On a first date, too many men snatch defeat from the jaws of success. In today's episode, I discuss why a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, and why many guys talk their way out of a sexual opportunity. In their desire to impress women, men come off as boring, boorish, and self-centered. However, by learning the importance of maintaining women's fantasies intact, they'll be able to turn their franchises around. Social Media Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100090053889622 LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/orion-taraban-070b45168/ Instagram: instagram.com/psyc.hacks Twitter: twitter.com/oriontaraban Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com Orion's Theme: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/jdiIdd2Cl66odYU.html Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated GRE self-study program based on the world's only empirically-validated test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com. GRE Bites: www.youtube.com/@grebites4993 Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community: kzfaq.info/love/SduXBjCHkLoo_y9ss2xzXwjoin Book a paid consultation: oriontarabanpsyd.com/consultations Sponsor an episode: oriontarabanpsyd.com/sponsor-an-episode Sound mixing/editing by: valntinomusic.com Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world. #dating #psychology #relationship

I am an executive recruiter. I send people out on first interviews/ dates all the time. The resume validates the ability to do the job. I teach my candidates to not re-validate themselves with a speech about their value but to converse with the interviewer ironically getting the interviewer to talk more. It works. The interviewer, usually a woman, literally talks herself through the interview without having time for close ended questions. Then the kicker: when the time is running short, I instruct the candidate to gracefully end the interview. Something like, "I know we had 30 minutes scheduled. Thank you so much for the conversation. Let me know the next steps..." And done.

this video is entirely correct. As I tell my 17-year-old son, “a first date is not about impressing her with how smart you are. The first date is about making her feel relaxed so that she can open up and decide if she likes you or not. Ideally, she should be doing 75% or more of the talking. If you are doing most of the talking, I guarantee you that the date is not going nearly as well as you think it is…”

If someone likes you, you don't have to try hard to get their attention.

"your actual existence has a near-zero chance of correlating with her fantasy" Simultaneously laughing and crying.

This is why, as a woman, I made it a rule to always give ourselves atleast 2 times to go out. Because we can both mess up the first time even though there may be potential

"She should talk 3-4x as much as you" This makes me feel so much better because I cannot carry a conversation but I'm a good listener.

The human courtship ritual is very a delicate dance between talking but not talking so much that you out her off. Working hard and being ambitious, but not so ambitious that you don't have time for her. Being a dominant alpha male but still being emotionally vulnerable. Being intelligent but being stupid enough to marry. Good luck, gentlemen.

People will forget what you say, but they DON’T forget the way you made them feel. Talk less. Listen more. Have fun.

“swipe hundreds” … l love how optimistic you are Doc 🤣

7:55 this part literally made me laugh out loud. The less women know about the man, the better his odds. Isn’t that the truth.

I learned a long time ago that it's not important if the woman likes you, but it's more important if you like her. This allows you to ask open-ended pertinent but reasonable questions that are important to you, which get the woman to talk about herself. If you don't like what she says, how her behavior is, you can end the date, bid her adieu, and keep it moving to the next woman.

Yes absolutely! Men need to learn to LISTEN. That is the most frequent comment I hear from women who are either in relationships or looking for a relationship. Trying to impress a woman only communicates to the woman that the guy is not interested in her internal world and she will quickly make her judgment about that. If you are truly interested in her and her views on life, she will feel a connection with you.

I've been trying to teach this to guys for ages now. It's 100% fact. Every time! You should never, EVER lie to a woman (or anyone for that matter), but the more you say, the more you talk yourself out of a sale. Every detail you don't tell her about your life works to your advantage. Her mind will fill in the gaps with what she wants you to be. The more gaps, the more you're the man to fulfil her fantasies. I don't even tell women what i do for a living on the first date. I'm retired (at age 40) and live off of interest and dividends. Boring! And she'll probably see that as flaunting my wealth. Instead, her mind will wonder why I won't talk about my job. She'll make up her own fantasy. I've had women tell me they thought I was a drug dealer or criminal (which turned them on!), a CIA government spy, a hitman, a secret billionaire, a bounty hunter, an informant in witness protection, and all sorts of crazy stuff like that. Men might be better at imagining things like how to fix the car. But when it comes to fantasy, women are the gold medalists. Guys....stop talking and start asking more questions!!!

