Not sure if this is common for many parents but I feel I see so much of this toxic mentality in Chinese families in particular: they "accept" who you are for the sake of peace (because they think you are young, it's a phase, let you "try this out" and you'll get bored eventually), but make it very clear there is a time limit to their tolerance before you're expected to conform to their expectations of you eventually (usually around 28 years old onwards, when they want you to start "settling down"). Seen this happen time and again to friends, to family, even my own parents who I grew up believing to be so progressive but soon it became abundantly clear that it wasn't the case. Sorry you had to experience that - I know firsthand how frustrating and hurtful it can be but end of the day, you have to live your own truth and be damned their opinions! Much love to you and your partner 💗

Your mom grew up in a world where being gay was rejected, looked down upon, condemned and even illegal. Getting married and having children was the path to a fulfilled and happy life. She clearly struggles with accepting her daughter doing everything she was thought was leading to a miserable life. Since she wants you to have a happy and fulfilled life as well, she would wish you to consider dating man. I understand it is hurtful. I'm just trying to show her perspective, so it might build understanding and give you less pain when it happens. Be yourself and make your own choices. You're a beautiful person just the way you are.

Hey Brenda, I really missed your podcast. Thanks for bringing it back, regardless of whether there's a guest or not, I'm sure many of us really love this podcast. As a fellow queer girly, thanks for showing us an update to coming out. So many times people inly share about their coming out but don't really show the journey and struggles after coming out. Thank you, it makes me feel seen and less alone

Hey Brenda thank you for sharing this, I really glad that I am not alone facing Similar issue . I have a fiancée who is a woman and we are planning to get married overseas . I can really understand about parents / family members not being supportive and not even want to be there. It really sucks and it really take courage to just go forth and being authentically you. Thank you for being YOU! You inspires me to be queer too! ❤

I understand what you’re going through. My parents put me through a lot of pain when I came out to them as well. And there was a point in time where I tried to gaslight myself into saying they grew up in a different time so it’s “normal” they don’t accept me for who I am. Normal? You know what’s normal? For parents to love their kids and accept them for who they are. That’s normal. I will never forgive my parents for the pain they had caused me then, and for the continuous pain I have to go through thinking about that time in my life. If you have access to a therapist, that is a good first step to learning how to cope with these feelings. I always have lived with the fact that the reason why my parents and I ended up having a somewhat normal rs after I decide to date men is because of that. Because I changed who I was to suit them. After years of torturing myself trying to maintain this fake relationship with my parents, I have in the past year gone low contact with mine because I have finally understood that it was not my fault that all those years ago, as a helpless child and teenager, I had to stand up for myself and for who I was slowly becoming. This whole situation reminds me of when I was in my early twenties. I hope you’re able to find clarity or courage or whatever you need when navigating this situation. People defend parents way too much when it comes to not accepting their queer kids because “they grew up in a different time”. Okay, what is adaptation for? Adaption is human nature. It is a horrible horrible horrible feeling having your PARENTS reject a big part of you. I am thinking of you Brenda.

Thanks so much for always being so vulnerable and open with us! So appreciate you for sharing this painful moment with us - it’s even harder when they regress but your KZfaq fam is here for you ❤❤. We see you, we love you for who you are, and don’t let anyone tell you that who you are / who you love / what you don’t love isn’t legitimate.

the part where you talked abt having a group of queer friends is something I want for myself! I meet queer individuals or couples but somehow a friend group never really forms from it :/

I felt so seen when I watched your first coming out video and today i feel no different. Im so happy for you for living your authentic life!! ❤

Sending as many positive thoughts to you Brenda, it's so great to hear you share this intimately and so openly once again. I've really missed Growing Pains and am so happy it's back

The feeling of being rejected by your parents for your life choices have happened to me 5 years ago - when all I yearned for is acceptance for who I am and unconditional support from their end. I've learned that my parents just come from a different generation and they've had their own unresolved issues, then projected their own wishful desires that I'd be someone who they wish they could. Currently, I'm rebuilding my confidence and healing myself. I'm getting better, now but the pain is hard to let go - being betrayed by someone closest to you.

