is exposed early on to environments that do not reinforce the anxious behavior, then they learn that the tendency is not well founded. The environment does not reinforce the anxious predisposition. The upshot being that everyone is not born with a clean slate - meaning that we all have personality predispositions and someone can be born into environments that are stable and still turn out to be an anxious/avoidant adult because their tendency toward that trait is strong.

Amazing episode! Thank you :)

I’m anxious, my ex is avoidant, but it almost seems like he has a lot of narcissistic attributes as well. He would turn off his phone and leave for 2 days to go party with friends…. While I was home with the kid…. Took 13 years and I finally left. He also has addictions so that was an issue too

Attachment is built when we go through a hard time in relationship with someone and come out the other side okay-Dewey Freman

Ok so the answer is never fall in love with an avoidant. Got it.

listening to this hurt a lot very insightful and really personal...

Thank you so much Re your knowledge and putting it so simply 😜

THANK YOU for discussing the drawbacks of mediation for people with trauma. I've never heard this on a podcast before; typically meditation is seen as a prescription for everything, but it can be a stressor for some. I love all the actionable suggestions in this episode.

If you're watching this, you're no longer a kid. You can Choose. And if you can't choose freely, there's Therapy.

For an avoidant, questions framed as are u WILLING, rather than do u WANT TO, can be powerful. They likely will NoT “want to”. But they may be willing & it then puts it into their court to decide

Great interview Chris. 👍

Thank you guys

Great episode. One thing I disagree with - overbearing parent is likely to create an avoidant attachment and not anxious.

I think a main point missing from this conversation is how your attachment traits/style will vary depending on the person you’re spending time with. You can be totally secure with one person, yet anxiously attached with another.

Excellent podcast

Chris is a great interviewer

Fearful avoidant myself. It's great (he said sarcastically) because it creates this lovely feedback loop. I've suspected my dad of having NPD for a while now. Mom is a chronic worrier. So, imagine growing up in a home where you're always getting conflicting feedback. Nowadays, I don't like how I behave in romantic relationships, because it's always constant anxiety, so I avoid them. Even among friends, or places like at a resort where it's people's literal jobs to serve you, I still feel weird voicing if I want something. I've just adapted to it TBH. Suppose I could go see someone about it, as like Connor says, bro-ing yourself out of it doesn't seem to work. I did mention the anxiety part to my GP a couple years ago (during the coof) but was brushed off. Therapy is very expensive, and as per Chris's recent discission with Abigail Shrier, feels kind of scammy, so IDK if it's right for me.