In all my studies on relationships, as well as the ones I’ve been in, this is the greatest summation of practical knowledge I’ve ever heard, and it’s being explained in the most sensible way possible. Anyone who doesn’t listen to this man and is having issues getting a second date needs a few hard hitting life experiences to get the lesson.

In my experience, the vast majority of relationships or experiences I’ve had with women didn’t come from going on “dates”. It came from just clicking in the beginning and it usually history from there. I feel like taking a woman on a date in the first place puts you in a position where you have to impress her, the ball is in her court, she’s the judge. This dynamic isn’t healthy in my opinion because in my experiences a woman has to look up to you. Admire you and crave you emotional attention for a relationship to truly thrive. Kinda like Orion said with her being the adorer. Dates inherently puts the man in the position of having to be the adorer which automatically messes up the power dynamic in terms of attraction, raising the chances of failure. I can’t tell men not to take women out on dates, but what I will tell you is that when a woman is REALLY feeling you, she’ll usually see a date as a waste of time because she’s already made her mind up about you, and just want to be around as much as she can.💯💯

No nonsense, demystifying, clear facts. I've never heard such a straight to the point, acute, sagacious, empirical talk about this. So many men (and women, as a consequence) can benefit from this. Pragmatic, practical, useful, game-changer. Exactly what is needed to be understood. Brilliant.

I got a good lesson in this shortly after I moved to Mexico. My Spanish was only basic but I went on first dates with women who spoke English well and some who spoke no English at all. Only one of the first dates with an English-speaking woman went well while all of the dates with women who spoke zero English went well to very well. I knew enough Spanish to answer basic questions and ask questions of her, and to attentively listen to her answers. I spent 75% of the date making eye contact and smiling and/or nodding. The woman was pleased and wanted a second date.

1000% correct. Become a masterful conversationalist and you will be drained from attention from women. Which leads to what men want.

After her divorce my cousin Samantha spent some time going out to get laid. She would always find a guy she wanted to hook up with, but he would usually talk her out of it.

You're steadily becoming one of my favorite content creators. You're so genuine and wholesome and you give a different perspective than some of the other manisphere while still sprinkling your own special mix. I'm here for it. Many others are. Thanks for doing what you do brother 👊

Nailed it, her fantasy will fade after the first date or in 7 years but will end.

Divorced 6 months ago and im proud to say that i crush it on first dates. im so relaxed, playful, and make them feel super comfortable. they always complement how unapologetic i say things and how direct i am. all with humor. It has been ME who’s turned down women, not the other way around

Be absolutely yourself : if she doesn’t like you as the person you are, you both have no (meaningful) future together. Be thankful that if she does not like you as the person you are, you know this quickly and you both do not lose time and emotional energy and get to be too disappointed. (it’s always a good thing to evaluate yourself honestly to comprehend if you’re fundamentally that person worth knowing/dating….but this is a big, big, big chapter that a whole lotta men (and women) conveniently skip…)

I needed this video 24 hours ago…talked myself out of a first date by shattering the fantasy too soon.

I completely concur. My approach to dating when I was single was based on the premise that men have no idea what women found attractive in men; we just vaguely know what turns them off. Based on that don’t do the obvious things that turn women off, always be polite, have fun, and if she ends up not wanting a second date-be as cool as a cucumber about it. From there, like Orion pointed out, it’s a crap shoot. Also, another reason for men to do most of the listening is to not give away to much of yourself. I like to think of each date as an opportunity to tell her about one thing about me. Dates are like giving little clues about yourself. Anyway, awesome video.

So true, I’ve blown dozens of first dates. Women have a way of getting you to open up and before you know it, you’ve dug your own grave! I’ve only just realised this and you’ve confirmed it….thank you.

I can see a lot of what Orion is talking about in my own experience. If the date is going well, I’ll usually ask about their dating “horror stories.” This gives us both something to laugh about and we can bond over the atrocity of online dating. Most of the women’s stories revolve around the mistakes that Orion talks about here. Tip: be nice to the wait staff. Almost every woman has a bad story about a guy who turned them off by being an ass to the wait staff. Really, in my experience, it’s just being good at conversation, mostly the listening part, which I find helps with people in general.