I'm queer and I'm out to everyone except for my parents. I could relate so much to how you felt when your mum did that - it feels invalidating and so hurtful - because I can definitely see my mother doing that as well. And as much as I can understand that my parents grew up in a world where being queer is illegal, rejected, and "wrong" , or how they'll use the excuse of "I just want to prepare you for the world" when they want to justify their toxic behaviours, it still hurts. It hurts that the people who were supposed to love and believe in you no matter what - that they'd put out your light. I went to a place so dark when my mum constantly implied that she didn't believe in me (career wise) - so I can imagine it'd be a million times worse when I tell her that it's not just my career choice that isn't to her liking. The only light I look forward to - is finally being able to move away from them, come out fully, face the rejection, and hey, maybe ten years down the road... we'll speak again. Kinda pessimistic view - i know - but it's just where I am right now. And just wanted to say I understand, and that you're not alone. And to thank you for sharing. Because I know there are others out there who feel the same. 🏳‍🌈

labels are helpful for navigating social relationships and interactions but they are not the law; so it's definitely ok if you feel like what you identify with has changed over time or that you identify with multiple things at once especially because humans are just naturally multi-faceted beings. it's also the central theme the queer community advocates for which is inclusivity; to not box yourself up (unless you really want to...?) and not bash on others for not boxing themselves up

Hope you are feeling better! And sorry to hear that you experienced what you did! Let time heal the pain and give yourself and your mummy some time!

If you are at the age over 23 years old, you are an adult who needs to learn to understand the reality is not everyone including your parent's family will accept your own identity or happiness because it does not align with their culture. Remember you gave yourself time to process and learn to love your new gay identity, as well as a new person. Please give your parents and families much longer time and space to also let them process in their way. In the meantime continue to grow and practice self-love, one day whoever does not support you in the past will change because you change, and love them without anger.

thanks for continuing to share your story as you evolve & explore your queer identity. Your braveness & vulnerability are rly humbling lah. TBH, i always keep wishing we had better safe spaces for queer folks in SG so i really appreciate what you're doing here. x

Sending you a big virtual hug

I’m not queer but I agree that parents are a hassle sometimes because they just keep thinking everything in their children’s life is a phase . Even if it is one should be left alone to decide what is most important . Pushing someone to get married especially arranged marriage is just some next level disrespect-- especially if you’re fully committed to someone else- Indian and Malay parents do it the most . As an Indian myself I can totally sense the parental control- I’m not sure if the current generation even believes in arranged marriages - why would you want someone else to choose your partner for you? If you do that you’re not living life according to your own terms, rather living according to their terms - which is ironic because life is so short and precious . I sometimes dislike how parents blame kids for being disobedient or unfilial just because they want to live on their own terms. I’m sorry but your mother should come to terms with the fact that you’re queer. The reason she’s unable to is not really because she has old school thinking but because she’s scared what her friends relatives or overall society will say.

My mum is also like this… I haven’t came out to her but I’m attached and I think she’s suspecting that my relationship is not of that with a guy and she keeps asking me to find a bf and to get married using my grandma to pressure me. Honestly it’s so difficult cause she’s also religious. I had an outburst the other day wanting to move out and she said I changed cause of my friends lol. Typical… and whilst telling me that she also said I was keeping things from her so I said there are some things I don’t say because simply you can’t accept it. And she’s says oh if you do the right thing I would support you but if it’s wrong that I won’t. Why is being a homosexual mean that we are in the wrong. Just sharing my story here but yes 🥲

so sorry for how your mom acted. i think as queer ppl we still have that hope that they will accept us but letting go of this is much freeing. also, glad that you have great self-confidence for just being yourself. prev, when watching gap the series, a line that really resonated with me was something along the lines of "the only game in life is loving yourself". hope anyone reading this, be safe and try to learn how to love yourself

It’s not only toxic for chinese. For those who are religious, we have to bear in mind God created man & woman. Parents accept their gay chn out of love but honestly, they are hurt. Hopefully these chn will try to understand their parents & not hold grudges with these parents.

The era is different. People cannot use 1980 thinking for 2020 society

Hugs❤

I think you just happened to date all the wrong men. Honestly, not all men are like what you described. Some are truly a gem. Took me a while to find my own gem but it happened finally!

Give fake flowers, it can never die, problem solved wont waste money.

Biggest fan: Growing Pains podcast & this latest vlog! 😍🤩💗💗💗💗💗🫶🫶❤‍🔥