I treat the first date as an interview for them. I don’t do casual dating as it’s a been there done that situation. I keep telling guys: when you’re in control of your sexuality and primal urges as a man, and you really analyse what a woman is saying: watch her dance for you. The table is now turned.

Another excellent video Doc. Filled with better insights than ten regular first date advice videos. Thank you.

This is the funniest video you’ve done, Orion. Pure comedy gold while faithfully representing my dating experiences in the last few months. Both sides are doing their best, bless our hearts. 😂

Your work keeps me sane. Thanks Dr. T.

The way you deliver information sometimes makes my laugh about really sad things, and this is awesome.

Remember gents it’s not a date it’s an interview for a job as a husband and only a temp job at that.

This is great practical advice. This is something I can actually do

Man, this video makes me put a loots of dots together. Thank you.

This is absolutely brilliant.

This advice is so on point. Took me a long time to realize it but it's totally true. Don't say more than you need and let her fill the gaps so you don't kill mystery. Still you need to lead the interaction to make it progress/escalate.

Great advice. Every interaction with a new person is an chance to uncover a whole new universe.

I think this applies to more than dating, but life in general. People love to talk about themselves, and they like people who listen to them talk about themselves.

Given the scenario you described it's a wonder my wife and I made it to the second date. We were having dinner together when my (future) wife said that she usually scared men away. This piqued my interest in what would come next. The next hour and a half resembled a cross examination. I had nothing to prove,or hide, so I answered with the unvarnished truth (let the chips fall, etc.) her questions also gave me valuable insights into her value system. She was very direct and I could see why many men would wilt under her questioning. Actually, I respected her approach to cutting through the BS. We used our subsequent dates to add details about each other The more we saw each other the better I liked what I was seeing. One evening she suggested that I was just toying with her feelings. Iv'e been known to make rash moves and decided to call her bluff. So, I asked her to marry me. It was the last thing she expected to hear.. Six months later we tied the knot. That was over 20 years ago and we are about as happy as a couple can get.

Very good advice!! In an attempt to feed the chat it is quite common to talk too much about ourselves thinking that this will CREATE interest in us, when it is the opposite. 🤯

Maybe the most succinct yet intellectually stimulating guide on what to do on a first date. well done.

This is a well produced, succinct video that really gets to the heart of dating dynamics. Does a good job explaining why the majority of dates I went on as a young man resembled a job interview. My question now is "is it even worth the effort?" If I have to go on 100 dates to have a chance to find a respectable partner, why shouldn't I instead put that time, money and energy into pursuits I can do right now that have a more immediate + postive effect (eg gym, work, spending time with good friends?) Sitting down for a couple of hours at a time with the average modern lady, only to listen for 80% of the experience may be a good way to proceed to the next date but it holds very little appeal to me. I'd much rather spend that time with a good book or video game. Still, this advice is solid for young blokes looking for help on dating so kudos, keep up the good content.

This man is a genius.

This is groundbreaking and spot on. Bravo good sir

This was eye opening, thank you!

To summarize - Be the guide in the woman's "choose your own adventure book" 😅. Let her dazzle herself with her Medusa heads and stay shrouded in mystery.

The one difference for my current situation is, the person I asked out last night I have known for the better part of a year from a support group. We have both shared some pretty huge pieces of ourselves and many things are the darker, shadow side of ourselves. Still the way to do well doesn't change. I think making her feel heard and showing further interest in her life by listening can't go wrong. Great video

Of all the first date advice videos out there in the tuber verse, this has to be the best, honestly.

really excellent points.

This is exactly true. Nailed it perfectly. Women feel like the most special person in the world when you're listening to them, talk about themselves and when you ask proper questions to get them to go deeper into detail and what they want to talk about Get them talking about the things they're passionate about, the things that they're proud of... My friend John has a way of making anybody man or woman feel like the most special person in the world and not to out myself too much. But we're part of a recovery community and he gets a lot of new followers because of this very reason helps a lot of people. I think becoming a good listener and letting people do more of the talking is an altruistic behavior

Open ended questions... The magic key for clear communication, for filtering the right woman for you, and to connect on deeper levels... Thank you for your work.

I have not heard this piece of advice articulated elsewhere, and it’s a massive relief honestly. It’s so much easier to let her talk. Talking slower, and less, while holding a sexual vibe/gaze is really important

I’d say not flirting/sexualising during the date in any way is also a big problem. A lot of guys seem to struggle with this.

Good advice. Of course the number of hurdles on a first date is a function of how physically attracted to you she is. And she could just be using you for a free meal, as an orbiter candidate, as a Friend Zone candidate, to make someone jealous, to make someone envious, for validation, .... But if her intentions are true, your cautions are wise.

Man you are so funny. This video was a joy to watch as you seemed to be more natural and enjoy talking about the topic more than in some other episodes. Thank you for this talk doctor!

One of your best videos!! God Bless

I think the less physically attracted she is to you this becomes more true. If she finds you very physically attractive then you really have to butcher the situation to not get a second date. I believe the failures you speak of had much more to do with the woman not finding the men very physically attractive over the words spoken.

This could be one of the best pieces of advice that I’ve heard from you. It’s a very practical way to approach dating. A woman’s most powerful sexual organ is her brain. Let her stay in her fantasy as long as possible since you probably can’t compare to her own imagination.

I learned this years ago. It's good practice with any relationship, not just intimate. I can tell from experience that it works

That was such good work I actually let the ad play through after. 😎👍

Excellent video---A woman, years ago, gave me the same advise that you are giving in this video, and it works.

I really enjoy and get value from your videos. After a 30 year relationship I’m unfortunately starting all over again and I can’t remember how I’m supposed to do this dating thing. It’s so different from 30 years ago before the internet.

Great video. I've heard about this stuff but never had it explained why so thanks for that.

This is top tier advice. Every guy should listen to this.

I’ve certainly blown plenty of dates/future dates doing this exact thing. This is a very good perspective and answers a lot 👍

Exactly. Every time you open your mouth, just put your foot into it. And yes, just ask a few leading questions and let her ramble. When she does that, she's going to give you all the information you need, so listen up.

Thank you for your great insight.

This helps so much. Thank you

Just came from a date two hours ago. Her dog didn’t bite me and actually really liked me. She said her dog (scaredy cat) doesn’t like most men, she (female dog) even bit the last guy she met a few weeks ago 😅 Her dog is super important to her so I insisted on her bringing her and made it more my mission for the dog to like me. She already went a day later on holiday to meet up so I knew she liked me already.

If her hobbies include watching reality TV, just know that is just like pron for women with personality disorders. That will ruin your life. Great video by the way.

Yes, Orion is correct and I had to learn this the hard way. This applies to business to, if you try to hard to impress the other person, they become suspicious and wary. A confident person doesn’t brag. Some things that I find work better with women and in business. Dress well, not necessarily in a suit, I do a lot of outdoor activities so often dress in higher end REI type clothing like Arcteryx, Kuhl, Ortovox, ON footwear, etc. I also have a nice watch, which I bought only because I like it’s form and function. It’s a Luminox Pacific Diver, with a metal band. It costs around half the price of a new iPhone but very few have them and it looks expensive, classy, and rare while portraying someone who is outdoorsy. It also very functional. Many other watches have these qualities. DON’T get a Rolex unless you want to attract gold diggers, and it is common knowledge that many men overextend themselves financially to get one just to impress! Read a lot of books and don’t brag about it. Reading a lot will make you a more interesting person and improve your vocabulary. Having a better than average vocabulary, and being well spoken is far more impressive than anything you could possibly brag about. If you only have these two traits, at the very least, an intelligent woman will think you have potential. Now you don’t have say anything, most will just assume you are doing well or maybe even better. I also find if the woman starts interviewing you with questions, it’s best to give a short answer and turn it back to them….Yes, I’ve been to Peru and Japan, what was your favorite destination or vacation you have ever been to or on? I have a corporate job, what do you do…what’s been you’re best job you ever had? I like hiking, traveling, and music… what are you’re favorite things to do? etc.

Clear, and right to the point.

Wow, I'm honestly impressed by your videos.

I am currently in a relationship, but it was hard for me to play in the fantasies of women. Sometimes I felt like I was taking part in a very bad movie and that I was forced to play a role. I also felt like I was taking advantage of the "fantasies" of many girls. Many times I knew what was expected from me but I did not know how to play that role naturally. What helped me to improve a little was the advise of "try to be a bad boy without being a real one", try to project more confidence and "playboy" aura without being a player. It is still hard for me but I have come to accept that we as men have to project this kind of things.

Got a first date coming up soon (hopefully) As always, thanks man.

This is an amazing advice!

That was honestly, beautifully explain.

I had my first date since my breakup in 2021. I was so rusty and got a bit too comfortable in my own skin, so I kept talking and talking and talking about my autistic interests in philosophy and books and didn't let her talk once. I also spent way too much on our food. You live and learn lol.

It’s quite useful to let a woman do all the talking on the early dates. Gives you a decent idea of how much you can tolerate.

Extremely helpful info man 😎🤙🏽

Brilliant exposé Thank You

Some of the best dating advice I've heard in a minute. I've been quiet and the talkier. Quiet was always able to seal the deal. I'm going to practice this.

I never been a talker or ever talked too much about myself, even the opossite. I tried both ways (talking and not talking, not bragging) and the results were kind of similar. But certainly I can sense the instant physical attraction or the lack of it. Most of the time I sensed the lack of it, even tho through dating apps I did okayish (through texting I never had a problem, if the woman is engaging), but in person, it was a different story and mostly was related to physical attraction. I can observe the little gestures of woman when she is attracted or not. I can mainly say that this happened way more due to my short height (5'7); it is not in my head, because all of them told me or picked on me with this. Of course, I dont reduce this to height only, there a lot more aspects, but those are my observations. I would say to be moderate in talking or not bragging. But if she is attracted to you physical, you can be in many ways, even insecure. At least for some time.

Thanks for the advice, it makes sense.

You are very talented in this day and age. Your message is perfect for modern times. Glad to have you. Regards.

Lots of great insights as usual. But I can only apply your advice IF a woman agrees to a first date and IF she actually shows up. The dating landscape right now is completely unbalanced. Women don't have to do anything, or make any effort and they can disappear and ghost you at any point with no explanation or consequences. I choose not to place myself in that very vulnerable position anymore. Men have to do all the work, take all the risks and suffer all the rejection.

The thought of going on a date with a modern woman fills me with absolute dread. I'm enjoying being a married old fart. 😂

i agree.....it makes perfect sense..,,, but i'd never thought of this until now.... thank you...

Love the video. Thank you! Headed to a first coffee date. Took some gems

He is telling the truth ... I told women I appreciate that she took time and effort to meet when I met for a first date. I specifically told her that 'We don't have to kiss on the first date' and meant it.

Noted. If I ever get to the 1st data. I will try this out...

Love this episode ❤

Thanks for putting us on game G

Interesting presentation. Back, some 40 years ago, when I dated I'm not sure this applied to me because I learned in hindsight that I was nothing more than a foodie date. So, now I go out alone and order two meals; one for me and one for me later. No wife happy life and full belly.

I am waiting for that comment from a female that never fails to show refuting the video saying "we women put on makeup and dress up for ourselves, not for men".

Look attractive, well groomed, smell good, easy going, be funny/humorous,

Crazy how much this makes sense

The difficult thing about this is having to listen to women talk... We all know they aren't entertaining, funny, witty or with a great sense of humor. They get offended by everything, can't take criticism, and don't know how to carry a fun conversation. So it's better for the man to know how to navigate a conversation, how to ask questions and make it fun and funny, how to respond to questions, how to manage the woman's emotions into making her think the date is fun through the conversation so she's wanting to see you again. Don't bring up sexual desires but hint with naughty innuendos. Watch any talk show host, get men together and they want to make fun of everything, get women together and they want to complain about everything.